Pooperbowl

That was the most god-awful display of football I’ve ever watched. I’ve never been so infuriated with anything in my life. Actually one of the teams played really well. It’s the other team I have a problem with. The Denver Broncos. I don’t normally give a flying shit about the Denver Broncos, but today I happened to have $50 on them to win the Super Bowl. So I’m disappointed that they didn’t win, but it isn’t about the money.

It’s about the time and energy I wasted on the Superbowl experience. Being a San Francisco 49ers fan, I’m already kind of pissed off that they narrowly missed being in this game. What’s making me really mad is the fact that their opposition (should they have made it to this game) played one of the worst games in football history which would have made it all too easy for my 49ers to have won the Superbowl, and for me to be celebrating right now instead of blogging. However, my 49ers were not playing in this game, so other than the bet I made, and my dislike for the coach of the Seahawks (which I can’t really explain, other than I hate the sight of him…. irrational, I know), I had no real interest in the winner or loser of this game.

That said, it’s the Superbowl, and I watch every year, because it’s a tradition. I typically enjoy things associated with a Superbowl, like pizza or nachos, or chili. Perhaps beer depending on my mood. I also like watching football. Today however, one of the teams decided not to bother playing football. They decided that they should travel half way across the country, sit through the anthems the media the pre-game hype, and then proceed to walk out onto the field and shit the bed with millions of people watching. I’m personally offended by their effort tonight. I could have been anywhere in the world, but I was here on my couch with no real choice other than to believe that at some point in the evening, the Denver Broncos would actually show up to the game and start to take an active interest in what was going on.

This was a total shit-show. A barn-burner. The Broncos got their asses served right back to them, skewered, and covered in fish sauce, with a Starbucks for the road. It was an abomination. They were obliterated. I feel bad for the player’s children who have to now grow up with the knowledge that their father’s Superbowl game plan was to show up and play like complete amateurs in hopes that maybe it would throw off their opponent somehow. I feel sorry for the 2nd string bench warmers who must have realized that on their worst days, they couldn’t play as bad as the starters did, but were powerless to do anything about it. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say it was a fix. I can only imagine how disappointing it is to be a Broncos fan tonight. A team that thought so little of their fan base, that they decided to arrive at the Superbowl completely unprepared to do anything even remotely resembling playing competitive football. I feel bad for Bruno Mars, and his band, and the Red Hot Chili Peppers, all of whom have probably always dreamed about performing at a Superbowl halftime show, and when they finally get their chance (and do a fantastic job by the way), their performance will always be tainted by the association of the shittiest Superbowl in the history of the NFL book-ending their musical brilliance. I feel bad for citizens of the United States of America because Superbowl Sunday is such a big deal for you guys, and I’m positive that at least 25% of Americans will now start watching CFL football instead, in hopes of wiping the horrible memory of this Superbowl out of their consciousness forever.

For those non-Football fans who perhaps think that I’m being mean while describing the losing team, and how their complete lack of basic execution has almost turned me off football forever, I am not being mean. No team this talented can play this badly unless they absolutely didn’t care about the paying public, or their sport or any sense of professionalism that might come with being an adult. Yes the Seattle Seahawks are a great team, but I think there are high school teams in remote parts of the South Pacific that could have put on a better showing than the Denver Broncos did. I’m personally offended that they didn’t think enough of my 3 hours of personal time to have put forth a better effort. My wife is offended that she went through the trouble to make a delicious chili for me, and I was unable to digest it properly because every muscle in the interior of my body was constricting with anger the entire time I was viewing the game. I think Tim Tebow is personally offended that all of this has happened as well because at no point during his tenure did they screw the pooch even remotely close to the way they did tonight.

May we never have to suffer through anything like this again.