Monthly Archives: February 2013


For those of you that haven’t watched any of the ‘Lord Of The Rings’ movies, Gollum is a (oh god, I really want to bail out of this explanation, but I also want to give you some context….but this really isn’t what the blog is about, I just named it Gollum because it reminded me of something else, but I don’t want to summarize the plot of the movie franchise just to use the analogy…… maybe I could go with a really quick explanation that only tells you the part I need you to know for the blog….. Done!) tortured conflicted character with a dual personality (phew). One ego is pretty cool, and alter-ego is pure evil. Some of the most fascinating parts of this movie are when they show up on-screen at the same time and argue with each other (Or maybe I should use the Fight Club example instead…… nope, I’ve come too far). A lot of you might watch those scenes and think ‘Poor Gollum (or Edward Norton’s character) suffers from mental illness’, but when I watch it I think ‘man… that sounds like me while I’m washing dishes.’ After all, doesn’t everyone have a slightly evil version of themselves that they talk to? One that takes over from time to time when ‘things need to get done’? I totally do! If you think I have controversial opinions now, you should hear what my alter ego says. I should write a book!! (I hate when people say ‘I should write a book’ like it’s some lofty goal that could only be achieved in your wildest fantasies…. if people replaced the writings of their inane thoughts on their social media status updates with text on a single idea, most would have written 3 to 5 books by now….wait a minute…. maybe I should write a book!)

I decided a few weeks ago that I would pay more attention to my inner monologue (or dialogue if you consider ‘evil me’ to be a separate entity), and record some quotes. I don’t want to explain these quotes by trying to put them into context or give you the whole picture. I think the quotes on their own are fun, and nifty little insights that may or may not mean anything to anyone. You may have thoughts or opinions regarding some of them, or you may be mind-blowingly indifferent. At some point over the last few weeks, I have actually said these things to myself, and remembered to write them down later. These could be words to live by and give you the strength and courage to go out into the world and be wonderful little people, but even more likely they will just make you wonder why you bothered reading all the way to the bottom of the page.

Without further ado, I present……. “Excerpts From My Inner Monologue”

“I’ve got good news, and I’ve got bad news…. The good news is we’re eating ribs for the next 3 nights…..the bad news is we’re eating ribs for the next 3 nights”

“You either find Minnie Driver cute or you don’t…. That’s all there is to it!”

“There should be an Oscar award for actors that pretend they give a shit on the red carpet”

“God, are they doing movie posters for theatre productions, and listing off the actors?? Nobody knows stage actors…. which is too bad because they’re more talented… stormtroopers…. they fuckin owned Star Wars, but you don’t see their names on the billboard”

“Why is the NBA All-Star Game a pop concert? And what trailer park did they get these background dancers from? Marvin Gaye must be spinning in his grave!”

“I would never go to a medical school called Medix! Learn to spell first, and I’m definitely not sending my kid to Mini-Skool!”

“There are 2 types of people in this world. Those that enjoy cilantro, and those that don’t…..and there’s something fuckin wrong with the latter.”

“Video games need trailers like assholes need hemroids.”

“I don’t understand why people are freaking out about the Pope stepping down due to old age. 85 year olds aren’t even allowed to work at McDonald’s anymore, how can they still run religions?”

Gollum out!


So this post is supposed to be a travel rant. I just want to say this. I am loopy on cold medication. Oh I know… put that up there with the rest of the excuses for either writing a bad blog or wanting to get extreme credit for writing a good blog, like…..There’s something in my eye, my dog keeps humping my leg, I’m stuck in a snow bank, too many creditors are calling my home at once, I have plantar fasciitis, my coffee maker is broken, I have writer’s block, I don’t speak English, I’m at work, my humidifier is making the room to humid, I’m drunk, my Ipod keeps playing the Pet Shop Boys, my baby is drooling on my face, last night’s pork was overcooked, they might have used asbestos during the construction of my parent’s house, I have emotional problems, there’s a jolly rancher stuck to the couch cushion, I have kidney stones, my life sucks and I’m too depressed to write, my life’s amazing and now I have nothing compelling to write about, I have a stain on my new shirt, I’m being held back in life because my pre-school teacher never believed in me, I have a hang nail on the ring finger equivalent of my toes, I wanna go outside and play, the gym that I’ve never been to wants me to come in for a fitness assessment….. today!!!!!! All this and I still managed to get a blog off??? That’s damn near heroic!! OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

Travelaudacity is supposed to be like travelocity, but since I’m trying to tell you bad things about travelling, I put audacity instead of ocity, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d get it, so I’m explaining it, but then if I have to explain it, it probably wasn’t worth saying, but if it was worth saying, and you did get the ‘wordplay’, then I’ve probably completely ruined it by explaining it, and I should have just shown confidence in it (because I have this thing about combining two concepts in the same word like “Blintrog” which was the first blog I ever wrote, and it was like an Intro and a Blog, but I combined the two to make Blintrog… get it???), but I don’t know if this concept was strong enough, and I feel insecure about it, and when I’m insecure, I overexplain. NOT TO MENTION when I looked up the spelling of audacity, I noticed that one of the definitions was the willingness to take bold risks which is actually a pretty cool personality trait, but I of course was referring to the definition that indicated rude or disrespectful behaviour, just in case you weren’t 100% clear about what Travelaudacity was supposed to be about. OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

I had to fly on Delta Airlines last week. I wanted to bring a bag. A real bag, like luggage. Not just a carry-on. Not a full-on suitcase disguised as a carry-on either which (if I didn’t just say it in a recent blog) is the most obnoxious thing going. I wanted to check a bag. This costs $25. I know it used to be free back in the day, but that’s not my rant. (Although it could be my rant because if they didn’t charge $25, then more people would check their bags, and then they wouldn’t stuff them into overhead compartments, and then dislodge a plastic thingy when they tried to get it out, and nearly poke my friggin eye out). I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that when you pay $25 to check a bag with Delta, they give you what’s called an ‘excessive baggage’ ticket. I was gone for 5 (turned into 7 because of snow storm) days, and I brought one suitcase. I don’t think that is ‘excessive’. If I brought 4 suitcases, then you can give me an excessive baggage ticket, but one suitcase for a 5 days??? Not excessive. I would say it’s the ‘appropriate baggage’. I would have liked to get an ‘appropriate baggage’ ticket from Delta.

Have you ever booked travel and noticed that a connecting flight is generally cheaper than a direct flight? I’ve had this explained to me by numerous people and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m no genius!! Argue it all you want…..(No seriously I’d love to have the argument with you where you try to convince me that I’m a genius, and I humbly try to talk you down like ‘no no… not a genius…’ please, can we do that argument next time I see you?) but I do know a tiny bit about business. I’m not going to oversell how much I know about it, but most of my adult life, I’ve been involved in business on some level with varying degrees of success peppered with wildly high levels of failure. All that being said, HOW THE FUCK CAN RIDING ON 2 AIRPLANES BE CHEAPER THAN RIDING ON 1 AIRPLANE???? There are roughly double the costs. Double the employees, double the fuel, double the mechanics making sure it’s running smoothly, double the flight attendants, double the bits and bites, double the pilots, double the guys that take our ‘excessive baggage’ from one plane and put it on another. There’s no way you can tell me that the costs of having me take a connecting flight is cheaper than me taking a direct flight (when one is available). I think that’s why some of these airlines are struggling. They fail to comprehend the basic mathematics behind their business. They should be encouraging people to take direct flights!! Do you know how much time and energy they waste on re-booking passengers that miss their connectors?? The stupidity of it all amazes me continuously.

Happy Travels!

The Sad Demise of Record Stores

I sometimes feel that it’s difficult to explain my obsession for music to people. If you share this obsession, then I don’t need to explain. If you don’t share this obsession, then you’ll never understand anyways.

On December 31st 1983 I heard my first ‘year end countdown’. Quite by accident. I used to love watching music videos on TV with my sister. I remember listening to ‘hit radio’ all the time. They had a weekly top 30 which they published in the paper every Thursday (how do I still remember that?). They had a Top 7 at 7pm (determined by fan voting) which I used to listen to while washing dishes or up in my bedroom lip syncing in front of the mirror (I should also mention that I used to call in to this station to request songs and try to ‘influence’ the results of the Top 7). I had a love of statistics as they pertained to sports and music. I loved charts and countdowns! So when I turned on the radio and found out that they had a countdown for the entire year, I just about lost my friggin mind. The top 83 of 83. 1050 CHUM was the station in Toronto (who heartbreakingly switched to an oldies format a couple of years later). I was 9. Michael Jackson, Duran Duran and Culture Club were the hottest things in pop music at the time. I listened to, attempted to predict, and wrote down the results of this entire countdown. ‘Every Breath You Take’ by the Police was #1. All I wanted was records for Christmas. Records or Baseball Cards. You didn’t need to go to any special store to get something for me. K-Mart did the trick. I listened to pop music, and compilation albums were the best gift idea. K-Tel used to make them. Like ‘Rock 83’, ‘Rock 84’, Rock 85’…. well you get it.

When I started high school I became obsessed with Hip Hop music. I used to deliver newspapers with a cassette tape of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince in my walkman. I dropped that walkman so many times. The cover was broken, the batteries were drained. I would still listen to it even if it didn’t play at the proper speed. The Fresh Prince later became a big movie star, and was something of a gateway drug for me to get into harder stuff like Public Enemy and N.W.A. I eventually settled on a more mellow mix of De La Soul and A Tribe Called Quest. Now that I was old enough to make my own money, my first stop was always the record store. I would go to any record store, but due to a more specific tastes, I liked to go to the more urban style record shops where the DJs would go. Always wanting to have the newest and freshest music. I remember there was one in my neighborhood that was walking distance which was perfect since I didn’t have a car. On Thursdays I would watch Muchmusic’s version of ‘Rapcity’, and as soon as it was over (if I had money) I would jet over there to see if they had that new song that I’d just heard. All of those stores I used to shop at for Hip Hop records are closed.

As I got older and my tastes in music started to diversify a little more, I used to love going to a little place called ‘Peter Dunn’s Vinyl Museum’. This place sold vinyl at a time when records had pretty much been phased out. This was a place where you could literally dig through the crates and try to find some magic. It spanned all genres and time. Not only was the music diverse and sometimes obscure, but you could look at all of those crazy album covers which was awesome in its own right. Did you know that Lisa Whelchel (Blair from ‘Facts of Life’) had an album in the 80s (and upon further research was nominated for a grammy)? Did you know that all of the ‘Pointer Sisters’ had solo projects?? These are the crazy things I learned at Peter Dunn’s. They closed down a few years back. I believe there’s a Karate school there now.

Every trip to the shopping mall for me is still highlighted by a trip to the music store (HMV being my favourite). I now will listen to just about everything from RnB/Soul to Alternative or Classic Rock. From Jazz to Hip Hop. I can’t forget the 80s and the songs I used to listen to on 1050 Chum. I do have an iPod and I buy quite a bit of my music digitally, but I still love to wander through record stores, both old and new. I love the smell of dust that only a creepy, musty old record store could have just as much as the smell of plastic packaging that only a newer music store has, and I love them equally.

I guess the only thing I don’t love is the theft of music. People look at me and say ‘Dude….why would you pay for music when you can just download it for free?’ I don’t know! By that rationale, why would you pay for food? Why don’t you just go into a grocery store, fill up the cart, and just walk out? They don’t check receipts at the door! Or better still, why don’t you go to a farm, hop the fence, and start stealing crops? Hopefully, it’s because you know it’s wrong. I don’t see any difference between that and music piracy. No difference between that and looting. No difference between that and sheer fucking anarchy.

As much as I love the instant gratification of getting music online, I kind of miss the hassle of going to the record store. It was an event… a mission!! I devoted days, weeks, perhaps months of my life to this. There was something about the anticipation, and either the fulfillment or disappointment of acquiring music. As the world goes digital, I hope some of these stores can win this losing battle. I for sure will miss this terribly, and I don’t think I’m alone.

Stuff I Thought Of To Say Today

For the second straight week I’m out of the country. Still bringing you the bloggiest ideas that are rattling around in my little brain. I’m tired. I’m not saying this will suck, but I am planting some excuses into the gardens of your mind just in case it does. I promised Monday blogs and sometimes it’s just not an easy thing.

Here are some half-cooked thoughts and ideas for your consideration…….

– In the United States, they have urinals in mens bathrooms. Why are 50% the urinals here ‘child sized’?? A child probably doesn’t even use a urinal until he’s 4. By the time he’s 10, he’s tall enough to use a regular sized urinal. How many goddamn 3.5 feet tall men do you think there are in an American bathroom at any one time?? Certainly not 50% of the population. Unless coach is taking the little league team to Burger King after a game, this is a non factor. I think a 5 to 1 ratio would be acceptable.

– I saw an ad today and I didn’t know it was for the Olympics. It said ‘we are one year away from one of the biggest sporting events in the world.’ Yeah, next year’s Superbowl!!!

– Too many VIPs. There used to just be a regular lineup, and a VIP lineup. I walked past a Vegas nightclub the other day that must have had 6 different lineups! I even heard an ad that said ‘tired of waiting in the VIP lineup’?? There shouldn’t be much waiting in the VIP lineup, because if you’re truly VIP, you should get in right away. I think there is no regular lineup anymore, and the VIP is the old regular lineup. Air Canada has Elite members, and Super Elite members, and Star Club members. Too many VIPs. Give me regular, and special, and that’s as far as it needs to go. Gold card, Platinum Card, Black Card……Silver membership, Gold membership, Platinum membership. They’re trying to make everyone feel special in their own little unspecial way. Not everyone is special all the time. Knock it off!

– So tired of these fucking air travellers whose time is too important to check their luggage and wait at the carousel with all the other slobs, so they bring a full friggin suitcase onto the plane with them, and jam it into the overseat bin where it doesn’t fit, and then nobody else can fit their stuff up there. It’s cramped and crowded because now everyone is carrying stuff on their laps and under their seats, all so a few jackasses can avoid baggage claim. Today one guy had his suitcase jammed up there so bad that a long piece of plastic got dislodged and damn near put my eye out. “Oh Sorry”

– I saw a chick on the subway a few weeks ago. She was sleeping with a ‘rockstar energy drink’ in her hand. That’s not a very good endorsement for the drink.

– I saw an ad for a Dyson air dryer that indicated it was 80% faster. It didn’t say faster than what though. I think they were hoping I would assume it was the competition. I think it’s only 80% faster than me blowing on my own hands.

Ok… I’m out of tricks