Oh my god it’s been so long since I blogged that the layout of WordPress has changed. Too bad I hate change. Anyways, I scrolled through here to see if I ever told you about my 2nd short film called “Coffee Bikes”. I didn’t. I guess I opted for Facebook and Instagram instead this time. A picture is worth a thousand words they say. I should write about it, but I don’t have time and I don’t feel like it. Maybe I will some other time. If you want to watch it though??? That would be better than anything I could describe about it, so I’ll provide a link below. Let me know what you think.
Tag Archives: Humour
Construction Ducks
Is a story about two love birds, who returning north from wintering in some favorable climate, find each other and begin their courtship. No online dating required. Just good old Duck Talk pick up lines. I mean they were probably flying when they met, what could you possibly say up there?
M – You’re hot
F – You look like you fly good
M – Wanna make babies?
F – You had me at ‘you’re hot’
Animal instincts take over, and they become a couple (actually animal instincts didn’t take over, they were probably running this scenario from jump). It must have been so romantic they way they gazed into each other’s eyes the whole time, and completely overshot Lake Ontario. Or perhaps they were looking for something a little more secluded. Or perhaps he told her he had a private lake. Probably that. First body of water he sees that doesn’t look like it’s spoken for becomes the private lake.
F – Cool lake. What’s with all the bulldozers?
M – Don’t worry about that baby.
So they made sweet love on their private lake, and began to build a nest. Not a lot of options for nest locations. This lake is a 5 or 6 day heat wave from not even being a lake anymore, it’s so small. That doesn’t bother them at all. They frolic around their little construction site lake, which is soon to suffer a fate, only foreman or contractor could predict. They don’t need it that long. How long does it take to make Duck Babies and teach them to fly? Can’t be that long!
Almost every day I go to visit them. Not only am I totally obsessed with their unique story, but I’ve been quarantining, and this is what qualifies as ‘getting out’ these days. I haven’t seen them in a while. I don’t know if the site didn’t work out, maybe too much construction noise. Maybe they found a better spot. Maybe they go out and grab dinner at around that time, because it’s usually 5pm, and everyone knows that Ducks eat dinner at around 5. Maybe shit just didn’t work out between them. After all, based on what I’ve said about them (and that’s all we have to go on), their relationship was kind of superficial. My Duck friends will be in my thoughts literally every time I walk past their home. I hope whatever has happened, it was for the best, and I wish my Duck friends well. We’re not really friends though, I just visit them sometimes, and I like to quack at them, but they don’t really quack back, but it’s cool.
“Oh to be young, and to feel love’s keen sting!” – Professor Dumbledore
Don’t Give Up Just Yet
I’m writing this during the COVID-19 crisis, but I want you to know that I would be writing this no matter what was happening in the world. If you’ve read my blog in the past, you know this. These are really tough times though, so I’m going to aim for 20% less judgy to suit the occasion, plus maybe end with some inspiration as the title as probably lead you to believe, and I don’t want to let you down.
I’m at home with my wife and son, and once a day, usually after 4pm, we leave our condo building to go for a quick walk outside. Taking all necessary precautions mind you…. the precautions themselves rival the actual walk itself. I’ve found that my 7 year old son’s neck-warmer/scarf, which are loose on him, wrap around my head perfectly and make a nice tight impromptu mask. My favorite is the Pokemon one. I look super gangster when I go out, but possibly fun too. We take the stairs to avoid elevators, and we sanitize our hands as soon as we’re out of the building. We see a few people out there, but not a ton, and everybody gives each other space because they know the drill by now. It’s great. I need it after a day of home schooling, and cooking (like I always cooked, but we used to go to restaurants a lot… I’ve never cooked this much), and baking (I bake now…. surprise…..only loafs so far, or is it loaves? Spellcheck seems OK with either……I called my son a loaf this morning…… it was awesome, because I actually had a loaf within arms reach, and I grabbed it to give him the comparison. Are we still within the parenthesis here? Damn).
So, upon returning from our short journey, which had been made shorter by my son who notified us that he had to take a shit, I saw something that obviously prompted me to do a bit of writing tonight. There was a lady near the door we wanted to go in, smoking a cigarette, basically prompting us to go around and use the other door. Not because of the cigarette, but the 6 feet of distancing thing, so that was fine. The thing was, this lady was fully wearing a pair of pyjamas, and a robe overtop. Let me remind you that it was probably close to 5pm. So…… I have a few issues with this… where do I start exactly? I could just say ‘Put some damn clothes on’ and end the blog like that, but I want to drill down a bit if I may.
Let’s start with where I live. You could say it’s in the city, but you could also say it’s outside of the city. Depends on your perspective. Let’s just call it a no pyjama zone. If you go far enough out into the boonies, pyjamas seems to be an acceptable grocery shopping uniform, I’ve seen it (and been dismayed by it). If you go deep enough into the city, you are bound to see some pyjama’d folks that are either homeless, or in close proximity to a mental health facility. So they get free passes from me, that’s part of being in the city. My building though? Not that I’m one for a lot of rules, but couldn’t you throw on some track pants and a t-shirt before you came downstairs? Let me answer that for you! Yes you could! I know because I’ve done it, and it’s not as complicated as you might think. In fact, I’ve never failed to do it. I always got a pair of pants on before going out in public. You’re welcome world!
Now speaking of my building….. I almost forgot to mention that all units in my building have balconies. Yes, there is a designated place for firing up lung darts while in pyjamas, free from the scrutiny of rotten judgemental bloggers such as myself. (Side note – Spell check is trying so hard to get me to spell pyjamas differently. Looked it up and it seems Americans use an ‘a’ instead of ‘y’. They’re in charge of spell check, but I feel like the ‘y’ makes it a cooler word, so I’m sticking with it this time. Sorry Americans, but I had your back earlier when I took the ‘u’ out of favourite).
So we are going through some challenging times with COVID-19, and I’m trying to decide if I give this lady a pass (as if it were up to me). It’s quite possible that this lady is going through some shit, and has zero fucks left to give at this exact moment. Like for example, if I found out she was a nurse or something, and she worked a 16 hour shift, and came downstairs for a smoke because she got better reception on her phone or something, I’d be like ‘as you were ma’am.’ What I really think happened though, is that some people that can’t leave their homes, are just PJ’d up 24/7. Totally plausible, and I don’t even think there’s anything wrong with that. I’ve drifted into the afternoon before getting my clothes on a few times since this thing started. Just never drifted outside without clothes, because I just think there have to be limits.
I think going outside in pyjamas is like waving a white flag. ‘I give up world! I don’t care enough about myself, or you to step my legs through a pair of leggings or shorts or something!’ I don’t like this. Call me old fashioned, but you’ve heard the term ‘Dress for the job you want, not the one you have’. Does it apply here? I dunno. I’m not saying we should be binge watching Netflix in dress pants or anything. This staying inside business has a uniform of only the most comfy gear. The thing is, we will come out of this one day. It will be time to face the world again some day. Time to interact with humans face to face some day. See family and friends again. I just don’t want to see the world give up. The road will be tough, but……..We are strong. We are better than this. We can conquer this….. and when we do……when we are standing on the mountain top, and planting our flag……we will be doing so…… with proper fucking clothes on. That’s all I’m saying
🙂
One Door Closes…. Another Opens
Gonna be home for a few days. Weeks even? Who knows? Corona Virus is a thing, and if you’re consuming this while it’s fresh, then you know more than you’d like to about social distancing. If you’re reading it years from now, congratulations, you survived. Here’s to hoping this is soon just a punchline to some shitty joke. In the meantime, what to do? Great time of year to watch Sports!! Hockey and Basketball playoffs coming soon, Baseball about to start up. What? They’re all cancelled? Oh man. Binge watching TV and movies I guess. What else? Good time to listen to music. I mean really listen. Like we used to. When we had those album covers we could read while the record was spinning. For me? Well I do have this blog. I’d argue that it’s at least 5 years past it’s prime, but hasn’t necessarily gone into retirement yet. Hey, if George Foreman could win the heavyweight title in his 40’s, I could surely get this thing chugging again. After all, my readers have nothing but time, and I have nothing but time. Surely my son, (who is soon to be bored out of his skull, if not already) would love to just give Daddy the kind of space he requires to do a bunch of writing every day….. NOT. Plus my wife needs the chair I’m sitting in to work from home. So there are obstacles, and my output over the coming weeks will be direct evidence of my resolve. So if this is the last you hear of me, don’t be surprised, but nevertheless, HERE WE GO!
What to write…. This blog in it’s prime was very ranty. I was younger I suppose. More full of piss and vinegar. I can feel myself mellowing. Not so entertaining. I could rant about social distancing. It would be so ‘of the moment’. To be honest though, I really feel like people were never quite designed to go through something like this. It will be very interesting to see how compliant the entire world will be simultaneously. I’m really not that angry with people right now. Again, if you’re reading this years from now, WE MADE IT!
Starved for something to write about, I thought about a prompt of some sorts that would ask me questions that I could just answer. Slight cop out, but should get me through my first session. I stumbled across another WordPress blog that had just such a list. I’ll attach the link as a shout out. It’s from 9 years ago, so who knows if she still writes or whatever, but I didn’t do too much research on the other, because I had to start typing. https://efcarletti.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/50-good-questions-to-ask-yourself-and-others/
I did not compare these questions with others on the net. I just committed to answering them. I have not even read them all. My answers will be below each question
50 good questions to ask yourself and others
1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?
I’m a giver of nicknames. Not always a receiver of one.
2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?
‘Acid For The Children’ – Flea ‘Muhammad Ali – Through The Eyes of the World’ – Various…..Currently reading ‘The Beastie Boys Book’…. I never read, but this week I’ve read a lot.
3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?
I don’t. I guess I mind doodle? It looks crazy
4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?
I mind doodle lol
5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?
Not sure. I feel like I could last a while. I think I would just develop other personalities and invisible friends and make the best of it.
6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?
I save them, but never go through them. Maybe I will though.
7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?
My mom. Sorry mom.
8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?
Depends on the party and it depends on how I feel at the time. I’ve done all 3, but if it’s people I know well, I make my presence known, because that’s more fun.
9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?
Humour lol. I guess that’s not the answer. I’d give up smell maybe?
10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?
Couldn’t attach a number to it. Every time I pass one.
11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?
That my face would ‘stay like that’
12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?
I think I enjoy teasing people. I try not to be mean about it, or at least know ahead of time if the person can ‘handle’ it or not. I do it to my son. He hates it. I hated it when I was his age. I’d like to think that I’m preparing him to deal with it later in life when it’s not me that does it, which is possibly true. I think you need to learn to laugh at yourself. Once you can laugh at yourself, it takes the sting out of other people laughing at you. I think. Or maybe I’m causing mass psychological damage to everyone I know. Sorry.
13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?
Jade (speaking of people I love to tease). She is the queen of intentionally doing ridiculous things, and feeling zero shame about any of it. For a couple of years we worked together and she was my boss. If I made the mistake of offering to go on a Starbucks run, I would have to rhyme off 7 obnoxious details about her drink like the amount of sugar or whip cream, and it was never just the standard amount. I don’t think she goes a month without doing something that by most standards is completely bizarre, and posting it on social media for all her friends to either lol, or eye roll at. Every pic she takes of herself has a Jade face, where she looks like she’s getting shot out of a cannon. She was a fun boss and good friend. When my father passed away, she would cook food, and bring it to my mom’s house (I don’t know if my mom even knew who she was). When my wife had to go to the hospital for a day, she insisted on ordering us a dinner from Uber Eats even though we hadn’t hung out a lot during that time. I’ll never forget those gestures.
14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?
Wow. Like I said, these questions are from 9 years ago, so I’ll answer this one like it was 9 years ago. Every day. Toronto Star or Toronto Sun, Sports page, and whatever else I have time for.
15. Which animals scare you most? Why?
Rats are fucking nasty, I don’t know why.
16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?
Depends on the day. Instinct is to avoid, but my learned behaviour is to engage head-on, after a cooling off period preferably.
17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?
Somebody at work took me aside and thanked me for teaching them so much. That meant a lot.
18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?
I always secretly admire people who can wake up in the morning, seem rested, and have a great breakfast routine, where they mentally prepare for the day. Oh and do yoga and or workout in the morning. When I wake up in the morning I push the snooze button 14 times, and fly through the condo like I’m escaping from a fire, and I’m at work with a coffee in my hand and a breakfast bar in my pocket to be consumed later, probably no more than 30 minutes after my head is still on my pillow
19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain.
Yeah. Maybe. No. I don’t know.
20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.
I would say no. However I offset that with being completely unreasonable over small details, so yes. (Just asked my wife. She spoke to me about it for 20 minutes, and says EVERYBODY thinks so.)
21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits?
Once or twice a week I play basketball against people that are usually 10-20 years younger than me. It takes me 2 days to recover. How much longer can I do this? I guess as long as the back holds up.
22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?
I’ve usually just rolled with a few close incredibly long tenured friends. Shout out to them. Apparently I’m high maintenance 😉
23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?
Both, but to build an empire, I need others to unleash the potential of me. I’m too lazy to do things alone. I need the right partnership to get shit done.
24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?
I saw an alien spaceship land and……….I have a blog. If I witnessed a strange occurrence, you would know by now.
25. What do you think about more than anything else?
5 way tie and it depends on the day. Family/Friends/Work/Sports/Music
Well…. That’s 25 out of 50 questions. As my high school teachers would confirm, that gets me a D and a pass. I’ve learned some very important things here today. Talking about myself is exhausting. I am HIGH maintenance according to my wife and possibly many others. Blogging starts out fun for the first 300 words, and then gets sucky and boring past 1000.
Anyways… for those that read to the bottom. Stay safe and wash your hands 🙂 For those that don’t read to the bottom, stay safe and wash your hands as well.
That Time I Had My Own Cooking Show
As part of my get rich incredibly slow or possibly never scheme, I’ve decided to go after some of that YouTube money. You know the kind. The kind that kids get from opening boxes of toys, while other kids watch on TV…. or teenagers playing video games while other teenagers watch on TV…… or other random content creators that find something so niche to say or do on the internet, that millions of people need to see. They make that advertising money. Some of these people don’t even have to work anymore. That’s the easy-way-out scenario that I’ve always craved and dreamed of. The same dream that perhaps made me start writing this blog once upon a time. Slowly getting out of the blog game though. People don’t want to read. I don’t even want to read. If you knew how little I read, you’d be amazed at the hypocrisy of me being a blogger. So what then???
A lot of people say ‘Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’. Ever since I turned 40, my new motto has been ‘Just because you shouldn’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t’. So with that in mind, I decided to start a cooking show. My collaborator is a chef. Another couple of buddies of mine do film stuff. Suddenly, this thing’s got legs and doesn’t seem so crazy. We call it ‘Cumin Beings’. It’s not like a lot of the cooking videos you see online these days, which are lots of recipes and food shots, but lacking in personality. I miss the old cooking shows where the host/chef would actually hang out with you and talk you through it. So much of what you see on TV now is the reality shows and the chef competitions. Those are fun too, but we were aiming for some edutainment. A little different, but still a little familiar.
So without going on and on about it, I’ve attached the link to episode one below. I hope you’ll watch it/dig it/share it. We’re already plotting to shoot a couple more in the near future. If you could help me get some of that YouTube money by spreading the word, I’d be grateful. Maybe won’t be able to quit the day job, but it would be cool to generate a budget to do more of these. I’ll let the universe decide. Enjoy! Recipes below the link.
Rub:
4 tbsp kosher salt
2 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp smoked paprika
1/2 tbsp white pepper
1 tbsp onion powder
3 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp hot chili flake (optional)
Mix all ingredients together in a bowl.
Sauce:
3 cups ketchup
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
2-3 tbsp rub (see above)
1 cup maple syrup (REAL whenever possible)
1/4 cup cider vinegar
Mix all ingredients together in a pot over low heat….stir frequently to combine flavours, 5-7 minutes. Allow to cool, then store it in the fridge.
Slaw:
1/2 medium head Savoy cabbage cut into fine strips
1/2 medium Spanish onion julienned
1 medium carrot peeled and julienned
1 medium Northern Spy or Russet apple sliced finely
1 tbsp rub
2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 cup cider vinegar
Combine all ingredients in a bowl and toss well to combine. Allow to marinate half an hour before serving.
On this day in 1994
Man, I looked down at the date today and it rang out in my mind. I couldn’t figure out why at first, was it somebody’s birthday? Did I have an appointment or something? I eventually remembered the significance of the day. It was my first hip hop concert. 1994. 25 years ago. Good lord! I had that ticket hanging on a bulletin board in my bedroom when I was younger, and that’s probably how I remembered the date. (Or…. the real story if you prefer is that it was the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend at the time, and I felt shitty for not hanging out with her that night, but……) we were going to see De La Soul and A Tribe Called Quest who to this day are my two favourite hip hop artists. What a show! The latter who I have to choose if asked for a preference, was at the absolute pinnacle of their career, which in my humble opinion coincided with the very peak of hip hop as an art form. This would be like seeing Led Zeppelin in 1971, or James Brown, or Elvis or something like that. Prince or Queen I suppose.
I went with my friend Brad. Which made me think of this picture. This picture is not from that night. I have no pics from that night. There were no camera phones back then. Most dudes didn’t carry cameras around with them. A good chunk of my life is undocumented. From whenever my mom stopped thinking I was cute 😉 (I wink there, because my mom will read this, and better still think I’m cute), to whenever I got it in my mind to buy a camera. Whatever those years were, there aren’t many pics. Maybe some birthdays or something.
This pic is of Brad and I in the summer of 93. About to go on a road trip to Cleveland to watch the Blue Jays (who won the World Series that year btw…. and haven’t won since *sniff*). We were mad skinny, oh my god! Ready to drive a Pontiac Acadian over the border. I must have blogged about this car already, but it didn’t have power steering. If you’re under 40, you don’t even know what that means!!! If you’ve ever been to a theme park or carnival that had a spinning tea-cup ride, or some other equivalent, there’s usually this giant steel wheel in the middle of the cup that you can try to spin around while you’re spinning around to control freak your own turns, and it’s heavy as shit to turn. That’s what driving a car with no power steering is like.
Summer of 93
Look at us!!! Young and full of piss and vinegar. Look at my Chuck Taylors… man I gotta get another pair of those. That car embodies the phrase, ‘putting lipstick on a pig’. That car was a piece of shit. It looked cool though, and the system pumped. The rest mattered not. That was summer of 93. In the Fall, A Tribe Called Quest put out their best album ‘Midnight Marauders’ (apologies to Tribe fans who prefer ‘Low End Theory’…. you are not wrong either), and the Toronto Blue Jays would win that last World Series. I was 18 and skinny. Didn’t have any idea what I was doing, but I looked alright doing it. I’m not trying to say that was any better than 2018….. but it didn’t suck. That’s all I wanted to say.
thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants 