Tag Archives: rants

Time To Re-Boot My Life??

Man…. Hollywood man…. Is it the worst thing going on right now? No. The world has worse problems than this. I am a little sickened by the lack of originality in the movie theatres these days though. If it’s not a comic book movie, or one of the many unneccessary sequels from a movie that there should have been just one of (they call them franchises), it’s a re-boot. What is a re-boot? I’m no expert. If you’re computer isn’t working, you can turn it off and on again, and hope the problem goes away. That’s the only way I know how to fix a computer. I believe the term for that is re-boot. In computer terms it could mean taking something that isn’t working, starting it over, and hoping to God that it works. In Hollywood, it means taking something that already is working, starting it over, and hoping to God that it works. It works a lot of the time. Like singing a cover of an insanely popular song. It’s the low hanging fruit of the entertainment business. I get mad. Then I take a breath and remember that I don’t really care. In reality, most of the movies I watch these days are either Lego or Pixar, and I do so in my pyjamas while half sleeping, and half watching a toddler. So re-boot away, losers. Who am I to tell people not to make money?

Then I got thinking about my life, and what if I could re-boot that??? Now that’s got potential. Not everyone knows the whole story, so it could just be a sleeper hit. First and most important thing in a re-boot is what young actor could I give the role of a lifetime to? Someone handsome, that’s for sure. The re-boot has to be more visually appealing than the original. Has anyone ever asked you the question who would play you in a movie? I always want to pick some really handsome leading man, but I’m afraid it would probably have to be a very quirky character actor if I have to be honest. Someone on the Hollywood A-list though, because you don’t half ass a re-boot.

Oh, just think of the way CGI could clean up some of those early scenes. I definitely want a lot of montages. Those are my favourite parts of movies. The more cliché, the better. I’m definitely a big fan of the nerd scene, where a guy sits in a room with like 17 computer screens and is furiously typing things out and figuring out formulas while chewing on a pencil and choking down bad coffee so he can pull the all-nighter, so he can get that assignment done/send a guy into space/save the world or whatever he’s doing. There also has to be a spot in that office space where he would sleep if he wasn’t so gacked on caffeine. I’m just brainstorming here. (In case you’re wondering, in the original movie, I just sleep peacefully and blow the deadline.)

I think in the re-boot I should be a really confident ladies man. It’s a choice between playing up the awkwardness, or being super-cool. I feel like the real movie was somewhere in-between, but in-between doesn’t play well in Hollywood, and I don’t want to make myself dweebie. This is my re-boot, and I want some creative control. I’m going super-cool. It’s decided. I’m also losing the beer gut. The guy that plays me is gonna be ripped. Should I have a motorcycle? Tattoos? Yeah I think so, plus I’ll be way better at sports. We’ll definitely have sports montages. Plus cool night club scenes, where I’m dressed to kill and having sophisticated conversations in VIP, not like the real movie where I was drunk in the middle of the dance floor, covered in sweat, getting mad at the DJ when he played songs I didn’t like, and trying to convince people to leave so we could eat Chinese Food.

Plus we need to add more tension. I don’t really have the qualities of a compelling leading man. I don’t think I’m tortured enough. Not enough confrontation in the original film. We need some fight scenes. Or at least an action scene or two, and my favourite ones involve people with no training getting into absurd car chases, or being chased by a bunch of hitmen, and narrowly escaping, because even though they’ve never been in a situation like that, they are JUST THAT GOOD!!

Then again, there is a certain charm to the original story. It was a wild ride for the ages, but it felt just like getting up every day and living. Not trying to pay myself a weird compliment (or maybe I am), but you could search the IMDB database, and there will never be another me, and the same can be said for all of the unique characters in this story. So if I had the chance to re-boot it, would I? Not in a million years. But…….. as in Hollywood, everyone has a price, so if you write the right number on a piece of paper and pass it to me, anything is possible 🙂 I’m just kidding. Sort of.


Bloggiversary #3

So WordPress informed me that ‘Thoughts and Rants In Jogging Pants’ is 3 years old. It went from baby to toddler. Now ideally it is fully toilet trained, because there’s always lots of shit coming. I thought I should write a post about what I’ve learned in the last 3 years of blogging.

So what have I learned in the last 3 years of blogging?

Very little.

Let’s move on. Here’s a piece that I think I’ll call “Get It Together, People!”

So I saw this lady the other day walking past, and I couldn’t help but notice she had her button down shirt buttoned incorrectly. Do you know what I mean by that? She was off by a button so there was an extra button on top, and an extra hole on the bottom. Hey…. I’ve had days like that too. I don’t even need to mention how many times I’ve started doing up my shirt, and finished only to realize…. yeah, I did it wrong. The difference between her and I, and not to pat myself on the back, but in my example, I noticed that I did it wrong, and then I fix it before I go out. This lady didn’t fix it, and in all likelihood, still unaware that it was off. Am I being hard on her? Maybe. It’s just that you get 2 opportunities to figure it out. If you start buttoning from the bottom, you should see that it’s not lined up properly, but if you don’t, that’s okay, because when you get to the top, you get a second opportunity to notice that you screwed it up and make the appropriate changes! You might even do a little thing called looking in the mirror just as a third measure. Now bleeding hearts, before you start defending her, I know there are people in society that have a tough time with these things for whatever reason. She just didn’t seem to fall into that category. She seemed well put together and adjusted otherwise. Is she having a tough time that day? Maybe. Should I cut her some slack? Perhaps, but society is spiralling out of control, and there’s not a lot that the average person can do to fix it. You know what we can fix though? Our shirts.

Get it together.

On another note, I was stuck behind a driver yesterday that didn’t turn left at the amber light until well after he should have, leaving me to wait for another set of lights to go by at a busy intersection. I wasn’t in that much of a hurry. Who cares, right? The reason it happened is because this guy was flailing his arms about, trying to get his point across to the person he was on the phone with. Did he have bluetooth technology? Yeah, he did. So it’s legal, right? I’m not sooo against people talking on the phone while they drive. As long as they’re good at it. If you can talk to someone that’s in the car with you while you drive, then you should be able to talk to someone on a hands free set while you drive, IF you’re good at it. Some people just aren’t good at it. Some people cannot walk and chew gum at the same time. Me? I had a job where I had to drive a truck through the city, and I would talk on the phone, AND eat lunch while driving as long as I was on a straight stretch of road with not a lot of cars around. There are times when you have to focus on the road, and shouldn’t be on the phone, and if you have to talk with your hands and picture the person you’re talking to in your mind in order to have a phone conversation, then PULL OVER!!!!

Get it together before you get us all killed.

If you’ve read the last 2 paragraphs and thought ‘hey man…. you seem kinda uptight’. I would just remind you that I’ve been blogging for 3 years. You can’t have a blog with ‘rant’ in the name, and not sound a bit crabby from time to time. 3 years is a long time to be ranting about stuff. I’m tired.

NOW, on a more positive note, here are a few things that are in the hopper, and might be coming down the pipe……

– I’m taking an online novel-writing course. It’s an accountability thing. I think by the end of the course, I’m supposed to have written a novel. I know I already told you I would write a book, and then gave you a couple of chapters, and then stopped because I hated it, so consider the source, but I plan to write a novel this year.

– I acted in a movie. I’ll probably let you know a little more as it becomes closer to being available for public consumption. All I will say at this point is that I’m in one scene, but my character is fairly significant in that scene. It’s an Independent Film that will be submitted to some festivals later this year. Cross your fingers that it gets into one or two. Even though I’m not an actor, I have big plans to segue this little opportunity into becoming the most in-demand leading man in all of Hollywood. By big plans I mean I really hope someone comes and asks me to do it again. There’s actually a far better chance that I will finish the aforementioned novel.

– My travel blog http://www.paymevegas.com has stalled. Not because I don’t love going to Vegas and then talking about it after, but I haven’t been in a while, and some of my recent plans and schemes to get back out there have not come to fruition as of yet. You can be sure that at some point I will fire up a few more posts there too, but……

– I think I want to do a music blog. I love music even more than I love ranting and Las Vegas put together. Maybe it’s time. Maybe it’s not time. We shall see.

– As far as Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants goes. Yeah, I’ll keep doing it. Sorry I can’t do it every week like I used to. I think becoming a father has really emptied out the old noggin. As I spend a significant amount of my brain space remembering all of the names of the different engines on Thomas and his Friends, I find myself less able to connect with the real world. I always hated the thought of that, but to be honest, when I’m sitting with my son watching the same movie we’ve watched 7,036 times, almost nothing makes me happier.

🙂


Don’t ‘Shut The Front Door’

I’m going to swear a bit more than normal here. Maybe my mom and her friends shouldn’t read this one. I’ve had a couple of sappy blogs in a row now, and if you’ve followed my patterns, you know it is to be followed with something completely ignorant. I wouldn’t be me otherwise.

The topic of course is swearing. There are people who glorify swearing. I don’t think that’s me, although it’s not too far off the mark. There are people who don’t condone swearing. That’s me a very small percentage of the time. You can’t swear elegantly if you can’t pick your spots. I will say this though. I don’t condone substitute swearing. What’s that you ask? It’s when somebody says Fuzz, Frig, Fudge, when they really mean FUCK! (The exclamation mark was meant for the word, not for the whole sentence in case you’re one of those readers who reads aloud to themselves. Meant to be read in normal voice until the word Fuck, and then you take it up 2 notches). The latest and greatest of substitutions that absolutely drive me crazy is ‘Shut the Front Door!’ This (I’m assuming) is a fun, and supposedly appropriate way of saying ‘Shut the Fuck Up! (Except really only useful with the incredulous voice of disbelief, like you told me you won the lottery and I said a high-pitched, almost question like ‘Shut the Fuck Up!!!! Not useful in the Shut the Fuck Up scenario where I actually want you to Shut the Fuck Up). This is a great way to be funny on TV as far as I can tell, but if you’re not on TV, I have no patience for your ‘Shut the Front Door!’

Why do I like swearing? Isn’t it for people who can’t express themselves with a proper vocabulary? In some cases yes. I would say it adds emphasis that cannot be otherwise added. Well placed and well spaced enough, it can be the perfect addition to a passionate discussion. It’s a feel good thing too right? When you’re frustrated, who doesn’t like a good hard fuck?? (Get your head out of the gutter, I didn’t mean it like that…..but I didn’t delete it either). I just love pulling out my potty mouth to describe unsavoury situations. If done right, it makes things funnier. If done wrong, well at least I got to let out some frustration while my audience judges my choices.

Who could possibly argue that a good ‘Fuck You’ is the perfect thing to say to the victim of your road rage. ‘You’re a bad driver’ just doesn’t cut it. ‘You fucking suck!!!’ hits the nail right on the head. We’re just mammals. Fuck is just a word. Why deny yourselves? It feels fucking spectacular sometimes to just let loose.

I know there’s a time and a place, and I’m not claiming to be the foremost expert on that. My son just turned 2. As much as I badly want him to learn the English language properly, it’s only a matter of time before he picks up something terrible from the old man. I try not to swear around him, but it’s just natural self-expression, and it gets the best of me at times. I feel comfortable around him. I let my guard down sometimes.

What I really wanted to say here is not to use substitutions. It’s far more offensive to me than actual swearing. It just means that in your heart, you wanted to let something out, and you didn’t trust me as your listener. It’s a dishonest form of communication. If your soul had a ‘shut the fuck up’ in it, and all that came out was a ‘shut the front door’, then you didn’t let me in. I don’t respect it. I want the truth from you. I want you to let the crazy out, and not be self-conscious about what people think about it. Those aggressive little stress relievers will lengthen your life too. I’m sure of it.

I know a lot of people find swearing gratuitous. If you think you can offload your aggression without doing it, then you’re a better communicator than me. I would suggest that most people can’t, and the silly little substitutions are just a way of telling me that you wanted to do it, but were too worried about what people would think of you. I hope one day you can break free from your shackles and join the rest of us in saying ‘FUCK THIS SHIT, I WANNA BE FUCKING FREE!!!’ Save your uptightness for something more important.


Spewing Negativity Brings Positivity……Wait, That’s Probably Not True

I got thinking today about how people react to me when I’m stressed out or angry about something. I’ve noticed that some people really like to try to calm me down. I think that’s a nice approach. It’s very thoughtful, and it’s probably how I would approach someone else who was freaking out. I would talk them down. Perhaps I would downplay whatever they were worried about, and bring up poverty as a comparison point. Usually people who aren’t impoverished understand that their problems aren’t as serious as poverty, and in a weird way, it can make them feel better. The right thing to do is to let people know that it’s going to be OK.

Maybe I’m different, but that doesn’t work for me AT ALL. Don’t tell me it’s gonna be OK. Tell me that you agree that it’s going to be a complete shit show! It would be more honest, which I personally appreciate, but more importantly, it allows for more bitching and complaining on my part. This is good. I know it doesn’t seem good to most people. A lot of people with the best of intentions will hear me complaining about something, or getting mad about something else, and try to convince me that everything isn’t as bad as it seems. I think they are trying to get me to stop complaining because it’s making them feel uncomfortable. They’re missing the point though. I LOVE complaining. It’s one of my favourite things to do. It’s one of the reasons I write this blog. I feel like if I’m really bitching up a storm, that I’m actually cleansing myself of negative emotions, and am later able to reset to my regular positive self. Seems straight forward right? Not really.

There are people who will go into a downward spiral if you heap too much negativity on them. It’s good to know who these people are. These are the people who need to be told that it’s gonna be OK. If left to their own devices, they may not figure it out. They may wallow in self-pity, and never come out of it. That could be what their normal reset is. That sucks for them, I don’t know how they survive, but I do my best to help them when possible. I like to come up with ridiculous scenarios to make them realize that their problems could be way worse, and hopefully make them laugh.

Here are some examples of what might happen if you came to me with your problems…..

Sad and depressed person – My boss is an asshole and hates me.

Me – Oh that guy?? Don’t worry about that guy, he’s got warts on his anus the size of Tonka trucks man… He’s got foot fungus man, the bottom of his feet look like broccoli…. That guy’s got nose hair like Rapunzel trying to get the prince up for a visit, don’t worry about that guy…. Ask that guy if he wants you to braid his nose hair before the big meeting….

Sad and depressed person – I’m broke all the time, and can’t get a good job.

Me – Don’t worry man, you’re in North America….. There are people starving in Africa dude….. It’s hot there, it’s not hot here…. If a fly lands on your face, do you have the strength to swat it away??? Yes?? Then you don’t have money problems…. Trust me, you just have to stop spending your money on dumb shit….. Buy a big bag of rice, that shit lasts for weeks….. Dude, do you own shoes??? Then you don’t have money problems, don’t worry about it!

Sad and depressed person – Girls don’t like me.

Me – Not with an attitude like that they don’t… Girls don’t like guys, they like confidence… Be a guy with confidence, and girls will like you…..What girls don’t like you anyways??? Nothing wrong with you, there’s something wrong with them!!! You need to change out that cologne. Do you like you?? Learn to like you, and girls will learn to like you! Be more awesome when possible. You’re awesome now, but if you can be more awesome, that will help.

Sad and depressed person – I just have a general feeling of listlessness, and worry that my life is not turning out the way I thought it would.

Me – WHAAAAAATTTTT????? You live INSIDE!!!! You eat COOKED FOOD!!!! You wear CLOTHES!!!! You have a MOTORIZED VEHICLE!!! You have a portable PHONE that is also a friggin COMPUTER!!! We are NOT AT WAR!! You are NOT GETTING SHOT AT!!! Do you know that you are easily in the top 20 percentile of desirable conditions relative to the rest of the world???? Your life isn’t turning out the way you thought it would??? SO???????? Go make it turn out the way you thought it would!!! What’s wrong with you?? Please don’t piss away your opportunities! This is the best possible situation known to man in the history of the universe. I would love to get a naked kid from the third world to slap you in the face right now………Unless you’re clinically depressed of course….. then you might have to go get some meds for that shit.

Yeah, I guess you shouldn’t come to me with your problems after all 🙂


Badd New Post

That’s what happens when you add a B to Add New Post. I wanted to call this Random Thoughts because that’s all it is, but I probably used that before, and so did every other blogger on WordPress, Blogspot and every other site that allows us to blast the universe with our mental excrement any time we feel the need. What a universe!! Anytime I want to say something to about 200 people including about 24 that I’m absolutely positive give a shit, and 176 or so that possibly do as well, but maybe not, I can do it!! (Hmmmm, do I fix that run on sentence, or just apologize for it in parentheses?) Nothing is here to hold me back other than my own lack of energy.

Some thoughts…..

Yeah, about this blogging thing….. I don’t want to get so negative right before Christmas, but how come I only have 200 followers anyways??? A lot of the bloggers I read have like 2000 followers!! I don’t think they’re 10 times better than me. I think they are probably only marginally better than me. I need to get that exponential thing happening, otherwise….. I dunno……I’m not off on Mondays anymore, and I don’t know how much longer I can push myself to do this every week. Maybe I’ll take a break at 200 posts. That would be one post for each follower. I’m no closer to writing a book than I was when I started this. Unless it’s a book of blogs….Then I’m really close to having it done. I’m running out of blog ideas though. I’m not fishing for inspirational speeches about why I should keep going either… I’m just thinking out loud. This hurts my brain some days.

I think that trailer trash mothers need to not berate their kids so loudly while on public transit. I’m not judging people who live in trailers either. It’s just the stigma…. to be honest, I have no idea where this lady lives, but nothing her 4-year-old was doing was cutting it. ‘Hold on, sit up, stand up, do up your jacket, pick up your scarf, take off your hat, put on your gloves, don’t walk, stand still, sit down, do up your shoes, tuck in your shirt’….. and on and on and on. Dammit woman… stop micromanaging the shit out of your kid on this bus ride, and lower your voice!! Your kid is gonna hate you by the time she’s six! Plus I’m trying to listen to some music. This is my quiet time where I start to unwind from work. I’m not expecting you to be quiet, but stop with the jarring voice noises!! Nothing you’ve said is important enough to say at that volume. You’re acting like you don’t have any stains on your sweatpants, but you aren’t perfect, and all you’re doing is training somebody to be miserable like you. END THE CYCLE!!!

In complete contrast to what I just said, I have another thought which I’d like to share with you. I said this to a friend a couple of years back and he said it helped him. I didn’t remember saying it when he reminded me about it recently, but it makes sense when you think about it, and I was glad he remembered. He asked me about my time working in retail for many years, and how certain bitchy and/or unreasonable customers didn’t fill me with anger to the point of exploding every single day. He wanted to know how I avoided strangling people in these situations. My answer to this is simple. I don’t know their pain. You never know what somebody is going through in their personal life, or how they’ve been treated/mistreated. Sometimes people who’s lives are spiraling out of control can get into customer service situations, and become completely unreasonable to you or I. A lot of times it’s because they can’t control what’s going on in their life, but whatever situation is happening now seems like something they can control and/or get a win out of. I don’t take these situations personally. If somebody is completely unreasonable and un-cooperative, I know deep down that it’s probably because they have other issues outside of this that are making them act that way. I try to find a resolution, and when possible I try to show them some kindness. I try to remember that I’m very fortunate in the grand scheme of things, and I have a really good life. Not everyone is as lucky as me, and if trying to win some sort of weird customer service battle is going to bring them some happiness or satisfaction, I try to let the babies have their bottles. I won’t let it bring me down.

I hope that you can all keep that in mind over the holiday season while you’re elbowing to get to the front of a line, or jostling for a parking spot. People are crazy this time of year, but only they (and sometimes not even) know why! Don’t judge them if you don’t know their pain…… Except for that lady on the bus with her kid…. she needs to take it down a notch 😉

I won’t see you until after Christmas, so I wish all of you (24 or 200 people) a wonderful holiday season. Be good to each other!


People Disappoint Me….. As They Should!

When I was a kid I was vaguely aware that a lot of other kids were a bunch of whiny assholes. I probably was one as well, to be fair. The funny thing is that I always had this sense that the situation would improve as I got older. I don’t know if it was me being optimistic, or just having faith in the theory of people maturing as time moved on. I suppose there are a lot more examples of people growing up, then not, but it’s the ones where they don’t that stick out in my mind. I’m not going to list off all the times that I thought grown adults acted like 6-year-olds. That would take forever, and I just don’t have that kind of time or attention span. I just want to say that as an adult, I’m disappointed when I see other adults behaving like they just started going to school for the ‘full-day classes’. That said, who am I to judge? What did I think was going to happen? We’re the same exact people that we were when we were 6. Just older. Most of us evolved some, but when the pressure’s on, sometimes that ‘inner 6-year-old’ has to take over and weigh in with his/her opinions and antics. It’s probably too much to expect that we could have completely gotten to a point where that doesn’t come out anymore. Could a world full of mature people even exist? What would that be like? It could be awesome, but maybe it would have its own share of problems that I can’t quite foresee. So…. I guess it’s OK?

Politics is my favorite example. When you read about it in the paper, they use fancy words like conjecture, posturing, and semantics. That’s because there are intelligent people writing about a non-intelligent situation. When you watch some coverage of them operating on TV, and these people are some of the most immature we have in society. The way they argue with each other, airing out their pissy little grievances with their selfish little agendas….. forming their little cliques and alliances….these are the people we depend on to run our towns/cities/provinces/states/countries! It’s disappointing. I don’t normally follow politics for this reason. Every time I feel like I might be interested, there’s some display of foolishness and incompetence that I’d rather just not know about, which drives me away. You know what though? They’re people. Not unlike the people in the first paragraph. Except these people are more interested in power, and they want to be shot callers! Oh sure, there are a few martyrs out there too that just give and give and give themselves for the betterment of society (if that’s what you choose to believe), but at the root of it all, none of these people would have had any interest in politics if it weren’t at least somewhat in their nature to want to be shot-callers. You put a bunch of shot-callers in the same room all day, and make the stakes incredibly high, and what do you get?? Conjecture, posturing, and semantics….. all fucking day! What did we expect?

Finally, there’s a story in Toronto about a police officer who shot a suspect carrying a knife 8 times (on 9 shots) and killed him. I feel like this news story plays different in Canada than it would in the States, but the media is all over the police department for excessive violence. As they should be. There has to be a better way to take down a suspect. The way this has all played out in the media has been totally one-sided though. What happened to a person taking some responsibility for being there with a knife in the first place? Also not dropping it when the police told him to? I don’t know the whole back story, and very little has been mentioned about what was really happening at the time the police arrived, but the victim at very least made a decision to carry a knife that day, and the rest isn’t that important to me. I can’t give him advice now, but I will say this to any of you out there that might get into some shit. If you are wielding a knife, and a bunch of cops are there asking you to put it down, you might not be expecting to die at that moment, but you HAVE to respect the fact that it could happen. That’s just common sense. Right or wrong, police are human beings, and it’s not an automatic that you will just get tasered or shot in the leg. If you make them mad, there’s always a chance that you could get lit up. I want to believe that the police are generally good people. I want to believe that they don’t get into situations like that on purpose. They are just people though. Who knows if you got them into a corner, or underneath their skin enough? Everyone has a breaking point. They carry guns. I have a theory that most cops have violent tendencies. I would think that it’s a bit of a requirement for their job. If you are hoping to never be in any type of altercation, than you aren’t likely to try to become a police officer. There has to be something in your personality which suggests that you wouldn’t mind walking around with a gun, and if push came to shove, you wouldn’t mind using it. If this wasn’t the case, why would you become a cop? Oh, I’m sure just as in the above paragraph that there are some absolute saints who become cops just because they want to help clean up the city. For every one of those, there have to be at least one or two tough guys that would love to carry a gun and be an authority figure. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re out there fighting the good fight, but I certainly wouldn’t wave a knife at one of them.


Dogs Don’t Like You

I see lots of people with dogs.  Most people who own dogs are very passionate about it.  I’m sure they’re passionate enough in some cases that I may make enemies here, but it’s time somebody said it.  Your dog doesn’t like you!

Your dog doesn’t like a noose being tied around his neck and being dragged around the neighborhood, and pressured into taking a shit so you can go back inside.

Your dog doesn’t like the crazy smelling food you feed him that are ‘good for his bones and teeth’.

Your dog doesn’t like the roller coaster of emotions involving only throwing a tennis ball around when YOU’re in the mood.

Your dog doesn’t like being under house arrest, and having to make nice with you, the prison guard.  He might make the best of it.  After all, it’s a low security prison compared to the pet store where he was in solitary confinement.

Your dog thinks learning ‘pet tricks’ is demeaning.  He does it because you give him snacks.  Snacks are awesome.  Everybody knows this!  There isn’t, however, a dog in the world that wouldn’t prefer the killer combo of snacks AND dignity.

Your dog doesn’t like living in a neighborhood where people are always passing by the front of the house.  He has to be on high friggin alert at all times!  Do you have any idea how stressful that is?  To not really know imminent danger from just some ordinary dude walking past the front of the house?  Can’t you move to the country or something?

Your dog wants ice cream.  He doesn’t like it when you take him out for ice cream, and don’t give him any.  He wants some.

Finally, your dog probably doesn’t like you.  He may occasionally show you a bit of affection, but it’s what’s commonly known as Stockholm Syndrome.  You see, he has been kidnapped in a way.  Owning a dog is not unlike owning a slave, which is soooooooo frowned upon, but other than the dog not being human, it can be pretty similar.  I would say the experience is not unlike the movie Misery.  The dog being James Caan, you being Kathy Bates.  Don’t you think he’d rather be frolicking around in a forest or a jungle somewhere?  Living by his wits?  Hunting for food?  Instead he’s letting us know when there’s someone at the door, and we feed him Alpo, and maybe give him the odd treat. Then we make him pee outside when the cat gets to do it inside.  Then he just wants to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to rest his little doggy feet, we tell him to get the hell off and sit on the floor, so they don’t get their hair all over our precious furniture.  If you don’t want dog hair in your house, then DON’T HAVE A DOG, STUPID!

The whole thing is hypocritical if you ask me.  I’ll bet there’d be an outrage if I had a Panda holed up at my place eating bamboo shoots out of a can.  Dogs got a raw deal man.  Humans are oppressive creatures.  Not to be trusted.  They’ve set up a whole ‘Dog Industry’.  There’s too much money in pet toys and grooming, and knitted doggie sweaters to set the dogs free.  Even if we knew we were wrong (which I don’t think we do), it’s become too much of a tradition to make little Jimmy think that a furry non-human is the only thing that understands him.  It’s gotta stop.  It’s weird and wrong on like 723 levels.

FREE THE DOGS!!  Stop chopping their balls off so they behave better (On what planet is that something you do to another living organism??)  Let them run wild and free.  I’m gonna get T-Shirts printed!  ‘Puppy Liberation’ will be the first one.  Another one could be ‘Who Let The Dogs………. Never mind, I’m sure that’s taken.

No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.