Tag Archives: Flying

Things a bird would rather do

I was on the golf course today.  I didn’t play well.  In fact, a better way to describe it would be to say that the course kicked my ass today!  During a bad round of golf you have lots of time to think.  If you’re on a nice golf course (which I was today courtesy of a friend who had won free foursome at a previous tournament he played in), you are bound to think once or twice about how beautiful nature can be (provided it’s not raining).

I saw a bird today just soaring in the wind.  I’ll call him a hawk because he was black with a huge wingspan, but to be honest I don’t differentiate birds well.  This hawk was cruisin’ man…..  he was just swayin’ in the breeze.  Not flapping his wings at all, just going whichever way the wind took him.  Just relaxing.  Just being free.  For about 10 minutes (like any normal person) I thought ‘wow man’……..imagine being that free.  Up in the sky without a care in the world just soaring.  Beautiful!  Then for the rest of the day I thought about this……

I’ll bet birds fuckin hate flying around all the time.  It seems great to us because we can’t do it.  I’ll bet a bird would give anything to walk as briskly as a human can walk or operate a motorized vehicle.  Or go inside when it’s raining.  All birds can do is fly around.  They eat worms.  I feel like they would absolutely love to sit at a table and enjoy a nice steak dinner with a bottle of Cabernet.  They build nests, but if they could purchase a 2000 square foot home pre-construction and have the thing built for them, I think they would.  They communicate with each other with their bird-calls, but do you know how hard it is to hear someone when the wind is blowing in your little bird ears and you’re flying around?  I’m sure they would love to own cell phones to talk or text.

It’s funny how we think our lives suck so badly, and we’re always so sure that the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes it would be nice to fly away from an awkward conversation.  Yes it would be amazing to shit on somebody’s car if you didn’t like them.  My favourite bird activity would be to sit on an electrical wire and say ‘haha fuckers…. you can’t do this!!!!’

Birds can fly which is pretty cool, granted.  Can they breakdance?  Can they tell jokes?  Can they go to the movies?  Can they write in Calligraphy?  Can they go out for ice cream?  (Trick question, they absolutely can, but they cannot purchase it… they must wait for it to be spilled.)  Can they play Twister?  Can they take a business class?  Can they wear basketball shoes?  Can they do laundry?  (No, but score a point for them) Can they use the internet?  Can they make smoothies?  The answer is no!

To tie this all together beautifully, I’d like to suggest that maybe being human isn’t so bad after all.  Particularly in the first world.  Is there a strong allure to making a lot of noise with no repercussion, and hanging out with your friends anywhere at anytime?  Yes they both interest me, but I think most of you would have to admit that being a bird, while cool for a few minutes, would generally be undesirable in comparison to being human.  That’s all I’m saying.  I know this isn’t a huge burning debate or anything, but I thought I’d weigh in.

On a sidenote, I can’t eat salmon without thinking I’m going to puncture my throat with little fish bones and choke to death.  However salmon is delicious so I brave through the anxiety.  Now you know something about me 🙂

That is all.