Monthly Archives: November 2012

The Comb Over

Here’s the thing.  I don’t feel bad for guys that are losing their hair.  There are many worse things that can happen to you in life.  If you know you’re losing your hair, you can go to a more trim hairstyle.  It can be a great look for bald or balding gentlemen.  Keep it trim, and you’ll look sharp.  I’ve seen guys pull it off far too often for me to feel bad for anyone that has to do it.  Don’t be a baby, you’re not Robert Plant.

It’s nature people!  Don’t fight it.  Let it happen gracefully, and become one of the sexy bald men out there.  There are lots.  80% of women over 35 couldn’t care less about your hair as long as you don’t look like an idiot.  I didn’t get that number from a poll.  I made it up.  Still, I’m pretty sure it’s accurate.

Here’s the thing.  A lot of men’s confidence is tied to their abundance of hair.  They lose their hair, they lose their confidence.  It’s sad, but often true.  It’s so misguided as well.  Most guys over 35 have started to at least thin out a bit.  If you dress well, smell good, have an updated wardrobe with clothes that compliment you, and keep your hair really short or bald, there’s no reason to think women won’t like you.  No reason to lose your confidence.  It’s the grooming that attracts women, not the hair.  No woman wants to be with some slob that has long flowing locks of beautiful hair, but looks sloppy from the scalp down.  They want the overall package.

So why do I still see men with comb overs?  I’ve seen some epic comb overs in my day.  What would ever inspire a balding man to grow an extra long piece of hair from the side or back of his head, so he could comb it over the bald part and try to make society believe that he isn’t losing his hair?  I could understand in the 70s and 80s, but every decade since the 90s have been dominated by men with short hair, so why not trim up and ride the wave.  Don’t pretend you don’t know how idiotic it looks either!  Men have been fooling themselves into believing a comb over will solve their problems as long as vanity has been a thing.  Every kid that sees a comb over, makes fun of it, and this has been going on for decades.  Any guy with a comb over now, was a kid making fun of comb overs then, so if you knew how dumb it was then, what makes you think it isn’t dumb now?  It’s actually dumber because you should friggin know better.  Nobody’s stupid enough to not know how idiotic a comb over looks, so I can’t feel sorry for anybody regarding this.

The craziest part is the denial.  When you walk down the street on a windy day you see a great gust of wind swirl up and knock a comb over on its edge, and the poor man who owns it has to drop his groceries to hold it down before anybody sees.  Man, it doesn’t matter if anybody sees……We all know your bald, the only one that doesn’t seem to know is you!  Liberate yourself man!  Go to the barber, and tell him to get those #1 clippers out.  It won’t take your confidence away.  You’ll have more confidence because you faced your fears and took on the world without a helmet.

On a side note, I wanted to mention that ‘The Comb Over” was supposed to be a play on “The Hangover” which I saw on TV again the other night.  Making me long for Las Vegas….. and instead of ‘Zach Galifinakis with a baby strapped to his chest’ tee shirts, there would be comb over tee shirts.  I thought I’d be able to come up with a concept that would allow me to work ‘The Hangover’ theme into ‘The Comb Over’ in some clever way, but goddamnit, I’m just not a good enough writer.  So it stays here in the last paragraph (not because it’s part of the conclusion…. the conclusion was in the second last paragraph….. this last paragraph is just like an ill-conceived way of trying to add an extra idea that doesn’t fit into what I’m doing….. Oh my god I’m rambling… I still inside the parentheses?  I need to stop this right here, it’s horrible).  The End

Is Knitting Cool Now?

Anytime I see something out of the ordinary 4 different times in the same day, I have to assume that it is the ‘next cool thing’.  I don’t receive whatever memo gets sent around, and I’m not on the same wave-length as whatever pop-star, or reality show actor (did I just say actor?) is setting the trends these days.  As a result I’m often late to the party.  I’m just a stand-by passenger on the ‘cool plane’.  The last to board assuming I even get a seat.  I do ride the subway system though, so if I seem to have my finger on the pulse of urban trends, it’s because if I can stay awake long enough, it will smack me in the face.  What smacked me in the face this past week was young people knitting…..EVERYWHERE!  Guys too!  I mean girls get a pass on this, but young guys knitting?  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I compromised with subtle indifference, followed by a Monday blog.

As a proud owner of several Hawaiian shirts for a 3 month stretch in 2001, I would like to state that knitting being an ‘in thing’ kind of took me by surprise.  I mean, you see old people knitting all the time, but they’re from a different time, and that’s something that people did back in the day.  If you needed some socks, and there wasn’t money, or a store nearby, you knitted a pair.  Done!  If you got good at it, maybe you made a sweater for Johnny’s birthday, or a toque for baby Felicia.  There were lots of acceptable reasons to knit back in the day, and when I see old people still doing it, it’s just part of their charm, like sending handwritten letters in the mail.  When I see young people doing it in thriving urban locations????  I just don’t buy it.

Is this some sort of strange and wonderful renaissance where people have discarded their ‘does everything but scratch my nuts’ mobile devices in exchange for the simple pleasures of an old school hobby?  Or is this just some weird extension of hipsterism that I don’t get (not that I got any of it before this)?  I think it’s a fabulous thing for the universe, that something like this could actually be ‘coming back’.  It’s skillful, crafty, and all of the things that this generation doesn’t seem to be.  That’s why I’m having trouble believing that this became cool for the right reasons like it’s practical and creative.  I believe that a hot teen vampire must have done it in a movie.  That’s the only possible explanation.  Am I right?

Whatever the case may be, I saw this 4 times in the same day.  Is it the next big thing?  Maybe.  Is it just some crazy randomness?  Possibly.  If you want to be on the cutting edge of cool, best to not follow my predictions.  I’m full of all sorts of wonderful information, but don’t hitch your wagon to what I think is the next big thing.  Also, if I can give any advice, don’t buy into a fad too early.  It’s always awesome to say that you were doing ‘whatever’ before everyone else, but if not everyone else ends up doing it, and ‘whatever’ was knitting on the subway???  It might not look as cool as you think.

My favourite example was in Chinatown on the bus.  There was a young guy talking to these 3 Chinese chicks (he was white).  He had just the right amount of calculated deshevelment to his appearance to pull off that ‘I’m interesting, but not a bum look’.  He was charming these girls, and they were eating it up.  I could tell that they had just met (they might have been from out-of-town though, and giving him that ‘happy tourist’ flirting), but I was sure he was saying/doing all the right things (based on no audio, but just visual cues as I was listening to my Ipod instead of him).  Then in a move that I’m sure he thought was going to put him over the top, he pulled out the knitting he was working on.  They started to giggle, I’m sure he thought in a ‘wow this guy is sooo interesting’ way, but to those of us who’d been around the block a few times it was more of a ‘wow this guy is fuckin weird’ way.

The moral of that story is that even if knitting is the next big thing, if you’re a young guy, you have to make sure that everyone is fully aware of how cool knitting is before you make a play like that.  It’s like holding an ace which can be the best card in the deck depending on the rules of the game you’re playing, but it can also be a one.  My Chinatown guy left the bus without any phone numbers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the knitting that cost him.  It was a ballsy, cutting edge move, but not a universally cool one.  Maybe in 6 months after this thing takes off a bit better he would have reaped the plentiful rewards that ‘knitting for cool’ had to offer.  Not yet.  He’s a trailblazer though.  I know that for sure!  Someday he’ll be able to wear his ‘scarf of Chinatown rejection’ like a hipster badge of honour!  I salute him!

Blog Ideas for the Idea-Less

Google is always perfect for sort of almost giving you what you might need in some situations.  Consistently!  All I need today is a proper idea for a blog topic.  I’ve promised not to do a parenting blog, but have done nothing in the past week other than work and parenting, eating and sleeping.  I don’t blog about work as I like to keep that separate.  Oh the blogs I could write about eating and sleeping……. but perhaps not as interesting for everyone else.

So here I was, stuck with no topic, and not really even able to think of one at the last-minute like usual.  So I enlisted the help of the Google search engine, hoping I could find a good Blog Topic.  One link suggested all these different formats like ‘instructional’, ‘inspirational’, and ‘lists’.  Dude!!!  That’s not an idea.  That’s a format!  If I want to write an inspirational blog, I still need to be inspired.  You’ve solved nothing.  Next link…..There were ideas like ‘behavioural disorders’, ‘How to train for a triathlon’, ‘interior design’.  These I’ll admit, are better ideas, but I don’t know about these things.  You need to be an expert to write blogs like that.  I’m not an expert on anything.

I want ideas…. you know…. short-term fixes!!  Something where I can say, ‘oh yeah, I’ll just write about that’.  No research.  No homework.  Just fresh blog post ideas!

Like the following……..

– ‘The Time Jimmy the Martian Stubbed His Toe on the Bike Rack’

– ‘Why Celery has Destroyed the Middle Class’

– ‘How to Avoid Paper Cuts at Your New Job in the Photo Copy Room While Moonlighting Part Time at the Bookstore’

– ‘Reasons Why None of Madonna’s Ex Husbands Will be the Next U.S. President’

– ‘Why I Refuse to Believe that Hot Latinas Hang Out At the YMCA, Contrary to the Information on the Bus Posters’

– ‘Celebrating mediocrity With Gusto’ or…… ‘Celebrating Gusto with mediocrity’

– ‘Sesame Street – The Pre-Elmo Years’

– ‘Crocodile Tears vs. Crocodile Boots’

– ‘Plantar Fasciitis… the Next Plague’

– ‘Cereal Killers on the Loose’

– ‘Surreal Killers on the Loose’

– ‘Serial Killers, Captured and Locked Up’

– ‘How Does Santa Have Time to Visit So Many Friggin Malls?’

– ‘Not Having a Blog Idea is a Great Idea’

– ‘What the Fuck is up With Cottage Cheese???  Aint No Cheese Like That at Any Cottage I’ve Ever Been To’

– ‘Hot Yoga Mats and Why You Should Stop Acting Like One’

– ‘More Baking and Less Blogging – A Baking Blogger’s Family Plea’

– ‘The Rise and Fall of the Bobblehead’

– ‘How Lamar Odom Married a Kardashian and Almost Instantly Became the Shittiest Basketball Player on the Planet’

– ‘My Philanthropy, and Why it Would be the Perfect Name for a White Wine’

– ‘List Blogs, and How You Should Probably End Them Before The Ideas get Really Bad’


To any bloggers reading this.  If you think any of these ideas aren’t completely terrible, you’re welcome to them.





Parenting Blog??? I Think I’ll Pass

I’m a new dad.  Exciting times!  Not as much time to blog.  Not as many topics to blog about.  I mean there is one new topic that I could probably write about.  It would be easy.  This could be a forum to document every moment of a new life.  Then when he grows up I could go back and read all my own posts and have weepy nostalgic times over a beer or two.

Here’s the thing though….. This is thoughts and rants in jogging pants.  While I don’t have time to sit around in my jogging pants anymore, I think I owe it to my loyal fan base whose numbers sit comfortably in double digits, to not turn this into a parenting blog.  In my time on WordPress, I would have to say that at least 30% of the blogs I’ve read involved people talking about their kids.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Some of my favourite bloggers do this, and I love hearing about it.  I would say however, that this site is saturated with these types of posts, and not quite as full of scathing social commentary.  I think I owe it to my non-paying public to keep on keepin on with the stuff I was doing before.

The other thing that weighs into this decision is that I respect the privacy of my newborn.  Oh the tales I could already tell about shits he’s taken, or times he was upset with us.  I don’t think it would be fair to him though.  He might not want everyone knowing about his business, and when I approached him about it, he completely ignored the topic, and was totally evasive.  I understand though.  He doesn’t want to disappoint his old man by saying no, but if he says yes, who knows what embarrassing little stories about pissing on his sock I’ll tell the general public.  Anyways, I let him off the hook.  15 days is too young to have to make a complicated decision like that, especially when you may not understand the consequences of your actions.  So I’m leaving him out of this for now.  Sorry baby nuts!!!  (By baby nuts I mean people who are crazy about babies, not……well you know)

Here are some opinions I have about some baby related stuff though…… Since we’re here

– There is NOTHING to be gained from arriving at the pediatrician’s office early, other than disease from a bunch of other snotty nosed kids in the waiting room.  Far better to wait until the last second to arrive.  Even if you’re early, wait in the car.

– Stylized naked pictures of you and your baby are not art.  They’re weird, and your baby will set fire to them as soon as he/she is old enough.  What were you thinking?

– The happier the baby looks in an advertisement, the more likely I am to buy the product.  Can you imagine how stressful it must be to be in charge of capturing those images?

– I’m really not looking forward to letting my kid watch ‘children’s television’ on the same TV that I’m supposed to be watching sports on, but I really want to find out what kind of show Toopy and Binoo is.  I just like how it sounds when I say it.  Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo……. I can do this for hours.

– When you’re in a store with your 2-year-old, be mindful of the fact that they probably don’t really want to shop at this store the same way you do, so don’t get lulled into the whole ‘I can shop with my 2 year old’ falseness.  They will run around the store pulling things off the shelves, while you’re debating a cookware purchase.  I often fantasize about slapping the shit out of these parents.  If you ever see a silly little grin creep over my face, that’s the look of satisfaction.

I’m sure there’s more.  I’m too sleepy to continue.