Tag Archives: Humor

September 30, 2013

Ridin’ Coattails

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Ridin’ Coattails!!!! No, it’s not the name of my new rock band!! It’s a way of life. I can’t seem to get my mind off it lately. The recent success of a couple of my close friends has me re-thinking the way I’ve gone about my life. All this ‘going to work’…… all these ‘creative endeavours’ on the side….. What’s it all for?? Do I need this for my ego? My sense of self-worth? Let’s face it, I work for money. Now what if…. Just what if I knew someone whose career just blew up? Like an actor, singer, gangster or politician? Well they just might need an entourage, or at least one flunky to run around and do fun errands for them. The said individual might be in line for some decent renumeration, depending of course, on the success, and riches of the successful actor-singer-gangster-politician. In my short life, I’ve unfortunately never been in a position where I could even consider giving up my livelihood to be a member of a fun entourage that could live off the table scraps of the rich and famous. I feel like that is all about to change, and it has provided some clarity regarding my long-term employment goals.

I have a friend who recently directed a short film called “The Lamp”. First of all, it’s awesome! He’s awesome! It gets better. He hired my other friend to be the cinematographer of this particular film. This guy is awesome too! (As I writer I should strive to not describe two people as being awesome in the same paragraph, particularly in separate sentences….it would have been OK in the same sentence, like ‘these guys are awesome’, but the thing is, because they are both friends, and potential entourage havers, I don’t want to use different descriptors in case one seems better than the other, and then it looks like I’m playing favorites, because in reality I would be in either entourage if the opportunity arose.) I’m very excited this week. “The Lamp” has been selected for the Vancouver International Film Festival. It will be part of a ‘Shorts’ program called “Objects of Desire” running on October 3rd and 10th. This is big news!! Neither of these guys were doing this 2 years ago, and to be selected to a film festival?? Now I had never heard of the Vancouver International Film Festival before this, but I HAVE heard of Vanvouver, and I HAVE heard of Film Festivals, and I’m familiar with the term ‘International’, so I have no reason to believe that this isn’t earth shattering amazingness!!!!

http://www.viff.org/festival/films/f8618-the-lamp

Anybody that is an artist working in Canada knows that there’s no money in it, but I believe in long-shots. I believe that anybody can be a Drake or a Dan Akroyd. I also believe that you have to start ridin’ coattails early if you want to be a proper flunky. You gotta prove that you were with them from day one. I’ve not been shy about planting seeds for this either. I’ve made them both aware of my intentions. So much so, that I think I’ve been a little over-bearing. I’ve noticed that they are now both starting to leave about a 3 hour gap before returning my text messages, hoping I’ll stop being so creepy. I won’t stop though. Not until I reach the top. This is my new chosen career path!! Trevor Juras – Director Extraordinaire, and Othello Ubalde – Cinematographer Extraordinaire (again…. same theory as calling them both awesome, applies here as well), consider this my application form. When you guys get rich and famous from your considerable skill and ability, and you need someone to make Kool-Aid, shop for linens, fetch cigarettes, hire catering companies, play records, or even write a blog to increase your online presence……. I’d be happy to step in. I hope down the road, there will be pension and medical benefits involved, but for now I’ll work for beers.

I’m just kidding…. I have a wife and kid man, I don’t have time for that shit! All in all though, I wish these guys all the best at their first film festival, and continued success in the movie business. If you are curious at all about this short film, here’s a short preview.

THE LAMP

ADDENDUM ALERT!!!!!

So I texted Othello and Trevor a few minutes ago to get permission to show the link and drop their names. I always ask for permission before dropping names as a ‘respect for privacy’ thing. Funny that Drake and Dan Akroyd didn’t get back to me….. anyways, Othello told me that they JUST FOUND OUT they will be added to the ‘Toronto After Dark Film Festival’ coming up in late October. So it’s no fluke…. ‘The Lamp’ is doing big things! Hopefully I can go to this one! You guys need your shoes polished?? Need some Kool-Aid?? Let me know 😉 Congrats again guys!

http://torontoafterdark.com/2013/

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

September 16, 2013

Vienna Calling

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I love vacations. Especially vacations that involve travelling to new places. What’s perhaps even better is looking back on vacations you’ve been on. I can’t speak for everyone, but when I’m looking back on things, my imagination makes them way better than they may have actually been. I’ll be looking at pictures, and even if I was outside freezing my ass off all day, I’ll be like ‘Isn’t the snow beautiful?’ Even if I spent half the evening arguing with my wife, I’ll be like ‘Wasn’t that an amazing buffet?’

Last Monday my wife and I were having lunch, (just before my ill-fated trip to Teavana which I blogged about last week) and reminiscing about our trip to Vienna, Austria. It was our honeymoon after all (mind you, we took a road trip to New York and Boston, post-wedding, pre-Austria, and while we had a blast, we decided it was NOT our honeymoon). Vienna is a bit sexier to talk about from a honeymoon perspective, and neither of us had ever been there. In fact, we hadn’t been to Europe together at all. We decided to do it as a little mini-trip for 4 days. Loyal readers, let me assure you that this is the dumbest possible idea, and you should never try it yourself. It’s totally not worth the airfare or jet lag to only stay for 4 days. I thought there were a few things about Vienna that I’d like to share with you. Not that I want to turn this into a travel blog or anything, but I don’t have anything that I’m really fired up about right now.

– When we got to the airport after flying overnight on Austrian Airlines (which we liked), we had to go through customs. The customs officer looked at our passports, looked at us and said ‘have a good day’. I’m so used to going to the States and feeling like I’m one shifty look away from being strip searched. They didn’t even ask us any questions in Austria. Nice.

– The hotel we stayed at was a boutique hotel that we got a great deal on since we were travelling in their ‘off season’ for tourism. It would have been crazy expensive. We took a cab there from a train station. When we told the cab driver where we were staying, he practically BEGGED us to let him take us somewhere else. We didn’t let him since it was already paid for, but we were curious to know why. In his opinion, and the opinions of a lot of the locals, this hotel was an abomination, and he was just doing his part to try to steer business away from them. Here’s the thing….. it was the most gorgeous hotel that I’ve ever stayed at. What’s interesting to me is the difference in attitude towards old vs new that Europeans have as opposed to North Americans. I don’t mean to paint everyone with the same brush here, but Vienna is a city very rich in history, and architecture that is centuries old. Their idea of new, is restoring something old, and I get that. In North America we level old buildings to build new buildings all the time. There are some places that are well restored and historical, but they’re few and far between. I get that too. I just found it interesting that a new hotel with a fairly artistic design could be so offensive to someone. Pictures don’t do it justice, but I’ll include a couple.

Outside of the hotel at night.

Outside of the hotel at night.

Simple, yet modern and elegant.

Simple, yet modern and elegant.

From an inside lounge area at night looking out to the city.

From an inside lounge area at night looking out to the city.

– Something Vienna is definitely known for is the coffee shops. For every Tim Horton’s in Canada or Dunkin Donuts in the States, Europe seems to have a ‘one of a kind’, amazing coffee shop with incredible baked goodies. You almost can’t throw a baseball in Vienna without hitting three of them. There were no drive-thru shops that I could see either. The emphasis seems to be ‘come in and sit down… enjoy your coffee and cigarette, and leave when you’re ready’. A way different lifestyle than ‘hurry the fuck up, I’m late for work’. One I could get used to perhaps.

– Final thought was I wonder if I’ll hear any Falco on the radio. As a nerd for 80’s music trivia, I of course remember the Austrian pop star who’s most famous hit was ‘Rock Me Amadeus’, and his follow-up single ‘Vienna Calling’ (which I borrowed for this blog title… did anyone get that?) seemed to be the song that was going through my head for 4 days while in the city. Falco is the biggest international pop star to ever come out of Austria, and if you’re curious, I DID actually hear a Falco song on the radio while I was there. I was sad to learn that he had died in a car crash in 1998. R.I.P. Falco!!!!

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

September 10, 2013

Adventures In Loose Leaf Tea

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There’s a situation that went down today which is kind of embarrassing. The word of my foolishness is fast spreading, and I need to get ahead of this by telling my side of the story via my blog. This definitely isn’t the coolest thing I’ve ever done, but if I can’t write about it, then there was absolutely no point in it even happening.

The afternoon started innocently enough. My wife and I were having lunch together at a pretty nice restaurant, and I remember that the beer I ordered had inspired a blog topic I was happy to have as it was already mid-day, and if you’ve been following me for a while, you know that Monday is blog day come hell or high water. That particular blog topic will now have to wait until next week providing I still remember it, but I will remember it, because I’ve written it down. Here. Just now. In this paragraph. When lunch was over, we were walking out to the car. My wife had an appointment, but we had 10 minutes before we had to leave the shopping area we were in. She had a store she wanted to go into, as did I. So we went our separate ways for a few minutes.

The store I wanted to go into was called Teavana. I don’t know much about these stores, but they seem to have been popping up all over the place. I’m a little out of touch with current trends, but I’m guessing the popularity of loose leaf tea is growing in these parts. As it should. We’ve recently acquired a Tea Press, and a few bags of different teas to try. It’s a bit of a nuisance to be honest due to the brewing variance between different types, but the teas I’ve tried have been really good, and I’ve gotten into a bit of a habit of drinking loose leaf tea in the evenings now. I can’t tell why I like this. Maybe because it’s a superior product, but sadly it’s probably because I just think it’s cool.

When I walked into Teavana, I saw their sample dispensers outside the front door. This was an outdoor mall, so the bees were going to town on these dispensers. I decided against having a sample. I went in thinking I would get a couple of new teas to try. Not because we need them. I have a few in the queue already, but I keep thinking ‘when’s the next time I’ll see a tea shop?’ even though I’ve been seeing one pretty much every week. The staff were friendly and eager to help me right off the bat. I told them the truth. That I was new at this, and looking to try a couple of new teas. I also mentioned to stay away from fruit/citrus varieties because my wife thinks they taste like “hot juice”.

I have to preamble this next part by mentioning that I’ve worked in Retail at various points in my life, and have a a lot of respect for a great salesperson with amazing customer service. You would think I’d be numb to this, but I see it done really well so infrequently that I’m actually quite succeptable to their charms, and will buy just about anything that they sell as long as I like the sales pitch. The guy at Teavana was amazing. He totally took charge and pulled out 4 of his favorite varieties. He started telling me about the different ones, and let me have a whiff of the aromas. One of them we’d already tried, and one of them didn’t smell that great to me, so I settled on the other two. I was kind of zoning out and looking around the store at all the accessories when he was explaining some of the teas. I could have sworn he said that one of them was hand picked by Monkeys that were trained by Monks to pick tea. I was caught up. These are gonna be awesome. Then the salesperson was asking if I wanted X amount in order to get a quantity discount. Again, not paying too much attention to the details of the transaction, but just taking in the atmosphere of the store, and thinking about drinking my monkey picked tea later on, I was like ‘yeah man, get me the quantity discount’. I was on some sort of purchasing high. I can only assume that people feel this way right before they buy fur coats. So he scoops this tea into a couple of bags while trying to up-sell me an airtight container, and a tea press and who knows what else. ‘I’m good man, just the tea’ I say, as I’m marveling at this guys sales techniques. He rings it in and says $201.00. Then it hit me…….WHAT IN GOD’S NAME AM I DOING BUYING $200 worth of tea??? I’m really embarrassed at this point, because my wife is now in the store, and I don’t know if she heard that, but as much as I love this guy as a sales person, I just can’t take $200 worth of tea.

To say I don’t know where it all went wrong wouldn’t even be true. I could act like the victim here, but the truth is, this transaction spiraled out of control due to my lazy mind thinking about things other than what I was doing, and while this guy did talk really fast, I was making no attempt to do a mental tally of the cost of this tea adventure. All I kept thinking was, ‘It’s Tea, how much could it possibly be?’ So I had to back peddle and tell the guy that I couldn’t take that much. I apologized and asked him to cut the quantaties in half so I could save face a bit. Unfortunately that still meant that I was spending $100 on tea which was still wildly unreasonable, but at this point I’d committed to it and was willing to take it as a loss. My wife was a good sport as the transaction was happening, because she would have been well within her rights to step in and get that total down to $40. She instead decided to take it out on me by laughing at me all the way home, and for the rest of the day leading up to this very minute. She’s told all of her friends about this encounter, and they are all having jokes at my expense.

‘Laugh all you want’ is my attitude. I’m going to be enjoying my monkey picked tea in the dark, by candle light, with cucumber slices on my eyes, listening to Miles Davis, basking in the unparalleled bliss that can only be achieved through purchasing $100 worth of loose leaf tea on a Monday afternoon. Any of you mouth breathing, simple minded, diet coke drinking haters that have a problem with that will never know the true secret to peace and happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not buying that?? Fine! I screwed up. The worst part is that through further research I found out that monkeys picking tea is only legend, and today just terminology for premium quality tea.

Get your laughs in.

Illustration of the legend of monkeys harvesting tea - from Wikipedia

Illustration of the legend of monkeys harvesting tea – from Wikipedia

19 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

September 3, 2013

Fan Of The Game

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

An Open Letter To The Drunk Guy At The Football Game……..

Dear Friend,

Yes I say friend, because after watching you make an idiot of yourself for the last hour and a half, I feel like I know you. Also, after your persistent attempts to interact with every single person in the stadium, I feel like you know me too. You probably know me as a quiet enough guy, who eats a pizza slice, and has a beer or two while watching the football game. I know you as a complete shit-show of drunk, trying to be a stand up comedian a few rows in front of me.

I shouldn’t be surprised that I saw you here tonight. It seems I see a different you, every time I go to a game, or a movie, or some sort of live performance. It’s the same role played by a different performer each time. This version of you is wearing a Calgary Stampeders jersey, so I already know you’re in my town cheering for the wrong team. Which is cool. I respect a fan that will travel to see an out-of-town game. You’ve got your sidekick with you too who is also wearing a jersey, also drunk, but only 75% as loud as you. Yeah, you’re the ringleader. The man with the plan.

Your style of experience disruption is probably my favourite one. You’re the guy that stands up every time something good happens to your team (it helps that you’re cheering for the wrong team, otherwise you wouldn’t stand out, and nobody would pay attention to you), and instead of facing the field, and clapping/yelling/cheering or some other fan-related reaction, you’re facing the fans behind you, and looking them in the face. Somewhere between the 3rd and 4th beer, you started to see warmth in their smiles. They started hanging on your every comment instead of looking at you with contempt or indifference. Even the females in the crowd started paying attention to you! Your team is even up by two touchdowns. Tonight’s your night bro! Now instead of standing up every 5 minutes to say something dumb, you just aren’t going to bother sitting back down because you are in such high demand…. people are dying to know what next bit of hilarity will escape your soul. You should be paid a commission for the amount of entertainment you add to the whole fan experience (You mean I get to watch a football game AND listen to this doorknob all night? Double bonus for me!!). If only I could be in the same row as you so I could have beer spilled on my head as you walk by. It would be so excellent if I could be close enough to give you a handshake or a high-five every time you said something awesome (which is always). I can only sit several rows back and quietly pray for MORE WITTY BANTER!!

Less Football, More You!

Yours Truly
Thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants

The highlight of the night came when security finally came down to talk to this guy. I think everyone was dying to see him get booted, but when he saw security come, he fell in line and was quiet and remorseful. Then I heard a guy a few rows back yell ‘You’re sittin’ down now, eh Jackass??’

Is hilarity a word?

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 26, 2013

People Disappoint Me….. As They Should!

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

When I was a kid I was vaguely aware that a lot of other kids were a bunch of whiny assholes. I probably was one as well, to be fair. The funny thing is that I always had this sense that the situation would improve as I got older. I don’t know if it was me being optimistic, or just having faith in the theory of people maturing as time moved on. I suppose there are a lot more examples of people growing up, then not, but it’s the ones where they don’t that stick out in my mind. I’m not going to list off all the times that I thought grown adults acted like 6-year-olds. That would take forever, and I just don’t have that kind of time or attention span. I just want to say that as an adult, I’m disappointed when I see other adults behaving like they just started going to school for the ‘full-day classes’. That said, who am I to judge? What did I think was going to happen? We’re the same exact people that we were when we were 6. Just older. Most of us evolved some, but when the pressure’s on, sometimes that ‘inner 6-year-old’ has to take over and weigh in with his/her opinions and antics. It’s probably too much to expect that we could have completely gotten to a point where that doesn’t come out anymore. Could a world full of mature people even exist? What would that be like? It could be awesome, but maybe it would have its own share of problems that I can’t quite foresee. So…. I guess it’s OK?

Politics is my favorite example. When you read about it in the paper, they use fancy words like conjecture, posturing, and semantics. That’s because there are intelligent people writing about a non-intelligent situation. When you watch some coverage of them operating on TV, and these people are some of the most immature we have in society. The way they argue with each other, airing out their pissy little grievances with their selfish little agendas….. forming their little cliques and alliances….these are the people we depend on to run our towns/cities/provinces/states/countries! It’s disappointing. I don’t normally follow politics for this reason. Every time I feel like I might be interested, there’s some display of foolishness and incompetence that I’d rather just not know about, which drives me away. You know what though? They’re people. Not unlike the people in the first paragraph. Except these people are more interested in power, and they want to be shot callers! Oh sure, there are a few martyrs out there too that just give and give and give themselves for the betterment of society (if that’s what you choose to believe), but at the root of it all, none of these people would have had any interest in politics if it weren’t at least somewhat in their nature to want to be shot-callers. You put a bunch of shot-callers in the same room all day, and make the stakes incredibly high, and what do you get?? Conjecture, posturing, and semantics….. all fucking day! What did we expect?

Finally, there’s a story in Toronto about a police officer who shot a suspect carrying a knife 8 times (on 9 shots) and killed him. I feel like this news story plays different in Canada than it would in the States, but the media is all over the police department for excessive violence. As they should be. There has to be a better way to take down a suspect. The way this has all played out in the media has been totally one-sided though. What happened to a person taking some responsibility for being there with a knife in the first place? Also not dropping it when the police told him to? I don’t know the whole back story, and very little has been mentioned about what was really happening at the time the police arrived, but the victim at very least made a decision to carry a knife that day, and the rest isn’t that important to me. I can’t give him advice now, but I will say this to any of you out there that might get into some shit. If you are wielding a knife, and a bunch of cops are there asking you to put it down, you might not be expecting to die at that moment, but you HAVE to respect the fact that it could happen. That’s just common sense. Right or wrong, police are human beings, and it’s not an automatic that you will just get tasered or shot in the leg. If you make them mad, there’s always a chance that you could get lit up. I want to believe that the police are generally good people. I want to believe that they don’t get into situations like that on purpose. They are just people though. Who knows if you got them into a corner, or underneath their skin enough? Everyone has a breaking point. They carry guns. I have a theory that most cops have violent tendencies. I would think that it’s a bit of a requirement for their job. If you are hoping to never be in any type of altercation, than you aren’t likely to try to become a police officer. There has to be something in your personality which suggests that you wouldn’t mind walking around with a gun, and if push came to shove, you wouldn’t mind using it. If this wasn’t the case, why would you become a cop? Oh, I’m sure just as in the above paragraph that there are some absolute saints who become cops just because they want to help clean up the city. For every one of those, there have to be at least one or two tough guys that would love to carry a gun and be an authority figure. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re out there fighting the good fight, but I certainly wouldn’t wave a knife at one of them.

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 20, 2013

Do We Really Need It?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was watching a TV commercial the other day. If I knew I’d be blogging about it, I would have tried to remember what product they were selling. It could have been a phone, but not necessarily. There was a 3 second clip of a girl’s hand reaching out from behind the shower curtain and changing which song was playing on her phone…… Now as someone who takes the music I listen to very seriously, I have to ask….. How long is your friggin shower that you can’t sort out a 3 or 4 song playlist, or that you don’t have the attention span to get through it without reaching for your phone to put on a different ‘shower song’? We ARE a society that needs our phones, I get it, but do we need them SO badly that they have to be in the shower with us?

What about hashtags??? Not being a huge Twitter guy, this was explained to me as a way to organize your thoughts or connect with other people. From where I’m standing, it’s a corny punchline opportunity at the end of your status update. Have we really organized our statuses, and went back and looked through them? Have we gotten a bunch of new followers? Or have we just #triedtogetacheaplaughattheendofourstatusupdate?
It’s kind of dumb. Let’s stop.

Do we really need to know what’s going on in Lindsay Lohan’s life? I haven’t seen any of her movies. I don’t want to downplay her accomplishments, but she’s spent way more time on TV for partying too hard, then she has for being an actress. My personal opinion is that what someone does things on their own time, it’s their own business, but at least if the Gossip Mag taste-makers decide who they’re going to follow around, and report every move they make as news…..make it someone I’ve heard of.

Light Peanut Butter. Give me a break guys…. I’m all for making healthy changes, but with 25% less fat, it doesn’t even taste like peanut butter. The graininess of it chafing my throat on the way down. It’s so awful, what a horrible invention. Nobody’s getting fat from peanut butter. Get over it. We don’t need this product. It looks too much like the regular one. Sometimes we buy it by accident. Just get it off the shelves. Also, I’m pretty sure whole wheat bread hasn’t saved all the lives you think it has.

Swag is either short for swagger or its free shit. Make up your mind. It’s a dumb word for either if you ask me. Swagger is probably the easiest two-syllable word to say in the English language, it doesn’t need a short form. Swag?? Free shit?? I don’t get it. According to Urbandictionary.com it’s an acronym for ‘secretly we are gay’. Who knew?

Speed bumps are popping up everywhere. I understand they serve a purpose sometimes, but I hate going over them. It just pisses me off when they are in unnecessary locations. Especially traffic calming zones. How much did you assholes pay for your house that we have to drive slow on your street, but fast everywhere else? It makes me want to ‘accidentally’ smash my car into the tree on someone’s front yard just to prove that they don’t work. Give me a break.

Pre-season Football. I love the NFL, but pre-season sucks. None of the good players play. It’s too long. None of the information from pre-season ever helps me with my fantasy team. It’s just a waste of time. Start the season already!!!

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 12, 2013

50 Things About Me

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I stopped taking the train. So many of my blog topics resulted from craziness I would witness on public transit. I’m out of ideas man…. fresh out! So I decided to cheat a bit this week. You know those annoying surveys that people fill out on Facebook, and then try to get you to fill out?? I decided to fill one of those out and post here for my faithful readers who wanted to get to know me a bit better (as I’m sure it’s totally keeping you up at night that you don’t know me well enough….. or not so much). Some of these surveys were designed for teenagers. They were basic as shit. I had to root through a few lists before I found one that I didn’t hate as much. Questions 2 and 3 grabbed my attention. Right to the point. As I’m writing this, I haven’t even read the rest of the questions, but I promise I will answer them relatively honestly 🙂

1) Favorite object in your room?
My bed…. this is way too easy.

2) Have you ever smoked heroin
No. I haven’t injected it into my veins either.

3) Do you own guns?
No. I’m Canadian.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
What’s Sonic? I’m Canadian.

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Yes. Like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think it’s the best meal you can get for $3.

7) Favorite song?
Electric Relaxation – A Tribe Called Quest

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee

9) Can you do push ups?
I think so, but I wouldn’t know.

10) Can you do a chin up?
As long as we’re just talking about one, then yes.

11) What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring. I don’t wear any other jewelry.

12) do you like blue cheese?
Yes. Love it!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup. ‘wreck’ seems like it would mean a major collision. Only one of those, but I’ve definitely hit stuff with my car on other occasions. In fact, my car is at the body shop as we speak.

14) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
I’m a procrastinator. I’m way more effective when I just do stuff.

15) Middle name?
Sorry, I know I said I’d answer everything, but paranoid about identity theft etc.

16) Name 3 thoughts going through your head at this moment?
Man, I hope this blog doesn’t suck. These questions better get better or this blog is gonna suck. These answers better get better or this blog is gonna suck.

17) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
I was not at a store yesterday, but to make this answer more interesting, if money were no object and I could go back in time, I would have bought a car, a house, and an entertainment system.

18) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Water, coffee, beer.

19) Name 3 foods you eat regularly?
Chicken Wings, Salmon, Steak.

20) Current worry?
That I’ll hate my next job.

21) Current hate right now?
I hate how summer is zipping by at light speed. Summers used to last forever. Every day seems like 5 minutes to me.

22) Do you spend Christmas with extended family?
Yes on my wife’s side. My family is super small, and our extended family is out-of-town.

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
I don’t even remember. I’m pretty sure we were in bed, and I’m not even sure if we were awake. In my defence, I spent many years partying with the best of them, and New Year’s eve was my favourite night of the year to go out, but we just had our son in mid-October, and were sleep deprived, so…… I’m not as lame as I sound.

24) Where would you like to be right now?
Vegas baby.

25) Name three people who will complete this?
Hopefully nobody. This aint no Facebook thing.

26) Do you own slippers?
No.

27) What shirt are you wearing?
A blue and green golf shirt.

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
What am I? A pimp?

29) Can you whistle?
Yes.

30) Which hand do you use to write?
Right.

31) Would you be a pirate?
I’ve been a pirate. On Halloween. I was a pretty kick-ass pirate too, as I recall.

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower, but ‘With or Without You’ by U2 is my song when in the car by myself.

33) Favorite girl’s name?
I don’t have one. Lucky I didn’t have a girl.

34) Favorite boy’s name?
Julian.

35) What’s in your pocket?
Nothing.

36) Last person that made you laugh?
My wife. When we watch baseball together, and the pitching coach comes to the mound to talk to the pitcher, she re-enacts what she thinks they are saying to each other. “Throw strikes!!” “I’ve been trying to throw strikes…. they just haven’t been strikes” “OK, but you need to throw strikes…. so I’m gonna go sit down on the bench, and you start throwing strikes OK?” “Ok, I’ll start throwing strikes”………it goes on and on, but she does a funny voice, and you really have to be there, but trust me, it’s hilarious.

37) Best bed sheets as a child?
I had a Sesame Street pillow which had that front stoop on it. This is pre-Elmo days, but I’m pretty sure Big Bird, Oscar, Grover, Bert & Ernie were there. I would assume I had matching sheets, but I don’t remember the sheets that well.

38) Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I broke my elbow playing basketball. I was driving to the basket, and as I jumped, some short guy under-cut me, and I started to go down head first. Instead of bracing myself right away, I tried to put a little extra English on the lay-up. I ended up cracking my elbow. I did score the basket though. It was spectacular….. but I was in a cast for 6 weeks.

39) Do you love where you live?
Yes. Toronto is one of the greatest cities in the world, and Canada is one of the greatest countries to live in the world. I couldn’t be happier.

40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

41) Who is your loudest friend?
Hard to say. You know what they say if you can’t figure out who the loudest friend is?? It’s you!

42) How many dogs do you have?
Zero. How assumptive was that?

43) Does someone have a crush on you?
Of course. In my mind, dozens of women have crushes on me. It may not be true.

45) Did you notice that there is no number 44?
Yeah. When I copied and pasted the questionnaire, I noticed this question, but I probably would not have noticed otherwise.

46) What is your favorite candy?
I don’t know. Werther’s Originals?? The ones with chocolate on the inside.

47) Favorite Sports Team?Â
Toronto Blue Jays

48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
That I haven’t been to? I was hoping for Switzerland. Although I do have this nasty little Vegas habit, and that is probably where I’ll end up.

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Washing the dishes. FML

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I remembered that my son crawled for the first time last night, and I wondered if he was excited about today.

🙂

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

August 6, 2013

Today’s the Day

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So I woke up this morning and thought ‘Today’s the day I’m going to get a tattoo on my calf muscle to symbolize my belief in the jellyfish equality movement’…. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I get a pair of loafers to wear with no socks’……. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I finally paint my fingernails blue, but do the ring fingers white for an accent colour’……. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I buy an old beat up bike, and ride around downtown with no helmet or respect for the rules of the road, but engage in self-righteous dialogue about how there aren’t enough bike lanes’…….and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I crack open that book I bought (you know, the one about the top 100 foods to eat that will make you look younger), and buy a Costco sized supply of the top 10 foods, and blend them together into a smoothie that will be so healthy, it will launch me back into childhood within 3 weeks of regular consumption……. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I start writing letters to all of my family and friends in invisible ink so they can wonder how much I care about them’…….. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I set up an elaborate course with 100,000 dominoes in the pattern of the Queen’s head, and film it falling on Youtube, and become an internet sensation’…….. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I go for one of those Japanese pedicures where little fish eat the dead skin off your feet’…… then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I buy a car for cheap, fix it up, and re-sell it for what I was hoping would be a profit, but actually ends up costing me $150 to launch a car flipping business, and get top quality business cards printed up, with pens and mugs on the way for Christmas’………and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I sweat to the oldies’…….. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I bake, and bake with cinnamon’…… and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I head down to the train tracks and re-popularize the game of chicken’……. and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I start that book I’ve been meaning to write’…….. and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I go through all my high school yearbooks and call up everyone that ever left me their phone numbers, and ask how their summer was’……….and then I thought ‘no, today is the day to start that upscale nightclub themed lemon-aid stand that I’ve always talked about, OR find investors for that lemon-aid stand themed nightclub I’ve always talked about’…….and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I’m going to start cross training in anticipation of that thing that I’m not going to get around to doing’…… and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I’m going to write a letter to Pepsi demanding to see supporting evidence that it was really the preferable drink in that Pepsi Challenge’……then I thought ‘no, today is going to be the day that I’m going to purchase season one of “The Price is Right” and start watching them all from the beginning’……. and then I thought ‘no, today is going to be the day that I brainstorm a bunch of ideas just to shoot them down, and then sit on the couch and eat cheesy dill popcorn’……. and it was.

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

July 30, 2013

Cond-woes

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I live in a Condo and I love it! In Toronto, it snows a lot in the winter. Shovelling snow sucks, but not if you live in a condo. Removing a foot of snow from the top of your car before you go to work sucks, but not if your car is in a parking garage. In the summer, mowing the lawn sucks, but not if you don’t have a lawn. The final kicker as a lot of Torontonians just found out, that you can’t get a flooded basement in a condo. These are some convincing arguments as to why I enjoy the condo life.

There are a few things about it that drive me crazy. Before anybody lectures me about these being ‘first world problems’, I’ll point out that you can always choose to mind your own business 😉 If bloggers didn’t bitch about stuff like this, how interesting would the first world be? I’ll stick to one major pet peeve, because after all, I’m a fan of the condo lifestyle.

The thing that drives me absolutely nutty is our security team’s lack of competence using the intercom. They do fire alarm testing all the time. I guess it’s a good thing that they want to make sure the alarm works in case of emergencies. When there is an emergency, or an emergency alarm has sounded, our security team springs into action to announce over the intercom, every possible fucking detail of their emergency response. TWICE! This is policy I’m sure. Better to over communicate than under communicate, and I sort of appreciate that too. If they are going to say it twice though…. and bear in mind that this is almost always happening in the middle of the night…… I wish they would just say the whole sentence once, and then repeat it. They don’t communicate like this. THEY think that it’s clearer for everybody if they chop the sentence up, and just repeat fragments of the sentence.

For example, INSTEAD of saying……..
“May I have your attention please. The Fire Alarm has sounded. The Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your units and await further instruction…….. May I have your attention please. The Fire Alarm has sounded. The Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your units and await further instruction”

THEY SAY
“May I have your attention please…. I repeat… may I have your attention please……the fire alarm has sounded….. I repeat….. the fire alarm has sounded…….The Fire Department is on its way…..I repeat (now imagine it’s the middle of the night and you have a mute button which you can press so the fire alarm isn’t so loud while you, your wife, and perhaps even a new-born baby who may not have even been that easy to put asleep to begin with, are now trying to sleep, but you have to wait for them to stop talking before the mute button will work) The Fire Department is on its way……..Please stay in your units and await further instruction……. I repeat…….. Please stay in your units and await further instruction. (now imagine that you have finally waited out this announcement that could have been communicated in a fraction of the time, and these jokers don’t know how to turn the mic off, so you hear at least 10-15 seconds of fuzz/background noise/murmuring, which feels like 10-15 minutes, and then finally click, and then the alarm sounds, and only now can you press the mute button, and guess what???? You’re wide fucking awake!!)

So the fire department arrives, and it’s almost always a false alarm. They get all of this sorted out just as your falling back asleep and then suddenly you hear….
Cackle Cackle cackle fuzz fuzz fuzz cackle background talking fuzz….. “May I have your attention please…..May I have your attention please………(then a huge pause…..C’MON MAN!!!!!!! Then he starts over) May I have your attention please…… May I have your attention please…….The Fire Department has completed their investigation…… I repeat……. The Fire Department has completed their investigation………There is no emergency…….. I repeat….. There is no emergency (SHUT THE HELL UP, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!)….. Thank you for your co-operation

Now I love my security guys. I’m also willing to accept that they didn’t write the script. You need to understand, however, that at 2:30 in the fucking morning, I don’t have the patience for you to read that slowly, not only that, but what’s with all the dead air??? It sounds like someone pocket dialed from a cell phone. If it was the first time you’ve used the intercom, I could understand, but some of you fuckers have been working here for 5 years. HOW FUCKING COMPLICATED COULD IT POSSIBLY BE TO TURN A MICROPHONE ON AND START TALKING???? I CAN HEAR YOU AS SOON AS YOU PRESS THE BUTTON!!!! EVERYONE IN 2 BUILDINGS CAN HEAR YOU EVERY TIME YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, SO IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT AT 2:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, THAT YOU GET A FUCKING CLUE AS TO WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY BEFORE YOU PRESS A BUTTON THAT BROADCASTS EVERY SOUND YOU MAKE, FROM CLEARING YOUR THROAT, TO NERVOUS INDECISION, TO SCRATCHING YOUR HEAD. UNLESS THIS IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, AND YOUR DESK IS ON FIRE, THERE’S PRECIOUS LITTLE THAT I WILL ACCEPT AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOU NOT HAVING THE FOGGIEST IDEA HOW TO DO THIS SMALL PORTION OF YOUR JOB AFTER 5 LONG YEARS!! THE LEARNING CURVE FOR THIS PARTICULAR EXERCISE IS NOT THAT STEEP!! IT’S NOT THAT STEEP!!!! MUST YOU WAKE EVERY BABY IN THIS BUILDING???? FUCK!!!!!

Was that harsh? Should I dial it back? 😉

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 23, 2013

Bitching About Royals

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m not saying I don’t like Royal Babies. I just prefer regular babies. See what I did there? I didn’t even capitalize regular babies. The difference in how they’re being treated has started already. I’m obviously part of the problem.

I come from a family that’s FASCINATED by the British Royal Family (see how I capitalize??? I swear I’m not doing this on purpose). I’m really not though. Some of the longest days of my life have been spent watching coverage of either Royal Weddings or Royal Tragedies. I always seem to be stuck somewhere remote when these things happen, and there’s only one TV, and I’m not in charge of it, but I’m super bored, because as a kid, I was not into all of the Pomp and Circumstance (I wanted so badly to use that phrase, but rarely get the opportunity…… when I’m not sure about a phrase/word and whether I should use it in a blog or not, I like to look it up in some internet dictionary just to make sure it means what I think it means….. in this case according to Dictionary.com it means ‘splendid celebration with ceremony and fuss’ which is almost a better phrase than Pomp and Circumstance….. in fact, I really think you need to re-read the sentence again and substitute, and let me know which one you like better…..I will be equally satisfied with both of your choices), and as an adult, not much has changed, and I just feel trapped and manipulated all day.

The thing I hate the most about these celebration/tragedies is the coverage. You can’t just watch it once and be done with it. It goes on and on and on like the OJ trial. Let’s show it again and again. Let’s break down every aspect through detailed analysis. This isn’t football!! I know you kids are like, ‘so what, watch something on your phone or laptop if you’re bored.’ THERE WERE NO PHONE AND LAPTOPS!!!!!! JUST BOREDOM!!! Now that I’m older, it doesn’t matter too much anymore because I can easily escape a situation where there is lots of Royal Coverage. I have a car, a bus pass, and 2 televisions, 2 computers and a cell phone. Damn, when I say it like that it sounds like I’m very well established. This might just be my ‘I HAVE ARRIVED’ moment!! My personal identity and how I define my freedom has now become deeply intertwined with my ability to dodge watching TV coverage of the British Royals.

I really don’t want to bitch too much about the Royals. To be perfectly honest, I have nothing against them. I only hear about them when they marry or breed or take pictures of their dicks. I really just wanted a) to have a blog topic which is getting harder every week, and b) to sit on my high horse and say some very judgemental things about the rest of you peasants.

1) Don’t be so fascinated by Royalty or famous people. They don’t care about you. This is a one way street. I’m sure everyone is interested to see the Royal Baby, but what about the Non-Royal babies? They need your attention too! Are the people in your life getting the ‘Royal Treatment’? If the world cared about each other the way they seem to care about what these people name their baby….. well you know the rest. The world wins!

2) When I refer to Royal Tragedy, you know which one I’m talking about. Princess Diana dies in a car accident because her and her new man were in a high-speed chase with Paparazzi. I remember thinking at the time that we were all to blame for supporting the gossip industry. I remember thinking ‘I’ll bet people will think twice before going out and buying another gossip magazine to see exclusive pictures of their favorite celebrities’………… Wrong again, as I always am when I give humanity the benefit of the doubt. Nothing changed, nothing solved, same old bullshit.

3) I really wanted to have a third thing, because 2 just isn’t worth listing off numerically. As you can see, I’m out of things to complain about. I will try to stretch this out a bit though, as I’m sure some bloggers are just skimming to the bottom anyways, so they can click the ‘like’ button and make me believe that they read the whole thing. Come on man….. we’ve all done it! Especially some of those long-winded ones. Those people will be blissfully unaware that I couldn’t come up with a third thing to finish my trifecta of Royalty Ramblings.

I hope the Royal Baby gets an appropriate name, and is happy and healthy, but more importantly I wish the same for all your Non-Royal Babies too!

12 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized