Monthly Archives: July 2012

Don’t worry….. I’m not going to blog about you!

To give you a bit of a background, I’ve had a small lack of inspiration happening this morning.  There’s usually the moment where I haven’t had coffee yet, and I can’t write, but then a few hours later there’s the moment where I’ve had too much coffee and I can’t write.  There is a finite opportunity for me to get this blog off, and if I piss around too much within that window, then the quality of my product decreases significantly.  Usually I wake up Monday morning knowing I need to blog to fulfill my commitment to myself (and now some faithful readers…. thank you).  I’m lucky if I already have a topic picked out, but usually if I don’t, I quickly come up with something.  They say writers should write even if they have nothing to write about, just to stay in the habit of doing it, plus it’s probably a good test of skill to pull off some half decent writing with no inspiration.  I want badly to write about ‘writer’s block’ but it’s so cliché.  I sometimes ask people for topics, but for whatever strange reason, I never want to write about things that people suggest I should write about.  Today I would like to write about the impact my writing has on my social life.  Yes….I’m going to blog about blogging!  It was only a matter of time.

I was just instant messaging with a friend.  We were catching up, and I hadn’t come up with a blog topic yet, so I asked him for one (knowing I probably wouldn’t use it).  He had just had us over for a get together on the weekend, and he suggested I write about house parties!  The ins & outs, expectations & pitfalls, dos & don’ts, the anecdotal booze rules……  That’s a pretty good topic.  He knows me well, and knows I could write passionately about the subject, because I love a good house party!  Herein lies the problem with that.  If I do this, people in my circle that have read my blog could become ‘house party self conscious’ if they choose to invite me.  Am I over reacting?  Possibly, but this past Saturday night I was at their house attending one of the better get-togethers I’d been to in some time.  They had renovated the backyard, they had one of those big tents to keep the bugs out so we could sit around outside.  The food was good, they had cool drinks, great music, guacamole, nice mix of our friends.  I had a great time.  Then when my buddy offered coffee to everyone, he mentioned that he didn’t have cream.  Two other people piped up and mentioned a previous blog that I had written about the importance of having cream for your coffee.  We all had a good laugh, but I felt a range of emotions.  1) Flattered that people are reading my blog and almost able to quote stuff from it.  2) Bad because something I wrote contributed to a moment where I was basically now judging them for not having cream in the house, even though I would never have said anything, and 3) Embarrassed, because publishing that blog months earlier was now the equivalent of getting up in the middle of a room and shouting “OH MY GOD, THESE GUYS DON’T HAVE CREAM FOR THEIR COFFEE”, which was such a small detail to an otherwise amazing night.  I don’t even think anyone was going to drink coffee!!!

It’s a very interesting dynamic.  I’ve started a blog which whether intentionally or not has become something of a ‘rant’ blog.  People tend to find me more entertaining when I’m angry or feisty (according to the site stats) which is actually rather inconvenient for me since I prefer just to be cool and laid back.  Upon reading some of my own stuff, I appear to be auditioning for a job with the ‘behaviour police’ and judging everyone I come across in the world which was really not my original intention.  It’s funny how lately, people I know will occasionally reference a situation, and say ‘I wonder if he’ll blog about that’, or ‘I hope he doesn’t blog about me’.

I’ve learned a great lesson about how words (even on a small-scale such as this) are forever once published.  Even though I’ve never mentioned any names, and have rarely made reference to anybody I know, I have been putting my opinions out there into the world.  I try to make them general rather than specific, but you may fit into a category of people who I’ve made fun of or spoken out against.  If it’s happened with people I know, I hope we’re still cool.  I’m legitimately worried that if I wrote a post about house parties and how I think they should be, that people would be nervous about inviting me to theirs, thinking I’d be making notes or filling out a report card.  I don’t want to put pressure on people like that.  I just want to have a cold beer.

In general though, I just want you to know that you don’t have to worry.  I’m not so desperate for blog topics that I would intentionally embarrass any of you.  I am not waiting for you to screw up in life so I can write about you.  I’ve seen enough random strangers doing a lifetime’s worth of idiotic things, that I can write about that until my hands fall off.  Just in case you were wondering…….Hope we can still hang out 🙂



Things a bird would rather do

I was on the golf course today.  I didn’t play well.  In fact, a better way to describe it would be to say that the course kicked my ass today!  During a bad round of golf you have lots of time to think.  If you’re on a nice golf course (which I was today courtesy of a friend who had won free foursome at a previous tournament he played in), you are bound to think once or twice about how beautiful nature can be (provided it’s not raining).

I saw a bird today just soaring in the wind.  I’ll call him a hawk because he was black with a huge wingspan, but to be honest I don’t differentiate birds well.  This hawk was cruisin’ man…..  he was just swayin’ in the breeze.  Not flapping his wings at all, just going whichever way the wind took him.  Just relaxing.  Just being free.  For about 10 minutes (like any normal person) I thought ‘wow man’……..imagine being that free.  Up in the sky without a care in the world just soaring.  Beautiful!  Then for the rest of the day I thought about this……

I’ll bet birds fuckin hate flying around all the time.  It seems great to us because we can’t do it.  I’ll bet a bird would give anything to walk as briskly as a human can walk or operate a motorized vehicle.  Or go inside when it’s raining.  All birds can do is fly around.  They eat worms.  I feel like they would absolutely love to sit at a table and enjoy a nice steak dinner with a bottle of Cabernet.  They build nests, but if they could purchase a 2000 square foot home pre-construction and have the thing built for them, I think they would.  They communicate with each other with their bird-calls, but do you know how hard it is to hear someone when the wind is blowing in your little bird ears and you’re flying around?  I’m sure they would love to own cell phones to talk or text.

It’s funny how we think our lives suck so badly, and we’re always so sure that the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes it would be nice to fly away from an awkward conversation.  Yes it would be amazing to shit on somebody’s car if you didn’t like them.  My favourite bird activity would be to sit on an electrical wire and say ‘haha fuckers…. you can’t do this!!!!’

Birds can fly which is pretty cool, granted.  Can they breakdance?  Can they tell jokes?  Can they go to the movies?  Can they write in Calligraphy?  Can they go out for ice cream?  (Trick question, they absolutely can, but they cannot purchase it… they must wait for it to be spilled.)  Can they play Twister?  Can they take a business class?  Can they wear basketball shoes?  Can they do laundry?  (No, but score a point for them) Can they use the internet?  Can they make smoothies?  The answer is no!

To tie this all together beautifully, I’d like to suggest that maybe being human isn’t so bad after all.  Particularly in the first world.  Is there a strong allure to making a lot of noise with no repercussion, and hanging out with your friends anywhere at anytime?  Yes they both interest me, but I think most of you would have to admit that being a bird, while cool for a few minutes, would generally be undesirable in comparison to being human.  That’s all I’m saying.  I know this isn’t a huge burning debate or anything, but I thought I’d weigh in.

On a sidenote, I can’t eat salmon without thinking I’m going to puncture my throat with little fish bones and choke to death.  However salmon is delicious so I brave through the anxiety.  Now you know something about me 🙂

That is all.

No please, really…. inconvenience me!!! Life really is all about you, I swear!

On the bus/streetcar/subway………

I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough on this bus to bring your take-out food, and eat a full-on meal here in front of me.  I think this is an important step in our relationship as complete strangers.  Ohhh the aroma, what is that??  Maybe you could give me the address of the place where you picked that up.  I’m so interested in your dining experience, I just wish there was something I could do to make you more comfortable.  Maybe I could stand, so you could put your food down.  Maybe I have napkins in my pocket.  I can’t believe this stupid bus doesn’t have a drink holder for you.  It’s so innovative of you to think of eating here, and providing a dual purpose for this vehicle which until you got here was only good for transportation.

I love the way you put your makeup on while riding the subway.  It’s amazing that I’m able to witness the entire transition on my commute to work in the morning.  It’s not just lipstick with you, is it?  You’ve got the whole case here.  This is going to be valuable for me to see you do this in a moving vehicle no less. I’ll cross my fingers while you do your eye makeup.  I hope you’re done before I get to work so I can see the finished product.  I know you’ll look like an absolute princess when you’re done and it means a lot to me that you allowed me to see the blank canvas first, and that now I know how it must feel to be inside of your bathroom.  No really…. Thank you!  I feel closer to you!

Dude, that seat on the bus that you’re on is really a 2-seater.  I mean it’s a love seat.  It only makes sense for you to sprawl out.  It’s important to me that you’re as relaxed and comfortable as possible.  There’s only an off chance that someone else would want to sit in the other seat, and besides…. you got here first!  You and your friend are chillin hard right now, so it’s only sensible that you re-create the conditions of your living room.  You should really talk louder too.  I don’t know if your buddy can hear you over the annoying rumbling of the train engine, and the other people on the train.  You should really sit as far apart from each other as possible, because you’re saying some really interesting deep stuff right now, and I think the rest of the train can benefit from hearing it.  Thank you for being open and generous with your thoughts.  You’re really making the rest of us feel welcome.

Oh and the guy with the iPod???  You are groovin up a storm.  The way you’re actually rapping some of the lyrics out loud is like entertainment for me.  You are mad talented, and I feel like Drake is right here on the subway train.  I might need an autograph after this.  How can I get that song on my iPod?  The way you’re doing a live rendition of it???  I should be so lucky to have live entertainment on my work commute.  I didn’t even have to pay for a ticket.  Man…. you’re dancing like nobody’s watching!!!!  That is philosophically in alignment with every bit of ‘life advice’ I’ve ever received.  I can only hope that some day I might have the courage to do the same.  You inspire me!!


11:24 Thoughts for your consideration

First of all let me say this.  I don’t think anybody that really knows me including myself thought that I would blog this many Mondays in a row.  I really thought after 4 or 5 weeks I’d start to slack.  I’ve done about 12 blogs (I say about, because I’m not going to switch pages to check the exact number….. it’s not about the number, it’s about the fact that I think the number is big), and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many people have read, and claimed to enjoy them.  I feel responsible to give you some water cooler talk worthy mind candy to suck on…..but it’s 11:24 pm.  I’m sleepy.  I played 18 holes of golf, and played in a basketball game later.  You must think I’m quite an athlete.  I’ll let you continue to think that.  I didn’t want to write just any old sloppy blog that only had one or two paragraphs.  I didn’t want to resort to pictures.  I just wanted to continue the streak so I could live to blog another day.

So here’s what I’ve decided.  I’ve gone through some of my Facebook status updates, as well as come up with a few new ones that seem worthy to give you my list of

10 THOUGHTS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION (in no particular order of importance)

1.  To be BI and POLAR would make you one interesting bear.

2.  I’d take vacation accrual over a cruel vacation.

3.  Why at the Pie Eating Contest in the movie ‘Stand By Me’ was EVERYBODY’s vomit purple, even if they hadn’t had any pie?

4.  Hipsters look like rejects from a WHAM! video audition…… just sayin’

5.  Until dogs stop sniffing crotch, asshole, and shitting on the ground, they should not be allowed to enter retail stores.

6.  I’m tired of what some athlete or entertainer said on their twitter page being reported on the fucking news.  That’s not news, it’s gossip.  Do your fucking jobs news-people.  You suck!

7.  Man…… It’s 11:47, there’s no way I’m coming up with 4 more of these in the next 13 minutes…..  C’mon man, you can do it…… just like high school.  OK…… I hate it when people make lists and then cop out at number 7 and just say a bunch of random shit, and try to pass it off as one of the 10 things he promised to blow your mind with.  It was supposed to be like Candy.

8.  I really think that the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches children that racism and prejudice is OK, as long as Christmas gets saved.  It’s appalling if you really listen.

9.  Mojito flavoured beer is ridiculous.  If you’re beer is so shitty that you need to make it taste like a mojito, then you’re on the wrong track.  Even dumber are the people that buy it.  If you’re in the mood for mojito, make a mojito, case closed.  There’s no logical explaination for mojito beer!!

10.  Ever notice that when David Letterman does his top 10 list, that the last one is never one of the better ones, and it ends up being anti climactic?

Mommy Porn

You guys know what this is about.  Especially the ladies.  I’ve watched your blushy little faces on the subway.  I’ve seen your giddy little conversations at Chapters as you convince a complete stranger to buy that book.  I’ve never been in a book club, but I’ll bet they’ve taken a swift upturn in spicy dialogue.

It’s 50 Shades of Grey!!  This isn’t a book review.  I haven’t read it.  I’ve heard a lot about it though, and read a few excerpts out of curiosity.  I won’t even make you wait until the end of this blog to tell you my opinion on it.  I think it’s great.  Not the writing necessarily, or the book itself.  I just think it’s great that women are able to enjoy some version of pornography within the safe confines of a ‘novel’.  You didn’t have to grab a magazine of the top rack, and do the walk of shame over to the counter.  Shameful enough when you’re just getting a Playboy that might have an article or two of interest, but god forbid you have a fetish of some sort, and have to sift around the magazine rack before you find the right one.  If you have the right technology like a Kindle or……(let’s face it, I know nothing of these devices, so I’m not about to list them off), then you don’t even have to go to a store.  You can actually just flick a button and make it disappear if you see someone creeping up behind you.  Like any sort of ‘bad influence’ I’m always kind of happy to see someone take a step or two closer to the dark side. (I should qualify that… It kind of depends how dark we’re talking about.  Not too dark.  It just makes me laugh when good people do bad things….. sometimes….. ughhh, what a terrible sidenote)

This is a win-win for a lot of people.  Women are spending more time thinking about sex, which is never a bad thing.  A lot of husbands are experiencing a heightened level of enthusiasm in the sack from their wives.  I’m sure the fetish stores are selling more whips and chains than ever before (which is a win for small business and the economy).  Pool boys are spending less time fussing with the chlorine levels, and more time……. well you know.

There is one thing though, that I’d like to see stop.  Now that you’ve read the book and your sexual horizons have been expanded, please don’t give yourself too much credit.  When little groups of women congregating at a house party when all the men are watching a game or drinking and playing cards, and one of them walks by to use the bathroom and you all stop what you’re whispering about and start giggling…..’you’re bad’…’no you’re bad’……. ‘ oh I’m sorry honey… oh if he only knew what we were talking about…’  Don’t!  He KNOWS what you were talking about.  All men discover porn by the age of 12.  TWELVE!!!!!!  By 18 we have forgotten more about porn than you will ever know.  You’re not bad…. you’re not special…. you read a novel with an above average amount of sexual content.  Kudos to you for that, but we haven’t had a group discussion about a book that had sex in it since we were teenagers, because we’ve been trying to access every medium that deals with sex for decades.  We’re past the giggling stage.  We’ve researched this like scientists trying to find a cure for a disease.  It has consumed us for centuries.  That look on our face is not one of innocence, it’s one of ‘wow…. I can’t believe they are just finding out about this’.

I’m not trying to make this a battle of the sexes or anything, but ladies….. Don’t ever think for a moment that you could ever challenge us for the crown as the most perverted of the two sexes.  If you think you’re blushing after reading those books, climb into our heads for 10 minutes and then come back out and tell me how crazy you think that book is.  If a guy wrote that book, he’d take the plot right out of it, and you’d only be left with the sex scenes.

Having said all that, I support the narrowing of the pervert gap that has taken place.  I don’t know if it’s an important piece of the gender equality movement or not, but it can’t hurt.  Enjoy!!!