For those of you that haven’t watched any of the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ movies, Gollum is a (oh god, I really want to bail out of this explanation, but I also want to give you some context….but this really isn’t what the blog is about, I just named it Gollum because it reminded me of something else, but I don’t want to summarize the plot of the movie franchise just to use the analogy…… maybe I could go with a really quick explanation that only tells you the part I need you to know for the blog….. Done!) tortured conflicted character with a dual personality (phew). One ego is pretty cool, and alter-ego is pure evil. Some of the most fascinating parts of this movie are when they show up on-screen at the same time and argue with each other (Or maybe I should use the Fight Club example instead…… nope, I’ve come too far). A lot of you might watch those scenes and think ‘Poor Gollum (or Edward Norton’s character) suffers from mental illness’, but when I watch it I think ‘man… that sounds like me while I’m washing dishes.’ After all, doesn’t everyone have a slightly evil version of themselves that they talk to? One that takes over from time to time when ‘things need to get done’? I totally do! If you think I have controversial opinions now, you should hear what my alter ego says. I should write a book!! (I hate when people say ‘I should write a book’ like it’s some lofty goal that could only be achieved in your wildest fantasies…. if people replaced the writings of their inane thoughts on their social media status updates with text on a single idea, most would have written 3 to 5 books by now….wait a minute…. maybe I should write a book!)

I decided a few weeks ago that I would pay more attention to my inner monologue (or dialogue if you consider ‘evil me’ to be a separate entity), and record some quotes. I don’t want to explain these quotes by trying to put them into context or give you the whole picture. I think the quotes on their own are fun, and nifty little insights that may or may not mean anything to anyone. You may have thoughts or opinions regarding some of them, or you may be mind-blowingly indifferent. At some point over the last few weeks, I have actually said these things to myself, and remembered to write them down later. These could be words to live by and give you the strength and courage to go out into the world and be wonderful little people, but even more likely they will just make you wonder why you bothered reading all the way to the bottom of the page.

Without further ado, I present……. “Excerpts From My Inner Monologue”

“I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news…. The good news is we’re eating ribs for the next 3 nights…..the bad news is we’re eating ribs for the next 3 nights”

“You either find Minnie Driver cute or you don’t…. That’s all there is to it!”

“There should be an Oscar award for actors that pretend they give a shit on the red carpet”

“God, are they doing movie posters for theatre productions, and listing off the actors?? Nobody knows stage actors…. which is too bad because they’re more talented…..like stormtroopers…. they fuckin owned Star Wars, but you don’t see their names on the billboard”

“Why is the NBA All-Star Game a pop concert? And what trailer park did they get these background dancers from? Marvin Gaye must be spinning in his grave!”

“I would never go to a medical school called Medix! Learn to spell first, and I’m definitely not sending my kid to Mini-Skool!”

“There are 2 types of people in this world. Those that enjoy cilantro, and those that don’t…..and there’s something fuckin wrong with the latter.”

“Video games need trailers like assholes need hemroids.”

“I don’t understand why people are freaking out about the Pope stepping down due to old age. 85 year olds aren’t even allowed to work at McDonald’s anymore, how can they still run religions?”

Gollum out!