Some mornings I wake up and wish I was going to the roller rink so I could tell the DJ to put on ‘Lovely Day’ by Bill Withers and I would do the most kick ass roller skating routine ever….. and I would win a trophy…..and hundreds of people would be cheering, and I’d be drinking a 7Up like ‘yeah’…. and I’d get the girl in the end… you know, the one that it seemed like I might have had a chance with, but there was also a chance that it wasn’t gonna work out probably because of some other guy, but then somehow my roller skating performance cemented the outcome, and of course my enemies come around and end up being cool with me…. and then I would be back in high school again, and I would probably be a misunderstood nerd, but somehow the most popular girl in the school would need help graduating, and because I’m a nerd, I help her, and then near the end of the school year there’s a prom or something, and I end up going with her instead of her going with the captain of the football team, and me going with an equally nerdy girl who I’d probably have more in common with, and there’d be a subplot where the football team wanted to kill me, but then I’d do something really cool and all my enemies would be cool with me….. and then I’d be a vampire who ate Cheetos…..constantly…. instead of blood, and all the other vampires thought I was an idiot, and I’d fall in love with a girl who wasn’t a vampire, and I’d have to protect her from the others….and even though I was hundreds of years old I’d act as vulnerable as an 11-year-old, and everyone would overlook my long fingernails, and then somehow I’d destroy all the other vampires (except the ones who were cool with me) and get the girl in the end….. then I’d be a pilot or an astronaut or something, but I’d have a drinking problem or something, but my flying skills would be unparalleled, and all of the other pilots or astronauts or whatever would resent me because “Nobody’s ever flown like that before” and the teacher/princess/’by the book’ co-worker who didn’t like me taking risks would develop an unreasonable attraction towards me which she would try to deny herself of until she just couldn’t take it any more because I was in some kind of danger or something, and her boyfriend showed his true colours by revealing himself as a completely insensitive asshole…… I of course would successfully complete the mission, get the girl, and convert the non-believers……. and then I’m a cop with a checkered past who keeps getting suspended because I let trying to catch bad guys get in the way of proper department protocol….. but then when I’m suspended, I do a bunch of police work anyways, because I am JUST THAT PASSIONATE about being a cop. I get partnered up with someone I have nothing in common with even though I’ve made it perfectly clear that I HATE working with partners….. somehow through all of this, we develop a close relationship, and after 3 or 4 days of arguing we form the strongest bond ever and nobody could ever tear us apart! We catch the bad guys, make the guys who took over the case (when I got suspended) look like idiots, get reinstated, are awarded medals presented by the Police Commissioner who now thinks we’re the greatest thing ever because we make him look good, and I get the girl (oh…. there was no girl in this one…… let’s call her the hostage???)……then I’m trying out for the varsity team, but I’m too small (even though my heart is HUGE!!!!!!!), and the coach won’t play me because my marks are bad, so I get a tutor who only agrees to help me if I’m ‘all in – no excuses’, but the thing is I can’t read, so we have to go study like crazy, and this is all done ‘montage style’, and during the montage I’m also playing the sport that I’m trying out for and slowly getting better with a buddy on the team who believes in me when everyone else doesn’t. I pass the big test, get re-instated, help the team win the big game, and get the girl (tutor)…… then……. I realize that I have to go to work and that’s enough of that. End Scene.
Tag Archives: Humour
Holiday Retail Pet Peeves
So it’s New Year’s Eve, and I’ve cancelled all plans to bring you this blog. I said I would blog on Mondays, and I won’t be stopped. Not even for the biggest party night of the year! Don’t worry about me though. I’m fully equipped with a bottle of wine, 4 different kinds of cheese, and a screaming baby in the background. I’ll get through this.
I’ve spent a few chunks of my adult life as a Retail Manager, and during the holiday shopping season the job description includes being a sales person and letting my paperwork pile up. I don’t mind that. I like being on the sales floor (when I’m in a good mood, and I find people tolerable). The holidays only come around once a year and it’s time to get that money if you’re a retailer.
I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of people talk about their holiday shopping nightmares, and you’ve probably had some yourself. Let me tell you that on the other side of that equation it’s not all rainbows and puppy dogs either. It’s more like caffeine and tolerance. For I have crossed path with every pigeon brained bozo allowed to roam the malls freely, and it’s changed the way I view humanity.
Here are (just) a few of my Holiday Retail Pet Peeves…….
– People who say ‘just looking’ after you say hello to them. I didn’t ask why you were here…. I just said hello. I kind of don’t mind this if I think you don’t speak English, but I find it kind of rude the rest of the time. I’m sure you think that I’m some crazy shark of a sales person (which is true) who’s going to hound you until you buy something (which isn’t true), and I’m sure that you’ve been victimized in the past by somebody very slick that has ridden you around the store like a donkey, and made your life completely miserable. So maybe it’s a defence mechanism to avoid situations like that. I understand, but I still don’t think it’s reasonable that when someone says ‘Hello’, or ‘How are you?’ that you should treat them like a non-human by saying ‘just looking’. Show a bit of courtesy by answering the question you were asked. You’re a guest in my store. Be polite!
– People who come in on December 23rd to try to resolve warranty issues. Don’t you know that this is the absolute busiest day of the entire year? You’re bringing me this issue that you could bring to me ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, and you chose today?? Have some respect!!
– People who try to get price adjustments for ANY reason whatsoever. If there’s a sale, and you weren’t there, you missed it. Too bad. If you bought something and the price lowered a week later, too bad! Why are you visiting items you’ve already purchased anyways. Part of buying something when its new is paying full price. If you wait until it’s stale, then maybe you get a discount. You shouldn’t be able to have it both ways, and any store that accommodates this is stupid. The customer is almost always WRONG. Let’s get the culture back to that reality. My favourite is when they come in whining about how they missed out on a promotion, and tell you it’s not fair (like a 4-year-old). Cancer isn’t fair!! You missing out on a sale is just fine in the grand scheme of things. Grow up!
– People that leave their Christmas shopping until December 23rd, and expected shit to be sweet when they get to the mall. They can’t believe an item isn’t in stock. They can’t believe there’s such a huge lineup at the cash. They can’t believe nothing is on sale. BELIEVE IT! It’s December 23rd!! I won’t lie. I’ve left my shopping for the 23rd many a year, but I never walked into a store with lofty expectations of how awesome my shopping experience would be. That’s just ignorant.
– People who have really detailed specific desires of a gift they want to buy someone, but nobody sells it or makes it. Like that purple sweater with a red stripe. They come in asking for ridiculousness, and then they’re mad when you don’t sell it. Then they tell you sad stories about them looking EVERYWHERE for it, and then asking for recommendations about where they might find it at another store, as if any reasonable human being would know where to find a purple sweater with a red stripe. Then the whole frustration conversation about ‘why doesn’t anybody sell this’, and before you can say ‘because it’s ugly’ or ‘I really don’t have time for your stories’ or ‘only a loser would want that’, you’re knee-deep in a conversation about the holidays and gift exchanging with someone you’ve never met, and would love to never see again, until getting stabbed in the eye with a fork seems like the lesser of the two evils. It’s December 23rd! Either lower your expectations or purchase a gift card, but either way, please stop talking to me and get out of my store.
– People who call the store to see if you have something in stock, but nobody can get to the phone, so they leave a voicemail with no name, and a mumbled phone number. Why do people always talk so slowly during the message, and then zip through the phone number which is the most important part. Then they don’t leave a name either, so I have to call back this number which I’m not even sure is accurate, and ask whoever picks up the phone if somebody called my store earlier?? WTF.
I’ve got a million of them, but I’ll leave it at that for now. Happy New Year everybody!
Merry…. Happy….. Never Mind
Being Canadian has to be the weirdest around holidays. Especially in Toronto where there are so many different people from around the world living here. Different cultures, different religions… I take it for granted now, but it’s pretty amazing that we all get along the way we do. Relatively speaking anyways. We still don’t really get along as well as we could, especially around the holidays.
I deal with the public for a living. When someone I’ve been dealing with leaves, I say ‘have a great day’. I say this during the day. I say this at night. I say this every day of the week. I say this on Holidays, both national and religious. It’s my thing. Have a great day. Nobody gets offended. Nor should they. It’s very Canadian to not want to offend anyone.
I first became aware of different cultural beliefs when there was a student in my class whose parents made an arrangement to have them ‘pulled’ from the room every morning when we said the Lord’s Prayer. I think this was Grade 1, and it was quite some time ago, because we sang the national anthem (which I’m sure they still do), but then we followed it with the Lord’s Prayer. That seems crazy to me now for public school to do that, but they did. I guess they figured we were all cool with that. I felt bad for the kid though. It’s just embarrassing to be pulled from the class for 2 minutes a day for any reason. I don’t know if the parents thought this kid would turn into a raging Christian or what, but they didn’t want to take any chances.
As the years went by, more and more immigrants descended on Toronto. They stopped doing the Lord’s Prayer in Public Schools at some point. Which I agree with. People can go to church for that. It should be optional. There are lots of churches here or temples or whatever you need for whatever religion you are. I guess different people’s belief systems make them who they are, and inform them on how to interact in the world. It’s truly interesting and sometimes fun that there are so many, but when Christmas rolls around??? Not so much fun.
The consensus seems to be that in order to be sensitive to everybody here, that we shouldn’t be wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’. Even if it is Christmas, and there’s no competing holiday for any other religion on that day. The politically correct term we can use is ‘Happy Holidays’. That’s more inclusive. I’m OK with that. I’ll go with the majority. If I’m dealing with the public, I don’t want to assume that you celebrate Christmas. I don’t want to assume that if you did, that you could or would be able to have a happy or merry one. So sometimes I say ‘Happy Holidays’ which is recommended. Most of the time I say ‘Have a great day’ which is even less offensive.
Here’s the real problem. Why is Merry Christmas offensive?? December 25th is Christmas whether you celebrate it or not. When I wish you a Happy Christmas, I’m wishing you a Happy Day. I’m not telling you to go to church, I’m not telling you to sell out your own god, I’m not telling you to decorate your house, I’m not telling you to sacrifice a goat, I’m just wishing you Happy Days. Sunday Monday Happy Days. Tuesday Wednesday Happy Days. Thursday Friday Happy Days. Saturday, what a day, groovin all week with you. You know the rest. I’m just wishing you a happy day. Why is that offensive?? If you said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn’t be offended because I’m not Jewish. I’d be happy that you shared some positive words with me. I’d list off a few other examples, but I really don’t know that much about the other religious holidays. Just know that if your religion has a holiday where it’s customary to wish somebody well during that time, you can wish me well, and I would be happy that you did. Not offended, that’s absurd.
To make matters COMPLETELY worse, I’ve noticed a lot of Canadians who do celebrate Christmas posting stuff on their Facebook that is making is seem like ‘Happy Holidays’ is offensive to them because we should be saying Merry Christmas, and never mind what everybody else thinks about it. I understand the sentiment, but really??? You’re badmouthing ‘Happy Holidays’????
Everybody needs to just calm the fuck down!
Whether you believe in Jesus, Santa Claus or somebody or something else, or none of the above…… Christmas is a time to be cool. You’re not being cool! No matter what religion you are part of, the major holidays are about being with your family, friends and spreading good cheer. It’s not about money, expectations, stress and nonsense. All this arguing is bringing me down man. It’s petty. Grow Up!
Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Have a Great Day!!
R
Is Knitting Cool Now?
Anytime I see something out of the ordinary 4 different times in the same day, I have to assume that it is the ‘next cool thing’. I don’t receive whatever memo gets sent around, and I’m not on the same wave-length as whatever pop-star, or reality show actor (did I just say actor?) is setting the trends these days. As a result I’m often late to the party. I’m just a stand-by passenger on the ‘cool plane’. The last to board assuming I even get a seat. I do ride the subway system though, so if I seem to have my finger on the pulse of urban trends, it’s because if I can stay awake long enough, it will smack me in the face. What smacked me in the face this past week was young people knitting…..EVERYWHERE! Guys too! I mean girls get a pass on this, but young guys knitting? I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I compromised with subtle indifference, followed by a Monday blog.
As a proud owner of several Hawaiian shirts for a 3 month stretch in 2001, I would like to state that knitting being an ‘in thing’ kind of took me by surprise. I mean, you see old people knitting all the time, but they’re from a different time, and that’s something that people did back in the day. If you needed some socks, and there wasn’t money, or a store nearby, you knitted a pair. Done! If you got good at it, maybe you made a sweater for Johnny’s birthday, or a toque for baby Felicia. There were lots of acceptable reasons to knit back in the day, and when I see old people still doing it, it’s just part of their charm, like sending handwritten letters in the mail. When I see young people doing it in thriving urban locations???? I just don’t buy it.
Is this some sort of strange and wonderful renaissance where people have discarded their ‘does everything but scratch my nuts’ mobile devices in exchange for the simple pleasures of an old school hobby? Or is this just some weird extension of hipsterism that I don’t get (not that I got any of it before this)? I think it’s a fabulous thing for the universe, that something like this could actually be ‘coming back’. It’s skillful, crafty, and all of the things that this generation doesn’t seem to be. That’s why I’m having trouble believing that this became cool for the right reasons like it’s practical and creative. I believe that a hot teen vampire must have done it in a movie. That’s the only possible explanation. Am I right?
Whatever the case may be, I saw this 4 times in the same day. Is it the next big thing? Maybe. Is it just some crazy randomness? Possibly. If you want to be on the cutting edge of cool, best to not follow my predictions. I’m full of all sorts of wonderful information, but don’t hitch your wagon to what I think is the next big thing. Also, if I can give any advice, don’t buy into a fad too early. It’s always awesome to say that you were doing ‘whatever’ before everyone else, but if not everyone else ends up doing it, and ‘whatever’ was knitting on the subway??? It might not look as cool as you think.
My favourite example was in Chinatown on the bus. There was a young guy talking to these 3 Chinese chicks (he was white). He had just the right amount of calculated deshevelment to his appearance to pull off that ‘I’m interesting, but not a bum look’. He was charming these girls, and they were eating it up. I could tell that they had just met (they might have been from out-of-town though, and giving him that ‘happy tourist’ flirting), but I was sure he was saying/doing all the right things (based on no audio, but just visual cues as I was listening to my Ipod instead of him). Then in a move that I’m sure he thought was going to put him over the top, he pulled out the knitting he was working on. They started to giggle, I’m sure he thought in a ‘wow this guy is sooo interesting’ way, but to those of us who’d been around the block a few times it was more of a ‘wow this guy is fuckin weird’ way.
The moral of that story is that even if knitting is the next big thing, if you’re a young guy, you have to make sure that everyone is fully aware of how cool knitting is before you make a play like that. It’s like holding an ace which can be the best card in the deck depending on the rules of the game you’re playing, but it can also be a one. My Chinatown guy left the bus without any phone numbers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the knitting that cost him. It was a ballsy, cutting edge move, but not a universally cool one. Maybe in 6 months after this thing takes off a bit better he would have reaped the plentiful rewards that ‘knitting for cool’ had to offer. Not yet. He’s a trailblazer though. I know that for sure! Someday he’ll be able to wear his ‘scarf of Chinatown rejection’ like a hipster badge of honour! I salute him!
Dogs Don’t Like You
I see lots of people with dogs. Most people who own dogs are very passionate about it. I’m sure they’re passionate enough in some cases that I may make enemies here, but it’s time somebody said it. Your dog doesn’t like you!
Your dog doesn’t like a noose being tied around his neck and being dragged around the neighborhood, and pressured into taking a shit so you can go back inside.
Your dog doesn’t like the crazy smelling food you feed him that are ‘good for his bones and teeth’.
Your dog doesn’t like the roller coaster of emotions involving only throwing a tennis ball around when YOU’re in the mood.
Your dog doesn’t like being under house arrest, and having to make nice with you, the prison guard. He might make the best of it. After all, it’s a low security prison compared to the pet store where he was in solitary confinement.
Your dog thinks learning ‘pet tricks’ is demeaning. He does it because you give him snacks. Snacks are awesome. Everybody knows this! There isn’t, however, a dog in the world that wouldn’t prefer the killer combo of snacks AND dignity.
Your dog doesn’t like living in a neighborhood where people are always passing by the front of the house. He has to be on high friggin alert at all times! Do you have any idea how stressful that is? To not really know imminent danger from just some ordinary dude walking past the front of the house? Can’t you move to the country or something?
Your dog wants ice cream. He doesn’t like it when you take him out for ice cream, and don’t give him any. He wants some.
Finally, your dog probably doesn’t like you. He may occasionally show you a bit of affection, but it’s what’s commonly known as Stockholm Syndrome. You see, he has been kidnapped in a way. Owning a dog is not unlike owning a slave, which is soooooooo frowned upon, but other than the dog not being human, it can be pretty similar. I would say the experience is not unlike the movie Misery. The dog being James Caan, you being Kathy Bates. Don’t you think he’d rather be frolicking around in a forest or a jungle somewhere? Living by his wits? Hunting for food? Instead he’s letting us know when there’s someone at the door, and we feed him Alpo, and maybe give him the odd treat. Then we make him pee outside when the cat gets to do it inside. Then he just wants to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to rest his little doggy feet, we tell him to get the hell off and sit on the floor, so they don’t get their hair all over our precious furniture. If you don’t want dog hair in your house, then DON’T HAVE A DOG, STUPID!
The whole thing is hypocritical if you ask me. I’ll bet there’d be an outrage if I had a Panda holed up at my place eating bamboo shoots out of a can. Dogs got a raw deal man. Humans are oppressive creatures. Not to be trusted. They’ve set up a whole ‘Dog Industry’. There’s too much money in pet toys and grooming, and knitted doggie sweaters to set the dogs free. Even if we knew we were wrong (which I don’t think we do), it’s become too much of a tradition to make little Jimmy think that a furry non-human is the only thing that understands him. It’s gotta stop. It’s weird and wrong on like 723 levels.
FREE THE DOGS!! Stop chopping their balls off so they behave better (On what planet is that something you do to another living organism??) Let them run wild and free. I’m gonna get T-Shirts printed! ‘Puppy Liberation’ will be the first one. Another one could be ‘Who Let The Dogs………. Never mind, I’m sure that’s taken.
No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.
Subway Stories
I spend too much time taking public transit. I waste a good percentage of my life people watching. I figure between 6-9% of my days are devoted to this based on commute time divided by hours that I’m awake. This may be a recurring theme in my blog. Anybody that wants to write and is stuck for ideas needs to live in a big city and spend time on the bus or train. Everybody has a story, and you can either be a friendly dude and ask people for it, or you can quietly make up their story based on physical appearance, mannerisms and other evidence. I get a big kick out of speculating what a complete stranger might be spending the rest of their day doing, and what else might be going on in their lives outside of this bus ride. That’s only when I’m bored! Sometimes the things that are happening on my commute are so interesting, that I don’t even have time for these games.
The other day I saw the worst toupee I have ever seen in my entire life. I can’t even call it the worst, because I’m always strangely happy to see a bad toupee, so I will call it the best toupee I’ve ever seen. It was black, and it took up 90% of this guy’s head. Let’s just call it a wig. The problem was, you could see his white hair above his neck where the wig didn’t quite cover. Just a racing stripe of white hair at the bottom, enough so it blew his cover, and there’s no way the rest of it could pass for real hair. That was bad enough on its own, but this wig was not unlike what 70’s Elvis Presley’s hair looked like. Then I got a better look at him, and I saw that his glasses were not unlike something Elvis may have worn around that time too. I told someone this, and they said that maybe he was dressed up for some kind of festival or something, but that’s the thing…. he wasn’t. From the neck down he looked like any other guy in his 60’s. I would say if anything, his lack of flair for wardrobe combined with his Elvis theme from the neck up (mouth up really, because of the white stripe of real hair at the back) was startling. I promise, this was not some special outfit. This is how this guy looks and perceives himself. I’m positive this man looked at himself in the mirror that morning, put that wig on and thought he was the King!! He would have fit into my ‘Time Warp’ blog nicely a few months ago. It’s funny what vanity will have you do. Also ironic that the bad wig makes him look way more ridiculous than whatever he was trying to cover up with it.
Sometimes the subway train will stop for whatever reason. For a long time. I always think it’s a ‘jumper’, but I think there are various reasons including electrical problems, and construction that a train could get delayed. That doesn’t make it any less annoying when it happens, combined with being underground and having no cell phone reception to call work and let them know. If you’re like me, and you time your work commute so you arrive there 30 seconds before you start, then there’s not a huge margin for error. I could work at fixing myself, but instead I think I’ll complain about the transit system. I understand that these things happen, but my main annoyance is the announcements they make. They mumble! There’s absolutely no human being on earth or Krypton for that matter who can decipher these messages. They’re important too, but all you see is a train full of people with that wincing ‘I can’t hear’ face. If it isn’t the mumbling messenger, it’s the crappy speakers that can’t seem to handle the most basic function of capturing the human voice. Now here’s the conspiracy theory. I truly believe that they do it on purpose, and here’s why……. They are obligated to make an announcement, or else the paying customers which are trapped on this vessel in the middle of an underground tunnel will freak out. The problem is that sometimes if people knew the truth (there’s a fire… somebody’s dead…), they would freak out even more. So what do you do?? You install crappy speakers and teach your employees to mumble important announcements. I can just see them doing it on orientation day. ‘OK, now everyone grab a partner and practice sending important messages that nobody could ever possible receive’.
On Saturday I was trying to get home from work, and quickly because I had an out-of-town wedding reception to attend. I ran to the bus stop after work, and got there about 10 seconds ahead of the bus. There were 2 other people already at the bus stop. The bus driver did not pull over, but continued up the road. We all looked at each other like ‘did that just happen?’ There was no ‘Out of Service’ sign up. He just forgot to pull over. Here’s the thing though. There was a lot of traffic on the street, and he had to stop a little further up before the intersection. So we ran up to the bus, and started tapping on the door so he would let us on. This guy has the nerve to point out the bus stop up the street, and we were quick to point out that he hadn’t picked us up at the last one. He started arguing with us through the door (so I couldn’t hear him that well), and tried to say there was nobody there. Up until now I had been letting some girl handle the argument on our behalf, but then I kind of lost it, and pounded on the glass, and yelled a bit. I’m not proud of it, but the guy was pissing me off. Then he started yelling through the glass asking if I was going to cause him problems. I responded by telling him that I wouldn’t as long as he opened the door. Then this chick is like ‘I’m not causing problems, I don’t know him’ (referring to me). Thanks Chick!!! Perfect!! Throw me under the bus (not literally)!! So suddenly I’m Mr. Crazy??? Then this bus driver was saying ‘because I was thinking of pulling over but I don’t want any problems’. So I calmly walked over to the curb. He pulled over. We got on the bus, and I showed him my bus pass, neither of us making eye contact, and I went to my seat feeling like the ‘unreasonable one’. I didn’t wake up in the morning thinking I would intimidate a Bus Driver into taking me to the subway station. I always thought that if I stood patiently at a bus stop, that he would just pick me up and there’d be no drama. If he did his job properly, none of this would have happened, but that’s not really even why it happened. It’s because he, like 75% of people out there can’t admit he made a mistake. Why is that so hard for people? I wouldn’t have been mad if he just opened the door after he realized he screwed up, but why does he have to start telling stories (like nobody was standing there)? Just do your best, admit to your mistakes, and you will be forgiven. I’ll never understand why people have to go through life with this ‘perfect record’ of never being wrong, even if it means they have to make things up to support it. It’s dumb!
B.A.N. – Boycott Acronyms Now
Acronyms are completely out of control! Most horrible fads that are taking place right now are just being ignored by me until they go away. That’s not always how I like to deal with things, but it does work occasionally. They say to do that with bees if you’re afraid of them. ‘Ignore them and they’ll go away.’ That doesn’t work for me, so I maneuver my upper body to dodge them. Like Muhammad Ali arrogantly moving his head away from a punch, or like Keanu Reeves dodging bullets in the Matrix. Except instead of dodging punches and bullets, I’m dodging tight jeans and 80s glasses (If you visualize these things actually slowly flying towards me, and me moving away from them in slow motion like an action star…… it’s funny….. at least in my mind it is.)
Sadly acronyms are no fad. They are here to stay. I’m a reasonable person. I, myself will tell you that we picked up some KFC on the way home yesterday, and I have enough leftovers in the fridge that I can probably eat it again after I’m finished this blog. Kentucky Fried Chicken is a mouthful (both figuratively and literally) and it makes sense to shorten it to KFC. That, my friends, is a great acronym.
What makes a great acronym??? It’s an instantly recognizable short form for something. What makes a not-so great acronym? That is a much longer answer……
Here are some dos and don’ts (mostly don’ts) when it comes to using or inventing acronyms. I feel strongly about these, and would like somebody to lobby for legislation. Yes….. the government needs to get involved. All governments!!! This is becoming a worldwide epidemic.
1. First of all, if you have a business, and want an acronym for your business, you should have to do at least $50 million dollars a year in annual sales to get an acronym. That’s right!!! An acronym should be earned, not just taken. If you’re business name is ‘The Guy That Sells Carpet in Pittsburgh”, you are not GSCP!!! Unless you are the only person selling carpet in Pittsburgh, and everyone there knows you because everyone there walks on your carpet every day because you have a monopoly on carpet there……. then you are GSCP!! BTW, GSCP is ‘Goldman Sachs Capital Partners’ or ‘Global Supply Chain Planning’ or ‘Ground Support Computer Program’ etc.
2a. This is an extension of the first one, but if you don’t have a strong enough brand, and the acronym doesn’t take, then stop pushing for it. A great example is the Bank of Montreal. They are proud sponsors of Toronto Raptors basketball (yes I still watch them). They have been trying to re-brand themselves as BMO for as long as I care to remember, yet in their commercials they say “BMO -Bank of Montreal”. You shouldn’t be allowed to do that. If you want an acronym so badly, then let it ride and call yourself BMO!! If you don’t think that the public ‘gets it’, then abort the acronym and call yourself Bank of Montreal. You can’t do both, it’s redundant and stupid. I say a 2 year maximum on this foolishness. Shit or get off the pot. BMO-Bank of Montreal has been doing this for many years. Maybe it’s because BMO is the ‘British Mathematical Olympiad’ or ‘Business Management Office’ or ‘Ballistic Missile Organization’
2b. Also on the topic of redundancy…… if another kid comes up to me and says ‘YOLO… you only live once’, I’m gonna strangle them. I’m happy you kids are learning new slang through rap songs. Half of what I know in this world I learned through rap songs, but……. don’t say YOLO, and then explain what it means to me in the next sentence. Either say ‘YOLO’ (only if you think I’ll understand without further explanation), or say ‘you only live once’. Saying both is like driving with one foot on the gas, and the other one on the brake at the same time. Only people who don’t know how to drive do that. YOLO can also stand for ‘Yell Out Loud Obnoxiously’, ‘You’re Only Lesbian Online’, ‘You Only Love Oreos’ (I shit you not by the way).
3. Finally, the texting language. I hoped this would go away, but it won’t. It’s just going to get worse, and I predict we will get a full novel in text form within the next 5 years. It’s inevitable. Actually, that was a pretty good idea. The media would be all over that. If any of you decide to do this, I want 5% of the gross. I have boycotted ‘LOL’. I did it years ago. I remember at first I had no idea what it meant. I probably could have looked it up, but never bothered. I just waited until somebody told me. It’s stupid. Nobody laughs out loud that often. If somebody texts me something funny, I just say Haha. Way better. I could be LOL-ing or just politely Haha-ing. Nobody can tell. I guess a few texting short forms are OK, but I feel like it’s getting out of hand too. Congratulations to anyone that was going to call me out on BTW-ing earlier. I was just testing to see if you were paying attention. These are good ones. SMH on the other hand…… I thought it meant ‘suck my hole’ for the last 2 years. In hindsight I’m not proud that it was the first thing that jumped into my mind when I saw the acronym for ‘Scratching My Head’. It wasn’t until I got an SMH waaaay out of context that I realized it couldn’t mean that. It could also mean ‘St. Michael’s Hospital’ or ‘Sydney Morning Herald’ or ‘Sanitary Man Hole’.
All alternate acronym definitions were courtesy of www.acronymfinder.com. Yes…. there is such a thing, and you wouldn’t believe how out of control it’s gotten. Let’s just B.A.N. this now! B.A.N. can also stand for ‘Bachelor of Arts in Nursing’ or ‘Brothers Across Nigeria’ or ‘Budget Allocation Notice’
Olympinions
I’m as much of a sucker for the Olympics as I previously blogged about being for Disney! Maybe more-so. This is my chance to avidly follow people I don’t know playing sports I’ve never watched before, and do so passionately. I practically threw the converter in heartbreak when the Canadian women’s soccer team lost to the U.S. today. It’s the first women’s soccer game I’ve ever watched. I like the idea that people have spent their entire lives preparing for a moment that in some cases lasts under a minute. Not saying I’d do it……but I will happily watch someone else do it. It’s inspiring. There are a lot of emotional moments. I ‘almost cry’ a lot during the Olympics. Shut up man… you probably do too!!
Like anything in this world worth watching, the Olympics aren’t perfect. There’s always some crazy controversy surrounding some of the events. I have opinions on some of these matters, but I’m going to steer this blog toward some thoughts that have popped into my head over the last week while watching the Olympics.
In no particular order…….(Some of this may be wildly inaccurate)
– I feel bad for the badminton teams that got kicked out because they tried to throw the match. A lot of times it’s the coaches, and powers that be that make these decisions to do something dumb like throw a match. The athletes are the ones that pay the price. I feel this way about steroids as well, and don’t give me the business about the ‘athlete should just say no’. It doesn’t always work that way.
– I think there are too many swimming medals. I’m not trying to say that Michael Phelps isn’t the greatest Olympian ever, but other sports don’t award like 5 or 6 medals for doing the same thing (just at different distances). A Judo guy can only win one medal, so can a basketball team. They have to play a lot of matches to get there. If you’re the fastest swimmer in the world and you know a few different strokes, there’s no shortage of medal possibilities. I find it anti-climactic to see a swimmer not win a medal, but then get 5 more shots at it.
– I had a friend suggest to me last night that there should be retractable diving boards so divers wouldn’t hit their heads. I agree with this. I don’t like hearing about divers hitting their heads on the board. It’s dangerous. I know that’s part of the sport and it adds to the level of difficulty, but safety should come first. Everybody wants professional football and hockey to lower their concussion rate….. why not diving. If they can make an Ipod smaller than a Triscuit, then someone could invent the retractable diving board.
– Some dude threw a plastic bottle onto the track just before the 100 metre sprint finals. Apparently he’s gone to court and plead not-guilty. Here’s the thing……How much of a jackass do you have to be to spend the money to go to the Olympics (which I’m sure isn’t the easiest to get tickets for, especially the 100 metre final), and think that it’s a good idea to throw something onto the track like you’re the show that everyone came to see? Like somehow, with your graceful throwing of the water bottle you could somehow upstage (arguably) the most anticipated event in the entire games? Big time jackass is the answer I’m looking for. Will he get a fine? Prison time? I don’t know, but I’m a firm believer in ironic punishments. Since this guy wants to be the show, I think they should string him up naked (as well as some of his closest friends, because the only reason you throw a bottle at a track meet is for a story to tell your friends, and if he has the type of friends that would be impressed by such a story, then they deserve to be punished as well) in front of the entire crowd at the 4X100 relay finals, and invite all the finalists from the 100 meter to come out with a bucket of empty bottles. Set the timer for 10 minutes and let these sprinters throw the bottles at their idiotic naked bodies from point blank range for 10 straight minutes while the crowd enjoys what I call Olympic Spirit, and Ironic Justice!!
Those are my Olympinions. What are yours?
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