Monthly Archives: March 2020

March 31, 2020

My Personal Quarantine Handbook

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

We all gotta get through this.  I can’t say that any of this would work for you.  All I know is that it works for me.  Hard to retro-actively go back in time and prepare for this moment.  Some of these measures have been years in the making, and I can’t take a lot of credit for it either.  It’s just plain dumb luck that I happen to be totally ready for social isolation.  Here is my personal quarantine handbook to fight boredom.

(Disclaimer….  I’m trying to have a laugh during a shitty time, but if you are reading this and are somehow on the front lines of this Corona Virus thing, and don’t have the good fortune of being able to safely distance yourself and wait this out, none of this is probably funny.  That is not lost on me, and I hope you are all safe and well xo).

    1. Have a kid – This will take up all of your time.  Obviously, not everyone can or would even want to do this, and even if me giving you the idea right now was the one thing that put you over the top, there’s not enough time to turn it around.  If you have one or several already, than you know… keeping them busy or home schooled, or sane, or yourself sane, or fed, or exercised, or whatever takes up all of your time.  Depending on their age I suppose.
    2. Have a house – I don’t have one of these…. I live in (near) the city, and the condo life IS FOR ME!!!!  No more mowing the lawn.  No roof repairs.  No painting the fences etc.  Oh how I love when there’s a snowstorm and I just stand by the window with my coffee and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh.  However….. Man, it sure would be nice to have a backyard right now.  Or a basement or something.  How many people have touched these elevator buttons???  I’m doomed!
    3. Don’t read books, but acquire them as if you do – Oh man…. I’ve never read so much in my entire life.  Never been a fan before now.  Never really wanted to spend time reading about other people’s adventures when I feel I should be out having my own, but….. I gotta say…… given the right book….. and the right environment….. and really no competing priorities….. Reading Doesn’t Suck as much as you might think it would.  I have dozens of books I haven’t read yet.  Don’t know if I’ll get through them, but assuming my new fascination with reading isn’t just some short term fling, maybe I will.
    4. Be a slob – I really feel for organized neat freaks right now.  You’re self isolating, so what?  You gonna organize your stuff?  How long did that take you?  Half a day?  I have enough shit lying around, needing to be sorted out to last me well into next year.  Between all the reading, home-schooling and cooking?  I still feel like I don’t have time to do it.  That said, it’s nice to have options.  Especially if the reading thing doesn’t take.
    5. Acquire Toilet Paper – Just kidding.  What an idiotic thing to prioritize.  Although….. I guess running out of that would be shitty 😉  I’ve thought about this a lot, (I mean, I always thought it would be zombies) and you need to stalk up on canned Tuna.  Canned Tuna lasts like 2 years.  It’s ready to eat out of the can.  I mean it could take some mayo and onions, but if you had to throw it in your back pack beside the baseball bat, and take a defensive position at high altitude.  If it ever got to that point, would you really care about toilet paper?  Possibly yes, so throw a roll or two of that into the backpack before you break camp for good.  Fuckin zombies!
    6. Stash cool food items in random places – Every so often when life starts to seem a bit mundane, it’s pretty bonkers to be like “Oh shit!  I found those Honey Ginger & Lime Crunchy Roasted Soybean Snacks that you bought at the ‘One of a Kind Show’!!!”  Joy!
    7. Better make sure that music collection is on point – I mean you don’t have to have 27,566 songs on your Itunes (I’m bragging because I think I’m awesome… sorry Mom), but if you did, you could go 76.5 days without hearing the same song twice.  Or you could just listen to the same 150 songs that you like over and over and over again if that comforts you, but I would quietly judge you from afar (but that should be the least of your worries right now.  Do you.)
    8. Do something creative – I’m re-vitalizing an abandoned blog.  My son is crushing abandoned lego sets (by crushing I mean building efficiently).  My wife busted out this colouring book for adults.  It all feels like work while you’re doing it, but it feels nice after.  Especially if you did sweet shit all the rest of the day.  It’s like working for free, but somehow feels more fulfilling.
    9. Board Games – OK we haven’t done a ton of this yet, but….. They lie there in waiting.  I have a dream.  One that none of my family share, but I think I’ve always wanted to do this, but never have.  I want to play Monopoloy to the death (not really, I just liked how it sounded.)  What I mean is, I actually want to finish the game.  Not a timer, not ‘oh I ran out of money’….. I mean mortgage all properties and then declare bankruptcy in order to be eliminated.  Has anyone ever played Monopoly long enough to actually finish it?  Like really finish it?  It would be super time consuming, but time I’ve got.  I say this to my wife and son every couple of days, in a voice that says ‘I’m enthusiastic about this and I hope you are too.’  I’ve been getting some faraway glances, and typically the verbal responses have been a changing of subject.  For now I wait.
    10. Get some fresh air – I know we are not supposed to be within 6 feet of each other, so find a place to go for a walk.  We’ve been doing this successfully, and if I see a person coming, I’m like Keanu Reeves, dodging bullets in the Matrix.  People in my area have been great at crossing the road when they see someone else coming, or distancing themselves appropriately.  Living in the city sucks for this.  I’m lucky to not be right downtown.  Try to get some exercise though.  All this home cooking has to go somewhere.  I shit you not when I say I’ve been doing yoga.  Picture that, anyone that knows me!  When you see me next I will be flexible and nimble as a gymnast.  Very centered and reflective as well.

Namaste!

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March 27, 2020

A Chocolaty Dream

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

So Corona Virus got me not working.  The benefit of this is I’m sleeping 8 hours a night.  The best part of that is the last hour or so, which is bonus sleep because I should be at work.  I’m not one to remember my dreams all the time but for some reason, the dreams I have in that bonus hour are among the most memorable and at times absurd.  I’ll tell you about one.  My son thinks it’s funny.

I get sent (by my wife I can only assume) to park a car, but I’m at what looks like an all inclusive resort somewhere warm.  It doesn’t look exactly like any of the ones I’ve been to.  Also, there’s no reason for me to have a car at an all inclusive.  Maybe it wasn’t an all inclusive, anyways it’s not important.  I find it hard to write about dreams because I like to give all the details, but my dreams barely give me any details or context.  There’s a massive parking garage at this resort, and somehow the car gets parked and I’m trying to find my family.  I find my son (who’s 7, and I guess just wandering around on his own?  Not likely), and I see this table where the owners of the resort are giving away free artwork.  They call me over and tell me they have 2 pieces left, and would I like one?  They’re huge, and I feel like they used to be inside the rooms, but maybe they’re being re-designed?  I agree to take one, not really considering for the moment, like where the hell am I going to put this, how will I get it from said exotic destination to my home in Toronto.  Then I get a look at the 2 pieces, and they’re both pictures of the owners of the resort, who of course are the same people giving them away.  It’s a man and a woman, and the man has a great 80’s mustache with a white guy fro, and I can’t remember what his wife looked like, but she had money.  Now I’m being too polite to say that I no longer want this artwork, so I’m going to have ditch it somewhere (like in a dream I should be able to laugh at this guy and say I don’t want his shitty artwork, and segue right into a poolside Pina Colada, but then if I realize I’m dreaming, I’ll wake up, so I end up just doing the same goddamn things I would do in real life instinctively).

Then I see Vasek Pospisil (Canadian professional Tennis player), and thinking it’s cool that he’s there, but there’s no crowd or no sign that he’s doing a meet and greet, so maybe he’s just on vacation too at the same shitty resort I’m at where the owners seemingly have pictures of themselves in the suite.  So I ask him if he’s there doing autographs, and he says ‘yeah sure’, and so I grab my son because he likes tennis too.  Just as I’m about the quickly whisper in his ear, what to politely say to Vasek Pospisil when asking for an autograph, my son walks up to him and says really loudly “Do you have chocolate?”

Then I wake up.

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March 22, 2020

One Door Closes…. Another Opens

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Gonna be home for a few days. Weeks even? Who knows? Corona Virus is a thing, and if you’re consuming this while it’s fresh, then you know more than you’d like to about social distancing. If you’re reading it years from now, congratulations, you survived. Here’s to hoping this is soon just a punchline to some shitty joke. In the meantime, what to do? Great time of year to watch Sports!! Hockey and Basketball playoffs coming soon, Baseball about to start up. What? They’re all cancelled? Oh man. Binge watching TV and movies I guess. What else? Good time to listen to music. I mean really listen. Like we used to. When we had those album covers we could read while the record was spinning. For me? Well I do have this blog. I’d argue that it’s at least 5 years past it’s prime, but hasn’t necessarily gone into retirement yet. Hey, if George Foreman could win the heavyweight title in his 40’s, I could surely get this thing chugging again. After all, my readers have nothing but time, and I have nothing but time. Surely my son, (who is soon to be bored out of his skull, if not already) would love to just give Daddy the kind of space he requires to do a bunch of writing every day….. NOT. Plus my wife needs the chair I’m sitting in to work from home. So there are obstacles, and my output over the coming weeks will be direct evidence of my resolve. So if this is the last you hear of me, don’t be surprised, but nevertheless, HERE WE GO!

What to write…. This blog in it’s prime was very ranty. I was younger I suppose. More full of piss and vinegar. I can feel myself mellowing. Not so entertaining. I could rant about social distancing. It would be so ‘of the moment’. To be honest though, I really feel like people were never quite designed to go through something like this. It will be very interesting to see how compliant the entire world will be simultaneously. I’m really not that angry with people right now. Again, if you’re reading this years from now, WE MADE IT!

Starved for something to write about, I thought about a prompt of some sorts that would ask me questions that I could just answer. Slight cop out, but should get me through my first session. I stumbled across another WordPress blog that had just such a list. I’ll attach the link as a shout out. It’s from 9 years ago, so who knows if she still writes or whatever, but I didn’t do too much research on the other, because I had to start typing. https://efcarletti.wordpress.com/2011/12/28/50-good-questions-to-ask-yourself-and-others/

I did not compare these questions with others on the net. I just committed to answering them. I have not even read them all. My answers will be below each question

50 good questions to ask yourself and others

1. What are your nicknames? What do you prefer to be called?

I’m a giver of nicknames. Not always a receiver of one.

2. What books on your shelf are begging to be read?

‘Acid For The Children’ – Flea ‘Muhammad Ali – Through The Eyes of the World’ – Various…..Currently reading ‘The Beastie Boys Book’…. I never read, but this week I’ve read a lot.

3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?

I don’t. I guess I mind doodle? It looks crazy

4. What do you do if you can’t sleep at night? Do you count sheep? Toss and Turn? Try to get up and do something productive?

I mind doodle lol

5. How many days could you last in solitary confinement? How would you do it?

Not sure. I feel like I could last a while. I think I would just develop other personalities and invisible friends and make the best of it.

6. Do you save old greeting cards and letters? Throw them away?

I save them, but never go through them. Maybe I will though.

7. Who is the biggest pack rat you know?

My mom. Sorry mom.

8. When making an entrance in to a party, do you make your presence known? Do you slip in and look for someone you know? Do you sneak in quietly and find a safe spot to roost?

Depends on the party and it depends on how I feel at the time. I’ve done all 3, but if it’s people I know well, I make my presence known, because that’s more fun.

9. What is your strongest sense? If you had to give one up, which would it be?

Humour lol. I guess that’s not the answer. I’d give up smell maybe?

10. How many times a day do you look at yourself in the mirror?

Couldn’t attach a number to it. Every time I pass one.

11. What is the strangest thing you believed as a child?

That my face would ‘stay like that’

12. What is one guilty pleasure you enjoy too much to give up?

I think I enjoy teasing people. I try not to be mean about it, or at least know ahead of time if the person can ‘handle’ it or not. I do it to my son. He hates it. I hated it when I was his age. I’d like to think that I’m preparing him to deal with it later in life when it’s not me that does it, which is possibly true. I think you need to learn to laugh at yourself. Once you can laugh at yourself, it takes the sting out of other people laughing at you. I think. Or maybe I’m causing mass psychological damage to everyone I know. Sorry.

13. Who performs the most random acts of kindness out of everyone you know?

Jade (speaking of people I love to tease). She is the queen of intentionally doing ridiculous things, and feeling zero shame about any of it. For a couple of years we worked together and she was my boss. If I made the mistake of offering to go on a Starbucks run, I would have to rhyme off 7 obnoxious details about her drink like the amount of sugar or whip cream, and it was never just the standard amount. I don’t think she goes a month without doing something that by most standards is completely bizarre, and posting it on social media for all her friends to either lol, or eye roll at. Every pic she takes of herself has a Jade face, where she looks like she’s getting shot out of a cannon. She was a fun boss and good friend. When my father passed away, she would cook food, and bring it to my mom’s house (I don’t know if my mom even knew who she was). When my wife had to go to the hospital for a day, she insisted on ordering us a dinner from Uber Eats even though we hadn’t hung out a lot during that time. I’ll never forget those gestures.

14. How often do you read the newspaper? Which paper? Which sections?

Wow. Like I said, these questions are from 9 years ago, so I’ll answer this one like it was 9 years ago. Every day. Toronto Star or Toronto Sun, Sports page, and whatever else I have time for.

15. Which animals scare you most? Why?

Rats are fucking nasty, I don’t know why.

16. Are you more likely to avoid conflict or engage it head-on?

Depends on the day. Instinct is to avoid, but my learned behaviour is to engage head-on, after a cooling off period preferably.

17. What was the most recent compliment you’ve received and savoured?

Somebody at work took me aside and thanked me for teaching them so much. That meant a lot.

18. What is something about yourself that you hope will change, but probably never will?

I always secretly admire people who can wake up in the morning, seem rested, and have a great breakfast routine, where they mentally prepare for the day. Oh and do yoga and or workout in the morning. When I wake up in the morning I push the snooze button 14 times, and fly through the condo like I’m escaping from a fire, and I’m at work with a coffee in my hand and a breakfast bar in my pocket to be consumed later, probably no more than 30 minutes after my head is still on my pillow

19. Are you a creature of habit? Explain.

Yeah. Maybe. No. I don’t know.

20. Are you high maintenance? Explain.

I would say no. However I offset that with being completely unreasonable over small details, so yes. (Just asked my wife. She spoke to me about it for 20 minutes, and says EVERYBODY thinks so.)

21. When was the last time you really pushed yourself to your physical limits?

Once or twice a week I play basketball against people that are usually 10-20 years younger than me. It takes me 2 days to recover. How much longer can I do this?  I guess as long as the back holds up.

22. Do you have a whole lot of acquaintances or just a few very close friends? Why?

I’ve usually just rolled with a few close incredibly long tenured friends.  Shout out to them.  Apparently I’m high maintenance 😉

23. Are you more inclined to “build your own empire” or unleash the potential of others?

Both, but to build an empire, I need others to unleash the potential of me. I’m too lazy to do things alone. I need the right partnership to get shit done.

24. What’s a strange occurrence you’ve experienced but have never (or rarely) shared with anyone?

I saw an alien spaceship land and……….I have a blog. If I witnessed a strange occurrence, you would know by now.

25. What do you think about more than anything else?

5 way tie and it depends on the day. Family/Friends/Work/Sports/Music

Well…. That’s 25 out of 50 questions. As my high school teachers would confirm, that gets me a D and a pass. I’ve learned some very important things here today. Talking about myself is exhausting. I am HIGH maintenance according to my wife and possibly many others. Blogging starts out fun for the first 300 words, and then gets sucky and boring past 1000.

Anyways… for those that read to the bottom. Stay safe and wash your hands 🙂 For those that don’t read to the bottom, stay safe and wash your hands as well.

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