August 27, 2012

B.A.N. – Boycott Acronyms Now

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Acronyms are completely out of control!  Most horrible fads that are taking place right now are just being ignored by me until they go away.  That’s not always how I like to deal with things, but it does work occasionally.  They say to do that with bees if you’re afraid of them.  ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away.’  That doesn’t work for me, so I maneuver my upper body to dodge them.  Like Muhammad Ali arrogantly moving his head away from a punch, or like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix.  Except instead of dodging punches and bullets, I’m dodging tight jeans and 80s glasses (If you visualize these things actually slowly flying towards me, and me moving away from them in slow motion like an action star…… it’s funny….. at least in my mind it is.)

Sadly acronyms are no fad.  They are here to stay.  I’m a reasonable person.  I, myself will tell you that we picked up some KFC on the way home yesterday, and I have enough leftovers in the fridge that I can probably eat it again after I’m finished this blog.  Kentucky Fried Chicken is a mouthful (both figuratively and literally) and it makes sense to shorten it to KFC.  That, my friends, is a great acronym.

What makes a great acronym???  It’s an instantly recognizable short form for something.  What makes a not-so great acronym?  That is a much longer answer……

Here are some dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) when it comes to using or inventing acronyms.  I feel strongly about these, and would like somebody to lobby for legislation.  Yes….. the government needs to get involved.  All governments!!!  This is becoming a worldwide epidemic.

1.  First of all, if you have a business, and want an acronym for your business, you should have to do at least $50 million dollars a year in annual sales to get an acronym.  That’s right!!!  An acronym should be earned, not just taken.  If you’re business name is ‘The Guy That Sells Carpet in Pittsburgh”, you are not GSCP!!!  Unless you are the only person selling carpet in Pittsburgh, and everyone there knows you because everyone there walks on your carpet every day because you have a monopoly on carpet there……. then you are GSCP!!  BTW, GSCP is ‘Goldman Sachs Capital Partners’ or ‘Global Supply Chain Planning’ or ‘Ground Support Computer Program’ etc.

2a.  This is an extension of the first one, but if you don’t have a strong enough brand, and the acronym doesn’t take, then stop pushing for it.  A great example is the Bank of Montreal.  They are proud sponsors of Toronto Raptors basketball (yes I still watch them).  They have been trying to re-brand themselves as BMO for as long as I care to remember, yet in their commercials they say “BMO -Bank of Montreal”.  You shouldn’t be allowed to do that.  If you want an acronym so badly, then let it ride and call yourself BMO!!  If you don’t think that the public ‘gets it’, then abort the acronym and call yourself Bank of Montreal.  You can’t do both, it’s redundant and stupid.  I say a 2 year maximum on this foolishness.  Shit or get off the pot.  BMO-Bank of Montreal has been doing this for many years.  Maybe it’s because BMO is the ‘British Mathematical Olympiad’ or ‘Business Management Office’ or ‘Ballistic Missile Organization’

2b.  Also on the topic of redundancy…… if another kid comes up to me and says ‘YOLO… you only live once’, I’m gonna strangle them.  I’m happy you kids are learning new slang through rap songs.  Half of what I know in this world I learned through rap songs, but…….  don’t say YOLO, and then explain what it means to me in the next sentence.  Either say ‘YOLO’ (only if you think I’ll understand without further explanation), or say ‘you only live once’.  Saying both is like driving with one foot on the gas, and the other one on the brake at the same time.  Only people who don’t know how to drive do that.  YOLO can also stand for ‘Yell Out Loud Obnoxiously’, ‘You’re Only Lesbian Online’, ‘You Only Love Oreos’ (I shit you not by the way).

3.  Finally, the texting language.  I hoped this would go away, but it won’t.  It’s just going to get worse, and I predict we will get a full novel in text form within the next 5 years.  It’s inevitable.  Actually, that was a pretty good idea.  The media would be all over that.  If any of you decide to do this, I want 5% of the gross.  I have boycotted ‘LOL’.  I did it years ago.  I remember at first I had no idea what it meant.  I probably could have looked it up, but never bothered.  I just waited until somebody told me.  It’s stupid.  Nobody laughs out loud that often.  If somebody texts me something funny, I just say Haha.  Way better.  I could be LOL-ing or just politely Haha-ing.  Nobody can tell.  I guess a few texting short forms are OK, but I feel like it’s getting out of hand too.  Congratulations to anyone that was going to call me out on BTW-ing earlier.  I was just testing to see if you were paying attention.  These are good ones.  SMH on the other hand…… I thought it meant ‘suck my hole’ for the last 2 years.  In hindsight I’m not proud that it was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I saw the acronym for ‘Scratching My Head’.  It wasn’t until I got an SMH waaaay out of context that I realized it couldn’t mean that.  It could also mean ‘St. Michael’s Hospital’ or ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ or ‘Sanitary Man Hole’.

All alternate acronym definitions were courtesy of www.acronymfinder.com.  Yes…. there is such a thing, and you wouldn’t believe how out of control it’s gotten.  Let’s just B.A.N. this now!  B.A.N. can also stand for ‘Bachelor of Arts in Nursing’ or ‘Brothers Across Nigeria’ or ‘Budget Allocation Notice’

 

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August 13, 2012

Unfamous Quotes By Me

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m super busy tomorrow.  My 18 week Monday blog streak will come to an end 😦  Unless I write one tonight and post it tomorrow.  If I had been doing this for 3 years or so, I could just re-post an old blog hoping you hadn’t read it yet, but I don’t think that’s gonna fly.  So I bring you………Unfamous Quotes By ME!!!!!  I feel that these would be famous quotes if I in fact were famous….. but I’m not….. so they’re not…..so I’m going through the archives to see if I’ve said anything interesting since the inception of social media.  Most of these have been long forgotten by anybody who may have heard them.

I love a great quote.  I’m not the type to ever get the wording right, or to be able to give proper credit to the author.  I think they are valuable learning tools, because when the wording is chosen properly, you can say so much in just one or two sentences.  Some of these are life lessons…… some are just obnoxious ramblings, but I’ve said all of these things in the past, and probably been proud enough to repeat them.  I hope you find them entertaining if not useful.

The Qu0tes…..

“Throwing an Alley Oop to yourself is bad Karma”

“Live vicariously through yourself”

“You aint a vampire dude….. cut your fingernails!!!”

“Brunch without bacon is just Runch”

“We used to have no idea what instant gratification meant, now we’re pissed off when we don’t get it”

“I don’t believe in accidental celebrity deaths.  It’s too lucrative for too many people.  Someone is always behind it”

“The only reason dog is man’s best friend is because they can’t tell we’re assholes”

“Some people have steak and eggs appetite, but cereal ambition”

“Instead of having a ‘Teen Choice Award’, they should have an ‘Adult Who’s Been Around Long Enough To Know Good Music Choice Award'”

“Here’s a horoscope for all of you….. Most of you will spend most of your time doing dumb shit”

That’s it for now.  Maybe someday when I have writers block I’ll find some more!

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August 7, 2012

Olympinions

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m as much of a sucker for the Olympics as I previously blogged about being for Disney!  Maybe more-so.  This is my chance to avidly follow people I don’t know playing sports I’ve never watched before, and do so passionately.  I practically threw the converter in heartbreak when the Canadian women’s soccer team lost to the U.S. today.  It’s the first women’s soccer game I’ve ever watched.  I like the idea that people have spent their entire lives preparing for a moment that in some cases lasts under a minute.  Not saying I’d do it……but I will happily watch someone else do it.  It’s inspiring.  There are a lot of emotional moments.  I ‘almost cry’ a lot during the Olympics.  Shut up man… you probably do too!!

Like anything in this world worth watching, the Olympics aren’t perfect.  There’s always some crazy controversy surrounding some of the events.  I have opinions on some of these matters, but I’m going to steer this blog toward some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last week while watching the Olympics.

In no particular order…….(Some of this may be wildly inaccurate)

– I feel bad for the badminton teams that got kicked out because they tried to throw the match.  A lot of times it’s the coaches, and powers that be that make these decisions to do something dumb like throw a match.  The athletes are the ones that pay the price.  I feel this way about steroids as well, and don’t give me the business about the ‘athlete should just say no’.  It doesn’t always work that way.

– I think there are too many swimming medals.  I’m not trying to say that Michael Phelps isn’t the greatest Olympian ever, but other sports don’t award like 5 or 6 medals for doing the same thing (just at different distances).  A Judo guy can only win one medal, so can a basketball team.  They have to play a lot of matches to get there.  If you’re the fastest swimmer in the world and you know a few different strokes, there’s no shortage of medal possibilities.  I find it anti-climactic to see a swimmer not win a medal, but then get 5 more shots at it.

– I had a friend suggest to me last night that there should be retractable diving boards so divers wouldn’t hit their heads.  I agree with this.  I don’t like hearing about divers hitting their heads on the board.  It’s dangerous.  I know that’s part of the sport and it adds to the level of difficulty, but safety should come first.  Everybody wants professional football and hockey to lower their concussion rate….. why not diving.  If they can make an Ipod smaller than a Triscuit, then someone could invent the retractable diving board.

– Some dude threw a plastic bottle onto the track just before the 100 metre sprint finals.  Apparently he’s gone to court and plead not-guilty.  Here’s the thing……How much of a jackass do you have to be to spend the money to go to the Olympics (which I’m sure isn’t the easiest to get tickets for, especially the 100 metre final), and think that it’s a good idea to throw something onto the track like you’re the show that everyone came to see?  Like somehow, with your graceful throwing of the water bottle you could somehow upstage (arguably) the most anticipated event in the entire games?  Big time jackass is the answer I’m looking for.  Will he get a fine?  Prison time?  I don’t know, but I’m a firm believer in ironic punishments.  Since this guy wants to be the show, I think they should string him up naked (as well as some of his closest friends, because the only reason you throw a bottle at a track meet is for a story to tell your friends, and if he has the type of friends that would be impressed by such a story, then they deserve to be punished as well) in front of the entire crowd at the 4X100 relay finals, and invite all the finalists from the 100 meter to come out with a bucket of empty bottles.  Set the timer for 10 minutes and let these sprinters throw the bottles at their idiotic naked bodies from point blank range for 10 straight minutes while the crowd enjoys what I call Olympic Spirit, and Ironic Justice!!

Those are my Olympinions.  What are yours?

 

 

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

July 30, 2012

Don’t worry….. I’m not going to blog about you!

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

To give you a bit of a background, I’ve had a small lack of inspiration happening this morning.  There’s usually the moment where I haven’t had coffee yet, and I can’t write, but then a few hours later there’s the moment where I’ve had too much coffee and I can’t write.  There is a finite opportunity for me to get this blog off, and if I piss around too much within that window, then the quality of my product decreases significantly.  Usually I wake up Monday morning knowing I need to blog to fulfill my commitment to myself (and now some faithful readers…. thank you).  I’m lucky if I already have a topic picked out, but usually if I don’t, I quickly come up with something.  They say writers should write even if they have nothing to write about, just to stay in the habit of doing it, plus it’s probably a good test of skill to pull off some half decent writing with no inspiration.  I want badly to write about ‘writer’s block’ but it’s so cliché.  I sometimes ask people for topics, but for whatever strange reason, I never want to write about things that people suggest I should write about.  Today I would like to write about the impact my writing has on my social life.  Yes….I’m going to blog about blogging!  It was only a matter of time.

I was just instant messaging with a friend.  We were catching up, and I hadn’t come up with a blog topic yet, so I asked him for one (knowing I probably wouldn’t use it).  He had just had us over for a get together on the weekend, and he suggested I write about house parties!  The ins & outs, expectations & pitfalls, dos & don’ts, the anecdotal booze rules……  That’s a pretty good topic.  He knows me well, and knows I could write passionately about the subject, because I love a good house party!  Herein lies the problem with that.  If I do this, people in my circle that have read my blog could become ‘house party self conscious’ if they choose to invite me.  Am I over reacting?  Possibly, but this past Saturday night I was at their house attending one of the better get-togethers I’d been to in some time.  They had renovated the backyard, they had one of those big tents to keep the bugs out so we could sit around outside.  The food was good, they had cool drinks, great music, guacamole, nice mix of our friends.  I had a great time.  Then when my buddy offered coffee to everyone, he mentioned that he didn’t have cream.  Two other people piped up and mentioned a previous blog that I had written about the importance of having cream for your coffee.  We all had a good laugh, but I felt a range of emotions.  1) Flattered that people are reading my blog and almost able to quote stuff from it.  2) Bad because something I wrote contributed to a moment where I was basically now judging them for not having cream in the house, even though I would never have said anything, and 3) Embarrassed, because publishing that blog months earlier was now the equivalent of getting up in the middle of a room and shouting “OH MY GOD, THESE GUYS DON’T HAVE CREAM FOR THEIR COFFEE”, which was such a small detail to an otherwise amazing night.  I don’t even think anyone was going to drink coffee!!!

It’s a very interesting dynamic.  I’ve started a blog which whether intentionally or not has become something of a ‘rant’ blog.  People tend to find me more entertaining when I’m angry or feisty (according to the site stats) which is actually rather inconvenient for me since I prefer just to be cool and laid back.  Upon reading some of my own stuff, I appear to be auditioning for a job with the ‘behaviour police’ and judging everyone I come across in the world which was really not my original intention.  It’s funny how lately, people I know will occasionally reference a situation, and say ‘I wonder if he’ll blog about that’, or ‘I hope he doesn’t blog about me’.

I’ve learned a great lesson about how words (even on a small-scale such as this) are forever once published.  Even though I’ve never mentioned any names, and have rarely made reference to anybody I know, I have been putting my opinions out there into the world.  I try to make them general rather than specific, but you may fit into a category of people who I’ve made fun of or spoken out against.  If it’s happened with people I know, I hope we’re still cool.  I’m legitimately worried that if I wrote a post about house parties and how I think they should be, that people would be nervous about inviting me to theirs, thinking I’d be making notes or filling out a report card.  I don’t want to put pressure on people like that.  I just want to have a cold beer.

In general though, I just want you to know that you don’t have to worry.  I’m not so desperate for blog topics that I would intentionally embarrass any of you.  I am not waiting for you to screw up in life so I can write about you.  I’ve seen enough random strangers doing a lifetime’s worth of idiotic things, that I can write about that until my hands fall off.  Just in case you were wondering…….Hope we can still hang out 🙂

 

 

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July 24, 2012

Things a bird would rather do

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was on the golf course today.  I didn’t play well.  In fact, a better way to describe it would be to say that the course kicked my ass today!  During a bad round of golf you have lots of time to think.  If you’re on a nice golf course (which I was today courtesy of a friend who had won free foursome at a previous tournament he played in), you are bound to think once or twice about how beautiful nature can be (provided it’s not raining).

I saw a bird today just soaring in the wind.  I’ll call him a hawk because he was black with a huge wingspan, but to be honest I don’t differentiate birds well.  This hawk was cruisin’ man…..  he was just swayin’ in the breeze.  Not flapping his wings at all, just going whichever way the wind took him.  Just relaxing.  Just being free.  For about 10 minutes (like any normal person) I thought ‘wow man’……..imagine being that free.  Up in the sky without a care in the world just soaring.  Beautiful!  Then for the rest of the day I thought about this……

I’ll bet birds fuckin hate flying around all the time.  It seems great to us because we can’t do it.  I’ll bet a bird would give anything to walk as briskly as a human can walk or operate a motorized vehicle.  Or go inside when it’s raining.  All birds can do is fly around.  They eat worms.  I feel like they would absolutely love to sit at a table and enjoy a nice steak dinner with a bottle of Cabernet.  They build nests, but if they could purchase a 2000 square foot home pre-construction and have the thing built for them, I think they would.  They communicate with each other with their bird-calls, but do you know how hard it is to hear someone when the wind is blowing in your little bird ears and you’re flying around?  I’m sure they would love to own cell phones to talk or text.

It’s funny how we think our lives suck so badly, and we’re always so sure that the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes it would be nice to fly away from an awkward conversation.  Yes it would be amazing to shit on somebody’s car if you didn’t like them.  My favourite bird activity would be to sit on an electrical wire and say ‘haha fuckers…. you can’t do this!!!!’

Birds can fly which is pretty cool, granted.  Can they breakdance?  Can they tell jokes?  Can they go to the movies?  Can they write in Calligraphy?  Can they go out for ice cream?  (Trick question, they absolutely can, but they cannot purchase it… they must wait for it to be spilled.)  Can they play Twister?  Can they take a business class?  Can they wear basketball shoes?  Can they do laundry?  (No, but score a point for them) Can they use the internet?  Can they make smoothies?  The answer is no!

To tie this all together beautifully, I’d like to suggest that maybe being human isn’t so bad after all.  Particularly in the first world.  Is there a strong allure to making a lot of noise with no repercussion, and hanging out with your friends anywhere at anytime?  Yes they both interest me, but I think most of you would have to admit that being a bird, while cool for a few minutes, would generally be undesirable in comparison to being human.  That’s all I’m saying.  I know this isn’t a huge burning debate or anything, but I thought I’d weigh in.

On a sidenote, I can’t eat salmon without thinking I’m going to puncture my throat with little fish bones and choke to death.  However salmon is delicious so I brave through the anxiety.  Now you know something about me 🙂

That is all.

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 16, 2012

No please, really…. inconvenience me!!! Life really is all about you, I swear!

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

On the bus/streetcar/subway………

I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough on this bus to bring your take-out food, and eat a full-on meal here in front of me.  I think this is an important step in our relationship as complete strangers.  Ohhh the aroma, what is that??  Maybe you could give me the address of the place where you picked that up.  I’m so interested in your dining experience, I just wish there was something I could do to make you more comfortable.  Maybe I could stand, so you could put your food down.  Maybe I have napkins in my pocket.  I can’t believe this stupid bus doesn’t have a drink holder for you.  It’s so innovative of you to think of eating here, and providing a dual purpose for this vehicle which until you got here was only good for transportation.

I love the way you put your makeup on while riding the subway.  It’s amazing that I’m able to witness the entire transition on my commute to work in the morning.  It’s not just lipstick with you, is it?  You’ve got the whole case here.  This is going to be valuable for me to see you do this in a moving vehicle no less. I’ll cross my fingers while you do your eye makeup.  I hope you’re done before I get to work so I can see the finished product.  I know you’ll look like an absolute princess when you’re done and it means a lot to me that you allowed me to see the blank canvas first, and that now I know how it must feel to be inside of your bathroom.  No really…. Thank you!  I feel closer to you!

Dude, that seat on the bus that you’re on is really a 2-seater.  I mean it’s a love seat.  It only makes sense for you to sprawl out.  It’s important to me that you’re as relaxed and comfortable as possible.  There’s only an off chance that someone else would want to sit in the other seat, and besides…. you got here first!  You and your friend are chillin hard right now, so it’s only sensible that you re-create the conditions of your living room.  You should really talk louder too.  I don’t know if your buddy can hear you over the annoying rumbling of the train engine, and the other people on the train.  You should really sit as far apart from each other as possible, because you’re saying some really interesting deep stuff right now, and I think the rest of the train can benefit from hearing it.  Thank you for being open and generous with your thoughts.  You’re really making the rest of us feel welcome.

Oh and the guy with the iPod???  You are groovin up a storm.  The way you’re actually rapping some of the lyrics out loud is like entertainment for me.  You are mad talented, and I feel like Drake is right here on the subway train.  I might need an autograph after this.  How can I get that song on my iPod?  The way you’re doing a live rendition of it???  I should be so lucky to have live entertainment on my work commute.  I didn’t even have to pay for a ticket.  Man…. you’re dancing like nobody’s watching!!!!  That is philosophically in alignment with every bit of ‘life advice’ I’ve ever received.  I can only hope that some day I might have the courage to do the same.  You inspire me!!

NOT

7 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 10, 2012

11:24 Thoughts for your consideration

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

First of all let me say this.  I don’t think anybody that really knows me including myself thought that I would blog this many Mondays in a row.  I really thought after 4 or 5 weeks I’d start to slack.  I’ve done about 12 blogs (I say about, because I’m not going to switch pages to check the exact number….. it’s not about the number, it’s about the fact that I think the number is big), and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many people have read, and claimed to enjoy them.  I feel responsible to give you some water cooler talk worthy mind candy to suck on…..but it’s 11:24 pm.  I’m sleepy.  I played 18 holes of golf, and played in a basketball game later.  You must think I’m quite an athlete.  I’ll let you continue to think that.  I didn’t want to write just any old sloppy blog that only had one or two paragraphs.  I didn’t want to resort to pictures.  I just wanted to continue the streak so I could live to blog another day.

So here’s what I’ve decided.  I’ve gone through some of my Facebook status updates, as well as come up with a few new ones that seem worthy to give you my list of

10 THOUGHTS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION (in no particular order of importance)

1.  To be BI and POLAR would make you one interesting bear.

2.  I’d take vacation accrual over a cruel vacation.

3.  Why at the Pie Eating Contest in the movie ‘Stand By Me’ was EVERYBODY’s vomit purple, even if they hadn’t had any pie?

4.  Hipsters look like rejects from a WHAM! video audition…… just sayin’

5.  Until dogs stop sniffing crotch, asshole, and shitting on the ground, they should not be allowed to enter retail stores.

6.  I’m tired of what some athlete or entertainer said on their twitter page being reported on the fucking news.  That’s not news, it’s gossip.  Do your fucking jobs news-people.  You suck!

7.  Man…… It’s 11:47, there’s no way I’m coming up with 4 more of these in the next 13 minutes…..  C’mon man, you can do it…… just like high school.  OK…… I hate it when people make lists and then cop out at number 7 and just say a bunch of random shit, and try to pass it off as one of the 10 things he promised to blow your mind with.  It was supposed to be like Candy.

8.  I really think that the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches children that racism and prejudice is OK, as long as Christmas gets saved.  It’s appalling if you really listen.

9.  Mojito flavoured beer is ridiculous.  If you’re beer is so shitty that you need to make it taste like a mojito, then you’re on the wrong track.  Even dumber are the people that buy it.  If you’re in the mood for mojito, make a mojito, case closed.  There’s no logical explaination for mojito beer!!

10.  Ever notice that when David Letterman does his top 10 list, that the last one is never one of the better ones, and it ends up being anti climactic?

10 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

June 4, 2012

The popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and before you read too far, this is not about popcorn kernels being stuck in my teeth only to be found and removed professionally.  It’s more a metaphor for minor annoyances that have been accumulating in my brain (plaguing my existence).  Probably not worth logging on to Facebook or Twitter to update my status (no, I don’t have those apps for my phone…… I don’t have any apps for my phone…… I keep thinking if I ignore technology long enough, it will go back to the way it was……. no??…… not happening??…….it’s just gonna get worse???…..damn..).  I was hoping if I had enough random thoughts, that the whole could be greater than the sum of its parts since I really didn’t think of a humdinger of a topic to stick with for the entire blog.

So I awoke this morning and decided it was time to reach back in the closet and pull out my funniest tee-shirt.  It’s a picture of a gingerbread man with a broken leg.  The caption says “Oh Snap!”  I giggled like a 12-year-old girl when I bought it.  The punchline is funny enough but you have to see the look of concern on his little face.  He knows there’s no surgery that’s bringing that leg back, but while enduring the most horrible physical pain he’s ever gone through, he has the levity to deliver a quality tee-shirt punchline.  How could my day be anything short of amazing now.  I did some background research for this paragraph (to make sure it wasn’t from a movie or something) and apparently the “Oh Snap” Gingerbread man makes an appearance on coffee mugs.  One of the sites I googled referred to this as ‘Cookie Humor’, a concept I was unaware of, but now find myself curious about.  Just off the top of my head, if I had to come up with ‘Cookie Humor’ tee-shirts I would start with a picture of Chewbacca with a bunch of brown spots all over him and call it ‘Chocolate Chip Wookies’.  (Shazzzammmmm….. I know I shouldn’t celebrate my jokes, but c’mon, that shit was gold)

Moving along to the rants…….

I hate it when the chick at the drive thru takes your order, and is waiting for you when you arrive at the window, and then acts annoyed that you don’t have your money ready yet.  “Bitch, I was driving!!”………

I got this one from a buddy.  Union Station in Toronto was flooded the other day due to heavy rains, and my friend saw a guy berating a transit employee because ‘This is Toronto, and it’s unacceptable!!’, as if the guy made it rain and is now really happy about standing knee-deep in it trying to clean up.  Lighten up jerk off!………

Body odor on the bus is my next thing.  I talk about this all the time.  I’m ok with the old man who pissed himself.  It smells, but he’s old, and sometimes when your old, you have to piss yourself, and it’s terrible, but I don’t judge.  I’m ok with the homeless people who smell.  I hate being around it, but I understand that when you’re homeless, B.O. is the least of your worries, so I tolerate it.  However, when I see a guy who I know has a job and a home, and he smells because he doesn’t shower often enough or wear deodorant, and I’m stuck with him on the bus???  It drives me nuts.  deodorant $5.  Axe Spray $5, FANCY Soap $5, Regular Soap way less, not ruining my friggin bus ride to work????  Priceless……….

Even though I’m so quick to complain about people, I don’t come from a family of malcontents, so when I hear my father make fun of someone I LOVE it because he’s such a nice guy, and it’s just not in his nature.  This is for all you golfers out there with more money than brains.  We love waiting behind you at the first tee watching you brag about all your golf equipment, decked out in the finest golf apparel, opening the new package of balls which promises more distance on your drives.  Then given a choice of 4 tees, you pick the championship tournament tees at the back to hit from because your such a hero, then we watch you duff your first shot a pissy 30 yards into the bushes.  Satisfying!  Get lessons dummy!

🙂

 

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

May 28, 2012

Steroids vs. Gatorade

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I find that a really good way to get on somebody’s nerves is to challenge their belief system.  I never do it just to get on people’s nerves of course, but I do enjoy a good debate from time to time.  It’s fun to exchange ideas, and sometimes watch people squirm when you point out things that contradict what they believe.  Even if I share the same views as a person, I enjoy playing Devil’s Advocate far too much.  If at the end of our debates, they were able to bring up several good arguments I’ll always respect them for it, knowing that they believe in their viewpoint because they’ve thought it through, and not just because everyone else believes it.  Having said that, I’ve had the following debate many times before, and I’ve never been able to convince anybody to change their opinion about it.  I’m not even suggesting that I agree 100% with my own opinion, but I do enjoy entering a debate as the dark-horse.

The topic is (once again) the baseball/steroid issue.  My stance is “Who cares?”

I was inspired to write this after seeing the new Gatorade commercials for the G Series.  If you don’t know, Gatorade has a 3 part process now.  First you eat a ‘chew’ to prime yourself before playing sports.  Then you drink regular Gatorade (which is now called ‘perform’) while you’re playing sports.  Then there’s a ‘recovery’ shake to drink after you play sports.  Awesome!!  There are a lot of supplements which can give you more energy to be sure, but Gatorade may just be that (fair/unfair) advantage that you need.  Kind of like steroids (but I’ll get back to that).

I always find it interesting that they have a steroid witch hunt involving 2 retired players, namely Barry Bonds and Roger Clemens.  They really want to set an example by trying to ruin the legacy of the greatest hitter (arguably) and pitcher (arguably) of this past generation.  They couldn’t do anything to them while they were playing, because for most of their playing years, Major League Baseball didn’t even have a steroid policy in place.  Now that they’re embarrassed by how poorly they handled it, they want to blame like half a dozen guys for what Jose Canseco claims 80% of the league did?  How fair/unfair is that?  If these guys played for the Yankees while admitting to taking steroids, it would have blown over quickly.  They’re being punished for dishonesty along with Pete Rose, and that isn’t even about drugs.  I mean MLB and drugs??  They were nowhere near this upset when half the league was coked out in the 80s.  I think it’s ok to punish guys now that there is a clear rule in place, but before that players were going to push boundaries.  If the league doesn’t set any than shame on them.  Do you think it’s fair/unfair to  “Ben Johnson” them by making a couple of guys the scapegoats for what was a league wide problem.  Ben Johnson was the fastest man in the world, Roger Clemens was the best pitcher, and Barry Bonds was the best hitter.  They were sinners like everyone else, but they were punished for their greatness, not their steroid use.

What do steroids do anyways?  I don’t think it teaches you to throw a curveball, or to hit one either.  It does help you recover better though.  When you play 162 times in 182 days, you better be able to recover.  Luckily Advil helps.  I’ll never forget an aging, but still amazing Nolan Ryan who was the first Advil spokesman that I can recall.  I know after a tough game, I can take a couple of Advil and feel amazing the next day.  Was it fair/unfair for Nolan Ryan to take Advil?

What makes a variety of supplements, vitamins, good food, and over the counter medication OK, but steroids not OK?  Is it because it’s illegal?  Driving under the influence of alcohol is illegal.  Lots of players have done that, but none have an asterisk beside their name in the record books claiming they didn’t really do what they did.  Assault is illegal.  Players get into fights sometimes, shall we re-write the record book for that?

So why are people so mad about the whole steroid thing?  I think it’s a fairness issue.  Most people would have been told by now that life isn’t fair, and would agree with that.  Why do we expect other things to be fair then.  Baseball isn’t fair.  It never has been.  Is it fair that someone should have heaps of talent, and someone else doesn’t?  Is it fair that someone is 6 ft 4, and someone else is only 5 ft 9?  Which of those 2 kids gets drafted?  The talented 6 ft 4 kid who hasn’t done much, or the over achieving 5 ft 9 kid who put up big numbers in high school?  It’s the 6 ft 4 kid every time.  Is that fair/unfair?

Now we all hate the big millionaire best player in the game, that gets greedy and takes steroids so he can get more money/fame/records.  That’s usually the example people think of when they think of steroid use.  What about the guy that signed a pretty good contract, and is under a lot of pressure to perform, but maybe he’s got a nagging injury, and doesn’t feel like he’s earning the money that the team is paying him, the team is losing, and if he could just get back to feeling a little more healthy like he used to when he was a better player, maybe he could contribute a bit more and get the weight of the world off his shoulders for 5 minutes, and he sees everyone else doing it so he………. or the guy that’s 32 years old and has been that close but no cigar prospect/career minor leaguer, who’s dreamed every day of his life of being a major league baseball player, and he got so close he could almost taste it, but younger, bigger, stronger kids with more ‘upside’ keep bypassing him on their way to the big leagues, and if he could only muscle a few more fly balls out of the park, the big club might take notice and call him up for a few weeks so he could die happy knowing he achieved his lifelong dream.  Maybe just one time……….Could you find it in your heart to forgive these guys if they took steroids?  I could!  In fact, I’ll take it a step further and say as a fan, I respect them for risking their health to try to get better.  They wanted to be better at their jobs!!!  I would love to have employees like that.  It takes a strange mix of stupidity and desperation to become a steroid user.  Somehow as a fan, I think they did this for us!  We can argue their methods, but we can’t question their dedication.

In closing, I guess it’s not really as much of an issue any more.  MLB does have rules now.  They were a little late to the party, but there are now consequences for getting caught taking steroids.  I think I just wish they would stop all the nonsense about trying to dig up the past.  This was a ‘Lord of the Flies’ scenario where if there are no controls in place, chaos ensues.  MLB has nobody to blame but themselves, and I think it’s in poor taste for everyone to try to hang a few guys out to dry for a problem that hundreds if not thousands of people should be punished for.  Let’s just call it bad management and move on.  Now players know the parameters and can stick to using other performance enhancers like Gatorade.

Is that fair/unfair?

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May 21, 2012

If I HAD to get caught in a time warp, the year would be……….

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

“Oh, when I look back now…. the summer seemed to last forever…. and if I had a choice…. yeah I would wanna be there….. those were the best days of my life”  –  Bryan Adams – fellow Canadian who was having the best days of his (musical life) at that exact moment (in my opinion).

The song was called Summer of ’69.  But it was released in 1985 which is the year I would want to get caught in a time warp.  Why would I choose a song which was clearly not about the year that I wanted to talk about?  You’re guess is as good as mine.  Don’t fight it, just go with it.  I mean, I’m sure that ’69 was cool, but I was born in 74 so I don’t want to gamble on the unknown.  I’ll pick a year that I’ve seen and lived through.

Now I don’t really know what a time warp is, and Wikipedia didn’t help, but I’ve always saved this term for describing people who just stopped evolving at a certain point in the world’s history (to be fair, I base this on appearances if I don’t know the person…..which isn’t really fair at all, but I can’t slow down for technicalities right now).  I see it all the time, at work, on the train, at the mall.  It usually happens to people over 30, and it probably will happen to everyone at some point.  I sometimes see a person, and look at the way they’ve dressed, the way they talk, and I can usually pick the year that they stopped evolving.  Fashion is the easiest indicator.  It moves around, and sometimes you move with it, and look current.  Sometimes you might skip over a trend or two if it doesn’t suit you, but other times people just stop forever with a certain ‘look’, and that’s the ‘look’ they have for the rest of their lives.  As time moves further and further away from that moment, you look more and more like you weren’t made for these times.

I have an example of a guy who is a tradesman that I run into from time to time.  He’s a nice guy, and he is usually wearing some sort of work uniform, but he has a mullet.  A great mullet mind you!  There is definitely product in his hair, and it’s well maintained.  If this were 1985, you’d look at his hair with fascination and approval.  Now I look at it still with fascination, but…..  I can tell that in his mind it’s 1985.  That his ‘Glory Days’ (released 1985 by Bruce Springsteen) were in the mid 80s, and he just stopped evolving.  He got stuck in a time warp, so now his clothes and hair probably look a bit weird to most, and if he was single and wanted to meet women, he’d have to find someone who was also stuck in that same time warp, so that they would ‘get’ each other.  I’m not saying that’s bad.  I’m not saying this guy doesn’t have a great life.  After all, what better year to be stuck in?  I remember another guy who owned a bar in a small town, and it was near the lake, but you could tell he wishes he was a Sam Malone type of bartender, but based out of California in a Huey Lewis & the News video.  This wasn’t that, but it didn’t seem so bad.  After all, he had a great ‘Mark Harmon in Summer School’ Hawaiian shirt.

My advice on avoiding the time warp phenomenon?  3 things.  First, believe that your best days are ahead of you.  The fashion time warp hits people who (subconsciously) feel that they’ve already peaked.  They want to be like they were in their ‘glory days’, so they act, dress, and talk like they still are.  Second, keep an open mind about things that are happening today.  Yes, the music we listened to back in the day was way better than this shit, but there’s still some good stuff coming out if you’re patient enough to find it and give it a fair listen.  Third, don’t dive too deep into the fashion trends.  There are always some classic looks, and some wardrobe staples that never go out of style.  If you can stick to some of those looks, then people won’t be able to pinpoint the year you got stuck in.

Finally, why did I pick 1985 to get stuck in (if I had to get stuck, which I hope I never do)???  Because I was 10 years old….my hair had an ambitious concoction of mousse, gel, hairspray, all to try to get that Duran Duran look…….Back to the Future came out (and btw, the future is 3 years from now…. where are our flying cars?)……My Toronto Blue Jays made the playoffs for the first time, and had a 99 win season which is the best regular season they ever had (including their 2 World Series years)…..On July 13th I woke up at 7am to watch Live Aid on TV which is probably the most extraordinary concert of all time for a lot of reasons…….I wore parachute pants……I had a Commodore 64…….Pop music was on the tail end of possibly most interesting period (ok fine music purists, the keyboards and electric drums were a bit much, but is was fun as shit)……WWF wrestling hadn’t yet become a weird soap opera for men (they actually had wrestling matches)……..The San Francisco 49ers won the Superbowl……Music Video stations like MTV and MuchMusic actually played Music Videos!!!……There was so much neon (my wife thinks it’s disturbing that I have such a fascination with this, but if your restaurant or hotel has a neon sign, I’d like to eat/stay there…. reminds me of Miami Vice)………Probably the funnest part of 1985 (other than Coca-Cola shitting the bed by changing the recipe of the most popular drink in the world, and then having to change it back (btw… ughh I know bracket within a bracket… ugh I know, they’re called parenthesis, people should never be afraid of making mistakes….. just be awesome all the time and people will forgive you…. that’s the first thing I’ll tell my kid when he/she is old enough to understand….. Look at Coke!!!)) was the fact that I was 10 years old and didn’t have a care in the world.  I couldn’t fault anyone for being stuck in a time warp like that!!  I wouldn’t recommend it either though…. it’s not a good look.

7 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized