The Onion is the funniest, and in strange ways the most accurate newspaper around. For those that haven’t read it, it’s a satirical newspaper that is ‘shit your pants’ funny, but if you read between the lines, most of the stories are delivering a viewpoint in a really clever manner. I don’t laugh out loud at any other time more than I do when I read this paper (or website http://www.theonion.com). In that I’ve written a blog for an entire year that I like to categorize as humorous, my dream writing job would be to work for ‘the Onion’. (I don’t want to fully commit to that…. I have no idea what the working conditions or pay are like…..it could totally be a nightmare job as opposed to a dream job for all I know.) That being said, I decided it would be a neat idea to write an article ‘Onion-style’ to see if I could pull it off. Perhaps YOU can be the judge (which is a sad plea for comments on my blog….. did you see right through that?)
“Local Youth Achieves Street Credibility With The Purchase Of Low-Rise Jeans”
TORONTO – Local Youth Richie Johnson achieved street credibility yesterday by purchasing a pair of jeans that show the crack of his ass when he bends over. When asked if he thought it would be annoying to have to pull his pants up after every two and a half steps he takes, Richie was quoted as saying “Yeah, they’re a little uncomfortable, but they look cool, and that’s all that matters.” Sources confirmed that most of the kids that Richie wants to hang out with wear pants that are incredibly tight from the ankles through the thighs, and then unexplainably loose around the waist. “It adds to my street cred,” Richie added.
A classmate of Richie’s who requested to remain unnamed commented that “Richie is just a loser who thinks that if he dresses cool, that people will like him better.” The anonymous source confirmed that Richie has absolutely no ‘street cred’ to ‘add to’. Studies indicate that most of the wannabe thugs and gangsters that are wearing these pants are completely unaware of the irony that wearing pants that show a good 3 inches of butt cleavage (and thinking it makes you look like a bad boy) makes it impossible to outrun the police should their illegal activities ever lead to such a foot chase, yet they insist. “I think Richie thinks he’s a rapper now that he bought these jeans”, the source continued. “I don’t know who he thinks he is…. last week he was wearing fucking corduroy from Wal-Mart”
When his family was reached for comment, his older brother Marcus was the only one who was willing to speak with reporters. “Richie’s such a punk. A real embarrassment to the rest of the family. He’s wanted this idiotic looking pants for 2 years now, and our mom finally let him get a pair. He’s so full of himself right now, I swear when he’s least expecting, I’m going to give him the biggest fucking wedgie, of all time….. It’ll take him 2 weeks to get his balls out of his ass…. fucking goof!”
Teachers and students from his high school have seen this type of behavior before. Two years ago it was reported that he spent an entire semester growing his hair to achieve a windswept Justin Bieber look, but only managed to get his hair to look like a toupee. Jill Stevens, a teammate of Richie’s added “Wow, he finally got those skinny jeans he wanted. You can always count on Richie to be all over some fad that people had forgotten about for 3 years already.”
At press time, there was a growing concern developing over what underwear (that will ultimately be exposed) would be suitable to wear with these jeans. “I never really thought about the importance of that until I tried the jeans on” stated a perplexed Richie. “I guess I’ll just have to see what everyone else is doing!” Richie was last spotted at Target in the boxer short section debating hard about which colour of underwear would be more intimidating.