Mother’s Day……. This should work out…. I don’t think the movie theater will be too packed…….. I wouldn’t take my mother to a movie on Mother’s Day…….unless that’s what she wanted to do I guess……some people might, but I doubt it……I guess some people without mothers might be there………I just hope it’s not packed…….Which movie???……..Avengers will be too busy….. it can wait…..how about the Tim Burton one with Johnny Depp?……. Funny previews…..Should be delightfully weird…..God, this theatre smells like urine…… This is not even an old theater……They’ve built and torn down so many movie theaters within a 30 mile of radius of here in my lifetime….. I’m not even that old……Who am I kidding?….I’m old……I’m glad we had a big dinner….. I hate the greasy feeling of popcorn butter working its way through my body and greasing up my pores like 10 minutes after I eat it……. but I love popcorn…..no drinks this time….. I always have to piss like a racehorse during these movies…….I think it’s these seats…. they rock too much……. I feel like I’m at sea……did they just play an interactive trivia game on the screen with people’s phones?…. How do they figure out the winners and put them on the screen so quickly?….. i hate technology…. and people………gotta remember not to let the back of my head touch the back of this seat…… don’t be a tommy texter… that’s funny….. not really funny, but cute…..not really cute, but hopefully effective……. this is a good crowd….. mostly adults….. not too packed…..when’s the last time there was a summer blockbuster that wasn’t either a sequel, a comic book story, or a remake?……These previews are pretty good……If I remember later I might come see one of these…… who’s the idiot that just said out loud “hit the fast forward button”???…… It’s an older guy here with his teenage son……. sitting in my row…..the son is probably embarrassed……what hope do you have as a kid if your father is always the most immature idiot in the room?……always near me too……. every show, concert or ballgame I go to, there’s always someone in the crowd that thinks THEY are the show, and invariably they are sitting beside or in front of me……..like they will enhance my viewing pleasure with their witty remarks, which almost always AREN’T witty by my standards…….I have a rule about heckling in any audience, which is if you are going to do it, you better be at least twice as good or funny as the people you are heckling, or shut the fuck up!!!…… I know I’m not a lot of fun……all of the funny stuff from the previews has already happened in the first 10 minutes of this film……. that either means there was sooooo much funny stuff to choose from, that they just grabbed stuff from the first 5 minutes, or the rest of the movie will be a long ride downhill……..Johnny Depp is amazing, but how many more times are they gonna milk the ‘I’m a vampire who’s been asleep for 200 years and this is culture shock’ premise for a laugh?…….At least 6 more times…….These characters have no depth…….I can’t believe how well the cut on my finger healed today…….I thought I was going to need stitches……If I blog about this later should I use the Canadian spelling of theatre or the American spelling of theater? How do they spell it in Europe????…….maybe I’ll do some of both……I’m so glad we were able to use passes for this movie…….hungry now… wish I had popcorn, and to hell with the consequences……this is only marginally better than the one where he’s the demon barber….. why can’t I remember the names of any of these movies?…….. was that a musical???………aaaaaand time
Coffee without cream is like……….
I am out of sorts….. I shouldn’t be. It’s the last day of my vacation. I’m home now, and it’s a Monday so the rest of the world is at work, but I won’t be until Tuesday. Perfect day to waste farting around. We went grocery shopping yesterday because we’d been out-of-town and the fridge was empty. I’m stocked up. I don’t need to go anywhere until 8pm. So I put on some coffee this morning, and guess what??? No cream in the fridge.
Let me put something out there. I’m a coffee snob and I’m not. I’m not a coffee snob in the sense that I don’t have a French Press, and I don’t drink my coffee straight (I require lots of cream and sugar), and I’m not above drinking flavored coffees (just the opposite, I LOOOOOVVVEEE flavored coffees…… BTW for all my Canadian friends, it’s just easier for me to spell flavour the American way. You’ll also note later that I’ll do the same thing with favour). I’m a coffee snob in the sense that if you come into my home and I offer you a coffee, I have the necessary accessories to fulfill this request, and the necessary coffee brewing skills to do it right, so that you WILL enjoy your coffee here. Part of that is having cream in the fridge at all times. It’s amazing to me how many homes you can go into where they offer you coffee and don’t have half the shit you need to make a good cup of coffee. Quite honestly, I’d rather not go down that road with you. If good coffee isn’t important to you, then don’t offer it. Chances are I’m not visiting with you first thing in the morning and a caffeine jolt is not the issue. Make a drink that you’re good at making, or offer (COLD) water, which everyone who has a fridge or ice cubes is good at making. If you want to be the type of person that offers coffee to people who come over, then make that $5 investment per 2 months (which is how long it usually stays good in the fridge), and have some fucking cream! BTW, if I can help you with the math, $5 over 2 months is about $30 a year, which is a small price to pay to have a good reputation among coffee drinkers.
I’m not suggesting that it’s a true necessity of being a good host to have great coffee at your place, just as I would never expect you to have good beer at your place, or good wine, or good anything. I just think people need to know their limits as hosts, and stay within them. If I come over asking for a coffee, then it’s my own problem if your coffee is shit, but if you’re offering, then I’m assuming it’s good.
A good parallel might be if I wanted to borrow your car which really had a bad muffler problem, and you’re kind enough to lend it to me, I should really tolerate that issue, and perhaps think twice before asking to borrow your car again. Now if you’re OFFERING me that car to borrow for the day, I’d be much happier if it were in good repair. NOW it looks bad on you. The message is ‘do me a favor and don’t do me any favors’. Don’t offer me your broke down car, and don’t offer me coffee if you don’t have the first sweet clue how to brew a cup (or have cream and sugar).
Having said that, I have no cream in the fridge right now. I’m not going back to the store on principle alone, because I was just there yesterday. Right now I’m choking down some otherwise lovely coffee from Vienna……… with milk. Some of you think that’s an acceptable substitute. I’m here to tell you it’s not.
Coffee without cream is like Andrew Ridgeley without George Michael, like the Boston Red Sox without Terry Francona, like 1985 without neon, like running without scissors, like KISS without the makeup, like bumper stickers that aren’t hilarious, like biographies with no controversy, like party mix without cheesies…. ok, you get it.
I do realize that other people have worse problems than this, so I’m very fortunate that the worst thing that will probably happen to me today is that I had to have milk in my coffee. Still though….. it’s horrible.
R
Hot Tub Time Share Machine
Hey all……
I’m on Vacation in Orlando! Yay for me 🙂 I didn’t know if I’d get a chance to write a blog or not, since there is sun to be lying in, pools to be swimming in, and theme parks to be gauged at (financially of course). Luckily (for me) we are staying at a time share resort, and if you are familiar with those arrangements, you’ll have probably already sat through one of their sales pitches (information sessions as they like to call it). I didn’t think that I’d be able to get a blog in this week (breaking a 2 week streak of successfully doing so), but due to the heroic efforts of my wife, and in-laws (who are sitting through a presentation as we speak), I was able to get an hour of free time with the lap top. So if you end up taking a liking to my musings of the day, please take some time to think about the sacrifices that were made by others to make this happen as well as ensure that we secured a reasonable rental rate for inflatable tubes for the duration of our stay.
As you read more of my blogs and some of my crusty disposition comes out a little more, you might be surprised to know that I am a sucker for theme parks, and particularly susceptible to the charms of Disney. I would go as far as saying it’s ‘magical’ (a word I’ve used to describe BBQ, and bowel movements…… but only the very best ones). As a guy who’s afraid of heights, I enjoy the slow-moving detailed approach to Disney. It’s not a bunch of big, fast, high rollercoasters. It’s little carts slowly moving through a lazy river of meticulous detail, from the way the characters mouths move in sync with the music, to the mist they spray on the back of your neck to make a fake jungle seem like a real jungle. It’s parades in the street with dancing Goofies and fireworks and candy apples. It’s photo ops with stuffed animals, balloons, and happiness. IF THEY COULD TAKE HAPPINESS AND SHOOT IT INTO YOUR MISERABLE LITTLE VEINS, only then could you possibly, maybe understand a bit of what Disney is all about……….I just read this back to myself…..what a loser! Anyways, it’s fun and I’m looking forward to that tomorrow. Today is all about the inflatable tubes. Swimming will never be the same.
On another note, if you’ve been following this blog since it’s inception (2 weeks ago), maybe you noticed that I changed the layout. I’m not really good at this stuff so I took one of the pre-selected options. I think this one is called ‘Elegant Grunge’. That sounds so cool. I don’t know what the other one was called, but if I was commissioned to make a name for it, I would call it “Kid eats way too much fucking cotton candy, washes down with cream soda and projectile vomits”.
My Mom’s birthday is tomorrow…. Happy Birthday Mom!!
R
Who gets to use HOV Lanes??
I wait in lines.
For groceries, the bank, the bus….. you name it, I wait. Patiently. I don’t try to sneak in front of anyone, or manipulate the line in any way. When my turn comes, it comes. I give dirty looks to those that try to interrupt the natural progression of the line for their own gain or convenience. I get the urge to hit people who don’t ‘fall in’. To this point I’ve always fought that urge successfully, I just quietly stew. The line is one of the only perfect things in our society. First come, first serve. In an unfair life, a well executed line is fair. Getting in line is always a choice. If the line is too long, you usually have the option to not get in. Don’t mistake me for someone who likes to wait, because I’m in as much of a hurry as anybody. I respect the line though.
One day I’m on the highway with a friend of mine. He’s driving. He looks over at me and says “Finally, I get to use the HOV Lane”, and steers the car into the far left lane. He starts shooting past the other traffic with enthusiastic efficiency.
I had seen these new lanes popping up around on the highways, but didn’t really know what they were there for, or who was able to use them. Upon further research I found out who was able to use them. Everybody but me!
This goes against the system we had before which was an imperfect version of the ‘line’ system. It operates exactly like a line, except there are a lot of cases where there are multiple lanes. We tried to adapt. Faster traffic to the left, slower to the right. The system is perfect, but humans usually find a way to screw it up. I can live with this. What I don’t like is the fact that the government has invented the equivalent of a night club V.I.P. entrance on their roads. While some poor suckers have to line up, the big-shots get to by-pass the line and get in quicker.
Who gets in? Vehicles with 2 or more people, emergency vehicles, busses, limos, taxis….. Everybody but me!
This means anybody not travelling alone including circus clowns, dodgeball teams, wookies, mad scientists, serial killers, aliens, clarinet players, 16 year olds, trekkies, mortgage brokers, opium farmers, superhero alter-egos…… Everybody but me!!
I’m already driving alone in the car with nobody to keep me company, and drivers that are accompanied by companions get to bypass the traffic? They don’t get as bored if they’re stuck in traffic!! Allow me to continue though. Ninjas, vegans, rock stars, brain surgeons, zombies, gangsters, pool boys, mascots….Everybody but me!!
The line was the perfect system. If there were problems with traffic, it was due to bad drivers, inclement weather, and construction. It was never the line system. This new arrangement will be considered acceptable though, if you are 2 or more of the following. Computer geeks, stamp collectors, astronauts, monkeys that look like humans, bakers, personal assistants, wedding parties, steroid users, porn stars, tourists, celery eaters, murder detectives……
Everybody but me.
Blintrog
Hello world!!!
Welcome to ‘Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants’!! I have so much explaining to do. To express my excitement, I’ve already used 5 exclamation marks. I thought the best way to explain why I’m here, and what I’m doing would be to go through the 5 W’s of this process, but then I decided that I didn’t have the attention span for that, so here are some random bits of information designed to make this the most concise, informative blintrog ever!!
I’m a creative guy who has lots of opinions. I frequently update Facebook or some other social media outlet with my ‘thoughts and rants’ (actually it’s really just Facebook right now), but I’m far too verbose for their character restrictions. I can’t summarize what’s in my mind into a couple of neat little sentences. I ramble. Most people see my status updates and do the right thing, which is ignore them. Yet there always seem to be a few people that either like encouraging bad behaviour, or genuinely enjoy hearing what I have to say about the world and/or public transportation. Based on some positive feedback I’ve taken the next step as a writer, which is to write blogs. (BTW, that may not in fact be one’s next step as a writer, it just happens to be mine.)
A writer??? Really??? Maybe, who knows. It’s been on my bucket list to write a book. I haven’t gotten any sort of education to that end or even practiced my craft, so that I’d be good at it when the time came. I haven’t even done anything to become famous so if I did write a book, people would would buy it. Those are just details though. I’m the type of person that has always dreamed of parlaying minimal effort into money success and adoration. I might be wrong for that, but a guy can dream. What better time in our world’s history than now to make such a dream come true? Youtube manufactures anonymous superstars everyday. Can WordPress.com be far behind?
Here I go again! Another half assed attempt at a new career. I will try write a blog every Monday morning before I even change out of my jogging pants (which is what I wear to bed…. sexy I know). Some weeks I will give you thoughts, and other weeks it will be rants. You will know how much coffee I’ve had by the cohesiveness of my words. I apologize if I’m not still doing this 2 months from now. I tend to distract easily, and if the wind blows in an intriguing new direction I’ve been known to wander over there.
I hope you enjoyed my Blintrog!! What’s a Blintrog? It’s an intro blog, dummies!!! Call Websters, I want credit for that (but not badly enough to call them myself).
R
thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants 