The Great Maple Syrup Heist, And Other Lows

A few months ago I read a news story that indicated 3 people in Quebec had been arrested for stealing 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup. How cliché is that? I had a blast wondering what the rest of the world must be thinking of us right now. ‘Oh those fucking Canadians are at it again!’ They are having a laugh for sure.

For those that don’t live in Canada, and don’t know about Canada, you probably have this wonderful vision of a peaceful place with snowshoes, igloos, hockey, bacon, beavers, free healthcare, and of course….. Maple Syrup. If you’re hearing this story, you probably now think that a wild Canadian crime spree involves us trying to steal copious amounts of Maple Syrup from each other. Have you ever been to a Canadian themed gift shop in another country?? All they sell is ‘Roots’ apparel and Maple Syrup. I’m embarrassed, but not totally……

There is something behind the whole Maple Syrup thing with Canada. I come from a long line of Canadians who went to great lengths to make sure that the fridge was always fully, and properly stocked with Maple Syrup. At any one time, my father and grandfather would have had enough Maple Syrup between them to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. I mean heaven forbid we were ever in a vulnerable state of potentially running out, and never ever would any member of my family ‘settle’ for the bottle of liquid sugar commonly known as ‘table syrup’. I mean god love Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth equally, but that wasn’t going to cut it. Not for this Canadian family!! The shit had to come out of a tap directly from a tree or else forget it. Is that Canadian enough for you??

I don’t have a problem with Maple Syrup being a symbol of Canadians. After all, grits are a symbol of Americans from the South, and I’m sure both groups of people have aspects to their collective personality that are way more fascinating than what they eat for breakfast…… but if I found out someone in Georgia organized the theft of 2.7 million dollars worth of Grits, I’d have a field day! I’d damn near shit my pants laughing, and I wouldn’t just judge the people who did it. I’d quietly assume that all Southerners were a bunch of Grit thieves and I’d laugh my friggin ass off for hours just thinking about it. THAT is why I’m not too impressed with the Quebecers that decided to steal the Maple Syrup. Somebody out there is killing themselves laughing at this, and lumping me right in there with the Syrup thieves. Anybody out there that thinks I shouldn’t feel like this is a reflection on me, please understand this…… We win as a team and we lose as a team! If you’re Canadian and you feel a sense of national pride because a bunch of hockey players won a gold medal in the Olympics, then you should feel a sense of national shame when Syrup thieves make us look like idiots!

I mean if you’re gonna steal something like diamonds or gold or money or electronics, I don’t necessarily approve of theft, but at least it’s proper criminal activity. I don’t even know what to call this. It’s a joke. It’s just as bad as…….

– Stealing 2.7 million worth of hockey sticks
– Abducting 2.7 million worth of beavers
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of winter boots
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of snow tires
– Abducting enough pigs to slaughter and get 2.7 million worth of back bacon!

You understand, you fucking Maple Syrup thieves???? You’re turning us into the laughing-stock of the world. I don’t appreciate it. I can think of so many other things I’d rather be laughed at for. Furthermore, what were you going to do with that much Maple Syrup anyways??? Consume it? Sell it? Who wouldn’t notice you selling 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup?? What store would purchase 2.7 million dollars of Maple Syrup that ‘fell off the back of the truck’ for re-sale? You’re an embarrassment to Canadians everywhere! In fact, you’re an embarrassment to criminals everywhere! I hope you spend your life in prison eating prison pancakes and table syrup.