A lot of stuff has been going down at work. I’ve explained it so many times to so many people that I’m tired of thinking about it. While blogging about it may seem like a good idea, and somewhat therapeutic, I’ve decided a different kind of therapy, which is avoiding it altogether! I know you wanna-be psychologists are shaking your head. I know we’re supposed to delve deep into our problems and analyze them and talk about them, but that’s never worked for me. You know what works for me?? Thinking about Jelly Beans, or NFL Football, or stationary, or solar eclipses, or Space Shuttle launches, or Led Zeppelin, or Toffee, or lunch boxes, or hardwood flooring, or board games, or diapers, or Cheetos, or artwork, or laundry detergent, or gift cards etc…….Anything to avoid my problems!
As I was at work the other day feeling like if I was lying on the floor in a pile of my own vomit, that just may be preferable to the day I was having, I realized that there are a lot of things I would rather be feeling than stress. Some of which are desirable. Like love for example. Who wouldn’t want to feel love instead of feeling stress. That’s an absolute NO-Brainer!! The list I have compiled however, are things that aren’t so desirable, but I’d still prefer them to being stressed out all of the time. In no particular order……
– I think I would rather study the tendencies of various insects until I became the foremost expert in the world on these matters. I would really like to nerd it up in my next life. I want to win awards for this.
– I think I would rather be a night-time janitor at a school. I’ve heard that doesn’t pay too bad, and it’s unionized. Minimum supervision, and you wouldn’t have to clean up puke as it was happening because no kids would be there during your shift.
– I think I’ve fought the urge to wear a flourescent sweater long enough. It’s time for me to go where nobody should ever go before or after.
– I think I might rather pick the scabs off of elephant feet.
– I think I would rather plug-in a dot-matrix printer, and put a microphone in front of it, and print a 5 million page document right into my headphones, just to know what it’s like to be alive.
– I think I would rather work in a daycare with 4,000 babies, and my only job would be to clean up milk off the floor. I would have several TV monitors like a weird security guard, and the second milk hit the floor, I’d grab a roll of paper towels and rush off to clean it up. All day, every day! Can’t take a sick day from that job because if the milk stays on the floor for too long, it gets funky!
– I think I would rather take disbelieving people into the eye of a hurricane to prove to them that it isn’t as calm in there as they say. I’ll bet you get whipped around pretty good.
– I think I would rather be the technician inside the ‘It’s a Small World After All’ ride at Disney World, and fix those Disney puppets as needed. I know that doesn’t sound like a bad job, but I’ve had my little boat get stalled in there for a few minutes. It gets creepy after a while.
– I think I’d like to line up a few celebrity chefs to stand in a circle with me in the middle, and tell me how shitty my food is for 8 straight hours every day, making sure that they EMPHASIZE how disappointed they are and how they expected much better.
See?? That was therapeutic!!! I won’t end up doing all of those things though. I’ll just end up doing what I always do when I can’t handle the stress of work anymore….. Go to Vegas 🙂