Family and friends have read this before. I had a problem with my internet yesterday, so there will be no new blog this week. This is one that the WordPress community haven’t seen yet though, and it’s the story of how I proposed to my wife. One of the better stories of my life…..Enjoy!
She is impossible to surprise! With her inquisitive scientific mind and her ability to take follow up questioning to a level that would make most lawyers blush, it is impossible to surprise her.
Part 1 – The Ring
So it’s been 8+ years. It’s never been a matter of ‘if’, it was always just a matter of ‘when’. When ‘when’ became ‘now’ I endeavored to get a ring that I thought was kickass enough that I’d enjoy looking at it for the rest of my life. This process involved home delivery which was a risky proposition. I am home these days starting up a small business while she is working for ‘the man’ during business hours. I figured this would work out OK. As soon as my purchase went through however, Visa flagged the purchase as suspicious (sadly my spending habits don’t often include jewelry), and phoned both my cell phone (which I picked up and OK’d the purchase), and my home phone (where they left a voice message for her to come home to.) FOILED! ALREADY!
Part 2 – The Taxidermy Head
So I was confronted with rapidfire questioning as soon as I got home regarding this credit card purchase. In her defence, she’s way more concerned with the integrity of my credit card not being compromised, than she is with finding out what I bought. Once she knew the credit card was safe, she (like any 8 year girlfriend) figured out what I had bought and asked me. I told her ‘Don’t worry about it’, which never works, and was buying myself some time to bullshit. You need to understand that I’m a bad liar. Lying is like anything. The more you practice, the better you become. I don’t practice it, so when the time comes I’m usually terrible. I don’t know if there is a difference between bullshit and lying. I feel I can bullshit with the best of em, but I’m no liar. “Babe, I got you a Taxidermy Head!” This is the process of stuffing a dead animal to make it look life-like according to the dictionary. She seemed disappointed and disbelieving, but all good bullshit lies in the details. “Babe, you’ll love it, it’s in perpetual ‘wink-mode’ and when you press the eyeball, a gum ball shoots out of his mouth!!!”
Part 3 – Ring Arrival
The one day she was home (long weekend trip with the girls starting that day), and the one day I was working outside of the home (furnace installation) was the day the Ring decided to arrive. I knew this so I asked the concierge to not call our suite when the deliver arrived. He signed for it and I picked it up when I got home. Sweet! But he filled out a slip that indicated there was a delivery, and dropped it into our mailbox. I forgot to pick up the mail on Friday. Guess who checked the mailbox when she got home on Sunday?? FOILED!!! AGAIN!!!! DAMMMIT!!!! “Uhhhh, the taxidermy head had a glitch. I had to send it back”
Part 4 – The Ductwork
You have to pretend this part is in black and white like a flashback in a Tarantino movie. For years, any time the topic of engagement came up, I would say that I already bought the ring, and whenever she was ready to get married, just say the word. ‘Where did you hide it?’ ‘It’s in the ductwork!’ I’ve maintained this for YEARS! Even her mother joked around about seeing flashes of light coming out of the vent from time to time.
Part 5 – The Proposal
I’ve been foiled!! She knows I have a ring! She knows she’s not getting a taxidermy head! I’ve never admitted any of this, but she’s no fool. She’s actually quite a bit smarter than I am which makes this whole mission a bit of an underdog task. If I take her out to a nice restaurant, she’ll know. If we go somewhere even remotely romantic, she’ll know. Sunday’s a good day. We’re not even hanging out together that day!! So while she’s out, I log on to the computer and buy us a short trip to Vegas. She may be expecting a ring, but she’s not expecting this. If Royal Bank Visa wants to try to block this, I’m here beside the home and cell phone. They can’t hurt me now!! So now I wait……….. I didn’t know what time she was coming home. She ended up at the movies. I tried not to call her too much, because it would be too suspicious. I never bug her when she’s out with friends.
I took the vent cover off in the kitchen and put the ring and the itenerary into the ductwork. I closed it back up. I couldn’t get one of the screws back in properly. I thought ‘who cares, I’ll be taking it off again in an hour.’
She comes home…. I play it cool….. ‘How was the movie?’ I say. ‘ The ending was really ….. blah… blah…..’ (C’mon man… Do you really expect me to remember what she said about this movie????) She starts looking up stuff online….. The A/C kicks on and the itenerary flaps up against the vent making a huge noise. “Did you hear that???” I say (Cool as a cucumber) “Yeah, it sounds like something fell” she said……….. I go and investigate…. I’m in the kitchen with a chair and a flashlight. She’s still in the office. “Hey, can you grab me a screwdriver??”…… I totally know she’s gonna get all bent out of shape about the builder, and problems with the condo and stuff. Perfect diversion……. She comes in and sees the screw that was sticking out of the vent from before. She freaks out about us not noticing that at our 2 year walk through. I say a little under my breath “Fuckin Tridel!!!” (I’m soooo cool at this point)……. I get the vent off. “What’s this??” I say passing her a piece of paper, pretending I’m disgusted……. She starts reading it…….. “Oh My God, it has your name on it” she says bewildered…..It had small typing and it was a full page, so it took her a while to figure out what it was….I know she’s trying to scientifically put together how it got there….. In the meantime, I grab the ring, get off the chair, I’m on one knee, I’ve got the ring box open. She’s still reading this friggin paper. I said “HEY!” She looks down, sees the ring, understands what’s happening. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Embrace for maybe 2 seconds…… ‘So what is this??????’ Still worried about unfinished business with this ductwork paper even though she has a shiny engagement ring to look at…. ‘It’s a Vegas Trip!’ I say….
‘Ohhhhhhh’…. Now she can enjoy…… My favourite moment, she says quietly while admiring the ring on her finger “It WAS in the ductwork!!!!”