The Onion is the funniest, and in strange ways the most accurate newspaper around. For those that haven’t read it, it’s a satirical newspaper that is ‘shit your pants’ funny, but if you read between the lines, most of the stories are delivering a viewpoint in a really clever manner. I don’t laugh out loud at any other time more than I do when I read this paper (or website http://www.theonion.com). In that I’ve written a blog for an entire year that I like to categorize as humorous, my dream writing job would be to work for ‘the Onion’. (I don’t want to fully commit to that…. I have no idea what the working conditions or pay are like…..it could totally be a nightmare job as opposed to a dream job for all I know.) That being said, I decided it would be a neat idea to write an article ‘Onion-style’ to see if I could pull it off. Perhaps YOU can be the judge (which is a sad plea for comments on my blog….. did you see right through that?)
My article……
“Local Youth Achieves Street Credibility With The Purchase Of Low-Rise Jeans”
TORONTO – Local Youth Richie Johnson achieved street credibility yesterday by purchasing a pair of jeans that show the crack of his ass when he bends over. When asked if he thought it would be annoying to have to pull his pants up after every two and a half steps he takes, Richie was quoted as saying “Yeah, they’re a little uncomfortable, but they look cool, and that’s all that matters.” Sources confirmed that most of the kids that Richie wants to hang out with wear pants that are incredibly tight from the ankles through the thighs, and then unexplainably loose around the waist. “It adds to my street cred,” Richie added.
A classmate of Richie’s who requested to remain unnamed commented that “Richie is just a loser who thinks that if he dresses cool, that people will like him better.” The anonymous source confirmed that Richie has absolutely no ‘street cred’ to ‘add to’. Studies indicate that most of the wannabe thugs and gangsters that are wearing these pants are completely unaware of the irony that wearing pants that show a good 3 inches of butt cleavage (and thinking it makes you look like a bad boy) makes it impossible to outrun the police should their illegal activities ever lead to such a foot chase, yet they insist. “I think Richie thinks he’s a rapper now that he bought these jeans”, the source continued. “I don’t know who he thinks he is…. last week he was wearing fucking corduroy from Wal-Mart”
When his family was reached for comment, his older brother Marcus was the only one who was willing to speak with reporters. “Richie’s such a punk. A real embarrassment to the rest of the family. He’s wanted this idiotic looking pants for 2 years now, and our mom finally let him get a pair. He’s so full of himself right now, I swear when he’s least expecting, I’m going to give him the biggest fucking wedgie, of all time….. It’ll take him 2 weeks to get his balls out of his ass…. fucking goof!”
Teachers and students from his high school have seen this type of behavior before. Two years ago it was reported that he spent an entire semester growing his hair to achieve a windswept Justin Bieber look, but only managed to get his hair to look like a toupee. Jill Stevens, a teammate of Richie’s added “Wow, he finally got those skinny jeans he wanted. You can always count on Richie to be all over some fad that people had forgotten about for 3 years already.”
At press time, there was a growing concern developing over what underwear (that will ultimately be exposed) would be suitable to wear with these jeans. “I never really thought about the importance of that until I tried the jeans on” stated a perplexed Richie. “I guess I’ll just have to see what everyone else is doing!” Richie was last spotted at Target in the boxer short section debating hard about which colour of underwear would be more intimidating.
thoughtsandrantsinjoggingpants 
May 14th, 2013 at 3:45 am
I just found out about the Onion recently so I can’t compare their voice to yours and if it blends well. With that being said, I still liked this and smirked.
May 14th, 2013 at 3:51 am
Thank you 🙂
May 14th, 2013 at 3:54 am
Was this your first satire piece?
May 14th, 2013 at 12:43 pm
Yup. It was harder than I initially thought. I wanted it to be longer.
May 14th, 2013 at 7:01 pm
What made it challenging? Longer? Why? Personally, when i write I try to keep it under 500 words. If you go longer make sure your topic is interesting enough to outlast short attention spans.
May 14th, 2013 at 11:56 pm
I found it hard to stick to the same joke and enhance it, rather than just move on to something else. I also had difficulty with the ‘news report’ lingo. I never read the paper 😉 I’m long winded though….. I have to go longer than 500, and hopefully the audience will stay with me.
May 15th, 2013 at 12:08 am
Which leads to my next question. So did you pick up on the lingo reading The Onion? Well keep writing and we will see if they do.
May 14th, 2013 at 7:02 am
Hey, that’s a pretty good rendition of the Onion. If I just read your article without the intro at the beginning I wouldn’t have been able to tell the difference. Didn’t the Onion publish stuff that even the North Koreans thought were true (or the Chinese Communists, can’t remember).
May 14th, 2013 at 12:46 pm
Thanks! Yeah, they awarded Kim Jong-un their sexiest man alive, but the Chinese media reported it as news, because they didn’t get the joke.
May 14th, 2013 at 12:51 pm
We’re a humorless bunch, we Chinese. We think driving like a blind monkey and evading taxes is a joke.
May 14th, 2013 at 11:52 pm
Yeah…. I thought it would have been obvious to everyone. Unintentionally it actually got a lot funnier thanks to the Chinese! (Glass half full!!)
May 14th, 2013 at 1:44 pm
LOVE the Onion! My husband writes “onion” articles for fun sometimes as well, but I think it’s time we submit them. Funny shit!
May 14th, 2013 at 11:52 pm
Nice! I wonder if they take submissions. We should look into it!
May 14th, 2013 at 4:30 pm
I thought it was great! I think if it was longer, it would have lost it’s satire. Good job!
May 14th, 2013 at 11:53 pm
Thank you 🙂
May 18th, 2013 at 2:29 am
Good point!
June 17th, 2013 at 5:12 am
I did the same thing and it was a little harder than I thought. You had some good lines, but it was a bit too long. It’s easier to stick with the same joke if it’s short and sweet; the Onion has both types, but generally their shorter posts get the point across and are hilarious. I wouldn’t mind some feedback on mine, from you or anyone else. Tell me what you think…
http://longface82.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/the-potahto-satirical-news-to-cure-the-blues/
June 17th, 2013 at 4:16 pm
Thanks for the feedback. I read your most recent one about the Mother’s Day non-gift. Regarding feedback, it was told well as a story. If you want to ‘Onionize’ it more, I would include 3rd party ‘sources’ to comment on the situation like a sibling. Those comments are always my favorite part of Onion articles. Otherwise I thought it was great. 🙂
June 17th, 2013 at 4:38 pm
Actually, the Mother’s Day one was the oldest. I dated all of them (except that one- they get newer as you scroll down) because instead of creating a new page/post for each story I just update the original. It’s probably not the smartest way to do it, but this way they are all in one spot instead of scattered all over my site. Anyways, thanks for the feedback man, appreciate it.