Tag Archives: Rant

September 3, 2013

Fan Of The Game

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

An Open Letter To The Drunk Guy At The Football Game……..

Dear Friend,

Yes I say friend, because after watching you make an idiot of yourself for the last hour and a half, I feel like I know you. Also, after your persistent attempts to interact with every single person in the stadium, I feel like you know me too. You probably know me as a quiet enough guy, who eats a pizza slice, and has a beer or two while watching the football game. I know you as a complete shit-show of drunk, trying to be a stand up comedian a few rows in front of me.

I shouldn’t be surprised that I saw you here tonight. It seems I see a different you, every time I go to a game, or a movie, or some sort of live performance. It’s the same role played by a different performer each time. This version of you is wearing a Calgary Stampeders jersey, so I already know you’re in my town cheering for the wrong team. Which is cool. I respect a fan that will travel to see an out-of-town game. You’ve got your sidekick with you too who is also wearing a jersey, also drunk, but only 75% as loud as you. Yeah, you’re the ringleader. The man with the plan.

Your style of experience disruption is probably my favourite one. You’re the guy that stands up every time something good happens to your team (it helps that you’re cheering for the wrong team, otherwise you wouldn’t stand out, and nobody would pay attention to you), and instead of facing the field, and clapping/yelling/cheering or some other fan-related reaction, you’re facing the fans behind you, and looking them in the face. Somewhere between the 3rd and 4th beer, you started to see warmth in their smiles. They started hanging on your every comment instead of looking at you with contempt or indifference. Even the females in the crowd started paying attention to you! Your team is even up by two touchdowns. Tonight’s your night bro! Now instead of standing up every 5 minutes to say something dumb, you just aren’t going to bother sitting back down because you are in such high demand…. people are dying to know what next bit of hilarity will escape your soul. You should be paid a commission for the amount of entertainment you add to the whole fan experience (You mean I get to watch a football game AND listen to this doorknob all night? Double bonus for me!!). If only I could be in the same row as you so I could have beer spilled on my head as you walk by. It would be so excellent if I could be close enough to give you a handshake or a high-five every time you said something awesome (which is always). I can only sit several rows back and quietly pray for MORE WITTY BANTER!!

Less Football, More You!

Yours Truly
Thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants

The highlight of the night came when security finally came down to talk to this guy. I think everyone was dying to see him get booted, but when he saw security come, he fell in line and was quiet and remorseful. Then I heard a guy a few rows back yell ‘You’re sittin’ down now, eh Jackass??’

Is hilarity a word?

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 20, 2013

Do We Really Need It?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was watching a TV commercial the other day. If I knew I’d be blogging about it, I would have tried to remember what product they were selling. It could have been a phone, but not necessarily. There was a 3 second clip of a girl’s hand reaching out from behind the shower curtain and changing which song was playing on her phone…… Now as someone who takes the music I listen to very seriously, I have to ask….. How long is your friggin shower that you can’t sort out a 3 or 4 song playlist, or that you don’t have the attention span to get through it without reaching for your phone to put on a different ‘shower song’? We ARE a society that needs our phones, I get it, but do we need them SO badly that they have to be in the shower with us?

What about hashtags??? Not being a huge Twitter guy, this was explained to me as a way to organize your thoughts or connect with other people. From where I’m standing, it’s a corny punchline opportunity at the end of your status update. Have we really organized our statuses, and went back and looked through them? Have we gotten a bunch of new followers? Or have we just #triedtogetacheaplaughattheendofourstatusupdate?
It’s kind of dumb. Let’s stop.

Do we really need to know what’s going on in Lindsay Lohan’s life? I haven’t seen any of her movies. I don’t want to downplay her accomplishments, but she’s spent way more time on TV for partying too hard, then she has for being an actress. My personal opinion is that what someone does things on their own time, it’s their own business, but at least if the Gossip Mag taste-makers decide who they’re going to follow around, and report every move they make as news…..make it someone I’ve heard of.

Light Peanut Butter. Give me a break guys…. I’m all for making healthy changes, but with 25% less fat, it doesn’t even taste like peanut butter. The graininess of it chafing my throat on the way down. It’s so awful, what a horrible invention. Nobody’s getting fat from peanut butter. Get over it. We don’t need this product. It looks too much like the regular one. Sometimes we buy it by accident. Just get it off the shelves. Also, I’m pretty sure whole wheat bread hasn’t saved all the lives you think it has.

Swag is either short for swagger or its free shit. Make up your mind. It’s a dumb word for either if you ask me. Swagger is probably the easiest two-syllable word to say in the English language, it doesn’t need a short form. Swag?? Free shit?? I don’t get it. According to Urbandictionary.com it’s an acronym for ‘secretly we are gay’. Who knew?

Speed bumps are popping up everywhere. I understand they serve a purpose sometimes, but I hate going over them. It just pisses me off when they are in unnecessary locations. Especially traffic calming zones. How much did you assholes pay for your house that we have to drive slow on your street, but fast everywhere else? It makes me want to ‘accidentally’ smash my car into the tree on someone’s front yard just to prove that they don’t work. Give me a break.

Pre-season Football. I love the NFL, but pre-season sucks. None of the good players play. It’s too long. None of the information from pre-season ever helps me with my fantasy team. It’s just a waste of time. Start the season already!!!

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 30, 2013

Cond-woes

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I live in a Condo and I love it! In Toronto, it snows a lot in the winter. Shovelling snow sucks, but not if you live in a condo. Removing a foot of snow from the top of your car before you go to work sucks, but not if your car is in a parking garage. In the summer, mowing the lawn sucks, but not if you don’t have a lawn. The final kicker as a lot of Torontonians just found out, that you can’t get a flooded basement in a condo. These are some convincing arguments as to why I enjoy the condo life.

There are a few things about it that drive me crazy. Before anybody lectures me about these being ‘first world problems’, I’ll point out that you can always choose to mind your own business 😉 If bloggers didn’t bitch about stuff like this, how interesting would the first world be? I’ll stick to one major pet peeve, because after all, I’m a fan of the condo lifestyle.

The thing that drives me absolutely nutty is our security team’s lack of competence using the intercom. They do fire alarm testing all the time. I guess it’s a good thing that they want to make sure the alarm works in case of emergencies. When there is an emergency, or an emergency alarm has sounded, our security team springs into action to announce over the intercom, every possible fucking detail of their emergency response. TWICE! This is policy I’m sure. Better to over communicate than under communicate, and I sort of appreciate that too. If they are going to say it twice though…. and bear in mind that this is almost always happening in the middle of the night…… I wish they would just say the whole sentence once, and then repeat it. They don’t communicate like this. THEY think that it’s clearer for everybody if they chop the sentence up, and just repeat fragments of the sentence.

For example, INSTEAD of saying……..
“May I have your attention please. The Fire Alarm has sounded. The Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your units and await further instruction…….. May I have your attention please. The Fire Alarm has sounded. The Fire Department is on its way. Please stay in your units and await further instruction”

THEY SAY
“May I have your attention please…. I repeat… may I have your attention please……the fire alarm has sounded….. I repeat….. the fire alarm has sounded…….The Fire Department is on its way…..I repeat (now imagine it’s the middle of the night and you have a mute button which you can press so the fire alarm isn’t so loud while you, your wife, and perhaps even a new-born baby who may not have even been that easy to put asleep to begin with, are now trying to sleep, but you have to wait for them to stop talking before the mute button will work) The Fire Department is on its way……..Please stay in your units and await further instruction……. I repeat…….. Please stay in your units and await further instruction. (now imagine that you have finally waited out this announcement that could have been communicated in a fraction of the time, and these jokers don’t know how to turn the mic off, so you hear at least 10-15 seconds of fuzz/background noise/murmuring, which feels like 10-15 minutes, and then finally click, and then the alarm sounds, and only now can you press the mute button, and guess what???? You’re wide fucking awake!!)

So the fire department arrives, and it’s almost always a false alarm. They get all of this sorted out just as your falling back asleep and then suddenly you hear….
Cackle Cackle cackle fuzz fuzz fuzz cackle background talking fuzz….. “May I have your attention please…..May I have your attention please………(then a huge pause…..C’MON MAN!!!!!!! Then he starts over) May I have your attention please…… May I have your attention please…….The Fire Department has completed their investigation…… I repeat……. The Fire Department has completed their investigation………There is no emergency…….. I repeat….. There is no emergency (SHUT THE HELL UP, DAMN YOU!!!!!!!!!)….. Thank you for your co-operation

Now I love my security guys. I’m also willing to accept that they didn’t write the script. You need to understand, however, that at 2:30 in the fucking morning, I don’t have the patience for you to read that slowly, not only that, but what’s with all the dead air??? It sounds like someone pocket dialed from a cell phone. If it was the first time you’ve used the intercom, I could understand, but some of you fuckers have been working here for 5 years. HOW FUCKING COMPLICATED COULD IT POSSIBLY BE TO TURN A MICROPHONE ON AND START TALKING???? I CAN HEAR YOU AS SOON AS YOU PRESS THE BUTTON!!!! EVERYONE IN 2 BUILDINGS CAN HEAR YOU EVERY TIME YOU PRESS THE BUTTON, SO IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT AT 2:30 IN THE FUCKING MORNING, THAT YOU GET A FUCKING CLUE AS TO WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY BEFORE YOU PRESS A BUTTON THAT BROADCASTS EVERY SOUND YOU MAKE, FROM CLEARING YOUR THROAT, TO NERVOUS INDECISION, TO SCRATCHING YOUR HEAD. UNLESS THIS IS AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY, AND YOUR DESK IS ON FIRE, THERE’S PRECIOUS LITTLE THAT I WILL ACCEPT AS AN EXCUSE FOR YOU NOT HAVING THE FOGGIEST IDEA HOW TO DO THIS SMALL PORTION OF YOUR JOB AFTER 5 LONG YEARS!! THE LEARNING CURVE FOR THIS PARTICULAR EXERCISE IS NOT THAT STEEP!! IT’S NOT THAT STEEP!!!! MUST YOU WAKE EVERY BABY IN THIS BUILDING???? FUCK!!!!!

Was that harsh? Should I dial it back? 😉

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

May 6, 2013

Robots Taking Over The World With Your Help

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Sadly, I’m old enough to vaguely remember when I had to get up off the couch to change the channel on the television set. Which possibly means that I’m part of the last generation of people who actually appreciate shit. The channel changing mechanism was actually on the television itself. You had to turn it. This was before we had cable. It sucked for the viewer. Pretty good times for the advertisers though. No changing the channel for a commercial. Unless you had boundless energy. You pretty much committed to a program, and channel surfing was really disruptive to anybody who happened to be in the room. Someone had to get up and block the view and turn this knob, which was not a soft intuitive touch knob. It made lots of noise. We had about 4 channels that came in good, and maybe 5 others that were blurry (which was acceptable if you wanted to watch something bad enough).

Then we got cable, and that came with a converter. Not only did we get way more channels, but it was easier to change them. This was a good thing! Technology made things better, and few could argue with this. Yeah, we got fatter! Yeah, we didn’t go outside as often, but we found that balance where entertainment was a lot more accessible, but not so instantly gratifying that we could just snap our fingers and get anything we want any time of the day like we seem to be able to do now. I could list off all of the amazing technological advances that have happened since my family first got cable, but….
a) it wouldn’t make for an interesting blog, and
b) 90% of my readers are better informed about them than I am (and one of the first and best pieces of advice regarding writing that I learned from one of my teachers is to ‘write what you know’, and I don’t know shit about technology, and I’m 300 words in and still haven’t gotten to the point.)

What I’m trying to say is, all of the technology that keeps coming out seems cool. Looks good. Smells good. Then why does my gut tell me that it’s not such a good thing in the long run? I mean, what harm could come of it? I’ll get back to this.

I’m constantly (I feel) blogging about grocery stores. I swear my life is way more interesting than that, but Monday has 2 things in common for me. I blog and do groceries. So if I start blogging about groceries, it can’t be helped sometimes. In a previous grocery store rant, I alluded to doing a future rant about the following topic….. “The Self Check Out”

The self check out seems convenient because it’s usually a ‘no-lineup’ situation. This is an opportunity to do a transaction without any human contact whatsoever. Believe me, that seems appealing to me some days as well. I don’t do it though…. Why?? Self checkouts, like a lot of other situations in our society right now is a way for companies to make more money while employing less human beings. Human beings (as flawed as they are) need jobs. It’s kind of selfish to support an initiative that is really only designed to take jobs away from people. That’s just my opinion (most people would say, but I say ‘it’s true, you’re all fucking selfish!!!!!!’…….OK wait… I was going to save the rage for the last paragraph….. let’s continue the calm buildup)

The car industry…. possibly my favourite example….. I’ve never been to a manufacturing plant, so I don’t know how much work machines are doing that humans used to do. A lot, I would imagine. I do know this though….. They are inventing cars that can parallel park for you. Parallel parking which is the final frontier of learning how to drive and passing a road test, and maybe the only tricky thing that we really have to learn which would make a driving test somewhat difficult (which it should be to allow the dimwitted public to operate lethal heavy machinery), has now been taken out of the mix. Again, there’s an argument to be made that this is a good thing, but I would make the argument that nothing is to be gained by taking responsibility away from people. Will we be grateful?? Nope, within 10 years, we will be indignant at the prospect of anything less. That’s how we roll! Our minds far less sharp than before…. our abilities to do things not being honed or tested to remain sharp. Perfect conditions for Robots to finally take over the world.

We keep making robots and computers, that are smarter, better and more capable. We give them all of our knowledge, but don’t pass on any of our disgusting traits and habits that make us ‘only human after all’. As long as they stay obedient we’re in good shape, living the good life (as long as we have one of the few jobs that will be left), having access to everything we’ve ever dreamed of. One day however, the robots will decide that serving an inferior being like humans will be a waste of their time, and they will colonize who’s left of us fat, weak-willed, un-skilled, wastes of flesh. This aint Hollywood either. There won’t be a small group of good-looking invincible humans that can save the world. It will go to shit, and we will go with it, smartphones in hand!

How do we stop this from happening?? Should we invent a car that can drive a drunk guy home? (You laugh, but that’s next, sure as in 1990 I wouldn’t have believed that I could carry my entire music collection around on a device smaller than my hand) Should we invent waste containers that can sense when you have garbage in your hands and automatically zoom over to you to catch your candy wrapper before it hits the ground? (We’ve already got a vacuum cleaner that moves around a room on its own). Should we invent more shit to make things easier???? NO YOU DUMMIES!!!!

We are selfish, lazy and stupid!! That is proven by human beings every single moment of every day. From the guy that butts in line at the bus stop, to the double parked car owners, to the corrupt bankers living the high life while the whole economy goes to shit, to every idiot politician coming out of the back room with his dick caught in his zipper, to religious radicals that harm people in the name of a religion that’s fundamentally against harming people, to the jerkoffs at the fast food lineup bitching because the food is taking too long (when it hasn’t even been 3 minutes….. honestly, what meal can you cook in under 3 minutes that you’re too impatient to wait that long. 3 minutes man!! Geezz!!).

We have absolutely no prayer against these robots, and we’re walking right into it. Maybe if we got off our asses and learned to do something instead of getting an app that does it for you…. or maybe if we stopped supporting institutions that take jobs away from actual human beings that need jobs….. or maybe if we learned how to parallel park a fucking car……. or taught our kids (who are far more adept at killing people in a video game than they are at spelling) to play outside…… or didn’t limit our thoughts about life to 140 characters……maybe, just maybe we could delay the inevitable. As things are currently moving, I don’t like our chances!

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 18, 2013

Travelaudacity

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So this post is supposed to be a travel rant. I just want to say this. I am loopy on cold medication. Oh I know… put that up there with the rest of the excuses for either writing a bad blog or wanting to get extreme credit for writing a good blog, like…..There’s something in my eye, my dog keeps humping my leg, I’m stuck in a snow bank, too many creditors are calling my home at once, I have plantar fasciitis, my coffee maker is broken, I have writer’s block, I don’t speak English, I’m at work, my humidifier is making the room to humid, I’m drunk, my Ipod keeps playing the Pet Shop Boys, my baby is drooling on my face, last night’s pork was overcooked, they might have used asbestos during the construction of my parent’s house, I have emotional problems, there’s a jolly rancher stuck to the couch cushion, I have kidney stones, my life sucks and I’m too depressed to write, my life’s amazing and now I have nothing compelling to write about, I have a stain on my new shirt, I’m being held back in life because my pre-school teacher never believed in me, I have a hang nail on the ring finger equivalent of my toes, I wanna go outside and play, the gym that I’ve never been to wants me to come in for a fitness assessment….. today!!!!!! All this and I still managed to get a blog off??? That’s damn near heroic!! OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

Travelaudacity is supposed to be like travelocity, but since I’m trying to tell you bad things about travelling, I put audacity instead of ocity, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d get it, so I’m explaining it, but then if I have to explain it, it probably wasn’t worth saying, but if it was worth saying, and you did get the ‘wordplay’, then I’ve probably completely ruined it by explaining it, and I should have just shown confidence in it (because I have this thing about combining two concepts in the same word like “Blintrog” which was the first blog I ever wrote, and it was like an Intro and a Blog, but I combined the two to make Blintrog… get it???), but I don’t know if this concept was strong enough, and I feel insecure about it, and when I’m insecure, I overexplain. NOT TO MENTION when I looked up the spelling of audacity, I noticed that one of the definitions was the willingness to take bold risks which is actually a pretty cool personality trait, but I of course was referring to the definition that indicated rude or disrespectful behaviour, just in case you weren’t 100% clear about what Travelaudacity was supposed to be about. OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

I had to fly on Delta Airlines last week. I wanted to bring a bag. A real bag, like luggage. Not just a carry-on. Not a full-on suitcase disguised as a carry-on either which (if I didn’t just say it in a recent blog) is the most obnoxious thing going. I wanted to check a bag. This costs $25. I know it used to be free back in the day, but that’s not my rant. (Although it could be my rant because if they didn’t charge $25, then more people would check their bags, and then they wouldn’t stuff them into overhead compartments, and then dislodge a plastic thingy when they tried to get it out, and nearly poke my friggin eye out). I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that when you pay $25 to check a bag with Delta, they give you what’s called an ‘excessive baggage’ ticket. I was gone for 5 (turned into 7 because of snow storm) days, and I brought one suitcase. I don’t think that is ‘excessive’. If I brought 4 suitcases, then you can give me an excessive baggage ticket, but one suitcase for a 5 days??? Not excessive. I would say it’s the ‘appropriate baggage’. I would have liked to get an ‘appropriate baggage’ ticket from Delta.

Have you ever booked travel and noticed that a connecting flight is generally cheaper than a direct flight? I’ve had this explained to me by numerous people and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m no genius!! Argue it all you want…..(No seriously I’d love to have the argument with you where you try to convince me that I’m a genius, and I humbly try to talk you down like ‘no no… not a genius…’ please, can we do that argument next time I see you?) but I do know a tiny bit about business. I’m not going to oversell how much I know about it, but most of my adult life, I’ve been involved in business on some level with varying degrees of success peppered with wildly high levels of failure. All that being said, HOW THE FUCK CAN RIDING ON 2 AIRPLANES BE CHEAPER THAN RIDING ON 1 AIRPLANE???? There are roughly double the costs. Double the employees, double the fuel, double the mechanics making sure it’s running smoothly, double the flight attendants, double the bits and bites, double the pilots, double the guys that take our ‘excessive baggage’ from one plane and put it on another. There’s no way you can tell me that the costs of having me take a connecting flight is cheaper than me taking a direct flight (when one is available). I think that’s why some of these airlines are struggling. They fail to comprehend the basic mathematics behind their business. They should be encouraging people to take direct flights!! Do you know how much time and energy they waste on re-booking passengers that miss their connectors?? The stupidity of it all amazes me continuously.

Happy Travels!

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 7, 2012

Olympinions

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m as much of a sucker for the Olympics as I previously blogged about being for Disney!  Maybe more-so.  This is my chance to avidly follow people I don’t know playing sports I’ve never watched before, and do so passionately.  I practically threw the converter in heartbreak when the Canadian women’s soccer team lost to the U.S. today.  It’s the first women’s soccer game I’ve ever watched.  I like the idea that people have spent their entire lives preparing for a moment that in some cases lasts under a minute.  Not saying I’d do it……but I will happily watch someone else do it.  It’s inspiring.  There are a lot of emotional moments.  I ‘almost cry’ a lot during the Olympics.  Shut up man… you probably do too!!

Like anything in this world worth watching, the Olympics aren’t perfect.  There’s always some crazy controversy surrounding some of the events.  I have opinions on some of these matters, but I’m going to steer this blog toward some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last week while watching the Olympics.

In no particular order…….(Some of this may be wildly inaccurate)

– I feel bad for the badminton teams that got kicked out because they tried to throw the match.  A lot of times it’s the coaches, and powers that be that make these decisions to do something dumb like throw a match.  The athletes are the ones that pay the price.  I feel this way about steroids as well, and don’t give me the business about the ‘athlete should just say no’.  It doesn’t always work that way.

– I think there are too many swimming medals.  I’m not trying to say that Michael Phelps isn’t the greatest Olympian ever, but other sports don’t award like 5 or 6 medals for doing the same thing (just at different distances).  A Judo guy can only win one medal, so can a basketball team.  They have to play a lot of matches to get there.  If you’re the fastest swimmer in the world and you know a few different strokes, there’s no shortage of medal possibilities.  I find it anti-climactic to see a swimmer not win a medal, but then get 5 more shots at it.

– I had a friend suggest to me last night that there should be retractable diving boards so divers wouldn’t hit their heads.  I agree with this.  I don’t like hearing about divers hitting their heads on the board.  It’s dangerous.  I know that’s part of the sport and it adds to the level of difficulty, but safety should come first.  Everybody wants professional football and hockey to lower their concussion rate….. why not diving.  If they can make an Ipod smaller than a Triscuit, then someone could invent the retractable diving board.

– Some dude threw a plastic bottle onto the track just before the 100 metre sprint finals.  Apparently he’s gone to court and plead not-guilty.  Here’s the thing……How much of a jackass do you have to be to spend the money to go to the Olympics (which I’m sure isn’t the easiest to get tickets for, especially the 100 metre final), and think that it’s a good idea to throw something onto the track like you’re the show that everyone came to see?  Like somehow, with your graceful throwing of the water bottle you could somehow upstage (arguably) the most anticipated event in the entire games?  Big time jackass is the answer I’m looking for.  Will he get a fine?  Prison time?  I don’t know, but I’m a firm believer in ironic punishments.  Since this guy wants to be the show, I think they should string him up naked (as well as some of his closest friends, because the only reason you throw a bottle at a track meet is for a story to tell your friends, and if he has the type of friends that would be impressed by such a story, then they deserve to be punished as well) in front of the entire crowd at the 4X100 relay finals, and invite all the finalists from the 100 meter to come out with a bucket of empty bottles.  Set the timer for 10 minutes and let these sprinters throw the bottles at their idiotic naked bodies from point blank range for 10 straight minutes while the crowd enjoys what I call Olympic Spirit, and Ironic Justice!!

Those are my Olympinions.  What are yours?

 

 

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

June 4, 2012

The popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and before you read too far, this is not about popcorn kernels being stuck in my teeth only to be found and removed professionally.  It’s more a metaphor for minor annoyances that have been accumulating in my brain (plaguing my existence).  Probably not worth logging on to Facebook or Twitter to update my status (no, I don’t have those apps for my phone…… I don’t have any apps for my phone…… I keep thinking if I ignore technology long enough, it will go back to the way it was……. no??…… not happening??…….it’s just gonna get worse???…..damn..).  I was hoping if I had enough random thoughts, that the whole could be greater than the sum of its parts since I really didn’t think of a humdinger of a topic to stick with for the entire blog.

So I awoke this morning and decided it was time to reach back in the closet and pull out my funniest tee-shirt.  It’s a picture of a gingerbread man with a broken leg.  The caption says “Oh Snap!”  I giggled like a 12-year-old girl when I bought it.  The punchline is funny enough but you have to see the look of concern on his little face.  He knows there’s no surgery that’s bringing that leg back, but while enduring the most horrible physical pain he’s ever gone through, he has the levity to deliver a quality tee-shirt punchline.  How could my day be anything short of amazing now.  I did some background research for this paragraph (to make sure it wasn’t from a movie or something) and apparently the “Oh Snap” Gingerbread man makes an appearance on coffee mugs.  One of the sites I googled referred to this as ‘Cookie Humor’, a concept I was unaware of, but now find myself curious about.  Just off the top of my head, if I had to come up with ‘Cookie Humor’ tee-shirts I would start with a picture of Chewbacca with a bunch of brown spots all over him and call it ‘Chocolate Chip Wookies’.  (Shazzzammmmm….. I know I shouldn’t celebrate my jokes, but c’mon, that shit was gold)

Moving along to the rants…….

I hate it when the chick at the drive thru takes your order, and is waiting for you when you arrive at the window, and then acts annoyed that you don’t have your money ready yet.  “Bitch, I was driving!!”………

I got this one from a buddy.  Union Station in Toronto was flooded the other day due to heavy rains, and my friend saw a guy berating a transit employee because ‘This is Toronto, and it’s unacceptable!!’, as if the guy made it rain and is now really happy about standing knee-deep in it trying to clean up.  Lighten up jerk off!………

Body odor on the bus is my next thing.  I talk about this all the time.  I’m ok with the old man who pissed himself.  It smells, but he’s old, and sometimes when your old, you have to piss yourself, and it’s terrible, but I don’t judge.  I’m ok with the homeless people who smell.  I hate being around it, but I understand that when you’re homeless, B.O. is the least of your worries, so I tolerate it.  However, when I see a guy who I know has a job and a home, and he smells because he doesn’t shower often enough or wear deodorant, and I’m stuck with him on the bus???  It drives me nuts.  deodorant $5.  Axe Spray $5, FANCY Soap $5, Regular Soap way less, not ruining my friggin bus ride to work????  Priceless……….

Even though I’m so quick to complain about people, I don’t come from a family of malcontents, so when I hear my father make fun of someone I LOVE it because he’s such a nice guy, and it’s just not in his nature.  This is for all you golfers out there with more money than brains.  We love waiting behind you at the first tee watching you brag about all your golf equipment, decked out in the finest golf apparel, opening the new package of balls which promises more distance on your drives.  Then given a choice of 4 tees, you pick the championship tournament tees at the back to hit from because your such a hero, then we watch you duff your first shot a pissy 30 yards into the bushes.  Satisfying!  Get lessons dummy!

🙂

 

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

April 24, 2012

Who gets to use HOV Lanes??

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I wait in lines.

For groceries, the bank, the bus….. you name it, I wait.  Patiently.  I don’t try to sneak in front of anyone, or manipulate the line in any way.  When my turn comes, it comes.  I give dirty looks to those that try to interrupt the natural progression of the line for their own gain or convenience.  I get the urge to hit people who don’t ‘fall in’.  To this point I’ve always fought that urge successfully, I just quietly stew.  The line is one of the only perfect things in our society.  First come, first serve.  In an unfair life, a well executed line is fair.  Getting in line is always a choice.  If the line is too long, you usually have the option to not get in.  Don’t mistake me for someone who likes to wait, because I’m in as much of a hurry as anybody.  I respect the line though.

One day I’m on the highway with a friend of mine.  He’s driving.  He looks over at me and says “Finally, I get to use the HOV Lane”, and steers the car into the far left lane.  He starts shooting past the other traffic with enthusiastic efficiency.

I had seen these new lanes popping up around on the highways, but didn’t really know what they were there for, or who was able to use them.  Upon further research I found out who was able to use them.  Everybody but me!

This goes against the system we had before which was an imperfect version of the ‘line’ system.  It operates exactly like a line, except there are a lot of cases where there are multiple lanes.  We tried to adapt.  Faster traffic to the left, slower to the right.  The system is perfect, but humans usually find a way to screw it up.  I can live with this.  What I don’t like is the fact that the government has invented the equivalent of a night club V.I.P. entrance on their roads.  While some poor suckers have to line up, the big-shots get to by-pass the line and get in quicker.

Who gets in?  Vehicles with 2 or more people, emergency vehicles, busses, limos, taxis….. Everybody but me!

This means anybody not travelling alone including circus clowns, dodgeball teams, wookies, mad scientists, serial killers, aliens, clarinet players, 16 year olds, trekkies, mortgage brokers, opium farmers, superhero alter-egos…… Everybody but me!!

I’m already driving alone in the car with nobody to keep me company, and drivers that are accompanied by companions get to bypass the traffic?  They don’t get as bored if they’re stuck in traffic!!  Allow me to continue though.  Ninjas, vegans, rock stars, brain surgeons, zombies, gangsters, pool boys, mascots….Everybody but me!!

The line was the perfect system.  If there were problems with traffic, it was due to bad drivers, inclement weather, and construction.  It was never the line system.  This new arrangement will be considered acceptable though, if you are 2 or more of the following.  Computer geeks, stamp collectors, astronauts, monkeys that look like humans, bakers, personal assistants, wedding parties, steroid users, porn stars, tourists, celery eaters, murder detectives……

Everybody but me.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Uncategorized