Orlando Babies would be a great rap name. So would Skilly Nelson, but that’s not what this blog is about.
I’m in Orlando with babies, and surrounded by babies. Like our pilot said when 60% of the people on the flight were lined up waiting to get their strollers and car seats…. “That’s Orlando for ya!!”
I have 3 things to comment on, all involving Orlando and babies in some way.
1. I was at Epcot Center today. For those yet to be enchanted by the magical perfection that is Walt Disney World, Epcot Center is one of their theme parks. I remember my first time going to Epcot Center when I was a kid, and it was an unforgettable experience as I believe all Disney Parks should be for all kids. Except locals I suppose. Perhaps it’s not such a big deal if you actually live in Orlando. I’m not ashamed to say it was pretty exciting to me as a kid. Today, as I walked around the park with my son for his first time, something struck me as kind of odd. Little kids seemed to be having meltdowns and freaking the fuck out on what I would consider an alarmingly regular basis. It would be fair to say that five minutes didn’t go by without some kid absolutely losing his/her shit at the park. I didn’t understand this. Kids…… This should be one of the greatest days of your young lives. Your parents probably brought you here at considerable expense. Most of the kids you know are playing around at home with their shitty toys, but YOU are at Walt Disney World, (dare I say) The Greatest Place on Earth (other than Las Vegas)!!! What in the hell is your problem?? What could possibly be causing you this level of distress?? Your parents flew you here, and this is the attitude you’re going to take towards today’s festivities??? If you want them to continue to take you places like this, you better cool out!! I don’t get these kids.
2. My brother and law and my niece walked into a short film that had some cast members from the movie ‘Lion King’. This was a big deal for my niece who is 2.5 yrs old, and is very familiar with The Lion King. I think Disney got us in there on some false pretenses however….. This wasn’t a sequel, or any kind of interesting follow-up. They had basically used the characters to do an environmental piece about how we’ve been ruining the world but ‘there’s still hope if we act now’. I felt manipulated, but I have to give credit where credit is due…… They have the undivided (maybe that’s not the right word) attention of the babies who are the world’s future, and instead of fluff, they’re teaching them to be environmentally conscious. Disney Guilt!!! Making the world a better place!
3. Out of respect for my son’s privacy I’ve decided not to say too much about him on this blog. Which is too bad. He’s quite a character. I could go on and on about him, but I’m trying to be original, and talking about your kids all the time is something that is done….. frequently…..which is cool, I mean we all love kids but…. I gotta go a different route……at least with this blog……you should know though that all I do at work is follow people around with my phone and make them look at pictures of my son……. They usually say he’s really handsome…… if they don’t then I say it…..life’s too short to be bashful….Having said all of that, here’s a quick story about my son.
He just turned 6 months old. We’re in Orlando like I mentioned, and the weather in Toronto has been shitty. We didn’t get a spring, it was just pissy all the time. I’m sure it’s nice there right now, since I’m not there….always happens. Anyways, I took him swimming for the first time the other day. 6 months old. I wondered if he would be scared, or happy, or annoyed, or surprised…..would he shit his pants???? So I took him down (he looked fucking adorable in his little swimming get-up, it’s just ridiculous…… see this is why I can’t write a parenting blog….because only in my mind would the words ‘fucking adorable’ come out, typed no less, so I could have fixed it and didn’t!!!) and walked slowly into the pool. The whole time I’m looking at his face for some type of reaction. I get nothing. Is the water too cold? Apparently not. Does he like being in the water? Who knows? This kid gave me a look that I can only describe as ‘disinterested’ for a full 30 minutes. I should mention that his face is normally pretty expressive, but he is hard to impress at the best of times. Swimming though?? How could you not have an opinion on that? We didn’t just stand there either. I was moving this kid around. I did everything short of submerging him at the top speed that still seemed reasonable. No reaction!!! Should I feel jipped as a parent? Isn’t this one of those parenting firsts that people always remember? I’ll always remember this, but not for the reasons I would have thought.
8 Comments | tags: Babies, Disney, Epcot Center, Humor, Orlando, Swimming | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized
I’m as much of a sucker for the Olympics as I previously blogged about being for Disney! Maybe more-so. This is my chance to avidly follow people I don’t know playing sports I’ve never watched before, and do so passionately. I practically threw the converter in heartbreak when the Canadian women’s soccer team lost to the U.S. today. It’s the first women’s soccer game I’ve ever watched. I like the idea that people have spent their entire lives preparing for a moment that in some cases lasts under a minute. Not saying I’d do it……but I will happily watch someone else do it. It’s inspiring. There are a lot of emotional moments. I ‘almost cry’ a lot during the Olympics. Shut up man… you probably do too!!
Like anything in this world worth watching, the Olympics aren’t perfect. There’s always some crazy controversy surrounding some of the events. I have opinions on some of these matters, but I’m going to steer this blog toward some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last week while watching the Olympics.
In no particular order…….(Some of this may be wildly inaccurate)
– I feel bad for the badminton teams that got kicked out because they tried to throw the match. A lot of times it’s the coaches, and powers that be that make these decisions to do something dumb like throw a match. The athletes are the ones that pay the price. I feel this way about steroids as well, and don’t give me the business about the ‘athlete should just say no’. It doesn’t always work that way.
– I think there are too many swimming medals. I’m not trying to say that Michael Phelps isn’t the greatest Olympian ever, but other sports don’t award like 5 or 6 medals for doing the same thing (just at different distances). A Judo guy can only win one medal, so can a basketball team. They have to play a lot of matches to get there. If you’re the fastest swimmer in the world and you know a few different strokes, there’s no shortage of medal possibilities. I find it anti-climactic to see a swimmer not win a medal, but then get 5 more shots at it.
– I had a friend suggest to me last night that there should be retractable diving boards so divers wouldn’t hit their heads. I agree with this. I don’t like hearing about divers hitting their heads on the board. It’s dangerous. I know that’s part of the sport and it adds to the level of difficulty, but safety should come first. Everybody wants professional football and hockey to lower their concussion rate….. why not diving. If they can make an Ipod smaller than a Triscuit, then someone could invent the retractable diving board.
– Some dude threw a plastic bottle onto the track just before the 100 metre sprint finals. Apparently he’s gone to court and plead not-guilty. Here’s the thing……How much of a jackass do you have to be to spend the money to go to the Olympics (which I’m sure isn’t the easiest to get tickets for, especially the 100 metre final), and think that it’s a good idea to throw something onto the track like you’re the show that everyone came to see? Like somehow, with your graceful throwing of the water bottle you could somehow upstage (arguably) the most anticipated event in the entire games? Big time jackass is the answer I’m looking for. Will he get a fine? Prison time? I don’t know, but I’m a firm believer in ironic punishments. Since this guy wants to be the show, I think they should string him up naked (as well as some of his closest friends, because the only reason you throw a bottle at a track meet is for a story to tell your friends, and if he has the type of friends that would be impressed by such a story, then they deserve to be punished as well) in front of the entire crowd at the 4X100 relay finals, and invite all the finalists from the 100 meter to come out with a bucket of empty bottles. Set the timer for 10 minutes and let these sprinters throw the bottles at their idiotic naked bodies from point blank range for 10 straight minutes while the crowd enjoys what I call Olympic Spirit, and Ironic Justice!!
Those are my Olympinions. What are yours?
4 Comments | tags: Humor, Humour, Justice, Olympics, Rant, Swimming | posted in Humor, Rants
I’m on Vacation in Orlando! Yay for me 🙂 I didn’t know if I’d get a chance to write a blog or not, since there is sun to be lying in, pools to be swimming in, and theme parks to be gauged at (financially of course). Luckily (for me) we are staying at a time share resort, and if you are familiar with those arrangements, you’ll have probably already sat through one of their sales pitches (information sessions as they like to call it). I didn’t think that I’d be able to get a blog in this week (breaking a 2 week streak of successfully doing so), but due to the heroic efforts of my wife, and in-laws (who are sitting through a presentation as we speak), I was able to get an hour of free time with the lap top. So if you end up taking a liking to my musings of the day, please take some time to think about the sacrifices that were made by others to make this happen as well as ensure that we secured a reasonable rental rate for inflatable tubes for the duration of our stay.
As you read more of my blogs and some of my crusty disposition comes out a little more, you might be surprised to know that I am a sucker for theme parks, and particularly susceptible to the charms of Disney. I would go as far as saying it’s ‘magical’ (a word I’ve used to describe BBQ, and bowel movements…… but only the very best ones). As a guy who’s afraid of heights, I enjoy the slow-moving detailed approach to Disney. It’s not a bunch of big, fast, high rollercoasters. It’s little carts slowly moving through a lazy river of meticulous detail, from the way the characters mouths move in sync with the music, to the mist they spray on the back of your neck to make a fake jungle seem like a real jungle. It’s parades in the street with dancing Goofies and fireworks and candy apples. It’s photo ops with stuffed animals, balloons, and happiness. IF THEY COULD TAKE HAPPINESS AND SHOOT IT INTO YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE VEINS, only then could you possibly, maybe understand a bit of what Disney is all about……….I just read this back to myself…..what a loser! Anyways, it’s fun and I’m looking forward to that tomorrow. Today is all about the inflatable tubes. Swimming will never be the same.
On another note, if you’ve been following this blog since it’s inception (2 weeks ago), maybe you noticed that I changed the layout. I’m not really good at this stuff so I took one of the pre-selected options. I think this one is called ‘Elegant Grunge’. That sounds so cool. I don’t know what the other one was called, but if I was commissioned to make a name for it, I would call it “Kid eats way too much fucking cotton candy, washes down with cream soda and projectile vomits”.
My Mom’s birthday is tomorrow…. Happy Birthday Mom!!
5 Comments | tags: Disney, Humor, Orlando, Swimming, Travel | posted in Uncategorized