Acronyms are completely out of control!  Most horrible fads that are taking place right now are just being ignored by me until they go away.  That’s not always how I like to deal with things, but it does work occasionally.  They say to do that with bees if you’re afraid of them.  ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away.’  That doesn’t work for me, so I maneuver my upper body to dodge them.  Like Muhammad Ali arrogantly moving his head away from a punch, or like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix.  Except instead of dodging punches and bullets, I’m dodging tight jeans and 80s glasses (If you visualize these things actually slowly flying towards me, and me moving away from them in slow motion like an action star…… it’s funny….. at least in my mind it is.)

Sadly acronyms are no fad.  They are here to stay.  I’m a reasonable person.  I, myself will tell you that we picked up some KFC on the way home yesterday, and I have enough leftovers in the fridge that I can probably eat it again after I’m finished this blog.  Kentucky Fried Chicken is a mouthful (both figuratively and literally) and it makes sense to shorten it to KFC.  That, my friends, is a great acronym.

What makes a great acronym???  It’s an instantly recognizable short form for something.  What makes a not-so great acronym?  That is a much longer answer……

Here are some dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) when it comes to using or inventing acronyms.  I feel strongly about these, and would like somebody to lobby for legislation.  Yes….. the government needs to get involved.  All governments!!!  This is becoming a worldwide epidemic.

1.  First of all, if you have a business, and want an acronym for your business, you should have to do at least $50 million dollars a year in annual sales to get an acronym.  That’s right!!!  An acronym should be earned, not just taken.  If you’re business name is ‘The Guy That Sells Carpet in Pittsburgh”, you are not GSCP!!!  Unless you are the only person selling carpet in Pittsburgh, and everyone there knows you because everyone there walks on your carpet every day because you have a monopoly on carpet there……. then you are GSCP!!  BTW, GSCP is ‘Goldman Sachs Capital Partners’ or ‘Global Supply Chain Planning’ or ‘Ground Support Computer Program’ etc.

2a.  This is an extension of the first one, but if you don’t have a strong enough brand, and the acronym doesn’t take, then stop pushing for it.  A great example is the Bank of Montreal.  They are proud sponsors of Toronto Raptors basketball (yes I still watch them).  They have been trying to re-brand themselves as BMO for as long as I care to remember, yet in their commercials they say “BMO -Bank of Montreal”.  You shouldn’t be allowed to do that.  If you want an acronym so badly, then let it ride and call yourself BMO!!  If you don’t think that the public ‘gets it’, then abort the acronym and call yourself Bank of Montreal.  You can’t do both, it’s redundant and stupid.  I say a 2 year maximum on this foolishness.  Shit or get off the pot.  BMO-Bank of Montreal has been doing this for many years.  Maybe it’s because BMO is the ‘British Mathematical Olympiad’ or ‘Business Management Office’ or ‘Ballistic Missile Organization’

2b.  Also on the topic of redundancy…… if another kid comes up to me and says ‘YOLO… you only live once’, I’m gonna strangle them.  I’m happy you kids are learning new slang through rap songs.  Half of what I know in this world I learned through rap songs, but…….  don’t say YOLO, and then explain what it means to me in the next sentence.  Either say ‘YOLO’ (only if you think I’ll understand without further explanation), or say ‘you only live once’.  Saying both is like driving with one foot on the gas, and the other one on the brake at the same time.  Only people who don’t know how to drive do that.  YOLO can also stand for ‘Yell Out Loud Obnoxiously’, ‘You’re Only Lesbian Online’, ‘You Only Love Oreos’ (I shit you not by the way).

3.  Finally, the texting language.  I hoped this would go away, but it won’t.  It’s just going to get worse, and I predict we will get a full novel in text form within the next 5 years.  It’s inevitable.  Actually, that was a pretty good idea.  The media would be all over that.  If any of you decide to do this, I want 5% of the gross.  I have boycotted ‘LOL’.  I did it years ago.  I remember at first I had no idea what it meant.  I probably could have looked it up, but never bothered.  I just waited until somebody told me.  It’s stupid.  Nobody laughs out loud that often.  If somebody texts me something funny, I just say Haha.  Way better.  I could be LOL-ing or just politely Haha-ing.  Nobody can tell.  I guess a few texting short forms are OK, but I feel like it’s getting out of hand too.  Congratulations to anyone that was going to call me out on BTW-ing earlier.  I was just testing to see if you were paying attention.  These are good ones.  SMH on the other hand…… I thought it meant ‘suck my hole’ for the last 2 years.  In hindsight I’m not proud that it was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I saw the acronym for ‘Scratching My Head’.  It wasn’t until I got an SMH waaaay out of context that I realized it couldn’t mean that.  It could also mean ‘St. Michael’s Hospital’ or ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ or ‘Sanitary Man Hole’.

All alternate acronym definitions were courtesy of www.acronymfinder.com.  Yes…. there is such a thing, and you wouldn’t believe how out of control it’s gotten.  Let’s just B.A.N. this now!  B.A.N. can also stand for ‘Bachelor of Arts in Nursing’ or ‘Brothers Across Nigeria’ or ‘Budget Allocation Notice’