Category Archives: Humor

My Personal Quarantine Handbook

We all gotta get through this.  I can’t say that any of this would work for you.  All I know is that it works for me.  Hard to retro-actively go back in time and prepare for this moment.  Some of these measures have been years in the making, and I can’t take a lot of credit for it either.  It’s just plain dumb luck that I happen to be totally ready for social isolation.  Here is my personal quarantine handbook to fight boredom.

(Disclaimer….  I’m trying to have a laugh during a shitty time, but if you are reading this and are somehow on the front lines of this Corona Virus thing, and don’t have the good fortune of being able to safely distance yourself and wait this out, none of this is probably funny.  That is not lost on me, and I hope you are all safe and well xo).

    1. Have a kid – This will take up all of your time.  Obviously, not everyone can or would even want to do this, and even if me giving you the idea right now was the one thing that put you over the top, there’s not enough time to turn it around.  If you have one or several already, than you know… keeping them busy or home schooled, or sane, or yourself sane, or fed, or exercised, or whatever takes up all of your time.  Depending on their age I suppose.
    2. Have a house – I don’t have one of these…. I live in (near) the city, and the condo life IS FOR ME!!!!  No more mowing the lawn.  No roof repairs.  No painting the fences etc.  Oh how I love when there’s a snowstorm and I just stand by the window with my coffee and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.  However….. Man, it sure would be nice to have a backyard right now.  Or a basement or something.  How many people have touched these elevator buttons???  I’m doomed!
    3. Don’t read books, but acquire them as if you do – Oh man…. I’ve never read so much in my entire life.  Never been a fan before now.  Never really wanted to spend time reading about other people’s adventures when I feel I should be out having my own, but….. I gotta say…… given the right book….. and the right environment….. and really no competing priorities….. Reading Doesn’t Suck as much as you might think it would.  I have dozens of books I haven’t read yet.  Don’t know if I’ll get through them, but assuming my new fascination with reading isn’t just some short term fling, maybe I will.
    4. Be a slob – I really feel for organized neat freaks right now.  You’re self isolating, so what?  You gonna organize your stuff?  How long did that take you?  Half a day?  I have enough shit lying around, needing to be sorted out to last me well into next year.  Between all the reading, home-schooling and cooking?  I still feel like I don’t have time to do it.  That said, it’s nice to have options.  Especially if the reading thing doesn’t take.
    5. Acquire Toilet Paper – Just kidding.  What an idiotic thing to prioritize.  Although….. I guess running out of that would be shitty 😉  I’ve thought about this a lot, (I mean, I always thought it would be zombies) and you need to stalk up on canned Tuna.  Canned Tuna lasts like 2 years.  It’s ready to eat out of the can.  I mean it could take some mayo and onions, but if you had to throw it in your back pack beside the baseball bat, and take a defensive position at high altitude.  If it ever got to that point, would you really care about toilet paper?  Possibly yes, so throw a roll or two of that into the backpack before you break camp for good.  Fuckin zombies!
    6. Stash cool food items in random places – Every so often when life starts to seem a bit mundane, it’s pretty bonkers to be like “Oh shit!  I found those Honey Ginger & Lime Crunchy Roasted Soybean Snacks that you bought at the ‘One of a Kind Show’!!!”  Joy!
    7. Better make sure that music collection is on point – I mean you don’t have to have 27,566 songs on your Itunes (I’m bragging because I think I’m awesome… sorry Mom), but if you did, you could go 76.5 days without hearing the same song twice.  Or you could just listen to the same 150 songs that you like over and over and over again if that comforts you, but I would quietly judge you from afar (but that should be the least of your worries right now.  Do you.)
    8. Do something creative – I’m re-vitalizing an abandoned blog.  My son is crushing abandoned lego sets (by crushing I mean building efficiently).  My wife busted out this colouring book for adults.  It all feels like work while you’re doing it, but it feels nice after.  Especially if you did sweet shit all the rest of the day.  It’s like working for free, but somehow feels more fulfilling.
    9. Board Games – OK we haven’t done a ton of this yet, but….. They lie there in waiting.  I have a dream.  One that none of my family share, but I think I’ve always wanted to do this, but never have.  I want to play Monopoloy to the death (not really, I just liked how it sounded.)  What I mean is, I actually want to finish the game.  Not a timer, not ‘oh I ran out of money’….. I mean mortgage all properties and then declare bankruptcy in order to be eliminated.  Has anyone ever played Monopoly long enough to actually finish it?  Like really finish it?  It would be super time consuming, but time I’ve got.  I say this to my wife and son every couple of days, in a voice that says ‘I’m enthusiastic about this and I hope you are too.’  I’ve been getting some faraway glances, and typically the verbal responses have been a changing of subject.  For now I wait.
    10. Get some fresh air – I know we are not supposed to be within 6 feet of each other, so find a place to go for a walk.  We’ve been doing this successfully, and if I see a person coming, I’m like Keanu Reeves, dodging bullets in the Matrix.  People in my area have been great at crossing the road when they see someone else coming, or distancing themselves appropriately.  Living in the city sucks for this.  I’m lucky to not be right downtown.  Try to get some exercise though.  All this home cooking has to go somewhere.  I shit you not when I say I’ve been doing yoga.  Picture that, anyone that knows me!  When you see me next I will be flexible and nimble as a gymnast.  Very centered and reflective as well.

Namaste!


A Chocolaty Dream

So Corona Virus got me not working.  The benefit of this is I’m sleeping 8 hours a night.  The best part of that is the last hour or so, which is bonus sleep because I should be at work.  I’m not one to remember my dreams all the time but for some reason, the dreams I have in that bonus hour are among the most memorable and at times absurd.  I’ll tell you about one.  My son thinks it’s funny.

I get sent (by my wife I can only assume) to park a car, but I’m at what looks like an all inclusive resort somewhere warm.  It doesn’t look exactly like any of the ones I’ve been to.  Also, there’s no reason for me to have a car at an all inclusive.  Maybe it wasn’t an all inclusive, anyways it’s not important.  I find it hard to write about dreams because I like to give all the details, but my dreams barely give me any details or context.  There’s a massive parking garage at this resort, and somehow the car gets parked and I’m trying to find my family.  I find my son (who’s 7, and I guess just wandering around on his own?  Not likely), and I see this table where the owners of the resort are giving away free artwork.  They call me over and tell me they have 2 pieces left, and would I like one?  They’re huge, and I feel like they used to be inside the rooms, but maybe they’re being re-designed?  I agree to take one, not really considering for the moment, like where the hell am I going to put this, how will I get it from said exotic destination to my home in Toronto.  Then I get a look at the 2 pieces, and they’re both pictures of the owners of the resort, who of course are the same people giving them away.  It’s a man and a woman, and the man has a great 80’s mustache with a white guy fro, and I can’t remember what his wife looked like, but she had money.  Now I’m being too polite to say that I no longer want this artwork, so I’m going to have ditch it somewhere (like in a dream I should be able to laugh at this guy and say I don’t want his shitty artwork, and segue right into a poolside Pina Colada, but then if I realize I’m dreaming, I’ll wake up, so I end up just doing the same goddamn things I would do in real life instinctively).

Then I see Vasek Pospisil (Canadian professional Tennis player), and thinking it’s cool that he’s there, but there’s no crowd or no sign that he’s doing a meet and greet, so maybe he’s just on vacation too at the same shitty resort I’m at where the owners seemingly have pictures of themselves in the suite.  So I ask him if he’s there doing autographs, and he says ‘yeah sure’, and so I grab my son because he likes tennis too.  Just as I’m about the quickly whisper in his ear, what to politely say to Vasek Pospisil when asking for an autograph, my son walks up to him and says really loudly “Do you have chocolate?”

Then I wake up.


One Door Closes…. Another Opens

Gonna be home for a few days. Weeks even? Who knows? Corona Virus is a thing, and if you’re consuming this while it’s fresh, then you know more than you’d like to about social distancing. If you’re reading it years from now, congratulations, you survived. Here’s to hoping this is soon just a punchline to some shitty joke. In the meantime, what to do? Great time of year to watch Sports!! Hockey and Basketball playoffs coming soon, Baseball about to start up. What? They’re all cancelled? Oh man. Binge watching TV and movies I guess. What else? Good time to listen to music. I mean really listen. Like we used to. When we had those album covers we could read while the record was spinning. For me? Well I do have this blog. I’d argue that it’s at least 5 years past it’s prime, but hasn’t necessarily gone into retirement yet. Hey, if George Foreman could win the heavyweight title in his 40’s, I could surely get this thing chugging again. After all, my readers have nothing but time, and I have nothing but time. Surely my son, (who is soon to be bored out of his skull, if not already) would love to just give Daddy the kind of space he requires to do a bunch of writing every day….. NOT. Plus my wife needs the chair I’m sitting in to work from home. So there are obstacles, and my output over the coming weeks will be direct evidence of my resolve. So if this is the last you hear of me, don’t be surprised, but nevertheless, HERE WE GO!

What to write…. This blog in it’s prime was very ranty. I was younger I suppose. More full of piss and vinegar. I can feel myself mellowing. Not so entertaining. I could rant about social distancing. It would be so ‘of the moment’. To be honest though, I really feel like people were never quite designed to go through something like this. It will be very interesting to see how compliant the entire world will be simultaneously. I’m really not that angry with people right now. Again, if you’re reading this years from now, WE MADE IT!

Starved for something to write about, I thought about a prompt of some sorts that would ask me questions that I could just answer. Slight cop out, but should get me through my first session. I stumbled across another WordPress blog that had just such a list. I’ll attach the link as a shout out. It’s from 9 years ago, so who knows if she still writes or whatever, but I didn’t do too much research on the other, because I had to start typing. https://efcarletti.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/50-good-questions-to-ask-yourself-and-others/

I did not compare these questions with others on the net. I just committed to answering them. I have not even read them all. My answers will be below each question

50 good questions to ask yourself and others

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?

I’m a giver of nicknames. Not always a receiver of one.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?

‘Acid For The Children’ – Flea ‘Muhammad Ali – Through The Eyes of the World’ – Various…..Currently reading ‘The Beastie Boys Book’…. I never read, but this week I’ve read a lot.

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?

I don’t. I guess I mind doodle? It looks crazy

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?

I mind doodle lol

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?

Not sure. I feel like I could last a while. I think I would just develop other personalities and invisible friends and make the best of it.

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?

I save them, but never go through them. Maybe I will though.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?

My mom. Sorry mom.

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?

Depends on the party and it depends on how I feel at the time. I’ve done all 3, but if it’s people I know well, I make my presence known, because that’s more fun.

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?

Humour lol. I guess that’s not the answer. I’d give up smell maybe?

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?

Couldn’t attach a number to it. Every time I pass one.

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?

That my face would ‘stay like that’

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?

I think I enjoy teasing people. I try not to be mean about it, or at least know ahead of time if the person can ‘handle’ it or not. I do it to my son. He hates it. I hated it when I was his age. I’d like to think that I’m preparing him to deal with it later in life when it’s not me that does it, which is possibly true. I think you need to learn to laugh at yourself. Once you can laugh at yourself, it takes the sting out of other people laughing at you. I think. Or maybe I’m causing mass psychological damage to everyone I know. Sorry.

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?

Jade (speaking of people I love to tease). She is the queen of intentionally doing ridiculous things, and feeling zero shame about any of it. For a couple of years we worked together and she was my boss. If I made the mistake of offering to go on a Starbucks run, I would have to rhyme off 7 obnoxious details about her drink like the amount of sugar or whip cream, and it was never just the standard amount. I don’t think she goes a month without doing something that by most standards is completely bizarre, and posting it on social media for all her friends to either lol, or eye roll at. Every pic she takes of herself has a Jade face, where she looks like she’s getting shot out of a cannon. She was a fun boss and good friend. When my father passed away, she would cook food, and bring it to my mom’s house (I don’t know if my mom even knew who she was). When my wife had to go to the hospital for a day, she insisted on ordering us a dinner from Uber Eats even though we hadn’t hung out a lot during that time. I’ll never forget those gestures.

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?

Wow. Like I said, these questions are from 9 years ago, so I’ll answer this one like it was 9 years ago. Every day. Toronto Star or Toronto Sun, Sports page, and whatever else I have time for.

15. Which animals scare you most? Why?

Rats are fucking nasty, I don’t know why.

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

Depends on the day. Instinct is to avoid, but my learned behaviour is to engage head-on, after a cooling off period preferably.

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?

Somebody at work took me aside and thanked me for teaching them so much. That meant a lot.

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?

I always secretly admire people who can wake up in the morning, seem rested, and have a great breakfast routine, where they mentally prepare for the day. Oh and do yoga and or workout in the morning. When I wake up in the morning I push the snooze button 14 times, and fly through the condo like I’m escaping from a fire, and I’m at work with a coffee in my hand and a breakfast bar in my pocket to be consumed later, probably no more than 30 minutes after my head is still on my pillow

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain.

Yeah. Maybe. No. I don’t know.

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.

I would say no. However I offset that with being completely unreasonable over small details, so yes. (Just asked my wife. She spoke to me about it for 20 minutes, and says EVERYBODY thinks so.)

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits?

Once or twice a week I play basketball against people that are usually 10-20 years younger than me. It takes me 2 days to recover. How much longer can I do this?  I guess as long as the back holds up.

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

I’ve usually just rolled with a few close incredibly long tenured friends.  Shout out to them.  Apparently I’m high maintenance 😉

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

Both, but to build an empire, I need others to unleash the potential of me. I’m too lazy to do things alone. I need the right partnership to get shit done.

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?

I saw an alien spaceship land and……….I have a blog. If I witnessed a strange occurrence, you would know by now.

25. What do you think about more than anything else?

5 way tie and it depends on the day. Family/Friends/Work/Sports/Music

Well…. That’s 25 out of 50 questions. As my high school teachers would confirm, that gets me a D and a pass. I’ve learned some very important things here today. Talking about myself is exhausting. I am HIGH maintenance according to my wife and possibly many others. Blogging starts out fun for the first 300 words, and then gets sucky and boring past 1000.

Anyways… for those that read to the bottom. Stay safe and wash your hands 🙂 For those that don’t read to the bottom, stay safe and wash your hands as well.


That Time I Had My Own Cooking Show

As part of my get rich incredibly slow or possibly never scheme, I’ve decided to go after some of that YouTube money. You know the kind. The kind that kids get from opening boxes of toys, while other kids watch on TV…. or teenagers playing video games while other teenagers watch on TV…… or other random content creators that find something so niche to say or do on the internet, that millions of people need to see. They make that advertising money. Some of these people don’t even have to work anymore. That’s the easy-way-out scenario that I’ve always craved and dreamed of. The same dream that perhaps made me start writing this blog once upon a time. Slowly getting out of the blog game though. People don’t want to read. I don’t even want to read. If you knew how little I read, you’d be amazed at the hypocrisy of me being a blogger. So what then???

A lot of people say ‘Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’. Ever since I turned 40, my new motto has been ‘Just because you shouldn’t, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t’. So with that in mind, I decided to start a cooking show. My collaborator is a chef. Another couple of buddies of mine do film stuff. Suddenly, this thing’s got legs and doesn’t seem so crazy. We call it ‘Cumin Beings’. It’s not like a lot of the cooking videos you see online these days, which are lots of recipes and food shots, but lacking in personality. I miss the old cooking shows where the host/chef would actually hang out with you and talk you through it. So much of what you see on TV now is the reality shows and the chef competitions. Those are fun too, but we were aiming for some edutainment. A little different, but still a little familiar.

So without going on and on about it, I’ve attached the link to episode one below. I hope you’ll watch it/dig it/share it. We’re already plotting to shoot a couple more in the near future. If you could help me get some of that YouTube money by spreading the word, I’d be grateful. Maybe won’t be able to quit the day job, but it would be cool to generate a budget to do more of these. I’ll let the universe decide. Enjoy! Recipes below the link.

Rub:

4 tbsp kosher salt
2 tbsp chili powder
1 tbsp smoked paprika
1/2 tbsp white pepper
1 tbsp onion powder
3 tbsp brown sugar
1 tsp hot chili flake (optional)

Mix all ingredients together in a bowl.

Sauce:

3 cups ketchup
1 1/2 cups brown sugar
2-3 tbsp rub (see above)
1 cup maple syrup (REAL whenever possible)
1/4 cup cider vinegar

Mix all ingredients together in a pot over low heat….stir frequently to combine flavours, 5-7 minutes. Allow to cool, then store it in the fridge.

Slaw:

1/2 medium head Savoy cabbage cut into fine strips
1/2 medium Spanish onion julienned
1 medium carrot peeled and julienned
1 medium Northern Spy or Russet apple sliced finely
1 tbsp rub
2 tsp dried oregano
1/4 cup cider vinegar

Combine all ingredients in a bowl and toss well to combine. Allow to marinate half an hour before serving.


On this day in 1994

Man, I looked down at the date today and it rang out in my mind. I couldn’t figure out why at first, was it somebody’s birthday? Did I have an appointment or something? I eventually remembered the significance of the day. It was my first hip hop concert. 1994. 25 years ago. Good lord! I had that ticket hanging on a bulletin board in my bedroom when I was younger, and that’s probably how I remembered the date. (Or…. the real story if you prefer is that it was the 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend at the time, and I felt shitty for not hanging out with her that night, but……) we were going to see De La Soul and A Tribe Called Quest who to this day are my two favourite hip hop artists. What a show! The latter who I have to choose if asked for a preference, was at the absolute pinnacle of their career, which in my humble opinion coincided with the very peak of hip hop as an art form. This would be like seeing Led Zeppelin in 1971, or James Brown, or Elvis or something like that. Prince or Queen I suppose.

I went with my friend Brad. Which made me think of this picture. This picture is not from that night. I have no pics from that night. There were no camera phones back then. Most dudes didn’t carry cameras around with them. A good chunk of my life is undocumented. From whenever my mom stopped thinking I was cute 😉 (I wink there, because my mom will read this, and better still think I’m cute), to whenever I got it in my mind to buy a camera. Whatever those years were, there aren’t many pics. Maybe some birthdays or something.

This pic is of Brad and I in the summer of 93. About to go on a road trip to Cleveland to watch the Blue Jays (who won the World Series that year btw…. and haven’t won since *sniff*). We were mad skinny, oh my god! Ready to drive a Pontiac Acadian over the border. I must have blogged about this car already, but it didn’t have power steering. If you’re under 40, you don’t even know what that means!!! If you’ve ever been to a theme park or carnival that had a spinning tea-cup ride, or some other equivalent, there’s usually this giant steel wheel in the middle of the cup that you can try to spin around while you’re spinning around to control freak your own turns, and it’s heavy as shit to turn. That’s what driving a car with no power steering is like.

Summer of 93

Look at us!!! Young and full of piss and vinegar. Look at my Chuck Taylors… man I gotta get another pair of those. That car embodies the phrase, ‘putting lipstick on a pig’. That car was a piece of shit. It looked cool though, and the system pumped. The rest mattered not. That was summer of 93. In the Fall, A Tribe Called Quest put out their best album ‘Midnight Marauders’ (apologies to Tribe fans who prefer ‘Low End Theory’…. you are not wrong either), and the Toronto Blue Jays would win that last World Series. I was 18 and skinny. Didn’t have any idea what I was doing, but I looked alright doing it. I’m not trying to say that was any better than 2018….. but it didn’t suck. That’s all I wanted to say.


That Time I Wrote/Directed/Acted In A Short Film Part 2

Tonight I will premiere my baby (Short film entitled ‘To Do List’) online for the world to see. By world I of course mean an extraordinarily small percentage of the population of said planet, but whatevs!!! I’m putting this baby to bed (Finally!). Not that it hasn’t been a thrill ride for the ages. It totally has, and its exceeded every one of my expectations. As fun as this has been though, its time to move on. I wrote a blog about it a while back. If you want to start from the beginning of the story, click and have a read. If not, I’ll summarize below.

https://thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.com/2017/11/20/that-time-i-wrote-directed-acted-in-a-short-film/#comment-4181

I made a short film with zero experience, zero money, and a lot of help from some talented people. The film didn’t suck (which I hate to say was basically my objective, like “Don’t suck!” was a theme throughout), and upon completion, made it’s rounds on the festival circuit. I loved re-reading the above blog because I wrote it just after I found out I got into my first festival. I remember thinking that just one festival, no matter how small or remote or niche, screening my film would have been the most incredible thing. It made it’s world premiere at the Tampa Bay Underground Film Festival, which I was unable to attend. One of several that I didn’t go to for various reasons (most of which involved money or vacation time). It’s a strange feeling the night that your film is screening in some city in front of a crowd of people, and you aren’t there to see it. You might just be sitting on your couch drinking a glass of wine, and you look over at the clock and realize that there might be a room full of people in Portland watching you on a screen, and you are just sitting on a couch with no concept of whether they enjoyed it or not…..just drinking that wine. Alone. It’s a weird feeling.

A ‘not weird’ feeling is going to your first festival to sit in the audience and watch yourself on the big screen. That is Killer Kool-Aid, and I was able to do that in Boulder City, Nevada. On a separate blog site, I wrote this story about that experience, should you decide you want to go down that particular rabbit hole…….

Adventures At The Dam Short Film Festival In Boulder City

If you don’t, it’s cool. We won ‘Best Comedy’ there. It was the only award this film got to win, but considering I was expecting zero awards and would have been totally satisfied with just one screening, this was bananas. As obnoxious as it sounds, I now routinely tell people that I am an ‘Award Winning Director’ because I CAN. They say that just because you can, doesn’t mean you should, but I sometimes do…… because I can.

After that I got into a few more. We got to see it with some friends in Cleveland at the Short.Sweet.Film Fest, and I finally got a local screening in Toronto, courtesy of Cityflix. Finished off in Canada with a fun little Muskoka Trip at the Cinemuskoka Film Fest, and now I’m done! I’m happy. I’m grateful. I’m excited to finally share this with everyone. Who knows? Maybe I’ll go make another!

I just want to take the opportunity to thank everyone involved in the project. Talented actors, Jennifer O’Callaghan and Patrick McFadden. Cinematographer Othello Ubalde. Editor Trevor Juras. Justin Constantino and Victor Solla who helped shoot it. I’m glad we were able to make it happen, but it wouldn’t have happened without these people, their incredible talent, and generosity of spirit. I look forward to sending it out into the cold bizarre version of our world we call the Internet. Be gentle with my baby 😉

Here’s the link that will have activated by the time most of you read this.

Enjoy


Etiquette For Taking A Shit In A Public Toilet

I shouldn’t have to say any of this. I’m honestly not sure why humans….. oh never mind. Fucking humans! I’ll get straight to it. I can only tell you this from a man’s perspective. That should be disgusting enough without getting into what goes on in other washrooms, man I don’t even want to know.

Where to even start…. Let me start by saying I hate taking a shit in a public washroom. Now, not all public washrooms are the same, and we all know too well that not all shits are the same. It’s hard to avoid, as most working adults spend 8 plus hours away from home every day, and unless you’re blessed with an impressive schedule of regularity, and can time these things for when you’re in the magical royal comfort of your own throne, then you are probably dropping the kids off at the PUBLIC pool once in a while if you know what I mean. If it happens often enough like every day, then you probably don’t have too many issues with doing it, unless there are extraordinary circumstances on the part of yourself, or some other unfortunate soul that occupies the same space at the same time.

You probably wouldn’t guess this about me, but I feel pretty shy and reserved most of the time. So when someone who feels that way, which I think is a common way for a lot of people to feel, goes to a public washroom to drop a deuce, they’re probably hoping that nobody is in there. In fact, I’d venture a guess that most people are probably fairly relieved when they find out nobody is in there. Like the sun doesn’t shine on the same dog’s ass everyday, you are not likely to walk into an empty restroom every time you want to drop bombs, so now what? Well I would think that courteous humans might just respectfully recognize that multiple people being in the same situation might have similar needs and wants. The big want is to be alone. You can’t have that sometimes, so what is the etiquette? Treat others as you wish to be treated. If you are lucky enough to have a little separation from one another, then take advantage of that. You can’t be alone, but the next best thing is to have a stall or two between you and the other person that’s taking a shit in the same room as you. Are you gonna feel free to put your feet up on the door, and squeeze the metal bar on the wall (if you got the special needs stall), and just give er? Not the same way as if you were alone, but at least you won’t be as self-conscious of every little farty squeak you let out if the other person is 10 or so feet away.

This desire for privacy should be universal, so WHY IN THE FUCK do people always jump into the stall beside mine, when I know full fucking well they had at least 2 or 3 other options? Hey, sometimes the washroom is small, and there are only 2 stalls. This isn’t a perfect world, I know that, but if there’s 5 or 6 stalls, and 2 people pooing, there’s no good reason for the 2nd person to set up shop right beside the first.

I’m in Vegas last week, and with the amount of great restaurants there, and all the walking around you do, everyone is a ticking time bomb. Okay, I can’t speak for everyone, but I am certainly a ticking time bomb. I love casino washrooms, because they are huge. They’re comfortable and there’s lots of privacy. Does that seem odd to you? I thought about this. If you’re 10 feet from a slot machine, they don’t want you going up to your hotel room to take a ‘gambling shit’ because then you might not come down and gamble again. You might just have a nap or something. If they make it comfortable to shit in the casino, it’s more money for them. I bet your high school economics teacher didn’t tell you that. Anyways…. I’m at the New York New York hotel, and I go into the washroom. There’s like 17 stalls in there, and they’re all empty. It’s a great feeling to see that, I don’t care what you say. I sit down for a minute and these 2 drunk guys (I mean it is Vegas) come in and basically get into the stalls on either side of me to take drunk, stand up pisses in these toilets. One of them is groaning, like he held this piss to within an inch of his life, and they’re fucking talking to each other. Not only are there 14 other available stalls, but there must have been 30 urinals in there if they were just going to take a stand up piss. Here’s the thing. Have I ever been so drunk that I had to balance my head on the wall in order to stand straight and get the piss out? You bet I have, and more than I’d care to admit, but I’ve NEVER been so drunk that I walked into a urinal right beside some poor sucker who was trying to take a shit, when there were a dozen other options because no matter how drunk you get, that is horrible etiquette, and I was fucking raised better!

Apologies to my mom and all her friends who read this for the salty content. It’s all true and it’s time someone said it 🙂