I had to go to the dentist this morning, and before you read too far, this is not about popcorn kernels being stuck in my teeth only to be found and removed professionally. It’s more a metaphor for minor annoyances that have been accumulating in my brain (plaguing my existence). Probably not worth logging on to Facebook or Twitter to update my status (no, I don’t have those apps for my phone…… I don’t have any apps for my phone…… I keep thinking if I ignore technology long enough, it will go back to the way it was……. no??…… not happening??…….it’s just gonna get worse???…..damn..). I was hoping if I had enough random thoughts, that the whole could be greater than the sum of its parts since I really didn’t think of a humdinger of a topic to stick with for the entire blog.
So I awoke this morning and decided it was time to reach back in the closet and pull out my funniest tee-shirt. It’s a picture of a gingerbread man with a broken leg. The caption says “Oh Snap!” I giggled like a 12-year-old girl when I bought it. The punchline is funny enough but you have to see the look of concern on his little face. He knows there’s no surgery that’s bringing that leg back, but while enduring the most horrible physical pain he’s ever gone through, he has the levity to deliver a quality tee-shirt punchline. How could my day be anything short of amazing now. I did some background research for this paragraph (to make sure it wasn’t from a movie or something) and apparently the “Oh Snap” Gingerbread man makes an appearance on coffee mugs. One of the sites I googled referred to this as ‘Cookie Humor’, a concept I was unaware of, but now find myself curious about. Just off the top of my head, if I had to come up with ‘Cookie Humor’ tee-shirts I would start with a picture of Chewbacca with a bunch of brown spots all over him and call it ‘Chocolate Chip Wookies’. (Shazzzammmmm….. I know I shouldn’t celebrate my jokes, but c’mon, that shit was gold)
Moving along to the rants…….
I hate it when the chick at the drive thru takes your order, and is waiting for you when you arrive at the window, and then acts annoyed that you don’t have your money ready yet. “Bitch, I was driving!!”………
I got this one from a buddy. Union Station in Toronto was flooded the other day due to heavy rains, and my friend saw a guy berating a transit employee because ‘This is Toronto, and it’s unacceptable!!’, as if the guy made it rain and is now really happy about standing knee-deep in it trying to clean up. Lighten up jerk off!………
Body odor on the bus is my next thing. I talk about this all the time. I’m ok with the old man who pissed himself. It smells, but he’s old, and sometimes when your old, you have to piss yourself, and it’s terrible, but I don’t judge. I’m ok with the homeless people who smell. I hate being around it, but I understand that when you’re homeless, B.O. is the least of your worries, so I tolerate it. However, when I see a guy who I know has a job and a home, and he smells because he doesn’t shower often enough or wear deodorant, and I’m stuck with him on the bus??? It drives me nuts. deodorant $5. Axe Spray $5, FANCY Soap $5, Regular Soap way less, not ruining my friggin bus ride to work???? Priceless……….
Even though I’m so quick to complain about people, I don’t come from a family of malcontents, so when I hear my father make fun of someone I LOVE it because he’s such a nice guy, and it’s just not in his nature. This is for all you golfers out there with more money than brains. We love waiting behind you at the first tee watching you brag about all your golf equipment, decked out in the finest golf apparel, opening the new package of balls which promises more distance on your drives. Then given a choice of 4 tees, you pick the championship tournament tees at the back to hit from because your such a hero, then we watch you duff your first shot a pissy 30 yards into the bushes. Satisfying! Get lessons dummy!