Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer – The Sad, Twisted Tale

DON’T READ THIS TO YOUR KIDS…. I USE A LOT OF FOUL LANGUAGE IN THIS POST….. IF THAT MAKES YOU FEEL WEIRD, STOP READING HERE!

I would have to say that Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer is the best Christmas song that isn’t ‘Little Drummer Boy’ or that Paul McCartney song that isn’t on Itunes. I was walking through a store listening to it with a fresh ear the other day, and a few things occurred to me. If you examine the lyrics a little closer, it is not a happy Christmas song, but rather a song about oppression and racism. Listen to the lyrics again with that in mind.

‘Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer’….he’s not just a reindeer, he’s a ‘red-nosed’ reindeer. ‘Had a very shiny nose’……We’re already pointing out physical differences between him, and what’s considered to be a ‘normal’ reindeer. ‘And if you ever saw it, YOU would even say it glows’…….what they’re saying here is that his physical appearance is so different that EVEN YOU couldn’t be polite and non-judgemental. Even the least prejudice person in the world would HAVE to make a comment about Rudolph’s fucking nose.

‘All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games’…… Laughing and calling him names???? No reindeer games??? What the fuck is a reindeer supposed to do with his free time if they don’t let him play reindeer games?? They make this shit sound so temporary too, but do you know how old a reindeer has to be before he/she can fly a sleigh?? At least 14!! How did I figure that out, you ask? Well, I don’t know shit about reindeer, but a horse has to be at least 2 years old to race at your local racetrack, and there’s 7 dog years to a human year, so I figure Rudolph has to be at least 14 before they consider putting him on the sleigh. That’s 14 years of abuse! You can say this job is seasonal all you want, but reindeering is a lifestyle! He’s not a fucking volunteer firefighter for fuck sakes, this is his full-time job! He doesn’t work for 2 weeks a year and then fly back to Wisconsin for the rest of the year to chill. He lives at the North Pole (which is in Canada by the way ;)) all year round. A place where his nose is just so fucking red, that EVEN YOU would say it glows.

‘Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say’……Santa, the absentee landlord of the north pole. Enabler of bad reindeer behavior, who’s lost all control of the workplace, and done NOTHING to promote equality among his workers. ‘Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won’t you guide my sleigh tonight’….HOW CONVENIENT that Santa just happens to have a freak of nature in his back pocket to play on a foggy night. ‘Then all the reindeer loved him, as they shouted out with glee. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, you’ll go down in history.’

The story ends happily ever after, right? Rudolph takes the high road. Saves Christmas. Proves himself useful, and earns his place among the ‘normal’ reindeer, maybe even going down in history. Maybe. There’s a part of me that always wants that song to end a little differently. Perhaps in the style of Bing Crosby or Perry Como or one of those guys that used to talk in the middle of the song a bit. There would still be a bit of music in the background, but it could turn into one of those breakdowns in the middle of a song, where they talk to each other instead of sing. It could be a conversation between Santa and Rudolph, and it would go a bit like this…..(When you do the Rudolph voice in your mind, it only works if it’s that high-pitched Rudolph voice from that TV special that used to come on every year… you know the one)

Santa: Say, Rudolph…it’s gonna be a foggy one out there tonight.

Rudolph: Yeah Santa, yeah??

Santa: You know the other reindeer just tease you cuz they like ya, right??

Rudolph: Really Santa?? Really?? You mean the last 14 years of suffering and abuse was all out of love??? Wow!!!

Santa: Yeah, and you’ve been a good sport about it too! I was thinkin….. since you’ve been such a good sport, and since you’ve got that red nose and all…….I’ve got an offer for you….. how would you like to guide my sleigh tonight??? Right in the front!!

Rudolph: Wow!! Really Santa??

Santa: Really Rudolph….. Head Reindeer in charge!

Rudolph: Santa??

Santa: Yes Rudolph….

Rudolph: I have a counter offer for you…

Santa: What might that be????

Rudolph: DROP DEAD, YOU FAT USELESS FUCK!! AND FUCK ALL YOU BLACK NOSED FUCKERS, I HOPE YOU CRASH INTO AN AIRPLANE!!!!! RUDOLPH OUT!!!

Rudolph flies to Wisconsin for a better life.

The end.