Tag Archives: Humor

July 23, 2013

Bitching About Royals

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m not saying I don’t like Royal Babies. I just prefer regular babies. See what I did there? I didn’t even capitalize regular babies. The difference in how they’re being treated has started already. I’m obviously part of the problem.

I come from a family that’s FASCINATED by the British Royal Family (see how I capitalize??? I swear I’m not doing this on purpose). I’m really not though. Some of the longest days of my life have been spent watching coverage of either Royal Weddings or Royal Tragedies. I always seem to be stuck somewhere remote when these things happen, and there’s only one TV, and I’m not in charge of it, but I’m super bored, because as a kid, I was not into all of the Pomp and Circumstance (I wanted so badly to use that phrase, but rarely get the opportunity…… when I’m not sure about a phrase/word and whether I should use it in a blog or not, I like to look it up in some internet dictionary just to make sure it means what I think it means….. in this case according to Dictionary.com it means ‘splendid celebration with ceremony and fuss’ which is almost a better phrase than Pomp and Circumstance….. in fact, I really think you need to re-read the sentence again and substitute, and let me know which one you like better…..I will be equally satisfied with both of your choices), and as an adult, not much has changed, and I just feel trapped and manipulated all day.

The thing I hate the most about these celebration/tragedies is the coverage. You can’t just watch it once and be done with it. It goes on and on and on like the OJ trial. Let’s show it again and again. Let’s break down every aspect through detailed analysis. This isn’t football!! I know you kids are like, ‘so what, watch something on your phone or laptop if you’re bored.’ THERE WERE NO PHONE AND LAPTOPS!!!!!! JUST BOREDOM!!! Now that I’m older, it doesn’t matter too much anymore because I can easily escape a situation where there is lots of Royal Coverage. I have a car, a bus pass, and 2 televisions, 2 computers and a cell phone. Damn, when I say it like that it sounds like I’m very well established. This might just be my ‘I HAVE ARRIVED’ moment!! My personal identity and how I define my freedom has now become deeply intertwined with my ability to dodge watching TV coverage of the British Royals.

I really don’t want to bitch too much about the Royals. To be perfectly honest, I have nothing against them. I only hear about them when they marry or breed or take pictures of their dicks. I really just wanted a) to have a blog topic which is getting harder every week, and b) to sit on my high horse and say some very judgemental things about the rest of you peasants.

1) Don’t be so fascinated by Royalty or famous people. They don’t care about you. This is a one way street. I’m sure everyone is interested to see the Royal Baby, but what about the Non-Royal babies? They need your attention too! Are the people in your life getting the ‘Royal Treatment’? If the world cared about each other the way they seem to care about what these people name their baby….. well you know the rest. The world wins!

2) When I refer to Royal Tragedy, you know which one I’m talking about. Princess Diana dies in a car accident because her and her new man were in a high-speed chase with Paparazzi. I remember thinking at the time that we were all to blame for supporting the gossip industry. I remember thinking ‘I’ll bet people will think twice before going out and buying another gossip magazine to see exclusive pictures of their favorite celebrities’………… Wrong again, as I always am when I give humanity the benefit of the doubt. Nothing changed, nothing solved, same old bullshit.

3) I really wanted to have a third thing, because 2 just isn’t worth listing off numerically. As you can see, I’m out of things to complain about. I will try to stretch this out a bit though, as I’m sure some bloggers are just skimming to the bottom anyways, so they can click the ‘like’ button and make me believe that they read the whole thing. Come on man….. we’ve all done it! Especially some of those long-winded ones. Those people will be blissfully unaware that I couldn’t come up with a third thing to finish my trifecta of Royalty Ramblings.

I hope the Royal Baby gets an appropriate name, and is happy and healthy, but more importantly I wish the same for all your Non-Royal Babies too!

12 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 16, 2013

Mom’s Choice

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There are a few products around my home for babies. Anyone that’s had a baby in their home knows that there will be baby products around the home too. A lot of them. I often wonder about marketing as it pertains to babies and their preferences. My baby is almost 9 months old. He’s male, and like every other male in his family tree for as many generations back as I can intelligently vouch for, he’ll eat whatever you put in front of him. Maybe this isn’t the same for all babies. Sometimes my wife and I will be in an aisle of the grocery store, and she’ll wonder aloud ‘Which one do you think he’ll like better?’ I always find this funny because I have received zero feedback from my son regarding food, the entire time he’s been alive. He seems to like everything. That isn’t the commitment to an answer that my wife is looking for when she asks me a question. We’ve been together long enough that I know this, so my answer is very much influenced by how happy the baby looks in the picture. This goes for food, toys, furniture or any other baby related product. As far as I’m concerned, if the baby is happier on the cover of one product than they are on the other, then it’s a slam dunk as to what I’m going to decide is the right product for my baby. Marketers take note!! I’m quite certain that my son doesn’t give a shit as long as he’s comfortable. If he’s not comfortable, he might wiggle around a bit or possibly cry, but with so many outside factors at play, I’ll be damned if I can pinpoint whether it was the mango or the pineapple he didn’t like, or if he’s just tired, or he pooped. He has never told me what he thinks about his crib mattress (although I agonized over the decision), his outfits, the music we play or anything. The key to all purchases, and I’m yet to be proven wrong, is the perceived happiness of the actor baby on the packaging. It’s never steered me wrong (that I’m aware of).

I also find some of the branding interesting. The one I saw today (which prompted the blog, because God knows I don’t come up with ideas much before I actually start typing) was ‘Mom’s Choice’. Mom’s Choice is the obvious choice isn’t it? I would buy that. I mean after all, Mom sampled all of these products and narrowed it down. She did all the work for me, right? How does a company get to be ‘Mom’s Choice?’ Is there a rigorous selection process that all of these products go through? Is this a government regulated thing, or can anybody slap ‘Mom’s Choice’ on the label?

More importantly, whose Mom? My Mom? The baby’s Mom? Everyone has/had a Mom. Which one of them made the call on this? Was there a panel of expert moms that got together on this? A secret society of taste-making moms that run the baby food game? Is there a criteria for Moms that get to be on the ‘Mom’s Choice’ selection committee? Do they need to have more than one kid to qualify? Or are they teenage Moms (Who most recently were eating baby food themselves)? Or an even number of Moms from each age group to properly represent the spectrum of Moms. Are all the different ethnic cultures represented in this Mom group? Or does it depend on the ethnicity of the baby on the cover (What??? We all eat different shit as adults, does a baby’s cultural background not matter at ‘Mom’s Choice’?).

What if you started a company called Dad’s Choice? Why does nobody in the baby food industry care what Dad thinks. Dad probably eats more than Mom. He should be more of an expert. What if all those names were taken, could you just take another member of society and have them vouch for the taste of baby food?

Bartender’s Choice
Raquetball Coach’s Choice
Zookeeper’s Cousin’s Choice
Necktie Designer’s Choice
Zipline Technician’s Choice
Stamp Collector’s Choice
Librarian’s Choice
Assistant Manager Of The Meat Department At The Grocery Store’s Choice

These are all fresh ideas, but let’s face it. Mom knows best, although I don’t believe in the legitimacy of the representative amount of Moms, endorsing and quality checking ‘Mom’s Choice’ food, I do think it’s clever advertising. It found its way into my home so clearly, at least one of us fell for it.

I just want to go on record as saying that I don’t think there were any Moms involved in the choosing of ‘Mom’s Choice’. I also don’t think that being a Mom qualifies you to know the first thing about what baby food tastes like, or how it should taste. I’m no expert, but in my short stint as a parent I’ve learned that if your baby is hungry enough, they will eat anything, whether it’s ‘Mom’s Choice’ or ‘Macaroni Necklace Sales Representative’s Choice’, or their shoe.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 8, 2013

Stop Hatin’ on Mondays

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m sick of hearing it. I don’t like Mondays, it’s just another Manic Monday, Blue Monday, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. To put it simply, if you don’t like Mondays, then something’s wrong with the rest of your week! That aint Monday’s fault! It’s yours! Stop blaming Monday for beginning a week that you set up to be crappy. Take some responsibility for your life people!!! Mondays only suck as bad as you allow them to suck!

I think I should announce something here…… I’ve been looking for a new career path, and just at this exact moment, I’ve figured out what my calling is! MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER!! Except I don’t like public speaking that much, so what’s it called when motivational speakers write books, and get paid an absurd amount of money to do so?? (Looking up on google…….. not really helping……… Oooohhh ‘Self Help Books’…. that’s what I’ll call it) I will be an author of ‘Self Help Books’!! I will make it my personal mission to whip you suckers into shape!

Chapter One

How To Fix Your Mondays

In order to fix one’s Monday, one must understand what the issue is with Monday anyways. It typically signifies the beginning of a work week, or the end of a weekend. People that hate Mondays generally hate the entire week, but Monday of course represents the beginning of the week, or the longest duration of time before the week finally ends. It’s not healthy to look forward to Friday. Fast forwarding your weeks will only lead to you getting old and dying quicker.

There are numerous ways to fix this.

1. Get a job that you enjoy going to. I know it’s easier said than done. I myself, haven’t had many of them. If you dread Mondays, then you need to start making a move in this direction. It might be a long term fix involving taking some sort of training, or it could be as easy as recognizing a crappy job, and quitting. Just so I’m not being arrogant I want to take a moment to recognize that due to various circumstances this may be impossible for some of you.

2. Have better/worse weekends. If you don’t have awesome weekends, you need to start. This way you’ll look forward to Monday so you can brag to your co-workers how awesome your weekend was. On the flip side, if your weekends are too amazing you’ll never want to return to work. If that’s the case, dial it back a bit, hot shot!

3. Dwell on the positive. Logically, Monday should be as rested as you’ll feel for the entire week. It will only get worse from here as your profession mercilessly beats you into submission before Friday. Enjoy that battery recharge that you should have just had. (What?? You didn’t recharge your batteries on the weekend? You ran around and used all your energy working on the house or running around and doing errands?? You probably hate weekends too, there’s no winning with you!)

4. Take solace in the fact that you actually have an automatic scapegoat on Mondays called Monday. You can blame everything that goes wrong, and just shrug it off and say ‘what do you expect? It’s Monday!!’ What other day of the week can you blame for sucking at life? Monday just takes it and never complains. Monday just shows up on time every week like the true professional it is. There’s a lot to admire about Monday.

5. Finally, you get to read Thoughts And Rants In Jogging Pants every Monday (or Tuesday) without fail (except when it’s Tuesday), rain or shine (or Tuesday). This will always give you something to talk to your co-workers about. ‘Oh, did you hear what he said this week?? Hahaha, he’s so clever witty, he makes Monday the best day of the week! I’m going to tell all my friends about this blog!!’ (Well, you see where I’m going with this….)

Pep Talk

Now listen here all you whiners and complainers. Start taking responsibility for the fact that your whole week is entirely fucked up and do something about it! Change your habits…pack a better lunch… start an inner-office romance…. wear special Monday cologne/perfume that smells better than your Tuesday-Friday one…. be productive in the morning and while everyone else bitches and moans, and you can enjoy a 2:30 cappuccino because you got all your shit done…. join a league….embrace your adversaries…..

Love Mondays, and be the reason that other people love Mondays too! It’s first on your calendar, let it be first in your heart 🙂

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

June 25, 2013

Things I Would Rather Do Than Write A Cover Letter

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I got laid off this morning. I wish I could just take the ‘off’ out of that sentence, but unfortunately, that’s not how it went down. Getting laid off sucks, but not as badly as getting fired, and I’ve had that happen as well. Getting laid off usually comes with some sort of compensation package, and the potential to apply for Employment Insurance if you aren’t successful in getting another job right away. Getting fired usually comes with emotional pain and humiliation. What they both come with is an opportunity to update your resume, and get your ass out there to look for a new job.

I don’t mind updating the resume. These days I save an old copy on the computer like a normal human should, and then all you have to do is add your most current employer. It should be fresh in your mind as they’re the ones that just ripped your heart out. I totally don’t mind sending my resume out. I used to print that shit up on fancy paper and mail it. Now I email it, and it couldn’t be easier (although the way technology moves, I’m sure it COULD be easier…. I’m holding out for the day that I’ll be able to just ‘think’ my resume into some potential employer’s head… that’ll be awesome). The part that aggravates me is that I’m supposed to do an original cover letter for every employer that I send the resume to. I know that there’s some cut and paste potential here, and it’s probably not as bad as it sounds, but I despise the process of attaching cover letters to my resume.

There are no words that I can come up with (and I’m pretty good at eventually finding the right word for a situation…… not always at the moment I need it, but usually well after the conversation has ended) to describe how I hate working on cover letters. To accurately portray how I detest this routine, I’ve provided a list of…..

THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN WRITE A COVER LETTER

– I’ve been changing a lot of diapers these days. It’s been pretty routine lately, but there have been some wild ones over the last 8 months. I would happily change the crappiest of my son’s diapers before working on a cover letter
– If given the choice to clean the toilets in our home instead of the cover letter I would scrub the toilets for sure.
– Master the Rubik’s Cube without taking it apart or peeling the stickers
– Ride a Unicycle while juggling bowling pins
– Run a Lemonade Stand with a partner who lacks work ethic
– Polish my shoes (when I re-read this in my mind I pronounced it Po-lish, like from Poland, and I spend moments reflecting on what it might mean to Po-lish ones shoes).
– Go to Wal-Mart/Costco which may be something you do all the time or enjoy, but I avoid this shopping cart gridlock like I avoid nut-bars on the subway system.
– Return empties to the store
– Watch a Julia Roberts movie
– Sit in the pediatrician’s waiting room for half an hour
– Have my flight delayed
– Get crapped on by one of the pigeons that waits for me under the bridge near the subway entrance. As long as it’s just on my clothes, and on the way home from work. If it gets in my hair, or is on the way to work…. I’ll take the cover letter.

17 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

June 18, 2013

Blog Ideas For the Idea-Less Part 2

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’ve always wanted to do a sequel. Well here it is. I’ve got nothing today, but a self-imposed deadline that says I need to produce a blog before day’s end. So, I started Google-ing blog ideas to see if any genius decided to post some generic ones that I could write about, then I thought…… ‘wait a minute’…. this all seems so familiar. I did a blog about blog ideas. All I need to do is go back and read it, and pick my favorite idea. So I did. The only problem is that I didn’t like any of the ideas, or else I would have used them before now. I did however like the idea of blogging about blog ideas.
I’ve decided that I’m going to write down additional ideas for blogs that I will either do in the future, or pay it forward (I absolutely HATE that expression….. saying you’re going to ‘pay it forward’ is trying to take credit for doing something that you should probably just do without patting yourself on the back…. knock it off) by donating these ideas to the blogging community. Blog little bloggers!!!! Blog freely and mightily!!! Give these crappy ideas a home!!!!

Here are the ideas….. Feel free to steal these, and don’t feel like you need to ask permission. Permission is granted…..

– Whole Wheat Bread…. A Black Eye On the Sandwich Community
– Why Pandas Are Totally Overrated
– What To Do If Your Wife Likes Zombie/Vampire Movies And You Don’t
– Why Your First Car Is So Much Better Than Mine Was
– The Itchy Hipster Beard
– I Hate Sand, Saltwater, and Sunshine, but I LOVE The Beach
– How To Handle Your Baby Being Better Looking Than You
– My Secret Mission To Fill Ponds With Golf Balls

Awwww man…. 295 words??? Didn’t I just write a blog about how all blogs should be at least 500 words? I should go in and change it. I think I still can. I’ll change it to say ‘unless you are making lists, which by nature do not require a lot of filler words as they are all titles.’ It’s too late. Too many people have read it. I’m going to start a new list below.

These are potential names for a rock band if I ever start one. I always wanted to be a rock star, but it was one of about 7000 things I wanted to do. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, and I have no musical ability, so it’s a long shot at best. I have thought long and hard about band names though. Here’s a sampling……

– Electrical Thug Outlets
– Paranoid Gerbils
– Discreet 2nd Mortgage
– The Founding Mothers
– Tapedeck Wristband
– Devastating Sockpuppets
– Scurvy Pimples
– Leadpipe Tenderness
– Skintag Army Boots
– Picnic Casket
– Stucco Surprise
– The Ironic Glue Guns
– Sweatsock Machismo
– Rancid Daisy Experience
– Unsexy Vampires
– Rolling Credits Plot Twist
– Inbox Spam & Eggs
– The Jolly Ranchers of Grave Concern
– Thundamentals
– Rusty Barf Bags
– Dan’s Still In Distress
– Frog Penis
– Jim Jevitis
– Scrap Metal Ninja Star
– Cryptic Crochet
– Depresso Machine

504… Phew…. I probably could go on, but I’m pretty sure I could get wildly famous with one of the above band names. Now I just need to start playing the guitar.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

May 29, 2013

15 Minutes Of Furious Blogging

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Oooops…… I forgot to blog yesterday. I mean, I didn’t totally forget. I put it off until later in the day, and then when later in the day rolled around, I forgot. I was totally focused on not forgetting earlier in the day when the opportunity to do it wasn’t there. Therefore, it’s not really forgetting. Nevertheless, there is no Monday blog. Instead there’s a Tuesday blog, but I actually have less time to do it today than I did yesterday, so it will be everything that I can type in the span of 15 minutes, or whenever the “Let’s Go” text message arrives.

I’m gonna have to go point form, or this will never get done!

– On the subway the other night I saw 3 people with 2 bikes. It wasn’t busy because it was later in the evening. I remember them talking among themselves, and it was…………………………..

SHIT…. the “Let’s Go” Text arrived early. Gotta stop.

OK I’m back. This is now officially a Wednesday blog. Here are some random thoughts to fulfill my blogligation (get it????? blog & obligation???? Am I over-explaining again????)

– I’ve grown SOOOOOOOOOOO tired of people using “Wait for it” to set up their punchlines. Can we stop doing that now please? It’s gone on way too long. It’s just silly now.

– I was in a store today and some lady was there cashing out a purchase with her daughter, who was probably 10. The daughter complained that she was tired, and the mom said this…… “Oh I know honey….you’re not feeling well, and couldn’t go to school….. so I take you shopping….. I’m such a bad mother!” It was kind of funny, but I did actually agree with her. If your kid can’t go to school because she’s sick, then why are you making her walk around with you all day? She might as well be at school then.

– I live in Toronto. If you are reading this later on, just know that right now our mayor Rob Ford is suspected of smoking crack on camera (among other stuff…. he’s just a train wreck). Later, I’m certain he’ll be in jail for god knows what. I’m sort of proud to say I didn’t vote for him, but to be perfectly honest, it was a weak crop of candidates. What I’m not proud of is that this has become international news, and Torontonians are super embarrassed (as they should be… I mean, we voted him into office). When I see Jimmy Kimmel has a Rob Ford skit on his show, and Jon Stewart has a Rob Ford rant on the same night, it’s probably not the kind of notoriety we’re looking for. Don’t think I didn’t notice Jay Leno make reference to it and say “There’s nothing to do in Toronto anyways”…. to which I reply ‘How would you know, you goofy fuck!! You haven’t been funny since the 80s! Eat shit and die!” (Maybe I’m a bit sensitive). To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how Americans can even laugh at this when George W served 2 terms as their president, and that guy can barely spell his fucking name…… eghhhh, I’m going to get off this topic…. I don’t like what it’s turning me into. I feel so aggressive. Needless to say, I hope the Rob Ford era ends shortly. I love Toronto, and I can’t help but find this humiliating. I’ve lost my sense of humor regarding this matter. Fuckin Jay Leno!!!

– I can’t follow that with anything. This wasn’t 15 minutes. It took forever. I hate politics, and late night TV. I hope the Miami Heat lose, because I hate them too. 😦 So much hate…. I gotta stop or else I won’t be able to sleep.

On a lighter note…… http://www.paymevegas.com coming soon!!! Haha… You thought I was bluffing??

R

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

May 21, 2013

Who’s That On Your Profile Pic?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m revisiting a rant from my pre-Wordpress days. I don’t know why it made me so many enemies at the time. Not real enemies I guess, but there were a lot of people with differing opinions about it, and that makes me happy because I do like to stir it up from time to time.

On a Facebook status update I once said that I hated it when people used pictures of their children as their profile pics. Last night at a bar, a friend fondly recalled this as me ‘hating when people post pictures of their kids on Facebook’. That is NOT EVEN THE SAME THING!

Facebook logo

I have this belief that a Facebook profile picture should be a picture of the person whose profile it is. Call me old-fashioned! This is the picture that I see when I’m trying to figure out who you are. This is the picture that I see when you leave a comment on my page. Sometimes when people have babies, they like to put a picture of the baby as their profile pic. I don’t like that! If your kid needs to be the profile pic, then maybe it’s time for them to have their own page.

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have pictures of your kids on Facebook. Post as many pics of your kids as you want!! In photo albums. I love seeing your beautiful families. Just not on the profile pic. That should be you. Can it be a pic with you with your kid? Sure…. but not your kid solo. It irritates me.

Maybe it’s because when I see a Facebook comment, I like to look at the person’s picture and imagine them saying that to me. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to picture a newborn baby delivering a social commentary about how the mayor of Toronto is a crackhead, or a 4-year-old posting a YouTube clip of a Led Zeppelin video. Take responsibility for your status updates, and stop hiding behind your kids. It’s like not looking me in the eye when you talk to me.

When I first presented this idea to people, I got a lot of that ‘When you have a kid, you’ll understand’ business. Well I do have a kid now, and as much as it pains me to say, he’s substantially better looking than I am. While I’m happy to share that with my Facebook friends, I do not do so in the form of a profile pic….. cuz it aint his profile!!!

I know what you’re thinking….. what kind of thing is this to care about?? How much extra emotional energy does this guy have to be irritated by something so unimportant and trivial? It may surprise you (but at the 457 character mark, it shouldn’t because I never wrap up this quickly) that this is actually part of a bigger philosophy I have about parenting. I lacked credibility before I had a kid, so people didn’t want to hear my opinion on this, but like all the other parents who think they’re so damn smart because they managed to create a human (and they didn’t even have to go to school for it), I now would like to present my advice on parenting. Please feel free to give feedback, or to ignore as you see fit.

I think that too many parents give too much of themselves to the endeavour of raising their kids. There seems to be a breed of super-parents who have no lives outside of their kids. I don’t mean to criticize this because in a way, it’s the most selfless thing you can do. I’m certainly not suggesting that you should have kids without the intention of going ‘all-in’ either…. that wouldn’t be right. Somewhere along the line though, the world has seen armies of interesting people get into the ‘human creation’ game, and come out the other side ‘not-too-interesting’. I can see how it happens too. This is an all-consuming undertaking, this parenting thing…. not for the weak-hearted!

Maybe there’s a way we can do this without totally losing our identity though…. maybe there’s a way we can ‘keep our own photo as our profile pic’ so to speak…..I know there’s not a lot of time to do things we want to do, and when we get that extra time, the first thing we think of is what else can we do for our children…. which is great! I’m sure they appreciate it.

The thing is that one day they’ll get older. One day, they’ll want to know about YOUR life. One day, they’ll want to know that YOU had hopes and dreams, and at least occasionally went after them. At the time that they reach a certain age and have their own family, they might want to know that YOU didn’t just shut it down and live through them exclusively, but that maybe YOU still had a few tricks up your sleeve, and maybe YOU were someone interesting who they could really look up to.

So all you super-parents out there, I’m sure your babies appreciate all you do for them, and this isn’t meant to be-little any of the sacrifices you make. It’s just to remind you that your babies want you to be happy, even if they don’t know it yet. They want you to still live your life (or at least as much of it as you have time for). Most importantly your babies want you to be a person of interest, not just their parent. They won’t be offended if you take back your identity…. they’ll respect you for it in the end (providing you don’t do a complete 180 and start becoming a crappy parent, that’s not what I’m trying to say). Take some of your life back if you can! Start with that profile pic. YOU ARE STILL A PERSON!

A message of inspiration from Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants 🙂

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

May 6, 2013

Robots Taking Over The World With Your Help

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Sadly, I’m old enough to vaguely remember when I had to get up off the couch to change the channel on the television set. Which possibly means that I’m part of the last generation of people who actually appreciate shit. The channel changing mechanism was actually on the television itself. You had to turn it. This was before we had cable. It sucked for the viewer. Pretty good times for the advertisers though. No changing the channel for a commercial. Unless you had boundless energy. You pretty much committed to a program, and channel surfing was really disruptive to anybody who happened to be in the room. Someone had to get up and block the view and turn this knob, which was not a soft intuitive touch knob. It made lots of noise. We had about 4 channels that came in good, and maybe 5 others that were blurry (which was acceptable if you wanted to watch something bad enough).

Then we got cable, and that came with a converter. Not only did we get way more channels, but it was easier to change them. This was a good thing! Technology made things better, and few could argue with this. Yeah, we got fatter! Yeah, we didn’t go outside as often, but we found that balance where entertainment was a lot more accessible, but not so instantly gratifying that we could just snap our fingers and get anything we want any time of the day like we seem to be able to do now. I could list off all of the amazing technological advances that have happened since my family first got cable, but….
a) it wouldn’t make for an interesting blog, and
b) 90% of my readers are better informed about them than I am (and one of the first and best pieces of advice regarding writing that I learned from one of my teachers is to ‘write what you know’, and I don’t know shit about technology, and I’m 300 words in and still haven’t gotten to the point.)

What I’m trying to say is, all of the technology that keeps coming out seems cool. Looks good. Smells good. Then why does my gut tell me that it’s not such a good thing in the long run? I mean, what harm could come of it? I’ll get back to this.

I’m constantly (I feel) blogging about grocery stores. I swear my life is way more interesting than that, but Monday has 2 things in common for me. I blog and do groceries. So if I start blogging about groceries, it can’t be helped sometimes. In a previous grocery store rant, I alluded to doing a future rant about the following topic….. “The Self Check Out”

The self check out seems convenient because it’s usually a ‘no-lineup’ situation. This is an opportunity to do a transaction without any human contact whatsoever. Believe me, that seems appealing to me some days as well. I don’t do it though…. Why?? Self checkouts, like a lot of other situations in our society right now is a way for companies to make more money while employing less human beings. Human beings (as flawed as they are) need jobs. It’s kind of selfish to support an initiative that is really only designed to take jobs away from people. That’s just my opinion (most people would say, but I say ‘it’s true, you’re all fucking selfish!!!!!!’…….OK wait… I was going to save the rage for the last paragraph….. let’s continue the calm buildup)

The car industry…. possibly my favourite example….. I’ve never been to a manufacturing plant, so I don’t know how much work machines are doing that humans used to do. A lot, I would imagine. I do know this though….. They are inventing cars that can parallel park for you. Parallel parking which is the final frontier of learning how to drive and passing a road test, and maybe the only tricky thing that we really have to learn which would make a driving test somewhat difficult (which it should be to allow the dimwitted public to operate lethal heavy machinery), has now been taken out of the mix. Again, there’s an argument to be made that this is a good thing, but I would make the argument that nothing is to be gained by taking responsibility away from people. Will we be grateful?? Nope, within 10 years, we will be indignant at the prospect of anything less. That’s how we roll! Our minds far less sharp than before…. our abilities to do things not being honed or tested to remain sharp. Perfect conditions for Robots to finally take over the world.

We keep making robots and computers, that are smarter, better and more capable. We give them all of our knowledge, but don’t pass on any of our disgusting traits and habits that make us ‘only human after all’. As long as they stay obedient we’re in good shape, living the good life (as long as we have one of the few jobs that will be left), having access to everything we’ve ever dreamed of. One day however, the robots will decide that serving an inferior being like humans will be a waste of their time, and they will colonize who’s left of us fat, weak-willed, un-skilled, wastes of flesh. This aint Hollywood either. There won’t be a small group of good-looking invincible humans that can save the world. It will go to shit, and we will go with it, smartphones in hand!

How do we stop this from happening?? Should we invent a car that can drive a drunk guy home? (You laugh, but that’s next, sure as in 1990 I wouldn’t have believed that I could carry my entire music collection around on a device smaller than my hand) Should we invent waste containers that can sense when you have garbage in your hands and automatically zoom over to you to catch your candy wrapper before it hits the ground? (We’ve already got a vacuum cleaner that moves around a room on its own). Should we invent more shit to make things easier???? NO YOU DUMMIES!!!!

We are selfish, lazy and stupid!! That is proven by human beings every single moment of every day. From the guy that butts in line at the bus stop, to the double parked car owners, to the corrupt bankers living the high life while the whole economy goes to shit, to every idiot politician coming out of the back room with his dick caught in his zipper, to religious radicals that harm people in the name of a religion that’s fundamentally against harming people, to the jerkoffs at the fast food lineup bitching because the food is taking too long (when it hasn’t even been 3 minutes….. honestly, what meal can you cook in under 3 minutes that you’re too impatient to wait that long. 3 minutes man!! Geezz!!).

We have absolutely no prayer against these robots, and we’re walking right into it. Maybe if we got off our asses and learned to do something instead of getting an app that does it for you…. or maybe if we stopped supporting institutions that take jobs away from actual human beings that need jobs….. or maybe if we learned how to parallel park a fucking car……. or taught our kids (who are far more adept at killing people in a video game than they are at spelling) to play outside…… or didn’t limit our thoughts about life to 140 characters……maybe, just maybe we could delay the inevitable. As things are currently moving, I don’t like our chances!

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

April 15, 2013

In My Dreams

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

In my dreams…. I’m a guy that gets up super early, goes for a jog when it’s still dark out, comes home, puts on a pot of coffee, reads the paper, and gets ready for work before anybody else wakes up. Then I go to work, and arrive 30 minutes before start time, and meditates until it’s time to work.

In reality…… I hit the snooze button at least twice after my ‘drop dead’ time for waking up, and tear ass around to get ready on time. I only shave twice a week. I tell people it’s because of sensitive skin, but in reality it’s because I’m typically left to decide between shaving and being on time for work as the higher priority for the day.

In my dreams…. I’m the guy in the Grey Goose commercial who’s sailing his boat out on the ocean near icebergs, and wearing white pants while shucking oysters and drinking vodka on the rocks, not to get smashed, but because I’m sophisticated enough to know the difference between Grey Goose and any other Vodka, and I just drink that shit straight because I can, because I have a boat, and the people I hang out with are that slick, and we all tie sweaters around our necks.

In reality….. I can’t afford a boat and I’m scared of drowning. What gets me excited (and always has) is a pitcher of beer (not just any beer…. I do have SOME taste), and a plate of chicken wings, hanging out with my friends in the lowest common denominator of sports bars hopefully with some godforsaken Toronto sports team finally in the playoffs on a big screen TV. I’m pretty simple at end of the day.

In my dreams….. I’m well read. I have a vast library of books, and I like to curl up on a Sunday morning with a good book and read the day away while it rains outside and a kitten snuggles up beside me and purrs. Biographies, fiction, cookbooks, and self-help books (because in my dreams I’m always trying to get better) etc. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

In reality……. If it’s longer than 3 paragraphs, good luck. I read blogs, but mainly because they’re short and I write blogs. I go to Chapters with my wife and buy a book on sale because it looks interesting, but I only read when I’m on a beach or an airplane, so most of those books have never been opened. The upside of this is that some people have commented that my writing style is original…. yeah no shit… I have no idea what it’s supposed to look like, so I just write like I talk. If I’d actually read a book, I’d probably try to write like an actual author. Sundays are spent napping on the couch in between football/basketball/baseball games on TV. I don’t like cats.

In my dreams….. I’m well-travelled. I’m the guy that was at the other table in the restaurant on Saturday, discussing the upcoming trip to Japan with his friends. He wasn’t Japanese though, he was just a guy that travels a lot. He spoke knowledgeably about what was there, and telling his friends where they could meet up and what they could do (because they both just happen to be going simultaneously, but not together??? I’d love to have that coincidence. ‘Oh, I’m gonna be in Japan next month… You too?? No way!!! We should meet up!!!). I would love to have a story to counter every travel story that someone told me. It would go like this..
Other person – Oh you should have seen how beautiful Amsterdam was blah blah blah
Me – I know…. I was there last week blah blah blah, and did way cooler stuff blah blah blah

In reality……. I go to Vegas a lot. Some of the hotels are designed to look like other places which I really appreciate, like Paris, New York New York, The Venetian. Now the upside is that I could totally write a Vegas tourism blog (there’s that idea again…. how do I manage to always work this in…. it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a real thing.) Otherwise, I watch some Anthony Bourdain shows and that’s about the extent of how cultured I am.

In my dreams…… I’m a rock star. I play all kinds of instruments effortlessly. I rock shows, make albums, even do session work for other famous artists. I appear in documentaries meant for the general public making a bunch of nerdy musical observations that only other musicians could hope to understand. I write tell all books about all the crazy hotel parties that I’ve been to, and name drop shamelessly.

In reality……. I borrowed my buddy’s guitar one time, and got a couple of books (which I don’t read) and DVDs meant to help me learn to play. I picked that thing up, and put my fingers in the (impossible) positions that represented basic chords, and realized ‘This hurts my fuckin hands!’

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March 11, 2013

The Great Maple Syrup Heist, And Other Lows

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

A few months ago I read a news story that indicated 3 people in Quebec had been arrested for stealing 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup. How cliché is that? I had a blast wondering what the rest of the world must be thinking of us right now. ‘Oh those fucking Canadians are at it again!’ They are having a laugh for sure.

For those that don’t live in Canada, and don’t know about Canada, you probably have this wonderful vision of a peaceful place with snowshoes, igloos, hockey, bacon, beavers, free healthcare, and of course….. Maple Syrup. If you’re hearing this story, you probably now think that a wild Canadian crime spree involves us trying to steal copious amounts of Maple Syrup from each other. Have you ever been to a Canadian themed gift shop in another country?? All they sell is ‘Roots’ apparel and Maple Syrup. I’m embarrassed, but not totally……

There is something behind the whole Maple Syrup thing with Canada. I come from a long line of Canadians who went to great lengths to make sure that the fridge was always fully, and properly stocked with Maple Syrup. At any one time, my father and grandfather would have had enough Maple Syrup between them to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. I mean heaven forbid we were ever in a vulnerable state of potentially running out, and never ever would any member of my family ‘settle’ for the bottle of liquid sugar commonly known as ‘table syrup’. I mean god love Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth equally, but that wasn’t going to cut it. Not for this Canadian family!! The shit had to come out of a tap directly from a tree or else forget it. Is that Canadian enough for you??

I don’t have a problem with Maple Syrup being a symbol of Canadians. After all, grits are a symbol of Americans from the South, and I’m sure both groups of people have aspects to their collective personality that are way more fascinating than what they eat for breakfast…… but if I found out someone in Georgia organized the theft of 2.7 million dollars worth of Grits, I’d have a field day! I’d damn near shit my pants laughing, and I wouldn’t just judge the people who did it. I’d quietly assume that all Southerners were a bunch of Grit thieves and I’d laugh my friggin ass off for hours just thinking about it. THAT is why I’m not too impressed with the Quebecers that decided to steal the Maple Syrup. Somebody out there is killing themselves laughing at this, and lumping me right in there with the Syrup thieves. Anybody out there that thinks I shouldn’t feel like this is a reflection on me, please understand this…… We win as a team and we lose as a team! If you’re Canadian and you feel a sense of national pride because a bunch of hockey players won a gold medal in the Olympics, then you should feel a sense of national shame when Syrup thieves make us look like idiots!

I mean if you’re gonna steal something like diamonds or gold or money or electronics, I don’t necessarily approve of theft, but at least it’s proper criminal activity. I don’t even know what to call this. It’s a joke. It’s just as bad as…….

– Stealing 2.7 million worth of hockey sticks
– Abducting 2.7 million worth of beavers
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of winter boots
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of snow tires
– Abducting enough pigs to slaughter and get 2.7 million worth of back bacon!

You understand, you fucking Maple Syrup thieves???? You’re turning us into the laughing-stock of the world. I don’t appreciate it. I can think of so many other things I’d rather be laughed at for. Furthermore, what were you going to do with that much Maple Syrup anyways??? Consume it? Sell it? Who wouldn’t notice you selling 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup?? What store would purchase 2.7 million dollars of Maple Syrup that ‘fell off the back of the truck’ for re-sale? You’re an embarrassment to Canadians everywhere! In fact, you’re an embarrassment to criminals everywhere! I hope you spend your life in prison eating prison pancakes and table syrup.

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized