Monthly Archives: March 2013

March 25, 2013

Vegan Or Vegas? I’ve Made My Choice!!

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

If you take the word Vegan and replace the n with an s, you are left with the word Vegas. I fully support all Vegans in their endeavors (to do whatever it is they do….be healthy….not kill animals etc), and in no way is this blog meant to poke fun at them. That being said, I love meat, and I love Las Vegas! Some times when I hear the word Vegan in a sentence, it kind of bums me out because it’s food related, but there’s no meat involved. Then when I replace the n with an s, it brightens up my day.

I’m strongly considering writing a Vegas travel blog. I spend enough time trying to convince people to go to Vegas, and I don’t get paid for it. This blog (if I do it) will be a social/finance experiment to see if by writing enough positive reviews, and helping Vegas tourism, I’ll be able to get my Vegas trips paid for. Stay tuned!

I wanted to find the word Vegan used in sentences. Since none of the sentences coming out of my mouth ever have the word Vegan in them, I had to consult other sources. When I googled the word Vegan, I saw a website called http://www.vegan.com. I assume if they’ve been around long enough to secure that URL, then they must have some good Vegan content.

On this site I saw a list of cookbooks, and converted the names to suit my own needs. 8 of the top 10 titles had the word Vegan in them.

Would you buy THESE cookbooks????

99 cent Vegas Guide
Betty Goes (to) Vegas
Quick Fix Vegas
Vegas Cooking for Carnivores
Vegas for Life
The 30-Minute(s in) Vegas
Vegas on the Cheap
Vegas Sandwiches Save the Day

The website’s main page has a headline that says ‘Vegas Living Is Easy and Delicious’

After 308 words I’m starting to feel guilty about poking fun at the Vegans. Especially since I referenced somebody’s website without permission, and bastardized some of the content, and will probably tag this post with the word Vegan. So let me balance it out a bit.

I appreciate Vegans because they are more of a ‘Knowledge is Power’ crowd than ‘Ignorance is Bliss’. They see something morally wrong with eating meat or animal products, or perhaps are convinced of certain health benefits that accompany that lifestyle. It’s very honorable in a lot of ways. Everybody probably knows that animals are generally not treated well, but people like myself try not to think about it because the greasy satisfying deliciousness that is meat has got a hold on my desires. I’m uncomfortable dealing with the guilt associated with my choices. So whenever I talk to a Vegan I usually (jokingly) trivialize their lifestyle and talk about bacon, but the truth is I admire their strength and conviction. So I encourage all of the Vegans (aspiring and otherwise) reading this post to go to http://www.vegan.com and to re-read my post and put the ‘n’ back in Vegan.

As for the rest of you…… I encourage you to book a trip to Las Vegas. Keep a watch out for my new Vegas blog, which now that I’m officially announcing, I guess I’ll have to go through with it. This is how I trick myself into doing stuff. By announcing my intentions to the world, so I get shamed into productivity. Oh if only there was an easier way. (For those fans of thoughts and rants in jogging pants, fear not! I will not do a Vegas blog to the exclusion of this, I will do in addition.)

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go wash baby shit off a sleeper.

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

March 18, 2013

Clubbing Dynamics

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Everybody thinks that the shit they did when they were growing up was better than the shit that the next generation did when they were growing up. Then they become completely appalled by the shit that the following generation does when they’re growing up. Then they just completely check out, and avoid thinking about what young people do, period.

In life, I am probably fast approaching (who am I kidding, I’ve been there for a while) the third sentence of that opening paragraph. It’s never more evident to me than when I make the mistake of going ‘clubbing’. Oh how I used to love to go clubbing!! This isn’t for everyone, but it was definitely for me. As a lover of friends, music, women and alcohol, (and not always in that order) a good nightclub had everything I needed for an amazing time. I wear these memories of crazy antics and shenanigans on my heart like a badge of honour. I wouldn’t trade them for anything.

Sadly, clubbing has (or should have) a shelf life with most people. For some it’s very short. For others, it’s about 5 years longer than it really should have been. As fun and wild as it can be if you’re in the ‘right place’ for it….. it can also be a bit sad and bitter if you’re not in a good place. I’ve done it both ways. My clubbing career (never got paid for it, just trying to turn it into a sports analogy……overexplaining again) lasted longer than it does for most people. By the end I’d like to think that I’d accomplished all that I needed to out on the dance floor, and outside of the occasional ‘comeback’ for a birthday party or something, I’m done. The truth is I’m a happily married father now, and regular clubbing is just way more fun when you’re single.

That said, I went out dancing on Saturday night for the first time in almost a year. The place that we went to was a fairly upscale lounge type of club. It might have been a touch swankier than I typically enjoy, but I was dressed for it, and didn’t feel out-of-place, so I guess it was alright in that regard. (I certainly don’t like it when it’s too casual either…. we’re clubbing for god’s sake, not cleaning out the garage). What I noticed (and it’s not the first time I’ve noticed it) is that the game has changed for the worse. Most of the nightclubs around here have bottle service, which I’m not so opposed to since there’s always been some form of VIP treatment for those that feel they need it (like a separate section of the club, or a separate lineup to get in), but it’s taken over the whole club now. It’s ridiculous.

For those that don’t know what bottle service is, I’ll explain. If you have any sense, you’ll laugh your ass off. Bottle service is a VIP service in a night club where you get something (usually a couch) to sit on, and you pre-pay (out the nose) for a bunch of bottles of alcohol to sit on a table in front of your couch, so you can mix and pour your own drinks, and sit down like it was somebody’s fucking living room. This is what we used to call pre-pounding, except we did it before we left on a better couch, with better music and we had better (or at least more variety) drinks for a fraction of the cost….THEN we went clubbing. (The better couch thing is debateable….it certainly had less ass germs on it from all of the random people). To make matters way worse, they set these tables up right beside the dance floor now. When they first started it was this separate VIP area, but I guess the people who NEED the VIP attention weren’t getting enough attention from the rest of the people because they were sectioned off. Now there’s barely anywhere to dance for all of these tables littering the perimeter of these clubs. You used to go to a club to go dancing!!! These idiots go to the club (and spend waaaay more $$) to sit on a fucking couch. Man up for god’s sake!! Last call is a mere 2.5 hours from when you arrive, and you’re telling me your precious feet can’t take the abuse???

Moving along, here is a top 5 list of the dumbest things I saw at the club the other night. Starting with 5, and building up to a ranty climax.

5. It was March 16th, so at midnight it was officially St. Patrick’s day. (I’m pretty sure) the club hired 2 midgets (I know, the politically correct thing to say is ‘little people’ right?? I’m all about being PC, but think of a better one, because ‘little people’ encompasses way more than just midgets) to dress up as leprechauns for photo opportunities. These guys hit the dance floor after too, and seemed to have a pretty good time. I’m happy for them especially if they got paid, but at what cost? I thought it was probably in bad taste, but what do I know? I called them midgets.

4. The DJ. What can I say?? The technology has made it so that they barely do anything up there. All digital. No vinyl to carry around. It’s a brand new day for these guys. His set could have totally been pre-programmed for all I know, and this guy spent half the night texting on his Blackberry. Dude, at least pretend you’re doing something up there.

3. The bouncer didn’t let me in until the other guy upstairs gave me an invisible stamp. Nobody checked my ID, or charged me cover so….. why the top-secret invisible stamp?? Watching too many spy movies?

2. Every time someone who had bottle service ordered another bottle, there was this big LED light attached to the top of it so everyone in the club could see that the coolest man in the world got another bottle of Grey Goose for his table. Wow man… I’m so jealous.

1. I’m sorry, I can’t drop this bottle service thing. I saw these 5 guys who had a table. They were young professionals. Probably more money than brains, but I didn’t have anything against them. They stood up the whole time, which is cool I guess if you’re moving to the music, but why pay for the couch then? I guess they took turns going to the bathroom. If they were single (which they seemed to be), perhaps they thought that girls would hang out near their table and maybe they could lure them in with their vodka bottles. It didn’t seem to happen. There were a whole bunch of girls there for a staggette, but these guys couldn’t leave their table and booze that they paid for, so I guess they were stuck flirting with whatever group of girls was nearby. They didn’t seem too successful luring with liquor, and I don’t think you’d meet any keepers that way anyways. They were definitely drunk enough to have a good time, but I don’t think it was all it was cracked up to be. The guys on the dance floor looked like they were having a blast though. There’s nothing quite like actually dancing at a dance club. I find that women notice you more as well. At least that hasn’t changed.

I hope this is just a phase or a trend, but I don’t really care. I’m not going back to that life. Maybe just for a visit once in a while. I’m sure there’s still a few places that do it right. If my son reads this when he’s older, I hope he takes from this that you can’t buy happiness. Also, if you always try to impress people with the money you spend, you will find yourself surrounded with people who are impressed by the money you spend, and then you better not run out of money. Learn to dance instead!

(Son, I meant for that to sound way deeper…..you know what I mean)

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

March 11, 2013

The Great Maple Syrup Heist, And Other Lows

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

A few months ago I read a news story that indicated 3 people in Quebec had been arrested for stealing 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup. How cliché is that? I had a blast wondering what the rest of the world must be thinking of us right now. ‘Oh those fucking Canadians are at it again!’ They are having a laugh for sure.

For those that don’t live in Canada, and don’t know about Canada, you probably have this wonderful vision of a peaceful place with snowshoes, igloos, hockey, bacon, beavers, free healthcare, and of course….. Maple Syrup. If you’re hearing this story, you probably now think that a wild Canadian crime spree involves us trying to steal copious amounts of Maple Syrup from each other. Have you ever been to a Canadian themed gift shop in another country?? All they sell is ‘Roots’ apparel and Maple Syrup. I’m embarrassed, but not totally……

There is something behind the whole Maple Syrup thing with Canada. I come from a long line of Canadians who went to great lengths to make sure that the fridge was always fully, and properly stocked with Maple Syrup. At any one time, my father and grandfather would have had enough Maple Syrup between them to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. I mean heaven forbid we were ever in a vulnerable state of potentially running out, and never ever would any member of my family ‘settle’ for the bottle of liquid sugar commonly known as ‘table syrup’. I mean god love Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth equally, but that wasn’t going to cut it. Not for this Canadian family!! The shit had to come out of a tap directly from a tree or else forget it. Is that Canadian enough for you??

I don’t have a problem with Maple Syrup being a symbol of Canadians. After all, grits are a symbol of Americans from the South, and I’m sure both groups of people have aspects to their collective personality that are way more fascinating than what they eat for breakfast…… but if I found out someone in Georgia organized the theft of 2.7 million dollars worth of Grits, I’d have a field day! I’d damn near shit my pants laughing, and I wouldn’t just judge the people who did it. I’d quietly assume that all Southerners were a bunch of Grit thieves and I’d laugh my friggin ass off for hours just thinking about it. THAT is why I’m not too impressed with the Quebecers that decided to steal the Maple Syrup. Somebody out there is killing themselves laughing at this, and lumping me right in there with the Syrup thieves. Anybody out there that thinks I shouldn’t feel like this is a reflection on me, please understand this…… We win as a team and we lose as a team! If you’re Canadian and you feel a sense of national pride because a bunch of hockey players won a gold medal in the Olympics, then you should feel a sense of national shame when Syrup thieves make us look like idiots!

I mean if you’re gonna steal something like diamonds or gold or money or electronics, I don’t necessarily approve of theft, but at least it’s proper criminal activity. I don’t even know what to call this. It’s a joke. It’s just as bad as…….

– Stealing 2.7 million worth of hockey sticks
– Abducting 2.7 million worth of beavers
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of winter boots
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of snow tires
– Abducting enough pigs to slaughter and get 2.7 million worth of back bacon!

You understand, you fucking Maple Syrup thieves???? You’re turning us into the laughing-stock of the world. I don’t appreciate it. I can think of so many other things I’d rather be laughed at for. Furthermore, what were you going to do with that much Maple Syrup anyways??? Consume it? Sell it? Who wouldn’t notice you selling 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup?? What store would purchase 2.7 million dollars of Maple Syrup that ‘fell off the back of the truck’ for re-sale? You’re an embarrassment to Canadians everywhere! In fact, you’re an embarrassment to criminals everywhere! I hope you spend your life in prison eating prison pancakes and table syrup.

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

March 4, 2013

The Chain Always Stops Here

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I remember sitting in my friend’s car. It was a 1983 Pontiac Acadian. One of the last cars I ever saw that didn’t have ‘power steering’. For those of you young enough to take that for granted, you used to get quite an arm workout from driving if you didn’t have power steering. Now all cars have it, and some will do all the tricky driving for you, it’s pathetic….don’t get me started. This car (this is off topic but worth mentioning) had a sound system that cost the owner more than the actual car. What can I say…. It was the 90s. Baby Blue with a black racing stripe, and tinted windows. This car was all dressed up with nowhere to go. We were sitting in it listening to Hip Hop because it was my obsession at the time, and sounded so damn good in a car like that. You had to listen to loud music in this car. It served almost no other purpose.

We were driving along when I noticed a piece of folded up paper stuffed under the windshield wiper blade. I rolled down my window and reached out to grab it. I told my friend about it, and opened it up to read to him. He quickly yanked it out of my hand, threw it out of his window, and kept driving. I paused for a moment with my mouth wide open in amazement. “Chain Letter”, he said and kept driving.

I didn’t know what a chain letter was at the time. He explained it to me, and spoke of the dire consequences of reading a chain letter, and then not following the instructions at the bottom, which often included writing 10 other chain letters. Kids…. in 1993, that sucked way worse than it would now. It wasn’t just a matter of hitting forward, and dropping 10 names from your address book. You had to write those fuckers out. I now understood why my friend was so quick to throw out that letter (even though it could have been some girl who had a crush on him, or a letter from another driver indicating that they had nicked his vehicle in a parking lot). He knew if he read it, he was bound by those terms.

20 years later, I received a Blogger’s equivalent of a chain letter. A blogger nominated award! This one is called the Liebster Blog Award. I’ve seen these around, and only after doing some research did I understand what it was. This one comes with some terms and conditions. You first of all have to shout out the nominator, which I’m happy to do. Then you have to post the award on your site (which I don’t even know how to do…. I guess you just copy and paste?? I suck at this stuff). Then you have to answer 11 questions about yourself (which is an opportunity in itself, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed how much I’ve been reaching on my topics lately, but I have NO new ideas.) Then you have to nominate 11 more bloggers to receive this award. If everyone did this, absolutely everyone would have about 15 of these. Not super meaningful, BUT………

I believe my nominator had pure intentions (and did not mean it as a chain letter), so I’ll play along. Her name is Ashley, and you can read her blog http://everythingisblooming.wordpress.com. She seems like a very sweet 20 something girl from Wisconsin who plays the violin, and writes some pretty funny stuff. She often takes pages from her diary from when she was a teenager, and writes it out, and then criticizes herself as the older, wiser Ashley. Pretty ballsy, but funny! I wouldn’t have the courage to let you know what I was thinking as a teenager. It would be completely inappropriate. I can barely behave now.

I should mention that I had previously been nominated for something as well. If that person is still a reader of mine, I apologize for not acknowledging whatever that was. I thought it was spam. Maybe when I have more time, I’ll go back and find out who that was.

I will also answer all of Ashley’s questions! This is amazing actually, because I had nothing to write about, and now I do. Although, I normally like to give opinions about things other than myself, I guess I can open up a bit and tell you about me. You should know that Ashley was born on February 29th, so she didn’t have a birthday this year. If you go to her page, wish her a happy birthday (next time there’s a leap year 😉 Ha). Here are my answers….

1. What would you spend your last $50 on?
I’ve spent my last $50 more times than I care to admit publicly. My close friends know this is true. It was often on beer and chicken wings.

2. Favorite fashion accessory?
Used to be a watch, but my wrist has this horrible allergy to (nickel maybe??) and I can’t wear them anymore. I love hats, but my head is friggin enormous. It’s not that noticeable until I try on hats. They’re too small. I don’t know if shoes count, but I have a lot of shoes for a guy. I always wear a belt. It always matches. If my socks/shoes/belt combo isn’t right, I feel completely naked and vulnerable. Now you know more than you wished.

3. If you were a character on The Simpsons, who would you be?
Tough call because those characters are all so pigeon holed, Krusty the Clown?

4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
I have a few of them, but spaghetti is the one thing I’m good at making myself.

5. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I would like to go to the Montreaux Jazz festival in Switzerland.

6. Do you prefer to work out in the gym, at home, or outdoors; what do you love about it?
Hate working out. What a weird question. So assumptive. However, my favourite form of exercise is playing basketball.

OH MY GOD!!!! I just realized that I’m answering the wrong questions. These were the questions that Ashley answered when she got her award, not the ones she asked….. Ughhhhh… I have to start over, but I won’t delete what I’ve already done. Consider those bonus questions. Dammit!

1.Are you a dog or cat person? Why?
If I have to choose, it’s dog because they’re usually friendly, and I like their attitude. Cats are just too smug. Not a huge fan of either

2.Growing up, what was your favorite cartoon?
Ren & Stimpy. When I watch it now, it doesn’t hold up the same, but I thought that was hilarious!! Ironically a dog and cat cartoon. Maybe I do like them.

3.If you could meet one fictional character, who would it be?
I would love to get drunk and smoke cigars with Bunk from The Wire

4.What is one of your guilty pleasures?
I’m really into Fleetwood Mac right now. I’m not sure if I need to feel guilty about that or not, but I would say it in hushed tones around certain people.

5.You’re forced to relocate immediately; Where would you choose to live?
I would probably just move somewhere that was as close to Toronto as I would be allowed under the conditions of the relocation. Too many family and friends. New York City if you really made me choose.

6.Marry, Boff, Kill: Your first, second, and third romantic partners.
Wow… personal…. Uhhh define romantic partners??? OK never mind, it’s hypothetical (my wife reads this!!!!!My mom reads this!!!!!). I’ll go with the 3 romantic partners that I’ve had lasting (over 2 yrs) relationships with. I’ll call them 1, 2 and 3 (chronological order). I’d probably kill 1 since I haven’t seen or heard from her in 15 years, boff 2 since I’d feel bad killing her, and marry 3 since I’ve already done so, and have no regrets about it. (That’s not to say that I wouldn’t feel bad killing 1…….this is a weird marry, boff, kill scenario… aren’t you just supposed to do that with people you haven’t already been with???)

7.What was your first car?
1988 Chevrolet Celebrity. I could write an entire blog about that piece of shit. Perhaps I will someday.

8.What’s your homepage?
I don’t even know how to change my homepage. Google.ca right now.

9.Name two things other than your phone or computer you couldn’t live without.
My music collection (iPod if it’s just one thing), and my bed I guess.

10.What is your favorite dessert?
Creme Brule

11.What are you currently obsessed with?
Many things. My Toronto Blue Jays pop into mind. Sooo excited about the upcoming baseball season. Go Jays!

So, those are my answers!!! The chain ends here though! Thank you Ashley for thinking of me. I won’t be posting the award or sending this to 11 people, but I had great fun with the topic anyways. The people I would send it to are all great writers, and I’m sure have an online trophy case full of these already!

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized