August 20, 2013

Do We Really Need It?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was watching a TV commercial the other day. If I knew I’d be blogging about it, I would have tried to remember what product they were selling. It could have been a phone, but not necessarily. There was a 3 second clip of a girl’s hand reaching out from behind the shower curtain and changing which song was playing on her phone…… Now as someone who takes the music I listen to very seriously, I have to ask….. How long is your friggin shower that you can’t sort out a 3 or 4 song playlist, or that you don’t have the attention span to get through it without reaching for your phone to put on a different ‘shower song’? We ARE a society that needs our phones, I get it, but do we need them SO badly that they have to be in the shower with us?

What about hashtags??? Not being a huge Twitter guy, this was explained to me as a way to organize your thoughts or connect with other people. From where I’m standing, it’s a corny punchline opportunity at the end of your status update. Have we really organized our statuses, and went back and looked through them? Have we gotten a bunch of new followers? Or have we just #triedtogetacheaplaughattheendofourstatusupdate?
It’s kind of dumb. Let’s stop.

Do we really need to know what’s going on in Lindsay Lohan’s life? I haven’t seen any of her movies. I don’t want to downplay her accomplishments, but she’s spent way more time on TV for partying too hard, then she has for being an actress. My personal opinion is that what someone does things on their own time, it’s their own business, but at least if the Gossip Mag taste-makers decide who they’re going to follow around, and report every move they make as news…..make it someone I’ve heard of.

Light Peanut Butter. Give me a break guys…. I’m all for making healthy changes, but with 25% less fat, it doesn’t even taste like peanut butter. The graininess of it chafing my throat on the way down. It’s so awful, what a horrible invention. Nobody’s getting fat from peanut butter. Get over it. We don’t need this product. It looks too much like the regular one. Sometimes we buy it by accident. Just get it off the shelves. Also, I’m pretty sure whole wheat bread hasn’t saved all the lives you think it has.

Swag is either short for swagger or its free shit. Make up your mind. It’s a dumb word for either if you ask me. Swagger is probably the easiest two-syllable word to say in the English language, it doesn’t need a short form. Swag?? Free shit?? I don’t get it. According to Urbandictionary.com it’s an acronym for ‘secretly we are gay’. Who knew?

Speed bumps are popping up everywhere. I understand they serve a purpose sometimes, but I hate going over them. It just pisses me off when they are in unnecessary locations. Especially traffic calming zones. How much did you assholes pay for your house that we have to drive slow on your street, but fast everywhere else? It makes me want to ‘accidentally’ smash my car into the tree on someone’s front yard just to prove that they don’t work. Give me a break.

Pre-season Football. I love the NFL, but pre-season sucks. None of the good players play. It’s too long. None of the information from pre-season ever helps me with my fantasy team. It’s just a waste of time. Start the season already!!!

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 12, 2013

50 Things About Me

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I stopped taking the train. So many of my blog topics resulted from craziness I would witness on public transit. I’m out of ideas man…. fresh out! So I decided to cheat a bit this week. You know those annoying surveys that people fill out on Facebook, and then try to get you to fill out?? I decided to fill one of those out and post here for my faithful readers who wanted to get to know me a bit better (as I’m sure it’s totally keeping you up at night that you don’t know me well enough….. or not so much). Some of these surveys were designed for teenagers. They were basic as shit. I had to root through a few lists before I found one that I didn’t hate as much. Questions 2 and 3 grabbed my attention. Right to the point. As I’m writing this, I haven’t even read the rest of the questions, but I promise I will answer them relatively honestly 🙂

1) Favorite object in your room?
My bed…. this is way too easy.

2) Have you ever smoked heroin
No. I haven’t injected it into my veins either.

3) Do you own guns?
No. I’m Canadian.

4) What flavor do you add to your drink at sonic?
What’s Sonic? I’m Canadian.

5) Do you get nervous before doctor appointments?
Yes. Like a cat in a room full of rocking chairs.

6) What do you think of hot dogs?
I think it’s the best meal you can get for $3.

7) Favorite song?
Electric Relaxation – A Tribe Called Quest

8) What do you prefer to drink in the morning?
Coffee

9) Can you do push ups?
I think so, but I wouldn’t know.

10) Can you do a chin up?
As long as we’re just talking about one, then yes.

11) What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?
My wedding ring. I don’t wear any other jewelry.

12) do you like blue cheese?
Yes. Love it!

13) Ever been in a car wreck?
Yup. ‘wreck’ seems like it would mean a major collision. Only one of those, but I’ve definitely hit stuff with my car on other occasions. In fact, my car is at the body shop as we speak.

14) What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?
I’m a procrastinator. I’m way more effective when I just do stuff.

15) Middle name?
Sorry, I know I said I’d answer everything, but paranoid about identity theft etc.

16) Name 3 thoughts going through your head at this moment?
Man, I hope this blog doesn’t suck. These questions better get better or this blog is gonna suck. These answers better get better or this blog is gonna suck.

17) Name 3 things you bought yesterday?
I was not at a store yesterday, but to make this answer more interesting, if money were no object and I could go back in time, I would have bought a car, a house, and an entertainment system.

18) Name 3 drinks you drink regularly?
Water, coffee, beer.

19) Name 3 foods you eat regularly?
Chicken Wings, Salmon, Steak.

20) Current worry?
That I’ll hate my next job.

21) Current hate right now?
I hate how summer is zipping by at light speed. Summers used to last forever. Every day seems like 5 minutes to me.

22) Do you spend Christmas with extended family?
Yes on my wife’s side. My family is super small, and our extended family is out-of-town.

23) How did you bring in the New Year?
I don’t even remember. I’m pretty sure we were in bed, and I’m not even sure if we were awake. In my defence, I spent many years partying with the best of them, and New Year’s eve was my favourite night of the year to go out, but we just had our son in mid-October, and were sleep deprived, so…… I’m not as lame as I sound.

24) Where would you like to be right now?
Vegas baby.

25) Name three people who will complete this?
Hopefully nobody. This aint no Facebook thing.

26) Do you own slippers?
No.

27) What shirt are you wearing?
A blue and green golf shirt.

28) Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?
What am I? A pimp?

29) Can you whistle?
Yes.

30) Which hand do you use to write?
Right.

31) Would you be a pirate?
I’ve been a pirate. On Halloween. I was a pretty kick-ass pirate too, as I recall.

32) What songs do you sing in the shower?
I don’t sing in the shower, but ‘With or Without You’ by U2 is my song when in the car by myself.

33) Favorite girl’s name?
I don’t have one. Lucky I didn’t have a girl.

34) Favorite boy’s name?
Julian.

35) What’s in your pocket?
Nothing.

36) Last person that made you laugh?
My wife. When we watch baseball together, and the pitching coach comes to the mound to talk to the pitcher, she re-enacts what she thinks they are saying to each other. “Throw strikes!!” “I’ve been trying to throw strikes…. they just haven’t been strikes” “OK, but you need to throw strikes…. so I’m gonna go sit down on the bench, and you start throwing strikes OK?” “Ok, I’ll start throwing strikes”………it goes on and on, but she does a funny voice, and you really have to be there, but trust me, it’s hilarious.

37) Best bed sheets as a child?
I had a Sesame Street pillow which had that front stoop on it. This is pre-Elmo days, but I’m pretty sure Big Bird, Oscar, Grover, Bert & Ernie were there. I would assume I had matching sheets, but I don’t remember the sheets that well.

38) Worst injury you’ve ever had?
I broke my elbow playing basketball. I was driving to the basket, and as I jumped, some short guy under-cut me, and I started to go down head first. Instead of bracing myself right away, I tried to put a little extra English on the lay-up. I ended up cracking my elbow. I did score the basket though. It was spectacular….. but I was in a cast for 6 weeks.

39) Do you love where you live?
Yes. Toronto is one of the greatest cities in the world, and Canada is one of the greatest countries to live in the world. I couldn’t be happier.

40) How many TVs do you have in your house?
2

41) Who is your loudest friend?
Hard to say. You know what they say if you can’t figure out who the loudest friend is?? It’s you!

42) How many dogs do you have?
Zero. How assumptive was that?

43) Does someone have a crush on you?
Of course. In my mind, dozens of women have crushes on me. It may not be true.

45) Did you notice that there is no number 44?
Yeah. When I copied and pasted the questionnaire, I noticed this question, but I probably would not have noticed otherwise.

46) What is your favorite candy?
I don’t know. Werther’s Originals?? The ones with chocolate on the inside.

47) Favorite Sports Team?Â
Toronto Blue Jays

48) Where is the next place you want to travel to?
That I haven’t been to? I was hoping for Switzerland. Although I do have this nasty little Vegas habit, and that is probably where I’ll end up.

49) What were you doing 12 AM last night?
Washing the dishes. FML

50) What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up?
I remembered that my son crawled for the first time last night, and I wondered if he was excited about today.

🙂

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

August 6, 2013

Today’s the Day

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So I woke up this morning and thought ‘Today’s the day I’m going to get a tattoo on my calf muscle to symbolize my belief in the jellyfish equality movement’…. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I get a pair of loafers to wear with no socks’……. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I finally paint my fingernails blue, but do the ring fingers white for an accent colour’……. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I buy an old beat up bike, and ride around downtown with no helmet or respect for the rules of the road, but engage in self-righteous dialogue about how there aren’t enough bike lanes’…….and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I crack open that book I bought (you know, the one about the top 100 foods to eat that will make you look younger), and buy a Costco sized supply of the top 10 foods, and blend them together into a smoothie that will be so healthy, it will launch me back into childhood within 3 weeks of regular consumption……. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I start writing letters to all of my family and friends in invisible ink so they can wonder how much I care about them’…….. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I set up an elaborate course with 100,000 dominoes in the pattern of the Queen’s head, and film it falling on Youtube, and become an internet sensation’…….. then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I go for one of those Japanese pedicures where little fish eat the dead skin off your feet’…… then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I buy a car for cheap, fix it up, and re-sell it for what I was hoping would be a profit, but actually ends up costing me $150 to launch a car flipping business, and get top quality business cards printed up, with pens and mugs on the way for Christmas’………and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day I sweat to the oldies’…….. and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I bake, and bake with cinnamon’…… and then I thought ‘no, today’s the day that I head down to the train tracks and re-popularize the game of chicken’……. and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I start that book I’ve been meaning to write’…….. and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I go through all my high school yearbooks and call up everyone that ever left me their phone numbers, and ask how their summer was’……….and then I thought ‘no, today is the day to start that upscale nightclub themed lemon-aid stand that I’ve always talked about, OR find investors for that lemon-aid stand themed nightclub I’ve always talked about’…….and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I’m going to start cross training in anticipation of that thing that I’m not going to get around to doing’…… and then I thought ‘no, today is the day that I’m going to write a letter to Pepsi demanding to see supporting evidence that it was really the preferable drink in that Pepsi Challenge’……then I thought ‘no, today is going to be the day that I’m going to purchase season one of “The Price is Right” and start watching them all from the beginning’……. and then I thought ‘no, today is going to be the day that I brainstorm a bunch of ideas just to shoot them down, and then sit on the couch and eat cheesy dill popcorn’……. and it was.

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

July 30, 2013

Cond-woes

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I live in a Condo and I love it! In Toronto, it snows a lot in the winter. Shovelling snow sucks, but not if you live in a condo. Removing a foot of snow from the top of your car before you go to work sucks, but not if your car is in a parking garage. In the summer, mowing the lawn sucks, but not if you don’t have a lawn. The final kicker as a lot of Torontonians just found out, that you can’t get a flooded basement in a condo. These are some convincing arguments as to why I enjoy the condo life.

There are a few things about it that drive me crazy. Before anybody lectures me about these being ‘first world problems’, I’ll point out that you can always choose to mind your own business 😉 If bloggers didn’t bitch about stuff like this, how interesting would the first world be? I’ll stick to one major pet peeve, because after all, I’m a fan of the condo lifestyle.

The thing that drives me absolutely nutty is our security team’s lack of competence using the intercom. They do fire alarm testing all the time. I guess it’s a good thing that they want to make sure the alarm works in case of emergencies. When there is an emergency, or an emergency alarm has sounded, our security team springs into action to announce over the intercom, every possible fucking detail of their emergency response. TWICE! This is policy I’m sure. Better to over communicate than under communicate, and I sort of appreciate that too. If they are going to say it twice though…. and bear in mind that this is almost always happening in the middle of the night…… I wish they would just say the whole sentence once, and then repeat it. They don’t communicate like this. THEY think that it’s clearer for everybody if they chop the sentence up, and just repeat fragments of the sentence.

For example, INSTEAD of saying……..
“May I have your attention please. The Fire Alarm has sounded. The Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your units and await further instruction…….. May I have your attention please. The Fire Alarm has sounded. The Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your units and await further instruction”

THEY SAY
“May I have your attention please…. I repeat… may I have your attention please……the fire alarm has sounded….. I repeat….. the fire alarm has sounded…….The Fire Department is on its way…..I repeat (now imagine it’s the middle of the night and you have a mute button which you can press so the fire alarm isn’t so loud while you, your wife, and perhaps even a new-born baby who may not have even been that easy to put asleep to begin with, are now trying to sleep, but you have to wait for them to stop talking before the mute button will work) The Fire Department is on its way……..Please stay in your units and await further instruction……. I repeat…….. Please stay in your units and await further instruction. (now imagine that you have finally waited out this announcement that could have been communicated in a fraction of the time, and these jokers don’t know how to turn the mic off, so you hear at least 10-15 seconds of fuzz/background noise/murmuring, which feels like 10-15 minutes, and then finally click, and then the alarm sounds, and only now can you press the mute button, and guess what???? You’re wide fucking awake!!)

So the fire department arrives, and it’s almost always a false alarm. They get all of this sorted out just as your falling back asleep and then suddenly you hear….
Cackle Cackle cackle fuzz fuzz fuzz cackle background talking fuzz….. “May I have your attention please…..May I have your attention please………(then a huge pause…..C’MON MAN!!!!!!! Then he starts over) May I have your attention please…… May I have your attention please…….The Fire Department has completed their investigation…… I repeat……. The Fire Department has completed their investigation………There is no emergency…….. I repeat….. There is no emergency (SHUT THE HELL UP, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!)….. Thank you for your co-operation

Now I love my security guys. I’m also willing to accept that they didn’t write the script. You need to understand, however, that at 2:30 in the fucking morning, I don’t have the patience for you to read that slowly, not only that, but what’s with all the dead air??? It sounds like someone pocket dialed from a cell phone. If it was the first time you’ve used the intercom, I could understand, but some of you fuckers have been working here for 5 years. HOW FUCKING COMPLICATED COULD IT POSSIBLY BE TO TURN A MICROPHONE ON AND START TALKING???? I CAN HEAR YOU AS SOON AS YOU PRESS THE BUTTON!!!! EVERYONE IN 2 BUILDINGS CAN HEAR YOU EVERY TIME YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, SO IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT AT 2:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, THAT YOU GET A FUCKING CLUE AS TO WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY BEFORE YOU PRESS A BUTTON THAT BROADCASTS EVERY SOUND YOU MAKE, FROM CLEARING YOUR THROAT, TO NERVOUS INDECISION, TO SCRATCHING YOUR HEAD. UNLESS THIS IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, AND YOUR DESK IS ON FIRE, THERE’S PRECIOUS LITTLE THAT I WILL ACCEPT AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOU NOT HAVING THE FOGGIEST IDEA HOW TO DO THIS SMALL PORTION OF YOUR JOB AFTER 5 LONG YEARS!! THE LEARNING CURVE FOR THIS PARTICULAR EXERCISE IS NOT THAT STEEP!! IT’S NOT THAT STEEP!!!! MUST YOU WAKE EVERY BABY IN THIS BUILDING???? FUCK!!!!!

Was that harsh? Should I dial it back? 😉

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 23, 2013

Bitching About Royals

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m not saying I don’t like Royal Babies. I just prefer regular babies. See what I did there? I didn’t even capitalize regular babies. The difference in how they’re being treated has started already. I’m obviously part of the problem.

I come from a family that’s FASCINATED by the British Royal Family (see how I capitalize??? I swear I’m not doing this on purpose). I’m really not though. Some of the longest days of my life have been spent watching coverage of either Royal Weddings or Royal Tragedies. I always seem to be stuck somewhere remote when these things happen, and there’s only one TV, and I’m not in charge of it, but I’m super bored, because as a kid, I was not into all of the Pomp and Circumstance (I wanted so badly to use that phrase, but rarely get the opportunity…… when I’m not sure about a phrase/word and whether I should use it in a blog or not, I like to look it up in some internet dictionary just to make sure it means what I think it means….. in this case according to Dictionary.com it means ‘splendid celebration with ceremony and fuss’ which is almost a better phrase than Pomp and Circumstance….. in fact, I really think you need to re-read the sentence again and substitute, and let me know which one you like better…..I will be equally satisfied with both of your choices), and as an adult, not much has changed, and I just feel trapped and manipulated all day.

The thing I hate the most about these celebration/tragedies is the coverage. You can’t just watch it once and be done with it. It goes on and on and on like the OJ trial. Let’s show it again and again. Let’s break down every aspect through detailed analysis. This isn’t football!! I know you kids are like, ‘so what, watch something on your phone or laptop if you’re bored.’ THERE WERE NO PHONE AND LAPTOPS!!!!!! JUST BOREDOM!!! Now that I’m older, it doesn’t matter too much anymore because I can easily escape a situation where there is lots of Royal Coverage. I have a car, a bus pass, and 2 televisions, 2 computers and a cell phone. Damn, when I say it like that it sounds like I’m very well established. This might just be my ‘I HAVE ARRIVED’ moment!! My personal identity and how I define my freedom has now become deeply intertwined with my ability to dodge watching TV coverage of the British Royals.

I really don’t want to bitch too much about the Royals. To be perfectly honest, I have nothing against them. I only hear about them when they marry or breed or take pictures of their dicks. I really just wanted a) to have a blog topic which is getting harder every week, and b) to sit on my high horse and say some very judgemental things about the rest of you peasants.

1) Don’t be so fascinated by Royalty or famous people. They don’t care about you. This is a one way street. I’m sure everyone is interested to see the Royal Baby, but what about the Non-Royal babies? They need your attention too! Are the people in your life getting the ‘Royal Treatment’? If the world cared about each other the way they seem to care about what these people name their baby….. well you know the rest. The world wins!

2) When I refer to Royal Tragedy, you know which one I’m talking about. Princess Diana dies in a car accident because her and her new man were in a high-speed chase with Paparazzi. I remember thinking at the time that we were all to blame for supporting the gossip industry. I remember thinking ‘I’ll bet people will think twice before going out and buying another gossip magazine to see exclusive pictures of their favorite celebrities’………… Wrong again, as I always am when I give humanity the benefit of the doubt. Nothing changed, nothing solved, same old bullshit.

3) I really wanted to have a third thing, because 2 just isn’t worth listing off numerically. As you can see, I’m out of things to complain about. I will try to stretch this out a bit though, as I’m sure some bloggers are just skimming to the bottom anyways, so they can click the ‘like’ button and make me believe that they read the whole thing. Come on man….. we’ve all done it! Especially some of those long-winded ones. Those people will be blissfully unaware that I couldn’t come up with a third thing to finish my trifecta of Royalty Ramblings.

I hope the Royal Baby gets an appropriate name, and is happy and healthy, but more importantly I wish the same for all your Non-Royal Babies too!

12 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 16, 2013

Mom’s Choice

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There are a few products around my home for babies. Anyone that’s had a baby in their home knows that there will be baby products around the home too. A lot of them. I often wonder about marketing as it pertains to babies and their preferences. My baby is almost 9 months old. He’s male, and like every other male in his family tree for as many generations back as I can intelligently vouch for, he’ll eat whatever you put in front of him. Maybe this isn’t the same for all babies. Sometimes my wife and I will be in an aisle of the grocery store, and she’ll wonder aloud ‘Which one do you think he’ll like better?’ I always find this funny because I have received zero feedback from my son regarding food, the entire time he’s been alive. He seems to like everything. That isn’t the commitment to an answer that my wife is looking for when she asks me a question. We’ve been together long enough that I know this, so my answer is very much influenced by how happy the baby looks in the picture. This goes for food, toys, furniture or any other baby related product. As far as I’m concerned, if the baby is happier on the cover of one product than they are on the other, then it’s a slam dunk as to what I’m going to decide is the right product for my baby. Marketers take note!! I’m quite certain that my son doesn’t give a shit as long as he’s comfortable. If he’s not comfortable, he might wiggle around a bit or possibly cry, but with so many outside factors at play, I’ll be damned if I can pinpoint whether it was the mango or the pineapple he didn’t like, or if he’s just tired, or he pooped. He has never told me what he thinks about his crib mattress (although I agonized over the decision), his outfits, the music we play or anything. The key to all purchases, and I’m yet to be proven wrong, is the perceived happiness of the actor baby on the packaging. It’s never steered me wrong (that I’m aware of).

I also find some of the branding interesting. The one I saw today (which prompted the blog, because God knows I don’t come up with ideas much before I actually start typing) was ‘Mom’s Choice’. Mom’s Choice is the obvious choice isn’t it? I would buy that. I mean after all, Mom sampled all of these products and narrowed it down. She did all the work for me, right? How does a company get to be ‘Mom’s Choice?’ Is there a rigorous selection process that all of these products go through? Is this a government regulated thing, or can anybody slap ‘Mom’s Choice’ on the label?

More importantly, whose Mom? My Mom? The baby’s Mom? Everyone has/had a Mom. Which one of them made the call on this? Was there a panel of expert moms that got together on this? A secret society of taste-making moms that run the baby food game? Is there a criteria for Moms that get to be on the ‘Mom’s Choice’ selection committee? Do they need to have more than one kid to qualify? Or are they teenage Moms (Who most recently were eating baby food themselves)? Or an even number of Moms from each age group to properly represent the spectrum of Moms. Are all the different ethnic cultures represented in this Mom group? Or does it depend on the ethnicity of the baby on the cover (What??? We all eat different shit as adults, does a baby’s cultural background not matter at ‘Mom’s Choice’?).

What if you started a company called Dad’s Choice? Why does nobody in the baby food industry care what Dad thinks. Dad probably eats more than Mom. He should be more of an expert. What if all those names were taken, could you just take another member of society and have them vouch for the taste of baby food?

Bartender’s Choice
Raquetball Coach’s Choice
Zookeeper’s Cousin’s Choice
Necktie Designer’s Choice
Zipline Technician’s Choice
Stamp Collector’s Choice
Librarian’s Choice
Assistant Manager Of The Meat Department At The Grocery Store’s Choice

These are all fresh ideas, but let’s face it. Mom knows best, although I don’t believe in the legitimacy of the representative amount of Moms, endorsing and quality checking ‘Mom’s Choice’ food, I do think it’s clever advertising. It found its way into my home so clearly, at least one of us fell for it.

I just want to go on record as saying that I don’t think there were any Moms involved in the choosing of ‘Mom’s Choice’. I also don’t think that being a Mom qualifies you to know the first thing about what baby food tastes like, or how it should taste. I’m no expert, but in my short stint as a parent I’ve learned that if your baby is hungry enough, they will eat anything, whether it’s ‘Mom’s Choice’ or ‘Macaroni Necklace Sales Representative’s Choice’, or their shoe.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 8, 2013

Stop Hatin’ on Mondays

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m sick of hearing it. I don’t like Mondays, it’s just another Manic Monday, Blue Monday, wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. To put it simply, if you don’t like Mondays, then something’s wrong with the rest of your week! That aint Monday’s fault! It’s yours! Stop blaming Monday for beginning a week that you set up to be crappy. Take some responsibility for your life people!!! Mondays only suck as bad as you allow them to suck!

I think I should announce something here…… I’ve been looking for a new career path, and just at this exact moment, I’ve figured out what my calling is! MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER!! Except I don’t like public speaking that much, so what’s it called when motivational speakers write books, and get paid an absurd amount of money to do so?? (Looking up on google…….. not really helping……… Oooohhh ‘Self Help Books’…. that’s what I’ll call it) I will be an author of ‘Self Help Books’!! I will make it my personal mission to whip you suckers into shape!

Chapter One

How To Fix Your Mondays

In order to fix one’s Monday, one must understand what the issue is with Monday anyways. It typically signifies the beginning of a work week, or the end of a weekend. People that hate Mondays generally hate the entire week, but Monday of course represents the beginning of the week, or the longest duration of time before the week finally ends. It’s not healthy to look forward to Friday. Fast forwarding your weeks will only lead to you getting old and dying quicker.

There are numerous ways to fix this.

1. Get a job that you enjoy going to. I know it’s easier said than done. I myself, haven’t had many of them. If you dread Mondays, then you need to start making a move in this direction. It might be a long term fix involving taking some sort of training, or it could be as easy as recognizing a crappy job, and quitting. Just so I’m not being arrogant I want to take a moment to recognize that due to various circumstances this may be impossible for some of you.

2. Have better/worse weekends. If you don’t have awesome weekends, you need to start. This way you’ll look forward to Monday so you can brag to your co-workers how awesome your weekend was. On the flip side, if your weekends are too amazing you’ll never want to return to work. If that’s the case, dial it back a bit, hot shot!

3. Dwell on the positive. Logically, Monday should be as rested as you’ll feel for the entire week. It will only get worse from here as your profession mercilessly beats you into submission before Friday. Enjoy that battery recharge that you should have just had. (What?? You didn’t recharge your batteries on the weekend? You ran around and used all your energy working on the house or running around and doing errands?? You probably hate weekends too, there’s no winning with you!)

4. Take solace in the fact that you actually have an automatic scapegoat on Mondays called Monday. You can blame everything that goes wrong, and just shrug it off and say ‘what do you expect? It’s Monday!!’ What other day of the week can you blame for sucking at life? Monday just takes it and never complains. Monday just shows up on time every week like the true professional it is. There’s a lot to admire about Monday.

5. Finally, you get to read Thoughts And Rants In Jogging Pants every Monday (or Tuesday) without fail (except when it’s Tuesday), rain or shine (or Tuesday). This will always give you something to talk to your co-workers about. ‘Oh, did you hear what he said this week?? Hahaha, he’s so clever witty, he makes Monday the best day of the week! I’m going to tell all my friends about this blog!!’ (Well, you see where I’m going with this….)

Pep Talk

Now listen here all you whiners and complainers. Start taking responsibility for the fact that your whole week is entirely fucked up and do something about it! Change your habits…pack a better lunch… start an inner-office romance…. wear special Monday cologne/perfume that smells better than your Tuesday-Friday one…. be productive in the morning and while everyone else bitches and moans, and you can enjoy a 2:30 cappuccino because you got all your shit done…. join a league….embrace your adversaries…..

Love Mondays, and be the reason that other people love Mondays too! It’s first on your calendar, let it be first in your heart 🙂

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

June 25, 2013

Things I Would Rather Do Than Write A Cover Letter

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I got laid off this morning. I wish I could just take the ‘off’ out of that sentence, but unfortunately, that’s not how it went down. Getting laid off sucks, but not as badly as getting fired, and I’ve had that happen as well. Getting laid off usually comes with some sort of compensation package, and the potential to apply for Employment Insurance if you aren’t successful in getting another job right away. Getting fired usually comes with emotional pain and humiliation. What they both come with is an opportunity to update your resume, and get your ass out there to look for a new job.

I don’t mind updating the resume. These days I save an old copy on the computer like a normal human should, and then all you have to do is add your most current employer. It should be fresh in your mind as they’re the ones that just ripped your heart out. I totally don’t mind sending my resume out. I used to print that shit up on fancy paper and mail it. Now I email it, and it couldn’t be easier (although the way technology moves, I’m sure it COULD be easier…. I’m holding out for the day that I’ll be able to just ‘think’ my resume into some potential employer’s head… that’ll be awesome). The part that aggravates me is that I’m supposed to do an original cover letter for every employer that I send the resume to. I know that there’s some cut and paste potential here, and it’s probably not as bad as it sounds, but I despise the process of attaching cover letters to my resume.

There are no words that I can come up with (and I’m pretty good at eventually finding the right word for a situation…… not always at the moment I need it, but usually well after the conversation has ended) to describe how I hate working on cover letters. To accurately portray how I detest this routine, I’ve provided a list of…..

THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN WRITE A COVER LETTER

– I’ve been changing a lot of diapers these days. It’s been pretty routine lately, but there have been some wild ones over the last 8 months. I would happily change the crappiest of my son’s diapers before working on a cover letter
– If given the choice to clean the toilets in our home instead of the cover letter I would scrub the toilets for sure.
– Master the Rubik’s Cube without taking it apart or peeling the stickers
– Ride a Unicycle while juggling bowling pins
– Run a Lemonade Stand with a partner who lacks work ethic
– Polish my shoes (when I re-read this in my mind I pronounced it Po-lish, like from Poland, and I spend moments reflecting on what it might mean to Po-lish ones shoes).
– Go to Wal-Mart/Costco which may be something you do all the time or enjoy, but I avoid this shopping cart gridlock like I avoid nut-bars on the subway system.
– Return empties to the store
– Watch a Julia Roberts movie
– Sit in the pediatrician’s waiting room for half an hour
– Have my flight delayed
– Get crapped on by one of the pigeons that waits for me under the bridge near the subway entrance. As long as it’s just on my clothes, and on the way home from work. If it gets in my hair, or is on the way to work…. I’ll take the cover letter.

17 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

June 18, 2013

Blog Ideas For the Idea-Less Part 2

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’ve always wanted to do a sequel. Well here it is. I’ve got nothing today, but a self-imposed deadline that says I need to produce a blog before day’s end. So, I started Google-ing blog ideas to see if any genius decided to post some generic ones that I could write about, then I thought…… ‘wait a minute’…. this all seems so familiar. I did a blog about blog ideas. All I need to do is go back and read it, and pick my favorite idea. So I did. The only problem is that I didn’t like any of the ideas, or else I would have used them before now. I did however like the idea of blogging about blog ideas.
I’ve decided that I’m going to write down additional ideas for blogs that I will either do in the future, or pay it forward (I absolutely HATE that expression….. saying you’re going to ‘pay it forward’ is trying to take credit for doing something that you should probably just do without patting yourself on the back…. knock it off) by donating these ideas to the blogging community. Blog little bloggers!!!! Blog freely and mightily!!! Give these crappy ideas a home!!!!

Here are the ideas….. Feel free to steal these, and don’t feel like you need to ask permission. Permission is granted…..

– Whole Wheat Bread…. A Black Eye On the Sandwich Community
– Why Pandas Are Totally Overrated
– What To Do If Your Wife Likes Zombie/Vampire Movies And You Don’t
– Why Your First Car Is So Much Better Than Mine Was
– The Itchy Hipster Beard
– I Hate Sand, Saltwater, and Sunshine, but I LOVE The Beach
– How To Handle Your Baby Being Better Looking Than You
– My Secret Mission To Fill Ponds With Golf Balls

Awwww man…. 295 words??? Didn’t I just write a blog about how all blogs should be at least 500 words? I should go in and change it. I think I still can. I’ll change it to say ‘unless you are making lists, which by nature do not require a lot of filler words as they are all titles.’ It’s too late. Too many people have read it. I’m going to start a new list below.

These are potential names for a rock band if I ever start one. I always wanted to be a rock star, but it was one of about 7000 things I wanted to do. I haven’t gotten around to it yet, and I have no musical ability, so it’s a long shot at best. I have thought long and hard about band names though. Here’s a sampling……

– Electrical Thug Outlets
– Paranoid Gerbils
– Discreet 2nd Mortgage
– The Founding Mothers
– Tapedeck Wristband
– Devastating Sockpuppets
– Scurvy Pimples
– Leadpipe Tenderness
– Skintag Army Boots
– Picnic Casket
– Stucco Surprise
– The Ironic Glue Guns
– Sweatsock Machismo
– Rancid Daisy Experience
– Unsexy Vampires
– Rolling Credits Plot Twist
– Inbox Spam & Eggs
– The Jolly Ranchers of Grave Concern
– Thundamentals
– Rusty Barf Bags
– Dan’s Still In Distress
– Frog Penis
– Jim Jevitis
– Scrap Metal Ninja Star
– Cryptic Crochet
– Depresso Machine

504… Phew…. I probably could go on, but I’m pretty sure I could get wildly famous with one of the above band names. Now I just need to start playing the guitar.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

May 29, 2013

15 Minutes Of Furious Blogging

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Oooops…… I forgot to blog yesterday. I mean, I didn’t totally forget. I put it off until later in the day, and then when later in the day rolled around, I forgot. I was totally focused on not forgetting earlier in the day when the opportunity to do it wasn’t there. Therefore, it’s not really forgetting. Nevertheless, there is no Monday blog. Instead there’s a Tuesday blog, but I actually have less time to do it today than I did yesterday, so it will be everything that I can type in the span of 15 minutes, or whenever the “Let’s Go” text message arrives.

I’m gonna have to go point form, or this will never get done!

– On the subway the other night I saw 3 people with 2 bikes. It wasn’t busy because it was later in the evening. I remember them talking among themselves, and it was…………………………..

SHIT…. the “Let’s Go” Text arrived early. Gotta stop.

OK I’m back. This is now officially a Wednesday blog. Here are some random thoughts to fulfill my blogligation (get it????? blog & obligation???? Am I over-explaining again????)

– I’ve grown SOOOOOOOOOOO tired of people using “Wait for it” to set up their punchlines. Can we stop doing that now please? It’s gone on way too long. It’s just silly now.

– I was in a store today and some lady was there cashing out a purchase with her daughter, who was probably 10. The daughter complained that she was tired, and the mom said this…… “Oh I know honey….you’re not feeling well, and couldn’t go to school….. so I take you shopping….. I’m such a bad mother!” It was kind of funny, but I did actually agree with her. If your kid can’t go to school because she’s sick, then why are you making her walk around with you all day? She might as well be at school then.

– I live in Toronto. If you are reading this later on, just know that right now our mayor Rob Ford is suspected of smoking crack on camera (among other stuff…. he’s just a train wreck). Later, I’m certain he’ll be in jail for god knows what. I’m sort of proud to say I didn’t vote for him, but to be perfectly honest, it was a weak crop of candidates. What I’m not proud of is that this has become international news, and Torontonians are super embarrassed (as they should be… I mean, we voted him into office). When I see Jimmy Kimmel has a Rob Ford skit on his show, and Jon Stewart has a Rob Ford rant on the same night, it’s probably not the kind of notoriety we’re looking for. Don’t think I didn’t notice Jay Leno make reference to it and say “There’s nothing to do in Toronto anyways”…. to which I reply ‘How would you know, you goofy fuck!! You haven’t been funny since the 80s! Eat shit and die!” (Maybe I’m a bit sensitive). To be perfectly honest, I don’t know how Americans can even laugh at this when George W served 2 terms as their president, and that guy can barely spell his fucking name…… eghhhh, I’m going to get off this topic…. I don’t like what it’s turning me into. I feel so aggressive. Needless to say, I hope the Rob Ford era ends shortly. I love Toronto, and I can’t help but find this humiliating. I’ve lost my sense of humor regarding this matter. Fuckin Jay Leno!!!

– I can’t follow that with anything. This wasn’t 15 minutes. It took forever. I hate politics, and late night TV. I hope the Miami Heat lose, because I hate them too. 😦 So much hate…. I gotta stop or else I won’t be able to sleep.

On a lighter note…… http://www.paymevegas.com coming soon!!! Haha… You thought I was bluffing??

R

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized