Tag Archives: Babies

What’s On My Mind Grapes

This is the Wednesdayist Monday blog you’ll ever read from me! That’s if I get it in in the next 26 minutes, for then my friends, it will be Thursday. I was struggling to think about what to write, and then the ideas I had seemed vaguely familiar. Like ‘I already wrote that blog’ kind of familiar. So I will bring my self down to the lowest common denominator of randomness which I like to call ‘Bullet Points’.

– When looking through previous blogs, it disturbs me that the Rob Ford thing has been going on this long. Everybody within 50 miles of that sucks! They’ve now stripped him of most of his powers, and he’s now mayor in name only, as well as going out into the world and doing some ‘mayor’ appearances. WAIT A MINUTE…….. Isn’t that the part of the job that he sucks at? The part of being mayor and going out in public? If anything, they should have stripped him of his ability to be mayor and go to these events!! He can embarrass the city just as easily with these limited powers. He still has the power to leave a shit smear across Toronto, and there isn’t money in the new budget to buy enough toilet paper to clean that up!

– Somebody showed me an app today. Just to be clear, I don’t have apps. I don’t know why. I just don’t feel like getting them. I’m sure they’re free and easy. I’m free and easy most of the time, but I’m just not interested. The app that a co-worker was showing me today told you exactly what time a bus was going to arrive. Not by it’s scheduled time, but by the GPS it has installed. So fucking exact!! Then she had an app that would call a cab for you. These things are handy! It provided a moment for me where I thought ‘man…. humans are so close to being redundant, it’s not even funny… and we’ll be the last to know’. Which led me to almost write a blog about robots taking over the world. Then I realized that I already wrote that blog a few months ago. I should take the opportunity to post a link to it here. I don’t know how. I’m sure it’s free and easy.

– I’m gonna make pulled pork tomorrow while I stay home with my 1 year old son who’s sick for the 3rd out of the last 4 Thursdays. He always knows when I have a day off, and he gets sick every time. I’m kind of flattered to be honest. The vomitting, the fevers, the sniffles, the over all sickness….. all of that so he can stay home and chill with his old man on a Thursday. He must know that tomorrow is American Thanksgiving which is cool for Americans because they get the weekend off, but cool for me because I can watch football all day tomorrow instead of whatever nonsense daytime TV programming has to offer. I hope he feels better. He’s too cute to suffer. Can babies eat pulled pork?? How do you make pulled pork? Never mind, I’ll probably just make spaghetti

– I’m eating fish oil pills these days. I don’t know if it’s helping, but it is providing me with and opportunity to almost choke to death at least once a day. After I fight those babies down, I get a feeling of achievement that I can only imagine is like trying to swim across a lake. When you get to the other side, a lot of water has probably gone down the wrong way, and you probably feel a bit like crying, but YOU DID IT!


What Will He Say When He Finally Talks?

My son is 1 year old. How do you say that? That doesn’t sound right. My son is 1 years old. 1 is not plural, and I don’t think that’s right either. Now I finally understand why people use months until the kid is 2. My son is 13 months old. He’s starting to talk quite a bit. Not any language that you or I would understand. He’s developed his own dialect. I’m quite impressed with his commitment to it. As long as he seems convinced that he’s saying something meaningful, then I don’t really care if I can understand it or not. I guess there’s a shelf life for that sentiment, but at 13 months, I’m not sweating it. It’s pretty charming actually, and it got me thinking the other day that it might even be better than when he starts to talk for real. What could he possibly have to say? Then again, who knows? Maybe the thoughts going through is head are completely fascinating. Time will tell.

I did make a list of things that I’m pretty sure he’s tried to say to me already. I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait to give him this list, so he can give it a once over and let me know how accurate it is. It’s just that there have been a bunch of different occasions where I’m pretty sure I know what he was trying to say, even though he couldn’t find the right (English) words.

In no particular order, here’s my list of what I think he wanted to say………..

“Dad, I don’t want to wear a diaper today… be flexible man… I won’t poo man, don’t worry about it. I’ll give you warning if I’m gonna poo. C’mon man, be cool. Dammit!”

“This book has too many words, and not enough pictures….. I’d like you to read me this other book that has the pull-tab that makes the baby walk across the page…… I want to rip that baby’s head off.”

“I really want you to turn that ceiling fan on. Good. No, not that speed, the faster one. No, faster than that. No, slower. Now faster. Can you get that light to go on too? Perfect, now speed up the fan. Actually, slow the fan down and kill the light. Can you get it to go in between those speeds? I’m hungry.”

“Seriously, why have you put me in this high chair? Where’s the food? Why would you put me here if the food wasn’t ready? Seriously, how long for the food? Are you even working on it? What are you doing in there? Where’s my food? I’m really hungry. The thing is, I wasn’t even that hungry, but now that you’ve put me in the chair, I feel like I should be eating, but where’s the food? You’re sending me mixed messages, usually when I sit here there’s food. Where’s the food? Dad, honestly…. are you new? Mom does this faster. Oh my god! Is this a new thing where I sit here and don’t get food? Don’t pass me a toy, we’re way past that, where’s the food? Oh thank god, nom nom nom nom nom….”

“Good morning dad!! I can’t believe I just slept for 12 hours, it was awesome. I barely remember any of the high-pitched shrieking I did right before I went to bed. I totally slept that off, great sleep. Wait, where are you? Oh there you are…. you were hiding, but then you popped out!! Bwahahahaha… Hilarious, do it again! Hahahahahahahaha!! Oh that’s funny, wait…. I don’t see you….There you are! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaa…. You kill me man!”

“I really like this news channel dad. I love it when the stock ticker goes across the bottom. When’s this Rob Ford thing gonna go away? I’ve spent my entire life watching this stupidity unfold. This guy doesn’t know how to act. I could totally get away with acting like that, but I don’t! I’m 13 months old, and I know better. Dad, did you vote for this bozo? Seriously, did you? It’s okay to say you did. Did mom? Well somebody must have voted for him. Seriously, did you? I won’t laugh. OK, I believe you. I’m hungry.”


The New Solution For Everything

It’s time I shared some wisdom with all of you. I’m certain that you will all be astounded by the way I think outside of the box, and bring unique suggestions to the table. I aim to make the world a better place, and when this new thought dawned on me, I could have been selfish and kept this remarkable innovation to myself, but I’m not a selfish person. I want you to share with me. Let’s all get to the promised land together!

Before I blow your mind with intrigue and fascination, I wanted to give you a little bit of history on how I had this revelation. This past week my son celebrated his first birthday. This is my only child. So what that means for me is that I have celebrated one year of being a father. You can’t possibly go a whole year of fatherhood and learn nothing. I have learned plenty.

There are two major speaking points here. My son has taught me both of these things. The first will seem rather logical, and you’ll have no problem seeing the applications. The second is a little more of a scientific discovery, and I’ll have to help you with the applications so you can truly go on to live a better life.

1. If you smile at someone, they will usually smile back. If you are a really cute baby and you do it, you will see a higher percentage of returned smiles, but nevertheless, it’s a good tactic for anyone. I totally recommend it. I’ve caught myself doing it accidentally from time to time. I might be thinking of something funny, and I’m in a public place, and maybe I inadvertently smile at someone. I’ve been surprised at how often I got a returned smile. My son is just relentless. When we get into an elevator, and there’s a few people in there, he’ll make eye contact with each and every person until they all melt into a puddle on the floor (he’s that charming), and I can see the disappointment in his eyes when someone doesn’t look up at him. I know what you’re thinking….. Yes, he’s a devastatingly handsome baby, and we’re not all devastatingly handsome babies, BUT I don’t think that should stop you from smiling at people in the elevator. I’d even go as far as wagering that anybody who could start doing this for an entire year would report back to me with a much more fulfilling life. Just sayin’

2. The other thing I learned which is CRAZY, is the following. Baby snot is the most effective adhesive in the entire world. There is nothing baby snot won’t stick to, and there is almost nothing that can separate a good baby snot adhesion. So why aren’t we using baby snot more in industry? Are there not a bunch of babies with runny noses that we can use to build things with? Is there no way to harness the power of baby snot?

What if you ran out of sticky notes?? No problem…. I’ll just use a regular paper and baby snot. What if you can’t find a stud in the wall to hang that wedding picture up over the couch?? Baby snot to the rescue! What if you need to make a citizen’s arrest, and you don’t have any handcuffs, but you need to subdue a perp?? Not an issue, just baby snot his hands together, and it’s just as secure as cuffs.

Listen, we all want to do what’s right for the environment. Aren’t you tired of all these glue and tape factories ruining our children’s future by making all that….. glue… and ……tape?? Don’t you think it’s time we found an ALL-NATURAL product like baby snot? Just think of the percentage of babies that don’t have jobs in the current market. I don’t see baby unemployment coming down anytime soon unless we do something about it. I think we need a politician that’s going to fight for baby jobs. There is so much snot being manufactured every day by little day-care attendees who spread germs and lick every surface in sight. Why can’t we take this natural resource and use it for good? Instead of squandering it like we do with everything else.

Looking for more applications? Got a leaky boat? Baby snot the leak. Don’t want to watch something on TV? Baby snot your eyelids shut. See what I mean?? This is going to change the way you stick to things. I’m just glad I was able to share this with you. This is the beginning of the Baby Snot Revolution. Remember this moment always!


Bitching About Royals

I’m not saying I don’t like Royal Babies. I just prefer regular babies. See what I did there? I didn’t even capitalize regular babies. The difference in how they’re being treated has started already. I’m obviously part of the problem.

I come from a family that’s FASCINATED by the British Royal Family (see how I capitalize??? I swear I’m not doing this on purpose). I’m really not though. Some of the longest days of my life have been spent watching coverage of either Royal Weddings or Royal Tragedies. I always seem to be stuck somewhere remote when these things happen, and there’s only one TV, and I’m not in charge of it, but I’m super bored, because as a kid, I was not into all of the Pomp and Circumstance (I wanted so badly to use that phrase, but rarely get the opportunity…… when I’m not sure about a phrase/word and whether I should use it in a blog or not, I like to look it up in some internet dictionary just to make sure it means what I think it means….. in this case according to Dictionary.com it means ‘splendid celebration with ceremony and fuss’ which is almost a better phrase than Pomp and Circumstance….. in fact, I really think you need to re-read the sentence again and substitute, and let me know which one you like better…..I will be equally satisfied with both of your choices), and as an adult, not much has changed, and I just feel trapped and manipulated all day.

The thing I hate the most about these celebration/tragedies is the coverage. You can’t just watch it once and be done with it. It goes on and on and on like the OJ trial. Let’s show it again and again. Let’s break down every aspect through detailed analysis. This isn’t football!! I know you kids are like, ‘so what, watch something on your phone or laptop if you’re bored.’ THERE WERE NO PHONE AND LAPTOPS!!!!!! JUST BOREDOM!!! Now that I’m older, it doesn’t matter too much anymore because I can easily escape a situation where there is lots of Royal Coverage. I have a car, a bus pass, and 2 televisions, 2 computers and a cell phone. Damn, when I say it like that it sounds like I’m very well established. This might just be my ‘I HAVE ARRIVED’ moment!! My personal identity and how I define my freedom has now become deeply intertwined with my ability to dodge watching TV coverage of the British Royals.

I really don’t want to bitch too much about the Royals. To be perfectly honest, I have nothing against them. I only hear about them when they marry or breed or take pictures of their dicks. I really just wanted a) to have a blog topic which is getting harder every week, and b) to sit on my high horse and say some very judgemental things about the rest of you peasants.

1) Don’t be so fascinated by Royalty or famous people. They don’t care about you. This is a one way street. I’m sure everyone is interested to see the Royal Baby, but what about the Non-Royal babies? They need your attention too! Are the people in your life getting the ‘Royal Treatment’? If the world cared about each other the way they seem to care about what these people name their baby….. well you know the rest. The world wins!

2) When I refer to Royal Tragedy, you know which one I’m talking about. Princess Diana dies in a car accident because her and her new man were in a high-speed chase with Paparazzi. I remember thinking at the time that we were all to blame for supporting the gossip industry. I remember thinking ‘I’ll bet people will think twice before going out and buying another gossip magazine to see exclusive pictures of their favorite celebrities’………… Wrong again, as I always am when I give humanity the benefit of the doubt. Nothing changed, nothing solved, same old bullshit.

3) I really wanted to have a third thing, because 2 just isn’t worth listing off numerically. As you can see, I’m out of things to complain about. I will try to stretch this out a bit though, as I’m sure some bloggers are just skimming to the bottom anyways, so they can click the ‘like’ button and make me believe that they read the whole thing. Come on man….. we’ve all done it! Especially some of those long-winded ones. Those people will be blissfully unaware that I couldn’t come up with a third thing to finish my trifecta of Royalty Ramblings.

I hope the Royal Baby gets an appropriate name, and is happy and healthy, but more importantly I wish the same for all your Non-Royal Babies too!


Mom’s Choice

There are a few products around my home for babies. Anyone that’s had a baby in their home knows that there will be baby products around the home too. A lot of them. I often wonder about marketing as it pertains to babies and their preferences. My baby is almost 9 months old. He’s male, and like every other male in his family tree for as many generations back as I can intelligently vouch for, he’ll eat whatever you put in front of him. Maybe this isn’t the same for all babies. Sometimes my wife and I will be in an aisle of the grocery store, and she’ll wonder aloud ‘Which one do you think he’ll like better?’ I always find this funny because I have received zero feedback from my son regarding food, the entire time he’s been alive. He seems to like everything. That isn’t the commitment to an answer that my wife is looking for when she asks me a question. We’ve been together long enough that I know this, so my answer is very much influenced by how happy the baby looks in the picture. This goes for food, toys, furniture or any other baby related product. As far as I’m concerned, if the baby is happier on the cover of one product than they are on the other, then it’s a slam dunk as to what I’m going to decide is the right product for my baby. Marketers take note!! I’m quite certain that my son doesn’t give a shit as long as he’s comfortable. If he’s not comfortable, he might wiggle around a bit or possibly cry, but with so many outside factors at play, I’ll be damned if I can pinpoint whether it was the mango or the pineapple he didn’t like, or if he’s just tired, or he pooped. He has never told me what he thinks about his crib mattress (although I agonized over the decision), his outfits, the music we play or anything. The key to all purchases, and I’m yet to be proven wrong, is the perceived happiness of the actor baby on the packaging. It’s never steered me wrong (that I’m aware of).

I also find some of the branding interesting. The one I saw today (which prompted the blog, because God knows I don’t come up with ideas much before I actually start typing) was ‘Mom’s Choice’. Mom’s Choice is the obvious choice isn’t it? I would buy that. I mean after all, Mom sampled all of these products and narrowed it down. She did all the work for me, right? How does a company get to be ‘Mom’s Choice?’ Is there a rigorous selection process that all of these products go through? Is this a government regulated thing, or can anybody slap ‘Mom’s Choice’ on the label?

More importantly, whose Mom? My Mom? The baby’s Mom? Everyone has/had a Mom. Which one of them made the call on this? Was there a panel of expert moms that got together on this? A secret society of taste-making moms that run the baby food game? Is there a criteria for Moms that get to be on the ‘Mom’s Choice’ selection committee? Do they need to have more than one kid to qualify? Or are they teenage Moms (Who most recently were eating baby food themselves)? Or an even number of Moms from each age group to properly represent the spectrum of Moms. Are all the different ethnic cultures represented in this Mom group? Or does it depend on the ethnicity of the baby on the cover (What??? We all eat different shit as adults, does a baby’s cultural background not matter at ‘Mom’s Choice’?).

What if you started a company called Dad’s Choice? Why does nobody in the baby food industry care what Dad thinks. Dad probably eats more than Mom. He should be more of an expert. What if all those names were taken, could you just take another member of society and have them vouch for the taste of baby food?

Bartender’s Choice
Raquetball Coach’s Choice
Zookeeper’s Cousin’s Choice
Necktie Designer’s Choice
Zipline Technician’s Choice
Stamp Collector’s Choice
Librarian’s Choice
Assistant Manager Of The Meat Department At The Grocery Store’s Choice

These are all fresh ideas, but let’s face it. Mom knows best, although I don’t believe in the legitimacy of the representative amount of Moms, endorsing and quality checking ‘Mom’s Choice’ food, I do think it’s clever advertising. It found its way into my home so clearly, at least one of us fell for it.

I just want to go on record as saying that I don’t think there were any Moms involved in the choosing of ‘Mom’s Choice’. I also don’t think that being a Mom qualifies you to know the first thing about what baby food tastes like, or how it should taste. I’m no expert, but in my short stint as a parent I’ve learned that if your baby is hungry enough, they will eat anything, whether it’s ‘Mom’s Choice’ or ‘Macaroni Necklace Sales Representative’s Choice’, or their shoe.


Who’s That On Your Profile Pic?

I’m revisiting a rant from my pre-Wordpress days. I don’t know why it made me so many enemies at the time. Not real enemies I guess, but there were a lot of people with differing opinions about it, and that makes me happy because I do like to stir it up from time to time.

On a Facebook status update I once said that I hated it when people used pictures of their children as their profile pics. Last night at a bar, a friend fondly recalled this as me ‘hating when people post pictures of their kids on Facebook’. That is NOT EVEN THE SAME THING!

Facebook logo

I have this belief that a Facebook profile picture should be a picture of the person whose profile it is. Call me old-fashioned! This is the picture that I see when I’m trying to figure out who you are. This is the picture that I see when you leave a comment on my page. Sometimes when people have babies, they like to put a picture of the baby as their profile pic. I don’t like that! If your kid needs to be the profile pic, then maybe it’s time for them to have their own page.

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have pictures of your kids on Facebook. Post as many pics of your kids as you want!! In photo albums. I love seeing your beautiful families. Just not on the profile pic. That should be you. Can it be a pic with you with your kid? Sure…. but not your kid solo. It irritates me.

Maybe it’s because when I see a Facebook comment, I like to look at the person’s picture and imagine them saying that to me. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to picture a newborn baby delivering a social commentary about how the mayor of Toronto is a crackhead, or a 4-year-old posting a YouTube clip of a Led Zeppelin video. Take responsibility for your status updates, and stop hiding behind your kids. It’s like not looking me in the eye when you talk to me.

When I first presented this idea to people, I got a lot of that ‘When you have a kid, you’ll understand’ business. Well I do have a kid now, and as much as it pains me to say, he’s substantially better looking than I am. While I’m happy to share that with my Facebook friends, I do not do so in the form of a profile pic….. cuz it aint his profile!!!

I know what you’re thinking….. what kind of thing is this to care about?? How much extra emotional energy does this guy have to be irritated by something so unimportant and trivial? It may surprise you (but at the 457 character mark, it shouldn’t because I never wrap up this quickly) that this is actually part of a bigger philosophy I have about parenting. I lacked credibility before I had a kid, so people didn’t want to hear my opinion on this, but like all the other parents who think they’re so damn smart because they managed to create a human (and they didn’t even have to go to school for it), I now would like to present my advice on parenting. Please feel free to give feedback, or to ignore as you see fit.

I think that too many parents give too much of themselves to the endeavour of raising their kids. There seems to be a breed of super-parents who have no lives outside of their kids. I don’t mean to criticize this because in a way, it’s the most selfless thing you can do. I’m certainly not suggesting that you should have kids without the intention of going ‘all-in’ either…. that wouldn’t be right. Somewhere along the line though, the world has seen armies of interesting people get into the ‘human creation’ game, and come out the other side ‘not-too-interesting’. I can see how it happens too. This is an all-consuming undertaking, this parenting thing…. not for the weak-hearted!

Maybe there’s a way we can do this without totally losing our identity though…. maybe there’s a way we can ‘keep our own photo as our profile pic’ so to speak…..I know there’s not a lot of time to do things we want to do, and when we get that extra time, the first thing we think of is what else can we do for our children…. which is great! I’m sure they appreciate it.

The thing is that one day they’ll get older. One day, they’ll want to know about YOUR life. One day, they’ll want to know that YOU had hopes and dreams, and at least occasionally went after them. At the time that they reach a certain age and have their own family, they might want to know that YOU didn’t just shut it down and live through them exclusively, but that maybe YOU still had a few tricks up your sleeve, and maybe YOU were someone interesting who they could really look up to.

So all you super-parents out there, I’m sure your babies appreciate all you do for them, and this isn’t meant to be-little any of the sacrifices you make. It’s just to remind you that your babies want you to be happy, even if they don’t know it yet. They want you to still live your life (or at least as much of it as you have time for). Most importantly your babies want you to be a person of interest, not just their parent. They won’t be offended if you take back your identity…. they’ll respect you for it in the end (providing you don’t do a complete 180 and start becoming a crappy parent, that’s not what I’m trying to say). Take some of your life back if you can! Start with that profile pic. YOU ARE STILL A PERSON!

A message of inspiration from Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants 🙂


Orlando Babies

Orlando Babies would be a great rap name. So would Skilly Nelson, but that’s not what this blog is about.

I’m in Orlando with babies, and surrounded by babies. Like our pilot said when 60% of the people on the flight were lined up waiting to get their strollers and car seats…. “That’s Orlando for ya!!”

I have 3 things to comment on, all involving Orlando and babies in some way.

1. I was at Epcot Center today. For those yet to be enchanted by the magical perfection that is Walt Disney World, Epcot Center is one of their theme parks. I remember my first time going to Epcot Center when I was a kid, and it was an unforgettable experience as I believe all Disney Parks should be for all kids. Except locals I suppose. Perhaps it’s not such a big deal if you actually live in Orlando. I’m not ashamed to say it was pretty exciting to me as a kid. Today, as I walked around the park with my son for his first time, something struck me as kind of odd. Little kids seemed to be having meltdowns and freaking the fuck out on what I would consider an alarmingly regular basis. It would be fair to say that five minutes didn’t go by without some kid absolutely losing his/her shit at the park. I didn’t understand this. Kids…… This should be one of the greatest days of your young lives. Your parents probably brought you here at considerable expense. Most of the kids you know are playing around at home with their shitty toys, but YOU are at Walt Disney World, (dare I say) The Greatest Place on Earth (other than Las Vegas)!!! What in the hell is your problem?? What could possibly be causing you this level of distress?? Your parents flew you here, and this is the attitude you’re going to take towards today’s festivities??? If you want them to continue to take you places like this, you better cool out!! I don’t get these kids.

2. My brother and law and my niece walked into a short film that had some cast members from the movie ‘Lion King’. This was a big deal for my niece who is 2.5 yrs old, and is very familiar with The Lion King. I think Disney got us in there on some false pretenses however….. This wasn’t a sequel, or any kind of interesting follow-up. They had basically used the characters to do an environmental piece about how we’ve been ruining the world but ‘there’s still hope if we act now’. I felt manipulated, but I have to give credit where credit is due…… They have the undivided (maybe that’s not the right word) attention of the babies who are the world’s future, and instead of fluff, they’re teaching them to be environmentally conscious. Disney Guilt!!! Making the world a better place!

3. Out of respect for my son’s privacy I’ve decided not to say too much about him on this blog. Which is too bad. He’s quite a character. I could go on and on about him, but I’m trying to be original, and talking about your kids all the time is something that is done….. frequently…..which is cool, I mean we all love kids but…. I gotta go a different route……at least with this blog……you should know though that all I do at work is follow people around with my phone and make them look at pictures of my son……. They usually say he’s really handsome…… if they don’t then I say it…..life’s too short to be bashful….Having said all of that, here’s a quick story about my son.

He just turned 6 months old. We’re in Orlando like I mentioned, and the weather in Toronto has been shitty. We didn’t get a spring, it was just pissy all the time. I’m sure it’s nice there right now, since I’m not there….always happens. Anyways, I took him swimming for the first time the other day. 6 months old. I wondered if he would be scared, or happy, or annoyed, or surprised…..would he shit his pants???? So I took him down (he looked fucking adorable in his little swimming get-up, it’s just ridiculous…… see this is why I can’t write a parenting blog….because only in my mind would the words ‘fucking adorable’ come out, typed no less, so I could have fixed it and didn’t!!!) and walked slowly into the pool. The whole time I’m looking at his face for some type of reaction. I get nothing. Is the water too cold? Apparently not. Does he like being in the water? Who knows? This kid gave me a look that I can only describe as ‘disinterested’ for a full 30 minutes. I should mention that his face is normally pretty expressive, but he is hard to impress at the best of times. Swimming though?? How could you not have an opinion on that? We didn’t just stand there either. I was moving this kid around. I did everything short of submerging him at the top speed that still seemed reasonable. No reaction!!! Should I feel jipped as a parent? Isn’t this one of those parenting firsts that people always remember? I’ll always remember this, but not for the reasons I would have thought.