I am out of sorts….. I shouldn’t be. It’s the last day of my vacation. I’m home now, and it’s a Monday so the rest of the world is at work, but I won’t be until Tuesday. Perfect day to waste farting around. We went grocery shopping yesterday because we’d been out-of-town and the fridge was empty. I’m stocked up. I don’t need to go anywhere until 8pm. So I put on some coffee this morning, and guess what??? No cream in the fridge.
Let me put something out there. I’m a coffee snob and I’m not. I’m not a coffee snob in the sense that I don’t have a French Press, and I don’t drink my coffee straight (I require lots of cream and sugar), and I’m not above drinking flavored coffees (just the opposite, I LOOOOOVVVEEE flavored coffees…… BTW for all my Canadian friends, it’s just easier for me to spell flavour the American way. You’ll also note later that I’ll do the same thing with favour). I’m a coffee snob in the sense that if you come into my home and I offer you a coffee, I have the necessary accessories to fulfill this request, and the necessary coffee brewing skills to do it right, so that you WILL enjoy your coffee here. Part of that is having cream in the fridge at all times. It’s amazing to me how many homes you can go into where they offer you coffee and don’t have half the shit you need to make a good cup of coffee. Quite honestly, I’d rather not go down that road with you. If good coffee isn’t important to you, then don’t offer it. Chances are I’m not visiting with you first thing in the morning and a caffeine jolt is not the issue. Make a drink that you’re good at making, or offer (COLD) water, which everyone who has a fridge or ice cubes is good at making. If you want to be the type of person that offers coffee to people who come over, then make that $5 investment per 2 months (which is how long it usually stays good in the fridge), and have some fucking cream! BTW, if I can help you with the math, $5 over 2 months is about $30 a year, which is a small price to pay to have a good reputation among coffee drinkers.
I’m not suggesting that it’s a true necessity of being a good host to have great coffee at your place, just as I would never expect you to have good beer at your place, or good wine, or good anything. I just think people need to know their limits as hosts, and stay within them. If I come over asking for a coffee, then it’s my own problem if your coffee is shit, but if you’re offering, then I’m assuming it’s good.
A good parallel might be if I wanted to borrow your car which really had a bad muffler problem, and you’re kind enough to lend it to me, I should really tolerate that issue, and perhaps think twice before asking to borrow your car again. Now if you’re OFFERING me that car to borrow for the day, I’d be much happier if it were in good repair. NOW it looks bad on you. The message is ‘do me a favor and don’t do me any favors’. Don’t offer me your broke down car, and don’t offer me coffee if you don’t have the first sweet clue how to brew a cup (or have cream and sugar).
Having said that, I have no cream in the fridge right now. I’m not going back to the store on principle alone, because I was just there yesterday. Right now I’m choking down some otherwise lovely coffee from Vienna……… with milk. Some of you think that’s an acceptable substitute. I’m here to tell you it’s not.
Coffee without cream is like Andrew Ridgeley without George Michael, like the Boston Red Sox without Terry Francona, like 1985 without neon, like running without scissors, like KISS without the makeup, like bumper stickers that aren’t hilarious, like biographies with no controversy, like party mix without cheesies…. ok, you get it.
I do realize that other people have worse problems than this, so I’m very fortunate that the worst thing that will probably happen to me today is that I had to have milk in my coffee. Still though….. it’s horrible.
May 7th, 2012 at 4:25 pm
I agree with you, 100%. I thought I was one of the few who didn’t drink my coffee black. Glad that I have some company in this.
May 8th, 2012 at 3:30 am
Double Double like a proper Canadian 🙂
May 7th, 2012 at 10:35 pm
Thanks for checking out my crazy musings. If you wouldn’t have “liked” me, I wouldn’t have found this amazing post that I completely relate to! We are Coffee Mate (french vanilla or hazelnut fat free) addicted. The coffee itself is just a vehicle for the ‘mate. Anyway, thanks is what I came on to say, l look forward to reading more!
May 8th, 2012 at 3:32 am
I love Coffee Mate. My wife won’t let me keep it in the house, but my sister always has like 7 flavors when we go there. Love it. Nice to meet you.
May 8th, 2012 at 3:30 am
I’m with you on this one, Ryan — I’ll go fat-free on just about anything except the damn cream in my coffee! (Although I’ve finally conceded to 10% half-n-half instead of my usual 18% table cream.)
May 8th, 2012 at 3:45 am
OMG…. 18%??? I actually am down to 5% at home. That’s my compromise, but it still tastes good to me. Just no milk. I can’t take that.
May 10th, 2012 at 12:02 pm
I don’t think I’ve ever HAd coffee with cream. Let me tell you coffee with no cream AND no milk is really bad!
May 13th, 2012 at 11:13 am
I like it.
May 20th, 2012 at 2:53 pm
that was a wonderful WHAM reference. Don’t come to my house. I don’t even know how to use my coffee maker. I can make a mean cup of tea though!
May 21st, 2012 at 3:30 pm
They world needs more WHAM references I think 😉 Tea works for me 🙂