Category Archives: Uncategorized

Things a bird would rather do

I was on the golf course today.  I didn’t play well.  In fact, a better way to describe it would be to say that the course kicked my ass today!  During a bad round of golf you have lots of time to think.  If you’re on a nice golf course (which I was today courtesy of a friend who had won free foursome at a previous tournament he played in), you are bound to think once or twice about how beautiful nature can be (provided it’s not raining).

I saw a bird today just soaring in the wind.  I’ll call him a hawk because he was black with a huge wingspan, but to be honest I don’t differentiate birds well.  This hawk was cruisin’ man…..  he was just swayin’ in the breeze.  Not flapping his wings at all, just going whichever way the wind took him.  Just relaxing.  Just being free.  For about 10 minutes (like any normal person) I thought ‘wow man’……..imagine being that free.  Up in the sky without a care in the world just soaring.  Beautiful!  Then for the rest of the day I thought about this……

I’ll bet birds fuckin hate flying around all the time.  It seems great to us because we can’t do it.  I’ll bet a bird would give anything to walk as briskly as a human can walk or operate a motorized vehicle.  Or go inside when it’s raining.  All birds can do is fly around.  They eat worms.  I feel like they would absolutely love to sit at a table and enjoy a nice steak dinner with a bottle of Cabernet.  They build nests, but if they could purchase a 2000 square foot home pre-construction and have the thing built for them, I think they would.  They communicate with each other with their bird-calls, but do you know how hard it is to hear someone when the wind is blowing in your little bird ears and you’re flying around?  I’m sure they would love to own cell phones to talk or text.

It’s funny how we think our lives suck so badly, and we’re always so sure that the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes it would be nice to fly away from an awkward conversation.  Yes it would be amazing to shit on somebody’s car if you didn’t like them.  My favourite bird activity would be to sit on an electrical wire and say ‘haha fuckers…. you can’t do this!!!!’

Birds can fly which is pretty cool, granted.  Can they breakdance?  Can they tell jokes?  Can they go to the movies?  Can they write in Calligraphy?  Can they go out for ice cream?  (Trick question, they absolutely can, but they cannot purchase it… they must wait for it to be spilled.)  Can they play Twister?  Can they take a business class?  Can they wear basketball shoes?  Can they do laundry?  (No, but score a point for them) Can they use the internet?  Can they make smoothies?  The answer is no!

To tie this all together beautifully, I’d like to suggest that maybe being human isn’t so bad after all.  Particularly in the first world.  Is there a strong allure to making a lot of noise with no repercussion, and hanging out with your friends anywhere at anytime?  Yes they both interest me, but I think most of you would have to admit that being a bird, while cool for a few minutes, would generally be undesirable in comparison to being human.  That’s all I’m saying.  I know this isn’t a huge burning debate or anything, but I thought I’d weigh in.

On a sidenote, I can’t eat salmon without thinking I’m going to puncture my throat with little fish bones and choke to death.  However salmon is delicious so I brave through the anxiety.  Now you know something about me 🙂

That is all.


No please, really…. inconvenience me!!! Life really is all about you, I swear!

On the bus/streetcar/subway………

I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough on this bus to bring your take-out food, and eat a full-on meal here in front of me.  I think this is an important step in our relationship as complete strangers.  Ohhh the aroma, what is that??  Maybe you could give me the address of the place where you picked that up.  I’m so interested in your dining experience, I just wish there was something I could do to make you more comfortable.  Maybe I could stand, so you could put your food down.  Maybe I have napkins in my pocket.  I can’t believe this stupid bus doesn’t have a drink holder for you.  It’s so innovative of you to think of eating here, and providing a dual purpose for this vehicle which until you got here was only good for transportation.

I love the way you put your makeup on while riding the subway.  It’s amazing that I’m able to witness the entire transition on my commute to work in the morning.  It’s not just lipstick with you, is it?  You’ve got the whole case here.  This is going to be valuable for me to see you do this in a moving vehicle no less. I’ll cross my fingers while you do your eye makeup.  I hope you’re done before I get to work so I can see the finished product.  I know you’ll look like an absolute princess when you’re done and it means a lot to me that you allowed me to see the blank canvas first, and that now I know how it must feel to be inside of your bathroom.  No really…. Thank you!  I feel closer to you!

Dude, that seat on the bus that you’re on is really a 2-seater.  I mean it’s a love seat.  It only makes sense for you to sprawl out.  It’s important to me that you’re as relaxed and comfortable as possible.  There’s only an off chance that someone else would want to sit in the other seat, and besides…. you got here first!  You and your friend are chillin hard right now, so it’s only sensible that you re-create the conditions of your living room.  You should really talk louder too.  I don’t know if your buddy can hear you over the annoying rumbling of the train engine, and the other people on the train.  You should really sit as far apart from each other as possible, because you’re saying some really interesting deep stuff right now, and I think the rest of the train can benefit from hearing it.  Thank you for being open and generous with your thoughts.  You’re really making the rest of us feel welcome.

Oh and the guy with the iPod???  You are groovin up a storm.  The way you’re actually rapping some of the lyrics out loud is like entertainment for me.  You are mad talented, and I feel like Drake is right here on the subway train.  I might need an autograph after this.  How can I get that song on my iPod?  The way you’re doing a live rendition of it???  I should be so lucky to have live entertainment on my work commute.  I didn’t even have to pay for a ticket.  Man…. you’re dancing like nobody’s watching!!!!  That is philosophically in alignment with every bit of ‘life advice’ I’ve ever received.  I can only hope that some day I might have the courage to do the same.  You inspire me!!

NOT


11:24 Thoughts for your consideration

First of all let me say this.  I don’t think anybody that really knows me including myself thought that I would blog this many Mondays in a row.  I really thought after 4 or 5 weeks I’d start to slack.  I’ve done about 12 blogs (I say about, because I’m not going to switch pages to check the exact number….. it’s not about the number, it’s about the fact that I think the number is big), and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many people have read, and claimed to enjoy them.  I feel responsible to give you some water cooler talk worthy mind candy to suck on…..but it’s 11:24 pm.  I’m sleepy.  I played 18 holes of golf, and played in a basketball game later.  You must think I’m quite an athlete.  I’ll let you continue to think that.  I didn’t want to write just any old sloppy blog that only had one or two paragraphs.  I didn’t want to resort to pictures.  I just wanted to continue the streak so I could live to blog another day.

So here’s what I’ve decided.  I’ve gone through some of my Facebook status updates, as well as come up with a few new ones that seem worthy to give you my list of

10 THOUGHTS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION (in no particular order of importance)

1.  To be BI and POLAR would make you one interesting bear.

2.  I’d take vacation accrual over a cruel vacation.

3.  Why at the Pie Eating Contest in the movie ‘Stand By Me’ was EVERYBODY’s vomit purple, even if they hadn’t had any pie?

4.  Hipsters look like rejects from a WHAM! video audition…… just sayin’

5.  Until dogs stop sniffing crotch, asshole, and shitting on the ground, they should not be allowed to enter retail stores.

6.  I’m tired of what some athlete or entertainer said on their twitter page being reported on the fucking news.  That’s not news, it’s gossip.  Do your fucking jobs news-people.  You suck!

7.  Man…… It’s 11:47, there’s no way I’m coming up with 4 more of these in the next 13 minutes…..  C’mon man, you can do it…… just like high school.  OK…… I hate it when people make lists and then cop out at number 7 and just say a bunch of random shit, and try to pass it off as one of the 10 things he promised to blow your mind with.  It was supposed to be like Candy.

8.  I really think that the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches children that racism and prejudice is OK, as long as Christmas gets saved.  It’s appalling if you really listen.

9.  Mojito flavoured beer is ridiculous.  If you’re beer is so shitty that you need to make it taste like a mojito, then you’re on the wrong track.  Even dumber are the people that buy it.  If you’re in the mood for mojito, make a mojito, case closed.  There’s no logical explaination for mojito beer!!

10.  Ever notice that when David Letterman does his top 10 list, that the last one is never one of the better ones, and it ends up being anti climactic?


The popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and before you read too far, this is not about popcorn kernels being stuck in my teeth only to be found and removed professionally.  It’s more a metaphor for minor annoyances that have been accumulating in my brain (plaguing my existence).  Probably not worth logging on to Facebook or Twitter to update my status (no, I don’t have those apps for my phone…… I don’t have any apps for my phone…… I keep thinking if I ignore technology long enough, it will go back to the way it was……. no??…… not happening??…….it’s just gonna get worse???…..damn..).  I was hoping if I had enough random thoughts, that the whole could be greater than the sum of its parts since I really didn’t think of a humdinger of a topic to stick with for the entire blog.

So I awoke this morning and decided it was time to reach back in the closet and pull out my funniest tee-shirt.  It’s a picture of a gingerbread man with a broken leg.  The caption says “Oh Snap!”  I giggled like a 12-year-old girl when I bought it.  The punchline is funny enough but you have to see the look of concern on his little face.  He knows there’s no surgery that’s bringing that leg back, but while enduring the most horrible physical pain he’s ever gone through, he has the levity to deliver a quality tee-shirt punchline.  How could my day be anything short of amazing now.  I did some background research for this paragraph (to make sure it wasn’t from a movie or something) and apparently the “Oh Snap” Gingerbread man makes an appearance on coffee mugs.  One of the sites I googled referred to this as ‘Cookie Humor’, a concept I was unaware of, but now find myself curious about.  Just off the top of my head, if I had to come up with ‘Cookie Humor’ tee-shirts I would start with a picture of Chewbacca with a bunch of brown spots all over him and call it ‘Chocolate Chip Wookies’.  (Shazzzammmmm….. I know I shouldn’t celebrate my jokes, but c’mon, that shit was gold)

Moving along to the rants…….

I hate it when the chick at the drive thru takes your order, and is waiting for you when you arrive at the window, and then acts annoyed that you don’t have your money ready yet.  “Bitch, I was driving!!”………

I got this one from a buddy.  Union Station in Toronto was flooded the other day due to heavy rains, and my friend saw a guy berating a transit employee because ‘This is Toronto, and it’s unacceptable!!’, as if the guy made it rain and is now really happy about standing knee-deep in it trying to clean up.  Lighten up jerk off!………

Body odor on the bus is my next thing.  I talk about this all the time.  I’m ok with the old man who pissed himself.  It smells, but he’s old, and sometimes when your old, you have to piss yourself, and it’s terrible, but I don’t judge.  I’m ok with the homeless people who smell.  I hate being around it, but I understand that when you’re homeless, B.O. is the least of your worries, so I tolerate it.  However, when I see a guy who I know has a job and a home, and he smells because he doesn’t shower often enough or wear deodorant, and I’m stuck with him on the bus???  It drives me nuts.  deodorant $5.  Axe Spray $5, FANCY Soap $5, Regular Soap way less, not ruining my friggin bus ride to work????  Priceless……….

Even though I’m so quick to complain about people, I don’t come from a family of malcontents, so when I hear my father make fun of someone I LOVE it because he’s such a nice guy, and it’s just not in his nature.  This is for all you golfers out there with more money than brains.  We love waiting behind you at the first tee watching you brag about all your golf equipment, decked out in the finest golf apparel, opening the new package of balls which promises more distance on your drives.  Then given a choice of 4 tees, you pick the championship tournament tees at the back to hit from because your such a hero, then we watch you duff your first shot a pissy 30 yards into the bushes.  Satisfying!  Get lessons dummy!

🙂

 


Steroids vs. Gatorade

I find that a really good way to get on somebody’s nerves is to challenge their belief system.  I never do it just to get on people’s nerves of course, but I do enjoy a good debate from time to time.  It’s fun to exchange ideas, and sometimes watch people squirm when you point out things that contradict what they believe.  Even if I share the same views as a person, I enjoy playing Devil’s Advocate far too much.  If at the end of our debates, they were able to bring up several good arguments I’ll always respect them for it, knowing that they believe in their viewpoint because they’ve thought it through, and not just because everyone else believes it.  Having said that, I’ve had the following debate many times before, and I’ve never been able to convince anybody to change their opinion about it.  I’m not even suggesting that I agree 100% with my own opinion, but I do enjoy entering a debate as the dark-horse.

The topic is (once again) the baseball/steroid issue.  My stance is “Who cares?”

I was inspired to write this after seeing the new Gatorade commercials for the G Series.  If you don’t know, Gatorade has a 3 part process now.  First you eat a ‘chew’ to prime yourself before playing sports.  Then you drink regular Gatorade (which is now called ‘perform’) while you’re playing sports.  Then there’s a ‘recovery’ shake to drink after you play sports.  Awesome!!  There are a lot of supplements which can give you more energy to be sure, but Gatorade may just be that (fair/unfair) advantage that you need.  Kind of like steroids (but I’ll get back to that).

I always find it interesting that they have a steroid witch hunt involving 2 retired players, namely Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens.  They really want to set an example by trying to ruin the legacy of the greatest hitter (arguably) and pitcher (arguably) of this past generation.  They couldn’t do anything to them while they were playing, because for most of their playing years, Major League Baseball didn’t even have a steroid policy in place.  Now that they’re embarrassed by how poorly they handled it, they want to blame like half a dozen guys for what Jose Canseco claims 80% of the league did?  How fair/unfair is that?  If these guys played for the Yankees while admitting to taking steroids, it would have blown over quickly.  They’re being punished for dishonesty along with Pete Rose, and that isn’t even about drugs.  I mean MLB and drugs??  They were nowhere near this upset when half the league was coked out in the 80s.  I think it’s ok to punish guys now that there is a clear rule in place, but before that players were going to push boundaries.  If the league doesn’t set any than shame on them.  Do you think it’s fair/unfair to  “Ben Johnson” them by making a couple of guys the scapegoats for what was a league wide problem.  Ben Johnson was the fastest man in the world, Roger Clemens was the best pitcher, and Barry Bonds was the best hitter.  They were sinners like everyone else, but they were punished for their greatness, not their steroid use.

What do steroids do anyways?  I don’t think it teaches you to throw a curveball, or to hit one either.  It does help you recover better though.  When you play 162 times in 182 days, you better be able to recover.  Luckily Advil helps.  I’ll never forget an aging, but still amazing Nolan Ryan who was the first Advil spokesman that I can recall.  I know after a tough game, I can take a couple of Advil and feel amazing the next day.  Was it fair/unfair for Nolan Ryan to take Advil?

What makes a variety of supplements, vitamins, good food, and over the counter medication OK, but steroids not OK?  Is it because it’s illegal?  Driving under the influence of alcohol is illegal.  Lots of players have done that, but none have an asterisk beside their name in the record books claiming they didn’t really do what they did.  Assault is illegal.  Players get into fights sometimes, shall we re-write the record book for that?

So why are people so mad about the whole steroid thing?  I think it’s a fairness issue.  Most people would have been told by now that life isn’t fair, and would agree with that.  Why do we expect other things to be fair then.  Baseball isn’t fair.  It never has been.  Is it fair that someone should have heaps of talent, and someone else doesn’t?  Is it fair that someone is 6 ft 4, and someone else is only 5 ft 9?  Which of those 2 kids gets drafted?  The talented 6 ft 4 kid who hasn’t done much, or the over achieving 5 ft 9 kid who put up big numbers in high school?  It’s the 6 ft 4 kid every time.  Is that fair/unfair?

Now we all hate the big millionaire best player in the game, that gets greedy and takes steroids so he can get more money/fame/records.  That’s usually the example people think of when they think of steroid use.  What about the guy that signed a pretty good contract, and is under a lot of pressure to perform, but maybe he’s got a nagging injury, and doesn’t feel like he’s earning the money that the team is paying him, the team is losing, and if he could just get back to feeling a little more healthy like he used to when he was a better player, maybe he could contribute a bit more and get the weight of the world off his shoulders for 5 minutes, and he sees everyone else doing it so he………. or the guy that’s 32 years old and has been that close but no cigar prospect/career minor leaguer, who’s dreamed every day of his life of being a major league baseball player, and he got so close he could almost taste it, but younger, bigger, stronger kids with more ‘upside’ keep bypassing him on their way to the big leagues, and if he could only muscle a few more fly balls out of the park, the big club might take notice and call him up for a few weeks so he could die happy knowing he achieved his lifelong dream.  Maybe just one time……….Could you find it in your heart to forgive these guys if they took steroids?  I could!  In fact, I’ll take it a step further and say as a fan, I respect them for risking their health to try to get better.  They wanted to be better at their jobs!!!  I would love to have employees like that.  It takes a strange mix of stupidity and desperation to become a steroid user.  Somehow as a fan, I think they did this for us!  We can argue their methods, but we can’t question their dedication.

In closing, I guess it’s not really as much of an issue any more.  MLB does have rules now.  They were a little late to the party, but there are now consequences for getting caught taking steroids.  I think I just wish they would stop all the nonsense about trying to dig up the past.  This was a ‘Lord of the Flies’ scenario where if there are no controls in place, chaos ensues.  MLB has nobody to blame but themselves, and I think it’s in poor taste for everyone to try to hang a few guys out to dry for a problem that hundreds if not thousands of people should be punished for.  Let’s just call it bad management and move on.  Now players know the parameters and can stick to using other performance enhancers like Gatorade.

Is that fair/unfair?


If I HAD to get caught in a time warp, the year would be……….

“Oh, when I look back now…. the summer seemed to last forever…. and if I had a choice…. yeah I would wanna be there….. those were the best days of my life”  –  Bryan Adams – fellow Canadian who was having the best days of his (musical life) at that exact moment (in my opinion).

The song was called Summer of ’69.  But it was released in 1985 which is the year I would want to get caught in a time warp.  Why would I choose a song which was clearly not about the year that I wanted to talk about?  You’re guess is as good as mine.  Don’t fight it, just go with it.  I mean, I’m sure that ’69 was cool, but I was born in 74 so I don’t want to gamble on the unknown.  I’ll pick a year that I’ve seen and lived through.

Now I don’t really know what a time warp is, and Wikipedia didn’t help, but I’ve always saved this term for describing people who just stopped evolving at a certain point in the world’s history (to be fair, I base this on appearances if I don’t know the person…..which isn’t really fair at all, but I can’t slow down for technicalities right now).  I see it all the time, at work, on the train, at the mall.  It usually happens to people over 30, and it probably will happen to everyone at some point.  I sometimes see a person, and look at the way they’ve dressed, the way they talk, and I can usually pick the year that they stopped evolving.  Fashion is the easiest indicator.  It moves around, and sometimes you move with it, and look current.  Sometimes you might skip over a trend or two if it doesn’t suit you, but other times people just stop forever with a certain ‘look’, and that’s the ‘look’ they have for the rest of their lives.  As time moves further and further away from that moment, you look more and more like you weren’t made for these times.

I have an example of a guy who is a tradesman that I run into from time to time.  He’s a nice guy, and he is usually wearing some sort of work uniform, but he has a mullet.  A great mullet mind you!  There is definitely product in his hair, and it’s well maintained.  If this were 1985, you’d look at his hair with fascination and approval.  Now I look at it still with fascination, but…..  I can tell that in his mind it’s 1985.  That his ‘Glory Days’ (released 1985 by Bruce Springsteen) were in the mid 80s, and he just stopped evolving.  He got stuck in a time warp, so now his clothes and hair probably look a bit weird to most, and if he was single and wanted to meet women, he’d have to find someone who was also stuck in that same time warp, so that they would ‘get’ each other.  I’m not saying that’s bad.  I’m not saying this guy doesn’t have a great life.  After all, what better year to be stuck in?  I remember another guy who owned a bar in a small town, and it was near the lake, but you could tell he wishes he was a Sam Malone type of bartender, but based out of California in a Huey Lewis & the News video.  This wasn’t that, but it didn’t seem so bad.  After all, he had a great ‘Mark Harmon in Summer School’ Hawaiian shirt.

My advice on avoiding the time warp phenomenon?  3 things.  First, believe that your best days are ahead of you.  The fashion time warp hits people who (subconsciously) feel that they’ve already peaked.  They want to be like they were in their ‘glory days’, so they act, dress, and talk like they still are.  Second, keep an open mind about things that are happening today.  Yes, the music we listened to back in the day was way better than this shit, but there’s still some good stuff coming out if you’re patient enough to find it and give it a fair listen.  Third, don’t dive too deep into the fashion trends.  There are always some classic looks, and some wardrobe staples that never go out of style.  If you can stick to some of those looks, then people won’t be able to pinpoint the year you got stuck in.

Finally, why did I pick 1985 to get stuck in (if I had to get stuck, which I hope I never do)???  Because I was 10 years old….my hair had an ambitious concoction of mousse, gel, hairspray, all to try to get that Duran Duran look…….Back to the Future came out (and btw, the future is 3 years from now…. where are our flying cars?)……My Toronto Blue Jays made the playoffs for the first time, and had a 99 win season which is the best regular season they ever had (including their 2 World Series years)…..On July 13th I woke up at 7am to watch Live Aid on TV which is probably the most extraordinary concert of all time for a lot of reasons…….I wore parachute pants……I had a Commodore 64…….Pop music was on the tail end of possibly most interesting period (ok fine music purists, the keyboards and electric drums were a bit much, but is was fun as shit)……WWF wrestling hadn’t yet become a weird soap opera for men (they actually had wrestling matches)……..The San Francisco 49ers won the Superbowl……Music Video stations like MTV and MuchMusic actually played Music Videos!!!……There was so much neon (my wife thinks it’s disturbing that I have such a fascination with this, but if your restaurant or hotel has a neon sign, I’d like to eat/stay there…. reminds me of Miami Vice)………Probably the funnest part of 1985 (other than Coca-Cola shitting the bed by changing the recipe of the most popular drink in the world, and then having to change it back (btw… ughh I know bracket within a bracket… ugh I know, they’re called parenthesis, people should never be afraid of making mistakes….. just be awesome all the time and people will forgive you…. that’s the first thing I’ll tell my kid when he/she is old enough to understand….. Look at Coke!!!)) was the fact that I was 10 years old and didn’t have a care in the world.  I couldn’t fault anyone for being stuck in a time warp like that!!  I wouldn’t recommend it either though…. it’s not a good look.


Movie Theater Stream of Consciousness

Mother’s Day……. This should work out…. I don’t think the movie theater will be too packed…….. I wouldn’t take my mother to a movie on Mother’s Day…….unless that’s what she wanted to do I guess……some people might, but I doubt it……I guess some people without mothers might be there………I just hope it’s not packed…….Which movie???……..Avengers will be too busy….. it can wait…..how about the Tim Burton one with Johnny Depp?……. Funny previews…..Should be delightfully weird…..God, this theatre smells like urine…… This is not even an old theater……They’ve built and torn down so many movie theaters within a 30 mile of radius of here in my lifetime….. I’m not even that old……Who am I kidding?….I’m old……I’m glad we had a big dinner….. I hate the greasy feeling of popcorn butter working its way through my body and greasing up my pores like 10 minutes after I eat it……. but I love popcorn…..no drinks this time….. I always have to piss like a racehorse during these movies…….I think it’s these seats…. they rock too much……. I feel like I’m at sea……did they just play an interactive trivia game on the screen with people’s phones?…. How do they figure out the winners and put them on the screen so quickly?…..  i hate technology…. and people………gotta remember not to let the back of my head touch the back of this seat…… don’t be a tommy texter… that’s funny….. not really funny, but cute…..not really cute, but hopefully effective……. this is a good crowd….. mostly adults….. not too packed…..when’s the last time there was a summer blockbuster that wasn’t either a sequel, a comic book story, or a remake?……These previews are pretty good……If I remember later I might come see one of these…… who’s the idiot that just said out loud “hit the fast forward button”???…… It’s an older guy here with his teenage son……. sitting in my row…..the son is probably embarrassed……what hope do you have as a kid if your father is always the most immature idiot in the room?……always near me too……. every show, concert or ballgame I go to, there’s always someone in the crowd that thinks THEY are the show, and invariably they are sitting beside or in front of me……..like they will enhance my viewing pleasure with their witty remarks, which almost always AREN’T witty by my standards…….I have a rule about heckling in any audience, which is if you are going to do it, you better be at least twice as good or funny as the people you are heckling, or shut the fuck up!!!…… I know I’m not a lot of fun……all of the funny stuff from the previews has already happened in the first 10 minutes of this film……. that either means there was sooooo much funny stuff to choose from, that they just grabbed stuff from the first 5 minutes, or the rest of the movie will be a long ride downhill……..Johnny Depp is amazing, but how many more times are they gonna milk the ‘I’m a vampire who’s been asleep for 200 years and this is culture shock’ premise for a laugh?…….At least 6 more times…….These characters have no depth…….I can’t believe how well the cut on my finger healed today…….I thought I was going to need stitches……If I blog about this later should I use the Canadian spelling of theatre or the American spelling of theater?  How do they spell it in Europe????…….maybe I’ll do some of both……I’m so glad we were able to use passes for this movie…….hungry now… wish I had popcorn, and to hell with the consequences……this is only marginally better than the one where he’s the demon barber….. why can’t I remember the names of any of these movies?…….. was that a musical???………aaaaaand time


Coffee without cream is like……….

I am out of sorts…..  I shouldn’t be.  It’s the last day of my vacation.  I’m home now, and it’s a Monday so the rest of the world is at work, but I won’t be until Tuesday.  Perfect day to waste farting around.  We went grocery shopping yesterday because we’d been out-of-town and the fridge was empty.  I’m stocked up.  I don’t need to go anywhere until 8pm.  So I put on some coffee this morning, and guess what???  No cream in the fridge.

Let me put something out there.  I’m a coffee snob and I’m not.  I’m not a coffee snob in the sense that I don’t have a French Press, and I don’t drink my coffee straight (I require lots of cream and sugar), and I’m not above drinking flavored coffees (just the opposite, I LOOOOOVVVEEE flavored coffees…… BTW for all my Canadian friends, it’s just easier for me to spell flavour the American way.  You’ll also note later that I’ll do the same thing with favour).  I’m a coffee snob in the sense that if you come into my home and I offer you a coffee, I have the necessary accessories to fulfill this request, and the necessary coffee brewing skills to do it right, so that you WILL enjoy your coffee here.  Part of that is having cream in the fridge at all times.  It’s amazing to me how many homes you can go into where they offer you coffee and don’t have half the shit you need to make a good cup of coffee.  Quite honestly, I’d rather not go down that road with you.  If good coffee isn’t important to you, then don’t offer it.  Chances are I’m not visiting with you first thing in the morning and a caffeine jolt is not the issue. Make a drink that you’re good at making, or offer (COLD) water, which everyone who has a fridge or ice cubes is good at making.  If you want to be the type of person that offers coffee to people who come over, then make that $5 investment per 2 months (which is how long it usually stays good in the fridge), and have some fucking cream!  BTW, if I can help you with the math, $5 over 2 months is about $30 a year, which is a small price to pay to have a good reputation among coffee drinkers.

I’m not suggesting that it’s a true necessity of being a good host to have great coffee at your place, just as I would never expect you to have good beer at your place, or good wine, or good anything.  I just think people need to know their limits as hosts, and stay within them.  If I come over asking for a coffee, then it’s my own problem if your coffee is shit, but if you’re offering, then I’m assuming it’s good.

A good parallel might be if I wanted to borrow your car which really had a bad muffler problem, and you’re kind enough to lend it to me, I should really tolerate that issue, and perhaps think twice before asking to borrow your car again.  Now if you’re OFFERING me that car to borrow for the day, I’d be much happier if it were in good repair.  NOW it looks bad on you.  The message is ‘do me a favor and don’t do me any favors’.  Don’t offer me your broke down car, and don’t offer me coffee if you don’t have the first sweet clue how to brew a cup (or have cream and sugar).

Having said that, I have no cream in the fridge right now.  I’m not going back to the store on principle alone, because I was just there yesterday.  Right now I’m choking down some otherwise lovely coffee from Vienna……… with milk.  Some of you think that’s an acceptable substitute.  I’m here to tell you it’s not.

Coffee without cream is like Andrew Ridgeley without George Michael, like the Boston Red Sox without Terry Francona, like 1985 without neon, like running without scissors, like KISS without the makeup, like bumper stickers that aren’t hilarious, like biographies with no controversy, like party mix without cheesies…. ok, you get it.

I do realize that other people have worse problems than this, so I’m very fortunate that the worst thing that will probably happen to me today is that I had to have milk in my coffee.  Still though….. it’s horrible.

R


Hot Tub Time Share Machine

Hey all……

I’m on Vacation in Orlando!  Yay for me 🙂  I didn’t know if I’d get a chance to write a blog or not, since there is sun to be lying in, pools to be swimming in, and theme parks to be gauged at (financially of course).  Luckily (for me) we are staying at a time share resort, and if you are familiar with those arrangements, you’ll have probably already sat through one of their sales pitches (information sessions as they like to call it).  I didn’t think that I’d be able to get a blog in this week (breaking a 2 week streak of successfully doing so), but due to the heroic efforts of my wife, and in-laws (who are sitting through a presentation as we speak), I was able to get an hour of free time with the lap top.  So if you end up taking a liking to my musings of the day, please take some time to think about the sacrifices that were made by others to make this happen as well as ensure that we secured a reasonable rental rate for inflatable tubes for the duration of our stay.

As you read more of my blogs and some of my crusty disposition comes out a little more, you might be surprised to know that I am a sucker for theme parks, and particularly susceptible to the charms of Disney.  I would go as far as saying it’s ‘magical’ (a word I’ve used to describe BBQ, and bowel movements…… but only the very best ones).  As a guy who’s afraid of heights, I enjoy the slow-moving detailed approach to Disney.  It’s not a bunch of big, fast, high rollercoasters.  It’s little carts slowly moving through a lazy river of meticulous detail, from the way the characters mouths move in sync with the music, to the mist they spray on the back of your neck to make a fake jungle seem like a real jungle.  It’s parades in the street with dancing Goofies and fireworks and candy apples.  It’s photo ops with stuffed animals, balloons, and happiness.  IF THEY COULD TAKE HAPPINESS AND SHOOT IT INTO YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE VEINS, only then could you possibly, maybe understand a bit of what Disney is all about……….I just read this back to myself…..what a loser!  Anyways, it’s fun and I’m looking forward to that tomorrow.  Today is all about the inflatable tubes.  Swimming will never be the same.

On another note, if you’ve been following this blog since it’s inception (2 weeks ago), maybe you noticed that I changed the layout.  I’m not really good at this stuff so I took one of the pre-selected options.  I think this one is called ‘Elegant Grunge’.  That sounds so cool.  I don’t know what the other one was called, but if I was commissioned to make a name for it, I would call it “Kid eats way too much fucking cotton candy, washes down with cream soda and projectile vomits”.

My Mom’s birthday is tomorrow…. Happy Birthday Mom!!

R


Who gets to use HOV Lanes??

I wait in lines.

For groceries, the bank, the bus….. you name it, I wait.  Patiently.  I don’t try to sneak in front of anyone, or manipulate the line in any way.  When my turn comes, it comes.  I give dirty looks to those that try to interrupt the natural progression of the line for their own gain or convenience.  I get the urge to hit people who don’t ‘fall in’.  To this point I’ve always fought that urge successfully, I just quietly stew.  The line is one of the only perfect things in our society.  First come, first serve.  In an unfair life, a well executed line is fair.  Getting in line is always a choice.  If the line is too long, you usually have the option to not get in.  Don’t mistake me for someone who likes to wait, because I’m in as much of a hurry as anybody.  I respect the line though.

One day I’m on the highway with a friend of mine.  He’s driving.  He looks over at me and says “Finally, I get to use the HOV Lane”, and steers the car into the far left lane.  He starts shooting past the other traffic with enthusiastic efficiency.

I had seen these new lanes popping up around on the highways, but didn’t really know what they were there for, or who was able to use them.  Upon further research I found out who was able to use them.  Everybody but me!

This goes against the system we had before which was an imperfect version of the ‘line’ system.  It operates exactly like a line, except there are a lot of cases where there are multiple lanes.  We tried to adapt.  Faster traffic to the left, slower to the right.  The system is perfect, but humans usually find a way to screw it up.  I can live with this.  What I don’t like is the fact that the government has invented the equivalent of a night club V.I.P. entrance on their roads.  While some poor suckers have to line up, the big-shots get to by-pass the line and get in quicker.

Who gets in?  Vehicles with 2 or more people, emergency vehicles, busses, limos, taxis….. Everybody but me!

This means anybody not travelling alone including circus clowns, dodgeball teams, wookies, mad scientists, serial killers, aliens, clarinet players, 16 year olds, trekkies, mortgage brokers, opium farmers, superhero alter-egos…… Everybody but me!!

I’m already driving alone in the car with nobody to keep me company, and drivers that are accompanied by companions get to bypass the traffic?  They don’t get as bored if they’re stuck in traffic!!  Allow me to continue though.  Ninjas, vegans, rock stars, brain surgeons, zombies, gangsters, pool boys, mascots….Everybody but me!!

The line was the perfect system.  If there were problems with traffic, it was due to bad drivers, inclement weather, and construction.  It was never the line system.  This new arrangement will be considered acceptable though, if you are 2 or more of the following.  Computer geeks, stamp collectors, astronauts, monkeys that look like humans, bakers, personal assistants, wedding parties, steroid users, porn stars, tourists, celery eaters, murder detectives……

Everybody but me.