Tag Archives: Humour

February 18, 2014

When Is The Right Time To Start Crushing Your Children With Pressure?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Today I found myself giving my son a pep talk. My words were the result of my expectations, and I was communicating them in a motivational fashion. It went a little bit like this….. “Son, don’t be allergic to peanuts!! I know you’re too young to understand right now, but your inability to consume peanut butter will put a real strain on this family. We eat peanut butter on toast almost all of the time. I love peanuts son!!! Not the way I love you…. I love you more, but I do love peanuts and peanut butter son, and I need you to not have a peanut allergy. Do you understand???” We were about to give him peanut butter for the 2nd time in his life (which they say is when the allergy will show up). He’s 16 months old.

I’m certain my son didn’t understand the full extent of what I was saying. He’s a pretty smart kid, but not the ‘I know how to talk’ kind of smart. Not yet anyways. He looked at me when I gave the speech, so I know he was listening. I also know that I was holding a cracker at the time of the speech, and he really likes crackers, so I’m not sure if he was focused on Daddy, or simply waiting for me to feed his bottomless pit of a stomach. As I was talking, I felt myself transferring my pressure and anxiety on to his little shoulders. Almost like it was in slow motion, I could feel the disapproving looks of my wife, mother, sister and 3 month old nephew, who were all in the room. Was it too soon? Is he not ready to handle the pressure? Was I wrong?

Parents usually suck at life, and what’s the point of having kids if not to try to make them suck less than we do. We pressure our kids. Whether we mean to or not, we just do. We have to. Somehow if our kids end up not as completely stupid as we all are, then we feel that we’ve redeemed ourselves for our miserably disappointing lives. We can then take FULL credit for their achievements and accomplishments.

I’ve been watching the Olympics a lot this week. What do you notice when you watch the Olympics?? A lot of kids under a lot of pressure. Not only from their parents, but signing up for the Olympics means you get pressure from everybody else’s parents too. Especially if you’re from the same country as them. (The media has the nerve to get on Patrick Chan for not winning a Gold in Figure Skating. He won a Silver, which is awesome, but that’s not good enough for certain rotten cheese doodle eating members of the Canadian Sports Media, but that’s another story). For them to be some of the world’s best athletes, they have to be under pressure. Oh, I know what you’re thinking…. ‘They all put themselves under that pressure because they are so dedicated to their craft’. Sure, that’s probably true, but they learned it somewhere.

It starts at home. It can start when you’re a toddler, and it can start with your father trying to talk you out of having an allergy. Hey, if my son goes to the Olympics someday and ‘puts a lot of pressure on himself to be the best’, I’ll know in my heart of hearts that me pressuring him into not being allergic to peanuts made him a more intense competitor. You can never start too young. Crushing them with your hopes and dreams! They’ll have to endure it later on anyways. You’re not doing them any favors by waiting until they’re 7 or 8 years old.

Now I was going to stop there, and I’m not saying that I don’t trust my readers to know when I’m joking, but……. I’m sort of joking about some of this. Kind of.

10 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 11, 2014

Where’s My Corner Store?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

True Story….

The other day I drove through the old neighborhood where I grew up, looking for my barber who had mysteriously changed locations or retired or who knows? I know the last time I went, the barber shop was closed and there was a strange note on the door signed by someone other than him with an address that wasn’t too far away. When I had checked out the new address, and it appeared to be a beauty salon, but it was still being renovated, and not yet open for business. I couldn’t imagine my barber (who has been cutting my hair, almost exclusively since I was old enough to pay for my own haircuts), working out of a beauty salon. He’s not the type. His barber shop was incredibly old school, and BARELY changed in the last 20 years. The prices were good, and he was reliable and good at his craft. This time when I went, I decided to drive past that beauty salon again. It was open for business, but I couldn’t see in the window. I know this seems weird, but even after driving all that way, I didn’t want to walk into a beauty salon and ask about my barber. Out of respect for him in a way. So I drove back to the original location to see if there was any more information available. When I got to the strip plaza in my old neighborhood, it was fenced in by a construction company and just about the whole thing had already been gutted.

That was my neighborhood strip plaza.

I lived with my parents until I was 29. I know that sounds bad. My room was in the basement, so I had a fair amount of privacy. When I finished school and joined the workforce, they charged me a reasonable amount of rent. I wouldn’t have been able to live anywhere else for that price, and on months where I couldn’t afford to pay, they didn’t kick me out. I love my parents. I had a great relationship with them, so it wasn’t a difficult arrangement. The house we lived in was a 5 minute walk from the house we used to live in. Both houses were a 10 minute walk from my neighborhood strip mall. A 2 minute drive. 5 minute bike ride. I remember that plaza.

I remember the convenience store. The lady who owned it was Chinese, and she had a speech pattern that sounded like she was singing everything. She was delightful. I remember her husband who had the opposite speech pattern. They had a son who would work in the store once he was old enough. I could tell he liked Hip Hop because he was always reading The Source magazine. I used to like Hip Hop, and that’s where I went to buy The Source Magazine as well. I remember the girl who worked for them in the 90’s. She was Italian or Portuguese or something. We had little teenage crushes on her. She was sweet to everyone. Every guy that went in there thought they were the only one. I remember when there was a drug store on the other end of the plaza. My parents used to give me $50 when I was a kid to buy all of my Christmas presents for people. I know $50 doesn’t seem like a lot, but I was probably only 10 or 12 years old, and I guess adults thought it was really cool that they got an $8 present from me since I had to go to the store and pick it out myself. Plus inflation. It was the 80’s. I remember the Dry Cleaners who never spelled my last name right, but committed it to memory, so they never asked what it was, they just saw my face and remembered my name, but with the wrong spelling. I never bothered correcting them. I remembered the greasy spoon restaurant, and how we used to go there for fries and gravy, and maybe played the 2 arcade games that were there, until we’d get kicked out for making too much noise. I remember them renovating and getting their liquor licence, and then the same 5 people perched themselves at the bar stools for 5 hours a day, and drank cheap beers every single day. Still some of the best Pork Souvlaki around.

I remember when the Mafia place opened up. Yeah, they got all legit and started serving Gelato etc, but I never set foot in there after the first time (and that story could be its own blog). I remember when a guy was murdered in the parking lot. I remember the waitress from that establishment always bringing Espressos or Soda to my barber, and wondering how that arrangement was set up. I remember way back when there was a place where you could get schnitzel on a bun, and I took that for granted, but as time went on I realized how hard it is to find a little place like that at a small neighborhood strip plaza. I remember when my mom started a drop in day care for senior citizens suffering from Alzheimer’s Disease, and had her office there for many years. I remember her having to go there every time someone set the alarm off in the middle of the night. I remember her retirement ceremony, and how being there, and hearing everyone pay tribute to all she had accomplished made us so proud.

I remember when pop was 50 cents at one store and 65 cents at the other. I remember buying Sarasoda and Twist Shandy because they had 0.5% alcohol, and we thought we were baaaaaaaad. I remember the New York Knicks having a pretty solid lead with about 30 seconds left in a playoff game against the Pacers, so I walked from my friend’s house to this store to get some chips and pop for the next game, only to find out when I got back that Reggie Miller scored 8 points in 9 seconds, and the Pacers won the game. I remember my friend being so obsessed with a certain brand of chocolate chip cookies that we made a day of looking in couch cushions and raiding coat pockets in our parent’s closets so we could go buy these damn cookies. I can’t even remember if they were good or not. I remember playing basketball for hours in the summer, and buying a 2 litre jug of peach flavored drink, and finishing all of it every time!

Seeing that building almost ripped to shreds made me sadder than I was expecting. I have 2 nieces that actually live within walking distance of the spot, but by the time they’re old enough to walk there by themselves, there will likely be condominiums there. I guess this happens to all of us eventually, and not to sound too cliché, but I definitely felt like a part of my childhood had just disappeared. Perhaps more importantly, where am I going to get my haircut?

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

February 3, 2014

Pooperbowl

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

That was the most god-awful display of football I’ve ever watched. I’ve never been so infuriated with anything in my life. Actually one of the teams played really well. It’s the other team I have a problem with. The Denver Broncos. I don’t normally give a flying shit about the Denver Broncos, but today I happened to have $50 on them to win the Super Bowl. So I’m disappointed that they didn’t win, but it isn’t about the money.

It’s about the time and energy I wasted on the Superbowl experience. Being a San Francisco 49ers fan, I’m already kind of pissed off that they narrowly missed being in this game. What’s making me really mad is the fact that their opposition (should they have made it to this game) played one of the worst games in football history which would have made it all too easy for my 49ers to have won the Superbowl, and for me to be celebrating right now instead of blogging. However, my 49ers were not playing in this game, so other than the bet I made, and my dislike for the coach of the Seahawks (which I can’t really explain, other than I hate the sight of him…. irrational, I know), I had no real interest in the winner or loser of this game.

That said, it’s the Superbowl, and I watch every year, because it’s a tradition. I typically enjoy things associated with a Superbowl, like pizza or nachos, or chili. Perhaps beer depending on my mood. I also like watching football. Today however, one of the teams decided not to bother playing football. They decided that they should travel half way across the country, sit through the anthems the media the pre-game hype, and then proceed to walk out onto the field and shit the bed with millions of people watching. I’m personally offended by their effort tonight. I could have been anywhere in the world, but I was here on my couch with no real choice other than to believe that at some point in the evening, the Denver Broncos would actually show up to the game and start to take an active interest in what was going on.

This was a total shit-show. A barn-burner. The Broncos got their asses served right back to them, skewered, and covered in fish sauce, with a Starbucks for the road. It was an abomination. They were obliterated. I feel bad for the player’s children who have to now grow up with the knowledge that their father’s Superbowl game plan was to show up and play like complete amateurs in hopes that maybe it would throw off their opponent somehow. I feel sorry for the 2nd string bench warmers who must have realized that on their worst days, they couldn’t play as bad as the starters did, but were powerless to do anything about it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was a fix. I can only imagine how disappointing it is to be a Broncos fan tonight. A team that thought so little of their fan base, that they decided to arrive at the Superbowl completely unprepared to do anything even remotely resembling playing competitive football. I feel bad for Bruno Mars, and his band, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, all of whom have probably always dreamed about performing at a Superbowl halftime show, and when they finally get their chance (and do a fantastic job by the way), their performance will always be tainted by the association of the shittiest Superbowl in the history of the NFL book-ending their musical brilliance. I feel bad for citizens of the United States of America because Superbowl Sunday is such a big deal for you guys, and I’m positive that at least 25% of Americans will now start watching CFL football instead, in hopes of wiping the horrible memory of this Superbowl out of their consciousness forever.

For those non-Football fans who perhaps think that I’m being mean while describing the losing team, and how their complete lack of basic execution has almost turned me off football forever, I am not being mean. No team this talented can play this badly unless they absolutely didn’t care about the paying public, or their sport or any sense of professionalism that might come with being an adult. Yes the Seattle Seahawks are a great team, but I think there are high school teams in remote parts of the South Pacific that could have put on a better showing than the Denver Broncos did. I’m personally offended that they didn’t think enough of my 3 hours of personal time to have put forth a better effort. My wife is offended that she went through the trouble to make a delicious chili for me, and I was unable to digest it properly because every muscle in the interior of my body was constricting with anger the entire time I was viewing the game. I think Tim Tebow is personally offended that all of this has happened as well because at no point during his tenure did they screw the pooch even remotely close to the way they did tonight.

May we never have to suffer through anything like this again.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

January 21, 2014

Spewing Negativity Brings Positivity……Wait, That’s Probably Not True

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I got thinking today about how people react to me when I’m stressed out or angry about something. I’ve noticed that some people really like to try to calm me down. I think that’s a nice approach. It’s very thoughtful, and it’s probably how I would approach someone else who was freaking out. I would talk them down. Perhaps I would downplay whatever they were worried about, and bring up poverty as a comparison point. Usually people who aren’t impoverished understand that their problems aren’t as serious as poverty, and in a weird way, it can make them feel better. The right thing to do is to let people know that it’s going to be OK.

Maybe I’m different, but that doesn’t work for me AT ALL. Don’t tell me it’s gonna be OK. Tell me that you agree that it’s going to be a complete shit show! It would be more honest, which I personally appreciate, but more importantly, it allows for more bitching and complaining on my part. This is good. I know it doesn’t seem good to most people. A lot of people with the best of intentions will hear me complaining about something, or getting mad about something else, and try to convince me that everything isn’t as bad as it seems. I think they are trying to get me to stop complaining because it’s making them feel uncomfortable. They’re missing the point though. I LOVE complaining. It’s one of my favourite things to do. It’s one of the reasons I write this blog. I feel like if I’m really bitching up a storm, that I’m actually cleansing myself of negative emotions, and am later able to reset to my regular positive self. Seems straight forward right? Not really.

There are people who will go into a downward spiral if you heap too much negativity on them. It’s good to know who these people are. These are the people who need to be told that it’s gonna be OK. If left to their own devices, they may not figure it out. They may wallow in self-pity, and never come out of it. That could be what their normal reset is. That sucks for them, I don’t know how they survive, but I do my best to help them when possible. I like to come up with ridiculous scenarios to make them realize that their problems could be way worse, and hopefully make them laugh.

Here are some examples of what might happen if you came to me with your problems…..

Sad and depressed person – My boss is an asshole and hates me.

Me – Oh that guy?? Don’t worry about that guy, he’s got warts on his anus the size of Tonka trucks man… He’s got foot fungus man, the bottom of his feet look like broccoli…. That guy’s got nose hair like Rapunzel trying to get the prince up for a visit, don’t worry about that guy…. Ask that guy if he wants you to braid his nose hair before the big meeting….

Sad and depressed person – I’m broke all the time, and can’t get a good job.

Me – Don’t worry man, you’re in North America….. There are people starving in Africa dude….. It’s hot there, it’s not hot here…. If a fly lands on your face, do you have the strength to swat it away??? Yes?? Then you don’t have money problems…. Trust me, you just have to stop spending your money on dumb shit….. Buy a big bag of rice, that shit lasts for weeks….. Dude, do you own shoes??? Then you don’t have money problems, don’t worry about it!

Sad and depressed person – Girls don’t like me.

Me – Not with an attitude like that they don’t… Girls don’t like guys, they like confidence… Be a guy with confidence, and girls will like you…..What girls don’t like you anyways??? Nothing wrong with you, there’s something wrong with them!!! You need to change out that cologne. Do you like you?? Learn to like you, and girls will learn to like you! Be more awesome when possible. You’re awesome now, but if you can be more awesome, that will help.

Sad and depressed person – I just have a general feeling of listlessness, and worry that my life is not turning out the way I thought it would.

Me – WHAAAAAATTTTT????? You live INSIDE!!!! You eat COOKED FOOD!!!! You wear CLOTHES!!!! You have a MOTORIZED VEHICLE!!! You have a portable PHONE that is also a friggin COMPUTER!!! We are NOT AT WAR!! You are NOT GETTING SHOT AT!!! Do you know that you are easily in the top 20 percentile of desirable conditions relative to the rest of the world???? Your life isn’t turning out the way you thought it would??? SO???????? Go make it turn out the way you thought it would!!! What’s wrong with you?? Please don’t piss away your opportunities! This is the best possible situation known to man in the history of the universe. I would love to get a naked kid from the third world to slap you in the face right now………Unless you’re clinically depressed of course….. then you might have to go get some meds for that shit.

Yeah, I guess you shouldn’t come to me with your problems after all 🙂

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

January 14, 2014

Orange Drink Sadness

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Today I’d like to discuss my lingering disappointment regarding Orange Drink. Awww man… I just thought of a perfect name for a blog. ‘LINGERING DISAPPOINTMENT’….. who wouldn’t follow that blog? Oh, maybe it can be a book title instead. Too short though. Not descriptive enough. Maybe ‘LINGERING DISAPPOINTMENT AND TEENAGE ANGST’……. I added that last part in case it becomes a screenplay. People love teenage angst. I don’t know if its a money-maker though. How about ‘LINGERING DISAPPOINTMENT AND TEENAGE VAMPIRE ANGST’. Now I got it. Don’t steal it. Take it with my permission and give me a cut.

Getting back to Orange Drink, and the sadness surrounding it….. I don’t like McDonald’s. Now that I’m old enough, and I understand what food is, I realize McDonald’s isn’t particularly good. That’s not to say that the special sauce on the Big Mac isn’t drippings of heaven, and that their coffee these days isn’t on par, if not better than most of the coffee in its category and/or price range. One thing McDonald’s had (at least in this market of Ontario, Canada) was Orange Drink. It wasn’t juice. It wasn’t pop. It was DRINK. It wasn’t Tang, it wasn’t Kool-Aid, but it was somewhere in between. Dare I say, it might have just been perfect. Canadian kids growing up in the 70’s and 80’s may remember going to birthday parties or soccer games and seeing the rental jug of Orange Drink that you could get because McDonald’s ‘once upon a time’ knew how important Orange Drink was to the community. You would get those waxy little cups to pass around with a picture of Ronald McDonald on the front. Orange Drink was so thirst quenching, but since it wasn’t carbonated, you could kill like 4 or 5 of those little cups and never feel any worse for it. As an adult in a committed relationship, I often find myself at Wal-Mart against my will, but my wife knew that if we passed by McDonald’s and got some Orange Drink, that everything was gonna be OK. I would maneuver through those narrow little aisles with my shopping cart, and tolerate those crazy noises of impolite or misbehaving humans of all ages and with a strong slurp of Orange Drink, we were gonna take advantage of those Rollback savings.

One evening I found myself at school. I was taking a night course, and right across the parking lot from my campus was a McDonald’s. This class was 3 hours or so, but there would be a little 10 or 15 minute break in the middle. Just enough time to get some Orange Drink to inject my body with enough sugar to stay awake for the second half of this class. The BEST part about Orange Drink when I think about it now, was that it was some kind of independent. When you looked at the fountain drinks, you would see all the logos for the Coke products, but one tap just said ORANGE fittingly in orange letters. I can’t remember if I noticed it was missing or not, but when I ordered it, they said they didn’t have it anymore. My childhood and my life started unraveling. What kind of world is this without Orange Drink I thought!! The world, and all of it’s chaos, but the ONE CONSTANT IN MY LIFE WAS THAT I COULD WALK INTO A MCDONALD’S AND ORDER AN ORANGE DRINK TO CALM MY FRIGGIN’ NERVES!!!!!!

I got pretty upset, I’m not gonna lie. I don’t think I yelled at anyone, but I did get into a lengthy conversation with the store manager. What did they replace it with? Coke Zero. They already had Diet Coke which (not that I drink diet pop) I’m pretty sure is exactly the same thing!!!! What orange options did they have?? They didn’t seem to have any. The manager was actually pretty upset too. He said he had scored a few jugs of it before they took it away, but he didn’t know how long they could last. Not very long I suspect. He gave me a free iced tea, and wished me well. That was the day my innocence was lost forever… *sniff sniff*….. I’m just kidding with the whole Orange Drink representing all that was good in my life thing, but I am pissed off. It was a good drink. The States has a ‘Hi-C’ version that tastes almost as good. I think McDonald’s here has a Fruitopia version that’s not half bad, but it aint good enough to make me happy at Wal-Mart.

On another soft drink note, do any of you remember C2??? It was a Coke product that came out around the same time as Coke Zero. Except they didn’t advertise or promote it with anywhere near the same zeal and enthusiasm. They should have. Coke Zero, Diet Coke??? What’s the difference??? Before you tell me, understand that your answer doesn’t interest me because I find diet pop drinkers to be one of the most ignorant corners of society. Honestly people…. Trying to fool yourself into thinking you’re drinking coke, and being healthy at the same time. YOU CAN’T DRINK COKE AND BE HEALTHY YOU DUMMIES!!!! If you want to be healthy, drink water. If you want to drink Coke, DRINK COKE! That said, C2 was the ultimate compromise. It had half the sugar of regular coke. There was still sugar, it was still bad for you, but only half as bad, and I thought THAT was the way to go. One of the best ideas ever!!! It vanished like time on a leather couch. Or like Orange Drink….*sniff sniff*

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

January 7, 2014

Things I’d Rather Be Doing Than Feeling Stress

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

A lot of stuff has been going down at work. I’ve explained it so many times to so many people that I’m tired of thinking about it. While blogging about it may seem like a good idea, and somewhat therapeutic, I’ve decided a different kind of therapy, which is avoiding it altogether! I know you wanna-be psychologists are shaking your head. I know we’re supposed to delve deep into our problems and analyze them and talk about them, but that’s never worked for me. You know what works for me?? Thinking about Jelly Beans, or NFL Football, or stationary, or solar eclipses, or Space Shuttle launches, or Led Zeppelin, or Toffee, or lunch boxes, or hardwood flooring, or board games, or diapers, or Cheetos, or artwork, or laundry detergent, or gift cards etc…….Anything to avoid my problems!

As I was at work the other day feeling like if I was lying on the floor in a pile of my own vomit, that just may be preferable to the day I was having, I realized that there are a lot of things I would rather be feeling than stress. Some of which are desirable. Like love for example. Who wouldn’t want to feel love instead of feeling stress. That’s an absolute NO-Brainer!! The list I have compiled however, are things that aren’t so desirable, but I’d still prefer them to being stressed out all of the time. In no particular order……

– I think I would rather study the tendencies of various insects until I became the foremost expert in the world on these matters. I would really like to nerd it up in my next life. I want to win awards for this.

– I think I would rather be a night-time janitor at a school. I’ve heard that doesn’t pay too bad, and it’s unionized. Minimum supervision, and you wouldn’t have to clean up puke as it was happening because no kids would be there during your shift.

– I think I’ve fought the urge to wear a flourescent sweater long enough. It’s time for me to go where nobody should ever go before or after.

– I think I might rather pick the scabs off of elephant feet.

– I think I would rather plug-in a dot-matrix printer, and put a microphone in front of it, and print a 5 million page document right into my headphones, just to know what it’s like to be alive.

– I think I would rather work in a daycare with 4,000 babies, and my only job would be to clean up milk off the floor. I would have several TV monitors like a weird security guard, and the second milk hit the floor, I’d grab a roll of paper towels and rush off to clean it up. All day, every day! Can’t take a sick day from that job because if the milk stays on the floor for too long, it gets funky!

– I think I would rather take disbelieving people into the eye of a hurricane to prove to them that it isn’t as calm in there as they say. I’ll bet you get whipped around pretty good.

– I think I would rather be the technician inside the ‘It’s a Small World After All’ ride at Disney World, and fix those Disney puppets as needed. I know that doesn’t sound like a bad job, but I’ve had my little boat get stalled in there for a few minutes. It gets creepy after a while.

– I think I’d like to line up a few celebrity chefs to stand in a circle with me in the middle, and tell me how shitty my food is for 8 straight hours every day, making sure that they EMPHASIZE how disappointed they are and how they expected much better.

See?? That was therapeutic!!! I won’t end up doing all of those things though. I’ll just end up doing what I always do when I can’t handle the stress of work anymore….. Go to Vegas 🙂

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

January 2, 2014

OH, I’ve Had Some New Year’s Eve Moments In My Day

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So last night was kinda cool. A little better than last year. Last year we had a baby who was about 2.5 months old. New Year’s Eve involved all three of us lying in bed watching TV, and at least 2 of us being fully asleep by the time the new year rolled in. I thought that was kind of lame, but I also feel like we deserve to not be judged during the ‘100 days of hell’ that a new child brings with. We needed our sleep more than we needed to party. This year, same kind of thing. Everyone except me is sick, and I’m totally worn out from working way too much over the last couple of weeks. I guess we could have gone out, but it would have required a baby-sitter, and it’s kind of mean to ask someone to babysit on New Year’s Eve. Last night my wife and I went to ‘The Cheese Boutique’, which is my favourite ‘Fine Foods’ store, and got some great stuff for a fun little stay in ‘wine & cheese party’ to which nobody was invited. Thanking my mom here for the gift certificate. I drank Ice Wine and ate exotic cheeses from around the world while we watched ‘Viva Las Vegas’ on TV. Actually, now that I’ve just said that out loud, I’m gonna go pour myself another glass of that Ice Wine while I finish writing this…. hang on…….ok, I’m back. Sounds kind of fun, right?? I mean, it’s not super lame, is it??

I just got to looking at Facebook, and seeing all of the great party pictures from those that went out, and kind of felt bad that I don’t go out anymore. It is a transitional time, mind you. We’ve got the young boy, and with both of us working hard at work, and at home, it’s not easy to find the energy to go out like we once did. I decided to write this post to remind the world, and mainly myself that WE ONCE DID!!

New Year’s Eves past have been some of the CRAZIEST nights of my life! I would say that there was probably a time in my life when it was my favourite day of the year. It started as a child. I guess that was the only night I was allowed to stay up until midnight for the first few years. I was an obsessive nerd for pop music in the 80’s, and on New Year’s Eve, you could always count on a radio station or a TV show counting down the top songs of the year. I don’t know how other people didn’t see it this way, but to me, that was the most important information in the world! To the point where I actually still remember some of it.

As I got older, and reached the legal drinking age, it became necessary to go to some sort of night club party which involved buying tickets ahead of time, only to pay 4 to 5 times the cover charge I would have normally paid to get into a night club. It was also necessary to have a pre-party somewhere, so we could get as much alcohol into us as possible, so we didn’t have to buy as many drinks at the club. We always had a plan to get home so nobody had to drive, but that often lead to other kinds of adventure.

I felt like I could tell a few of these stories, but the set up alone already has me at 600 words. I realize that each of these stories could be a blog post on its own. When I think back, all the memories are rushing back to me, and I can’t even believe it was all real.

In no particular order……
– I remember one year going to a club, and leaving sometime after last call only to find out the subway system had stopped running, and we had to find an all night bus which would take us home, except since we lived in the next city over, the night bus (which was packed 3 times before we got on it) only went to the edge of Toronto, so we had to cab it back to Mississauga at 6 in the morning, except it took the cabs 1.5 hours to get to the convenience store that we tried to wait inside of. I think we all got home OK.

– I remember having a girlfriend who when drunk would either puke, pass out or both. Getting her home safely was always tricky, and I know the time she barfed on the subway in front of my friends wasn’t one of my favourite moments (especially when it splashed up on my shoe).

– I remember renting a hotel room for the purposes of having a little get together for any of my friends who were downtown hitting the night clubs. This way my girlfriend (later wife) and I could hang out with some people for a while, but they would all take off and go to their respective parties, and the two of us could stay in. Until the hotel unveiled a new policy for New Year’s Eve that stated that you could not enter the building unless you had a room key. I understood why…. they wanted to avoid hotel parties, but you gotta tell me that before I give you my money!!! I planned my whole night around that. My guests were being turned away at the door. I went downstairs to yell at the hotel manager, and if I tell you good people that I’ve had less than five ‘lose my mind very publicly at extreme volume’ moments in my life, this was one of them.

– I remember at another hotel party (except this time the hotel was actually throwing the party, and we had tickets, so this was pre-party, in the room shenanigans), my buddy’s sister (who had never spent New Year’s with us before) was getting hammered and toasting EVERYTHING. The famous words of the night were ‘Guys, this is the best New Year’s EVER!!!!’ After a chat with the porcelain puke collector, she was in her bed, fast asleep at 11:15 pm. She has never lived it down.

– I remember the time we rented a cottage 3.5 hours outside of the city because it was Y2K, and all the computers were supposed to malfunction, and send the world into darkness etc. Bizarre moments include a friend falling down a flight of stairs and being so drunk that he ‘didn’t feel a thing’. Having a bottle of champagne (or sparkling wine more likely) shaken, and unloaded into my chest by a girl I had never met before, and never saw again. I remember all of these so-called ‘party animals’ were asleep with the lights off before 2 am on January 1st, 2000. I remember me being in the parking lot, and coming in to find the lights were off and the party was over, and LOSING MY FUCKING SHIT because it is unacceptable for a party to end that early on December 31st 1999 even if it was the 2nd straight day of drinking and carrying-on, I’m getting upset just typing this (This was also one of the five moments, but I’m in no way embarrassed about this outburst since it was among friends, and they had it coming). I wanted to party like it was 1999. Do you know how many times I’ve said that, but IT ACTUALLY WAS 1999!! These people were asleep!!!! I’m getting angry just thinking about it. I swear if you were with these people in their poopy little University town on a cold February night, they can stay at the bar until 3 am, make you suffer through McDonald’s drive thru, and crack beers when you get back to their residence. On the greatest party night of all time, however….. lights out at 2 am!! Sidenote #1, earlier that day as we drove to a convenience store (that was 30 minutes away…ughhh), my windshield wiper flew off into a snow bank. Not just the wiper blade…. the arm of it actually snapped off, and the whole thing flew into a fresh bank of snow, not unlike a boomerang. My friend in the back (when he stopped laughing) asked if I was going to stop the car, and I deadpanned “I’ll get it on the way back” (which he thinks to this day is the funniest thing I’ve ever said). Sidenote #2, On my way back from getting the deposit from the unmistakably weird man who rented us this cottage, my car muffler snapped off at night on the Gardiner Expressway, and I watched it in the rearview mirror as it sparked, and bounced off into the distance. Luckily it was nighttime, so nobody hit it (that I saw). So much for the deposit money.

Oh man….. I’ve got a million of them. I’ve earned a couple of sleepy New Year’s Eves I think!

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December 24, 2013

Badd New Post

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

That’s what happens when you add a B to Add New Post. I wanted to call this Random Thoughts because that’s all it is, but I probably used that before, and so did every other blogger on WordPress, Blogspot and every other site that allows us to blast the universe with our mental excrement any time we feel the need. What a universe!! Anytime I want to say something to about 200 people including about 24 that I’m absolutely positive give a shit, and 176 or so that possibly do as well, but maybe not, I can do it!! (Hmmmm, do I fix that run on sentence, or just apologize for it in parentheses?) Nothing is here to hold me back other than my own lack of energy.

Some thoughts…..

Yeah, about this blogging thing….. I don’t want to get so negative right before Christmas, but how come I only have 200 followers anyways??? A lot of the bloggers I read have like 2000 followers!! I don’t think they’re 10 times better than me. I think they are probably only marginally better than me. I need to get that exponential thing happening, otherwise….. I dunno……I’m not off on Mondays anymore, and I don’t know how much longer I can push myself to do this every week. Maybe I’ll take a break at 200 posts. That would be one post for each follower. I’m no closer to writing a book than I was when I started this. Unless it’s a book of blogs….Then I’m really close to having it done. I’m running out of blog ideas though. I’m not fishing for inspirational speeches about why I should keep going either… I’m just thinking out loud. This hurts my brain some days.

I think that trailer trash mothers need to not berate their kids so loudly while on public transit. I’m not judging people who live in trailers either. It’s just the stigma…. to be honest, I have no idea where this lady lives, but nothing her 4-year-old was doing was cutting it. ‘Hold on, sit up, stand up, do up your jacket, pick up your scarf, take off your hat, put on your gloves, don’t walk, stand still, sit down, do up your shoes, tuck in your shirt’….. and on and on and on. Dammit woman… stop micromanaging the shit out of your kid on this bus ride, and lower your voice!! Your kid is gonna hate you by the time she’s six! Plus I’m trying to listen to some music. This is my quiet time where I start to unwind from work. I’m not expecting you to be quiet, but stop with the jarring voice noises!! Nothing you’ve said is important enough to say at that volume. You’re acting like you don’t have any stains on your sweatpants, but you aren’t perfect, and all you’re doing is training somebody to be miserable like you. END THE CYCLE!!!

In complete contrast to what I just said, I have another thought which I’d like to share with you. I said this to a friend a couple of years back and he said it helped him. I didn’t remember saying it when he reminded me about it recently, but it makes sense when you think about it, and I was glad he remembered. He asked me about my time working in retail for many years, and how certain bitchy and/or unreasonable customers didn’t fill me with anger to the point of exploding every single day. He wanted to know how I avoided strangling people in these situations. My answer to this is simple. I don’t know their pain. You never know what somebody is going through in their personal life, or how they’ve been treated/mistreated. Sometimes people who’s lives are spiraling out of control can get into customer service situations, and become completely unreasonable to you or I. A lot of times it’s because they can’t control what’s going on in their life, but whatever situation is happening now seems like something they can control and/or get a win out of. I don’t take these situations personally. If somebody is completely unreasonable and un-cooperative, I know deep down that it’s probably because they have other issues outside of this that are making them act that way. I try to find a resolution, and when possible I try to show them some kindness. I try to remember that I’m very fortunate in the grand scheme of things, and I have a really good life. Not everyone is as lucky as me, and if trying to win some sort of weird customer service battle is going to bring them some happiness or satisfaction, I try to let the babies have their bottles. I won’t let it bring me down.

I hope that you can all keep that in mind over the holiday season while you’re elbowing to get to the front of a line, or jostling for a parking spot. People are crazy this time of year, but only they (and sometimes not even) know why! Don’t judge them if you don’t know their pain…… Except for that lady on the bus with her kid…. she needs to take it down a notch 😉

I won’t see you until after Christmas, so I wish all of you (24 or 200 people) a wonderful holiday season. Be good to each other!

7 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

December 17, 2013

Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – The Sad, Twisted Tale

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

DON’T READ THIS TO YOUR KIDS…. I USE A LOT OF FOUL LANGUAGE IN THIS POST….. IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL WEIRD, STOP READING HERE!

I would have to say that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is the best Christmas song that isn’t ‘Little Drummer Boy’ or that Paul McCartney song that isn’t on Itunes. I was walking through a store listening to it with a fresh ear the other day, and a few things occurred to me. If you examine the lyrics a little closer, it is not a happy Christmas song, but rather a song about oppression and racism. Listen to the lyrics again with that in mind.

‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’….he’s not just a reindeer, he’s a ‘red-nosed’ reindeer. ‘Had a very shiny nose’……We’re already pointing out physical differences between him, and what’s considered to be a ‘normal’ reindeer. ‘And if you ever saw it, YOU would even say it glows’…….what they’re saying here is that his physical appearance is so different that EVEN YOU couldn’t be polite and non-judgemental. Even the least prejudice person in the world would HAVE to make a comment about Rudolph’s fucking nose.

‘All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games’…… Laughing and calling him names???? No reindeer games??? What the fuck is a reindeer supposed to do with his free time if they don’t let him play reindeer games?? They make this shit sound so temporary too, but do you know how old a reindeer has to be before he/she can fly a sleigh?? At least 14!! How did I figure that out, you ask? Well, I don’t know shit about reindeer, but a horse has to be at least 2 years old to race at your local racetrack, and there’s 7 dog years to a human year, so I figure Rudolph has to be at least 14 before they consider putting him on the sleigh. That’s 14 years of abuse! You can say this job is seasonal all you want, but reindeering is a lifestyle! He’s not a fucking volunteer firefighter for fuck sakes, this is his full-time job! He doesn’t work for 2 weeks a year and then fly back to Wisconsin for the rest of the year to chill. He lives at the North Pole (which is in Canada by the way ;)) all year round. A place where his nose is just so fucking red, that EVEN YOU would say it glows.

‘Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say’……Santa, the absentee landlord of the north pole. Enabler of bad reindeer behavior, who’s lost all control of the workplace, and done NOTHING to promote equality among his workers. ‘Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight’….HOW CONVENIENT that Santa just happens to have a freak of nature in his back pocket to play on a foggy night. ‘Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history.’

The story ends happily ever after, right? Rudolph takes the high road. Saves Christmas. Proves himself useful, and earns his place among the ‘normal’ reindeer, maybe even going down in history. Maybe. There’s a part of me that always wants that song to end a little differently. Perhaps in the style of Bing Crosby or Perry Como or one of those guys that used to talk in the middle of the song a bit. There would still be a bit of music in the background, but it could turn into one of those breakdowns in the middle of a song, where they talk to each other instead of sing. It could be a conversation between Santa and Rudolph, and it would go a bit like this…..(When you do the Rudolph voice in your mind, it only works if it’s that high-pitched Rudolph voice from that TV special that used to come on every year… you know the one)

Santa: Say, Rudolph…it’s gonna be a foggy one out there tonight.

Rudolph: Yeah Santa, yeah??

Santa: You know the other reindeer just tease you cuz they like ya, right??

Rudolph: Really Santa?? Really?? You mean the last 14 years of suffering and abuse was all out of love??? Wow!!!

Santa: Yeah, and you’ve been a good sport about it too! I was thinkin….. since you’ve been such a good sport, and since you’ve got that red nose and all…….I’ve got an offer for you….. how would you like to guide my sleigh tonight??? Right in the front!!

Rudolph: Wow!! Really Santa??

Santa: Really Rudolph….. Head Reindeer in charge!

Rudolph: Santa??

Santa: Yes Rudolph….

Rudolph: I have a counter offer for you…

Santa: What might that be????

Rudolph: DROP DEAD, YOU FAT USELESS FUCK!! AND FUCK ALL YOU BLACK NOSED FUCKERS, I HOPE YOU CRASH INTO AN AIRPLANE!!!!! RUDOLPH OUT!!!

Rudolph flies to Wisconsin for a better life.

The end.

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

December 12, 2013

Holiday Shopping Lineup Stream Of Consciousness

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Shit……I can’t believe I waited this long……This is a long time to lineup for Yoga Pants……Ass sculpting pants that I believe them to be……Still too long…….I would love to line up half this long, and pay half this money……Awww man it’s hot in here, should I take off my jacket?…… I think an underarm sweat just dripped down my side……gross…….it tickles…….look at this chick trying to convince her husband that she needs that jacket……just get it…….if you think he’s gonna sign off on that, you’re crazy……nobody NEEDS a $300 jacket…..he doesn’t care, he just wants to leave this store…..just buy it so he can go watch football……do you think you’re gonna feel better if he ‘buys in’??……not gonna happen, just get it…….or don’t……but put the poor guy out of his misery……I can’t believe I ate McDonald’s before getting into this lineup……I read an article last week about how it was unfit for human consumption……and I ate it less than a week later……I suck……Maybe I should do yoga again…..I sweat too much…….like a faucet……so embarrassing…….I like these inspirational quotes on the wall…….”Friends are more important than money”……. that’s hilarious coming from a store that charges this much for Yoga Pants…….”Do one thing a day that scares you”…….I ate McDonald’s before lining up at Lululemon in December……..”Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel”……These are hilarious…..Who comes up with this shit?……… I would love to get a job creating inspirational quotes….. How about this one….. “The world is your hamburger……”…..Harder than I thought……I thought I had something there……Man, this McDonald’s is affecting my mind……Who brings their kids to the mall and expects to get feedback on purchases?…… That’s dumb…..What does an 8-year-old know about fashion?……Are you trying to keep them engaged in what’s happening???? Give them a toy….. Or tell them to read the quotes on the wall……I wonder how high/drunk/sweaty Rob Ford would be if he had to line up here…..Why do so many people have Canada Goose jackets??….. So expensive…..What’s an Arctic Program??…..I wanna be a part of an Arctic Program, do I have to buy a jacket or is it ‘no purchase necessary’?…….People in the city do not need that kind of protection….. Get over yourself, you just walk from the parking lot to the office……Is it really a program, or just a badge, or are they trying to make people feel like they’re in a club so they can sell more jackets?……that’s dumb….. Why do I feel like I want to be a part of it?…..I want to be in the Arctic right now, cut a hole in the frozen lake, and have a sea otter pop out and play with me…… that would be cool…..This lineup is slow…..Are they selling warranties or something???….. I better not buy a warranty, my wife always gets mad……I wonder what the return policy is….. This gift better work out, I am not coming back here……Wow, they have menswear here??….. What self-respecting man…… who cares….. I wonder how much Santa Claus gets paid?…..He can’t be doing all this for free……I’m gonna get into the eggnog a bit more this year…… I always forget about it until Christmas Eve, but I think I should keep some in the fridge for the whole month…… I have lots of dark rum……. I wish I was doing something way more glamorous right now…… I should be in France or something…… eating pastries…….Ughhh this music is too uplifting…… It’s having the reverse effect….. I want to go on an angry rampage……that would be dumb…… I’ll continue to wait quietly….. I wish I could get paid handsomely for waiting for stuff….. I’m pretty patient, and perfect for the job I would imagine…….I would totally wait for stuff all the time if it was my job……It sucks that I’m not getting paid right now…….That’s what makes it unpleasant……Plus these shoppers are idiots….. Just get the first one you picked up…..The gut instinct is almost always right….. The shirts you’re looking at are getting uglier and uglier the longer you stay here…..Oh my god I’m near the front of the line…….I feel like I’m being rescued from a deserted island after 5 years……. this is awesome…….”that will be on credit, please!”

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized