Tag Archives: Twitter


This post is a #nowinsituation. Young people are going to disagree, and old people aren’t going to #knowwhatthefuckimtalkingabout. I’m a #hater perhaps. Maybe it’s the #wine, maybe I’m just #frustratedbeyondbelief, but probably it’s the fact that I’m #gettingolder, and the world in my humble opinion is #gettingdumber, but I’m finding that #imgettingirritatedwiththeinternet. It’s a #lovehaterelationship though. I depend on it. I waste hours on it. So in a way I’m in #nopositiontocriticize. I do write a blog though #thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants, so right or wrong, if I don’t #lashoutagainstpeople from time to time, then #whatgoodami?

Dear internet friends, enemies, and #frenemies…… I hate your #fuckinghashtags!

First I feel I need to explain #hashtags. According to my #researchsources wikipedia and urban dictionary, #hashtags are a #socialmediatool to group certain ideas together so they’re easier to search for. #newsflash…. Nobody gives a shit what you’re saying on #facebooktwitterorotherwise to actually search for it later. People are just #doingthistodoit, which I find #superprepubescentofyouall. Especially the 30-50 crowd. #giveitabreaklosers. I promise nobody is trying to find your status updates with a #hashtagsearch.

The other thing which is #waymoreannoying is using the #hashtag as some sort of weird #punchlineindicator. That is to invent a #hashtag to drop at the end of your status update to somehow #punctuate what you’re saying. Are you like #11yearsold??? No. You’re 40. Stop it. Here’s an example I made up. “Just got into a fender bender, and off to the collision center! #happynobodywashurt #shouldntgodrivingbeforecoffee #theregoesmyinsurancepremiums” etc. I guess it seems cute to some. I disagree. Decidedly not cute, just say what you want to say in plain English. Stop trying to #impressyourkids. The thing is, when young people do it, I’m half expecting it. They’ll look back and #realizehowdumbtheywerelikewealldoeventually, but the people my age should know better.

I suppose if a company wants you to use a #hashtag so you can enter some sort of #weirdcontest, then it makes a bit of sense. I just don’t like the gratuitous use of it by people who #dontevenknowwhatitreallyisandthinkthisisjustonebighashtagparty. Hopefully just by reading this post, you’ve been suitably annoyed by trying to read all the #hashtags in it, and I’m super pissed off that my word count is only sitting at 325 right now because every #hashtag is only one word, no matter how many I crammed in there. Spell check is going to be a #nightmareshitshow too.

I guess I’ve been #crankyenoughforonenight. #offtobed

25 Random Things About Myself

My wife thought it was cool that her friend had once posted a list like this somewhere (Facebook I guess). I’m 10 minutes from missing out on doing my Monday blog, and I was sifting through notes to self on my Blackberry looking for inspiration. I write notes to myself now when I think of something that’s funny, or a good blog topic. I only started doing this last year. It’s a shame because I was coming up with great ideas for 37 years before that, and I can’t remember any of them right now. If I could give advice to a younger creative person, it would be to write down your ideas. You always think you’ll remember them later, but chances are you won’t. Especially if you’re a space cadet like me.

Anyways….. my wife rolled in 5 minutes ago and gave me a blog idea right at the exact moment that I needed one, and while it’s not an original concept, it’s different for every person that does it, since we are all individuals, and no 2 of us are the same (like snowflakes…… or scabs). What I like about it most is that it allows me to write without any continuity which would have required a lot more energy than I have, and I do love a good list, so without further mindless padding of the word-count, I bring you….

25 Random Things About Me

1. My name is Ryan. I’m 38 years old. I tell people that I popularized the name Ryan. If you’d like to refute that claim, go ahead and try to collect evidence. Think of all the Ryans you know that are over 38. Write that number down. Now think about the Ryans you’ve heard about that are under 38. I promise that there’s way more. Way more!! Why? I don’t want to appear arrogant, but the proof is in the pudding. Check the stats!!

2. I was a Boy Scout when I was a kid. I went to meetings hoping that a game of Dodgeball would break out. Sometimes it did. I used to be embarrassed about this. Now I’m not. I’m proud that I could go into the wilderness and survive for 3 or 4 hours, and I owe it all to the Boy Scouts.

3. When I was a kid I would drink a tall cold glass of milk when I got thirsty. Gross.

4. I have over 13,000 songs on my iPod. That’s a pretty serious music collection by most standards. I’m proud of this. I should have been a DJ. It’s one of about 13,000 things I wanted to do with my life.

5. I’ve worked as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant before. We only had like 3 or 4 customers that would come in during lunch hour. One girl always ordered chocolate milk (in a Chinese restaurant??), and I would run out the back door, across a busy intersection to the convenience store, buy one, run back, pour it in a glass, and bring it out to her. I did this every day. What can I say? She was a regular!

6. I am a sports fanatic!

7. I’m not anywhere near as judgemental in real life as I am in my blog.

8. I hate all new stuff that people like. I like all old stuff that I like.

9. You know when you’re a kid and people tell you that other people tease you because they like you? I never got that. Now that I’m older, I tease people because I like them.

10. As previously documented on an earlier blog or two, 6 months ago my father passed away unexpectedly 3 days before my son (his first grandchild) was born. That fucks with me every single day, and it’s every bit as bad as it sounds. Still, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did. It was a privilege.

11. My wife, son and I occasionally have random dance parties when he’s in the Jolly Jumper. I don’t think I’m overstating it, but this kid is a dancing prodigy! If I put a Youtube compilation together it would go viral instantly. I’m sure of it. I respect his privacy too much for that though.

12. I’m a procrastinator. To prove this, I intentionally posted this blog on a Tuesday instead of a Monday. (See what I did there? I tried to make it look intentional that I’m a day late?? Like it was an example of procrastination?? Genius!! Oh….. you didn’t fall for it??)

13. My clothes have to match. They don’t have to be ‘in season’ or ‘in style’, but goddamnit they better co-ordinate because life is too short to wear a black belt with brown shoes.

14. When it was clear that VHS machines were on their way out, I started buying up a bunch of movies for cheap thinking that I would purchase one of the last VCRs ever made, and ride it out with my collection of awesome movies I paid almost nothing for. That hasn’t happened as of yet.

15. I think Twitter is the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen #justwrongonsomanylevels #dontreallygiveashitwhatpeoplehavetosayevery10seconds #yourfeedbackoneverylittlefuckingthingoutthereissounimportant
That being said, follow me @T_A_R_I_J_P! I will let you know every time I post a blog, and I will do sweet little else aside from the odd obligatory comment to make my Twitter widget on my blog page seem like there’s some action on it.

16. I’m having a difficult time coming up with 25 things because I just realized I could be blowing 25 potential blog topics by doing this. I’m going to have to make the rest of these more nondescript. Maybe like a generic internet dating profile.

17. I love to laugh.

18. I love long walks on the beach. This has to be my favourite dating cliché. Who says that? I mean, I know everyone does love long walks on the beach, what’s not to love, but how could that possibly be in the top 5 or 10 things you love to do.

19. I just wish Canadians and Americans would spell everything the fucking same!! Fuuuuuck!! I hate spell check on here. It’s American, but I instinctively spell things the Canadian way, but I have a lot of readers from both countries. It’s the same word idiots!!! Why could the forefathers not just have gotten together on this??

20. I love the Toronto Maple Leafs the way you love your oldest friend. You maybe don’t see each other all the time, but when they need you, you’re there. I don’t watch a lot of the games anymore, but when they make the playoffs (which they just did for the first time in 9 years), I’m there. By the way, before any Leaf fans come out of the woodwork and make ‘bandwagon’ comments, I’ve been following this team since Borje Salming and Ian Turnbull were manning the blue line, and Bunny Laraque was in net. I’ve watched every steaming pile of shit team they’ve ever put together. Don’t question my loyalty because I no longer watch them all the time. I did it for my own sanity!

21. I do have a soft spot for ‘girlie drinks’. They taste better, and I don’t suffer from the bullshit bravado that would have you drink hard liquor to prove you’re a man. You have to drink that shit for 5 years before it tastes good, and I don’t have 5 years.

22. I wear boxer briefs. I cannot imagine a scenario where boxers or briefs would be an acceptable substitute.

23. I had quite a few teddy bears when I was a kids. I know that’s not the manliest thing in the world to admit, but they’re stuffed animals….. cute and cuddly…. who wouldn’t like that??? Get over it!

24. My first part-time job was at KFC. Sometimes when you work at a fast food place, you get sick of that food. Many years later my eyes still light up when someone talks about the greasy heart stopping deliciousness that is Kentucky Fried Chicken. No I don’t know what the 11 herbs and spices are. I’m pretty sure it’s flour and the first 11 that you find when you reach into the spice rack.

25. I really did not know how hard this would be. I had to do it over 2 sessions. It made me realize that I don’t like talking about myself as much as I like talking about other people, and my opinions of their poor behaviour. That said, I hope you enjoyed this random little slice of my life. Who wants to hang out with me now? 😉