Monthly Archives: May 2013

15 Minutes Of Furious Blogging

Oooops…… I forgot to blog yesterday. I mean, I didn’t totally forget. I put it off until later in the day, and then when later in the day rolled around, I forgot. I was totally focused on not forgetting earlier in the day when the opportunity to do it wasn’t there. Therefore, it’s not really forgetting. Nevertheless, there is no Monday blog. Instead there’s a Tuesday blog, but I actually have less time to do it today than I did yesterday, so it will be everything that I can type in the span of 15 minutes, or whenever the “Let’s Go” text message arrives.

I’m gonna have to go point form, or this will never get done!

– On the subway the other night I saw 3 people with 2 bikes. It wasn’t busy because it was later in the evening. I remember them talking among themselves, and it was…………………………..

SHIT…. the “Let’s Go” Text arrived early. Gotta stop.

OK I’m back. This is now officially a Wednesday blog. Here are some random thoughts to fulfill my blogligation (get it????? blog & obligation???? Am I over-explaining again????)

– I’ve grown SOOOOOOOOOOO tired of people using “Wait for it” to set up their punchlines. Can we stop doing that now please? It’s gone on way too long. It’s just silly now.

– I was in a store today and some lady was there cashing out a purchase with her daughter, who was probably 10. The daughter complained that she was tired, and the mom said this…… “Oh I know honey….you’re not feeling well, and couldn’t go to school….. so I take you shopping….. I’m such a bad mother!” It was kind of funny, but I did actually agree with her. If your kid can’t go to school because she’s sick, then why are you making her walk around with you all day? She might as well be at school then.

– I live in Toronto. If you are reading this later on, just know that right now our mayor Rob Ford is suspected of smoking crack on camera (among other stuff…. he’s just a train wreck). Later, I’m certain he’ll be in jail for god knows what. I’m sort of proud to say I didn’t vote for him, but to be perfectly honest, it was a weak crop of candidates. What I’m not proud of is that this has become international news, and Torontonians are super embarrassed (as they should be… I mean, we voted him into office). When I see Jimmy Kimmel has a Rob Ford skit on his show, and Jon Stewart has a Rob Ford rant on the same night, it’s probably not the kind of notoriety we’re looking for. Don’t think I didn’t notice Jay Leno make reference to it and say “There’s nothing to do in Toronto anyways”…. to which I reply ‘How would you know, you goofy fuck!! You haven’t been funny since the 80s! Eat shit and die!” (Maybe I’m a bit sensitive). To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how Americans can even laugh at this when George W served 2 terms as their president, and that guy can barely spell his fucking name…… eghhhh, I’m going to get off this topic…. I don’t like what it’s turning me into. I feel so aggressive. Needless to say, I hope the Rob Ford era ends shortly. I love Toronto, and I can’t help but find this humiliating. I’ve lost my sense of humor regarding this matter. Fuckin Jay Leno!!!

– I can’t follow that with anything. This wasn’t 15 minutes. It took forever. I hate politics, and late night TV. I hope the Miami Heat lose, because I hate them too. 😦 So much hate…. I gotta stop or else I won’t be able to sleep.

On a lighter note…… http://www.paymevegas.com coming soon!!! Haha… You thought I was bluffing??

R


Who’s That On Your Profile Pic?

I’m revisiting a rant from my pre-Wordpress days. I don’t know why it made me so many enemies at the time. Not real enemies I guess, but there were a lot of people with differing opinions about it, and that makes me happy because I do like to stir it up from time to time.

On a Facebook status update I once said that I hated it when people used pictures of their children as their profile pics. Last night at a bar, a friend fondly recalled this as me ‘hating when people post pictures of their kids on Facebook’. That is NOT EVEN THE SAME THING!

Facebook logo

I have this belief that a Facebook profile picture should be a picture of the person whose profile it is. Call me old-fashioned! This is the picture that I see when I’m trying to figure out who you are. This is the picture that I see when you leave a comment on my page. Sometimes when people have babies, they like to put a picture of the baby as their profile pic. I don’t like that! If your kid needs to be the profile pic, then maybe it’s time for them to have their own page.

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have pictures of your kids on Facebook. Post as many pics of your kids as you want!! In photo albums. I love seeing your beautiful families. Just not on the profile pic. That should be you. Can it be a pic with you with your kid? Sure…. but not your kid solo. It irritates me.

Maybe it’s because when I see a Facebook comment, I like to look at the person’s picture and imagine them saying that to me. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to picture a newborn baby delivering a social commentary about how the mayor of Toronto is a crackhead, or a 4-year-old posting a YouTube clip of a Led Zeppelin video. Take responsibility for your status updates, and stop hiding behind your kids. It’s like not looking me in the eye when you talk to me.

When I first presented this idea to people, I got a lot of that ‘When you have a kid, you’ll understand’ business. Well I do have a kid now, and as much as it pains me to say, he’s substantially better looking than I am. While I’m happy to share that with my Facebook friends, I do not do so in the form of a profile pic….. cuz it aint his profile!!!

I know what you’re thinking….. what kind of thing is this to care about?? How much extra emotional energy does this guy have to be irritated by something so unimportant and trivial? It may surprise you (but at the 457 character mark, it shouldn’t because I never wrap up this quickly) that this is actually part of a bigger philosophy I have about parenting. I lacked credibility before I had a kid, so people didn’t want to hear my opinion on this, but like all the other parents who think they’re so damn smart because they managed to create a human (and they didn’t even have to go to school for it), I now would like to present my advice on parenting. Please feel free to give feedback, or to ignore as you see fit.

I think that too many parents give too much of themselves to the endeavour of raising their kids. There seems to be a breed of super-parents who have no lives outside of their kids. I don’t mean to criticize this because in a way, it’s the most selfless thing you can do. I’m certainly not suggesting that you should have kids without the intention of going ‘all-in’ either…. that wouldn’t be right. Somewhere along the line though, the world has seen armies of interesting people get into the ‘human creation’ game, and come out the other side ‘not-too-interesting’. I can see how it happens too. This is an all-consuming undertaking, this parenting thing…. not for the weak-hearted!

Maybe there’s a way we can do this without totally losing our identity though…. maybe there’s a way we can ‘keep our own photo as our profile pic’ so to speak…..I know there’s not a lot of time to do things we want to do, and when we get that extra time, the first thing we think of is what else can we do for our children…. which is great! I’m sure they appreciate it.

The thing is that one day they’ll get older. One day, they’ll want to know about YOUR life. One day, they’ll want to know that YOU had hopes and dreams, and at least occasionally went after them. At the time that they reach a certain age and have their own family, they might want to know that YOU didn’t just shut it down and live through them exclusively, but that maybe YOU still had a few tricks up your sleeve, and maybe YOU were someone interesting who they could really look up to.

So all you super-parents out there, I’m sure your babies appreciate all you do for them, and this isn’t meant to be-little any of the sacrifices you make. It’s just to remind you that your babies want you to be happy, even if they don’t know it yet. They want you to still live your life (or at least as much of it as you have time for). Most importantly your babies want you to be a person of interest, not just their parent. They won’t be offended if you take back your identity…. they’ll respect you for it in the end (providing you don’t do a complete 180 and start becoming a crappy parent, that’s not what I’m trying to say). Take some of your life back if you can! Start with that profile pic. YOU ARE STILL A PERSON!

A message of inspiration from Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants 🙂


If I wrote for ‘The Onion’, it would look something like this……

The Onion is the funniest, and in strange ways the most accurate newspaper around. For those that haven’t read it, it’s a satirical newspaper that is ‘shit your pants’ funny, but if you read between the lines, most of the stories are delivering a viewpoint in a really clever manner. I don’t laugh out loud at any other time more than I do when I read this paper (or website http://www.theonion.com). In that I’ve written a blog for an entire year that I like to categorize as humorous, my dream writing job would be to work for ‘the Onion’. (I don’t want to fully commit to that…. I have no idea what the working conditions or pay are like…..it could totally be a nightmare job as opposed to a dream job for all I know.) That being said, I decided it would be a neat idea to write an article ‘Onion-style’ to see if I could pull it off. Perhaps YOU can be the judge (which is a sad plea for comments on my blog….. did you see right through that?)

My article……

“Local Youth Achieves Street Credibility With The Purchase Of Low-Rise Jeans”

TORONTO – Local Youth Richie Johnson achieved street credibility yesterday by purchasing a pair of jeans that show the crack of his ass when he bends over. When asked if he thought it would be annoying to have to pull his pants up after every two and a half steps he takes, Richie was quoted as saying “Yeah, they’re a little uncomfortable, but they look cool, and that’s all that matters.” Sources confirmed that most of the kids that Richie wants to hang out with wear pants that are incredibly tight from the ankles through the thighs, and then unexplainably loose around the waist. “It adds to my street cred,” Richie added.

A classmate of Richie’s who requested to remain unnamed commented that “Richie is just a loser who thinks that if he dresses cool, that people will like him better.” The anonymous source confirmed that Richie has absolutely no ‘street cred’ to ‘add to’. Studies indicate that most of the wannabe thugs and gangsters that are wearing these pants are completely unaware of the irony that wearing pants that show a good 3 inches of butt cleavage (and thinking it makes you look like a bad boy) makes it impossible to outrun the police should their illegal activities ever lead to such a foot chase, yet they insist. “I think Richie thinks he’s a rapper now that he bought these jeans”, the source continued. “I don’t know who he thinks he is…. last week he was wearing fucking corduroy from Wal-Mart”

When his family was reached for comment, his older brother Marcus was the only one who was willing to speak with reporters. “Richie’s such a punk. A real embarrassment to the rest of the family. He’s wanted this idiotic looking pants for 2 years now, and our mom finally let him get a pair. He’s so full of himself right now, I swear when he’s least expecting, I’m going to give him the biggest fucking wedgie, of all time….. It’ll take him 2 weeks to get his balls out of his ass…. fucking goof!”

Teachers and students from his high school have seen this type of behavior before. Two years ago it was reported that he spent an entire semester growing his hair to achieve a windswept Justin Bieber look, but only managed to get his hair to look like a toupee. Jill Stevens, a teammate of Richie’s added “Wow, he finally got those skinny jeans he wanted. You can always count on Richie to be all over some fad that people had forgotten about for 3 years already.”

At press time, there was a growing concern developing over what underwear (that will ultimately be exposed) would be suitable to wear with these jeans. “I never really thought about the importance of that until I tried the jeans on” stated a perplexed Richie. “I guess I’ll just have to see what everyone else is doing!” Richie was last spotted at Target in the boxer short section debating hard about which colour of underwear would be more intimidating.


Robots Taking Over The World With Your Help

Sadly, I’m old enough to vaguely remember when I had to get up off the couch to change the channel on the television set. Which possibly means that I’m part of the last generation of people who actually appreciate shit. The channel changing mechanism was actually on the television itself. You had to turn it. This was before we had cable. It sucked for the viewer. Pretty good times for the advertisers though. No changing the channel for a commercial. Unless you had boundless energy. You pretty much committed to a program, and channel surfing was really disruptive to anybody who happened to be in the room. Someone had to get up and block the view and turn this knob, which was not a soft intuitive touch knob. It made lots of noise. We had about 4 channels that came in good, and maybe 5 others that were blurry (which was acceptable if you wanted to watch something bad enough).

Then we got cable, and that came with a converter. Not only did we get way more channels, but it was easier to change them. This was a good thing! Technology made things better, and few could argue with this. Yeah, we got fatter! Yeah, we didn’t go outside as often, but we found that balance where entertainment was a lot more accessible, but not so instantly gratifying that we could just snap our fingers and get anything we want any time of the day like we seem to be able to do now. I could list off all of the amazing technological advances that have happened since my family first got cable, but….
a) it wouldn’t make for an interesting blog, and
b) 90% of my readers are better informed about them than I am (and one of the first and best pieces of advice regarding writing that I learned from one of my teachers is to ‘write what you know’, and I don’t know shit about technology, and I’m 300 words in and still haven’t gotten to the point.)

What I’m trying to say is, all of the technology that keeps coming out seems cool. Looks good. Smells good. Then why does my gut tell me that it’s not such a good thing in the long run? I mean, what harm could come of it? I’ll get back to this.

I’m constantly (I feel) blogging about grocery stores. I swear my life is way more interesting than that, but Monday has 2 things in common for me. I blog and do groceries. So if I start blogging about groceries, it can’t be helped sometimes. In a previous grocery store rant, I alluded to doing a future rant about the following topic….. “The Self Check Out”

The self check out seems convenient because it’s usually a ‘no-lineup’ situation. This is an opportunity to do a transaction without any human contact whatsoever. Believe me, that seems appealing to me some days as well. I don’t do it though…. Why?? Self checkouts, like a lot of other situations in our society right now is a way for companies to make more money while employing less human beings. Human beings (as flawed as they are) need jobs. It’s kind of selfish to support an initiative that is really only designed to take jobs away from people. That’s just my opinion (most people would say, but I say ‘it’s true, you’re all fucking selfish!!!!!!’…….OK wait… I was going to save the rage for the last paragraph….. let’s continue the calm buildup)

The car industry…. possibly my favourite example….. I’ve never been to a manufacturing plant, so I don’t know how much work machines are doing that humans used to do. A lot, I would imagine. I do know this though….. They are inventing cars that can parallel park for you. Parallel parking which is the final frontier of learning how to drive and passing a road test, and maybe the only tricky thing that we really have to learn which would make a driving test somewhat difficult (which it should be to allow the dimwitted public to operate lethal heavy machinery), has now been taken out of the mix. Again, there’s an argument to be made that this is a good thing, but I would make the argument that nothing is to be gained by taking responsibility away from people. Will we be grateful?? Nope, within 10 years, we will be indignant at the prospect of anything less. That’s how we roll! Our minds far less sharp than before…. our abilities to do things not being honed or tested to remain sharp. Perfect conditions for Robots to finally take over the world.

We keep making robots and computers, that are smarter, better and more capable. We give them all of our knowledge, but don’t pass on any of our disgusting traits and habits that make us ‘only human after all’. As long as they stay obedient we’re in good shape, living the good life (as long as we have one of the few jobs that will be left), having access to everything we’ve ever dreamed of. One day however, the robots will decide that serving an inferior being like humans will be a waste of their time, and they will colonize who’s left of us fat, weak-willed, un-skilled, wastes of flesh. This aint Hollywood either. There won’t be a small group of good-looking invincible humans that can save the world. It will go to shit, and we will go with it, smartphones in hand!

How do we stop this from happening?? Should we invent a car that can drive a drunk guy home? (You laugh, but that’s next, sure as in 1990 I wouldn’t have believed that I could carry my entire music collection around on a device smaller than my hand) Should we invent waste containers that can sense when you have garbage in your hands and automatically zoom over to you to catch your candy wrapper before it hits the ground? (We’ve already got a vacuum cleaner that moves around a room on its own). Should we invent more shit to make things easier???? NO YOU DUMMIES!!!!

We are selfish, lazy and stupid!! That is proven by human beings every single moment of every day. From the guy that butts in line at the bus stop, to the double parked car owners, to the corrupt bankers living the high life while the whole economy goes to shit, to every idiot politician coming out of the back room with his dick caught in his zipper, to religious radicals that harm people in the name of a religion that’s fundamentally against harming people, to the jerkoffs at the fast food lineup bitching because the food is taking too long (when it hasn’t even been 3 minutes….. honestly, what meal can you cook in under 3 minutes that you’re too impatient to wait that long. 3 minutes man!! Geezz!!).

We have absolutely no prayer against these robots, and we’re walking right into it. Maybe if we got off our asses and learned to do something instead of getting an app that does it for you…. or maybe if we stopped supporting institutions that take jobs away from actual human beings that need jobs….. or maybe if we learned how to parallel park a fucking car……. or taught our kids (who are far more adept at killing people in a video game than they are at spelling) to play outside…… or didn’t limit our thoughts about life to 140 characters……maybe, just maybe we could delay the inevitable. As things are currently moving, I don’t like our chances!