Monthly Archives: April 2012

Hot Tub Time Share Machine

Hey all……

I’m on Vacation in Orlando!¬† Yay for me ūüôā¬† I didn’t know if I’d get a chance to write a blog or not, since there is sun to¬†be lying in, pools to be swimming in, and theme parks to be gauged at (financially of course).¬† Luckily (for me) we are staying at a time share resort, and if you are familiar with those arrangements, you’ll have probably already sat through one of their sales pitches (information sessions as they like to call it).¬† I didn’t think that I’d be able to get a blog in this week (breaking a 2 week streak of successfully doing so), but due to the heroic efforts of my wife, and in-laws (who are sitting through a presentation as we speak), I was able to get an hour of free time with the lap top.¬† So if you end up taking a liking to my musings of the day, please take some time to think about the sacrifices that were made by others to make this happen as well as ensure that we secured a reasonable¬†rental rate for inflatable tubes for the duration of our stay.

As you read more of my blogs and¬†some of my crusty disposition¬†comes out a little more, you might be surprised to know that I am a sucker for theme parks, and particularly susceptible to the charms of Disney.¬† I would go as far as saying it’s ‘magical’ (a word I’ve used to describe BBQ, and bowel movements…… but only the very best ones).¬† As a guy who’s afraid of heights, I enjoy the slow-moving¬†detailed approach to Disney.¬† It’s not a bunch of big, fast, high rollercoasters.¬† It’s little carts slowly moving through a lazy river of meticulous detail, from the way the characters mouths move in sync with the music, to the mist they spray on the back of your neck to make a fake jungle seem like a real jungle.¬† It’s parades in the street with dancing Goofies¬†and fireworks and candy apples.¬† It’s photo ops with stuffed animals, balloons, and happiness.¬† IF THEY COULD TAKE HAPPINESS AND SHOOT IT INTO YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE VEINS, only then could you possibly, maybe understand a bit of what Disney is all about……….I just read this¬†back to myself…..what a loser!¬† Anyways, it’s fun and I’m looking forward to that tomorrow.¬† Today is all about the inflatable tubes.¬† Swimming will never be the same.

On another note, if you’ve been following this blog since it’s inception (2 weeks ago), maybe you noticed that I changed the layout.¬† I’m not really good at this stuff so I took one of the pre-selected¬†options.¬† I think this one is called ‘Elegant Grunge’.¬† That sounds so cool.¬† I don’t know what the other one was called, but if I was commissioned to make a name for it,¬†I would call it “Kid eats way too much fucking cotton candy, washes down with cream soda and projectile vomits”.

My Mom’s birthday is tomorrow…. Happy Birthday Mom!!


Who gets to use HOV Lanes??

I wait in lines.

For groceries, the bank, the bus….. you name it, I wait.¬† Patiently.¬† I don’t try to sneak in front of anyone, or manipulate the line in any way.¬† When my turn comes, it comes.¬† I give dirty looks to those that try to interrupt the natural progression of the line for their own gain or convenience.¬† I get the urge to¬†hit people who don’t ‘fall in’.¬† To this point I’ve always fought that urge successfully, I just quietly stew.¬† The line is one of the only perfect things in our society.¬† First come, first serve.¬† In an unfair life, a well executed line is fair.¬† Getting in line is always a choice.¬† If the line is too long, you usually have the option to not get in.¬† Don’t¬†mistake me for someone who likes to wait, because I’m in as much of a hurry as anybody.¬† I respect the line though.

One day I’m on the highway with a friend of mine.¬† He’s driving.¬† He looks over at me and says “Finally, I get to use the HOV Lane”, and steers the car into the far left lane.¬† He starts shooting past the other traffic with enthusiastic efficiency.

I had seen these new lanes popping up around on the highways, but didn’t really know what they were there for, or who was able to use them.¬† Upon further research I found out who was able to use them.¬† Everybody but me!

This goes against the system we had before which was an imperfect version of the ‘line’ system.¬† It operates exactly like a line, except there are a lot of cases where there are multiple lanes.¬† We tried to adapt.¬† Faster traffic to the left, slower to the right.¬† The system is perfect, but humans usually find a way to screw it up.¬† I can live with this.¬† What I don’t like is the fact that the government has invented the equivalent of a night club V.I.P. entrance on their roads.¬† While¬†some poor suckers have to line up,¬†the big-shots¬†get to by-pass the line and get in quicker.

Who gets in?¬† Vehicles with 2 or more people, emergency vehicles, busses, limos, taxis….. Everybody but me!

This means anybody not travelling alone including¬†circus clowns, dodgeball teams, wookies, mad scientists, serial¬†killers, aliens, clarinet players, 16 year olds, trekkies, mortgage brokers, opium farmers, superhero alter-egos…… Everybody but me!!

I’m already driving alone in the car with nobody to keep me company, and drivers that are accompanied by companions get to bypass the traffic?¬† They don’t get as bored if they’re stuck in traffic!!¬† Allow me to continue though.¬† Ninjas, vegans, rock stars, brain surgeons, zombies, gangsters, pool boys, mascots….Everybody but me!!

The line was the perfect system.¬† If there were problems with traffic, it was due to bad drivers,¬†inclement¬†weather, and construction.¬† It was never the line system.¬† This¬†new arrangement will¬†be considered acceptable though, if you are 2 or more of the following.¬† Computer geeks, stamp collectors, astronauts, monkeys that look like humans, bakers, personal assistants, wedding parties, steroid users, porn stars, tourists, celery eaters, murder detectives……

Everybody but me.


Hello world!!!

Welcome to ‘Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants’!!¬† I have so much explaining to do.¬† To express my excitement, I’ve already used 5 exclamation marks.¬† I thought the best way to explain why I’m here, and what I’m doing would be to go through the 5 W’s of this process, but then I decided that I didn’t have the attention span for that, so here are some random bits of information designed to make this the most concise, informative blintrog ever!!

I’m a creative guy who has lots of opinions.¬† I frequently update Facebook or some other social media outlet with my ‘thoughts and rants’ (actually it’s really just Facebook right now), but I’m far too verbose for their character restrictions.¬† I can’t summarize what’s in my mind into a couple of neat little sentences.¬† I ramble.¬† Most¬†people see my status updates and do the right thing, which is ignore them.¬† Yet there always seem to be a few people that either¬†like encouraging bad behaviour, or genuinely enjoy hearing what I have to say about the world and/or public transportation.¬† Based on some positive feedback I’ve taken the next step as a writer, which is to write blogs. (BTW, that may not in fact be one’s next step as a writer, it just happens to be mine.)

A writer???¬† Really???¬† Maybe, who knows.¬† It’s been on my bucket list to write a book.¬† I haven’t gotten any sort of education to that end or even practiced my craft, so that I’d be good at it when the time came.¬† I haven’t even done anything to become famous so if I did write a book,¬†people would¬†would buy it.¬† Those are just details though.¬† I’m the type of person that has¬†always dreamed of¬†parlaying minimal effort into money success and adoration.¬† I might be wrong for that, but a guy can dream.¬† What better time in our world’s history than now to make such a dream come true?¬† Youtube manufactures anonymous superstars everyday.¬† Can be far behind?

Here I go again!¬† Another half assed attempt at a new career.¬† I will try write a blog every Monday morning before I even change out of my jogging pants (which is what I wear to bed…. sexy I know).¬† Some weeks I will give you thoughts, and other weeks it will be rants.¬† You will know how much coffee I’ve had by the cohesiveness of my words.¬† I apologize if I’m not still doing this 2 months from now.¬† I tend to distract easily, and if the wind blows in an intriguing new direction I’ve been known to wander over there.

I hope you enjoyed my Blintrog!!¬† What’s a Blintrog?¬† It’s an intro blog, dummies!!!¬† Call Websters, I want credit for that (but not badly enough to call them myself).