Some mornings I wake up and wish I was going to the roller rink so I could tell the DJ to put on ‘Lovely Day’ by Bill Withers and I would do the most kick ass roller skating routine ever….. and I would win a trophy…..and hundreds of people would be cheering, and I’d be drinking a 7Up like ‘yeah’…. and I’d get the girl in the end… you know, the one that it seemed like I might have had a chance with, but there was also a chance that it wasn’t gonna work out probably because of some other guy, but then somehow my roller skating performance cemented the outcome, and of course my enemies come around and end up being cool with me…. and then I would be back in high school again, and I would probably be a misunderstood nerd, but somehow the most popular girl in the school would need help graduating, and because I’m a nerd, I help her, and then near the end of the school year there’s a prom or something, and I end up going with her instead of her going with the captain of the football team, and me going with an equally nerdy girl who I’d probably have more in common with, and there’d be a subplot where the football team wanted to kill me, but then I’d do something really cool and all my enemies would be cool with me….. and then I’d be a vampire who ate Cheetos…..constantly…. instead of blood, and all the other vampires thought I was an idiot, and I’d fall in love with a girl who wasn’t a vampire, and I’d have to protect her from the others….and even though I was hundreds of years old I’d act as vulnerable as an 11-year-old, and everyone would overlook my long fingernails, and then somehow I’d destroy all the other vampires (except the ones who were cool with me) and get the girl in the end….. then I’d be a pilot or an astronaut or something, but I’d have a drinking problem or something, but my flying skills would be unparalleled, and all of the other pilots or astronauts or whatever would resent me because “Nobody’s ever flown like that before” and the teacher/princess/’by the book’ co-worker who didn’t like me taking risks would develop an unreasonable attraction towards me which she would try to deny herself of until she just couldn’t take it any more because I was in some kind of danger or something, and her boyfriend showed his true colours by revealing himself as a completely insensitive asshole…… I of course would successfully complete the mission, get the girl, and convert the non-believers……. and then I’m a cop with a checkered past who keeps getting suspended because I let trying to catch bad guys get in the way of proper department protocol….. but then when I’m suspended, I do a bunch of police work anyways, because I am JUST THAT PASSIONATE about being a cop. I get partnered up with someone I have nothing in common with even though I’ve made it perfectly clear that I HATE working with partners….. somehow through all of this, we develop a close relationship, and after 3 or 4 days of arguing we form the strongest bond ever and nobody could ever tear us apart! We catch the bad guys, make the guys who took over the case (when I got suspended) look like idiots, get reinstated, are awarded medals presented by the Police Commissioner who now thinks we’re the greatest thing ever because we make him look good, and I get the girl (oh…. there was no girl in this one…… let’s call her the hostage???)……then I’m trying out for the varsity team, but I’m too small (even though my heart is HUGE!!!!!!!), and the coach won’t play me because my marks are bad, so I get a tutor who only agrees to help me if I’m ‘all in – no excuses’, but the thing is I can’t read, so we have to go study like crazy, and this is all done ‘montage style’, and during the montage I’m also playing the sport that I’m trying out for and slowly getting better with a buddy on the team who believes in me when everyone else doesn’t. I pass the big test, get re-instated, help the team win the big game, and get the girl (tutor)…… then……. I realize that I have to go to work and that’s enough of that. End Scene.
Category Archives: Humor
Lord Of The Ring
I have a few rant topics, but they got backburnered for this story. This is the story of how I lost my wedding ring. I’ll call it Lord of the Ring. Not because there are any Lords, or even Hobbits or Wizards for that matter. It does involve a ring. My ring. Which I lost. Here’s how.
Pay attention to these details. There will be quiz.
I went to visit my parents over the summer. They have a swimming pool. This plays a part in the story. Present were both of my parents, my mom’s friend from out-of-town (and country), my sister, my wife, my son (who was still inside of my wife), and me. I decided to go swimming which I almost never do. As I got changed, I took off my ring (mistake number one), and put it in the pocket of my shorts (mistake number two), which I left on the couch in their office on the main floor. When I was done swimming, I went to the bathroom to get changed. My wife offered to grab my clothes for me, which she did, and I changed in the main floor bathroom. This is no more than 20 feet away from where the clothes were sitting while I was swimming. I put my clothes on, but forgot to put on my ring (mistake number three). I had a drink, I had dinner, and I probably stayed for a cup of tea. I might have sat in about 3 different chairs. Later we went home. Five minutes after I got home, I remembered about my ring, and I checked my pocket. It wasn’t there. I checked my night table in case I had already emptied my pockets. It wasn’t there. I checked the floor in case it had fallen during the transfer. It wasn’t there. I called my dad and explained what happened. He started looking in their office. I went out to check the car. I couldn’t find it. I called back. He couldn’t find it. I got back in the car and drove over there. My parents and their house guest were out on the front lawn with flashlights (as it was now dark outside), looking for my ring.
Was it…….
a) in the bathroom? Did it fall out when I put my shorts on? Wouldn’t I have heard it rattle around as it hit the floor?
b) in the office? Under a couch cushion? On the floor? There is a rug in there, so if it fell out, I might not have heard it depending on where it landed.
c) anywhere in or out of the house where I might have sat? I did sit out on the deck. Did it fall out of my pocket, roll in between two boards, and fall under the deck?
d) in the house guest’s luggage? It was on the same couch in which my clothes were while I was swimming. Did it fly out into her open suitcase?
e) outside on the front lawn or in the garden? Did I casually yank out my key chain on the way to the car which has enough keys to have legitimately pulled the ring out, and flung it into the bushes?
The answer?? None of the above.
We gave up our search that night, and they vowed to look again in the morning when there was more light. I headed over the next day to look for myself. Nothing! How could this happen? It could only be in a few places. It’s not like I lost it at an amusement park or a shopping mall. It’s my parent’s house. I knew that it was gone 5 minutes after I got home, so it’s not like I lost it from the front door to my bedroom. I checked the car again. We checked my parent’s place again and again. Nothing!
I have to give credit where it’s due. My wife was really cool about it. Some women wouldn’t have been. I just felt sad about it though. I was only married under a year and a half when it happened. At least I still had my wife. I could always get another ring, but it wasn’t that much of a priority, plus I always held out hope that it would show up one day. As the fall came around and the lady that helps my mom out with her gardening did one last search outside, I knew I was going to have to get used to the idea that this ring was gone.
Tonight I went grocery shopping. My grocery store has a ‘coinstar’ which is a machine that you can dump all of your loose change into, and it counts it for you, and gives you a voucher so you can get money from the cashier. I have a bin that I throw all of my loose change into, and then when I’m about to go on vacation I’ll see how much I have, and use it as spending money on my trip. It was actually overflowing, so even though I’m not leaving yet, I had to bring it in early. As I started to feed the money in, didn’t my goddamn wedding ring jump out of the pail and into the coinstar machine. (So I obviously went home that night, emptied my change and inadvertently, my ring into this bin, and then 5 minutes later thought about the ring, and spent months looking everywhere except one of the most obvious places.) As soon as I saw it my mind could barely comprehend it in time. I had to first process what it was, and then grab it quick before it jammed up the machine. I can just picture the emotional rollercoaster of finding my wedding ring which I thought I’d never see again, and then losing it in the coinstar machine and the fiasco that would have ensued with me trying to get it out of there.
I was so excited that I called my mom. My father passed away in the fall, so he doesn’t know I found it. Or maybe he does. I just wish I could have told him this story. He would have laughed his ass off.
🙂
Holiday Retail Pet Peeves
So it’s New Year’s Eve, and I’ve cancelled all plans to bring you this blog. I said I would blog on Mondays, and I won’t be stopped. Not even for the biggest party night of the year! Don’t worry about me though. I’m fully equipped with a bottle of wine, 4 different kinds of cheese, and a screaming baby in the background. I’ll get through this.
I’ve spent a few chunks of my adult life as a Retail Manager, and during the holiday shopping season the job description includes being a sales person and letting my paperwork pile up. I don’t mind that. I like being on the sales floor (when I’m in a good mood, and I find people tolerable). The holidays only come around once a year and it’s time to get that money if you’re a retailer.
I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of people talk about their holiday shopping nightmares, and you’ve probably had some yourself. Let me tell you that on the other side of that equation it’s not all rainbows and puppy dogs either. It’s more like caffeine and tolerance. For I have crossed path with every pigeon brained bozo allowed to roam the malls freely, and it’s changed the way I view humanity.
Here are (just) a few of my Holiday Retail Pet Peeves…….
– People who say ‘just looking’ after you say hello to them. I didn’t ask why you were here…. I just said hello. I kind of don’t mind this if I think you don’t speak English, but I find it kind of rude the rest of the time. I’m sure you think that I’m some crazy shark of a sales person (which is true) who’s going to hound you until you buy something (which isn’t true), and I’m sure that you’ve been victimized in the past by somebody very slick that has ridden you around the store like a donkey, and made your life completely miserable. So maybe it’s a defence mechanism to avoid situations like that. I understand, but I still don’t think it’s reasonable that when someone says ‘Hello’, or ‘How are you?’ that you should treat them like a non-human by saying ‘just looking’. Show a bit of courtesy by answering the question you were asked. You’re a guest in my store. Be polite!
– People who come in on December 23rd to try to resolve warranty issues. Don’t you know that this is the absolute busiest day of the entire year? You’re bringing me this issue that you could bring to me ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, and you chose today?? Have some respect!!
– People who try to get price adjustments for ANY reason whatsoever. If there’s a sale, and you weren’t there, you missed it. Too bad. If you bought something and the price lowered a week later, too bad! Why are you visiting items you’ve already purchased anyways. Part of buying something when its new is paying full price. If you wait until it’s stale, then maybe you get a discount. You shouldn’t be able to have it both ways, and any store that accommodates this is stupid. The customer is almost always WRONG. Let’s get the culture back to that reality. My favourite is when they come in whining about how they missed out on a promotion, and tell you it’s not fair (like a 4-year-old). Cancer isn’t fair!! You missing out on a sale is just fine in the grand scheme of things. Grow up!
– People that leave their Christmas shopping until December 23rd, and expected shit to be sweet when they get to the mall. They can’t believe an item isn’t in stock. They can’t believe there’s such a huge lineup at the cash. They can’t believe nothing is on sale. BELIEVE IT! It’s December 23rd!! I won’t lie. I’ve left my shopping for the 23rd many a year, but I never walked into a store with lofty expectations of how awesome my shopping experience would be. That’s just ignorant.
– People who have really detailed specific desires of a gift they want to buy someone, but nobody sells it or makes it. Like that purple sweater with a red stripe. They come in asking for ridiculousness, and then they’re mad when you don’t sell it. Then they tell you sad stories about them looking EVERYWHERE for it, and then asking for recommendations about where they might find it at another store, as if any reasonable human being would know where to find a purple sweater with a red stripe. Then the whole frustration conversation about ‘why doesn’t anybody sell this’, and before you can say ‘because it’s ugly’ or ‘I really don’t have time for your stories’ or ‘only a loser would want that’, you’re knee-deep in a conversation about the holidays and gift exchanging with someone you’ve never met, and would love to never see again, until getting stabbed in the eye with a fork seems like the lesser of the two evils. It’s December 23rd! Either lower your expectations or purchase a gift card, but either way, please stop talking to me and get out of my store.
– People who call the store to see if you have something in stock, but nobody can get to the phone, so they leave a voicemail with no name, and a mumbled phone number. Why do people always talk so slowly during the message, and then zip through the phone number which is the most important part. Then they don’t leave a name either, so I have to call back this number which I’m not even sure is accurate, and ask whoever picks up the phone if somebody called my store earlier?? WTF.
I’ve got a million of them, but I’ll leave it at that for now. Happy New Year everybody!
Merry…. Happy….. Never Mind
Being Canadian has to be the weirdest around holidays. Especially in Toronto where there are so many different people from around the world living here. Different cultures, different religions… I take it for granted now, but it’s pretty amazing that we all get along the way we do. Relatively speaking anyways. We still don’t really get along as well as we could, especially around the holidays.
I deal with the public for a living. When someone I’ve been dealing with leaves, I say ‘have a great day’. I say this during the day. I say this at night. I say this every day of the week. I say this on Holidays, both national and religious. It’s my thing. Have a great day. Nobody gets offended. Nor should they. It’s very Canadian to not want to offend anyone.
I first became aware of different cultural beliefs when there was a student in my class whose parents made an arrangement to have them ‘pulled’ from the room every morning when we said the Lord’s Prayer. I think this was Grade 1, and it was quite some time ago, because we sang the national anthem (which I’m sure they still do), but then we followed it with the Lord’s Prayer. That seems crazy to me now for public school to do that, but they did. I guess they figured we were all cool with that. I felt bad for the kid though. It’s just embarrassing to be pulled from the class for 2 minutes a day for any reason. I don’t know if the parents thought this kid would turn into a raging Christian or what, but they didn’t want to take any chances.
As the years went by, more and more immigrants descended on Toronto. They stopped doing the Lord’s Prayer in Public Schools at some point. Which I agree with. People can go to church for that. It should be optional. There are lots of churches here or temples or whatever you need for whatever religion you are. I guess different people’s belief systems make them who they are, and inform them on how to interact in the world. It’s truly interesting and sometimes fun that there are so many, but when Christmas rolls around??? Not so much fun.
The consensus seems to be that in order to be sensitive to everybody here, that we shouldn’t be wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’. Even if it is Christmas, and there’s no competing holiday for any other religion on that day. The politically correct term we can use is ‘Happy Holidays’. That’s more inclusive. I’m OK with that. I’ll go with the majority. If I’m dealing with the public, I don’t want to assume that you celebrate Christmas. I don’t want to assume that if you did, that you could or would be able to have a happy or merry one. So sometimes I say ‘Happy Holidays’ which is recommended. Most of the time I say ‘Have a great day’ which is even less offensive.
Here’s the real problem. Why is Merry Christmas offensive?? December 25th is Christmas whether you celebrate it or not. When I wish you a Happy Christmas, I’m wishing you a Happy Day. I’m not telling you to go to church, I’m not telling you to sell out your own god, I’m not telling you to decorate your house, I’m not telling you to sacrifice a goat, I’m just wishing you Happy Days. Sunday Monday Happy Days. Tuesday Wednesday Happy Days. Thursday Friday Happy Days. Saturday, what a day, groovin all week with you. You know the rest. I’m just wishing you a happy day. Why is that offensive?? If you said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn’t be offended because I’m not Jewish. I’d be happy that you shared some positive words with me. I’d list off a few other examples, but I really don’t know that much about the other religious holidays. Just know that if your religion has a holiday where it’s customary to wish somebody well during that time, you can wish me well, and I would be happy that you did. Not offended, that’s absurd.
To make matters COMPLETELY worse, I’ve noticed a lot of Canadians who do celebrate Christmas posting stuff on their Facebook that is making is seem like ‘Happy Holidays’ is offensive to them because we should be saying Merry Christmas, and never mind what everybody else thinks about it. I understand the sentiment, but really??? You’re badmouthing ‘Happy Holidays’????
Everybody needs to just calm the fuck down!
Whether you believe in Jesus, Santa Claus or somebody or something else, or none of the above…… Christmas is a time to be cool. You’re not being cool! No matter what religion you are part of, the major holidays are about being with your family, friends and spreading good cheer. It’s not about money, expectations, stress and nonsense. All this arguing is bringing me down man. It’s petty. Grow Up!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Have a Great Day!!
R
Is Knitting Cool Now?
Anytime I see something out of the ordinary 4 different times in the same day, I have to assume that it is the ‘next cool thing’. I don’t receive whatever memo gets sent around, and I’m not on the same wave-length as whatever pop-star, or reality show actor (did I just say actor?) is setting the trends these days. As a result I’m often late to the party. I’m just a stand-by passenger on the ‘cool plane’. The last to board assuming I even get a seat. I do ride the subway system though, so if I seem to have my finger on the pulse of urban trends, it’s because if I can stay awake long enough, it will smack me in the face. What smacked me in the face this past week was young people knitting…..EVERYWHERE! Guys too! I mean girls get a pass on this, but young guys knitting? I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I compromised with subtle indifference, followed by a Monday blog.
As a proud owner of several Hawaiian shirts for a 3 month stretch in 2001, I would like to state that knitting being an ‘in thing’ kind of took me by surprise. I mean, you see old people knitting all the time, but they’re from a different time, and that’s something that people did back in the day. If you needed some socks, and there wasn’t money, or a store nearby, you knitted a pair. Done! If you got good at it, maybe you made a sweater for Johnny’s birthday, or a toque for baby Felicia. There were lots of acceptable reasons to knit back in the day, and when I see old people still doing it, it’s just part of their charm, like sending handwritten letters in the mail. When I see young people doing it in thriving urban locations???? I just don’t buy it.
Is this some sort of strange and wonderful renaissance where people have discarded their ‘does everything but scratch my nuts’ mobile devices in exchange for the simple pleasures of an old school hobby? Or is this just some weird extension of hipsterism that I don’t get (not that I got any of it before this)? I think it’s a fabulous thing for the universe, that something like this could actually be ‘coming back’. It’s skillful, crafty, and all of the things that this generation doesn’t seem to be. That’s why I’m having trouble believing that this became cool for the right reasons like it’s practical and creative. I believe that a hot teen vampire must have done it in a movie. That’s the only possible explanation. Am I right?
Whatever the case may be, I saw this 4 times in the same day. Is it the next big thing? Maybe. Is it just some crazy randomness? Possibly. If you want to be on the cutting edge of cool, best to not follow my predictions. I’m full of all sorts of wonderful information, but don’t hitch your wagon to what I think is the next big thing. Also, if I can give any advice, don’t buy into a fad too early. It’s always awesome to say that you were doing ‘whatever’ before everyone else, but if not everyone else ends up doing it, and ‘whatever’ was knitting on the subway??? It might not look as cool as you think.
My favourite example was in Chinatown on the bus. There was a young guy talking to these 3 Chinese chicks (he was white). He had just the right amount of calculated deshevelment to his appearance to pull off that ‘I’m interesting, but not a bum look’. He was charming these girls, and they were eating it up. I could tell that they had just met (they might have been from out-of-town though, and giving him that ‘happy tourist’ flirting), but I was sure he was saying/doing all the right things (based on no audio, but just visual cues as I was listening to my Ipod instead of him). Then in a move that I’m sure he thought was going to put him over the top, he pulled out the knitting he was working on. They started to giggle, I’m sure he thought in a ‘wow this guy is sooo interesting’ way, but to those of us who’d been around the block a few times it was more of a ‘wow this guy is fuckin weird’ way.
The moral of that story is that even if knitting is the next big thing, if you’re a young guy, you have to make sure that everyone is fully aware of how cool knitting is before you make a play like that. It’s like holding an ace which can be the best card in the deck depending on the rules of the game you’re playing, but it can also be a one. My Chinatown guy left the bus without any phone numbers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the knitting that cost him. It was a ballsy, cutting edge move, but not a universally cool one. Maybe in 6 months after this thing takes off a bit better he would have reaped the plentiful rewards that ‘knitting for cool’ had to offer. Not yet. He’s a trailblazer though. I know that for sure! Someday he’ll be able to wear his ‘scarf of Chinatown rejection’ like a hipster badge of honour! I salute him!
Parenting Blog??? I Think I’ll Pass
I’m a new dad. Exciting times! Not as much time to blog. Not as many topics to blog about. I mean there is one new topic that I could probably write about. It would be easy. This could be a forum to document every moment of a new life. Then when he grows up I could go back and read all my own posts and have weepy nostalgic times over a beer or two.
Here’s the thing though….. This is thoughts and rants in jogging pants. While I don’t have time to sit around in my jogging pants anymore, I think I owe it to my loyal fan base whose numbers sit comfortably in double digits, to not turn this into a parenting blog. In my time on WordPress, I would have to say that at least 30% of the blogs I’ve read involved people talking about their kids. There’s nothing wrong with that. Some of my favourite bloggers do this, and I love hearing about it. I would say however, that this site is saturated with these types of posts, and not quite as full of scathing social commentary. I think I owe it to my non-paying public to keep on keepin on with the stuff I was doing before.
The other thing that weighs into this decision is that I respect the privacy of my newborn. Oh the tales I could already tell about shits he’s taken, or times he was upset with us. I don’t think it would be fair to him though. He might not want everyone knowing about his business, and when I approached him about it, he completely ignored the topic, and was totally evasive. I understand though. He doesn’t want to disappoint his old man by saying no, but if he says yes, who knows what embarrassing little stories about pissing on his sock I’ll tell the general public. Anyways, I let him off the hook. 15 days is too young to have to make a complicated decision like that, especially when you may not understand the consequences of your actions. So I’m leaving him out of this for now. Sorry baby nuts!!! (By baby nuts I mean people who are crazy about babies, not……well you know)
Here are some opinions I have about some baby related stuff though…… Since we’re here
– There is NOTHING to be gained from arriving at the pediatrician’s office early, other than disease from a bunch of other snotty nosed kids in the waiting room. Far better to wait until the last second to arrive. Even if you’re early, wait in the car.
– Stylized naked pictures of you and your baby are not art. They’re weird, and your baby will set fire to them as soon as he/she is old enough. What were you thinking?
– The happier the baby looks in an advertisement, the more likely I am to buy the product. Can you imagine how stressful it must be to be in charge of capturing those images?
– I’m really not looking forward to letting my kid watch ‘children’s television’ on the same TV that I’m supposed to be watching sports on, but I really want to find out what kind of show Toopy and Binoo is. I just like how it sounds when I say it. Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo, Toopy and Binoo……. I can do this for hours.
– When you’re in a store with your 2-year-old, be mindful of the fact that they probably don’t really want to shop at this store the same way you do, so don’t get lulled into the whole ‘I can shop with my 2 year old’ falseness. They will run around the store pulling things off the shelves, while you’re debating a cookware purchase. I often fantasize about slapping the shit out of these parents. If you ever see a silly little grin creep over my face, that’s the look of satisfaction.
I’m sure there’s more. I’m too sleepy to continue.
Dogs Don’t Like You
I see lots of people with dogs. Most people who own dogs are very passionate about it. I’m sure they’re passionate enough in some cases that I may make enemies here, but it’s time somebody said it. Your dog doesn’t like you!
Your dog doesn’t like a noose being tied around his neck and being dragged around the neighborhood, and pressured into taking a shit so you can go back inside.
Your dog doesn’t like the crazy smelling food you feed him that are ‘good for his bones and teeth’.
Your dog doesn’t like the roller coaster of emotions involving only throwing a tennis ball around when YOU’re in the mood.
Your dog doesn’t like being under house arrest, and having to make nice with you, the prison guard. He might make the best of it. After all, it’s a low security prison compared to the pet store where he was in solitary confinement.
Your dog thinks learning ‘pet tricks’ is demeaning. He does it because you give him snacks. Snacks are awesome. Everybody knows this! There isn’t, however, a dog in the world that wouldn’t prefer the killer combo of snacks AND dignity.
Your dog doesn’t like living in a neighborhood where people are always passing by the front of the house. He has to be on high friggin alert at all times! Do you have any idea how stressful that is? To not really know imminent danger from just some ordinary dude walking past the front of the house? Can’t you move to the country or something?
Your dog wants ice cream. He doesn’t like it when you take him out for ice cream, and don’t give him any. He wants some.
Finally, your dog probably doesn’t like you. He may occasionally show you a bit of affection, but it’s what’s commonly known as Stockholm Syndrome. You see, he has been kidnapped in a way. Owning a dog is not unlike owning a slave, which is soooooooo frowned upon, but other than the dog not being human, it can be pretty similar. I would say the experience is not unlike the movie Misery. The dog being James Caan, you being Kathy Bates. Don’t you think he’d rather be frolicking around in a forest or a jungle somewhere? Living by his wits? Hunting for food? Instead he’s letting us know when there’s someone at the door, and we feed him Alpo, and maybe give him the odd treat. Then we make him pee outside when the cat gets to do it inside. Then he just wants to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to rest his little doggy feet, we tell him to get the hell off and sit on the floor, so they don’t get their hair all over our precious furniture. If you don’t want dog hair in your house, then DON’T HAVE A DOG, STUPID!
The whole thing is hypocritical if you ask me. I’ll bet there’d be an outrage if I had a Panda holed up at my place eating bamboo shoots out of a can. Dogs got a raw deal man. Humans are oppressive creatures. Not to be trusted. They’ve set up a whole ‘Dog Industry’. There’s too much money in pet toys and grooming, and knitted doggie sweaters to set the dogs free. Even if we knew we were wrong (which I don’t think we do), it’s become too much of a tradition to make little Jimmy think that a furry non-human is the only thing that understands him. It’s gotta stop. It’s weird and wrong on like 723 levels.
FREE THE DOGS!! Stop chopping their balls off so they behave better (On what planet is that something you do to another living organism??) Let them run wild and free. I’m gonna get T-Shirts printed! ‘Puppy Liberation’ will be the first one. Another one could be ‘Who Let The Dogs………. Never mind, I’m sure that’s taken.
No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.
Subway Stories
I spend too much time taking public transit. I waste a good percentage of my life people watching. I figure between 6-9% of my days are devoted to this based on commute time divided by hours that I’m awake. This may be a recurring theme in my blog. Anybody that wants to write and is stuck for ideas needs to live in a big city and spend time on the bus or train. Everybody has a story, and you can either be a friendly dude and ask people for it, or you can quietly make up their story based on physical appearance, mannerisms and other evidence. I get a big kick out of speculating what a complete stranger might be spending the rest of their day doing, and what else might be going on in their lives outside of this bus ride. That’s only when I’m bored! Sometimes the things that are happening on my commute are so interesting, that I don’t even have time for these games.
The other day I saw the worst toupee I have ever seen in my entire life. I can’t even call it the worst, because I’m always strangely happy to see a bad toupee, so I will call it the best toupee I’ve ever seen. It was black, and it took up 90% of this guy’s head. Let’s just call it a wig. The problem was, you could see his white hair above his neck where the wig didn’t quite cover. Just a racing stripe of white hair at the bottom, enough so it blew his cover, and there’s no way the rest of it could pass for real hair. That was bad enough on its own, but this wig was not unlike what 70’s Elvis Presley’s hair looked like. Then I got a better look at him, and I saw that his glasses were not unlike something Elvis may have worn around that time too. I told someone this, and they said that maybe he was dressed up for some kind of festival or something, but that’s the thing…. he wasn’t. From the neck down he looked like any other guy in his 60’s. I would say if anything, his lack of flair for wardrobe combined with his Elvis theme from the neck up (mouth up really, because of the white stripe of real hair at the back) was startling. I promise, this was not some special outfit. This is how this guy looks and perceives himself. I’m positive this man looked at himself in the mirror that morning, put that wig on and thought he was the King!! He would have fit into my ‘Time Warp’ blog nicely a few months ago. It’s funny what vanity will have you do. Also ironic that the bad wig makes him look way more ridiculous than whatever he was trying to cover up with it.
Sometimes the subway train will stop for whatever reason. For a long time. I always think it’s a ‘jumper’, but I think there are various reasons including electrical problems, and construction that a train could get delayed. That doesn’t make it any less annoying when it happens, combined with being underground and having no cell phone reception to call work and let them know. If you’re like me, and you time your work commute so you arrive there 30 seconds before you start, then there’s not a huge margin for error. I could work at fixing myself, but instead I think I’ll complain about the transit system. I understand that these things happen, but my main annoyance is the announcements they make. They mumble! There’s absolutely no human being on earth or Krypton for that matter who can decipher these messages. They’re important too, but all you see is a train full of people with that wincing ‘I can’t hear’ face. If it isn’t the mumbling messenger, it’s the crappy speakers that can’t seem to handle the most basic function of capturing the human voice. Now here’s the conspiracy theory. I truly believe that they do it on purpose, and here’s why……. They are obligated to make an announcement, or else the paying customers which are trapped on this vessel in the middle of an underground tunnel will freak out. The problem is that sometimes if people knew the truth (there’s a fire… somebody’s dead…), they would freak out even more. So what do you do?? You install crappy speakers and teach your employees to mumble important announcements. I can just see them doing it on orientation day. ‘OK, now everyone grab a partner and practice sending important messages that nobody could ever possible receive’.
On Saturday I was trying to get home from work, and quickly because I had an out-of-town wedding reception to attend. I ran to the bus stop after work, and got there about 10 seconds ahead of the bus. There were 2 other people already at the bus stop. The bus driver did not pull over, but continued up the road. We all looked at each other like ‘did that just happen?’ There was no ‘Out of Service’ sign up. He just forgot to pull over. Here’s the thing though. There was a lot of traffic on the street, and he had to stop a little further up before the intersection. So we ran up to the bus, and started tapping on the door so he would let us on. This guy has the nerve to point out the bus stop up the street, and we were quick to point out that he hadn’t picked us up at the last one. He started arguing with us through the door (so I couldn’t hear him that well), and tried to say there was nobody there. Up until now I had been letting some girl handle the argument on our behalf, but then I kind of lost it, and pounded on the glass, and yelled a bit. I’m not proud of it, but the guy was pissing me off. Then he started yelling through the glass asking if I was going to cause him problems. I responded by telling him that I wouldn’t as long as he opened the door. Then this chick is like ‘I’m not causing problems, I don’t know him’ (referring to me). Thanks Chick!!! Perfect!! Throw me under the bus (not literally)!! So suddenly I’m Mr. Crazy??? Then this bus driver was saying ‘because I was thinking of pulling over but I don’t want any problems’. So I calmly walked over to the curb. He pulled over. We got on the bus, and I showed him my bus pass, neither of us making eye contact, and I went to my seat feeling like the ‘unreasonable one’. I didn’t wake up in the morning thinking I would intimidate a Bus Driver into taking me to the subway station. I always thought that if I stood patiently at a bus stop, that he would just pick me up and there’d be no drama. If he did his job properly, none of this would have happened, but that’s not really even why it happened. It’s because he, like 75% of people out there can’t admit he made a mistake. Why is that so hard for people? I wouldn’t have been mad if he just opened the door after he realized he screwed up, but why does he have to start telling stories (like nobody was standing there)? Just do your best, admit to your mistakes, and you will be forgiven. I’ll never understand why people have to go through life with this ‘perfect record’ of never being wrong, even if it means they have to make things up to support it. It’s dumb!
B.A.N. – Boycott Acronyms Now
Acronyms are completely out of control! Most horrible fads that are taking place right now are just being ignored by me until they go away. That’s not always how I like to deal with things, but it does work occasionally. They say to do that with bees if you’re afraid of them. ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away.’ That doesn’t work for me, so I maneuver my upper body to dodge them. Like Muhammad Ali arrogantly moving his head away from a punch, or like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix. Except instead of dodging punches and bullets, I’m dodging tight jeans and 80s glasses (If you visualize these things actually slowly flying towards me, and me moving away from them in slow motion like an action star…… it’s funny….. at least in my mind it is.)
Sadly acronyms are no fad. They are here to stay. I’m a reasonable person. I, myself will tell you that we picked up some KFC on the way home yesterday, and I have enough leftovers in the fridge that I can probably eat it again after I’m finished this blog. Kentucky Fried Chicken is a mouthful (both figuratively and literally) and it makes sense to shorten it to KFC. That, my friends, is a great acronym.
What makes a great acronym??? It’s an instantly recognizable short form for something. What makes a not-so great acronym? That is a much longer answer……
Here are some dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) when it comes to using or inventing acronyms. I feel strongly about these, and would like somebody to lobby for legislation. Yes….. the government needs to get involved. All governments!!! This is becoming a worldwide epidemic.
1. First of all, if you have a business, and want an acronym for your business, you should have to do at least $50 million dollars a year in annual sales to get an acronym. That’s right!!! An acronym should be earned, not just taken. If you’re business name is ‘The Guy That Sells Carpet in Pittsburgh”, you are not GSCP!!! Unless you are the only person selling carpet in Pittsburgh, and everyone there knows you because everyone there walks on your carpet every day because you have a monopoly on carpet there……. then you are GSCP!! BTW, GSCP is ‘Goldman Sachs Capital Partners’ or ‘Global Supply Chain Planning’ or ‘Ground Support Computer Program’ etc.
2a. This is an extension of the first one, but if you don’t have a strong enough brand, and the acronym doesn’t take, then stop pushing for it. A great example is the Bank of Montreal. They are proud sponsors of Toronto Raptors basketball (yes I still watch them). They have been trying to re-brand themselves as BMO for as long as I care to remember, yet in their commercials they say “BMO -Bank of Montreal”. You shouldn’t be allowed to do that. If you want an acronym so badly, then let it ride and call yourself BMO!! If you don’t think that the public ‘gets it’, then abort the acronym and call yourself Bank of Montreal. You can’t do both, it’s redundant and stupid. I say a 2 year maximum on this foolishness. Shit or get off the pot. BMO-Bank of Montreal has been doing this for many years. Maybe it’s because BMO is the ‘British Mathematical Olympiad’ or ‘Business Management Office’ or ‘Ballistic Missile Organization’
2b. Also on the topic of redundancy…… if another kid comes up to me and says ‘YOLO… you only live once’, I’m gonna strangle them. I’m happy you kids are learning new slang through rap songs. Half of what I know in this world I learned through rap songs, but……. don’t say YOLO, and then explain what it means to me in the next sentence. Either say ‘YOLO’ (only if you think I’ll understand without further explanation), or say ‘you only live once’. Saying both is like driving with one foot on the gas, and the other one on the brake at the same time. Only people who don’t know how to drive do that. YOLO can also stand for ‘Yell Out Loud Obnoxiously’, ‘You’re Only Lesbian Online’, ‘You Only Love Oreos’ (I shit you not by the way).
3. Finally, the texting language. I hoped this would go away, but it won’t. It’s just going to get worse, and I predict we will get a full novel in text form within the next 5 years. It’s inevitable. Actually, that was a pretty good idea. The media would be all over that. If any of you decide to do this, I want 5% of the gross. I have boycotted ‘LOL’. I did it years ago. I remember at first I had no idea what it meant. I probably could have looked it up, but never bothered. I just waited until somebody told me. It’s stupid. Nobody laughs out loud that often. If somebody texts me something funny, I just say Haha. Way better. I could be LOL-ing or just politely Haha-ing. Nobody can tell. I guess a few texting short forms are OK, but I feel like it’s getting out of hand too. Congratulations to anyone that was going to call me out on BTW-ing earlier. I was just testing to see if you were paying attention. These are good ones. SMH on the other hand…… I thought it meant ‘suck my hole’ for the last 2 years. In hindsight I’m not proud that it was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I saw the acronym for ‘Scratching My Head’. It wasn’t until I got an SMH waaaay out of context that I realized it couldn’t mean that. It could also mean ‘St. Michael’s Hospital’ or ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ or ‘Sanitary Man Hole’.
All alternate acronym definitions were courtesy of www.acronymfinder.com. Yes…. there is such a thing, and you wouldn’t believe how out of control it’s gotten. Let’s just B.A.N. this now! B.A.N. can also stand for ‘Bachelor of Arts in Nursing’ or ‘Brothers Across Nigeria’ or ‘Budget Allocation Notice’
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