Tag Archives: Lists

April 11, 2014

The Anti-Bucket List

The greatest thing just happened to my writers block! I have to confess to you faithful readers that sometimes even I have absolutely nothing to say to anyone about anything. In the mornings when I sit here with my coffee, I manage to come up with something as I become more awake. In the evenings when I sit here with my wine, it just doesn’t come easy. So tonight, (and this isn’t the first time I tried this) I went to google to try to find generic blog ideas that I could effectively steal, and make my own for the sake of fulfilling this dreaded self imposed blog quota of one per week. You would be amazed to find out how completely useless this exercise is. It’s bloggers giving other bloggers ideas, but they’re not really ideas, they’re just a shitty set of suggestions about how to blog like….”Write about what you know”…. and…. “Talk about what you’re passionate about”….. I know that assholes!!!! I need a specific concrete idea like “Write about the time a seagull pooped on your shoulder”.

Then I found an actual blog that had actual blog ideas. 50 of them. Some of them weren’t half bad. I chose the Anti-Bucket list which is things I would never do in my lifetime. That’s easy. There’s lots of those, but how do I narrow it down to the most important or interesting ones? I went to http://www.bucketlist.org so that I could find out what some of the most popular bucket list items are, and now I’m going to spend the rest of the evening discrediting them and making fun of them.

1. Learn Archery

At first I thought this said Learn Anarchy which I thought would be fun, but I don’t think I will ever learn archery. I tried it in high school one time. I just remember my gym teacher saying “Keep your elbow straight”, and me saying “IT IS STRAIGHT!!!!!” It went on and on like that.

2. Buy the person behind me a coffee.

One of my pet peeves is people who use the phrase ‘Pay it forward’. They blog about it, they use it in their Facebook updates, they love to be in love with the idea of making the world a better place. Here’s an idea…. Just do what you’re supposed to do in each situation. No more, no less. If everyone does that, the universe will all fall into place. While you’re inside buying a stranger coffee, you’re probably double parked outside. Get a grip.

3. Bungee Jump

No thanks. Plummeting to my death only to not die (providing the equipment works) does absolutely nothing for me. Pure foolishness.

4. Go on an African Lion Safari.

No thanks. Sweating it up in the jungle with a bunch of predators who may or may not eat me depending on my luck does not sound appealing. I’m happy to look at pictures.

5. Collect a jar of dirt from every State.

Then what?

6. Swim with a Whale-Shark

Ummm no.

7. Have a mud fight.

Why on earth would I want to have a mud fight? I don’t like mud, and I don’t like to fight. I would like to have the opposite of a mud fight. What is the opposite of a mud fight? I believe it is eating croissants inside.

8. Attend a Masquerade Ball

I hope I’m never invited to one. I just feel like it’s way too much effort for the way I like to party.

9. Strap a Rocket to a Merry-Go-Round

That’s just stupid.

10. Paint a Mural

You wouldn’t want to see that mural. I can’t even draw stick figures well. It would be stick figures on the mural though. They’d be doing all kinds of random things. Kindergarten kids would do a better job. I think murals are fantastic, but you won’t see me create one.

Well that was a fun exercise. I have to admit, there were some pretty good ideas on that site, and I was hard pressed to find 10 I didn’t want to do, but if there’s one thing I’m good at, it’s not wanting to do things 🙂

11 Comments | tags: Anti-Bucket List, Bucket List, Humor, Humour, Lists, writer's block | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

March 18, 2014

Thoughts And Rants In Jogging Pants – The 100th Post

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I bid you a Happy St. Patrick’s Day indeed! There was a time when this post just wouldn’t have been written until later in the week because I was out at a bar celebrating a ‘drinking holiday’. Tonight, my son was not feeling well, and my wife was playing volleyball, so I am here cleaning up various pukey items, and waiting for the moment when I could finally pour myself a tall can of Guinness (didn’t even plan that, just happened to be in the fridge), and write my 100th post for Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants.

I believe in stopping to smell the flowers! There had to be a celebration of either 2 years a blogger, or 100 posts. This one came first, so we’ll go with it. Not to be weird or self-indulgent, but I’m actually pretty proud of this achievement. Since I started this blog, I’ve done a post every week with the exception of one. Regular readers know this, but my father passed away, and my son was born in the same week, so….. I had some stuff going on. Every other week, I’ve managed to contribute to this blog. I’ve never copped out at less than 500 words either. For a guy that’s never had a reputation for following through on stuff, this could represent a big change for me. Bigger and better things still to come I hope.

Speaking of copping out, I decided that particularly for the benefit of my newer readers, (but also for my own benefit, so I don’t have to burn a good topic this week) I’m going to list of some interesting stats about Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants.

– Being Canadian, I’m not surprised that the majority of my readers are also from Canada. Also not surprised that Americans came in second. England being third and Australia in fourth?? Yeah, they speak English, so it makes sense. India comes in at #5. That is awesome!!! I don’t know anyone in India, but someone over there is enjoying my blog, and I don’t know why it surprises me, but it does, pleasantly! Awesome!

– There is a way on WordPress.com here that I can see what people typed into their respective search engines to find me. Even though I paid extra to have the website thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.com, some people just type those words into Google or whatever, and that’s cool. Some of the ones lower down on the list are pretty interesting though. I’m not suggesting people were trying to find my blog with this combination of words per se, but they did put those combination of words into a search engine, and proceeded to click on my site afterwards. My favourite being “Pissing In Jogging Pants While Sleeping”.

– I just wanted to send a shout out to my #1 commenter. This of course does not count Facebook comments, but actual WordPress comments. Tom Nardone is the guy who comments on my blogs most, and he is quite a talented blogger himself. You can find him at tomnardone.net. You may not agree with anything he says, but you will laugh, and you might concede a few points along the way. Tom, I know you’ll read this….. I DON’T DO THIS FOR ANYONE!! So, feel special 😉

Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Feeling Stress

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

A lot of stuff has been going down at work. I’ve explained it so many times to so many people that I’m tired of thinking about it. While blogging about it may seem like a good idea, and somewhat therapeutic, I’ve decided a different kind of therapy, which is avoiding it altogether! I know you wanna-be psychologists are shaking your head. I know we’re supposed to delve deep into our problems and analyze them and talk about them, but that’s never worked for me. You know what works for me?? Thinking about Jelly Beans, or NFL Football, or stationary, or solar eclipses, or Space Shuttle launches, or Led Zeppelin, or Toffee, or lunch boxes, or hardwood flooring, or board games, or diapers, or Cheetos, or artwork, or laundry detergent, or gift cards etc…….Anything to avoid my problems!

As I was at work the other day feeling like if I was lying on the floor in a pile of my own vomit, that just may be preferable to the day I was having, I realized that there are a lot of things I would rather be feeling than stress. Some of which are desirable. Like love for example. Who wouldn’t want to feel love instead of feeling stress. That’s an absolute NO-Brainer!! The list I have compiled however, are things that aren’t so desirable, but I’d still prefer them to being stressed out all of the time. In no particular order……

– I think I would rather study the tendencies of various insects until I became the foremost expert in the world on these matters. I would really like to nerd it up in my next life. I want to win awards for this.

– I think I would rather be a night-time janitor at a school. I’ve heard that doesn’t pay too bad, and it’s unionized. Minimum supervision, and you wouldn’t have to clean up puke as it was happening because no kids would be there during your shift.

– I think I’ve fought the urge to wear a flourescent sweater long enough. It’s time for me to go where nobody should ever go before or after.

– I think I might rather pick the scabs off of elephant feet.

– I think I would rather plug-in a dot-matrix printer, and put a microphone in front of it, and print a 5 million page document right into my headphones, just to know what it’s like to be alive.

– I think I would rather work in a daycare with 4,000 babies, and my only job would be to clean up milk off the floor. I would have several TV monitors like a weird security guard, and the second milk hit the floor, I’d grab a roll of paper towels and rush off to clean it up. All day, every day! Can’t take a sick day from that job because if the milk stays on the floor for too long, it gets funky!

– I think I would rather take disbelieving people into the eye of a hurricane to prove to them that it isn’t as calm in there as they say. I’ll bet you get whipped around pretty good.

– I think I would rather be the technician inside the ‘It’s a Small World After All’ ride at Disney World, and fix those Disney puppets as needed. I know that doesn’t sound like a bad job, but I’ve had my little boat get stalled in there for a few minutes. It gets creepy after a while.

– I think I’d like to line up a few celebrity chefs to stand in a circle with me in the middle, and tell me how shitty my food is for 8 straight hours every day, making sure that they EMPHASIZE how disappointed they are and how they expected much better.

See?? That was therapeutic!!! I won’t end up doing all of those things though. I’ll just end up doing what I always do when I can’t handle the stress of work anymore….. Go to Vegas 🙂

4 Comments | tags: Humor, Humour, Lists, Stress, Therapy, Work | posted in Humor, Rants

August 12, 2013

50 Things About Me

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I stopped taking the train. So many of my blog topics resulted from craziness I would witness on public transit. I’m out of ideas man…. fresh out! So I decided to cheat a bit this week. You know those annoying surveys that people fill out on Facebook, and then try to get you to fill out?? I decided to fill one of those out and post here for my faithful readers who wanted to get to know me a bit better (as I’m sure it’s totally keeping you up at night that you don’t know me well enough….. or not so much). Some of these surveys were designed for teenagers. They were basic as shit. I had to root through a few lists before I found one that I didn’t hate as much. Questions 2 and 3 grabbed my attention. Right to the point. As I’m writing this, I haven’t even read the rest of the questions, but I promise I will answer them relatively honestly 🙂

1) Favorite object in your room?
My bed…. this is way too easy.

2) Have you ever smoked heroin
No. I haven’t injected it into my veins either.

3) Do you own guns?
No. I’m Canadian.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
What’s Sonic? I’m Canadian.

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Yes. Like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think it’s the best meal you can get for $3.

7) Favorite song?
Electric Relaxation – A Tribe Called Quest

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee

9) Can you do push ups?
I think so, but I wouldn’t know.

10) Can you do a chin up?
As long as we’re just talking about one, then yes.

11) What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring. I don’t wear any other jewelry.

12) do you like blue cheese?
Yes. Love it!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup. ‘wreck’ seems like it would mean a major collision. Only one of those, but I’ve definitely hit stuff with my car on other occasions. In fact, my car is at the body shop as we speak.

14) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
I’m a procrastinator. I’m way more effective when I just do stuff.

15) Middle name?
Sorry, I know I said I’d answer everything, but paranoid about identity theft etc.

16) Name 3 thoughts going through your head at this moment?
Man, I hope this blog doesn’t suck. These questions better get better or this blog is gonna suck. These answers better get better or this blog is gonna suck.

17) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
I was not at a store yesterday, but to make this answer more interesting, if money were no object and I could go back in time, I would have bought a car, a house, and an entertainment system.

18) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Water, coffee, beer.

19) Name 3 foods you eat regularly?
Chicken Wings, Salmon, Steak.

20) Current worry?
That I’ll hate my next job.

21) Current hate right now?
I hate how summer is zipping by at light speed. Summers used to last forever. Every day seems like 5 minutes to me.

22) Do you spend Christmas with extended family?
Yes on my wife’s side. My family is super small, and our extended family is out-of-town.

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
I don’t even remember. I’m pretty sure we were in bed, and I’m not even sure if we were awake. In my defence, I spent many years partying with the best of them, and New Year’s eve was my favourite night of the year to go out, but we just had our son in mid-October, and were sleep deprived, so…… I’m not as lame as I sound.

24) Where would you like to be right now?
Vegas baby.

25) Name three people who will complete this?
Hopefully nobody. This aint no Facebook thing.

26) Do you own slippers?
No.

27) What shirt are you wearing?
A blue and green golf shirt.

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
What am I? A pimp?

29) Can you whistle?
Yes.

30) Which hand do you use to write?
Right.

31) Would you be a pirate?
I’ve been a pirate. On Halloween. I was a pretty kick-ass pirate too, as I recall.

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower, but ‘With or Without You’ by U2 is my song when in the car by myself.

33) Favorite girl’s name?
I don’t have one. Lucky I didn’t have a girl.

34) Favorite boy’s name?
Julian.

35) What’s in your pocket?
Nothing.

36) Last person that made you laugh?
My wife. When we watch baseball together, and the pitching coach comes to the mound to talk to the pitcher, she re-enacts what she thinks they are saying to each other. “Throw strikes!!” “I’ve been trying to throw strikes…. they just haven’t been strikes” “OK, but you need to throw strikes…. so I’m gonna go sit down on the bench, and you start throwing strikes OK?” “Ok, I’ll start throwing strikes”………it goes on and on, but she does a funny voice, and you really have to be there, but trust me, it’s hilarious.

37) Best bed sheets as a child?
I had a Sesame Street pillow which had that front stoop on it. This is pre-Elmo days, but I’m pretty sure Big Bird, Oscar, Grover, Bert & Ernie were there. I would assume I had matching sheets, but I don’t remember the sheets that well.

38) Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I broke my elbow playing basketball. I was driving to the basket, and as I jumped, some short guy under-cut me, and I started to go down head first. Instead of bracing myself right away, I tried to put a little extra English on the lay-up. I ended up cracking my elbow. I did score the basket though. It was spectacular….. but I was in a cast for 6 weeks.

39) Do you love where you live?
Yes. Toronto is one of the greatest cities in the world, and Canada is one of the greatest countries to live in the world. I couldn’t be happier.

40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

41) Who is your loudest friend?
Hard to say. You know what they say if you can’t figure out who the loudest friend is?? It’s you!

42) How many dogs do you have?
Zero. How assumptive was that?

43) Does someone have a crush on you?
Of course. In my mind, dozens of women have crushes on me. It may not be true.

45) Did you notice that there is no number 44?
Yeah. When I copied and pasted the questionnaire, I noticed this question, but I probably would not have noticed otherwise.

46) What is your favorite candy?
I don’t know. Werther’s Originals?? The ones with chocolate on the inside.

47) Favorite Sports Team?Â
Toronto Blue Jays

48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
That I haven’t been to? I was hoping for Switzerland. Although I do have this nasty little Vegas habit, and that is probably where I’ll end up.

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Washing the dishes. FML

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I remembered that my son crawled for the first time last night, and I wondered if he was excited about today.

🙂

6 Comments | tags: 50 Things About Me, Humor, Humour, Lists, personal questions | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

June 18, 2013

Blog Ideas For the Idea-Less Part 2

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’ve always wanted to do a sequel. Well here it is. I’ve got nothing today, but a self-imposed deadline that says I need to produce a blog before day’s end. So, I started Google-ing blog ideas to see if any genius decided to post some generic ones that I could write about, then I thought…… ‘wait a minute’…. this all seems so familiar. I did a blog about blog ideas. All I need to do is go back and read it, and pick my favorite idea. So I did. The only problem is that I didn’t like any of the ideas, or else I would have used them before now. I did however like the idea of blogging about blog ideas.
I’ve decided that I’m going to write down additional ideas for blogs that I will either do in the future, or pay it forward (I absolutely HATE that expression….. saying you’re going to ‘pay it forward’ is trying to take credit for doing something that you should probably just do without patting yourself on the back…. knock it off) by donating these ideas to the blogging community. Blog little bloggers!!!! Blog freely and mightily!!! Give these crappy ideas a home!!!!

Here are the ideas….. Feel free to steal these, and don’t feel like you need to ask permission. Permission is granted…..

– Whole Wheat Bread…. A Black Eye On the Sandwich Community
– Why Pandas Are Totally Overrated
– What To Do If Your Wife Likes Zombie/Vampire Movies And You Don’t
– Why Your First Car Is So Much Better Than Mine Was
– The Itchy Hipster Beard
– I Hate Sand, Saltwater, and Sunshine, but I LOVE The Beach
– How To Handle Your Baby Being Better Looking Than You
– My Secret Mission To Fill Ponds With Golf Balls

Awwww man…. 295 words??? Didn’t I just write a blog about how all blogs should be at least 500 words? I should go in and change it. I think I still can. I’ll change it to say ‘unless you are making lists, which by nature do not require a lot of filler words as they are all titles.’ It’s too late. Too many people have read it. I’m going to start a new list below.

These are potential names for a rock band if I ever start one. I always wanted to be a rock star, but it was one of about 7000 things I wanted to do. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, and I have no musical ability, so it’s a long shot at best. I have thought long and hard about band names though. Here’s a sampling……

– Electrical Thug Outlets
– Paranoid Gerbils
– Discreet 2nd Mortgage
– The Founding Mothers
– Tapedeck Wristband
– Devastating Sockpuppets
– Scurvy Pimples
– Leadpipe Tenderness
– Skintag Army Boots
– Picnic Casket
– Stucco Surprise
– The Ironic Glue Guns
– Sweatsock Machismo
– Rancid Daisy Experience
– Unsexy Vampires
– Rolling Credits Plot Twist
– Inbox Spam & Eggs
– The Jolly Ranchers of Grave Concern
– Thundamentals
– Rusty Barf Bags
– Dan’s Still In Distress
– Frog Penis
– Jim Jevitis
– Scrap Metal Ninja Star
– Cryptic Crochet
– Depresso Machine

504… Phew…. I probably could go on, but I’m pretty sure I could get wildly famous with one of the above band names. Now I just need to start playing the guitar.

4 Comments | tags: Blog Ideas, Blogging, Humor, Lists, Rock Band Names | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

April 23, 2013

25 Random Things About Myself

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

My wife thought it was cool that her friend had once posted a list like this somewhere (Facebook I guess). I’m 10 minutes from missing out on doing my Monday blog, and I was sifting through notes to self on my Blackberry looking for inspiration. I write notes to myself now when I think of something that’s funny, or a good blog topic. I only started doing this last year. It’s a shame because I was coming up with great ideas for 37 years before that, and I can’t remember any of them right now. If I could give advice to a younger creative person, it would be to write down your ideas. You always think you’ll remember them later, but chances are you won’t. Especially if you’re a space cadet like me.

Anyways….. my wife rolled in 5 minutes ago and gave me a blog idea right at the exact moment that I needed one, and while it’s not an original concept, it’s different for every person that does it, since we are all individuals, and no 2 of us are the same (like snowflakes…… or scabs). What I like about it most is that it allows me to write without any continuity which would have required a lot more energy than I have, and I do love a good list, so without further mindless padding of the word-count, I bring you….

25 Random Things About Me

1. My name is Ryan. I’m 38 years old. I tell people that I popularized the name Ryan. If you’d like to refute that claim, go ahead and try to collect evidence. Think of all the Ryans you know that are over 38. Write that number down. Now think about the Ryans you’ve heard about that are under 38. I promise that there’s way more. Way more!! Why? I don’t want to appear arrogant, but the proof is in the pudding. Check the stats!!

2. I was a Boy Scout when I was a kid. I went to meetings hoping that a game of Dodgeball would break out. Sometimes it did. I used to be embarrassed about this. Now I’m not. I’m proud that I could go into the wilderness and survive for 3 or 4 hours, and I owe it all to the Boy Scouts.

3. When I was a kid I would drink a tall cold glass of milk when I got thirsty. Gross.

4. I have over 13,000 songs on my iPod. That’s a pretty serious music collection by most standards. I’m proud of this. I should have been a DJ. It’s one of about 13,000 things I wanted to do with my life.

5. I’ve worked as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant before. We only had like 3 or 4 customers that would come in during lunch hour. One girl always ordered chocolate milk (in a Chinese restaurant??), and I would run out the back door, across a busy intersection to the convenience store, buy one, run back, pour it in a glass, and bring it out to her. I did this every day. What can I say? She was a regular!

6. I am a sports fanatic!

7. I’m not anywhere near as judgemental in real life as I am in my blog.

8. I hate all new stuff that people like. I like all old stuff that I like.

9. You know when you’re a kid and people tell you that other people tease you because they like you? I never got that. Now that I’m older, I tease people because I like them.

10. As previously documented on an earlier blog or two, 6 months ago my father passed away unexpectedly 3 days before my son (his first grandchild) was born. That fucks with me every single day, and it’s every bit as bad as it sounds. Still, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did. It was a privilege.

11. My wife, son and I occasionally have random dance parties when he’s in the Jolly Jumper. I don’t think I’m overstating it, but this kid is a dancing prodigy! If I put a Youtube compilation together it would go viral instantly. I’m sure of it. I respect his privacy too much for that though.

12. I’m a procrastinator. To prove this, I intentionally posted this blog on a Tuesday instead of a Monday. (See what I did there? I tried to make it look intentional that I’m a day late?? Like it was an example of procrastination?? Genius!! Oh….. you didn’t fall for it??)

13. My clothes have to match. They don’t have to be ‘in season’ or ‘in style’, but goddamnit they better co-ordinate because life is too short to wear a black belt with brown shoes.

14. When it was clear that VHS machines were on their way out, I started buying up a bunch of movies for cheap thinking that I would purchase one of the last VCRs ever made, and ride it out with my collection of awesome movies I paid almost nothing for. That hasn’t happened as of yet.

15. I think Twitter is the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen #justwrongonsomanylevels #dontreallygiveashitwhatpeoplehavetosayevery10seconds #yourfeedbackoneverylittlefuckingthingoutthereissounimportant
That being said, follow me @T_A_R_I_J_P! I will let you know every time I post a blog, and I will do sweet little else aside from the odd obligatory comment to make my Twitter widget on my blog page seem like there’s some action on it.

16. I’m having a difficult time coming up with 25 things because I just realized I could be blowing 25 potential blog topics by doing this. I’m going to have to make the rest of these more nondescript. Maybe like a generic internet dating profile.

17. I love to laugh.

18. I love long walks on the beach. This has to be my favourite dating cliché. Who says that? I mean, I know everyone does love long walks on the beach, what’s not to love, but how could that possibly be in the top 5 or 10 things you love to do.

19. I just wish Canadians and Americans would spell everything the fucking same!! Fuuuuuck!! I hate spell check on here. It’s American, but I instinctively spell things the Canadian way, but I have a lot of readers from both countries. It’s the same word idiots!!! Why could the forefathers not just have gotten together on this??

20. I love the Toronto Maple Leafs the way you love your oldest friend. You maybe don’t see each other all the time, but when they need you, you’re there. I don’t watch a lot of the games anymore, but when they make the playoffs (which they just did for the first time in 9 years), I’m there. By the way, before any Leaf fans come out of the woodwork and make ‘bandwagon’ comments, I’ve been following this team since Borje Salming and Ian Turnbull were manning the blue line, and Bunny Laraque was in net. I’ve watched every steaming pile of shit team they’ve ever put together. Don’t question my loyalty because I no longer watch them all the time. I did it for my own sanity!

21. I do have a soft spot for ‘girlie drinks’. They taste better, and I don’t suffer from the bullshit bravado that would have you drink hard liquor to prove you’re a man. You have to drink that shit for 5 years before it tastes good, and I don’t have 5 years.

22. I wear boxer briefs. I cannot imagine a scenario where boxers or briefs would be an acceptable substitute.

23. I had quite a few teddy bears when I was a kids. I know that’s not the manliest thing in the world to admit, but they’re stuffed animals….. cute and cuddly…. who wouldn’t like that??? Get over it!

24. My first part-time job was at KFC. Sometimes when you work at a fast food place, you get sick of that food. Many years later my eyes still light up when someone talks about the greasy heart stopping deliciousness that is Kentucky Fried Chicken. No I don’t know what the 11 herbs and spices are. I’m pretty sure it’s flour and the first 11 that you find when you reach into the spice rack.

25. I really did not know how hard this would be. I had to do it over 2 sessions. It made me realize that I don’t like talking about myself as much as I like talking about other people, and my opinions of their poor behaviour. That said, I hope you enjoyed this random little slice of my life. Who wants to hang out with me now? 😉

12 Comments | tags: Humor, Lists, me, Random, Toronto Maple Leafs, Twitter | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

November 12, 2012

Blog Ideas for the Idea-Less

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Google is always perfect for sort of almost giving you what you might need in some situations. Consistently! All I need today is a proper idea for a blog topic. I’ve promised not to do a parenting blog, but have done nothing in the past week other than work and parenting, eating and sleeping. I don’t blog about work as I like to keep that separate. Oh the blogs I could write about eating and sleeping……. but perhaps not as interesting for everyone else.

So here I was, stuck with no topic, and not really even able to think of one at the last-minute like usual. So I enlisted the help of the Google search engine, hoping I could find a good Blog Topic. One link suggested all these different formats like ‘instructional’, ‘inspirational’, and ‘lists’. Dude!!! That’s not an idea. That’s a format! If I want to write an inspirational blog, I still need to be inspired. You’ve solved nothing. Next link…..There were ideas like ‘behavioural disorders’, ‘How to train for a triathlon’, ‘interior design’. These I’ll admit, are better ideas, but I don’t know about these things. You need to be an expert to write blogs like that. I’m not an expert on anything.

I want ideas…. you know…. short-term fixes!! Something where I can say, ‘oh yeah, I’ll just write about that’. No research. No homework. Just fresh blog post ideas!

Like the following……..

– ‘The Time Jimmy the Martian Stubbed His Toe on the Bike Rack’

– ‘Why Celery has Destroyed the Middle Class’

– ‘How to Avoid Paper Cuts at Your New Job in the Photo Copy Room While Moonlighting Part Time at the Bookstore’

– ‘Reasons Why None of Madonna’s Ex Husbands Will be the Next U.S. President’

– ‘Why I Refuse to Believe that Hot Latinas Hang Out At the YMCA, Contrary to the Information on the Bus Posters’

– ‘Celebrating mediocrity With Gusto’ or…… ‘Celebrating Gusto with mediocrity’

– ‘Sesame Street – The Pre-Elmo Years’

– ‘Crocodile Tears vs. Crocodile Boots’

– ‘Plantar Fasciitis… the Next Plague’

– ‘Cereal Killers on the Loose’

– ‘Surreal Killers on the Loose’

– ‘Serial Killers, Captured and Locked Up’

– ‘How Does Santa Have Time to Visit So Many Friggin Malls?’

– ‘Not Having a Blog Idea is a Great Idea’

– ‘What the Fuck is up With Cottage Cheese??? Aint No Cheese Like That at Any Cottage I’ve Ever Been To’

– ‘Hot Yoga Mats and Why You Should Stop Acting Like One’

– ‘More Baking and Less Blogging – A Baking Blogger’s Family Plea’

– ‘The Rise and Fall of the Bobblehead’

– ‘How Lamar Odom Married a Kardashian and Almost Instantly Became the Shittiest Basketball Player on the Planet’

– ‘My Philanthropy, and Why it Would be the Perfect Name for a White Wine’

– ‘List Blogs, and How You Should Probably End Them Before The Ideas get Really Bad’

To any bloggers reading this. If you think any of these ideas aren’t completely terrible, you’re welcome to them.

11 Comments | tags: Blog Ideas, Blogging, Google, Humor, Humour, Lists, Search Engines | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

September 17, 2012

My Top 20 ‘Do Not Play’ Song List for Weddings

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There are a lot of people who are into technology and have calendared the launch date of the new Iphone. People that can tell you about cars and all of the pros and cons of purchasing each model. People that know about literature, and have a million books, and know which ones are being adapted into screenplays. People that know the history of the British Royal Family and who all the important political figures are in all of the countries all over the world. I don’t know about these things, but if we’re playing Trivial Pursuit, and the topic is music, you better hope I’m on your team. I love music! All kinds too. I know as much about Hip Hop as I do about Rock and Roll, and most things in between. If I don’t know I’m curious to find out. I’m a sponge! The question that comes up with family and friends is ‘can I get paid for such proficient use of that part of my brain?’ The answer would be ‘not to this point’. If you don’t care about music, and we are in a ‘musical situation’ together, then I am annoying. If you love music, and we are in a ‘musical situation’ together, then I am awesome, and so are you!

What’s a ‘musical situation’ you ask??? For me it’s every waking moment, but for most people it would be a concert, car ride, grocery store (they always have adult contemporary or 80s music playing….it’s the only reason I go), cleaning the home, and the most obvious ones which are going out to a bar/night club or for those that don’t go to those places, there’s a type of bar/night club that everyone goes to which I like to call a ‘wedding reception’. Yes, once all the awkward speeches and kissing games are done, and the food is eaten, there is only one man who can bring home a good wedding, and that’s your wedding DJ.

In second place behind top 40 radio, the wedding DJ is the lowest common denominator of ‘musical situations’. I don’t want to paint them all with the same brush, but time after time, wedding after wedding, they encourage me to paint them with the same brush. They do this by having the same mediocre playlist of ‘safe’, reception appropriate, multi generation compatible music that every other wedding DJ has. As a real music fan this sickens me. It’s not because I think a wedding is the time for a DJ to pull out all the tricks and start ‘digging through the crates’ so to speak. You do have an audience that has a huge range in age, so you kind of have to play to everybody, which can be a tricky proposition. So what they’ve done over the years is found songs that work in those situations, and created a formula for success. In any business, this makes perfect sense. Being a wedding DJ definitely makes you a business person, but being a DJ SHOULD also make you an artist. Art and business typically don’t mix very well, and only in the rarest of circumstances can an artist stay true to his/her art, and still make money. The compromised product is often what works best.

While I’m understanding of their limitations and expectations, I would still like to see wedding DJs to take some chances. Play some stuff that I didn’t hear a week ago at the last wedding I was at. You’ll know if you’ve taken it too far, and you can always bring it back to what works, but there are thousands of songs out there that can work in these situations, yet I seem to only hear the same 30 or 40 over and over again. As someone who loves music as much as I do, the repetition hurts my soul.

My wedding DJ did a pretty good job. He came over to my condo and allowed me to lecture him on music for 4 hours (I’d gone to high school with him, so we caught up a bit too). He was very patient with me. He nodded like he was listening, and when my wedding day came, while I’m not sure he remembered everything I told him, he held his own up there, and kept the party going without really offending me in any way with his selections. One of the things he did do, which I thought was pretty awesome, was asked me to make a list of 20 songs I had to hear, and 20 more for him to not play under any circumstances. Now, I can’t remember if he played all 20 of the songs I wanted to hear or not, but he definitely didn’t play the ones that I didn’t want to hear, and that was even more important in a way. I just didn’t want to hear the same generic songs that I hear at all the other weddings, so those made my list.

For your consideration, here are the 20 songs that I hate (but always end up) hearing at wedding receptions. Some comments are included. This is not necessarily in order of hatred, but rather which ones jumped into my head first.

1. Celebration by Kool & The Gang ( I get it….. we’re celebrating……I love Kool & The Gang too. How about ‘Get Down On It’ or ‘Jungle Boogie’)

2. Holiday by Madonna (Madonna has 30 years of danceable hits….Why this one every time?)

3. Dancing Queen by Abba (Same comment as above but only 10 years)

4. Macarena by Los Del Rio (You will only hear this at weddings now…. hate songs with dances made up for them…. hate any form of line dancing)

5. Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas (Same comment as above)

6. Who Let the Dogs Out? by The Baha Men (They used to play the original version of this song at the clubs, and we liked it ok, but when the Baha Men re-did it, it became #3 on Rolling Stone Magazine “Most Annoying Songs Ever” poll. So if you’re a wedding DJ, and this information is available to you, why would you keep playing it??? It’s horrible!!!! You’re horrible!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!)

7. Love Train by The O’ Jays (I actually love this song, but people tend to start a conga line when it comes on, and then they want to come around to every table, and there’s always some drunk member of the fun police that wants to get you up out of your seat to join the stupidity. Fuck off and let me enjoy my beer and my social awkwardness!)

8. Conga by Miami Sound Machine (Same comment as above)

9. Mambo #5 by Lou Bega (I want to stab myself with my dessert fork every time I hear this )

10. Swing the Mood by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers (This is a lazy-ass DJ way to play a bunch of swing songs all at the same time in hopes that some of the older people will feel like he ‘played to them’, but if your DJ was a master mixer himself, then he wouldn’t need to resort to this bullshit.)

11. Follow Me by Aly Us (As far as classic house goes, this is a great song, but at a Filpino wedding, everyone on the dance floor starts doing the ‘bus stop’, and if you don’t know that dance, or don’t feel like line dancing, it’s a good time to grab a drink.)

12. YMCA by The Village People (Wedding DJs get off easy, b/c they play to the drunkest of crowds. Who would tolerate this song if sober?)

13. TIE – Anything from the Grease Soundtrack (This just sucks the life out of me)

14. Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson (I’ll take some Michael at a wedding, but not this one anymore)

15. Single Ladies by Beyonce (I wonder if it’s bouquet toss time? I don’t really see any way of avoiding this one though)

16. We Are Family by Sister Sledge (You can celebrate with your family without this cue, thanks)

17. Le Freak by Chic (It sounds like I’m picking on Disco here, and I’m not really. I’m merely picking on the lack of originality by wedding DJs. A lot of these songs would be better if I didn’t hear them all the time. I probably prefer this stuff to current pop music like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, but a lot of these Disco songs have been getting played out for the last 35 years. If they are playing Lady Gaga at weddings 35 years from now, I’ll make a new list)

18. Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler (I figured I’d include a few of the slow songs that drive me nuts. This one is almost always the father/daughter dance. I don’t want to sound un-sentimental (if that’s a word), but I can’t take any more of this song.)

19. TIE Anything by Shania Twain or Celine Dion (As a proud Canadian it disappoints me to do this, but no more please)

20. Baby Got Back by Sir-Mix-A-Lot (Oh my god Becky, look at her butt)

Maybe I’ve missed some!! Do you have a played out wedding reception song that makes you shoot poisonous glare darts toward an unsuspecting, ‘mailing it in’ Wedding DJ??? I’d love to hear them!

12 Comments | tags: Humor, Humour, Lists, Music, Wedding DJs, Wedding Receptions, Weddings | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 10, 2012

11:24 Thoughts for your consideration

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

First of all let me say this. I don’t think anybody that really knows me including myself thought that I would blog this many Mondays in a row. I really thought after 4 or 5 weeks I’d start to slack. I’ve done about 12 blogs (I say about, because I’m not going to switch pages to check the exact number….. it’s not about the number, it’s about the fact that I think the number is big), and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many people have read, and claimed to enjoy them. I feel responsible to give you some water cooler talk worthy mind candy to suck on…..but it’s 11:24 pm. I’m sleepy. I played 18 holes of golf, and played in a basketball game later. You must think I’m quite an athlete. I’ll let you continue to think that. I didn’t want to write just any old sloppy blog that only had one or two paragraphs. I didn’t want to resort to pictures. I just wanted to continue the streak so I could live to blog another day.

So here’s what I’ve decided. I’ve gone through some of my Facebook status updates, as well as come up with a few new ones that seem worthy to give you my list of

10 THOUGHTS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION (in no particular order of importance)

1. To be BI and POLAR would make you one interesting bear.

2. I’d take vacation accrual over a cruel vacation.

3. Why at the Pie Eating Contest in the movie ‘Stand By Me’ was EVERYBODY’s vomit purple, even if they hadn’t had any pie?

4. Hipsters look like rejects from a WHAM! video audition…… just sayin’

5. Until dogs stop sniffing crotch, asshole, and shitting on the ground, they should not be allowed to enter retail stores.

6. I’m tired of what some athlete or entertainer said on their twitter page being reported on the fucking news. That’s not news, it’s gossip. Do your fucking jobs news-people. You suck!

7. Man…… It’s 11:47, there’s no way I’m coming up with 4 more of these in the next 13 minutes….. C’mon man, you can do it…… just like high school. OK…… I hate it when people make lists and then cop out at number 7 and just say a bunch of random shit, and try to pass it off as one of the 10 things he promised to blow your mind with. It was supposed to be like Candy.

8. I really think that the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches children that racism and prejudice is OK, as long as Christmas gets saved. It’s appalling if you really listen.

9. Mojito flavoured beer is ridiculous. If you’re beer is so shitty that you need to make it taste like a mojito, then you’re on the wrong track. Even dumber are the people that buy it. If you’re in the mood for mojito, make a mojito, case closed. There’s no logical explaination for mojito beer!!

10. Ever notice that when David Letterman does his top 10 list, that the last one is never one of the better ones, and it ends up being anti climactic?

10 Comments | tags: Blogging, Facebook, Humor, Humour, Lists, Sleepy, Streak | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

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Blog Ideas For the Idea-Less Part 2

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Blog Ideas for the Idea-Less

My Top 20 ‘Do Not Play’ Song List for Weddings

11:24 Thoughts for your consideration

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