Author Archives: Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

About Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

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I'm a music lover, an enthusiast, a diaper changer, an opinion sharer, a chicken wing consumer, a procrastinating couch sitter, an actor, a business professional, a foodie, an above average dresser, and blogger at www.thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants.com
October 29, 2013

The Proposal

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Family and friends have read this before. I had a problem with my internet yesterday, so there will be no new blog this week. This is one that the WordPress community haven’t seen yet though, and it’s the story of how I proposed to my wife. One of the better stories of my life…..Enjoy!

She is impossible to surprise! With her inquisitive scientific mind and her ability to take follow up questioning to a level that would make most lawyers blush, it is impossible to surprise her.

Part 1 – The Ring

So it’s been 8+ years. It’s never been a matter of ‘if’, it was always just a matter of ‘when’. When ‘when’ became ‘now’ I endeavored to get a ring that I thought was kickass enough that I’d enjoy looking at it for the rest of my life. This process involved home delivery which was a risky proposition. I am home these days starting up a small business while she is working for ‘the man’ during business hours. I figured this would work out OK. As soon as my purchase went through however, Visa flagged the purchase as suspicious (sadly my spending habits don’t often include jewelry), and phoned both my cell phone (which I picked up and OK’d the purchase), and my home phone (where they left a voice message for her to come home to.) FOILED! ALREADY!

Part 2 – The Taxidermy Head

So I was confronted with rapidfire questioning as soon as I got home regarding this credit card purchase. In her defence, she’s way more concerned with the integrity of my credit card not being compromised, than she is with finding out what I bought. Once she knew the credit card was safe, she (like any 8 year girlfriend) figured out what I had bought and asked me. I told her ‘Don’t worry about it’, which never works, and was buying myself some time to bullshit. You need to understand that I’m a bad liar. Lying is like anything. The more you practice, the better you become. I don’t practice it, so when the time comes I’m usually terrible. I don’t know if there is a difference between bullshit and lying. I feel I can bullshit with the best of em, but I’m no liar. “Babe, I got you a Taxidermy Head!” This is the process of stuffing a dead animal to make it look life-like according to the dictionary. She seemed disappointed and disbelieving, but all good bullshit lies in the details. “Babe, you’ll love it, it’s in perpetual ‘wink-mode’ and when you press the eyeball, a gum ball shoots out of his mouth!!!”

Part 3 – Ring Arrival

The one day she was home (long weekend trip with the girls starting that day), and the one day I was working outside of the home (furnace installation) was the day the Ring decided to arrive. I knew this so I asked the concierge to not call our suite when the deliver arrived. He signed for it and I picked it up when I got home. Sweet! But he filled out a slip that indicated there was a delivery, and dropped it into our mailbox. I forgot to pick up the mail on Friday. Guess who checked the mailbox when she got home on Sunday?? FOILED!!! AGAIN!!!! DAMMMIT!!!! “Uhhhh, the taxidermy head had a glitch. I had to send it back”

Part 4 – The Ductwork

You have to pretend this part is in black and white like a flashback in a Tarantino movie. For years, any time the topic of engagement came up, I would say that I already bought the ring, and whenever she was ready to get married, just say the word. ‘Where did you hide it?’ ‘It’s in the ductwork!’ I’ve maintained this for YEARS! Even her mother joked around about seeing flashes of light coming out of the vent from time to time.

Part 5 – The Proposal

I’ve been foiled!! She knows I have a ring! She knows she’s not getting a taxidermy head! I’ve never admitted any of this, but she’s no fool. She’s actually quite a bit smarter than I am which makes this whole mission a bit of an underdog task. If I take her out to a nice restaurant, she’ll know. If we go somewhere even remotely romantic, she’ll know. Sunday’s a good day. We’re not even hanging out together that day!! So while she’s out, I log on to the computer and buy us a short trip to Vegas. She may be expecting a ring, but she’s not expecting this. If Royal Bank Visa wants to try to block this, I’m here beside the home and cell phone. They can’t hurt me now!! So now I wait……….. I didn’t know what time she was coming home. She ended up at the movies. I tried not to call her too much, because it would be too suspicious. I never bug her when she’s out with friends.

I took the vent cover off in the kitchen and put the ring and the itenerary into the ductwork. I closed it back up. I couldn’t get one of the screws back in properly. I thought ‘who cares, I’ll be taking it off again in an hour.’

She comes home…. I play it cool….. ‘How was the movie?’ I say. ‘ The ending was really ….. blah… blah…..’ (C’mon man… Do you really expect me to remember what she said about this movie????) She starts looking up stuff online….. The A/C kicks on and the itenerary flaps up against the vent making a huge noise. “Did you hear that???” I say (Cool as a cucumber) “Yeah, it sounds like something fell” she said……….. I go and investigate…. I’m in the kitchen with a chair and a flashlight. She’s still in the office. “Hey, can you grab me a screwdriver??”…… I totally know she’s gonna get all bent out of shape about the builder, and problems with the condo and stuff. Perfect diversion……. She comes in and sees the screw that was sticking out of the vent from before. She freaks out about us not noticing that at our 2 year walk through. I say a little under my breath “Fuckin Tridel!!!” (I’m soooo cool at this point)……. I get the vent off. “What’s this??” I say passing her a piece of paper, pretending I’m disgusted……. She starts reading it…….. “Oh My God, it has your name on it” she says bewildered…..It had small typing and it was a full page, so it took her a while to figure out what it was….I know she’s trying to scientifically put together how it got there….. In the meantime, I grab the ring, get off the chair, I’m on one knee, I’ve got the ring box open. She’s still reading this friggin paper. I said “HEY!” She looks down, sees the ring, understands what’s happening. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Embrace for maybe 2 seconds…… ‘So what is this??????’ Still worried about unfinished business with this ductwork paper even though she has a shiny engagement ring to look at…. ‘It’s a Vegas Trip!’ I say….

‘Ohhhhhhh’…. Now she can enjoy…… My favourite moment, she says quietly while admiring the ring on her finger “It WAS in the ductwork!!!!”

“Told ya”

3 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

October 22, 2013

The New Solution For Everything

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

It’s time I shared some wisdom with all of you. I’m certain that you will all be astounded by the way I think outside of the box, and bring unique suggestions to the table. I aim to make the world a better place, and when this new thought dawned on me, I could have been selfish and kept this remarkable innovation to myself, but I’m not a selfish person. I want you to share with me. Let’s all get to the promised land together!

Before I blow your mind with intrigue and fascination, I wanted to give you a little bit of history on how I had this revelation. This past week my son celebrated his first birthday. This is my only child. So what that means for me is that I have celebrated one year of being a father. You can’t possibly go a whole year of fatherhood and learn nothing. I have learned plenty.

There are two major speaking points here. My son has taught me both of these things. The first will seem rather logical, and you’ll have no problem seeing the applications. The second is a little more of a scientific discovery, and I’ll have to help you with the applications so you can truly go on to live a better life.

1. If you smile at someone, they will usually smile back. If you are a really cute baby and you do it, you will see a higher percentage of returned smiles, but nevertheless, it’s a good tactic for anyone. I totally recommend it. I’ve caught myself doing it accidentally from time to time. I might be thinking of something funny, and I’m in a public place, and maybe I inadvertently smile at someone. I’ve been surprised at how often I got a returned smile. My son is just relentless. When we get into an elevator, and there’s a few people in there, he’ll make eye contact with each and every person until they all melt into a puddle on the floor (he’s that charming), and I can see the disappointment in his eyes when someone doesn’t look up at him. I know what you’re thinking….. Yes, he’s a devastatingly handsome baby, and we’re not all devastatingly handsome babies, BUT I don’t think that should stop you from smiling at people in the elevator. I’d even go as far as wagering that anybody who could start doing this for an entire year would report back to me with a much more fulfilling life. Just sayin’

2. The other thing I learned which is CRAZY, is the following. Baby snot is the most effective adhesive in the entire world. There is nothing baby snot won’t stick to, and there is almost nothing that can separate a good baby snot adhesion. So why aren’t we using baby snot more in industry? Are there not a bunch of babies with runny noses that we can use to build things with? Is there no way to harness the power of baby snot?

What if you ran out of sticky notes?? No problem…. I’ll just use a regular paper and baby snot. What if you can’t find a stud in the wall to hang that wedding picture up over the couch?? Baby snot to the rescue! What if you need to make a citizen’s arrest, and you don’t have any handcuffs, but you need to subdue a perp?? Not an issue, just baby snot his hands together, and it’s just as secure as cuffs.

Listen, we all want to do what’s right for the environment. Aren’t you tired of all these glue and tape factories ruining our children’s future by making all that….. glue… and ……tape?? Don’t you think it’s time we found an ALL-NATURAL product like baby snot? Just think of the percentage of babies that don’t have jobs in the current market. I don’t see baby unemployment coming down anytime soon unless we do something about it. I think we need a politician that’s going to fight for baby jobs. There is so much snot being manufactured every day by little day-care attendees who spread germs and lick every surface in sight. Why can’t we take this natural resource and use it for good? Instead of squandering it like we do with everything else.

Looking for more applications? Got a leaky boat? Baby snot the leak. Don’t want to watch something on TV? Baby snot your eyelids shut. See what I mean?? This is going to change the way you stick to things. I’m just glad I was able to share this with you. This is the beginning of the Baby Snot Revolution. Remember this moment always!

12 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

October 14, 2013

The Night My Father Died

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m rolling up on a year now since my father passed away. If you’ve read this blog in the past, you’re probably used to humor and lightheartedness (at least I hope that’s how I come across… maybe a little angry and ranty sometimes??). I’m not necessarily trying to switch gears here. I do have a story though, and the timing to tell it seems appropriate. It’s not a blow for blow recount of what took place, but more of a story within a story that lead to a moment that was crazy enough to write about.

The evening started for me while I was still at work. I was working a retail job, and we’d had a ‘Friends & Family’ type of event that involved ordering a bunch of product and having it shipped to our location, and then a whole bunch of my friends would stagger in over the next couple of days to pick up their stuff. I was trying to get out of there, but as I did, a familiar face would walk in, we would talk, and I’d help load up their vehicles. This was to be my last day before some vacation time that I had booked. My wife was to be induced into labour the following morning, and I was expecting to be a father for the first time. Ironic. My wife’s friends (a family of four) were picking up some things, and offered to drop off at home, which was on the way for them. I had taken the train to work, so I accepted. As I was helping load up their car, I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket, but I couldn’t grab it in time. Then it went off again. My sister had texted me, and left a phone message saying that my mom wanted me to go over there right away. This obviously wasn’t a social visit. I messaged back, and asked if there was anything wrong. ‘Just come right away’ was the response. We were just getting into the car, and getting on the road. I asked my friend if he wouldn’t mind dropping me off at my parent’s house instead. It was actually easier for them location-wise anyways. He agreed and asked if everything was OK. I said I wasn’t really sure, but in my heart I knew it wasn’t. I called my sister to ask her what this was all about. She wouldn’t tell me, she just kept repeating that mom wanted me to come over there right away. “Where’s dad?” I asked. ‘Just come over.’

This was the most awkward car ride of my life. I didn’t see these people too often, and there would have been plenty to catch up on, but I couldn’t focus. I had to figure out why my mom wanted me to come over right away. She obviously had something that she needed to tell me face to face, that couldn’t wait. It was her specifically that asked for me to come over (not her AND my dad), and she put the gag order on my sister. The question surrounding my father’s whereabouts wasn’t being dealt with which told me my answer would come during that face to face conversation. It couldn’t happen soon enough. I was trying not to completely unravel during this car ride. Their kids were in the back. They were being cute. I just couldn’t focus. I’d kind of explained that there was a family emergency, but I didn’t tell the driver that I thought my father was dead.

There was no reason to think that he would have died this night. He was 76 years old going on 66. In great shape, with a modest amount of health concerns, none of which looked like they would spell the end. Still, I couldn’t ignore the fact that nobody would say where he was, or why he wasn’t involved with this chat we were having. If something had happened to him, like an accident, I would have been headed for the hospital I figured. This just didn’t feel right. I had to text my wife to let her know I wasn’t coming home right away, and why. I don’t know if she was just so pregnant that she couldn’t focus, or because she knew I was in a car with her friends, but this was one time that she didn’t ask me a bunch of questions. I was grateful, because I had no answers.

We approached the house, and there were two cop cars outside. My fears had almost been completely confirmed by this point. I thanked my friends for the ride. I walked into the house, and saw 2 cops, my mom, and my sister. “Where’s dad?” I remember saying, even though I knew. Maybe there was still a chance that this wasn’t really happening. They asked me to sit, so I sat. The police officers explained what happened, which is another story for another time. To summarize, he had a heart attack on the train. There were people there that knew First Aid, and they assisted him right away. They were kind to him. An emergency crew was waiting at the next train station. They worked on him for a while, but couldn’t revive him. He was gone.

It sounds crazy, but I found all of that strangely reassuring. When I saw the cop cars outside, I thought maybe he had been in some horrible accident, or been robbed and killed or something awful. Him leaving us quickly and relatively painlessly seemed kind of nice. Like if you HAD to go, and we all do…… that might not be so bad. Not so nice for the rest of us, mind you. After a few emotional moments with my family, we started working the phones. My mom and my sister make lists and start executing tasks when in crisis mode. I, cut from a different cloth, try my best to sink as far into the furniture as humanly possible, and hopefully disappear altogether.

I called my wife, and told her the sad news. In her condition, she could have gone into labour right then and there, but she did a good job staying calm. I decided to call everyone else the following day. We had a couple of visitors that night including a close friend of my mom’s, and the Priest from our church. They were both wonderful at calming everyone down, and just being there. We all had tea. We talked about how nice it was that he didn’t have to suffer. We talked about how awful it was that he died potentially the day before the birth of his first grandchild (The grandchild took an extra couple of days to get out, but as far as we knew, it was going to happen the next day). When that would come up, they would look at me like ‘Oh my god, this must be EXTRA CRAZY for you’. It probably was, but I wouldn’t know. My brain was on auto-pilot, and I was having an out-of-body experience, but the real me was floating around the universe somewhere trying to cope with all of this new madness.

The night was drawing to a close, and there was something on the list that my sister and I needed to tick off that night, as unpleasant as this task seemed. My father had driven to a train station earlier that day. His car was still there. We needed to get it before it got towed. The Priest stepped up, and told my sister that he’d be happy to give me a lift out there on his way home so she could stay home with my mom. So off we went.

My father went to church just about every Sunday. He was active in the Church, and well liked by all. There was a time when we all went with him. We still would on certain holidays, but for the most part he was on a solo mission. I didn’t have a problem with this church, I just am not that religious in general. I do love this particular Priest. I think so highly of him as a person, and as a professional, that I would totally recommend this Church to ANYBODY who happened to live in the area, and feel inclined to go. They are very inclusive, and everyone is welcome. This is also where my wife and I got married.

So we’re driving to the train station, and it’s about 11 pm, so most of the cars have left the parking lot. It should be easy enough to find my dad’s car, and I’ll just use the spare keys to drive it home. To my home actually, because remember earlier in the story that I didn’t have a car at work today, and got a lift to my parents. We’re talking about the events of the day, both still blown away by what just happened. We arrive at the parking lot of the train station. Here’s where the fact that I’m completely ambivalent about cars doesn’t come in handy. I know what kind of car my dad drove, but I couldn’t pick it out of a crowd. Luckily I did have one of those door locking remotes that makes the lights flick on. We drove around the parking lot to take a closer look at some vehicles that may have fit the description. It wasn’t there. This station had 2 smaller lots as well, so we drove over to them and had a look. It wasn’t there.

This was going to be a bit awkward, but I knew that in the coming days especially, I was going to be spending a lot of time reminiscing about my dad, and telling, and hearing stories of his life. I didn’t think it would start so soon, but this situation left me in a position where I had to explain one of the quirky details of my father’s personality……. to a priest. My father never liked to pay for parking. He had a well documented history of leaving his car in some of the most creative places imaginable to avoid paying for parking. For years we walked and walked and walked and walked from parking spots to whatever event we were attending. Only recently when my parents had started to get older and didn’t get around as well, did he bite the bullet, and start parking closer to things. My dad would walk for 25 minutes from a parking spot to save $5. It drove me crazy when I was younger. I was telling the Priest this as we were going up and down the streets nearby. The truth is, this car could be ANYWHERE. It could be in one of these apartment buildings, it could be at a store, it could be in front of somebody’s house.

SIDE STORY: In 1992 The Toronto Blue Jays were in the World Series for the first time. Torontonians know only too well how starved this city is for the success of one of our major sports teams. My father who was a season ticket holder at the time, sprung for one game in the World Series. It was Game 5, and he took my mother (he had 2 kids, so you can’t just take one of them……so he took the wife….. I can’t get mad at him for that, although I am a RABID baseball fan). These seats of course were purchased before the series began, and I’m not even sure how much they set him back. I know he chose game 5 because there was a chance they could win the World Series that game. If he took game 7, the series might have been over already, and he wouldn’t get to go. As luck would have it, the Jays were up 3 games to 1, and game 5 was in fact a potential clinching game where they could become World Series champions for the first time ever. My parents would have been there. In those days he would park a good 15 to 20 minute walk from the stadium. There were a few businesses on a street nearby, and figuring that business hours would be until 5 pm or maybe even 6 pm, he would swoop in afterwards, and park in one of the employee’s reserved spots. Cheeky bugger! He did this for years. In 1992, the Toronto Blue Jays were World Series Champions, but unfortunately for my dad (and fortunately for me, who for the price of a donation to the food bank, was allowed to watch game 6 at the stadium on the Jumbotron with 50,000 other fans, even though the game was being played in Atlanta), the Jays didn’t win the Series in that 5th game. There was a sad trot back to the car, and I would imagine a much sadder trot to the pound to get his car after it had finally been towed from the parking lot of whatever business he decided to leave it at, complete with my mother ripping into him for the entire journey.

So there I was, not a regular church goer, with a Priest driving me around looking EVERYWHERE for my dead father’s car, and trying to get home so I can get a good night’s sleep (yeah right), so I can become a father for the first time the next day, when I had one of those moments of self discovery. This COULD be the worst moment of my life. Only if I chose it to be. I remember thinking at the time that I would HAVE to write about this someday. I don’t know if I will ever feel the full magnitude of the human experience quite the same way I did that week. Is it a bad thing? No, it can’t be. I loved my father. That’s the only reason I feel as crushed as I do right now. He was an amazing man. If he wasn’t so amazing, I wouldn’t be so crushed. If you were to ask me if I would take less amazing in exchange for less crushed, I say no way! So this surreal (the most overused word in self-expression….. sorry, but nothing else describes it better) experience of driving around aimlessly, a drive which included going to a completely different station as well, turned out to be a fun way to end the night. The priest and I had some laughs at what had to be the most bizarre moment either of us could recall having. I would have been super mad at my father for his parking shenanigans, but he had passed away that day, so all I could do was have a laugh, and shake my head. Good ol’ dad saved the ultimate parking fiasco for his last day on earth, and I was fortunate enough to be part of it. Exhaustion prevailed, and the Priest drove me home. I felt really bad for him. He must have to do this kind of stuff all the time. It was past midnight. I slept (surprisingly), took my wife to be induced the following day, and while we waited to go into labour, we went for another quick look at the train station. As I pulled out of the last parking lot, I was about to give up again, when suddenly at a traffic light, I spotted a car with a familiar licence plate. It was my dad’s car. Parked in front of a Tim Horton’s that had no drive-thru, which is as ballsy as it gets. I jumped in his car and drove it back to my mom’s place, while my wife (due to give birth that very day) drove our car behind me.

It was the beginning of the most intense week of my life. We mourned, we planned a funeral, we received an outpouring of support that I can only describe as exponentially phenomenal, and in the middle of all that, we managed to (after 2 agonizing days, but that’s another story as well) add a new member to the family that had just lost one. I consider myself fortunate to experience so much of what life has to offer, both good and bad, and survive to tell the story.

14 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

October 8, 2013

What Else Can Drake Fix?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Toronto cracks me up sometimes. It’s arguably one of the greatest cities in the world. When I say ‘arguably’ I also mean that if that was your argument, you would totally win. Torontonians on the other hand are sometimes just a little too sensitive for my liking. Maybe its just the media, but I don’t think so. When I watch television, and have the opportunity to see famous people being interviewed by the Toronto media, I’m always kind of embarrassed by it. These are usually actors or musicians that are in town on the business of promoting some sort of project that they’re working on. Sometimes it’s athletes playing a game in town. Most media members of course will offer the obligatory questions surrounding whatever they’re plugging, plus any juicy, gossipy relationship questions depending on how interesting they think the answer will be. Finally they HAVE to ask “What do you think of Toronto?” Seems harmless enough, right?

Here’s what I hate about this. Why do we as Torontonians care what anyone thinks of us or our city? Our city is awesome! I know this, and I personally don’t need to hear it from anyone else to know that it’s true. Our media however, has this goofy tendency to constantly ask famous foreigners for affirmation regarding this. An American actor who probably just got into town 2 hours earlier, and has only seen the inside of a Starbucks shouldn’t have to make a whole city feel warm and fuzzy. That’s not his/her job. It’s like we’re unsure of ourselves and our place in the world and we need to know what the rest of the world thinks, when we should really be confident and just KNOW we’re awesome, and not worry about it. The people in this city suffer such insecurity. It’s sad. I once heard an interview with Gene Simmons from KISS who was in town for something, and somebody asked him if he liked (either Toronto or Canada), and you could tell from his reaction that he’d already been asked that about 10 times. This is not a direct quote, but he basically said ‘okay okay, we like you, relax’. I was a bit embarrassed for us when I saw that, but I remember thinking that finally somebody came out and said it. If you are from here and you don’t know what I’m talking about, watch for it next time you see a celebrity being interviewed on TV. They ask every time, it’s uncanny.

So in keeping with that theme, we had an announcement last week that Toronto Rapper ‘Drake’ is joining the Toronto Raptors (NBA Basketball) as a ‘Global Ambassador’………………….(cue tumbleweed)………I’m going to say that again………………Drake is joining the Toronto Raptors as a ‘Global Ambassador’. That’s a job. They gave it to a rapper. In Toronto.

Let me give you some context. The Toronto Raptors are an NBA basketball team. In terms of winning basketball games they are a poor team. In terms of fan interest, and ticket sales, they do quite well. They’re the only team in Canada which helps because they draw their fan base from the whole country. As abysmal as their performance on the basketball court is on a pretty consistent basis, they don’t have any problem selling tickets. Recently, they were awarded the 2016 All-Star Game which means there will be a great party, and it’s great for the city. They have a President who has been doing the job for 6 months, and even though the only real flaw with this franchise is their on-court performance, they have chosen to bring in Drake to fix all of their (non) problems.

Now I like Drake. You could say that at various points in my life, I have been a rabid Hip-Hop fan, and while now wouldn’t be one of those points, Drake is one of my favourites (spelled the Canadian way this time). He’s a good Rapper, and believe it or not, I’m a guy that would know the difference. As far as his credentials to “help reinvigorate the fortunes of a stagnant franchise” (quote courtesy of the Globe and Mail)…… I just don’t see it. Unless of course you want to go with the precedent of Jay-Z joining the New Jersey Nets (as an owner, not a Global Ambassador….. meaning he had to pay). The Nets were awful, and have since moved to Brooklyn, and become mediocre.

Here’s what I think is happening. Toronto has once again sold itself short. Here we are, hosting the NBA All-Star Game in a couple of years, selling all kinds of tickets to games even though we aren’t that good (and that isn’t easy), and just being awesome in general terms….. but we think that somebody famous is going to come in and ‘turn it all around’. Turn what around??? Do you think that people won’t come to the All-Star Game if Drake isn’t an employee of the Raptors? Everyone goes to the NBA All Star Game, including Drake, no matter where it is! What’s he gonna do?? Mention the Raptors in his Rap lyrics?? Is he going to wear a Raptors Jersey at his shows?? Are you suggesting that the Raptors marketing staff that are (hopefully) loaded with sports marketing professionals, know less about marketing a sports team than a Rapper?

Or is Drake just good at fixing things??? If so, can we get him to end the American Government shutdown?? Maybe he can go to the Middle East and resolve all the conflicts. Maybe he can negotiate the release of all the hostages being held around the world. Maybe he could visit the Anne Frank house, and piss in a mop bucket to take some of the heat off Justin Beiber. Here’s the best part…. Who can we blame if it doesn’t all go down like it should?? Can we actually blame Drake if he does a bad job as our Global Ambassador??

I have 3 messages regarding this
1. Toronto…. you are awesome, you don’t suck….. why do you care what famous people think about you?? Stop seeking approval. You’re like a teenager. Grow up.
2. Toronto Raptors…… you do suck…… have you ever asked yourself why the Boston Celtics have the same uniform that they’ve been wearing for the last 50 years?? For 50 years, they’ve played basketball…. and played it well…. they have a tradition of winning basketball games. All the publicity stunts, jersey/colour changes, Rappers and Global Ambassadors can’t make up for winning basketball games. Stop embarrassing yourselves.
3. Drake….. This actually isn’t your mess, I would totally take that job too. I hope you can Rap us all the way to an NBA championship!

13 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

September 30, 2013

Ridin’ Coattails

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Ridin’ Coattails!!!! No, it’s not the name of my new rock band!! It’s a way of life. I can’t seem to get my mind off it lately. The recent success of a couple of my close friends has me re-thinking the way I’ve gone about my life. All this ‘going to work’…… all these ‘creative endeavours’ on the side….. What’s it all for?? Do I need this for my ego? My sense of self-worth? Let’s face it, I work for money. Now what if…. Just what if I knew someone whose career just blew up? Like an actor, singer, gangster or politician? Well they just might need an entourage, or at least one flunky to run around and do fun errands for them. The said individual might be in line for some decent renumeration, depending of course, on the success, and riches of the successful actor-singer-gangster-politician. In my short life, I’ve unfortunately never been in a position where I could even consider giving up my livelihood to be a member of a fun entourage that could live off the table scraps of the rich and famous. I feel like that is all about to change, and it has provided some clarity regarding my long-term employment goals.

I have a friend who recently directed a short film called “The Lamp”. First of all, it’s awesome! He’s awesome! It gets better. He hired my other friend to be the cinematographer of this particular film. This guy is awesome too! (As I writer I should strive to not describe two people as being awesome in the same paragraph, particularly in separate sentences….it would have been OK in the same sentence, like ‘these guys are awesome’, but the thing is, because they are both friends, and potential entourage havers, I don’t want to use different descriptors in case one seems better than the other, and then it looks like I’m playing favorites, because in reality I would be in either entourage if the opportunity arose.) I’m very excited this week. “The Lamp” has been selected for the Vancouver International Film Festival. It will be part of a ‘Shorts’ program called “Objects of Desire” running on October 3rd and 10th. This is big news!! Neither of these guys were doing this 2 years ago, and to be selected to a film festival?? Now I had never heard of the Vancouver International Film Festival before this, but I HAVE heard of Vanvouver, and I HAVE heard of Film Festivals, and I’m familiar with the term ‘International’, so I have no reason to believe that this isn’t earth shattering amazingness!!!!

http://www.viff.org/festival/films/f8618-the-lamp

Anybody that is an artist working in Canada knows that there’s no money in it, but I believe in long-shots. I believe that anybody can be a Drake or a Dan Akroyd. I also believe that you have to start ridin’ coattails early if you want to be a proper flunky. You gotta prove that you were with them from day one. I’ve not been shy about planting seeds for this either. I’ve made them both aware of my intentions. So much so, that I think I’ve been a little over-bearing. I’ve noticed that they are now both starting to leave about a 3 hour gap before returning my text messages, hoping I’ll stop being so creepy. I won’t stop though. Not until I reach the top. This is my new chosen career path!! Trevor Juras – Director Extraordinaire, and Othello Ubalde – Cinematographer Extraordinaire (again…. same theory as calling them both awesome, applies here as well), consider this my application form. When you guys get rich and famous from your considerable skill and ability, and you need someone to make Kool-Aid, shop for linens, fetch cigarettes, hire catering companies, play records, or even write a blog to increase your online presence……. I’d be happy to step in. I hope down the road, there will be pension and medical benefits involved, but for now I’ll work for beers.

I’m just kidding…. I have a wife and kid man, I don’t have time for that shit! All in all though, I wish these guys all the best at their first film festival, and continued success in the movie business. If you are curious at all about this short film, here’s a short preview.

THE LAMP

ADDENDUM ALERT!!!!!

So I texted Othello and Trevor a few minutes ago to get permission to show the link and drop their names. I always ask for permission before dropping names as a ‘respect for privacy’ thing. Funny that Drake and Dan Akroyd didn’t get back to me….. anyways, Othello told me that they JUST FOUND OUT they will be added to the ‘Toronto After Dark Film Festival’ coming up in late October. So it’s no fluke…. ‘The Lamp’ is doing big things! Hopefully I can go to this one! You guys need your shoes polished?? Need some Kool-Aid?? Let me know 😉 Congrats again guys!

http://torontoafterdark.com/2013/

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September 24, 2013

Not Hot Beach Bodies?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There’s nothing like going to the grocery store to inspire me to write a Monday rant. There’s so much wrong with the world, and most of it in some way is going on at the grocery store. Could it be that the grocery store is a microcosm of our society? Shit, I could explain what I think I mean by that, but I don’t have a good explanation at the moment, and this post isn’t about grocery stores anyways, so I’m bailing on that concept. You deep thinkers out there can decide for yourselves. It’s 10:46 pm as I’m typing this. I gotta keep it simple or else I’ll get sleepy and won’t finish.

What went on at the grocery store today that could inspire a rant you say? Same thing that goes on at the grocery store everyday, but I usually don’t take notice. Perhaps I do, but maybe don’t always find it as offensive as I did today. To say its offensive is not to say that I’m specifically offended. I don’t offend that easily. I’m offended on behalf of society.

Why am I offended on behalf of society you say? I’m offended in general by gossip magazines. They’re always at the check-out in grocery stores. I’ve never purchased one, but I (like any other weak-minded soul) will check out the cover. There is a lot of information about celebrity weight fluctuation, marriage troubles, and not much else as far as I can tell. I don’t support this industry. I’m not saying that I’m better than anyone else for it. I’m sure there are industries that I do support that are worse than this. That said, I will look at the cover. I’m in the lineup at the grocery store, what else am I going to look at, chocolate bars??? We all know how that ends.

Today I got offended by one particular gossip magazine that I saw at the grocery store. It’s called Star Magazine. If you run out right now and get one, you’ll see the cover features “Best & Worst Beach Bodies”. This is certainly enough to pique someone’s interest. I almost don’t even have a problem with ‘Best Beach Bodies’ other than it being an invasion of privacy. At least there’s some positivity associated with compiling their best pictures of famous people at the beach. Do we really need ‘Worst Beach Bodies’???? I’ll give an example. They have a picture of Bruce Jenner’s son, and beside it, bold letters that read ‘HOT’. Beside that there’s a picture of Bruce Jenner, and beside it, bold letters that read ‘NOT’. Sooooo Bruce Jenner doesn’t have a hot beach body?? Bruce Jenner is 63 years old! Why would he have a hot beach body? More importantly who cares?? Even more importantly, does this mean that if you’re famous, and you don’t have a ‘hot beach body’, that you have to stop going to the beach?? Apparently it does! No wonder these poor buggers are always getting plastic surgery. No matter how washed up they get, there’s always the potential of them ending up on the COVER of a magazine in their bathing suit??? I think I would have been fine with a picture of his son, and a collection of other good pictures of ‘hot beach bodies’, but is there a new thing where you get ridiculed for going to the beach without a ‘hot beach body’? I would suggest that MOST PEOPLE do not have what would classically be regarded as ‘hot beach bodies’, does that mean none of them should go to the beach? That doesn’t seem right to me.

I know society doesn’t have too much sympathy for the rich & famous, and perhaps that’s why these particular magazines seem to be as successful as they are. I’m not too familiar with Bruce Jenner outside of his athletic notoriety. My understanding is that he’s the Kardashian kids’ stepfather. I’ve never watched that show (another industry I won’t support), so I have no idea how goofy this guy might be, but I don’t think it’s right for him or anyone else featured in that magazine to be ridiculed for what they might look like in a bathing suit. I also think that it sucks that they can’t just go hang out without being photographed. We’re the ones that buy the magazines, so we have nobody to blame but ourselves. It’s a bit disturbing to me, that’s all.

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

September 16, 2013

Vienna Calling

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I love vacations. Especially vacations that involve travelling to new places. What’s perhaps even better is looking back on vacations you’ve been on. I can’t speak for everyone, but when I’m looking back on things, my imagination makes them way better than they may have actually been. I’ll be looking at pictures, and even if I was outside freezing my ass off all day, I’ll be like ‘Isn’t the snow beautiful?’ Even if I spent half the evening arguing with my wife, I’ll be like ‘Wasn’t that an amazing buffet?’

Last Monday my wife and I were having lunch, (just before my ill-fated trip to Teavana which I blogged about last week) and reminiscing about our trip to Vienna, Austria. It was our honeymoon after all (mind you, we took a road trip to New York and Boston, post-wedding, pre-Austria, and while we had a blast, we decided it was NOT our honeymoon). Vienna is a bit sexier to talk about from a honeymoon perspective, and neither of us had ever been there. In fact, we hadn’t been to Europe together at all. We decided to do it as a little mini-trip for 4 days. Loyal readers, let me assure you that this is the dumbest possible idea, and you should never try it yourself. It’s totally not worth the airfare or jet lag to only stay for 4 days. I thought there were a few things about Vienna that I’d like to share with you. Not that I want to turn this into a travel blog or anything, but I don’t have anything that I’m really fired up about right now.

– When we got to the airport after flying overnight on Austrian Airlines (which we liked), we had to go through customs. The customs officer looked at our passports, looked at us and said ‘have a good day’. I’m so used to going to the States and feeling like I’m one shifty look away from being strip searched. They didn’t even ask us any questions in Austria. Nice.

– The hotel we stayed at was a boutique hotel that we got a great deal on since we were travelling in their ‘off season’ for tourism. It would have been crazy expensive. We took a cab there from a train station. When we told the cab driver where we were staying, he practically BEGGED us to let him take us somewhere else. We didn’t let him since it was already paid for, but we were curious to know why. In his opinion, and the opinions of a lot of the locals, this hotel was an abomination, and he was just doing his part to try to steer business away from them. Here’s the thing….. it was the most gorgeous hotel that I’ve ever stayed at. What’s interesting to me is the difference in attitude towards old vs new that Europeans have as opposed to North Americans. I don’t mean to paint everyone with the same brush here, but Vienna is a city very rich in history, and architecture that is centuries old. Their idea of new, is restoring something old, and I get that. In North America we level old buildings to build new buildings all the time. There are some places that are well restored and historical, but they’re few and far between. I get that too. I just found it interesting that a new hotel with a fairly artistic design could be so offensive to someone. Pictures don’t do it justice, but I’ll include a couple.

Outside of the hotel at night.

Outside of the hotel at night.

Simple, yet modern and elegant.

Simple, yet modern and elegant.

From an inside lounge area at night looking out to the city.

From an inside lounge area at night looking out to the city.

– Something Vienna is definitely known for is the coffee shops. For every Tim Horton’s in Canada or Dunkin Donuts in the States, Europe seems to have a ‘one of a kind’, amazing coffee shop with incredible baked goodies. You almost can’t throw a baseball in Vienna without hitting three of them. There were no drive-thru shops that I could see either. The emphasis seems to be ‘come in and sit down… enjoy your coffee and cigarette, and leave when you’re ready’. A way different lifestyle than ‘hurry the fuck up, I’m late for work’. One I could get used to perhaps.

– Final thought was I wonder if I’ll hear any Falco on the radio. As a nerd for 80’s music trivia, I of course remember the Austrian pop star who’s most famous hit was ‘Rock Me Amadeus’, and his follow-up single ‘Vienna Calling’ (which I borrowed for this blog title… did anyone get that?) seemed to be the song that was going through my head for 4 days while in the city. Falco is the biggest international pop star to ever come out of Austria, and if you’re curious, I DID actually hear a Falco song on the radio while I was there. I was sad to learn that he had died in a car crash in 1998. R.I.P. Falco!!!!

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September 10, 2013

Adventures In Loose Leaf Tea

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There’s a situation that went down today which is kind of embarrassing. The word of my foolishness is fast spreading, and I need to get ahead of this by telling my side of the story via my blog. This definitely isn’t the coolest thing I’ve ever done, but if I can’t write about it, then there was absolutely no point in it even happening.

The afternoon started innocently enough. My wife and I were having lunch together at a pretty nice restaurant, and I remember that the beer I ordered had inspired a blog topic I was happy to have as it was already mid-day, and if you’ve been following me for a while, you know that Monday is blog day come hell or high water. That particular blog topic will now have to wait until next week providing I still remember it, but I will remember it, because I’ve written it down. Here. Just now. In this paragraph. When lunch was over, we were walking out to the car. My wife had an appointment, but we had 10 minutes before we had to leave the shopping area we were in. She had a store she wanted to go into, as did I. So we went our separate ways for a few minutes.

The store I wanted to go into was called Teavana. I don’t know much about these stores, but they seem to have been popping up all over the place. I’m a little out of touch with current trends, but I’m guessing the popularity of loose leaf tea is growing in these parts. As it should. We’ve recently acquired a Tea Press, and a few bags of different teas to try. It’s a bit of a nuisance to be honest due to the brewing variance between different types, but the teas I’ve tried have been really good, and I’ve gotten into a bit of a habit of drinking loose leaf tea in the evenings now. I can’t tell why I like this. Maybe because it’s a superior product, but sadly it’s probably because I just think it’s cool.

When I walked into Teavana, I saw their sample dispensers outside the front door. This was an outdoor mall, so the bees were going to town on these dispensers. I decided against having a sample. I went in thinking I would get a couple of new teas to try. Not because we need them. I have a few in the queue already, but I keep thinking ‘when’s the next time I’ll see a tea shop?’ even though I’ve been seeing one pretty much every week. The staff were friendly and eager to help me right off the bat. I told them the truth. That I was new at this, and looking to try a couple of new teas. I also mentioned to stay away from fruit/citrus varieties because my wife thinks they taste like “hot juice”.

I have to preamble this next part by mentioning that I’ve worked in Retail at various points in my life, and have a a lot of respect for a great salesperson with amazing customer service. You would think I’d be numb to this, but I see it done really well so infrequently that I’m actually quite succeptable to their charms, and will buy just about anything that they sell as long as I like the sales pitch. The guy at Teavana was amazing. He totally took charge and pulled out 4 of his favorite varieties. He started telling me about the different ones, and let me have a whiff of the aromas. One of them we’d already tried, and one of them didn’t smell that great to me, so I settled on the other two. I was kind of zoning out and looking around the store at all the accessories when he was explaining some of the teas. I could have sworn he said that one of them was hand picked by Monkeys that were trained by Monks to pick tea. I was caught up. These are gonna be awesome. Then the salesperson was asking if I wanted X amount in order to get a quantity discount. Again, not paying too much attention to the details of the transaction, but just taking in the atmosphere of the store, and thinking about drinking my monkey picked tea later on, I was like ‘yeah man, get me the quantity discount’. I was on some sort of purchasing high. I can only assume that people feel this way right before they buy fur coats. So he scoops this tea into a couple of bags while trying to up-sell me an airtight container, and a tea press and who knows what else. ‘I’m good man, just the tea’ I say, as I’m marveling at this guys sales techniques. He rings it in and says $201.00. Then it hit me…….WHAT IN GOD’S NAME AM I DOING BUYING $200 worth of tea??? I’m really embarrassed at this point, because my wife is now in the store, and I don’t know if she heard that, but as much as I love this guy as a sales person, I just can’t take $200 worth of tea.

To say I don’t know where it all went wrong wouldn’t even be true. I could act like the victim here, but the truth is, this transaction spiraled out of control due to my lazy mind thinking about things other than what I was doing, and while this guy did talk really fast, I was making no attempt to do a mental tally of the cost of this tea adventure. All I kept thinking was, ‘It’s Tea, how much could it possibly be?’ So I had to back peddle and tell the guy that I couldn’t take that much. I apologized and asked him to cut the quantaties in half so I could save face a bit. Unfortunately that still meant that I was spending $100 on tea which was still wildly unreasonable, but at this point I’d committed to it and was willing to take it as a loss. My wife was a good sport as the transaction was happening, because she would have been well within her rights to step in and get that total down to $40. She instead decided to take it out on me by laughing at me all the way home, and for the rest of the day leading up to this very minute. She’s told all of her friends about this encounter, and they are all having jokes at my expense.

‘Laugh all you want’ is my attitude. I’m going to be enjoying my monkey picked tea in the dark, by candle light, with cucumber slices on my eyes, listening to Miles Davis, basking in the unparalleled bliss that can only be achieved through purchasing $100 worth of loose leaf tea on a Monday afternoon. Any of you mouth breathing, simple minded, diet coke drinking haters that have a problem with that will never know the true secret to peace and happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not buying that?? Fine! I screwed up. The worst part is that through further research I found out that monkeys picking tea is only legend, and today just terminology for premium quality tea.

Get your laughs in.

Illustration of the legend of monkeys harvesting tea - from Wikipedia

Illustration of the legend of monkeys harvesting tea – from Wikipedia

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September 3, 2013

Fan Of The Game

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

An Open Letter To The Drunk Guy At The Football Game……..

Dear Friend,

Yes I say friend, because after watching you make an idiot of yourself for the last hour and a half, I feel like I know you. Also, after your persistent attempts to interact with every single person in the stadium, I feel like you know me too. You probably know me as a quiet enough guy, who eats a pizza slice, and has a beer or two while watching the football game. I know you as a complete shit-show of drunk, trying to be a stand up comedian a few rows in front of me.

I shouldn’t be surprised that I saw you here tonight. It seems I see a different you, every time I go to a game, or a movie, or some sort of live performance. It’s the same role played by a different performer each time. This version of you is wearing a Calgary Stampeders jersey, so I already know you’re in my town cheering for the wrong team. Which is cool. I respect a fan that will travel to see an out-of-town game. You’ve got your sidekick with you too who is also wearing a jersey, also drunk, but only 75% as loud as you. Yeah, you’re the ringleader. The man with the plan.

Your style of experience disruption is probably my favourite one. You’re the guy that stands up every time something good happens to your team (it helps that you’re cheering for the wrong team, otherwise you wouldn’t stand out, and nobody would pay attention to you), and instead of facing the field, and clapping/yelling/cheering or some other fan-related reaction, you’re facing the fans behind you, and looking them in the face. Somewhere between the 3rd and 4th beer, you started to see warmth in their smiles. They started hanging on your every comment instead of looking at you with contempt or indifference. Even the females in the crowd started paying attention to you! Your team is even up by two touchdowns. Tonight’s your night bro! Now instead of standing up every 5 minutes to say something dumb, you just aren’t going to bother sitting back down because you are in such high demand…. people are dying to know what next bit of hilarity will escape your soul. You should be paid a commission for the amount of entertainment you add to the whole fan experience (You mean I get to watch a football game AND listen to this doorknob all night? Double bonus for me!!). If only I could be in the same row as you so I could have beer spilled on my head as you walk by. It would be so excellent if I could be close enough to give you a handshake or a high-five every time you said something awesome (which is always). I can only sit several rows back and quietly pray for MORE WITTY BANTER!!

Less Football, More You!

Yours Truly
Thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants

The highlight of the night came when security finally came down to talk to this guy. I think everyone was dying to see him get booted, but when he saw security come, he fell in line and was quiet and remorseful. Then I heard a guy a few rows back yell ‘You’re sittin’ down now, eh Jackass??’

Is hilarity a word?

2 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

August 26, 2013

People Disappoint Me….. As They Should!

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

When I was a kid I was vaguely aware that a lot of other kids were a bunch of whiny assholes. I probably was one as well, to be fair. The funny thing is that I always had this sense that the situation would improve as I got older. I don’t know if it was me being optimistic, or just having faith in the theory of people maturing as time moved on. I suppose there are a lot more examples of people growing up, then not, but it’s the ones where they don’t that stick out in my mind. I’m not going to list off all the times that I thought grown adults acted like 6-year-olds. That would take forever, and I just don’t have that kind of time or attention span. I just want to say that as an adult, I’m disappointed when I see other adults behaving like they just started going to school for the ‘full-day classes’. That said, who am I to judge? What did I think was going to happen? We’re the same exact people that we were when we were 6. Just older. Most of us evolved some, but when the pressure’s on, sometimes that ‘inner 6-year-old’ has to take over and weigh in with his/her opinions and antics. It’s probably too much to expect that we could have completely gotten to a point where that doesn’t come out anymore. Could a world full of mature people even exist? What would that be like? It could be awesome, but maybe it would have its own share of problems that I can’t quite foresee. So…. I guess it’s OK?

Politics is my favorite example. When you read about it in the paper, they use fancy words like conjecture, posturing, and semantics. That’s because there are intelligent people writing about a non-intelligent situation. When you watch some coverage of them operating on TV, and these people are some of the most immature we have in society. The way they argue with each other, airing out their pissy little grievances with their selfish little agendas….. forming their little cliques and alliances….these are the people we depend on to run our towns/cities/provinces/states/countries! It’s disappointing. I don’t normally follow politics for this reason. Every time I feel like I might be interested, there’s some display of foolishness and incompetence that I’d rather just not know about, which drives me away. You know what though? They’re people. Not unlike the people in the first paragraph. Except these people are more interested in power, and they want to be shot callers! Oh sure, there are a few martyrs out there too that just give and give and give themselves for the betterment of society (if that’s what you choose to believe), but at the root of it all, none of these people would have had any interest in politics if it weren’t at least somewhat in their nature to want to be shot-callers. You put a bunch of shot-callers in the same room all day, and make the stakes incredibly high, and what do you get?? Conjecture, posturing, and semantics….. all fucking day! What did we expect?

Finally, there’s a story in Toronto about a police officer who shot a suspect carrying a knife 8 times (on 9 shots) and killed him. I feel like this news story plays different in Canada than it would in the States, but the media is all over the police department for excessive violence. As they should be. There has to be a better way to take down a suspect. The way this has all played out in the media has been totally one-sided though. What happened to a person taking some responsibility for being there with a knife in the first place? Also not dropping it when the police told him to? I don’t know the whole back story, and very little has been mentioned about what was really happening at the time the police arrived, but the victim at very least made a decision to carry a knife that day, and the rest isn’t that important to me. I can’t give him advice now, but I will say this to any of you out there that might get into some shit. If you are wielding a knife, and a bunch of cops are there asking you to put it down, you might not be expecting to die at that moment, but you HAVE to respect the fact that it could happen. That’s just common sense. Right or wrong, police are human beings, and it’s not an automatic that you will just get tasered or shot in the leg. If you make them mad, there’s always a chance that you could get lit up. I want to believe that the police are generally good people. I want to believe that they don’t get into situations like that on purpose. They are just people though. Who knows if you got them into a corner, or underneath their skin enough? Everyone has a breaking point. They carry guns. I have a theory that most cops have violent tendencies. I would think that it’s a bit of a requirement for their job. If you are hoping to never be in any type of altercation, than you aren’t likely to try to become a police officer. There has to be something in your personality which suggests that you wouldn’t mind walking around with a gun, and if push came to shove, you wouldn’t mind using it. If this wasn’t the case, why would you become a cop? Oh, I’m sure just as in the above paragraph that there are some absolute saints who become cops just because they want to help clean up the city. For every one of those, there have to be at least one or two tough guys that would love to carry a gun and be an authority figure. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as they’re out there fighting the good fight, but I certainly wouldn’t wave a knife at one of them.

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized