Monthly Archives: August 2012

B.A.N. – Boycott Acronyms Now

Acronyms are completely out of control!  Most horrible fads that are taking place right now are just being ignored by me until they go away.  That’s not always how I like to deal with things, but it does work occasionally.  They say to do that with bees if you’re afraid of them.  ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away.’  That doesn’t work for me, so I maneuver my upper body to dodge them.  Like Muhammad Ali arrogantly moving his head away from a punch, or like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix.  Except instead of dodging punches and bullets, I’m dodging tight jeans and 80s glasses (If you visualize these things actually slowly flying towards me, and me moving away from them in slow motion like an action star…… it’s funny….. at least in my mind it is.)

Sadly acronyms are no fad.  They are here to stay.  I’m a reasonable person.  I, myself will tell you that we picked up some KFC on the way home yesterday, and I have enough leftovers in the fridge that I can probably eat it again after I’m finished this blog.  Kentucky Fried Chicken is a mouthful (both figuratively and literally) and it makes sense to shorten it to KFC.  That, my friends, is a great acronym.

What makes a great acronym???  It’s an instantly recognizable short form for something.  What makes a not-so great acronym?  That is a much longer answer……

Here are some dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) when it comes to using or inventing acronyms.  I feel strongly about these, and would like somebody to lobby for legislation.  Yes….. the government needs to get involved.  All governments!!!  This is becoming a worldwide epidemic.

1.  First of all, if you have a business, and want an acronym for your business, you should have to do at least $50 million dollars a year in annual sales to get an acronym.  That’s right!!!  An acronym should be earned, not just taken.  If you’re business name is ‘The Guy That Sells Carpet in Pittsburgh”, you are not GSCP!!!  Unless you are the only person selling carpet in Pittsburgh, and everyone there knows you because everyone there walks on your carpet every day because you have a monopoly on carpet there……. then you are GSCP!!  BTW, GSCP is ‘Goldman Sachs Capital Partners’ or ‘Global Supply Chain Planning’ or ‘Ground Support Computer Program’ etc.

2a.  This is an extension of the first one, but if you don’t have a strong enough brand, and the acronym doesn’t take, then stop pushing for it.  A great example is the Bank of Montreal.  They are proud sponsors of Toronto Raptors basketball (yes I still watch them).  They have been trying to re-brand themselves as BMO for as long as I care to remember, yet in their commercials they say “BMO -Bank of Montreal”.  You shouldn’t be allowed to do that.  If you want an acronym so badly, then let it ride and call yourself BMO!!  If you don’t think that the public ‘gets it’, then abort the acronym and call yourself Bank of Montreal.  You can’t do both, it’s redundant and stupid.  I say a 2 year maximum on this foolishness.  Shit or get off the pot.  BMO-Bank of Montreal has been doing this for many years.  Maybe it’s because BMO is the ‘British Mathematical Olympiad’ or ‘Business Management Office’ or ‘Ballistic Missile Organization’

2b.  Also on the topic of redundancy…… if another kid comes up to me and says ‘YOLO… you only live once’, I’m gonna strangle them.  I’m happy you kids are learning new slang through rap songs.  Half of what I know in this world I learned through rap songs, but…….  don’t say YOLO, and then explain what it means to me in the next sentence.  Either say ‘YOLO’ (only if you think I’ll understand without further explanation), or say ‘you only live once’.  Saying both is like driving with one foot on the gas, and the other one on the brake at the same time.  Only people who don’t know how to drive do that.  YOLO can also stand for ‘Yell Out Loud Obnoxiously’, ‘You’re Only Lesbian Online’, ‘You Only Love Oreos’ (I shit you not by the way).

3.  Finally, the texting language.  I hoped this would go away, but it won’t.  It’s just going to get worse, and I predict we will get a full novel in text form within the next 5 years.  It’s inevitable.  Actually, that was a pretty good idea.  The media would be all over that.  If any of you decide to do this, I want 5% of the gross.  I have boycotted ‘LOL’.  I did it years ago.  I remember at first I had no idea what it meant.  I probably could have looked it up, but never bothered.  I just waited until somebody told me.  It’s stupid.  Nobody laughs out loud that often.  If somebody texts me something funny, I just say Haha.  Way better.  I could be LOL-ing or just politely Haha-ing.  Nobody can tell.  I guess a few texting short forms are OK, but I feel like it’s getting out of hand too.  Congratulations to anyone that was going to call me out on BTW-ing earlier.  I was just testing to see if you were paying attention.  These are good ones.  SMH on the other hand…… I thought it meant ‘suck my hole’ for the last 2 years.  In hindsight I’m not proud that it was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I saw the acronym for ‘Scratching My Head’.  It wasn’t until I got an SMH waaaay out of context that I realized it couldn’t mean that.  It could also mean ‘St. Michael’s Hospital’ or ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ or ‘Sanitary Man Hole’.

All alternate acronym definitions were courtesy of  Yes…. there is such a thing, and you wouldn’t believe how out of control it’s gotten.  Let’s just B.A.N. this now!  B.A.N. can also stand for ‘Bachelor of Arts in Nursing’ or ‘Brothers Across Nigeria’ or ‘Budget Allocation Notice’


Women’s Liberation vs. Big Face Watches

Women have come a long way.  I think it’s awesome.  When you consider how far they’ve come in the fight for gender equality in the last 30-40 years, it’s pretty impressive.  Let’s give the guys some credit too.  As a whole, we’re not assholes about it the way we used to be (some exceptions apply).

Let’s recap some of the highlights.  I can only speak for most of North America, but they vote, they hold office, they’re CEOs, VPs, executives, entrepreneurs…..the list goes on and on.  They also find the time to give birth to and raise our children.  Men help sometimes, and sometimes they don’t.  Women are making a lot of things happen in this world.  They’re amazing.  They’re on fire!!!  I come from a city where the mayor is a woman who has held office for 30 years, and nobody will even bother running against her.  Most if not all the women in my life are well-educated high achieving type-A show runners (I know that’s not actually a real term, but it should be….it means you run the show).  I’m used to it.  I’m comfortable with it.

Then one day on the bus……

I saw this lady wearing a man’s watch, and I thought ‘wow, why is she wearing her boyfriend’s watch?’….then the next day 2 more women with big-face watches…..then the next day 3 more……..’hmmm’ I thought, ‘must be the new fashion trend’……then I looked around a bit more….. almost every chick on the bus was wearing a big-face watch…… then I looked at the guys…… I saw 3 guys wearing skinny jeans talking about the Food Network.  They were hipsters mind you, which is one of the lowest common denominators of masculinity, but still…… a couple of other dudes with their low-cut pants and plumber bums showing…..something didn’t feel right.

Then it dawned on me!!!

Women are slowly and methodically trying to take over the world!!!!  They’ve kept it so quiet and it’s been such a slow and patient climb to the top that we barely noticed anything was awry.  All under the guise of equality, but once true equality is achieved, how hard will it be for women to swing the pendulum into the other direction to the point where they are completely dominating everything that goes on?  Oh, they can turn on the sweet feminine charm whenever they want.  They’re very cunning.  Now that I have found out this ‘political secret’, and pulled the curtain back, I’ll be afraid for my life, because assassination may be the best way to shut me up.  Women don’t assassinate people though.  I’m sure that the threat of bitching and nagging will shut me up.  Every man will avoid that at all costs, and women know it.  They’ve taken over a lot of households that way, and it’s only a matter of time before they harness that power, and use it on a global scale.

Dammit, I should have read the signs.  Guys have been rocking capri pants, listening to 2 inch pink iPods, exposing their underwear, getting piercings, plucking their eyebrows…. you name it.  It all seems so obvious now.  It wasn’t until I saw women wearing men’s watches, and celebrating porn on a mainstream level (in novels) that I realized the world will never be the same.

In all seriousness, I’m all for gender equality, as long as equality is what we’re after.  If there’s something else going on, I don’t know if I can support it.  Gentlemen of this newer generation….. I suggest you stop twirling your goofy little mustaches, and start paying attention to what’s really going on.  To paraphrase one of my favourite ‘urban’ sayings… ‘You’re about to get your shit took’…… Don’t say I didn’t warn you!

Unfamous Quotes By Me

I’m super busy tomorrow.  My 18 week Monday blog streak will come to an end 😦  Unless I write one tonight and post it tomorrow.  If I had been doing this for 3 years or so, I could just re-post an old blog hoping you hadn’t read it yet, but I don’t think that’s gonna fly.  So I bring you………Unfamous Quotes By ME!!!!!  I feel that these would be famous quotes if I in fact were famous….. but I’m not….. so they’re not… I’m going through the archives to see if I’ve said anything interesting since the inception of social media.  Most of these have been long forgotten by anybody who may have heard them.

I love a great quote.  I’m not the type to ever get the wording right, or to be able to give proper credit to the author.  I think they are valuable learning tools, because when the wording is chosen properly, you can say so much in just one or two sentences.  Some of these are life lessons…… some are just obnoxious ramblings, but I’ve said all of these things in the past, and probably been proud enough to repeat them.  I hope you find them entertaining if not useful.

The Qu0tes…..

“Throwing an Alley Oop to yourself is bad Karma”

“Live vicariously through yourself”

“You aint a vampire dude….. cut your fingernails!!!”

“Brunch without bacon is just Runch”

“We used to have no idea what instant gratification meant, now we’re pissed off when we don’t get it”

“I don’t believe in accidental celebrity deaths.  It’s too lucrative for too many people.  Someone is always behind it”

“The only reason dog is man’s best friend is because they can’t tell we’re assholes”

“Some people have steak and eggs appetite, but cereal ambition”

“Instead of having a ‘Teen Choice Award’, they should have an ‘Adult Who’s Been Around Long Enough To Know Good Music Choice Award'”

“Here’s a horoscope for all of you….. Most of you will spend most of your time doing dumb shit”

That’s it for now.  Maybe someday when I have writers block I’ll find some more!


I’m as much of a sucker for the Olympics as I previously blogged about being for Disney!  Maybe more-so.  This is my chance to avidly follow people I don’t know playing sports I’ve never watched before, and do so passionately.  I practically threw the converter in heartbreak when the Canadian women’s soccer team lost to the U.S. today.  It’s the first women’s soccer game I’ve ever watched.  I like the idea that people have spent their entire lives preparing for a moment that in some cases lasts under a minute.  Not saying I’d do it……but I will happily watch someone else do it.  It’s inspiring.  There are a lot of emotional moments.  I ‘almost cry’ a lot during the Olympics.  Shut up man… you probably do too!!

Like anything in this world worth watching, the Olympics aren’t perfect.  There’s always some crazy controversy surrounding some of the events.  I have opinions on some of these matters, but I’m going to steer this blog toward some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last week while watching the Olympics.

In no particular order…….(Some of this may be wildly inaccurate)

– I feel bad for the badminton teams that got kicked out because they tried to throw the match.  A lot of times it’s the coaches, and powers that be that make these decisions to do something dumb like throw a match.  The athletes are the ones that pay the price.  I feel this way about steroids as well, and don’t give me the business about the ‘athlete should just say no’.  It doesn’t always work that way.

– I think there are too many swimming medals.  I’m not trying to say that Michael Phelps isn’t the greatest Olympian ever, but other sports don’t award like 5 or 6 medals for doing the same thing (just at different distances).  A Judo guy can only win one medal, so can a basketball team.  They have to play a lot of matches to get there.  If you’re the fastest swimmer in the world and you know a few different strokes, there’s no shortage of medal possibilities.  I find it anti-climactic to see a swimmer not win a medal, but then get 5 more shots at it.

– I had a friend suggest to me last night that there should be retractable diving boards so divers wouldn’t hit their heads.  I agree with this.  I don’t like hearing about divers hitting their heads on the board.  It’s dangerous.  I know that’s part of the sport and it adds to the level of difficulty, but safety should come first.  Everybody wants professional football and hockey to lower their concussion rate….. why not diving.  If they can make an Ipod smaller than a Triscuit, then someone could invent the retractable diving board.

– Some dude threw a plastic bottle onto the track just before the 100 metre sprint finals.  Apparently he’s gone to court and plead not-guilty.  Here’s the thing……How much of a jackass do you have to be to spend the money to go to the Olympics (which I’m sure isn’t the easiest to get tickets for, especially the 100 metre final), and think that it’s a good idea to throw something onto the track like you’re the show that everyone came to see?  Like somehow, with your graceful throwing of the water bottle you could somehow upstage (arguably) the most anticipated event in the entire games?  Big time jackass is the answer I’m looking for.  Will he get a fine?  Prison time?  I don’t know, but I’m a firm believer in ironic punishments.  Since this guy wants to be the show, I think they should string him up naked (as well as some of his closest friends, because the only reason you throw a bottle at a track meet is for a story to tell your friends, and if he has the type of friends that would be impressed by such a story, then they deserve to be punished as well) in front of the entire crowd at the 4X100 relay finals, and invite all the finalists from the 100 meter to come out with a bucket of empty bottles.  Set the timer for 10 minutes and let these sprinters throw the bottles at their idiotic naked bodies from point blank range for 10 straight minutes while the crowd enjoys what I call Olympic Spirit, and Ironic Justice!!

Those are my Olympinions.  What are yours?