Tag Archives: Star Wars

Did I Accidentally Train a Jedi Master?

My son is in Kindergarten. He got to go to his first ‘new-school-friend-birthday party’ today. I got to go as well. Yay for me. There was coffee, pizza and wasps. I enjoyed two thirds of that. This isn’t about me though. Or maybe it is. The party was pretty awesome all things considered, because it was a ‘Star Wars’ themed gathering. My son is pretty into Star Wars (and everything else), and I was too at his age, and I’m old, so I think it’s remarkable that Star Wars is still as relevant today as it was then. Who could have guessed? Neither Farrah Fawcett nor Lee Majors would have guessed that shit.

My son probably became obsessed with Star Wars at the age of 2. He loved Darth Vader. He used to tell me he was my father, like all the time, and he hadn’t even seen the movie, like I have no idea how he knew that line. He was pretty into Stormtroopers as well, but seemed to have no love for Luke Skywalker, and when I was 4, I was all about Luke Skywalker. I was very ‘good over evil’, but it was the 80’s and this is a different time. That said I was a little concerned how drawn to the dark side of the force my son was at such a young age. He seemed a bit like the type that would love to crush the rebellion in one fell swoop (see, I thought it was foul, but I didn’t know whether to spell it foul or fowl, so I googled it, and they were like ‘ACTUALLY…… it was originally FELL’, but that doesn’t sound as good because people I’m sure have been using ‘foul’ for ages now, perhaps in error, and I’m so committed to the line that I’ll just leave it as is, but with an explanation……or I can edit it later, and you’ll never know we had this conversation.) So we would have these light saber duels. He always wanted to do it. They kept getting bigger, and sometimes they weren’t even light sabers, but swords (toy swords of course), or baseball bats, or anything he could pick up and hand me, and he’d say “Let’s fight Daddy”. So we would duel, and he would put on his Darth Vader mask, and hit each other’s swords while he tried to intimidate me by saying all sorts of menacing things in his freaky little bad guy voice. If I had to do it over again I probably should have laid down and played dead at some point so he would think he won, but screw that, man. I’m not letting him win. He thinks he’s just going to defeat me in a battle and then take over the household, no way. So we’ve had a lot of sword fights in the past couple of years. His hand skills are well-developed for a toddler I think.

So today…… a couple of ‘characters’ showed up at this birthday party. The first was a Jedi Master. He was going to train these kids to become Jedi, and had them running and jumping and doing obstacle courses. Parents stood around making awkward conversations with other parents they had just met, but we all nodding in approval like ‘yeah these suckers are gonna sleep tonight!!!’ Then there was light saber training, where each kid would pick up a fake light saber and hit this guy’s light saber a few times. I knew my son would get a kick out of that. Then a guy dressed as Darth Vader came in, and the kids were super excited, and it was a really great kids party I thought. Then….. before the food, but just after Darth Vader had come in, the Jedi Master decides the kids should pit off against one another in light saber battles, and the winner was going to get a prize. Ughhhhh. Before I could get to my son to read him the riot act, he was paired off (with the birthday boy no less) for the first fight. It all happened so fast, like one of those early Mike Tyson fights. Like in the original Star Wars movie, my son was Darth Vader and this kid was the old version of Obi-Wan Kenobi. My son went in on this kid, and I just remember screaming “Not his head, not his head”, and then the kid started crying (maybe more from my screaming than any actual pain… they were fake light sabers), and then my son started crying because his friend was crying….. it was emotional. I was kind of embarrassed, but the birthday boy wasn’t hurt, and moved on pretty quickly, somehow won the prize (which was either always intended for the birthday boy, or given to him out of sympathy.)

It all got smoothed over quickly and we all enjoyed the rest of the party. Soon it was like it never happened, but in the car I could tell my son felt bad about it, and I thought it was a good teaching moment, but then I had to quickly figure out what I wanted the lesson to be. Be gentle?? I guess, but he was ASKED to engage in a light saber battle, and the winner was offered a prize. He tried his hardest to do what he was told to do, and I can’t really fault him for that. I did try to remind him that I’m 5 times his size, so when he hits me with a light saber, it doesn’t do as much damage as when he hits some 40 pound kid, so am I telling him to play down to his competition? Like not try his hardest when competing against someone who isn’t as good (by good I mean specifically at light saber fighting) as him? If he plays sports and he doesn’t try his best because he thinks the other team isn’t good, that will drive me nuts, so I don’t think that’s the lesson. For the purpose of this blog, I’ll say the lesson is ‘Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should’, but I don’t know if a 4-year old can grasp that or not, so I just said ‘keep the light saber away from his head next time.’

Talk About The Death Star Not Being Fully Operational

I watched Star Wars the other night. You know, the first one. No, not Episode 1. The first one which was Episode 4. The one from 1977 that got this whole thing started. It was called ‘A New Hope’, which I swear I only found out recently. We always just called it Star Wars. My wife bought be the DVDs for my birthday because it’s been a lot of years since I’ve seen those ones, and with the new one coming out now, I want to have the plot lines fresh in my mind when I check it out. I figure I’ve got a couple of months still because I don’t have the patience for crowds. I’m sure the movie won’t spoil in the meantime. I can ignore civilization until then.

I have a connection to that movie in that if I’m not mistaken, it was the first movie I ever saw in the movie theater. It’s also the only movie I ever went to see with just my dad. Meaning there might have been some family outings when I was young, but the two of us only went to the movies once. That sounds sad as I’m typing it, but it’s not. We did lots of things together, just not the movie theater. Sporting events was our thing. We watched a lot of movies together at home. RENTING movies……I know what we have now is way better, but can I just say I miss renting movies???? So my dad and I watched the first Star Wars movie, then known as ‘Star Wars’, now known as ‘A New Hope’. Why? I think we were in Niagara Falls or Buffalo, and I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t want us in her shit while she was at the shopping mall, so she must have given the orders for him to take me to a movie. Or maybe it was his idea, but she definitely gave the orders for him to take me away from her shopping situation. I’m guessing the movie had been out for a long time, or possibly re-released by the time I saw it because in 1977 I would have been too young to remember it. Whenever it was, it was really one of my earliest memories.

I had a few thoughts when I was watching ‘A New Hope’. Overall, I have to say that I still enjoyed it. I’ve never been too picky with special effects, so it didn’t bother me that those particular ones are outdated. I know they were really something at the time. A couple of things bothered me…..

– Why were Luke and Leia so pissy and bitchy with Han Solo?? Yeah, he was meant to be seen as a selfish character, but neither of them knew the guy for 5 minutes before they started in with their odd little snarky judgemental comments. I’d have been tempted to slap the both of them. Especially Luke. So whiny. That didn’t bother me when I was 5 years old, but it does now. It didn’t take Luke long after looking at his aunt and uncle’s charred bodies to just fly off with Obi-Wan Kenobi who he’d only met that afternoon. Spent the whole movie crying about “I wish Ben was here”. What about Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru???? They fuckin raised you!! Burnt to a crisp, and you act like you don’t give a shit? Then you have the nerve to get on Han Solo’s case because you think he’s selfish??? Where do you get off? (OK, this went off the rails…. calm down Ryan)

– I know there was some talk about the Death Star not being fully operational, but what’s with all the hallways that end in drops into the infinite abyss?? And the control panels with maybe a one foot platform to stand on around them. What electrician is going to be able to do work on these control panels?? It’s totally unsafe. Sure, we’re so concerned about the main characters who are trying to escape the Death Star, but what about its thousands of employees? It’s the employer’s responsibility to create a safe working environment for its employees. Humans, Droids, or otherwise. With the technology they have available, there’s got to be a better way to build this thing. I guess they all got blown up anyways. Nobody cares about that. So sad about Alderaan, but what about the innocent lives that were lost when the Death Star blew up? Not everyone in there was evil. Most of them were just like you and me. Working for some evil organization, trying to put food on the table. It’s a shame about the Death Star. Should’ve been better built though.

The popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and before you read too far, this is not about popcorn kernels being stuck in my teeth only to be found and removed professionally.  It’s more a metaphor for minor annoyances that have been accumulating in my brain (plaguing my existence).  Probably not worth logging on to Facebook or Twitter to update my status (no, I don’t have those apps for my phone…… I don’t have any apps for my phone…… I keep thinking if I ignore technology long enough, it will go back to the way it was……. no??…… not happening??…….it’s just gonna get worse???…..damn..).  I was hoping if I had enough random thoughts, that the whole could be greater than the sum of its parts since I really didn’t think of a humdinger of a topic to stick with for the entire blog.

So I awoke this morning and decided it was time to reach back in the closet and pull out my funniest tee-shirt.  It’s a picture of a gingerbread man with a broken leg.  The caption says “Oh Snap!”  I giggled like a 12-year-old girl when I bought it.  The punchline is funny enough but you have to see the look of concern on his little face.  He knows there’s no surgery that’s bringing that leg back, but while enduring the most horrible physical pain he’s ever gone through, he has the levity to deliver a quality tee-shirt punchline.  How could my day be anything short of amazing now.  I did some background research for this paragraph (to make sure it wasn’t from a movie or something) and apparently the “Oh Snap” Gingerbread man makes an appearance on coffee mugs.  One of the sites I googled referred to this as ‘Cookie Humor’, a concept I was unaware of, but now find myself curious about.  Just off the top of my head, if I had to come up with ‘Cookie Humor’ tee-shirts I would start with a picture of Chewbacca with a bunch of brown spots all over him and call it ‘Chocolate Chip Wookies’.  (Shazzzammmmm….. I know I shouldn’t celebrate my jokes, but c’mon, that shit was gold)

Moving along to the rants…….

I hate it when the chick at the drive thru takes your order, and is waiting for you when you arrive at the window, and then acts annoyed that you don’t have your money ready yet.  “Bitch, I was driving!!”………

I got this one from a buddy.  Union Station in Toronto was flooded the other day due to heavy rains, and my friend saw a guy berating a transit employee because ‘This is Toronto, and it’s unacceptable!!’, as if the guy made it rain and is now really happy about standing knee-deep in it trying to clean up.  Lighten up jerk off!………

Body odor on the bus is my next thing.  I talk about this all the time.  I’m ok with the old man who pissed himself.  It smells, but he’s old, and sometimes when your old, you have to piss yourself, and it’s terrible, but I don’t judge.  I’m ok with the homeless people who smell.  I hate being around it, but I understand that when you’re homeless, B.O. is the least of your worries, so I tolerate it.  However, when I see a guy who I know has a job and a home, and he smells because he doesn’t shower often enough or wear deodorant, and I’m stuck with him on the bus???  It drives me nuts.  deodorant $5.  Axe Spray $5, FANCY Soap $5, Regular Soap way less, not ruining my friggin bus ride to work????  Priceless……….

Even though I’m so quick to complain about people, I don’t come from a family of malcontents, so when I hear my father make fun of someone I LOVE it because he’s such a nice guy, and it’s just not in his nature.  This is for all you golfers out there with more money than brains.  We love waiting behind you at the first tee watching you brag about all your golf equipment, decked out in the finest golf apparel, opening the new package of balls which promises more distance on your drives.  Then given a choice of 4 tees, you pick the championship tournament tees at the back to hit from because your such a hero, then we watch you duff your first shot a pissy 30 yards into the bushes.  Satisfying!  Get lessons dummy!