So Corona Virus got me not working. The benefit of this is I’m sleeping 8 hours a night. The best part of that is the last hour or so, which is bonus sleep because I should be at work. I’m not one to remember my dreams all the time but for some reason, the dreams I have in that bonus hour are among the most memorable and at times absurd. I’ll tell you about one. My son thinks it’s funny.
I get sent (by my wife I can only assume) to park a car, but I’m at what looks like an all inclusive resort somewhere warm. It doesn’t look exactly like any of the ones I’ve been to. Also, there’s no reason for me to have a car at an all inclusive. Maybe it wasn’t an all inclusive, anyways it’s not important. I find it hard to write about dreams because I like to give all the details, but my dreams barely give me any details or context. There’s a massive parking garage at this resort, and somehow the car gets parked and I’m trying to find my family. I find my son (who’s 7, and I guess just wandering around on his own? Not likely), and I see this table where the owners of the resort are giving away free artwork. They call me over and tell me they have 2 pieces left, and would I like one? They’re huge, and I feel like they used to be inside the rooms, but maybe they’re being re-designed? I agree to take one, not really considering for the moment, like where the hell am I going to put this, how will I get it from said exotic destination to my home in Toronto. Then I get a look at the 2 pieces, and they’re both pictures of the owners of the resort, who of course are the same people giving them away. It’s a man and a woman, and the man has a great 80’s mustache with a white guy fro, and I can’t remember what his wife looked like, but she had money. Now I’m being too polite to say that I no longer want this artwork, so I’m going to have ditch it somewhere (like in a dream I should be able to laugh at this guy and say I don’t want his shitty artwork, and segue right into a poolside Pina Colada, but then if I realize I’m dreaming, I’ll wake up, so I end up just doing the same goddamn things I would do in real life instinctively).
Then I see Vasek Pospisil (Canadian professional Tennis player), and thinking it’s cool that he’s there, but there’s no crowd or no sign that he’s doing a meet and greet, so maybe he’s just on vacation too at the same shitty resort I’m at where the owners seemingly have pictures of themselves in the suite. So I ask him if he’s there doing autographs, and he says ‘yeah sure’, and so I grab my son because he likes tennis too. Just as I’m about the quickly whisper in his ear, what to politely say to Vasek Pospisil when asking for an autograph, my son walks up to him and says really loudly “Do you have chocolate?”
Then I wake up.
So I woke up this morning and thought ‘Today’s the day I’m going to get a tattoo on my calf muscle to symbolize my belief in the jellyfish equality movement’…. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I get a pair of loafers to wear with no socks’……. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I finally paint my fingernails blue, but do the ring fingers white for an accent colour’……. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I buy an old beat up bike, and ride around downtown with no helmet or respect for the rules of the road, but engage in self-righteous dialogue about how there aren’t enough bike lanes’…….and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I crack open that book I bought (you know, the one about the top 100 foods to eat that will make you look younger), and buy a Costco sized supply of the top 10 foods, and blend them together into a smoothie that will be so healthy, it will launch me back into childhood within 3 weeks of regular consumption……. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I start writing letters to all of my family and friends in invisible ink so they can wonder how much I care about them’…….. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I set up an elaborate course with 100,000 dominoes in the pattern of the Queen’s head, and film it falling on Youtube, and become an internet sensation’…….. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I go for one of those Japanese pedicures where little fish eat the dead skin off your feet’…… then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I buy a car for cheap, fix it up, and re-sell it for what I was hoping would be a profit, but actually ends up costing me $150 to launch a car flipping business, and get top quality business cards printed up, with pens and mugs on the way for Christmas’………and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I sweat to the oldies’…….. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I bake, and bake with cinnamon’…… and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I head down to the train tracks and re-popularize the game of chicken’……. and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I start that book I’ve been meaning to write’…….. and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I go through all my high school yearbooks and call up everyone that ever left me their phone numbers, and ask how their summer was’……….and then I thought ‘no, today is the day to start that upscale nightclub themed lemon-aid stand that I’ve always talked about, OR find investors for that lemon-aid stand themed nightclub I’ve always talked about’…….and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I’m going to start cross training in anticipation of that thing that I’m not going to get around to doing’…… and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I’m going to write a letter to Pepsi demanding to see supporting evidence that it was really the preferable drink in that Pepsi Challenge’……then I thought ‘no, today is going to be the day that I’m going to purchase season one of “The Price is Right” and start watching them all from the beginning’……. and then I thought ‘no, today is going to be the day that I brainstorm a bunch of ideas just to shoot them down, and then sit on the couch and eat cheesy dill popcorn’……. and it was.