Tag Archives: Humor

March 4, 2013

The Chain Always Stops Here

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I remember sitting in my friend’s car. It was a 1983 Pontiac Acadian. One of the last cars I ever saw that didn’t have ‘power steering’. For those of you young enough to take that for granted, you used to get quite an arm workout from driving if you didn’t have power steering. Now all cars have it, and some will do all the tricky driving for you, it’s pathetic….don’t get me started. This car (this is off topic but worth mentioning) had a sound system that cost the owner more than the actual car. What can I say…. It was the 90s. Baby Blue with a black racing stripe, and tinted windows. This car was all dressed up with nowhere to go. We were sitting in it listening to Hip Hop because it was my obsession at the time, and sounded so damn good in a car like that. You had to listen to loud music in this car. It served almost no other purpose.

We were driving along when I noticed a piece of folded up paper stuffed under the windshield wiper blade. I rolled down my window and reached out to grab it. I told my friend about it, and opened it up to read to him. He quickly yanked it out of my hand, threw it out of his window, and kept driving. I paused for a moment with my mouth wide open in amazement. “Chain Letter”, he said and kept driving.

I didn’t know what a chain letter was at the time. He explained it to me, and spoke of the dire consequences of reading a chain letter, and then not following the instructions at the bottom, which often included writing 10 other chain letters. Kids…. in 1993, that sucked way worse than it would now. It wasn’t just a matter of hitting forward, and dropping 10 names from your address book. You had to write those fuckers out. I now understood why my friend was so quick to throw out that letter (even though it could have been some girl who had a crush on him, or a letter from another driver indicating that they had nicked his vehicle in a parking lot). He knew if he read it, he was bound by those terms.

20 years later, I received a Blogger’s equivalent of a chain letter. A blogger nominated award! This one is called the Liebster Blog Award. I’ve seen these around, and only after doing some research did I understand what it was. This one comes with some terms and conditions. You first of all have to shout out the nominator, which I’m happy to do. Then you have to post the award on your site (which I don’t even know how to do…. I guess you just copy and paste?? I suck at this stuff). Then you have to answer 11 questions about yourself (which is an opportunity in itself, because I don’t know if you’ve noticed how much I’ve been reaching on my topics lately, but I have NO new ideas.) Then you have to nominate 11 more bloggers to receive this award. If everyone did this, absolutely everyone would have about 15 of these. Not super meaningful, BUT………

I believe my nominator had pure intentions (and did not mean it as a chain letter), so I’ll play along. Her name is Ashley, and you can read her blog http://everythingisblooming.wordpress.com. She seems like a very sweet 20 something girl from Wisconsin who plays the violin, and writes some pretty funny stuff. She often takes pages from her diary from when she was a teenager, and writes it out, and then criticizes herself as the older, wiser Ashley. Pretty ballsy, but funny! I wouldn’t have the courage to let you know what I was thinking as a teenager. It would be completely inappropriate. I can barely behave now.

I should mention that I had previously been nominated for something as well. If that person is still a reader of mine, I apologize for not acknowledging whatever that was. I thought it was spam. Maybe when I have more time, I’ll go back and find out who that was.

I will also answer all of Ashley’s questions! This is amazing actually, because I had nothing to write about, and now I do. Although, I normally like to give opinions about things other than myself, I guess I can open up a bit and tell you about me. You should know that Ashley was born on February 29th, so she didn’t have a birthday this year. If you go to her page, wish her a happy birthday (next time there’s a leap year 😉 Ha). Here are my answers….

1. What would you spend your last $50 on?
I’ve spent my last $50 more times than I care to admit publicly. My close friends know this is true. It was often on beer and chicken wings.

2. Favorite fashion accessory?
Used to be a watch, but my wrist has this horrible allergy to (nickel maybe??) and I can’t wear them anymore. I love hats, but my head is friggin enormous. It’s not that noticeable until I try on hats. They’re too small. I don’t know if shoes count, but I have a lot of shoes for a guy. I always wear a belt. It always matches. If my socks/shoes/belt combo isn’t right, I feel completely naked and vulnerable. Now you know more than you wished.

3. If you were a character on The Simpsons, who would you be?
Tough call because those characters are all so pigeon holed, Krusty the Clown?

4. What’s your go-to comfort food?
I have a few of them, but spaghetti is the one thing I’m good at making myself.

5. If you could vacation anywhere in the world, where would it be?
I would like to go to the Montreaux Jazz festival in Switzerland.

6. Do you prefer to work out in the gym, at home, or outdoors; what do you love about it?
Hate working out. What a weird question. So assumptive. However, my favourite form of exercise is playing basketball.

OH MY GOD!!!! I just realized that I’m answering the wrong questions. These were the questions that Ashley answered when she got her award, not the ones she asked….. Ughhhhh… I have to start over, but I won’t delete what I’ve already done. Consider those bonus questions. Dammit!

1.Are you a dog or cat person? Why?
If I have to choose, it’s dog because they’re usually friendly, and I like their attitude. Cats are just too smug. Not a huge fan of either

2.Growing up, what was your favorite cartoon?
Ren & Stimpy. When I watch it now, it doesn’t hold up the same, but I thought that was hilarious!! Ironically a dog and cat cartoon. Maybe I do like them.

3.If you could meet one fictional character, who would it be?
I would love to get drunk and smoke cigars with Bunk from The Wire

4.What is one of your guilty pleasures?
I’m really into Fleetwood Mac right now. I’m not sure if I need to feel guilty about that or not, but I would say it in hushed tones around certain people.

5.You’re forced to relocate immediately; Where would you choose to live?
I would probably just move somewhere that was as close to Toronto as I would be allowed under the conditions of the relocation. Too many family and friends. New York City if you really made me choose.

6.Marry, Boff, Kill: Your first, second, and third romantic partners.
Wow… personal…. Uhhh define romantic partners??? OK never mind, it’s hypothetical (my wife reads this!!!!!My mom reads this!!!!!). I’ll go with the 3 romantic partners that I’ve had lasting (over 2 yrs) relationships with. I’ll call them 1, 2 and 3 (chronological order). I’d probably kill 1 since I haven’t seen or heard from her in 15 years, boff 2 since I’d feel bad killing her, and marry 3 since I’ve already done so, and have no regrets about it. (That’s not to say that I wouldn’t feel bad killing 1…….this is a weird marry, boff, kill scenario… aren’t you just supposed to do that with people you haven’t already been with???)

7.What was your first car?
1988 Chevrolet Celebrity. I could write an entire blog about that piece of shit. Perhaps I will someday.

8.What’s your homepage?
I don’t even know how to change my homepage. Google.ca right now.

9.Name two things other than your phone or computer you couldn’t live without.
My music collection (iPod if it’s just one thing), and my bed I guess.

10.What is your favorite dessert?
Creme Brule

11.What are you currently obsessed with?
Many things. My Toronto Blue Jays pop into mind. Sooo excited about the upcoming baseball season. Go Jays!

So, those are my answers!!! The chain ends here though! Thank you Ashley for thinking of me. I won’t be posting the award or sending this to 11 people, but I had great fun with the topic anyways. The people I would send it to are all great writers, and I’m sure have an online trophy case full of these already!

6 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 18, 2013

Travelaudacity

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So this post is supposed to be a travel rant. I just want to say this. I am loopy on cold medication. Oh I know… put that up there with the rest of the excuses for either writing a bad blog or wanting to get extreme credit for writing a good blog, like…..There’s something in my eye, my dog keeps humping my leg, I’m stuck in a snow bank, too many creditors are calling my home at once, I have plantar fasciitis, my coffee maker is broken, I have writer’s block, I don’t speak English, I’m at work, my humidifier is making the room to humid, I’m drunk, my Ipod keeps playing the Pet Shop Boys, my baby is drooling on my face, last night’s pork was overcooked, they might have used asbestos during the construction of my parent’s house, I have emotional problems, there’s a jolly rancher stuck to the couch cushion, I have kidney stones, my life sucks and I’m too depressed to write, my life’s amazing and now I have nothing compelling to write about, I have a stain on my new shirt, I’m being held back in life because my pre-school teacher never believed in me, I have a hang nail on the ring finger equivalent of my toes, I wanna go outside and play, the gym that I’ve never been to wants me to come in for a fitness assessment….. today!!!!!! All this and I still managed to get a blog off??? That’s damn near heroic!! OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

Travelaudacity is supposed to be like travelocity, but since I’m trying to tell you bad things about travelling, I put audacity instead of ocity, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d get it, so I’m explaining it, but then if I have to explain it, it probably wasn’t worth saying, but if it was worth saying, and you did get the ‘wordplay’, then I’ve probably completely ruined it by explaining it, and I should have just shown confidence in it (because I have this thing about combining two concepts in the same word like “Blintrog” which was the first blog I ever wrote, and it was like an Intro and a Blog, but I combined the two to make Blintrog… get it???), but I don’t know if this concept was strong enough, and I feel insecure about it, and when I’m insecure, I overexplain. NOT TO MENTION when I looked up the spelling of audacity, I noticed that one of the definitions was the willingness to take bold risks which is actually a pretty cool personality trait, but I of course was referring to the definition that indicated rude or disrespectful behaviour, just in case you weren’t 100% clear about what Travelaudacity was supposed to be about. OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

I had to fly on Delta Airlines last week. I wanted to bring a bag. A real bag, like luggage. Not just a carry-on. Not a full-on suitcase disguised as a carry-on either which (if I didn’t just say it in a recent blog) is the most obnoxious thing going. I wanted to check a bag. This costs $25. I know it used to be free back in the day, but that’s not my rant. (Although it could be my rant because if they didn’t charge $25, then more people would check their bags, and then they wouldn’t stuff them into overhead compartments, and then dislodge a plastic thingy when they tried to get it out, and nearly poke my friggin eye out). I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that when you pay $25 to check a bag with Delta, they give you what’s called an ‘excessive baggage’ ticket. I was gone for 5 (turned into 7 because of snow storm) days, and I brought one suitcase. I don’t think that is ‘excessive’. If I brought 4 suitcases, then you can give me an excessive baggage ticket, but one suitcase for a 5 days??? Not excessive. I would say it’s the ‘appropriate baggage’. I would have liked to get an ‘appropriate baggage’ ticket from Delta.

Have you ever booked travel and noticed that a connecting flight is generally cheaper than a direct flight? I’ve had this explained to me by numerous people and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m no genius!! Argue it all you want…..(No seriously I’d love to have the argument with you where you try to convince me that I’m a genius, and I humbly try to talk you down like ‘no no… not a genius…’ please, can we do that argument next time I see you?) but I do know a tiny bit about business. I’m not going to oversell how much I know about it, but most of my adult life, I’ve been involved in business on some level with varying degrees of success peppered with wildly high levels of failure. All that being said, HOW THE FUCK CAN RIDING ON 2 AIRPLANES BE CHEAPER THAN RIDING ON 1 AIRPLANE???? There are roughly double the costs. Double the employees, double the fuel, double the mechanics making sure it’s running smoothly, double the flight attendants, double the bits and bites, double the pilots, double the guys that take our ‘excessive baggage’ from one plane and put it on another. There’s no way you can tell me that the costs of having me take a connecting flight is cheaper than me taking a direct flight (when one is available). I think that’s why some of these airlines are struggling. They fail to comprehend the basic mathematics behind their business. They should be encouraging people to take direct flights!! Do you know how much time and energy they waste on re-booking passengers that miss their connectors?? The stupidity of it all amazes me continuously.

Happy Travels!

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

February 5, 2013

Stuff I Thought Of To Say Today

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

For the second straight week I’m out of the country. Still bringing you the bloggiest ideas that are rattling around in my little brain. I’m tired. I’m not saying this will suck, but I am planting some excuses into the gardens of your mind just in case it does. I promised Monday blogs and sometimes it’s just not an easy thing.

Here are some half-cooked thoughts and ideas for your consideration…….

– In the United States, they have urinals in mens bathrooms. Why are 50% the urinals here ‘child sized’?? A child probably doesn’t even use a urinal until he’s 4. By the time he’s 10, he’s tall enough to use a regular sized urinal. How many goddamn 3.5 feet tall men do you think there are in an American bathroom at any one time?? Certainly not 50% of the population. Unless coach is taking the little league team to Burger King after a game, this is a non factor. I think a 5 to 1 ratio would be acceptable.

– I saw an ad today and I didn’t know it was for the Olympics. It said ‘we are one year away from one of the biggest sporting events in the world.’ Yeah, next year’s Superbowl!!!

– Too many VIPs. There used to just be a regular lineup, and a VIP lineup. I walked past a Vegas nightclub the other day that must have had 6 different lineups! I even heard an ad that said ‘tired of waiting in the VIP lineup’?? There shouldn’t be much waiting in the VIP lineup, because if you’re truly VIP, you should get in right away. I think there is no regular lineup anymore, and the VIP is the old regular lineup. Air Canada has Elite members, and Super Elite members, and Star Club members. Too many VIPs. Give me regular, and special, and that’s as far as it needs to go. Gold card, Platinum Card, Black Card……Silver membership, Gold membership, Platinum membership. They’re trying to make everyone feel special in their own little unspecial way. Not everyone is special all the time. Knock it off!

– So tired of these fucking air travellers whose time is too important to check their luggage and wait at the carousel with all the other slobs, so they bring a full friggin suitcase onto the plane with them, and jam it into the overseat bin where it doesn’t fit, and then nobody else can fit their stuff up there. It’s cramped and crowded because now everyone is carrying stuff on their laps and under their seats, all so a few jackasses can avoid baggage claim. Today one guy had his suitcase jammed up there so bad that a long piece of plastic got dislodged and damn near put my eye out. “Oh Sorry”

– I saw a chick on the subway a few weeks ago. She was sleeping with a ‘rockstar energy drink’ in her hand. That’s not a very good endorsement for the drink.

– I saw an ad for a Dyson air dryer that indicated it was 80% faster. It didn’t say faster than what though. I think they were hoping I would assume it was the competition. I think it’s only 80% faster than me blowing on my own hands.

Ok… I’m out of tricks

1 Comment   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

January 29, 2013

Back to the Future Too

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was walking through a Las Vegas hotel shopping center this morning when I saw the Marty McFLy Nikes from Back to the Future 2, when he goes to the future and they have flying cars, auto drying jackets, hoverboards, and of course Nikes with power laces. That was supposed to be 2015. It’s 2013 now, and I don’t see a lot of that future happening right now. Although we did come up with the internet which is far more efficient than the 17 fax machines scattered over the future McFly household.

My 3 month old son was not impressed by these shoes. He’s part of this new generation of kids that apparently aren’t impressed with anything. I can’t wait to show him these movies, but I don’t know how I’ll explain it to him. ‘Son, this kid hangs out with an old scientist…..okay wait….. this kid goes to the past in a time machine, but then in part 2 he goes to the future, which is now in the past, and……wait wait…. ok just watch it!!! Trust me, it’s awesome.’ But is it? Will it be awesome for him? Probably not. Why? Because my father grew up watching westerns and that was never awesome to me. Who knows what my son will like? Who knows what his life will include?

Will my son have to deal with a Biff Tannen? Will he have his own version of the ‘Enchantment Under the Sea’ dance?Will there be a short-lived phenomenon like Pepsi Free? (If you want a Pepsi kid, you’re gonna have to pay for it.) Will there be a Cafe 80s (please let there be a Cafe 80s). Will ‘butthead’ be an appropriate thing to call people? Will he understand the implications of 1.21 Jigawatts, and will he be able to purchase plutonium at the corner store? (Because we all know that the only other thing that could possibly generate that kind of power would be a bolt of lightning!!!). Will he be the kind of guy that would want to show his dad a few tricks (like how to talk to girls and ask them to the dance??…..Whatever kid, you never would have been born if I didn’t already know that stuff ;)). Will he know that if he puts his mind to it, he can accomplish anything? Will he know that it’s not necessary to worry about somebody calling him chicken? (Even if it was Flea, the bass player from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who are now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!!) Will he want to ‘Save The Clock Tower’? Will he be a guitar player? Will he dream of having a big truck to take his girlfriend camping with? Will he be a slacker according to school officials? Will he think everything is heavy? Will he be a skateboarder? Will he try to get rich betting on sporting events only to watch somebody else get rich betting on sporting events? Will he be able to steer clear of all the manure trucks that life has to offer?

Only time will tell!

Leave a comment   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

January 21, 2013

Fantasies I Occasionally Have

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Some mornings I wake up and wish I was going to the roller rink so I could tell the DJ to put on ‘Lovely Day’ by Bill Withers and I would do the most kick ass roller skating routine ever….. and I would win a trophy…..and hundreds of people would be cheering, and I’d be drinking a 7Up like ‘yeah’…. and I’d get the girl in the end… you know, the one that it seemed like I might have had a chance with, but there was also a chance that it wasn’t gonna work out probably because of some other guy, but then somehow my roller skating performance cemented the outcome, and of course my enemies come around and end up being cool with me…. and then I would be back in high school again, and I would probably be a misunderstood nerd, but somehow the most popular girl in the school would need help graduating, and because I’m a nerd, I help her, and then near the end of the school year there’s a prom or something, and I end up going with her instead of her going with the captain of the football team, and me going with an equally nerdy girl who I’d probably have more in common with, and there’d be a subplot where the football team wanted to kill me, but then I’d do something really cool and all my enemies would be cool with me….. and then I’d be a vampire who ate Cheetos…..constantly…. instead of blood, and all the other vampires thought I was an idiot, and I’d fall in love with a girl who wasn’t a vampire, and I’d have to protect her from the others….and even though I was hundreds of years old I’d act as vulnerable as an 11-year-old, and everyone would overlook my long fingernails, and then somehow I’d destroy all the other vampires (except the ones who were cool with me) and get the girl in the end….. then I’d be a pilot or an astronaut or something, but I’d have a drinking problem or something, but my flying skills would be unparalleled, and all of the other pilots or astronauts or whatever would resent me because “Nobody’s ever flown like that before” and the teacher/princess/’by the book’ co-worker who didn’t like me taking risks would develop an unreasonable attraction towards me which she would try to deny herself of until she just couldn’t take it any more because I was in some kind of danger or something, and her boyfriend showed his true colours by revealing himself as a completely insensitive asshole…… I of course would successfully complete the mission, get the girl, and convert the non-believers……. and then I’m a cop with a checkered past who keeps getting suspended because I let trying to catch bad guys get in the way of proper department protocol….. but then when I’m suspended, I do a bunch of police work anyways, because I am JUST THAT PASSIONATE about being a cop. I get partnered up with someone I have nothing in common with even though I’ve made it perfectly clear that I HATE working with partners….. somehow through all of this, we develop a close relationship, and after 3 or 4 days of arguing we form the strongest bond ever and nobody could ever tear us apart! We catch the bad guys, make the guys who took over the case (when I got suspended) look like idiots, get reinstated, are awarded medals presented by the Police Commissioner who now thinks we’re the greatest thing ever because we make him look good, and I get the girl (oh…. there was no girl in this one…… let’s call her the hostage???)……then I’m trying out for the varsity team, but I’m too small (even though my heart is HUGE!!!!!!!), and the coach won’t play me because my marks are bad, so I get a tutor who only agrees to help me if I’m ‘all in – no excuses’, but the thing is I can’t read, so we have to go study like crazy, and this is all done ‘montage style’, and during the montage I’m also playing the sport that I’m trying out for and slowly getting better with a buddy on the team who believes in me when everyone else doesn’t. I pass the big test, get re-instated, help the team win the big game, and get the girl (tutor)…… then……. I realize that I have to go to work and that’s enough of that. End Scene.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

January 1, 2013

Holiday Retail Pet Peeves

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So it’s New Year’s Eve, and I’ve cancelled all plans to bring you this blog. I said I would blog on Mondays, and I won’t be stopped. Not even for the biggest party night of the year! Don’t worry about me though. I’m fully equipped with a bottle of wine, 4 different kinds of cheese, and a screaming baby in the background. I’ll get through this.
I’ve spent a few chunks of my adult life as a Retail Manager, and during the holiday shopping season the job description includes being a sales person and letting my paperwork pile up. I don’t mind that. I like being on the sales floor (when I’m in a good mood, and I find people tolerable). The holidays only come around once a year and it’s time to get that money if you’re a retailer.
I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of people talk about their holiday shopping nightmares, and you’ve probably had some yourself. Let me tell you that on the other side of that equation it’s not all rainbows and puppy dogs either. It’s more like caffeine and tolerance. For I have crossed path with every pigeon brained bozo allowed to roam the malls freely, and it’s changed the way I view humanity.
Here are (just) a few of my Holiday Retail Pet Peeves…….

– People who say ‘just looking’ after you say hello to them. I didn’t ask why you were here…. I just said hello. I kind of don’t mind this if I think you don’t speak English, but I find it kind of rude the rest of the time. I’m sure you think that I’m some crazy shark of a sales person (which is true) who’s going to hound you until you buy something (which isn’t true), and I’m sure that you’ve been victimized in the past by somebody very slick that has ridden you around the store like a donkey, and made your life completely miserable. So maybe it’s a defence mechanism to avoid situations like that. I understand, but I still don’t think it’s reasonable that when someone says ‘Hello’, or ‘How are you?’ that you should treat them like a non-human by saying ‘just looking’. Show a bit of courtesy by answering the question you were asked. You’re a guest in my store. Be polite!
– People who come in on December 23rd to try to resolve warranty issues. Don’t you know that this is the absolute busiest day of the entire year? You’re bringing me this issue that you could bring to me ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, and you chose today?? Have some respect!!
– People who try to get price adjustments for ANY reason whatsoever. If there’s a sale, and you weren’t there, you missed it. Too bad. If you bought something and the price lowered a week later, too bad! Why are you visiting items you’ve already purchased anyways. Part of buying something when its new is paying full price. If you wait until it’s stale, then maybe you get a discount. You shouldn’t be able to have it both ways, and any store that accommodates this is stupid. The customer is almost always WRONG. Let’s get the culture back to that reality. My favourite is when they come in whining about how they missed out on a promotion, and tell you it’s not fair (like a 4-year-old). Cancer isn’t fair!! You missing out on a sale is just fine in the grand scheme of things. Grow up!
– People that leave their Christmas shopping until December 23rd, and expected shit to be sweet when they get to the mall. They can’t believe an item isn’t in stock. They can’t believe there’s such a huge lineup at the cash. They can’t believe nothing is on sale. BELIEVE IT! It’s December 23rd!! I won’t lie. I’ve left my shopping for the 23rd many a year, but I never walked into a store with lofty expectations of how awesome my shopping experience would be. That’s just ignorant.
– People who have really detailed specific desires of a gift they want to buy someone, but nobody sells it or makes it. Like that purple sweater with a red stripe. They come in asking for ridiculousness, and then they’re mad when you don’t sell it. Then they tell you sad stories about them looking EVERYWHERE for it, and then asking for recommendations about where they might find it at another store, as if any reasonable human being would know where to find a purple sweater with a red stripe. Then the whole frustration conversation about ‘why doesn’t anybody sell this’, and before you can say ‘because it’s ugly’ or ‘I really don’t have time for your stories’ or ‘only a loser would want that’, you’re knee-deep in a conversation about the holidays and gift exchanging with someone you’ve never met, and would love to never see again, until getting stabbed in the eye with a fork seems like the lesser of the two evils. It’s December 23rd! Either lower your expectations or purchase a gift card, but either way, please stop talking to me and get out of my store.
– People who call the store to see if you have something in stock, but nobody can get to the phone, so they leave a voicemail with no name, and a mumbled phone number. Why do people always talk so slowly during the message, and then zip through the phone number which is the most important part. Then they don’t leave a name either, so I have to call back this number which I’m not even sure is accurate, and ask whoever picks up the phone if somebody called my store earlier?? WTF.

I’ve got a million of them, but I’ll leave it at that for now. Happy New Year everybody!

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

December 24, 2012

Merry…. Happy….. Never Mind

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Being Canadian has to be the weirdest around holidays. Especially in Toronto where there are so many different people from around the world living here. Different cultures, different religions… I take it for granted now, but it’s pretty amazing that we all get along the way we do. Relatively speaking anyways. We still don’t really get along as well as we could, especially around the holidays.
I deal with the public for a living. When someone I’ve been dealing with leaves, I say ‘have a great day’. I say this during the day. I say this at night. I say this every day of the week. I say this on Holidays, both national and religious. It’s my thing. Have a great day. Nobody gets offended. Nor should they. It’s very Canadian to not want to offend anyone.

I first became aware of different cultural beliefs when there was a student in my class whose parents made an arrangement to have them ‘pulled’ from the room every morning when we said the Lord’s Prayer. I think this was Grade 1, and it was quite some time ago, because we sang the national anthem (which I’m sure they still do), but then we followed it with the Lord’s Prayer. That seems crazy to me now for public school to do that, but they did. I guess they figured we were all cool with that. I felt bad for the kid though. It’s just embarrassing to be pulled from the class for 2 minutes a day for any reason. I don’t know if the parents thought this kid would turn into a raging Christian or what, but they didn’t want to take any chances.

As the years went by, more and more immigrants descended on Toronto. They stopped doing the Lord’s Prayer in Public Schools at some point. Which I agree with. People can go to church for that. It should be optional. There are lots of churches here or temples or whatever you need for whatever religion you are. I guess different people’s belief systems make them who they are, and inform them on how to interact in the world. It’s truly interesting and sometimes fun that there are so many, but when Christmas rolls around??? Not so much fun.

The consensus seems to be that in order to be sensitive to everybody here, that we shouldn’t be wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’. Even if it is Christmas, and there’s no competing holiday for any other religion on that day. The politically correct term we can use is ‘Happy Holidays’. That’s more inclusive. I’m OK with that. I’ll go with the majority. If I’m dealing with the public, I don’t want to assume that you celebrate Christmas. I don’t want to assume that if you did, that you could or would be able to have a happy or merry one. So sometimes I say ‘Happy Holidays’ which is recommended. Most of the time I say ‘Have a great day’ which is even less offensive.

Here’s the real problem. Why is Merry Christmas offensive?? December 25th is Christmas whether you celebrate it or not. When I wish you a Happy Christmas, I’m wishing you a Happy Day. I’m not telling you to go to church, I’m not telling you to sell out your own god, I’m not telling you to decorate your house, I’m not telling you to sacrifice a goat, I’m just wishing you Happy Days. Sunday Monday Happy Days. Tuesday Wednesday Happy Days. Thursday Friday Happy Days. Saturday, what a day, groovin all week with you. You know the rest. I’m just wishing you a happy day. Why is that offensive?? If you said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn’t be offended because I’m not Jewish. I’d be happy that you shared some positive words with me. I’d list off a few other examples, but I really don’t know that much about the other religious holidays. Just know that if your religion has a holiday where it’s customary to wish somebody well during that time, you can wish me well, and I would be happy that you did. Not offended, that’s absurd.

To make matters COMPLETELY worse, I’ve noticed a lot of Canadians who do celebrate Christmas posting stuff on their Facebook that is making is seem like ‘Happy Holidays’ is offensive to them because we should be saying Merry Christmas, and never mind what everybody else thinks about it. I understand the sentiment, but really??? You’re badmouthing ‘Happy Holidays’????

Everybody needs to just calm the fuck down!

Whether you believe in Jesus, Santa Claus or somebody or something else, or none of the above…… Christmas is a time to be cool. You’re not being cool! No matter what religion you are part of, the major holidays are about being with your family, friends and spreading good cheer. It’s not about money, expectations, stress and nonsense. All this arguing is bringing me down man. It’s petty. Grow Up!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Have a Great Day!!
R

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

November 19, 2012

Is Knitting Cool Now?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Anytime I see something out of the ordinary 4 different times in the same day, I have to assume that it is the ‘next cool thing’.  I don’t receive whatever memo gets sent around, and I’m not on the same wave-length as whatever pop-star, or reality show actor (did I just say actor?) is setting the trends these days.  As a result I’m often late to the party.  I’m just a stand-by passenger on the ‘cool plane’.  The last to board assuming I even get a seat.  I do ride the subway system though, so if I seem to have my finger on the pulse of urban trends, it’s because if I can stay awake long enough, it will smack me in the face.  What smacked me in the face this past week was young people knitting…..EVERYWHERE!  Guys too!  I mean girls get a pass on this, but young guys knitting?  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I compromised with subtle indifference, followed by a Monday blog.

As a proud owner of several Hawaiian shirts for a 3 month stretch in 2001, I would like to state that knitting being an ‘in thing’ kind of took me by surprise.  I mean, you see old people knitting all the time, but they’re from a different time, and that’s something that people did back in the day.  If you needed some socks, and there wasn’t money, or a store nearby, you knitted a pair.  Done!  If you got good at it, maybe you made a sweater for Johnny’s birthday, or a toque for baby Felicia.  There were lots of acceptable reasons to knit back in the day, and when I see old people still doing it, it’s just part of their charm, like sending handwritten letters in the mail.  When I see young people doing it in thriving urban locations????  I just don’t buy it.

Is this some sort of strange and wonderful renaissance where people have discarded their ‘does everything but scratch my nuts’ mobile devices in exchange for the simple pleasures of an old school hobby?  Or is this just some weird extension of hipsterism that I don’t get (not that I got any of it before this)?  I think it’s a fabulous thing for the universe, that something like this could actually be ‘coming back’.  It’s skillful, crafty, and all of the things that this generation doesn’t seem to be.  That’s why I’m having trouble believing that this became cool for the right reasons like it’s practical and creative.  I believe that a hot teen vampire must have done it in a movie.  That’s the only possible explanation.  Am I right?

Whatever the case may be, I saw this 4 times in the same day.  Is it the next big thing?  Maybe.  Is it just some crazy randomness?  Possibly.  If you want to be on the cutting edge of cool, best to not follow my predictions.  I’m full of all sorts of wonderful information, but don’t hitch your wagon to what I think is the next big thing.  Also, if I can give any advice, don’t buy into a fad too early.  It’s always awesome to say that you were doing ‘whatever’ before everyone else, but if not everyone else ends up doing it, and ‘whatever’ was knitting on the subway???  It might not look as cool as you think.

My favourite example was in Chinatown on the bus.  There was a young guy talking to these 3 Chinese chicks (he was white).  He had just the right amount of calculated deshevelment to his appearance to pull off that ‘I’m interesting, but not a bum look’.  He was charming these girls, and they were eating it up.  I could tell that they had just met (they might have been from out-of-town though, and giving him that ‘happy tourist’ flirting), but I was sure he was saying/doing all the right things (based on no audio, but just visual cues as I was listening to my Ipod instead of him).  Then in a move that I’m sure he thought was going to put him over the top, he pulled out the knitting he was working on.  They started to giggle, I’m sure he thought in a ‘wow this guy is sooo interesting’ way, but to those of us who’d been around the block a few times it was more of a ‘wow this guy is fuckin weird’ way.

The moral of that story is that even if knitting is the next big thing, if you’re a young guy, you have to make sure that everyone is fully aware of how cool knitting is before you make a play like that.  It’s like holding an ace which can be the best card in the deck depending on the rules of the game you’re playing, but it can also be a one.  My Chinatown guy left the bus without any phone numbers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the knitting that cost him.  It was a ballsy, cutting edge move, but not a universally cool one.  Maybe in 6 months after this thing takes off a bit better he would have reaped the plentiful rewards that ‘knitting for cool’ had to offer.  Not yet.  He’s a trailblazer though.  I know that for sure!  Someday he’ll be able to wear his ‘scarf of Chinatown rejection’ like a hipster badge of honour!  I salute him!

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

November 6, 2012

Parenting Blog??? I Think I’ll Pass

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m a new dad.  Exciting times!  Not as much time to blog.  Not as many topics to blog about.  I mean there is one new topic that I could probably write about.  It would be easy.  This could be a forum to document every moment of a new life.  Then when he grows up I could go back and read all my own posts and have weepy nostalgic times over a beer or two.

Here’s the thing though….. This is thoughts and rants in jogging pants.  While I don’t have time to sit around in my jogging pants anymore, I think I owe it to my loyal fan base whose numbers sit comfortably in double digits, to not turn this into a parenting blog.  In my time on WordPress, I would have to say that at least 30% of the blogs I’ve read involved people talking about their kids.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Some of my favourite bloggers do this, and I love hearing about it.  I would say however, that this site is saturated with these types of posts, and not quite as full of scathing social commentary.  I think I owe it to my non-paying public to keep on keepin on with the stuff I was doing before.

The other thing that weighs into this decision is that I respect the privacy of my newborn.  Oh the tales I could already tell about shits he’s taken, or times he was upset with us.  I don’t think it would be fair to him though.  He might not want everyone knowing about his business, and when I approached him about it, he completely ignored the topic, and was totally evasive.  I understand though.  He doesn’t want to disappoint his old man by saying no, but if he says yes, who knows what embarrassing little stories about pissing on his sock I’ll tell the general public.  Anyways, I let him off the hook.  15 days is too young to have to make a complicated decision like that, especially when you may not understand the consequences of your actions.  So I’m leaving him out of this for now.  Sorry baby nuts!!!  (By baby nuts I mean people who are crazy about babies, not……well you know)

Here are some opinions I have about some baby related stuff though…… Since we’re here

– There is NOTHING to be gained from arriving at the pediatrician’s office early, other than disease from a bunch of other snotty nosed kids in the waiting room.  Far better to wait until the last second to arrive.  Even if you’re early, wait in the car.

– Stylized naked pictures of you and your baby are not art.  They’re weird, and your baby will set fire to them as soon as he/she is old enough.  What were you thinking?

– The happier the baby looks in an advertisement, the more likely I am to buy the product.  Can you imagine how stressful it must be to be in charge of capturing those images?

– I’m really not looking forward to letting my kid watch ‘children’s television’ on the same TV that I’m supposed to be watching sports on, but I really want to find out what kind of show Toopy and Binoo is.  I just like how it sounds when I say it.  Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo……. I can do this for hours.

– When you’re in a store with your 2-year-old, be mindful of the fact that they probably don’t really want to shop at this store the same way you do, so don’t get lulled into the whole ‘I can shop with my 2 year old’ falseness.  They will run around the store pulling things off the shelves, while you’re debating a cookware purchase.  I often fantasize about slapping the shit out of these parents.  If you ever see a silly little grin creep over my face, that’s the look of satisfaction.

I’m sure there’s more.  I’m too sleepy to continue.

7 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

October 16, 2012

Dogs Don’t Like You

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I see lots of people with dogs.  Most people who own dogs are very passionate about it.  I’m sure they’re passionate enough in some cases that I may make enemies here, but it’s time somebody said it.  Your dog doesn’t like you!

Your dog doesn’t like a noose being tied around his neck and being dragged around the neighborhood, and pressured into taking a shit so you can go back inside.

Your dog doesn’t like the crazy smelling food you feed him that are ‘good for his bones and teeth’.

Your dog doesn’t like the roller coaster of emotions involving only throwing a tennis ball around when YOU’re in the mood.

Your dog doesn’t like being under house arrest, and having to make nice with you, the prison guard.  He might make the best of it.  After all, it’s a low security prison compared to the pet store where he was in solitary confinement.

Your dog thinks learning ‘pet tricks’ is demeaning.  He does it because you give him snacks.  Snacks are awesome.  Everybody knows this!  There isn’t, however, a dog in the world that wouldn’t prefer the killer combo of snacks AND dignity.

Your dog doesn’t like living in a neighborhood where people are always passing by the front of the house.  He has to be on high friggin alert at all times!  Do you have any idea how stressful that is?  To not really know imminent danger from just some ordinary dude walking past the front of the house?  Can’t you move to the country or something?

Your dog wants ice cream.  He doesn’t like it when you take him out for ice cream, and don’t give him any.  He wants some.

Finally, your dog probably doesn’t like you.  He may occasionally show you a bit of affection, but it’s what’s commonly known as Stockholm Syndrome.  You see, he has been kidnapped in a way.  Owning a dog is not unlike owning a slave, which is soooooooo frowned upon, but other than the dog not being human, it can be pretty similar.  I would say the experience is not unlike the movie Misery.  The dog being James Caan, you being Kathy Bates.  Don’t you think he’d rather be frolicking around in a forest or a jungle somewhere?  Living by his wits?  Hunting for food?  Instead he’s letting us know when there’s someone at the door, and we feed him Alpo, and maybe give him the odd treat. Then we make him pee outside when the cat gets to do it inside.  Then he just wants to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to rest his little doggy feet, we tell him to get the hell off and sit on the floor, so they don’t get their hair all over our precious furniture.  If you don’t want dog hair in your house, then DON’T HAVE A DOG, STUPID!

The whole thing is hypocritical if you ask me.  I’ll bet there’d be an outrage if I had a Panda holed up at my place eating bamboo shoots out of a can.  Dogs got a raw deal man.  Humans are oppressive creatures.  Not to be trusted.  They’ve set up a whole ‘Dog Industry’.  There’s too much money in pet toys and grooming, and knitted doggie sweaters to set the dogs free.  Even if we knew we were wrong (which I don’t think we do), it’s become too much of a tradition to make little Jimmy think that a furry non-human is the only thing that understands him.  It’s gotta stop.  It’s weird and wrong on like 723 levels.

FREE THE DOGS!!  Stop chopping their balls off so they behave better (On what planet is that something you do to another living organism??)  Let them run wild and free.  I’m gonna get T-Shirts printed!  ‘Puppy Liberation’ will be the first one.  Another one could be ‘Who Let The Dogs………. Never mind, I’m sure that’s taken.

No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized