Tag Archives: Humour

February 18, 2013

Travelaudacity

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So this post is supposed to be a travel rant. I just want to say this. I am loopy on cold medication. Oh I know… put that up there with the rest of the excuses for either writing a bad blog or wanting to get extreme credit for writing a good blog, like…..There’s something in my eye, my dog keeps humping my leg, I’m stuck in a snow bank, too many creditors are calling my home at once, I have plantar fasciitis, my coffee maker is broken, I have writer’s block, I don’t speak English, I’m at work, my humidifier is making the room to humid, I’m drunk, my Ipod keeps playing the Pet Shop Boys, my baby is drooling on my face, last night’s pork was overcooked, they might have used asbestos during the construction of my parent’s house, I have emotional problems, there’s a jolly rancher stuck to the couch cushion, I have kidney stones, my life sucks and I’m too depressed to write, my life’s amazing and now I have nothing compelling to write about, I have a stain on my new shirt, I’m being held back in life because my pre-school teacher never believed in me, I have a hang nail on the ring finger equivalent of my toes, I wanna go outside and play, the gym that I’ve never been to wants me to come in for a fitness assessment….. today!!!!!! All this and I still managed to get a blog off??? That’s damn near heroic!! OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

Travelaudacity is supposed to be like travelocity, but since I’m trying to tell you bad things about travelling, I put audacity instead of ocity, but then I wasn’t sure if you’d get it, so I’m explaining it, but then if I have to explain it, it probably wasn’t worth saying, but if it was worth saying, and you did get the ‘wordplay’, then I’ve probably completely ruined it by explaining it, and I should have just shown confidence in it (because I have this thing about combining two concepts in the same word like “Blintrog” which was the first blog I ever wrote, and it was like an Intro and a Blog, but I combined the two to make Blintrog… get it???), but I don’t know if this concept was strong enough, and I feel insecure about it, and when I’m insecure, I overexplain. NOT TO MENTION when I looked up the spelling of audacity, I noticed that one of the definitions was the willingness to take bold risks which is actually a pretty cool personality trait, but I of course was referring to the definition that indicated rude or disrespectful behaviour, just in case you weren’t 100% clear about what Travelaudacity was supposed to be about. OK, this is getting out of hand. Let me start over.

I had to fly on Delta Airlines last week. I wanted to bring a bag. A real bag, like luggage. Not just a carry-on. Not a full-on suitcase disguised as a carry-on either which (if I didn’t just say it in a recent blog) is the most obnoxious thing going. I wanted to check a bag. This costs $25. I know it used to be free back in the day, but that’s not my rant. (Although it could be my rant because if they didn’t charge $25, then more people would check their bags, and then they wouldn’t stuff them into overhead compartments, and then dislodge a plastic thingy when they tried to get it out, and nearly poke my friggin eye out). I just wanted to let you my faithful readers know that when you pay $25 to check a bag with Delta, they give you what’s called an ‘excessive baggage’ ticket. I was gone for 5 (turned into 7 because of snow storm) days, and I brought one suitcase. I don’t think that is ‘excessive’. If I brought 4 suitcases, then you can give me an excessive baggage ticket, but one suitcase for a 5 days??? Not excessive. I would say it’s the ‘appropriate baggage’. I would have liked to get an ‘appropriate baggage’ ticket from Delta.

Have you ever booked travel and noticed that a connecting flight is generally cheaper than a direct flight? I’ve had this explained to me by numerous people and I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’m no genius!! Argue it all you want…..(No seriously I’d love to have the argument with you where you try to convince me that I’m a genius, and I humbly try to talk you down like ‘no no… not a genius…’ please, can we do that argument next time I see you?) but I do know a tiny bit about business. I’m not going to oversell how much I know about it, but most of my adult life, I’ve been involved in business on some level with varying degrees of success peppered with wildly high levels of failure. All that being said, HOW THE FUCK CAN RIDING ON 2 AIRPLANES BE CHEAPER THAN RIDING ON 1 AIRPLANE???? There are roughly double the costs. Double the employees, double the fuel, double the mechanics making sure it’s running smoothly, double the flight attendants, double the bits and bites, double the pilots, double the guys that take our ‘excessive baggage’ from one plane and put it on another. There’s no way you can tell me that the costs of having me take a connecting flight is cheaper than me taking a direct flight (when one is available). I think that’s why some of these airlines are struggling. They fail to comprehend the basic mathematics behind their business. They should be encouraging people to take direct flights!! Do you know how much time and energy they waste on re-booking passengers that miss their connectors?? The stupidity of it all amazes me continuously.

Happy Travels!

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February 5, 2013

Stuff I Thought Of To Say Today

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

For the second straight week I’m out of the country. Still bringing you the bloggiest ideas that are rattling around in my little brain. I’m tired. I’m not saying this will suck, but I am planting some excuses into the gardens of your mind just in case it does. I promised Monday blogs and sometimes it’s just not an easy thing.

Here are some half-cooked thoughts and ideas for your consideration…….

– In the United States, they have urinals in mens bathrooms. Why are 50% the urinals here ‘child sized’?? A child probably doesn’t even use a urinal until he’s 4. By the time he’s 10, he’s tall enough to use a regular sized urinal. How many goddamn 3.5 feet tall men do you think there are in an American bathroom at any one time?? Certainly not 50% of the population. Unless coach is taking the little league team to Burger King after a game, this is a non factor. I think a 5 to 1 ratio would be acceptable.

– I saw an ad today and I didn’t know it was for the Olympics. It said ‘we are one year away from one of the biggest sporting events in the world.’ Yeah, next year’s Superbowl!!!

– Too many VIPs. There used to just be a regular lineup, and a VIP lineup. I walked past a Vegas nightclub the other day that must have had 6 different lineups! I even heard an ad that said ‘tired of waiting in the VIP lineup’?? There shouldn’t be much waiting in the VIP lineup, because if you’re truly VIP, you should get in right away. I think there is no regular lineup anymore, and the VIP is the old regular lineup. Air Canada has Elite members, and Super Elite members, and Star Club members. Too many VIPs. Give me regular, and special, and that’s as far as it needs to go. Gold card, Platinum Card, Black Card……Silver membership, Gold membership, Platinum membership. They’re trying to make everyone feel special in their own little unspecial way. Not everyone is special all the time. Knock it off!

– So tired of these fucking air travellers whose time is too important to check their luggage and wait at the carousel with all the other slobs, so they bring a full friggin suitcase onto the plane with them, and jam it into the overseat bin where it doesn’t fit, and then nobody else can fit their stuff up there. It’s cramped and crowded because now everyone is carrying stuff on their laps and under their seats, all so a few jackasses can avoid baggage claim. Today one guy had his suitcase jammed up there so bad that a long piece of plastic got dislodged and damn near put my eye out. “Oh Sorry”

– I saw a chick on the subway a few weeks ago. She was sleeping with a ‘rockstar energy drink’ in her hand. That’s not a very good endorsement for the drink.

– I saw an ad for a Dyson air dryer that indicated it was 80% faster. It didn’t say faster than what though. I think they were hoping I would assume it was the competition. I think it’s only 80% faster than me blowing on my own hands.

Ok… I’m out of tricks

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January 29, 2013

Back to the Future Too

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I was walking through a Las Vegas hotel shopping center this morning when I saw the Marty McFLy Nikes from Back to the Future 2, when he goes to the future and they have flying cars, auto drying jackets, hoverboards, and of course Nikes with power laces. That was supposed to be 2015. It’s 2013 now, and I don’t see a lot of that future happening right now. Although we did come up with the internet which is far more efficient than the 17 fax machines scattered over the future McFly household.

My 3 month old son was not impressed by these shoes. He’s part of this new generation of kids that apparently aren’t impressed with anything. I can’t wait to show him these movies, but I don’t know how I’ll explain it to him. ‘Son, this kid hangs out with an old scientist…..okay wait….. this kid goes to the past in a time machine, but then in part 2 he goes to the future, which is now in the past, and……wait wait…. ok just watch it!!! Trust me, it’s awesome.’ But is it? Will it be awesome for him? Probably not. Why? Because my father grew up watching westerns and that was never awesome to me. Who knows what my son will like? Who knows what his life will include?

Will my son have to deal with a Biff Tannen? Will he have his own version of the ‘Enchantment Under the Sea’ dance?Will there be a short-lived phenomenon like Pepsi Free? (If you want a Pepsi kid, you’re gonna have to pay for it.) Will there be a Cafe 80s (please let there be a Cafe 80s). Will ‘butthead’ be an appropriate thing to call people? Will he understand the implications of 1.21 Jigawatts, and will he be able to purchase plutonium at the corner store? (Because we all know that the only other thing that could possibly generate that kind of power would be a bolt of lightning!!!). Will he be the kind of guy that would want to show his dad a few tricks (like how to talk to girls and ask them to the dance??…..Whatever kid, you never would have been born if I didn’t already know that stuff ;)). Will he know that if he puts his mind to it, he can accomplish anything? Will he know that it’s not necessary to worry about somebody calling him chicken? (Even if it was Flea, the bass player from the Red Hot Chili Peppers, who are now in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame!!) Will he want to ‘Save The Clock Tower’? Will he be a guitar player? Will he dream of having a big truck to take his girlfriend camping with? Will he be a slacker according to school officials? Will he think everything is heavy? Will he be a skateboarder? Will he try to get rich betting on sporting events only to watch somebody else get rich betting on sporting events? Will he be able to steer clear of all the manure trucks that life has to offer?

Only time will tell!

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January 21, 2013

Fantasies I Occasionally Have

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Some mornings I wake up and wish I was going to the roller rink so I could tell the DJ to put on ‘Lovely Day’ by Bill Withers and I would do the most kick ass roller skating routine ever….. and I would win a trophy…..and hundreds of people would be cheering, and I’d be drinking a 7Up like ‘yeah’…. and I’d get the girl in the end… you know, the one that it seemed like I might have had a chance with, but there was also a chance that it wasn’t gonna work out probably because of some other guy, but then somehow my roller skating performance cemented the outcome, and of course my enemies come around and end up being cool with me…. and then I would be back in high school again, and I would probably be a misunderstood nerd, but somehow the most popular girl in the school would need help graduating, and because I’m a nerd, I help her, and then near the end of the school year there’s a prom or something, and I end up going with her instead of her going with the captain of the football team, and me going with an equally nerdy girl who I’d probably have more in common with, and there’d be a subplot where the football team wanted to kill me, but then I’d do something really cool and all my enemies would be cool with me….. and then I’d be a vampire who ate Cheetos…..constantly…. instead of blood, and all the other vampires thought I was an idiot, and I’d fall in love with a girl who wasn’t a vampire, and I’d have to protect her from the others….and even though I was hundreds of years old I’d act as vulnerable as an 11-year-old, and everyone would overlook my long fingernails, and then somehow I’d destroy all the other vampires (except the ones who were cool with me) and get the girl in the end….. then I’d be a pilot or an astronaut or something, but I’d have a drinking problem or something, but my flying skills would be unparalleled, and all of the other pilots or astronauts or whatever would resent me because “Nobody’s ever flown like that before” and the teacher/princess/’by the book’ co-worker who didn’t like me taking risks would develop an unreasonable attraction towards me which she would try to deny herself of until she just couldn’t take it any more because I was in some kind of danger or something, and her boyfriend showed his true colours by revealing himself as a completely insensitive asshole…… I of course would successfully complete the mission, get the girl, and convert the non-believers……. and then I’m a cop with a checkered past who keeps getting suspended because I let trying to catch bad guys get in the way of proper department protocol….. but then when I’m suspended, I do a bunch of police work anyways, because I am JUST THAT PASSIONATE about being a cop. I get partnered up with someone I have nothing in common with even though I’ve made it perfectly clear that I HATE working with partners….. somehow through all of this, we develop a close relationship, and after 3 or 4 days of arguing we form the strongest bond ever and nobody could ever tear us apart! We catch the bad guys, make the guys who took over the case (when I got suspended) look like idiots, get reinstated, are awarded medals presented by the Police Commissioner who now thinks we’re the greatest thing ever because we make him look good, and I get the girl (oh…. there was no girl in this one…… let’s call her the hostage???)……then I’m trying out for the varsity team, but I’m too small (even though my heart is HUGE!!!!!!!), and the coach won’t play me because my marks are bad, so I get a tutor who only agrees to help me if I’m ‘all in – no excuses’, but the thing is I can’t read, so we have to go study like crazy, and this is all done ‘montage style’, and during the montage I’m also playing the sport that I’m trying out for and slowly getting better with a buddy on the team who believes in me when everyone else doesn’t. I pass the big test, get re-instated, help the team win the big game, and get the girl (tutor)…… then……. I realize that I have to go to work and that’s enough of that. End Scene.

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January 1, 2013

Holiday Retail Pet Peeves

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So it’s New Year’s Eve, and I’ve cancelled all plans to bring you this blog. I said I would blog on Mondays, and I won’t be stopped. Not even for the biggest party night of the year! Don’t worry about me though. I’m fully equipped with a bottle of wine, 4 different kinds of cheese, and a screaming baby in the background. I’ll get through this.
I’ve spent a few chunks of my adult life as a Retail Manager, and during the holiday shopping season the job description includes being a sales person and letting my paperwork pile up. I don’t mind that. I like being on the sales floor (when I’m in a good mood, and I find people tolerable). The holidays only come around once a year and it’s time to get that money if you’re a retailer.
I’m sure you’ve heard plenty of people talk about their holiday shopping nightmares, and you’ve probably had some yourself. Let me tell you that on the other side of that equation it’s not all rainbows and puppy dogs either. It’s more like caffeine and tolerance. For I have crossed path with every pigeon brained bozo allowed to roam the malls freely, and it’s changed the way I view humanity.
Here are (just) a few of my Holiday Retail Pet Peeves…….

– People who say ‘just looking’ after you say hello to them. I didn’t ask why you were here…. I just said hello. I kind of don’t mind this if I think you don’t speak English, but I find it kind of rude the rest of the time. I’m sure you think that I’m some crazy shark of a sales person (which is true) who’s going to hound you until you buy something (which isn’t true), and I’m sure that you’ve been victimized in the past by somebody very slick that has ridden you around the store like a donkey, and made your life completely miserable. So maybe it’s a defence mechanism to avoid situations like that. I understand, but I still don’t think it’s reasonable that when someone says ‘Hello’, or ‘How are you?’ that you should treat them like a non-human by saying ‘just looking’. Show a bit of courtesy by answering the question you were asked. You’re a guest in my store. Be polite!
– People who come in on December 23rd to try to resolve warranty issues. Don’t you know that this is the absolute busiest day of the entire year? You’re bringing me this issue that you could bring to me ANY DAY OF THE YEAR, and you chose today?? Have some respect!!
– People who try to get price adjustments for ANY reason whatsoever. If there’s a sale, and you weren’t there, you missed it. Too bad. If you bought something and the price lowered a week later, too bad! Why are you visiting items you’ve already purchased anyways. Part of buying something when its new is paying full price. If you wait until it’s stale, then maybe you get a discount. You shouldn’t be able to have it both ways, and any store that accommodates this is stupid. The customer is almost always WRONG. Let’s get the culture back to that reality. My favourite is when they come in whining about how they missed out on a promotion, and tell you it’s not fair (like a 4-year-old). Cancer isn’t fair!! You missing out on a sale is just fine in the grand scheme of things. Grow up!
– People that leave their Christmas shopping until December 23rd, and expected shit to be sweet when they get to the mall. They can’t believe an item isn’t in stock. They can’t believe there’s such a huge lineup at the cash. They can’t believe nothing is on sale. BELIEVE IT! It’s December 23rd!! I won’t lie. I’ve left my shopping for the 23rd many a year, but I never walked into a store with lofty expectations of how awesome my shopping experience would be. That’s just ignorant.
– People who have really detailed specific desires of a gift they want to buy someone, but nobody sells it or makes it. Like that purple sweater with a red stripe. They come in asking for ridiculousness, and then they’re mad when you don’t sell it. Then they tell you sad stories about them looking EVERYWHERE for it, and then asking for recommendations about where they might find it at another store, as if any reasonable human being would know where to find a purple sweater with a red stripe. Then the whole frustration conversation about ‘why doesn’t anybody sell this’, and before you can say ‘because it’s ugly’ or ‘I really don’t have time for your stories’ or ‘only a loser would want that’, you’re knee-deep in a conversation about the holidays and gift exchanging with someone you’ve never met, and would love to never see again, until getting stabbed in the eye with a fork seems like the lesser of the two evils. It’s December 23rd! Either lower your expectations or purchase a gift card, but either way, please stop talking to me and get out of my store.
– People who call the store to see if you have something in stock, but nobody can get to the phone, so they leave a voicemail with no name, and a mumbled phone number. Why do people always talk so slowly during the message, and then zip through the phone number which is the most important part. Then they don’t leave a name either, so I have to call back this number which I’m not even sure is accurate, and ask whoever picks up the phone if somebody called my store earlier?? WTF.

I’ve got a million of them, but I’ll leave it at that for now. Happy New Year everybody!

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

December 24, 2012

Merry…. Happy….. Never Mind

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Being Canadian has to be the weirdest around holidays. Especially in Toronto where there are so many different people from around the world living here. Different cultures, different religions… I take it for granted now, but it’s pretty amazing that we all get along the way we do. Relatively speaking anyways. We still don’t really get along as well as we could, especially around the holidays.
I deal with the public for a living. When someone I’ve been dealing with leaves, I say ‘have a great day’. I say this during the day. I say this at night. I say this every day of the week. I say this on Holidays, both national and religious. It’s my thing. Have a great day. Nobody gets offended. Nor should they. It’s very Canadian to not want to offend anyone.

I first became aware of different cultural beliefs when there was a student in my class whose parents made an arrangement to have them ‘pulled’ from the room every morning when we said the Lord’s Prayer. I think this was Grade 1, and it was quite some time ago, because we sang the national anthem (which I’m sure they still do), but then we followed it with the Lord’s Prayer. That seems crazy to me now for public school to do that, but they did. I guess they figured we were all cool with that. I felt bad for the kid though. It’s just embarrassing to be pulled from the class for 2 minutes a day for any reason. I don’t know if the parents thought this kid would turn into a raging Christian or what, but they didn’t want to take any chances.

As the years went by, more and more immigrants descended on Toronto. They stopped doing the Lord’s Prayer in Public Schools at some point. Which I agree with. People can go to church for that. It should be optional. There are lots of churches here or temples or whatever you need for whatever religion you are. I guess different people’s belief systems make them who they are, and inform them on how to interact in the world. It’s truly interesting and sometimes fun that there are so many, but when Christmas rolls around??? Not so much fun.

The consensus seems to be that in order to be sensitive to everybody here, that we shouldn’t be wishing people a ‘Merry Christmas’. Even if it is Christmas, and there’s no competing holiday for any other religion on that day. The politically correct term we can use is ‘Happy Holidays’. That’s more inclusive. I’m OK with that. I’ll go with the majority. If I’m dealing with the public, I don’t want to assume that you celebrate Christmas. I don’t want to assume that if you did, that you could or would be able to have a happy or merry one. So sometimes I say ‘Happy Holidays’ which is recommended. Most of the time I say ‘Have a great day’ which is even less offensive.

Here’s the real problem. Why is Merry Christmas offensive?? December 25th is Christmas whether you celebrate it or not. When I wish you a Happy Christmas, I’m wishing you a Happy Day. I’m not telling you to go to church, I’m not telling you to sell out your own god, I’m not telling you to decorate your house, I’m not telling you to sacrifice a goat, I’m just wishing you Happy Days. Sunday Monday Happy Days. Tuesday Wednesday Happy Days. Thursday Friday Happy Days. Saturday, what a day, groovin all week with you. You know the rest. I’m just wishing you a happy day. Why is that offensive?? If you said Happy Hanukkah to me I wouldn’t be offended because I’m not Jewish. I’d be happy that you shared some positive words with me. I’d list off a few other examples, but I really don’t know that much about the other religious holidays. Just know that if your religion has a holiday where it’s customary to wish somebody well during that time, you can wish me well, and I would be happy that you did. Not offended, that’s absurd.

To make matters COMPLETELY worse, I’ve noticed a lot of Canadians who do celebrate Christmas posting stuff on their Facebook that is making is seem like ‘Happy Holidays’ is offensive to them because we should be saying Merry Christmas, and never mind what everybody else thinks about it. I understand the sentiment, but really??? You’re badmouthing ‘Happy Holidays’????

Everybody needs to just calm the fuck down!

Whether you believe in Jesus, Santa Claus or somebody or something else, or none of the above…… Christmas is a time to be cool. You’re not being cool! No matter what religion you are part of, the major holidays are about being with your family, friends and spreading good cheer. It’s not about money, expectations, stress and nonsense. All this arguing is bringing me down man. It’s petty. Grow Up!

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Have a Great Day!!
R

5 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

November 19, 2012

Is Knitting Cool Now?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Anytime I see something out of the ordinary 4 different times in the same day, I have to assume that it is the ‘next cool thing’.  I don’t receive whatever memo gets sent around, and I’m not on the same wave-length as whatever pop-star, or reality show actor (did I just say actor?) is setting the trends these days.  As a result I’m often late to the party.  I’m just a stand-by passenger on the ‘cool plane’.  The last to board assuming I even get a seat.  I do ride the subway system though, so if I seem to have my finger on the pulse of urban trends, it’s because if I can stay awake long enough, it will smack me in the face.  What smacked me in the face this past week was young people knitting…..EVERYWHERE!  Guys too!  I mean girls get a pass on this, but young guys knitting?  I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, so I compromised with subtle indifference, followed by a Monday blog.

As a proud owner of several Hawaiian shirts for a 3 month stretch in 2001, I would like to state that knitting being an ‘in thing’ kind of took me by surprise.  I mean, you see old people knitting all the time, but they’re from a different time, and that’s something that people did back in the day.  If you needed some socks, and there wasn’t money, or a store nearby, you knitted a pair.  Done!  If you got good at it, maybe you made a sweater for Johnny’s birthday, or a toque for baby Felicia.  There were lots of acceptable reasons to knit back in the day, and when I see old people still doing it, it’s just part of their charm, like sending handwritten letters in the mail.  When I see young people doing it in thriving urban locations????  I just don’t buy it.

Is this some sort of strange and wonderful renaissance where people have discarded their ‘does everything but scratch my nuts’ mobile devices in exchange for the simple pleasures of an old school hobby?  Or is this just some weird extension of hipsterism that I don’t get (not that I got any of it before this)?  I think it’s a fabulous thing for the universe, that something like this could actually be ‘coming back’.  It’s skillful, crafty, and all of the things that this generation doesn’t seem to be.  That’s why I’m having trouble believing that this became cool for the right reasons like it’s practical and creative.  I believe that a hot teen vampire must have done it in a movie.  That’s the only possible explanation.  Am I right?

Whatever the case may be, I saw this 4 times in the same day.  Is it the next big thing?  Maybe.  Is it just some crazy randomness?  Possibly.  If you want to be on the cutting edge of cool, best to not follow my predictions.  I’m full of all sorts of wonderful information, but don’t hitch your wagon to what I think is the next big thing.  Also, if I can give any advice, don’t buy into a fad too early.  It’s always awesome to say that you were doing ‘whatever’ before everyone else, but if not everyone else ends up doing it, and ‘whatever’ was knitting on the subway???  It might not look as cool as you think.

My favourite example was in Chinatown on the bus.  There was a young guy talking to these 3 Chinese chicks (he was white).  He had just the right amount of calculated deshevelment to his appearance to pull off that ‘I’m interesting, but not a bum look’.  He was charming these girls, and they were eating it up.  I could tell that they had just met (they might have been from out-of-town though, and giving him that ‘happy tourist’ flirting), but I was sure he was saying/doing all the right things (based on no audio, but just visual cues as I was listening to my Ipod instead of him).  Then in a move that I’m sure he thought was going to put him over the top, he pulled out the knitting he was working on.  They started to giggle, I’m sure he thought in a ‘wow this guy is sooo interesting’ way, but to those of us who’d been around the block a few times it was more of a ‘wow this guy is fuckin weird’ way.

The moral of that story is that even if knitting is the next big thing, if you’re a young guy, you have to make sure that everyone is fully aware of how cool knitting is before you make a play like that.  It’s like holding an ace which can be the best card in the deck depending on the rules of the game you’re playing, but it can also be a one.  My Chinatown guy left the bus without any phone numbers, and I’m pretty sure it’s the knitting that cost him.  It was a ballsy, cutting edge move, but not a universally cool one.  Maybe in 6 months after this thing takes off a bit better he would have reaped the plentiful rewards that ‘knitting for cool’ had to offer.  Not yet.  He’s a trailblazer though.  I know that for sure!  Someday he’ll be able to wear his ‘scarf of Chinatown rejection’ like a hipster badge of honour!  I salute him!

9 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

October 16, 2012

Dogs Don’t Like You

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I see lots of people with dogs.  Most people who own dogs are very passionate about it.  I’m sure they’re passionate enough in some cases that I may make enemies here, but it’s time somebody said it.  Your dog doesn’t like you!

Your dog doesn’t like a noose being tied around his neck and being dragged around the neighborhood, and pressured into taking a shit so you can go back inside.

Your dog doesn’t like the crazy smelling food you feed him that are ‘good for his bones and teeth’.

Your dog doesn’t like the roller coaster of emotions involving only throwing a tennis ball around when YOU’re in the mood.

Your dog doesn’t like being under house arrest, and having to make nice with you, the prison guard.  He might make the best of it.  After all, it’s a low security prison compared to the pet store where he was in solitary confinement.

Your dog thinks learning ‘pet tricks’ is demeaning.  He does it because you give him snacks.  Snacks are awesome.  Everybody knows this!  There isn’t, however, a dog in the world that wouldn’t prefer the killer combo of snacks AND dignity.

Your dog doesn’t like living in a neighborhood where people are always passing by the front of the house.  He has to be on high friggin alert at all times!  Do you have any idea how stressful that is?  To not really know imminent danger from just some ordinary dude walking past the front of the house?  Can’t you move to the country or something?

Your dog wants ice cream.  He doesn’t like it when you take him out for ice cream, and don’t give him any.  He wants some.

Finally, your dog probably doesn’t like you.  He may occasionally show you a bit of affection, but it’s what’s commonly known as Stockholm Syndrome.  You see, he has been kidnapped in a way.  Owning a dog is not unlike owning a slave, which is soooooooo frowned upon, but other than the dog not being human, it can be pretty similar.  I would say the experience is not unlike the movie Misery.  The dog being James Caan, you being Kathy Bates.  Don’t you think he’d rather be frolicking around in a forest or a jungle somewhere?  Living by his wits?  Hunting for food?  Instead he’s letting us know when there’s someone at the door, and we feed him Alpo, and maybe give him the odd treat. Then we make him pee outside when the cat gets to do it inside.  Then he just wants to sit on the couch for 5 minutes to rest his little doggy feet, we tell him to get the hell off and sit on the floor, so they don’t get their hair all over our precious furniture.  If you don’t want dog hair in your house, then DON’T HAVE A DOG, STUPID!

The whole thing is hypocritical if you ask me.  I’ll bet there’d be an outrage if I had a Panda holed up at my place eating bamboo shoots out of a can.  Dogs got a raw deal man.  Humans are oppressive creatures.  Not to be trusted.  They’ve set up a whole ‘Dog Industry’.  There’s too much money in pet toys and grooming, and knitted doggie sweaters to set the dogs free.  Even if we knew we were wrong (which I don’t think we do), it’s become too much of a tradition to make little Jimmy think that a furry non-human is the only thing that understands him.  It’s gotta stop.  It’s weird and wrong on like 723 levels.

FREE THE DOGS!!  Stop chopping their balls off so they behave better (On what planet is that something you do to another living organism??)  Let them run wild and free.  I’m gonna get T-Shirts printed!  ‘Puppy Liberation’ will be the first one.  Another one could be ‘Who Let The Dogs………. Never mind, I’m sure that’s taken.

No animals were harmed in the making of this blog.

8 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

September 17, 2012

My Top 20 ‘Do Not Play’ Song List for Weddings

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

There are a lot of people who are into technology and have calendared the launch date of the new Iphone.  People that can tell you about cars and all of the pros and cons of purchasing each model.  People that know about literature, and have a million books, and know which ones are being adapted into screenplays.  People that know the history of the British Royal Family and who all the important political figures are in all of the countries all over the world.  I don’t know about these things, but if we’re playing Trivial Pursuit, and the topic is music, you better hope I’m on your team.  I love music!  All kinds too.  I know as much about Hip Hop as I do about Rock and Roll, and most things in between.  If I don’t know I’m curious to find out.  I’m a sponge!  The question that comes up with family and friends is ‘can I get paid for such proficient use of that part of my brain?’  The answer would be ‘not to this point’.  If you don’t care about music, and we are in a ‘musical situation’ together, then I am annoying.  If you love music, and we are in a ‘musical situation’ together, then I am awesome, and so are you!

What’s a ‘musical situation’ you ask???  For me it’s every waking moment, but for most people it would be a concert, car ride, grocery store (they always have adult contemporary or 80s music playing….it’s the only reason I go), cleaning the home, and the most obvious ones which are going out to a bar/night club or for those that don’t go to those places, there’s a type of bar/night club that everyone goes to which I like to call a ‘wedding reception’.  Yes, once all the awkward speeches and kissing games are done, and the food is eaten, there is only one man who can bring home a good wedding, and that’s your wedding DJ.

In second place behind top 40 radio, the wedding DJ is the lowest common denominator of ‘musical situations’.  I don’t want to paint them all with the same brush, but time after time, wedding after wedding, they encourage me to paint them with the same brush.  They do this by having the same mediocre playlist of ‘safe’, reception appropriate, multi generation compatible music that every other wedding DJ has.  As a real music fan this sickens me.  It’s not because I think a wedding is the time for a DJ to pull out all the tricks and start ‘digging through the crates’ so to speak.  You do have an audience that has a huge range in age, so you kind of have to play to everybody, which can be a tricky proposition.  So what they’ve done over the years is found songs that work in those situations, and created a formula for success.  In any business, this makes perfect sense.  Being a wedding DJ definitely makes you a business person, but being a DJ SHOULD also make you an artist.  Art and business typically don’t mix very well, and only in the rarest of circumstances can an artist stay true to his/her art, and still make money.  The compromised product is often what works best.

While I’m understanding of their limitations and expectations, I would still like to see wedding DJs to take some chances.  Play some stuff that I didn’t hear a week ago at the last wedding I was at.  You’ll know if you’ve taken it too far, and you can always bring it back to what works, but there are thousands of songs out there that can work in these situations, yet I seem to only hear the same 30 or 40 over and over again.  As someone who loves music as much as I do, the repetition hurts my soul.

My wedding DJ did a pretty good job.  He came over to my condo and allowed me to lecture him on music for 4 hours (I’d gone to high school with him, so we caught up a bit too).  He was very patient with me.  He nodded like he was listening, and when my wedding day came, while I’m not sure he remembered everything I told him, he held his own up there, and kept the party going without really offending me in any way with his selections.  One of the things he did do, which I thought was pretty awesome, was asked me to make a list of 20 songs I had to hear, and 20 more for him to not play under any circumstances.  Now, I can’t remember if he played all 20 of the songs I wanted to hear or not, but he definitely didn’t play the ones that I didn’t want to hear, and that was even more important in a way.  I just didn’t want to hear the same generic songs that I hear at all the other weddings, so those made my list.

For your consideration, here are the 20 songs that I hate (but always end up) hearing at wedding receptions.  Some comments are included.  This is not necessarily in order of hatred, but rather which ones jumped into my head first.

1. Celebration by Kool & The Gang ( I get it….. we’re celebrating……I love Kool & The Gang too.  How about ‘Get Down On It’ or ‘Jungle Boogie’)

2. Holiday by Madonna (Madonna has 30 years of danceable hits….Why this one every time?)

3. Dancing Queen by Abba (Same comment as above but only 10 years)

4. Macarena by Los Del Rio (You will only hear this at weddings now…. hate songs with dances made up for them…. hate any form of line dancing)

5. Chicken Dance by Werner Thomas (Same comment as above)

6. Who Let the Dogs Out? by The Baha Men (They used to play the original version of this song at the clubs, and we liked it ok, but when the Baha Men re-did it, it became #3 on Rolling Stone Magazine “Most Annoying Songs Ever” poll.  So if you’re a wedding DJ, and this information is available to you, why would you keep playing it???  It’s horrible!!!! You’re horrible!!!! Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!)

7. Love Train by The O’ Jays (I actually love this song, but people tend to start a conga line when it comes on, and then they want to come around to every table, and there’s always some drunk member of the fun police that wants to get you up out of your seat to join the stupidity.  Fuck off and let me enjoy my beer and my social awkwardness!)

8. Conga by Miami Sound Machine (Same comment as above)

9. Mambo #5 by Lou Bega (I want to stab myself with my dessert fork every time I hear this )

10. Swing the Mood by Jive Bunny and the Mastermixers (This is a lazy-ass DJ way to play a bunch of swing songs all at the same time in hopes that some of the older people will feel like he ‘played to them’, but if your DJ was a master mixer himself, then he wouldn’t need to resort to this bullshit.)

11. Follow Me by Aly Us (As far as classic house goes, this is a great song, but at a Filpino wedding, everyone on the dance floor starts doing the ‘bus stop’, and if you don’t know that dance, or don’t feel like line dancing, it’s a good time to grab a drink.)

12. YMCA by The Village People (Wedding DJs get off easy, b/c they play to the drunkest of crowds.  Who would tolerate this song if sober?)

13. TIE – Anything from the Grease Soundtrack (This just sucks the life out of me)

14. Don’t Stop Til You Get Enough by Michael Jackson (I’ll take some Michael at a wedding, but not this one anymore)

15. Single Ladies by Beyonce (I wonder if it’s bouquet toss time?  I don’t really see any way of avoiding this one though)

16. We Are Family by Sister Sledge (You can celebrate with your family without this cue, thanks)

17. Le Freak by Chic (It sounds like I’m picking on Disco here, and I’m not really.  I’m merely picking on the lack of originality by wedding DJs.  A lot of these songs would be better if I didn’t hear them all the time.  I probably prefer this stuff to current pop music like Lady Gaga and Katy Perry, but a lot of these Disco songs have been getting played out for the last 35 years.  If they are playing Lady Gaga at weddings 35 years from now, I’ll make a new list)

18. Wind Beneath My Wings by Bette Midler (I figured I’d include a few of the slow songs that drive me nuts.  This one is almost always the father/daughter dance.  I don’t want to sound un-sentimental (if that’s a word), but I can’t take any more of this song.)

19. TIE Anything by Shania Twain or Celine Dion (As a proud Canadian it disappoints me to do this, but no more please)

20. Baby Got Back by Sir-Mix-A-Lot (Oh my god Becky, look at her butt)

Maybe I’ve missed some!!  Do you have a played out wedding reception song that makes you shoot poisonous glare darts toward an unsuspecting, ‘mailing it in’ Wedding DJ???  I’d love to hear them!

 

12 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

September 3, 2012

Subway Stories

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I spend too much time taking public transit.  I waste a good percentage of my life people watching.  I figure between 6-9% of my days are devoted to this based on commute time divided by hours that I’m awake.  This may be a recurring theme in my blog.  Anybody that wants to write and is stuck for ideas needs to live in a big city and spend time on the bus or train.  Everybody has a story, and you can either be a friendly dude and ask people for it, or you can quietly make up their story based on physical appearance, mannerisms and other evidence.  I get a big kick out of speculating what a complete stranger might be spending the rest of their day doing, and what else might be going on in their lives outside of this bus ride.  That’s only when I’m bored!  Sometimes the things that are happening on my commute are so interesting, that I don’t even have time for these games.

The other day I saw the worst toupee I have ever seen in my entire life.  I can’t even call it the worst, because I’m always strangely happy to see a bad toupee, so I will call it the best toupee I’ve ever seen.  It was black, and it took up 90% of this guy’s head.  Let’s just call it a wig.  The problem was, you could see his white hair above his neck where the wig didn’t quite cover.  Just a racing stripe of white hair at the bottom, enough so it blew his cover, and there’s no way the rest of it could pass for real hair.  That was bad enough on its own, but this wig was not unlike what 70’s Elvis Presley’s hair looked like.  Then I got a better look at him, and I saw that his glasses were not unlike something Elvis may have worn around that time too.  I told someone this, and they said that maybe he was dressed up for some kind of festival or something, but that’s the thing…. he wasn’t.  From the neck down he looked like any other guy in his 60’s.  I would say if anything, his lack of flair for wardrobe combined with his Elvis theme from the neck up (mouth up really, because of the white stripe of real hair at the back) was startling.  I promise, this was not some special outfit.  This is how this guy looks and perceives himself.  I’m positive this man looked at himself in the mirror that morning, put that wig on and thought he was the King!!  He would have fit into my ‘Time Warp’ blog nicely a few months ago.  It’s funny what vanity will have you do.  Also ironic that the bad wig makes him look way more ridiculous than whatever he was trying to cover up with it.

Sometimes the subway train will stop for whatever reason.  For a long time.  I always think it’s a ‘jumper’, but I think there are various reasons including electrical problems, and construction that a train could get delayed.  That doesn’t make it any less annoying when it happens, combined with being underground and having no cell phone reception to call work and let them know.  If you’re like me, and you time your work commute so you arrive there 30 seconds before you start, then there’s not a huge margin for error.  I could work at fixing myself, but instead I think I’ll complain about the transit system.  I understand that these things happen, but my main annoyance is the announcements they make.  They mumble!  There’s absolutely no human being on earth or Krypton for that matter who can decipher these messages.  They’re important too, but all you see is a train full of people with that wincing ‘I can’t hear’ face.  If it isn’t the mumbling messenger, it’s the crappy speakers that can’t seem to handle the most basic function of capturing the human voice.  Now here’s the conspiracy theory.  I truly believe that they do it on purpose, and here’s why…….  They are obligated to make an announcement, or else the paying customers which are trapped on this vessel in the middle of an underground tunnel will freak out.  The problem is that sometimes if people knew the truth (there’s a fire… somebody’s dead…), they would freak out even more.  So what do you do??  You install crappy speakers and teach your employees to mumble important announcements.  I can just see them doing it on orientation day.  ‘OK, now everyone grab a partner and practice sending important messages that nobody could ever possible receive’.

On Saturday I was trying to get home from work, and quickly because I had an out-of-town wedding reception to attend.  I ran to the bus stop after work, and got there about 10 seconds ahead of the bus.  There were 2 other people already at the bus stop.  The bus driver did not pull over, but continued up the road.  We all looked at each other like ‘did that just happen?’  There was no ‘Out of Service’ sign up.  He just forgot to pull over.  Here’s the thing though.  There was a lot of traffic on the street, and he had to stop a little further up before the intersection.  So we ran up to the bus, and started tapping on the door so he would let us on.  This guy has the nerve to point out the bus stop up the street, and we were quick to point out that he hadn’t picked us up at the last one.  He started arguing with us through the door (so I couldn’t hear him that well), and tried to say there was nobody there.  Up until now I had been letting some girl handle the argument on our behalf, but then I kind of lost it, and pounded on the glass, and yelled a bit.  I’m not proud of it, but the guy was pissing me off.  Then he started yelling through the glass asking if I was going to cause him problems.  I responded by telling him that I wouldn’t as long as he opened the door.  Then this chick is like ‘I’m not causing problems, I don’t know him’ (referring to me).  Thanks Chick!!!  Perfect!!  Throw me under the bus (not literally)!!  So suddenly I’m Mr. Crazy???  Then this bus driver was saying ‘because I was thinking of pulling over but I don’t want any problems’.  So I calmly walked over to the curb.  He pulled over.  We got on the bus, and I showed him my bus pass, neither of us making eye contact, and I went to my seat feeling like the ‘unreasonable one’.  I didn’t wake up in the morning thinking I would intimidate a Bus Driver into taking me to the subway station.  I always thought that if I stood patiently at a bus stop, that he would just pick me up and there’d be no drama.  If he did his job properly, none of this would have happened, but that’s not really even why it happened.  It’s because he, like 75% of people out there can’t admit he made a mistake.  Why is that so hard for people?  I wouldn’t have been mad if he just opened the door after he realized he screwed up, but why does he have to start telling stories (like nobody was standing there)?  Just do your best, admit to your mistakes, and you will be forgiven.  I’ll never understand why people have to go through life with this ‘perfect record’ of never being wrong, even if it means they have to make things up to support it.  It’s dumb!

 

 

4 Comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized