Category Archives: Rants

May 6, 2013

Robots Taking Over The World With Your Help

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Sadly, I’m old enough to vaguely remember when I had to get up off the couch to change the channel on the television set. Which possibly means that I’m part of the last generation of people who actually appreciate shit. The channel changing mechanism was actually on the television itself. You had to turn it. This was before we had cable. It sucked for the viewer. Pretty good times for the advertisers though. No changing the channel for a commercial. Unless you had boundless energy. You pretty much committed to a program, and channel surfing was really disruptive to anybody who happened to be in the room. Someone had to get up and block the view and turn this knob, which was not a soft intuitive touch knob. It made lots of noise. We had about 4 channels that came in good, and maybe 5 others that were blurry (which was acceptable if you wanted to watch something bad enough).

Then we got cable, and that came with a converter. Not only did we get way more channels, but it was easier to change them. This was a good thing! Technology made things better, and few could argue with this. Yeah, we got fatter! Yeah, we didn’t go outside as often, but we found that balance where entertainment was a lot more accessible, but not so instantly gratifying that we could just snap our fingers and get anything we want any time of the day like we seem to be able to do now. I could list off all of the amazing technological advances that have happened since my family first got cable, but….
a) it wouldn’t make for an interesting blog, and
b) 90% of my readers are better informed about them than I am (and one of the first and best pieces of advice regarding writing that I learned from one of my teachers is to ‘write what you know’, and I don’t know shit about technology, and I’m 300 words in and still haven’t gotten to the point.)

What I’m trying to say is, all of the technology that keeps coming out seems cool. Looks good. Smells good. Then why does my gut tell me that it’s not such a good thing in the long run? I mean, what harm could come of it? I’ll get back to this.

I’m constantly (I feel) blogging about grocery stores. I swear my life is way more interesting than that, but Monday has 2 things in common for me. I blog and do groceries. So if I start blogging about groceries, it can’t be helped sometimes. In a previous grocery store rant, I alluded to doing a future rant about the following topic….. “The Self Check Out”

The self check out seems convenient because it’s usually a ‘no-lineup’ situation. This is an opportunity to do a transaction without any human contact whatsoever. Believe me, that seems appealing to me some days as well. I don’t do it though…. Why?? Self checkouts, like a lot of other situations in our society right now is a way for companies to make more money while employing less human beings. Human beings (as flawed as they are) need jobs. It’s kind of selfish to support an initiative that is really only designed to take jobs away from people. That’s just my opinion (most people would say, but I say ‘it’s true, you’re all fucking selfish!!!!!!’…….OK wait… I was going to save the rage for the last paragraph….. let’s continue the calm buildup)

The car industry…. possibly my favourite example….. I’ve never been to a manufacturing plant, so I don’t know how much work machines are doing that humans used to do. A lot, I would imagine. I do know this though….. They are inventing cars that can parallel park for you. Parallel parking which is the final frontier of learning how to drive and passing a road test, and maybe the only tricky thing that we really have to learn which would make a driving test somewhat difficult (which it should be to allow the dimwitted public to operate lethal heavy machinery), has now been taken out of the mix. Again, there’s an argument to be made that this is a good thing, but I would make the argument that nothing is to be gained by taking responsibility away from people. Will we be grateful?? Nope, within 10 years, we will be indignant at the prospect of anything less. That’s how we roll! Our minds far less sharp than before…. our abilities to do things not being honed or tested to remain sharp. Perfect conditions for Robots to finally take over the world.

We keep making robots and computers, that are smarter, better and more capable. We give them all of our knowledge, but don’t pass on any of our disgusting traits and habits that make us ‘only human after all’. As long as they stay obedient we’re in good shape, living the good life (as long as we have one of the few jobs that will be left), having access to everything we’ve ever dreamed of. One day however, the robots will decide that serving an inferior being like humans will be a waste of their time, and they will colonize who’s left of us fat, weak-willed, un-skilled, wastes of flesh. This aint Hollywood either. There won’t be a small group of good-looking invincible humans that can save the world. It will go to shit, and we will go with it, smartphones in hand!

How do we stop this from happening?? Should we invent a car that can drive a drunk guy home? (You laugh, but that’s next, sure as in 1990 I wouldn’t have believed that I could carry my entire music collection around on a device smaller than my hand) Should we invent waste containers that can sense when you have garbage in your hands and automatically zoom over to you to catch your candy wrapper before it hits the ground? (We’ve already got a vacuum cleaner that moves around a room on its own). Should we invent more shit to make things easier???? NO YOU DUMMIES!!!!

We are selfish, lazy and stupid!! That is proven by human beings every single moment of every day. From the guy that butts in line at the bus stop, to the double parked car owners, to the corrupt bankers living the high life while the whole economy goes to shit, to every idiot politician coming out of the back room with his dick caught in his zipper, to religious radicals that harm people in the name of a religion that’s fundamentally against harming people, to the jerkoffs at the fast food lineup bitching because the food is taking too long (when it hasn’t even been 3 minutes….. honestly, what meal can you cook in under 3 minutes that you’re too impatient to wait that long. 3 minutes man!! Geezz!!).

We have absolutely no prayer against these robots, and we’re walking right into it. Maybe if we got off our asses and learned to do something instead of getting an app that does it for you…. or maybe if we stopped supporting institutions that take jobs away from actual human beings that need jobs….. or maybe if we learned how to parallel park a fucking car……. or taught our kids (who are far more adept at killing people in a video game than they are at spelling) to play outside…… or didn’t limit our thoughts about life to 140 characters……maybe, just maybe we could delay the inevitable. As things are currently moving, I don’t like our chances!

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

March 11, 2013

The Great Maple Syrup Heist, And Other Lows

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

A few months ago I read a news story that indicated 3 people in Quebec had been arrested for stealing 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup. How cliché is that? I had a blast wondering what the rest of the world must be thinking of us right now. ‘Oh those fucking Canadians are at it again!’ They are having a laugh for sure.

For those that don’t live in Canada, and don’t know about Canada, you probably have this wonderful vision of a peaceful place with snowshoes, igloos, hockey, bacon, beavers, free healthcare, and of course….. Maple Syrup. If you’re hearing this story, you probably now think that a wild Canadian crime spree involves us trying to steal copious amounts of Maple Syrup from each other. Have you ever been to a Canadian themed gift shop in another country?? All they sell is ‘Roots’ apparel and Maple Syrup. I’m embarrassed, but not totally……

There is something behind the whole Maple Syrup thing with Canada. I come from a long line of Canadians who went to great lengths to make sure that the fridge was always fully, and properly stocked with Maple Syrup. At any one time, my father and grandfather would have had enough Maple Syrup between them to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool. I mean heaven forbid we were ever in a vulnerable state of potentially running out, and never ever would any member of my family ‘settle’ for the bottle of liquid sugar commonly known as ‘table syrup’. I mean god love Aunt Jemima and Mrs Butterworth equally, but that wasn’t going to cut it. Not for this Canadian family!! The shit had to come out of a tap directly from a tree or else forget it. Is that Canadian enough for you??

I don’t have a problem with Maple Syrup being a symbol of Canadians. After all, grits are a symbol of Americans from the South, and I’m sure both groups of people have aspects to their collective personality that are way more fascinating than what they eat for breakfast…… but if I found out someone in Georgia organized the theft of 2.7 million dollars worth of Grits, I’d have a field day! I’d damn near shit my pants laughing, and I wouldn’t just judge the people who did it. I’d quietly assume that all Southerners were a bunch of Grit thieves and I’d laugh my friggin ass off for hours just thinking about it. THAT is why I’m not too impressed with the Quebecers that decided to steal the Maple Syrup. Somebody out there is killing themselves laughing at this, and lumping me right in there with the Syrup thieves. Anybody out there that thinks I shouldn’t feel like this is a reflection on me, please understand this…… We win as a team and we lose as a team! If you’re Canadian and you feel a sense of national pride because a bunch of hockey players won a gold medal in the Olympics, then you should feel a sense of national shame when Syrup thieves make us look like idiots!

I mean if you’re gonna steal something like diamonds or gold or money or electronics, I don’t necessarily approve of theft, but at least it’s proper criminal activity. I don’t even know what to call this. It’s a joke. It’s just as bad as…….

– Stealing 2.7 million worth of hockey sticks
– Abducting 2.7 million worth of beavers
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of winter boots
– Stealing 2.7 million worth of snow tires
– Abducting enough pigs to slaughter and get 2.7 million worth of back bacon!

You understand, you fucking Maple Syrup thieves???? You’re turning us into the laughing-stock of the world. I don’t appreciate it. I can think of so many other things I’d rather be laughed at for. Furthermore, what were you going to do with that much Maple Syrup anyways??? Consume it? Sell it? Who wouldn’t notice you selling 2.7 million dollars worth of Maple Syrup?? What store would purchase 2.7 million dollars of Maple Syrup that ‘fell off the back of the truck’ for re-sale? You’re an embarrassment to Canadians everywhere! In fact, you’re an embarrassment to criminals everywhere! I hope you spend your life in prison eating prison pancakes and table syrup.

16 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

March 4, 2013

The Chain Always Stops Here

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I remember sitting in my friend’s car. It was a 1983 Pontiac Acadian. One of the last cars I ever saw that didn’t have ‘power steering’. For those of you young enough to take that for granted, you used to get quite an arm workout from driving if you didn’t have power steering. Now all cars have it, and some will do all the tricky driving for you, it’s pathetic….don’t get me started. This car (this is off topic but worth mentioning) had a sound system that cost the owner more than the actual car. What can I say…. It was the 90s. Baby Blue with a black racing stripe, and tinted windows. This car was all dressed up with nowhere to go. We were sitting in it listening to Hip Hop because it was my obsession at the time, and sounded so damn good in a car like that. You had to listen to loud music in this car. It served almost no other purpose.

We were driving along when I noticed a piece of folded up paper stuffed under the windshield wiper blade. I rolled down my window and reached out to grab it. I told my friend about it, and opened it up to read to him. He quickly yanked it out of my hand, threw it out of his window, and kept driving. I paused for a moment with my mouth wide open in amazement. “Chain Letter”, he said and kept driving.

I didn’t know what a chain letter was at the time. He explained it to me, and spoke of the dire consequences of reading a chain letter, and then not following the instructions at the bottom, which often included writing 10 other chain letters. Kids…. in 1993, that sucked way worse than it would now. It wasn’t just a matter of hitting forward, and dropping 10 names from your address book. You had to write those fuckers out. I now understood why my friend was so quick to throw out that letter (even though it could have been some girl who had a crush on him, or a letter from another driver indicating that they had nicked his vehicle in a parking lot). He knew if he read it, he was bound by those terms.

20 years later, I received a Blogger’s equivalent of a chain letter. A blogger nominated award! This one is called the Liebster Blog Award. I’ve seen these around, and only after doing some research did I understand what it was. This one comes with some terms and conditions. You first of all have to shout out the nominator, which I’m happy to do. Then you have to post the award on your site (which I don’t even know how to do…. I guess you just copy and paste?? I suck at this stuff). Then you have to answer 11 questions about yourself (which is an opportunity in itself, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed how much I’ve been reaching on my topics lately, but I have NO new ideas.) Then you have to nominate 11 more bloggers to receive this award. If everyone did this, absolutely everyone would have about 15 of these. Not super meaningful, BUT………

I believe my nominator had pure intentions (and did not mean it as a chain letter), so I’ll play along. Her name is Ashley, and you can read her blog http://everythingisblooming.wordpress.com. She seems like a very sweet 20 something girl from Wisconsin who plays the violin, and writes some pretty funny stuff. She often takes pages from her diary from when she was a teenager, and writes it out, and then criticizes herself as the older, wiser Ashley. Pretty ballsy, but funny! I wouldn’t have the courage to let you know what I was thinking as a teenager. It would be completely inappropriate. I can barely behave now.

I should mention that I had previously been nominated for something as well. If that person is still a reader of mine, I apologize for not acknowledging whatever that was. I thought it was spam. Maybe when I have more time, I’ll go back and find out who that was.

I will also answer all of Ashley’s questions! This is amazing actually, because I had nothing to write about, and now I do. Although, I normally like to give opinions about things other than myself, I guess I can open up a bit and tell you about me. You should know that Ashley was born on February 29th, so she didn’t have a birthday this year. If you go to her page, wish her a happy birthday (next time there’s a leap year 😉 Ha). Here are my answers….

1. What would you spend your last $50 on?
I’ve spent my last $50 more times than I care to admit publicly. My close friends know this is true. It was often on beer and chicken wings.

2. Favorite fashion accessory?
Used to be a watch, but my wrist has this horrible allergy to (nickel maybe??) and I can’t wear them anymore. I love hats, but my head is friggin enormous. It’s not that noticeable until I try on hats. They’re too small. I don’t know if shoes count, but I have a lot of shoes for a guy. I always wear a belt. It always matches. If my socks/shoes/belt combo isn’t right, I feel completely naked and vulnerable. Now you know more than you wished.

3. If you were a character on The Simpsons, who would you be?
Tough call because those characters are all so pigeon holed, Krusty the Clown?

4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
I have a few of them, but spaghetti is the one thing I’m good at making myself.

5. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I would like to go to the Montreaux Jazz festival in Switzerland.

6. Do you prefer to work out in the gym, at home, or outdoors; what do you love about it?
Hate working out. What a weird question. So assumptive. However, my favourite form of exercise is playing basketball.

OH MY GOD!!!! I just realized that I’m answering the wrong questions. These were the questions that Ashley answered when she got her award, not the ones she asked….. Ughhhhh… I have to start over, but I won’t delete what I’ve already done. Consider those bonus questions. Dammit!

1.Are you a dog or cat person? Why?
If I have to choose, it’s dog because they’re usually friendly, and I like their attitude. Cats are just too smug. Not a huge fan of either

2.Growing up, what was your favorite cartoon?
Ren & Stimpy. When I watch it now, it doesn’t hold up the same, but I thought that was hilarious!! Ironically a dog and cat cartoon. Maybe I do like them.

3.If you could meet one fictional character, who would it be?
I would love to get drunk and smoke cigars with Bunk from The Wire

4.What is one of your guilty pleasures?
I’m really into Fleetwood Mac right now. I’m not sure if I need to feel guilty about that or not, but I would say it in hushed tones around certain people.

5.You’re forced to relocate immediately; Where would you choose to live?
I would probably just move somewhere that was as close to Toronto as I would be allowed under the conditions of the relocation. Too many family and friends. New York City if you really made me choose.

6.Marry, Boff, Kill: Your first, second, and third romantic partners.
Wow… personal…. Uhhh define romantic partners??? OK never mind, it’s hypothetical (my wife reads this!!!!!My mom reads this!!!!!). I’ll go with the 3 romantic partners that I’ve had lasting (over 2 yrs) relationships with. I’ll call them 1, 2 and 3 (chronological order). I’d probably kill 1 since I haven’t seen or heard from her in 15 years, boff 2 since I’d feel bad killing her, and marry 3 since I’ve already done so, and have no regrets about it. (That’s not to say that I wouldn’t feel bad killing 1…….this is a weird marry, boff, kill scenario… aren’t you just supposed to do that with people you haven’t already been with???)

7.What was your first car?
1988 Chevrolet Celebrity. I could write an entire blog about that piece of shit. Perhaps I will someday.

8.What’s your homepage?
I don’t even know how to change my homepage. Google.ca right now.

9.Name two things other than your phone or computer you couldn’t live without.
My music collection (iPod if it’s just one thing), and my bed I guess.

10.What is your favorite dessert?
Creme Brule

11.What are you currently obsessed with?
Many things. My Toronto Blue Jays pop into mind. Sooo excited about the upcoming baseball season. Go Jays!

So, those are my answers!!! The chain ends here though! Thank you Ashley for thinking of me. I won’t be posting the award or sending this to 11 people, but I had great fun with the topic anyways. The people I would send it to are all great writers, and I’m sure have an online trophy case full of these already!

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 18, 2013

Travelaudacity

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So this post is supposed to be a travel rant. I just want to say this. I am loopy on cold medication. Oh I know… put that up there with the rest of the excuses for either writing a bad blog or wanting to get extreme credit for writing a good blog, like…..There’s something in my eye, my dog keeps humping my leg, I’m stuck in a snow bank, too many creditors are calling my home at once, I have plantar fasciitis, my coffee maker is broken, I have writer’s block, I don’t speak English, I’m at work, my humidifier is making the room to humid, I’m drunk, my Ipod keeps playing the Pet Shop Boys, my baby is drooling on my face, last night’s pork was overcooked, they might have used asbestos during the construction of my parent’s house, I have emotional problems, there’s a jolly rancher stuck to the couch cushion, I have kidney stones, my life sucks and I’m too depressed to write, my life’s amazing and now I have nothing compelling to write about, I have a stain on my new shirt, I’m being held back in life because my pre-school teacher never believed in me, I have a hang nail on the ring finger equivalent of my toes, I wanna go outside and play, the gym that I’ve never been to wants me to come in for a fitness assessment….. today!!!!!! All this and I still managed to get a blog off??? That’s damn near heroic!! OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

Travelaudacity is supposed to be like travelocity, but since I’m trying to tell you bad things about travelling, I put audacity instead of ocity, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d get it, so I’m explaining it, but then if I have to explain it, it probably wasn’t worth saying, but if it was worth saying, and you did get the ‘wordplay’, then I’ve probably completely ruined it by explaining it, and I should have just shown confidence in it (because I have this thing about combining two concepts in the same word like “Blintrog” which was the first blog I ever wrote, and it was like an Intro and a Blog, but I combined the two to make Blintrog… get it???), but I don’t know if this concept was strong enough, and I feel insecure about it, and when I’m insecure, I overexplain. NOT TO MENTION when I looked up the spelling of audacity, I noticed that one of the definitions was the willingness to take bold risks which is actually a pretty cool personality trait, but I of course was referring to the definition that indicated rude or disrespectful behaviour, just in case you weren’t 100% clear about what Travelaudacity was supposed to be about. OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

I had to fly on Delta Airlines last week. I wanted to bring a bag. A real bag, like luggage. Not just a carry-on. Not a full-on suitcase disguised as a carry-on either which (if I didn’t just say it in a recent blog) is the most obnoxious thing going. I wanted to check a bag. This costs $25. I know it used to be free back in the day, but that’s not my rant. (Although it could be my rant because if they didn’t charge $25, then more people would check their bags, and then they wouldn’t stuff them into overhead compartments, and then dislodge a plastic thingy when they tried to get it out, and nearly poke my friggin eye out). I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that when you pay $25 to check a bag with Delta, they give you what’s called an ‘excessive baggage’ ticket. I was gone for 5 (turned into 7 because of snow storm) days, and I brought one suitcase. I don’t think that is ‘excessive’. If I brought 4 suitcases, then you can give me an excessive baggage ticket, but one suitcase for a 5 days??? Not excessive. I would say it’s the ‘appropriate baggage’. I would have liked to get an ‘appropriate baggage’ ticket from Delta.

Have you ever booked travel and noticed that a connecting flight is generally cheaper than a direct flight? I’ve had this explained to me by numerous people and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m no genius!! Argue it all you want…..(No seriously I’d love to have the argument with you where you try to convince me that I’m a genius, and I humbly try to talk you down like ‘no no… not a genius…’ please, can we do that argument next time I see you?) but I do know a tiny bit about business. I’m not going to oversell how much I know about it, but most of my adult life, I’ve been involved in business on some level with varying degrees of success peppered with wildly high levels of failure. All that being said, HOW THE FUCK CAN RIDING ON 2 AIRPLANES BE CHEAPER THAN RIDING ON 1 AIRPLANE???? There are roughly double the costs. Double the employees, double the fuel, double the mechanics making sure it’s running smoothly, double the flight attendants, double the bits and bites, double the pilots, double the guys that take our ‘excessive baggage’ from one plane and put it on another. There’s no way you can tell me that the costs of having me take a connecting flight is cheaper than me taking a direct flight (when one is available). I think that’s why some of these airlines are struggling. They fail to comprehend the basic mathematics behind their business. They should be encouraging people to take direct flights!! Do you know how much time and energy they waste on re-booking passengers that miss their connectors?? The stupidity of it all amazes me continuously.

Happy Travels!

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 12, 2013

The Sad Demise of Record Stores

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I sometimes feel that it’s difficult to explain my obsession for music to people. If you share this obsession, then I don’t need to explain. If you don’t share this obsession, then you’ll never understand anyways.

On December 31st 1983 I heard my first ‘year end countdown’. Quite by accident. I used to love watching music videos on TV with my sister. I remember listening to ‘hit radio’ all the time. They had a weekly top 30 which they published in the paper every Thursday (how do I still remember that?). They had a Top 7 at 7pm (determined by fan voting) which I used to listen to while washing dishes or up in my bedroom lip syncing in front of the mirror (I should also mention that I used to call in to this station to request songs and try to ‘influence’ the results of the Top 7). I had a love of statistics as they pertained to sports and music. I loved charts and countdowns! So when I turned on the radio and found out that they had a countdown for the entire year, I just about lost my friggin mind. The top 83 of 83. 1050 CHUM was the station in Toronto (who heartbreakingly switched to an oldies format a couple of years later). I was 9. Michael Jackson, Duran Duran and Culture Club were the hottest things in pop music at the time. I listened to, attempted to predict, and wrote down the results of this entire countdown. ‘Every Breath You Take’ by the Police was #1. All I wanted was records for Christmas. Records or Baseball Cards. You didn’t need to go to any special store to get something for me. K-Mart did the trick. I listened to pop music, and compilation albums were the best gift idea. K-Tel used to make them. Like ‘Rock 83’, ‘Rock 84’, Rock 85’…. well you get it.

When I started high school I became obsessed with Hip Hop music. I used to deliver newspapers with a cassette tape of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince in my walkman. I dropped that walkman so many times. The cover was broken, the batteries were drained. I would still listen to it even if it didn’t play at the proper speed. The Fresh Prince later became a big movie star, and was something of a gateway drug for me to get into harder stuff like Public Enemy and N.W.A. I eventually settled on a more mellow mix of De La Soul and A Tribe Called Quest. Now that I was old enough to make my own money, my first stop was always the record store. I would go to any record store, but due to a more specific tastes, I liked to go to the more urban style record shops where the DJs would go. Always wanting to have the newest and freshest music. I remember there was one in my neighborhood that was walking distance which was perfect since I didn’t have a car. On Thursdays I would watch Muchmusic’s version of ‘Rapcity’, and as soon as it was over (if I had money) I would jet over there to see if they had that new song that I’d just heard. All of those stores I used to shop at for Hip Hop records are closed.

As I got older and my tastes in music started to diversify a little more, I used to love going to a little place called ‘Peter Dunn’s Vinyl Museum’. This place sold vinyl at a time when records had pretty much been phased out. This was a place where you could literally dig through the crates and try to find some magic. It spanned all genres and time. Not only was the music diverse and sometimes obscure, but you could look at all of those crazy album covers which was awesome in its own right. Did you know that Lisa Whelchel (Blair from ‘Facts of Life’) had an album in the 80s (and upon further research was nominated for a grammy)? Did you know that all of the ‘Pointer Sisters’ had solo projects?? These are the crazy things I learned at Peter Dunn’s. They closed down a few years back. I believe there’s a Karate school there now.

Every trip to the shopping mall for me is still highlighted by a trip to the music store (HMV being my favourite). I now will listen to just about everything from RnB/Soul to Alternative or Classic Rock. From Jazz to Hip Hop. I can’t forget the 80s and the songs I used to listen to on 1050 Chum. I do have an iPod and I buy quite a bit of my music digitally, but I still love to wander through record stores, both old and new. I love the smell of dust that only a creepy, musty old record store could have just as much as the smell of plastic packaging that only a newer music store has, and I love them equally.

I guess the only thing I don’t love is the theft of music. People look at me and say ‘Dude….why would you pay for music when you can just download it for free?’ I don’t know! By that rationale, why would you pay for food? Why don’t you just go into a grocery store, fill up the cart, and just walk out? They don’t check receipts at the door! Or better still, why don’t you go to a farm, hop the fence, and start stealing crops? Hopefully, it’s because you know it’s wrong. I don’t see any difference between that and music piracy. No difference between that and looting. No difference between that and sheer fucking anarchy.

As much as I love the instant gratification of getting music online, I kind of miss the hassle of going to the record store. It was an event… a mission!! I devoted days, weeks, perhaps months of my life to this. There was something about the anticipation, and either the fulfillment or disappointment of acquiring music. As the world goes digital, I hope some of these stores can win this losing battle. I for sure will miss this terribly, and I don’t think I’m alone.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 5, 2013

Stuff I Thought Of To Say Today

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

For the second straight week I’m out of the country. Still bringing you the bloggiest ideas that are rattling around in my little brain. I’m tired. I’m not saying this will suck, but I am planting some excuses into the gardens of your mind just in case it does. I promised Monday blogs and sometimes it’s just not an easy thing.

Here are some half-cooked thoughts and ideas for your consideration…….

– In the United States, they have urinals in mens bathrooms. Why are 50% the urinals here ‘child sized’?? A child probably doesn’t even use a urinal until he’s 4. By the time he’s 10, he’s tall enough to use a regular sized urinal. How many goddamn 3.5 feet tall men do you think there are in an American bathroom at any one time?? Certainly not 50% of the population. Unless coach is taking the little league team to Burger King after a game, this is a non factor. I think a 5 to 1 ratio would be acceptable.

– I saw an ad today and I didn’t know it was for the Olympics. It said ‘we are one year away from one of the biggest sporting events in the world.’ Yeah, next year’s Superbowl!!!

– Too many VIPs. There used to just be a regular lineup, and a VIP lineup. I walked past a Vegas nightclub the other day that must have had 6 different lineups! I even heard an ad that said ‘tired of waiting in the VIP lineup’?? There shouldn’t be much waiting in the VIP lineup, because if you’re truly VIP, you should get in right away. I think there is no regular lineup anymore, and the VIP is the old regular lineup. Air Canada has Elite members, and Super Elite members, and Star Club members. Too many VIPs. Give me regular, and special, and that’s as far as it needs to go. Gold card, Platinum Card, Black Card……Silver membership, Gold membership, Platinum membership. They’re trying to make everyone feel special in their own little unspecial way. Not everyone is special all the time. Knock it off!

– So tired of these fucking air travellers whose time is too important to check their luggage and wait at the carousel with all the other slobs, so they bring a full friggin suitcase onto the plane with them, and jam it into the overseat bin where it doesn’t fit, and then nobody else can fit their stuff up there. It’s cramped and crowded because now everyone is carrying stuff on their laps and under their seats, all so a few jackasses can avoid baggage claim. Today one guy had his suitcase jammed up there so bad that a long piece of plastic got dislodged and damn near put my eye out. “Oh Sorry”

– I saw a chick on the subway a few weeks ago. She was sleeping with a ‘rockstar energy drink’ in her hand. That’s not a very good endorsement for the drink.

– I saw an ad for a Dyson air dryer that indicated it was 80% faster. It didn’t say faster than what though. I think they were hoping I would assume it was the competition. I think it’s only 80% faster than me blowing on my own hands.

Ok… I’m out of tricks

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January 1, 2013

Holiday Retail Pet Peeves

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So it’s New Year’s Eve, and I’ve cancelled all plans to bring you this blog. I said I would blog on Mondays, and I won’t be stopped. Not even for the biggest party night of the year! Don’t worry about me though. I’m fully equipped with a bottle of wine, 4 different kinds of cheese, and a screaming baby in the background. I’ll get through this.
I’ve spent a few chunks of my adult life as a Retail Manager, and during the holiday shopping season the job description includes being a sales person and letting my paperwork pile up. I don’t mind that. I like being on the sales floor (when I’m in a good mood, and I find people tolerable). The holidays only come around once a year and it’s time to get that money if you’re a retailer.
I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of people talk about their holiday shopping nightmares, and you’ve probably had some yourself. Let me tell you that on the other side of that equation it’s not all rainbows and puppy dogs either. It’s more like caffeine and tolerance. For I have crossed path with every pigeon brained bozo allowed to roam the malls freely, and it’s changed the way I view humanity.
Here are (just) a few of my Holiday Retail Pet Peeves…….

– People who say ‘just looking’ after you say hello to them. I didn’t ask why you were here…. I just said hello. I kind of don’t mind this if I think you don’t speak English, but I find it kind of rude the rest of the time. I’m sure you think that I’m some crazy shark of a sales person (which is true) who’s going to hound you until you buy something (which isn’t true), and I’m sure that you’ve been victimized in the past by somebody very slick that has ridden you around the store like a donkey, and made your life completely miserable. So maybe it’s a defence mechanism to avoid situations like that. I understand, but I still don’t think it’s reasonable that when someone says ‘Hello’, or ‘How are you?’ that you should treat them like a non-human by saying ‘just looking’. Show a bit of courtesy by answering the question you were asked. You’re a guest in my store. Be polite!
– People who come in on December 23rd to try to resolve warranty issues. Don’t you know that this is the absolute busiest day of the entire year? You’re bringing me this issue that you could bring to me ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, and you chose today?? Have some respect!!
– People who try to get price adjustments for ANY reason whatsoever. If there’s a sale, and you weren’t there, you missed it. Too bad. If you bought something and the price lowered a week later, too bad! Why are you visiting items you’ve already purchased anyways. Part of buying something when its new is paying full price. If you wait until it’s stale, then maybe you get a discount. You shouldn’t be able to have it both ways, and any store that accommodates this is stupid. The customer is almost always WRONG. Let’s get the culture back to that reality. My favourite is when they come in whining about how they missed out on a promotion, and tell you it’s not fair (like a 4-year-old). Cancer isn’t fair!! You missing out on a sale is just fine in the grand scheme of things. Grow up!
– People that leave their Christmas shopping until December 23rd, and expected shit to be sweet when they get to the mall. They can’t believe an item isn’t in stock. They can’t believe there’s such a huge lineup at the cash. They can’t believe nothing is on sale. BELIEVE IT! It’s December 23rd!! I won’t lie. I’ve left my shopping for the 23rd many a year, but I never walked into a store with lofty expectations of how awesome my shopping experience would be. That’s just ignorant.
– People who have really detailed specific desires of a gift they want to buy someone, but nobody sells it or makes it. Like that purple sweater with a red stripe. They come in asking for ridiculousness, and then they’re mad when you don’t sell it. Then they tell you sad stories about them looking EVERYWHERE for it, and then asking for recommendations about where they might find it at another store, as if any reasonable human being would know where to find a purple sweater with a red stripe. Then the whole frustration conversation about ‘why doesn’t anybody sell this’, and before you can say ‘because it’s ugly’ or ‘I really don’t have time for your stories’ or ‘only a loser would want that’, you’re knee-deep in a conversation about the holidays and gift exchanging with someone you’ve never met, and would love to never see again, until getting stabbed in the eye with a fork seems like the lesser of the two evils. It’s December 23rd! Either lower your expectations or purchase a gift card, but either way, please stop talking to me and get out of my store.
– People who call the store to see if you have something in stock, but nobody can get to the phone, so they leave a voicemail with no name, and a mumbled phone number. Why do people always talk so slowly during the message, and then zip through the phone number which is the most important part. Then they don’t leave a name either, so I have to call back this number which I’m not even sure is accurate, and ask whoever picks up the phone if somebody called my store earlier?? WTF.

I’ve got a million of them, but I’ll leave it at that for now. Happy New Year everybody!

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December 24, 2012

Merry…. Happy….. Never Mind

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Being Canadian has to be the weirdest around holidays. Especially in Toronto where there are so many different people from around the world living here. Different cultures, different religions… I take it for granted now, but it’s pretty amazing that we all get along the way we do. Relatively speaking anyways. We still don’t really get along as well as we could, especially around the holidays.
I deal with the public for a living. When someone I’ve been dealing with leaves, I say ‘have a great day’. I say this during the day. I say this at night. I say this every day of the week. I say this on Holidays, both national and religious. It’s my thing. Have a great day. Nobody gets offended. Nor should they. It’s very Canadian to not want to offend anyone.

I first became aware of different cultural beliefs when there was a student in my class whose parents made an arrangement to have them ‘pulled’ from the room every morning when we said the Lord’s Prayer. I think this was Grade 1, and it was quite some time ago, because we sang the national anthem (which I’m sure they still do), but then we followed it with the Lord’s Prayer. That seems crazy to me now for public school to do that, but they did. I guess they figured we were all cool with that. I felt bad for the kid though. It’s just embarrassing to be pulled from the class for 2 minutes a day for any reason. I don’t know if the parents thought this kid would turn into a raging Christian or what, but they didn’t want to take any chances.

As the years went by, more and more immigrants descended on Toronto. They stopped doing the Lord’s Prayer in Public Schools at some point. Which I agree with. People can go to church for that. It should be optional. There are lots of churches here or temples or whatever you need for whatever religion you are. I guess different people’s belief systems make them who they are, and inform them on how to interact in the world. It’s truly interesting and sometimes fun that there are so many, but when Christmas rolls around??? Not so much fun.

The consensus seems to be that in order to be sensitive to everybody here, that we shouldn’t be wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’. Even if it is Christmas, and there’s no competing holiday for any other religion on that day. The politically correct term we can use is ‘Happy Holidays’. That’s more inclusive. I’m OK with that. I’ll go with the majority. If I’m dealing with the public, I don’t want to assume that you celebrate Christmas. I don’t want to assume that if you did, that you could or would be able to have a happy or merry one. So sometimes I say ‘Happy Holidays’ which is recommended. Most of the time I say ‘Have a great day’ which is even less offensive.

Here’s the real problem. Why is Merry Christmas offensive?? December 25th is Christmas whether you celebrate it or not. When I wish you a Happy Christmas, I’m wishing you a Happy Day. I’m not telling you to go to church, I’m not telling you to sell out your own god, I’m not telling you to decorate your house, I’m not telling you to sacrifice a goat, I’m just wishing you Happy Days. Sunday Monday Happy Days. Tuesday Wednesday Happy Days. Thursday Friday Happy Days. Saturday, what a day, groovin all week with you. You know the rest. I’m just wishing you a happy day. Why is that offensive?? If you said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn’t be offended because I’m not Jewish. I’d be happy that you shared some positive words with me. I’d list off a few other examples, but I really don’t know that much about the other religious holidays. Just know that if your religion has a holiday where it’s customary to wish somebody well during that time, you can wish me well, and I would be happy that you did. Not offended, that’s absurd.

To make matters COMPLETELY worse, I’ve noticed a lot of Canadians who do celebrate Christmas posting stuff on their Facebook that is making is seem like ‘Happy Holidays’ is offensive to them because we should be saying Merry Christmas, and never mind what everybody else thinks about it. I understand the sentiment, but really??? You’re badmouthing ‘Happy Holidays’????

Everybody needs to just calm the fuck down!

Whether you believe in Jesus, Santa Claus or somebody or something else, or none of the above…… Christmas is a time to be cool. You’re not being cool! No matter what religion you are part of, the major holidays are about being with your family, friends and spreading good cheer. It’s not about money, expectations, stress and nonsense. All this arguing is bringing me down man. It’s petty. Grow Up!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Have a Great Day!!
R

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

December 18, 2012

Aftermath

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I had so many fun and lighthearted topics to choose from this week, but I just can’t seem to get my head (or heart) around the school shootings in Connecticut that have taken place since my last blog.  We’ve seen tragedies like this before, but never REALLY like this.  I don’t know why it’s affecting me so much.  I’ve felt an awful combination of sickness and sadness whenever I think about this.  Is it because of the age of the kids, or because I am now a father?  Either way, what’s always interesting to me is how the aftermath plays out.

First we mourn for the families which makes sense, and it should really stop there.  Then, it’s the blame game.  As if you can undo all of this as long as you are able to isolate the cause.  Or at very least you can stop it from happening again.  I don’t think that’s true….. it was too random.  Plus I think it makes people feel horrible to think that it could have been prevented.  I don’t think it helps the grieving process at all.  They’ll do their best to break it down in the coming weeks, and the public will argue and debate which ‘reason’ they think was the primary motive behind it.  Then the government will step in and throw some money at the winner.

What’s to blame?

– Gun Control???  (Pick me, Pick me!!!)  Yes and no.  Gun control is absolutely a problem in the United States, although most of their population refuses to admit it.  There are many who feel their right to ‘bear arms’ is more important than the overall safety of their population.  Was it responsible for this incident?  I doubt it.  I’m sure a properly motivated killer could find a murder weapon whether it was easy or difficult.  I’d say that hopefully the aftermath leads the politicians to look at this closer though.  Sometimes in politics, it takes something like this to sway public opinion, and open up some minds.  This could be a huge opportunity to take steps to making America a safer place.  They’ve shown little to no interest in gun control for the sake of stopping inner city violence, but 20 schoolchildren between the ages of 5-10???  I sure hope something good comes out of this.

– Lack of awareness of mental health issues???  Maybe.  This is always a problem.  Especially in young people.  When a teenager is acting out, people are always so dismissive.  Is this some undiagnosed problem?  Were people around this guy being sensitive to it?  Was his own family sensitive to it?  I haven’t done any research to find out the story about the killer.  I’m sure more details in will surface in the aftermath.  I will say this…. You have to be absolutely dripping with evil to do what he did on the scale that he did it.  How did that evil not manifest itself earlier in life?  Who knows?  It’s almost always mental health issues that people don’t know about.  I don’t believe anybody in their right or wrong mind would do what he did.  There have to be factors at play that we don’t know about.

– The Parents?  Easy target.  Divorced.  The mother was one of the victims.  How bad could they have possibly been at parenting that this happened?  I don’t think so.  Apparently she kept a lot of guns in the house though.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter who’s to blame.  It’s over.  It doesn’t sound like there’s anything to learn.  It doesn’t sound like there was any way to prevent it.  One thing for sure is that in the weeks to come it will be analyzed to death.  All of the US networks can pencil this into the news programming for the next 6 months.  Reporters can dig up all the dirt they can find about every person who ever knew or dealt with the killer’s family.  It’s only a matter of time before this is referenced in a tasteless rap lyric.  We will all hold opinions about this and judge people we’ve never met before.

We can only hope that something like tighter gun control is what comes from this.  Other than that, maybe for a day or two we hugged our children just a little bit longer.  Maybe we decided against berating the kid who took to long to give us our order at McDonalds.  Maybe for a time we united with our enemies over the grief of senseless killings of school children.  Hopefully this reminded us that life isn’t something to be taken for granted.  Hopefully there’s some way to turn this violence from the past into a peaceful future.  Hopefully something positive and lasting comes out of the aftermath!

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November 19, 2012

Is Knitting Cool Now?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Anytime I see something out of the ordinary 4 different times in the same day, I have to assume that it is the ‘next cool thing’.  I don’t receive whatever memo gets sent around, and I’m not on the same wave-length as whatever pop-star, or reality show actor (did I just say actor?) is setting the trends these days.  As a result I’m often late to the party.  I’m just a stand-by passenger on the ‘cool plane’.  The last to board assuming I even get a seat.  I do ride the subway system though, so if I seem to have my finger on the pulse of urban trends, it’s because if I can stay awake long enough, it will smack me in the face.  What smacked me in the face this past week was young people knitting…..EVERYWHERE!  Guys too!  I mean girls get a pass on this, but young guys knitting?  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I compromised with subtle indifference, followed by a Monday blog.

As a proud owner of several Hawaiian shirts for a 3 month stretch in 2001, I would like to state that knitting being an ‘in thing’ kind of took me by surprise.  I mean, you see old people knitting all the time, but they’re from a different time, and that’s something that people did back in the day.  If you needed some socks, and there wasn’t money, or a store nearby, you knitted a pair.  Done!  If you got good at it, maybe you made a sweater for Johnny’s birthday, or a toque for baby Felicia.  There were lots of acceptable reasons to knit back in the day, and when I see old people still doing it, it’s just part of their charm, like sending handwritten letters in the mail.  When I see young people doing it in thriving urban locations????  I just don’t buy it.

Is this some sort of strange and wonderful renaissance where people have discarded their ‘does everything but scratch my nuts’ mobile devices in exchange for the simple pleasures of an old school hobby?  Or is this just some weird extension of hipsterism that I don’t get (not that I got any of it before this)?  I think it’s a fabulous thing for the universe, that something like this could actually be ‘coming back’.  It’s skillful, crafty, and all of the things that this generation doesn’t seem to be.  That’s why I’m having trouble believing that this became cool for the right reasons like it’s practical and creative.  I believe that a hot teen vampire must have done it in a movie.  That’s the only possible explanation.  Am I right?

Whatever the case may be, I saw this 4 times in the same day.  Is it the next big thing?  Maybe.  Is it just some crazy randomness?  Possibly.  If you want to be on the cutting edge of cool, best to not follow my predictions.  I’m full of all sorts of wonderful information, but don’t hitch your wagon to what I think is the next big thing.  Also, if I can give any advice, don’t buy into a fad too early.  It’s always awesome to say that you were doing ‘whatever’ before everyone else, but if not everyone else ends up doing it, and ‘whatever’ was knitting on the subway???  It might not look as cool as you think.

My favourite example was in Chinatown on the bus.  There was a young guy talking to these 3 Chinese chicks (he was white).  He had just the right amount of calculated deshevelment to his appearance to pull off that ‘I’m interesting, but not a bum look’.  He was charming these girls, and they were eating it up.  I could tell that they had just met (they might have been from out-of-town though, and giving him that ‘happy tourist’ flirting), but I was sure he was saying/doing all the right things (based on no audio, but just visual cues as I was listening to my Ipod instead of him).  Then in a move that I’m sure he thought was going to put him over the top, he pulled out the knitting he was working on.  They started to giggle, I’m sure he thought in a ‘wow this guy is sooo interesting’ way, but to those of us who’d been around the block a few times it was more of a ‘wow this guy is fuckin weird’ way.

The moral of that story is that even if knitting is the next big thing, if you’re a young guy, you have to make sure that everyone is fully aware of how cool knitting is before you make a play like that.  It’s like holding an ace which can be the best card in the deck depending on the rules of the game you’re playing, but it can also be a one.  My Chinatown guy left the bus without any phone numbers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the knitting that cost him.  It was a ballsy, cutting edge move, but not a universally cool one.  Maybe in 6 months after this thing takes off a bit better he would have reaped the plentiful rewards that ‘knitting for cool’ had to offer.  Not yet.  He’s a trailblazer though.  I know that for sure!  Someday he’ll be able to wear his ‘scarf of Chinatown rejection’ like a hipster badge of honour!  I salute him!

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized