Category Archives: Rants

November 6, 2012

Parenting Blog??? I Think I’ll Pass

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m a new dad.  Exciting times!  Not as much time to blog.  Not as many topics to blog about.  I mean there is one new topic that I could probably write about.  It would be easy.  This could be a forum to document every moment of a new life.  Then when he grows up I could go back and read all my own posts and have weepy nostalgic times over a beer or two.

Here’s the thing though….. This is thoughts and rants in jogging pants.  While I don’t have time to sit around in my jogging pants anymore, I think I owe it to my loyal fan base whose numbers sit comfortably in double digits, to not turn this into a parenting blog.  In my time on WordPress, I would have to say that at least 30% of the blogs I’ve read involved people talking about their kids.  There’s nothing wrong with that.  Some of my favourite bloggers do this, and I love hearing about it.  I would say however, that this site is saturated with these types of posts, and not quite as full of scathing social commentary.  I think I owe it to my non-paying public to keep on keepin on with the stuff I was doing before.

The other thing that weighs into this decision is that I respect the privacy of my newborn.  Oh the tales I could already tell about shits he’s taken, or times he was upset with us.  I don’t think it would be fair to him though.  He might not want everyone knowing about his business, and when I approached him about it, he completely ignored the topic, and was totally evasive.  I understand though.  He doesn’t want to disappoint his old man by saying no, but if he says yes, who knows what embarrassing little stories about pissing on his sock I’ll tell the general public.  Anyways, I let him off the hook.  15 days is too young to have to make a complicated decision like that, especially when you may not understand the consequences of your actions.  So I’m leaving him out of this for now.  Sorry baby nuts!!!  (By baby nuts I mean people who are crazy about babies, not……well you know)

Here are some opinions I have about some baby related stuff though…… Since we’re here

– There is NOTHING to be gained from arriving at the pediatrician’s office early, other than disease from a bunch of other snotty nosed kids in the waiting room.  Far better to wait until the last second to arrive.  Even if you’re early, wait in the car.

– Stylized naked pictures of you and your baby are not art.  They’re weird, and your baby will set fire to them as soon as he/she is old enough.  What were you thinking?

– The happier the baby looks in an advertisement, the more likely I am to buy the product.  Can you imagine how stressful it must be to be in charge of capturing those images?

– I’m really not looking forward to letting my kid watch ‘children’s television’ on the same TV that I’m supposed to be watching sports on, but I really want to find out what kind of show Toopy and Binoo is.  I just like how it sounds when I say it.  Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo……. I can do this for hours.

– When you’re in a store with your 2-year-old, be mindful of the fact that they probably don’t really want to shop at this store the same way you do, so don’t get lulled into the whole ‘I can shop with my 2 year old’ falseness.  They will run around the store pulling things off the shelves, while you’re debating a cookware purchase.  I often fantasize about slapping the shit out of these parents.  If you ever see a silly little grin creep over my face, that’s the look of satisfaction.

I’m sure there’s more.  I’m too sleepy to continue.

7 Comments   |  tags: , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

October 16, 2012

Dogs Don’t Like You

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I see lots of people with dogs.  Most people who own dogs are very passionate about it.  I’m sure they’re passionate enough in some cases that I may make enemies here, but it’s time somebody said it.  Your dog doesn’t like you!

Your dog doesn’t like a noose being tied around his neck and being dragged around the neighborhood, and pressured into taking a shit so you can go back inside.

Your dog doesn’t like the crazy smelling food you feed him that are ‘good for his bones and teeth’.

Your dog doesn’t like the roller coaster of emotions involving only throwing a tennis ball around when YOU’re in the mood.

Your dog doesn’t like being under house arrest, and having to make nice with you, the prison guard.  He might make the best of it.  After all, it’s a low security prison compared to the pet store where he was in solitary confinement.

Your dog thinks learning ‘pet tricks’ is demeaning.  He does it because you give him snacks.  Snacks are awesome.  Everybody knows this!  There isn’t, however, a dog in the world that wouldn’t prefer the killer combo of snacks AND dignity.

Your dog doesn’t like living in a neighborhood where people are always passing by the front of the house.  He has to be on high friggin alert at all times!  Do you have any idea how stressful that is?  To not really know imminent danger from just some ordinary dude walking past the front of the house?  Can’t you move to the country or something?

Your dog wants ice cream.  He doesn’t like it when you take him out for ice cream, and don’t give him any.  He wants some.

Finally, your dog probably doesn’t like you.  He may occasionally show you a bit of affection, but it’s what’s commonly known as Stockholm Syndrome.  You see, he has been kidnapped in a way.  Owning a dog is not unlike owning a slave, which is soooooooo frowned upon, but other than the dog not being human, it can be pretty similar.  I would say the experience is not unlike the movie Misery.  The dog being James Caan, you being Kathy Bates.  Don’t you think he’d rather be frolicking around in a forest or a jungle somewhere?  Living by his wits?  Hunting for food?  Instead he’s letting us know when there’s someone at the door, and we feed him Alpo, and maybe give him the odd treat. Then we make him pee outside when the cat gets to do it inside.  Then he just wants to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to rest his little doggy feet, we tell him to get the hell off and sit on the floor, so they don’t get their hair all over our precious furniture.  If you don’t want dog hair in your house, then DON’T HAVE A DOG, STUPID!

The whole thing is hypocritical if you ask me.  I’ll bet there’d be an outrage if I had a Panda holed up at my place eating bamboo shoots out of a can.  Dogs got a raw deal man.  Humans are oppressive creatures.  Not to be trusted.  They’ve set up a whole ‘Dog Industry’.  There’s too much money in pet toys and grooming, and knitted doggie sweaters to set the dogs free.  Even if we knew we were wrong (which I don’t think we do), it’s become too much of a tradition to make little Jimmy think that a furry non-human is the only thing that understands him.  It’s gotta stop.  It’s weird and wrong on like 723 levels.

FREE THE DOGS!!  Stop chopping their balls off so they behave better (On what planet is that something you do to another living organism??)  Let them run wild and free.  I’m gonna get T-Shirts printed!  ‘Puppy Liberation’ will be the first one.  Another one could be ‘Who Let The Dogs………. Never mind, I’m sure that’s taken.

No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

September 17, 2012

My Top 20 ‘Do Not Play’ Song List for Weddings

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There are a lot of people who are into technology and have calendared the launch date of the new Iphone.  People that can tell you about cars and all of the pros and cons of purchasing each model.  People that know about literature, and have a million books, and know which ones are being adapted into screenplays.  People that know the history of the British Royal Family and who all the important political figures are in all of the countries all over the world.  I don’t know about these things, but if we’re playing Trivial Pursuit, and the topic is music, you better hope I’m on your team.  I love music!  All kinds too.  I know as much about Hip Hop as I do about Rock and Roll, and most things in between.  If I don’t know I’m curious to find out.  I’m a sponge!  The question that comes up with family and friends is ‘can I get paid for such proficient use of that part of my brain?’  The answer would be ‘not to this point’.  If you don’t care about music, and we are in a ‘musical situation’ together, then I am annoying.  If you love music, and we are in a ‘musical situation’ together, then I am awesome, and so are you!

What’s a ‘musical situation’ you ask???  For me it’s every waking moment, but for most people it would be a concert, car ride, grocery store (they always have adult contemporary or 80s music playing….it’s the only reason I go), cleaning the home, and the most obvious ones which are going out to a bar/night club or for those that don’t go to those places, there’s a type of bar/night club that everyone goes to which I like to call a ‘wedding reception’.  Yes, once all the awkward speeches and kissing games are done, and the food is eaten, there is only one man who can bring home a good wedding, and that’s your wedding DJ.

In second place behind top 40 radio, the wedding DJ is the lowest common denominator of ‘musical situations’.  I don’t want to paint them all with the same brush, but time after time, wedding after wedding, they encourage me to paint them with the same brush.  They do this by having the same mediocre playlist of ‘safe’, reception appropriate, multi generation compatible music that every other wedding DJ has.  As a real music fan this sickens me.  It’s not because I think a wedding is the time for a DJ to pull out all the tricks and start ‘digging through the crates’ so to speak.  You do have an audience that has a huge range in age, so you kind of have to play to everybody, which can be a tricky proposition.  So what they’ve done over the years is found songs that work in those situations, and created a formula for success.  In any business, this makes perfect sense.  Being a wedding DJ definitely makes you a business person, but being a DJ SHOULD also make you an artist.  Art and business typically don’t mix very well, and only in the rarest of circumstances can an artist stay true to his/her art, and still make money.  The compromised product is often what works best.

While I’m understanding of their limitations and expectations, I would still like to see wedding DJs to take some chances.  Play some stuff that I didn’t hear a week ago at the last wedding I was at.  You’ll know if you’ve taken it too far, and you can always bring it back to what works, but there are thousands of songs out there that can work in these situations, yet I seem to only hear the same 30 or 40 over and over again.  As someone who loves music as much as I do, the repetition hurts my soul.

My wedding DJ did a pretty good job.  He came over to my condo and allowed me to lecture him on music for 4 hours (I’d gone to high school with him, so we caught up a bit too).  He was very patient with me.  He nodded like he was listening, and when my wedding day came, while I’m not sure he remembered everything I told him, he held his own up there, and kept the party going without really offending me in any way with his selections.  One of the things he did do, which I thought was pretty awesome, was asked me to make a list of 20 songs I had to hear, and 20 more for him to not play under any circumstances.  Now, I can’t remember if he played all 20 of the songs I wanted to hear or not, but he definitely didn’t play the ones that I didn’t want to hear, and that was even more important in a way.  I just didn’t want to hear the same generic songs that I hear at all the other weddings, so those made my list.

For your consideration, here are the 20 songs that I hate (but always end up) hearing at wedding receptions.  Some comments are included.  This is not necessarily in order of hatred, but rather which ones jumped into my head first.

1. Celebration by Kool & The Gang ( I get it….. we’re celebrating……I love Kool & The Gang too.  How about ‘Get Down On It’ or ‘Jungle Boogie’)

2. Holiday by Madonna (Madonna has 30 years of danceable hits….Why this one every time?)

3. Dancing Queen by Abba (Same comment as above but only 10 years)

4. Macarena by Los Del Rio (You will only hear this at weddings now…. hate songs with dances made up for them…. hate any form of line dancing)

5. Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas (Same comment as above)

6. Who Let the Dogs Out? by The Baha Men (They used to play the original version of this song at the clubs, and we liked it ok, but when the Baha Men re-did it, it became #3 on Rolling Stone Magazine “Most Annoying Songs Ever” poll.  So if you’re a wedding DJ, and this information is available to you, why would you keep playing it???  It’s horrible!!!! You’re horrible!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!)

7. Love Train by The O’ Jays (I actually love this song, but people tend to start a conga line when it comes on, and then they want to come around to every table, and there’s always some drunk member of the fun police that wants to get you up out of your seat to join the stupidity.  Fuck off and let me enjoy my beer and my social awkwardness!)

8. Conga by Miami Sound Machine (Same comment as above)

9. Mambo #5 by Lou Bega (I want to stab myself with my dessert fork every time I hear this )

10. Swing the Mood by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers (This is a lazy-ass DJ way to play a bunch of swing songs all at the same time in hopes that some of the older people will feel like he ‘played to them’, but if your DJ was a master mixer himself, then he wouldn’t need to resort to this bullshit.)

11. Follow Me by Aly Us (As far as classic house goes, this is a great song, but at a Filpino wedding, everyone on the dance floor starts doing the ‘bus stop’, and if you don’t know that dance, or don’t feel like line dancing, it’s a good time to grab a drink.)

12. YMCA by The Village People (Wedding DJs get off easy, b/c they play to the drunkest of crowds.  Who would tolerate this song if sober?)

13. TIE – Anything from the Grease Soundtrack (This just sucks the life out of me)

14. Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson (I’ll take some Michael at a wedding, but not this one anymore)

15. Single Ladies by Beyonce (I wonder if it’s bouquet toss time?  I don’t really see any way of avoiding this one though)

16. We Are Family by Sister Sledge (You can celebrate with your family without this cue, thanks)

17. Le Freak by Chic (It sounds like I’m picking on Disco here, and I’m not really.  I’m merely picking on the lack of originality by wedding DJs.  A lot of these songs would be better if I didn’t hear them all the time.  I probably prefer this stuff to current pop music like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, but a lot of these Disco songs have been getting played out for the last 35 years.  If they are playing Lady Gaga at weddings 35 years from now, I’ll make a new list)

18. Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler (I figured I’d include a few of the slow songs that drive me nuts.  This one is almost always the father/daughter dance.  I don’t want to sound un-sentimental (if that’s a word), but I can’t take any more of this song.)

19. TIE Anything by Shania Twain or Celine Dion (As a proud Canadian it disappoints me to do this, but no more please)

20. Baby Got Back by Sir-Mix-A-Lot (Oh my god Becky, look at her butt)

Maybe I’ve missed some!!  Do you have a played out wedding reception song that makes you shoot poisonous glare darts toward an unsuspecting, ‘mailing it in’ Wedding DJ???  I’d love to hear them!

 

12 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

September 3, 2012

Subway Stories

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I spend too much time taking public transit.  I waste a good percentage of my life people watching.  I figure between 6-9% of my days are devoted to this based on commute time divided by hours that I’m awake.  This may be a recurring theme in my blog.  Anybody that wants to write and is stuck for ideas needs to live in a big city and spend time on the bus or train.  Everybody has a story, and you can either be a friendly dude and ask people for it, or you can quietly make up their story based on physical appearance, mannerisms and other evidence.  I get a big kick out of speculating what a complete stranger might be spending the rest of their day doing, and what else might be going on in their lives outside of this bus ride.  That’s only when I’m bored!  Sometimes the things that are happening on my commute are so interesting, that I don’t even have time for these games.

The other day I saw the worst toupee I have ever seen in my entire life.  I can’t even call it the worst, because I’m always strangely happy to see a bad toupee, so I will call it the best toupee I’ve ever seen.  It was black, and it took up 90% of this guy’s head.  Let’s just call it a wig.  The problem was, you could see his white hair above his neck where the wig didn’t quite cover.  Just a racing stripe of white hair at the bottom, enough so it blew his cover, and there’s no way the rest of it could pass for real hair.  That was bad enough on its own, but this wig was not unlike what 70’s Elvis Presley’s hair looked like.  Then I got a better look at him, and I saw that his glasses were not unlike something Elvis may have worn around that time too.  I told someone this, and they said that maybe he was dressed up for some kind of festival or something, but that’s the thing…. he wasn’t.  From the neck down he looked like any other guy in his 60’s.  I would say if anything, his lack of flair for wardrobe combined with his Elvis theme from the neck up (mouth up really, because of the white stripe of real hair at the back) was startling.  I promise, this was not some special outfit.  This is how this guy looks and perceives himself.  I’m positive this man looked at himself in the mirror that morning, put that wig on and thought he was the King!!  He would have fit into my ‘Time Warp’ blog nicely a few months ago.  It’s funny what vanity will have you do.  Also ironic that the bad wig makes him look way more ridiculous than whatever he was trying to cover up with it.

Sometimes the subway train will stop for whatever reason.  For a long time.  I always think it’s a ‘jumper’, but I think there are various reasons including electrical problems, and construction that a train could get delayed.  That doesn’t make it any less annoying when it happens, combined with being underground and having no cell phone reception to call work and let them know.  If you’re like me, and you time your work commute so you arrive there 30 seconds before you start, then there’s not a huge margin for error.  I could work at fixing myself, but instead I think I’ll complain about the transit system.  I understand that these things happen, but my main annoyance is the announcements they make.  They mumble!  There’s absolutely no human being on earth or Krypton for that matter who can decipher these messages.  They’re important too, but all you see is a train full of people with that wincing ‘I can’t hear’ face.  If it isn’t the mumbling messenger, it’s the crappy speakers that can’t seem to handle the most basic function of capturing the human voice.  Now here’s the conspiracy theory.  I truly believe that they do it on purpose, and here’s why…….  They are obligated to make an announcement, or else the paying customers which are trapped on this vessel in the middle of an underground tunnel will freak out.  The problem is that sometimes if people knew the truth (there’s a fire… somebody’s dead…), they would freak out even more.  So what do you do??  You install crappy speakers and teach your employees to mumble important announcements.  I can just see them doing it on orientation day.  ‘OK, now everyone grab a partner and practice sending important messages that nobody could ever possible receive’.

On Saturday I was trying to get home from work, and quickly because I had an out-of-town wedding reception to attend.  I ran to the bus stop after work, and got there about 10 seconds ahead of the bus.  There were 2 other people already at the bus stop.  The bus driver did not pull over, but continued up the road.  We all looked at each other like ‘did that just happen?’  There was no ‘Out of Service’ sign up.  He just forgot to pull over.  Here’s the thing though.  There was a lot of traffic on the street, and he had to stop a little further up before the intersection.  So we ran up to the bus, and started tapping on the door so he would let us on.  This guy has the nerve to point out the bus stop up the street, and we were quick to point out that he hadn’t picked us up at the last one.  He started arguing with us through the door (so I couldn’t hear him that well), and tried to say there was nobody there.  Up until now I had been letting some girl handle the argument on our behalf, but then I kind of lost it, and pounded on the glass, and yelled a bit.  I’m not proud of it, but the guy was pissing me off.  Then he started yelling through the glass asking if I was going to cause him problems.  I responded by telling him that I wouldn’t as long as he opened the door.  Then this chick is like ‘I’m not causing problems, I don’t know him’ (referring to me).  Thanks Chick!!!  Perfect!!  Throw me under the bus (not literally)!!  So suddenly I’m Mr. Crazy???  Then this bus driver was saying ‘because I was thinking of pulling over but I don’t want any problems’.  So I calmly walked over to the curb.  He pulled over.  We got on the bus, and I showed him my bus pass, neither of us making eye contact, and I went to my seat feeling like the ‘unreasonable one’.  I didn’t wake up in the morning thinking I would intimidate a Bus Driver into taking me to the subway station.  I always thought that if I stood patiently at a bus stop, that he would just pick me up and there’d be no drama.  If he did his job properly, none of this would have happened, but that’s not really even why it happened.  It’s because he, like 75% of people out there can’t admit he made a mistake.  Why is that so hard for people?  I wouldn’t have been mad if he just opened the door after he realized he screwed up, but why does he have to start telling stories (like nobody was standing there)?  Just do your best, admit to your mistakes, and you will be forgiven.  I’ll never understand why people have to go through life with this ‘perfect record’ of never being wrong, even if it means they have to make things up to support it.  It’s dumb!

 

 

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August 27, 2012

B.A.N. – Boycott Acronyms Now

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Acronyms are completely out of control!  Most horrible fads that are taking place right now are just being ignored by me until they go away.  That’s not always how I like to deal with things, but it does work occasionally.  They say to do that with bees if you’re afraid of them.  ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away.’  That doesn’t work for me, so I maneuver my upper body to dodge them.  Like Muhammad Ali arrogantly moving his head away from a punch, or like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix.  Except instead of dodging punches and bullets, I’m dodging tight jeans and 80s glasses (If you visualize these things actually slowly flying towards me, and me moving away from them in slow motion like an action star…… it’s funny….. at least in my mind it is.)

Sadly acronyms are no fad.  They are here to stay.  I’m a reasonable person.  I, myself will tell you that we picked up some KFC on the way home yesterday, and I have enough leftovers in the fridge that I can probably eat it again after I’m finished this blog.  Kentucky Fried Chicken is a mouthful (both figuratively and literally) and it makes sense to shorten it to KFC.  That, my friends, is a great acronym.

What makes a great acronym???  It’s an instantly recognizable short form for something.  What makes a not-so great acronym?  That is a much longer answer……

Here are some dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) when it comes to using or inventing acronyms.  I feel strongly about these, and would like somebody to lobby for legislation.  Yes….. the government needs to get involved.  All governments!!!  This is becoming a worldwide epidemic.

1.  First of all, if you have a business, and want an acronym for your business, you should have to do at least $50 million dollars a year in annual sales to get an acronym.  That’s right!!!  An acronym should be earned, not just taken.  If you’re business name is ‘The Guy That Sells Carpet in Pittsburgh”, you are not GSCP!!!  Unless you are the only person selling carpet in Pittsburgh, and everyone there knows you because everyone there walks on your carpet every day because you have a monopoly on carpet there……. then you are GSCP!!  BTW, GSCP is ‘Goldman Sachs Capital Partners’ or ‘Global Supply Chain Planning’ or ‘Ground Support Computer Program’ etc.

2a.  This is an extension of the first one, but if you don’t have a strong enough brand, and the acronym doesn’t take, then stop pushing for it.  A great example is the Bank of Montreal.  They are proud sponsors of Toronto Raptors basketball (yes I still watch them).  They have been trying to re-brand themselves as BMO for as long as I care to remember, yet in their commercials they say “BMO -Bank of Montreal”.  You shouldn’t be allowed to do that.  If you want an acronym so badly, then let it ride and call yourself BMO!!  If you don’t think that the public ‘gets it’, then abort the acronym and call yourself Bank of Montreal.  You can’t do both, it’s redundant and stupid.  I say a 2 year maximum on this foolishness.  Shit or get off the pot.  BMO-Bank of Montreal has been doing this for many years.  Maybe it’s because BMO is the ‘British Mathematical Olympiad’ or ‘Business Management Office’ or ‘Ballistic Missile Organization’

2b.  Also on the topic of redundancy…… if another kid comes up to me and says ‘YOLO… you only live once’, I’m gonna strangle them.  I’m happy you kids are learning new slang through rap songs.  Half of what I know in this world I learned through rap songs, but…….  don’t say YOLO, and then explain what it means to me in the next sentence.  Either say ‘YOLO’ (only if you think I’ll understand without further explanation), or say ‘you only live once’.  Saying both is like driving with one foot on the gas, and the other one on the brake at the same time.  Only people who don’t know how to drive do that.  YOLO can also stand for ‘Yell Out Loud Obnoxiously’, ‘You’re Only Lesbian Online’, ‘You Only Love Oreos’ (I shit you not by the way).

3.  Finally, the texting language.  I hoped this would go away, but it won’t.  It’s just going to get worse, and I predict we will get a full novel in text form within the next 5 years.  It’s inevitable.  Actually, that was a pretty good idea.  The media would be all over that.  If any of you decide to do this, I want 5% of the gross.  I have boycotted ‘LOL’.  I did it years ago.  I remember at first I had no idea what it meant.  I probably could have looked it up, but never bothered.  I just waited until somebody told me.  It’s stupid.  Nobody laughs out loud that often.  If somebody texts me something funny, I just say Haha.  Way better.  I could be LOL-ing or just politely Haha-ing.  Nobody can tell.  I guess a few texting short forms are OK, but I feel like it’s getting out of hand too.  Congratulations to anyone that was going to call me out on BTW-ing earlier.  I was just testing to see if you were paying attention.  These are good ones.  SMH on the other hand…… I thought it meant ‘suck my hole’ for the last 2 years.  In hindsight I’m not proud that it was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I saw the acronym for ‘Scratching My Head’.  It wasn’t until I got an SMH waaaay out of context that I realized it couldn’t mean that.  It could also mean ‘St. Michael’s Hospital’ or ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ or ‘Sanitary Man Hole’.

All alternate acronym definitions were courtesy of www.acronymfinder.com.  Yes…. there is such a thing, and you wouldn’t believe how out of control it’s gotten.  Let’s just B.A.N. this now!  B.A.N. can also stand for ‘Bachelor of Arts in Nursing’ or ‘Brothers Across Nigeria’ or ‘Budget Allocation Notice’

 

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August 7, 2012

Olympinions

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m as much of a sucker for the Olympics as I previously blogged about being for Disney!  Maybe more-so.  This is my chance to avidly follow people I don’t know playing sports I’ve never watched before, and do so passionately.  I practically threw the converter in heartbreak when the Canadian women’s soccer team lost to the U.S. today.  It’s the first women’s soccer game I’ve ever watched.  I like the idea that people have spent their entire lives preparing for a moment that in some cases lasts under a minute.  Not saying I’d do it……but I will happily watch someone else do it.  It’s inspiring.  There are a lot of emotional moments.  I ‘almost cry’ a lot during the Olympics.  Shut up man… you probably do too!!

Like anything in this world worth watching, the Olympics aren’t perfect.  There’s always some crazy controversy surrounding some of the events.  I have opinions on some of these matters, but I’m going to steer this blog toward some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last week while watching the Olympics.

In no particular order…….(Some of this may be wildly inaccurate)

– I feel bad for the badminton teams that got kicked out because they tried to throw the match.  A lot of times it’s the coaches, and powers that be that make these decisions to do something dumb like throw a match.  The athletes are the ones that pay the price.  I feel this way about steroids as well, and don’t give me the business about the ‘athlete should just say no’.  It doesn’t always work that way.

– I think there are too many swimming medals.  I’m not trying to say that Michael Phelps isn’t the greatest Olympian ever, but other sports don’t award like 5 or 6 medals for doing the same thing (just at different distances).  A Judo guy can only win one medal, so can a basketball team.  They have to play a lot of matches to get there.  If you’re the fastest swimmer in the world and you know a few different strokes, there’s no shortage of medal possibilities.  I find it anti-climactic to see a swimmer not win a medal, but then get 5 more shots at it.

– I had a friend suggest to me last night that there should be retractable diving boards so divers wouldn’t hit their heads.  I agree with this.  I don’t like hearing about divers hitting their heads on the board.  It’s dangerous.  I know that’s part of the sport and it adds to the level of difficulty, but safety should come first.  Everybody wants professional football and hockey to lower their concussion rate….. why not diving.  If they can make an Ipod smaller than a Triscuit, then someone could invent the retractable diving board.

– Some dude threw a plastic bottle onto the track just before the 100 metre sprint finals.  Apparently he’s gone to court and plead not-guilty.  Here’s the thing……How much of a jackass do you have to be to spend the money to go to the Olympics (which I’m sure isn’t the easiest to get tickets for, especially the 100 metre final), and think that it’s a good idea to throw something onto the track like you’re the show that everyone came to see?  Like somehow, with your graceful throwing of the water bottle you could somehow upstage (arguably) the most anticipated event in the entire games?  Big time jackass is the answer I’m looking for.  Will he get a fine?  Prison time?  I don’t know, but I’m a firm believer in ironic punishments.  Since this guy wants to be the show, I think they should string him up naked (as well as some of his closest friends, because the only reason you throw a bottle at a track meet is for a story to tell your friends, and if he has the type of friends that would be impressed by such a story, then they deserve to be punished as well) in front of the entire crowd at the 4X100 relay finals, and invite all the finalists from the 100 meter to come out with a bucket of empty bottles.  Set the timer for 10 minutes and let these sprinters throw the bottles at their idiotic naked bodies from point blank range for 10 straight minutes while the crowd enjoys what I call Olympic Spirit, and Ironic Justice!!

Those are my Olympinions.  What are yours?

 

 

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants

July 24, 2012

Things a bird would rather do

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was on the golf course today.  I didn’t play well.  In fact, a better way to describe it would be to say that the course kicked my ass today!  During a bad round of golf you have lots of time to think.  If you’re on a nice golf course (which I was today courtesy of a friend who had won free foursome at a previous tournament he played in), you are bound to think once or twice about how beautiful nature can be (provided it’s not raining).

I saw a bird today just soaring in the wind.  I’ll call him a hawk because he was black with a huge wingspan, but to be honest I don’t differentiate birds well.  This hawk was cruisin’ man…..  he was just swayin’ in the breeze.  Not flapping his wings at all, just going whichever way the wind took him.  Just relaxing.  Just being free.  For about 10 minutes (like any normal person) I thought ‘wow man’……..imagine being that free.  Up in the sky without a care in the world just soaring.  Beautiful!  Then for the rest of the day I thought about this……

I’ll bet birds fuckin hate flying around all the time.  It seems great to us because we can’t do it.  I’ll bet a bird would give anything to walk as briskly as a human can walk or operate a motorized vehicle.  Or go inside when it’s raining.  All birds can do is fly around.  They eat worms.  I feel like they would absolutely love to sit at a table and enjoy a nice steak dinner with a bottle of Cabernet.  They build nests, but if they could purchase a 2000 square foot home pre-construction and have the thing built for them, I think they would.  They communicate with each other with their bird-calls, but do you know how hard it is to hear someone when the wind is blowing in your little bird ears and you’re flying around?  I’m sure they would love to own cell phones to talk or text.

It’s funny how we think our lives suck so badly, and we’re always so sure that the grass is greener on the other side.  Yes it would be nice to fly away from an awkward conversation.  Yes it would be amazing to shit on somebody’s car if you didn’t like them.  My favourite bird activity would be to sit on an electrical wire and say ‘haha fuckers…. you can’t do this!!!!’

Birds can fly which is pretty cool, granted.  Can they breakdance?  Can they tell jokes?  Can they go to the movies?  Can they write in Calligraphy?  Can they go out for ice cream?  (Trick question, they absolutely can, but they cannot purchase it… they must wait for it to be spilled.)  Can they play Twister?  Can they take a business class?  Can they wear basketball shoes?  Can they do laundry?  (No, but score a point for them) Can they use the internet?  Can they make smoothies?  The answer is no!

To tie this all together beautifully, I’d like to suggest that maybe being human isn’t so bad after all.  Particularly in the first world.  Is there a strong allure to making a lot of noise with no repercussion, and hanging out with your friends anywhere at anytime?  Yes they both interest me, but I think most of you would have to admit that being a bird, while cool for a few minutes, would generally be undesirable in comparison to being human.  That’s all I’m saying.  I know this isn’t a huge burning debate or anything, but I thought I’d weigh in.

On a sidenote, I can’t eat salmon without thinking I’m going to puncture my throat with little fish bones and choke to death.  However salmon is delicious so I brave through the anxiety.  Now you know something about me 🙂

That is all.

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 16, 2012

No please, really…. inconvenience me!!! Life really is all about you, I swear!

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

On the bus/streetcar/subway………

I’m so glad you feel comfortable enough on this bus to bring your take-out food, and eat a full-on meal here in front of me.  I think this is an important step in our relationship as complete strangers.  Ohhh the aroma, what is that??  Maybe you could give me the address of the place where you picked that up.  I’m so interested in your dining experience, I just wish there was something I could do to make you more comfortable.  Maybe I could stand, so you could put your food down.  Maybe I have napkins in my pocket.  I can’t believe this stupid bus doesn’t have a drink holder for you.  It’s so innovative of you to think of eating here, and providing a dual purpose for this vehicle which until you got here was only good for transportation.

I love the way you put your makeup on while riding the subway.  It’s amazing that I’m able to witness the entire transition on my commute to work in the morning.  It’s not just lipstick with you, is it?  You’ve got the whole case here.  This is going to be valuable for me to see you do this in a moving vehicle no less. I’ll cross my fingers while you do your eye makeup.  I hope you’re done before I get to work so I can see the finished product.  I know you’ll look like an absolute princess when you’re done and it means a lot to me that you allowed me to see the blank canvas first, and that now I know how it must feel to be inside of your bathroom.  No really…. Thank you!  I feel closer to you!

Dude, that seat on the bus that you’re on is really a 2-seater.  I mean it’s a love seat.  It only makes sense for you to sprawl out.  It’s important to me that you’re as relaxed and comfortable as possible.  There’s only an off chance that someone else would want to sit in the other seat, and besides…. you got here first!  You and your friend are chillin hard right now, so it’s only sensible that you re-create the conditions of your living room.  You should really talk louder too.  I don’t know if your buddy can hear you over the annoying rumbling of the train engine, and the other people on the train.  You should really sit as far apart from each other as possible, because you’re saying some really interesting deep stuff right now, and I think the rest of the train can benefit from hearing it.  Thank you for being open and generous with your thoughts.  You’re really making the rest of us feel welcome.

Oh and the guy with the iPod???  You are groovin up a storm.  The way you’re actually rapping some of the lyrics out loud is like entertainment for me.  You are mad talented, and I feel like Drake is right here on the subway train.  I might need an autograph after this.  How can I get that song on my iPod?  The way you’re doing a live rendition of it???  I should be so lucky to have live entertainment on my work commute.  I didn’t even have to pay for a ticket.  Man…. you’re dancing like nobody’s watching!!!!  That is philosophically in alignment with every bit of ‘life advice’ I’ve ever received.  I can only hope that some day I might have the courage to do the same.  You inspire me!!

NOT

7 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

July 10, 2012

11:24 Thoughts for your consideration

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

First of all let me say this.  I don’t think anybody that really knows me including myself thought that I would blog this many Mondays in a row.  I really thought after 4 or 5 weeks I’d start to slack.  I’ve done about 12 blogs (I say about, because I’m not going to switch pages to check the exact number….. it’s not about the number, it’s about the fact that I think the number is big), and I’ve been pleasantly surprised by how many people have read, and claimed to enjoy them.  I feel responsible to give you some water cooler talk worthy mind candy to suck on…..but it’s 11:24 pm.  I’m sleepy.  I played 18 holes of golf, and played in a basketball game later.  You must think I’m quite an athlete.  I’ll let you continue to think that.  I didn’t want to write just any old sloppy blog that only had one or two paragraphs.  I didn’t want to resort to pictures.  I just wanted to continue the streak so I could live to blog another day.

So here’s what I’ve decided.  I’ve gone through some of my Facebook status updates, as well as come up with a few new ones that seem worthy to give you my list of

10 THOUGHTS FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION (in no particular order of importance)

1.  To be BI and POLAR would make you one interesting bear.

2.  I’d take vacation accrual over a cruel vacation.

3.  Why at the Pie Eating Contest in the movie ‘Stand By Me’ was EVERYBODY’s vomit purple, even if they hadn’t had any pie?

4.  Hipsters look like rejects from a WHAM! video audition…… just sayin’

5.  Until dogs stop sniffing crotch, asshole, and shitting on the ground, they should not be allowed to enter retail stores.

6.  I’m tired of what some athlete or entertainer said on their twitter page being reported on the fucking news.  That’s not news, it’s gossip.  Do your fucking jobs news-people.  You suck!

7.  Man…… It’s 11:47, there’s no way I’m coming up with 4 more of these in the next 13 minutes…..  C’mon man, you can do it…… just like high school.  OK…… I hate it when people make lists and then cop out at number 7 and just say a bunch of random shit, and try to pass it off as one of the 10 things he promised to blow your mind with.  It was supposed to be like Candy.

8.  I really think that the song Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer teaches children that racism and prejudice is OK, as long as Christmas gets saved.  It’s appalling if you really listen.

9.  Mojito flavoured beer is ridiculous.  If you’re beer is so shitty that you need to make it taste like a mojito, then you’re on the wrong track.  Even dumber are the people that buy it.  If you’re in the mood for mojito, make a mojito, case closed.  There’s no logical explaination for mojito beer!!

10.  Ever notice that when David Letterman does his top 10 list, that the last one is never one of the better ones, and it ends up being anti climactic?

10 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

June 4, 2012

The popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I had to go to the dentist this morning, and before you read too far, this is not about popcorn kernels being stuck in my teeth only to be found and removed professionally.  It’s more a metaphor for minor annoyances that have been accumulating in my brain (plaguing my existence).  Probably not worth logging on to Facebook or Twitter to update my status (no, I don’t have those apps for my phone…… I don’t have any apps for my phone…… I keep thinking if I ignore technology long enough, it will go back to the way it was……. no??…… not happening??…….it’s just gonna get worse???…..damn..).  I was hoping if I had enough random thoughts, that the whole could be greater than the sum of its parts since I really didn’t think of a humdinger of a topic to stick with for the entire blog.

So I awoke this morning and decided it was time to reach back in the closet and pull out my funniest tee-shirt.  It’s a picture of a gingerbread man with a broken leg.  The caption says “Oh Snap!”  I giggled like a 12-year-old girl when I bought it.  The punchline is funny enough but you have to see the look of concern on his little face.  He knows there’s no surgery that’s bringing that leg back, but while enduring the most horrible physical pain he’s ever gone through, he has the levity to deliver a quality tee-shirt punchline.  How could my day be anything short of amazing now.  I did some background research for this paragraph (to make sure it wasn’t from a movie or something) and apparently the “Oh Snap” Gingerbread man makes an appearance on coffee mugs.  One of the sites I googled referred to this as ‘Cookie Humor’, a concept I was unaware of, but now find myself curious about.  Just off the top of my head, if I had to come up with ‘Cookie Humor’ tee-shirts I would start with a picture of Chewbacca with a bunch of brown spots all over him and call it ‘Chocolate Chip Wookies’.  (Shazzzammmmm….. I know I shouldn’t celebrate my jokes, but c’mon, that shit was gold)

Moving along to the rants…….

I hate it when the chick at the drive thru takes your order, and is waiting for you when you arrive at the window, and then acts annoyed that you don’t have your money ready yet.  “Bitch, I was driving!!”………

I got this one from a buddy.  Union Station in Toronto was flooded the other day due to heavy rains, and my friend saw a guy berating a transit employee because ‘This is Toronto, and it’s unacceptable!!’, as if the guy made it rain and is now really happy about standing knee-deep in it trying to clean up.  Lighten up jerk off!………

Body odor on the bus is my next thing.  I talk about this all the time.  I’m ok with the old man who pissed himself.  It smells, but he’s old, and sometimes when your old, you have to piss yourself, and it’s terrible, but I don’t judge.  I’m ok with the homeless people who smell.  I hate being around it, but I understand that when you’re homeless, B.O. is the least of your worries, so I tolerate it.  However, when I see a guy who I know has a job and a home, and he smells because he doesn’t shower often enough or wear deodorant, and I’m stuck with him on the bus???  It drives me nuts.  deodorant $5.  Axe Spray $5, FANCY Soap $5, Regular Soap way less, not ruining my friggin bus ride to work????  Priceless……….

Even though I’m so quick to complain about people, I don’t come from a family of malcontents, so when I hear my father make fun of someone I LOVE it because he’s such a nice guy, and it’s just not in his nature.  This is for all you golfers out there with more money than brains.  We love waiting behind you at the first tee watching you brag about all your golf equipment, decked out in the finest golf apparel, opening the new package of balls which promises more distance on your drives.  Then given a choice of 4 tees, you pick the championship tournament tees at the back to hit from because your such a hero, then we watch you duff your first shot a pissy 30 yards into the bushes.  Satisfying!  Get lessons dummy!

🙂

 

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized