May 21, 2013

Who’s That On Your Profile Pic?

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

I’m revisiting a rant from my pre-Wordpress days. I don’t know why it made me so many enemies at the time. Not real enemies I guess, but there were a lot of people with differing opinions about it, and that makes me happy because I do like to stir it up from time to time.

On a Facebook status update I once said that I hated it when people used pictures of their children as their profile pics. Last night at a bar, a friend fondly recalled this as me ‘hating when people post pictures of their kids on Facebook’. That is NOT EVEN THE SAME THING!

Facebook logo

I have this belief that a Facebook profile picture should be a picture of the person whose profile it is. Call me old-fashioned! This is the picture that I see when I’m trying to figure out who you are. This is the picture that I see when you leave a comment on my page. Sometimes when people have babies, they like to put a picture of the baby as their profile pic. I don’t like that! If your kid needs to be the profile pic, then maybe it’s time for them to have their own page.

I’m not suggesting that you shouldn’t have pictures of your kids on Facebook. Post as many pics of your kids as you want!! In photo albums. I love seeing your beautiful families. Just not on the profile pic. That should be you. Can it be a pic with you with your kid? Sure…. but not your kid solo. It irritates me.

Maybe it’s because when I see a Facebook comment, I like to look at the person’s picture and imagine them saying that to me. Or maybe it’s just that I don’t want to picture a newborn baby delivering a social commentary about how the mayor of Toronto is a crackhead, or a 4-year-old posting a YouTube clip of a Led Zeppelin video. Take responsibility for your status updates, and stop hiding behind your kids. It’s like not looking me in the eye when you talk to me.

When I first presented this idea to people, I got a lot of that ‘When you have a kid, you’ll understand’ business. Well I do have a kid now, and as much as it pains me to say, he’s substantially better looking than I am. While I’m happy to share that with my Facebook friends, I do not do so in the form of a profile pic….. cuz it aint his profile!!!

I know what you’re thinking….. what kind of thing is this to care about?? How much extra emotional energy does this guy have to be irritated by something so unimportant and trivial? It may surprise you (but at the 457 character mark, it shouldn’t because I never wrap up this quickly) that this is actually part of a bigger philosophy I have about parenting. I lacked credibility before I had a kid, so people didn’t want to hear my opinion on this, but like all the other parents who think they’re so damn smart because they managed to create a human (and they didn’t even have to go to school for it), I now would like to present my advice on parenting. Please feel free to give feedback, or to ignore as you see fit.

I think that too many parents give too much of themselves to the endeavour of raising their kids. There seems to be a breed of super-parents who have no lives outside of their kids. I don’t mean to criticize this because in a way, it’s the most selfless thing you can do. I’m certainly not suggesting that you should have kids without the intention of going ‘all-in’ either…. that wouldn’t be right. Somewhere along the line though, the world has seen armies of interesting people get into the ‘human creation’ game, and come out the other side ‘not-too-interesting’. I can see how it happens too. This is an all-consuming undertaking, this parenting thing…. not for the weak-hearted!

Maybe there’s a way we can do this without totally losing our identity though…. maybe there’s a way we can ‘keep our own photo as our profile pic’ so to speak…..I know there’s not a lot of time to do things we want to do, and when we get that extra time, the first thing we think of is what else can we do for our children…. which is great! I’m sure they appreciate it.

The thing is that one day they’ll get older. One day, they’ll want to know about YOUR life. One day, they’ll want to know that YOU had hopes and dreams, and at least occasionally went after them. At the time that they reach a certain age and have their own family, they might want to know that YOU didn’t just shut it down and live through them exclusively, but that maybe YOU still had a few tricks up your sleeve, and maybe YOU were someone interesting who they could really look up to.

So all you super-parents out there, I’m sure your babies appreciate all you do for them, and this isn’t meant to be-little any of the sacrifices you make. It’s just to remind you that your babies want you to be happy, even if they don’t know it yet. They want you to still live your life (or at least as much of it as you have time for). Most importantly your babies want you to be a person of interest, not just their parent. They won’t be offended if you take back your identity…. they’ll respect you for it in the end (providing you don’t do a complete 180 and start becoming a crappy parent, that’s not what I’m trying to say). Take some of your life back if you can! Start with that profile pic. YOU ARE STILL A PERSON!

A message of inspiration from Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants :)

11 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

May 14, 2013

If I wrote for ‘The Onion’, it would look something like this……

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

The Onion is the funniest, and in strange ways the most accurate newspaper around. For those that haven’t read it, it’s a satirical newspaper that is ‘shit your pants’ funny, but if you read between the lines, most of the stories are delivering a viewpoint in a really clever manner. I don’t laugh out loud at any other time more than I do when I read this paper (or website http://www.theonion.com). In that I’ve written a blog for an entire year that I like to categorize as humorous, my dream writing job would be to work for ‘the Onion’. (I don’t want to fully commit to that…. I have no idea what the working conditions or pay are like…..it could totally be a nightmare job as opposed to a dream job for all I know.) That being said, I decided it would be a neat idea to write an article ‘Onion-style’ to see if I could pull it off. Perhaps YOU can be the judge (which is a sad plea for comments on my blog….. did you see right through that?)

My article……

“Local Youth Achieves Street Credibility With The Purchase Of Low-Rise Jeans”

TORONTO – Local Youth Richie Johnson achieved street credibility yesterday by purchasing a pair of jeans that show the crack of his ass when he bends over. When asked if he thought it would be annoying to have to pull his pants up after every two and a half steps he takes, Richie was quoted as saying “Yeah, they’re a little uncomfortable, but they look cool, and that’s all that matters.” Sources confirmed that most of the kids that Richie wants to hang out with wear pants that are incredibly tight from the ankles through the thighs, and then unexplainably loose around the waist. “It adds to my street cred,” Richie added.

A classmate of Richie’s who requested to remain unnamed commented that “Richie is just a loser who thinks that if he dresses cool, that people will like him better.” The anonymous source confirmed that Richie has absolutely no ‘street cred’ to ‘add to’. Studies indicate that most of the wannabe thugs and gangsters that are wearing these pants are completely unaware of the irony that wearing pants that show a good 3 inches of butt cleavage (and thinking it makes you look like a bad boy) makes it impossible to outrun the police should their illegal activities ever lead to such a foot chase, yet they insist. “I think Richie thinks he’s a rapper now that he bought these jeans”, the source continued. “I don’t know who he thinks he is…. last week he was wearing fucking corduroy from Wal-Mart”

When his family was reached for comment, his older brother Marcus was the only one who was willing to speak with reporters. “Richie’s such a punk. A real embarrassment to the rest of the family. He’s wanted this idiotic looking pants for 2 years now, and our mom finally let him get a pair. He’s so full of himself right now, I swear when he’s least expecting, I’m going to give him the biggest fucking wedgie, of all time….. It’ll take him 2 weeks to get his balls out of his ass…. fucking goof!”

Teachers and students from his high school have seen this type of behavior before. Two years ago it was reported that he spent an entire semester growing his hair to achieve a windswept Justin Bieber look, but only managed to get his hair to look like a toupee. Jill Stevens, a teammate of Richie’s added “Wow, he finally got those skinny jeans he wanted. You can always count on Richie to be all over some fad that people had forgotten about for 3 years already.”

At press time, there was a growing concern developing over what underwear (that will ultimately be exposed) would be suitable to wear with these jeans. “I never really thought about the importance of that until I tried the jeans on” stated a perplexed Richie. “I guess I’ll just have to see what everyone else is doing!” Richie was last spotted at Target in the boxer short section debating hard about which colour of underwear would be more intimidating.

16 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

May 6, 2013

Robots Taking Over The World With Your Help

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Sadly, I’m old enough to vaguely remember when I had to get up off the couch to change the channel on the television set. Which possibly means that I’m part of the last generation of people who actually appreciate shit. The channel changing mechanism was actually on the television itself. You had to turn it. This was before we had cable. It sucked for the viewer. Pretty good times for the advertisers though. No changing the channel for a commercial. Unless you had boundless energy. You pretty much committed to a program, and channel surfing was really disruptive to anybody who happened to be in the room. Someone had to get up and block the view and turn this knob, which was not a soft intuitive touch knob. It made lots of noise. We had about 4 channels that came in good, and maybe 5 others that were blurry (which was acceptable if you wanted to watch something bad enough).

Then we got cable, and that came with a converter. Not only did we get way more channels, but it was easier to change them. This was a good thing! Technology made things better, and few could argue with this. Yeah, we got fatter! Yeah, we didn’t go outside as often, but we found that balance where entertainment was a lot more accessible, but not so instantly gratifying that we could just snap our fingers and get anything we want any time of the day like we seem to be able to do now. I could list off all of the amazing technological advances that have happened since my family first got cable, but….
a) it wouldn’t make for an interesting blog, and
b) 90% of my readers are better informed about them than I am (and one of the first and best pieces of advice regarding writing that I learned from one of my teachers is to ‘write what you know’, and I don’t know shit about technology, and I’m 300 words in and still haven’t gotten to the point.)

What I’m trying to say is, all of the technology that keeps coming out seems cool. Looks good. Smells good. Then why does my gut tell me that it’s not such a good thing in the long run? I mean, what harm could come of it? I’ll get back to this.

I’m constantly (I feel) blogging about grocery stores. I swear my life is way more interesting than that, but Monday has 2 things in common for me. I blog and do groceries. So if I start blogging about groceries, it can’t be helped sometimes. In a previous grocery store rant, I alluded to doing a future rant about the following topic….. “The Self Check Out”

The self check out seems convenient because it’s usually a ‘no-lineup’ situation. This is an opportunity to do a transaction without any human contact whatsoever. Believe me, that seems appealing to me some days as well. I don’t do it though…. Why?? Self checkouts, like a lot of other situations in our society right now is a way for companies to make more money while employing less human beings. Human beings (as flawed as they are) need jobs. It’s kind of selfish to support an initiative that is really only designed to take jobs away from people. That’s just my opinion (most people would say, but I say ‘it’s true, you’re all fucking selfish!!!!!!’…….OK wait… I was going to save the rage for the last paragraph….. let’s continue the calm buildup)

The car industry…. possibly my favourite example….. I’ve never been to a manufacturing plant, so I don’t know how much work machines are doing that humans used to do. A lot, I would imagine. I do know this though….. They are inventing cars that can parallel park for you. Parallel parking which is the final frontier of learning how to drive and passing a road test, and maybe the only tricky thing that we really have to learn which would make a driving test somewhat difficult (which it should be to allow the dimwitted public to operate lethal heavy machinery), has now been taken out of the mix. Again, there’s an argument to be made that this is a good thing, but I would make the argument that nothing is to be gained by taking responsibility away from people. Will we be grateful?? Nope, within 10 years, we will be indignant at the prospect of anything less. That’s how we roll! Our minds far less sharp than before…. our abilities to do things not being honed or tested to remain sharp. Perfect conditions for Robots to finally take over the world.

We keep making robots and computers, that are smarter, better and more capable. We give them all of our knowledge, but don’t pass on any of our disgusting traits and habits that make us ‘only human after all’. As long as they stay obedient we’re in good shape, living the good life (as long as we have one of the few jobs that will be left), having access to everything we’ve ever dreamed of. One day however, the robots will decide that serving an inferior being like humans will be a waste of their time, and they will colonize who’s left of us fat, weak-willed, un-skilled, wastes of flesh. This aint Hollywood either. There won’t be a small group of good-looking invincible humans that can save the world. It will go to shit, and we will go with it, smartphones in hand!

How do we stop this from happening?? Should we invent a car that can drive a drunk guy home? (You laugh, but that’s next, sure as in 1990 I wouldn’t have believed that I could carry my entire music collection around on a device smaller than my hand) Should we invent waste containers that can sense when you have garbage in your hands and automatically zoom over to you to catch your candy wrapper before it hits the ground? (We’ve already got a vacuum cleaner that moves around a room on its own). Should we invent more shit to make things easier???? NO YOU DUMMIES!!!!

We are selfish, lazy and stupid!! That is proven by human beings every single moment of every day. From the guy that butts in line at the bus stop, to the double parked car owners, to the corrupt bankers living the high life while the whole economy goes to shit, to every idiot politician coming out of the back room with his dick caught in his zipper, to religious radicals that harm people in the name of a religion that’s fundamentally against harming people, to the jerkoffs at the fast food lineup bitching because the food is taking too long (when it hasn’t even been 3 minutes….. honestly, what meal can you cook in under 3 minutes that you’re too impatient to wait that long. 3 minutes man!! Geezz!!).

We have absolutely no prayer against these robots, and we’re walking right into it. Maybe if we got off our asses and learned to do something instead of getting an app that does it for you…. or maybe if we stopped supporting institutions that take jobs away from actual human beings that need jobs….. or maybe if we learned how to parallel park a fucking car……. or taught our kids (who are far more adept at killing people in a video game than they are at spelling) to play outside…… or didn’t limit our thoughts about life to 140 characters……maybe, just maybe we could delay the inevitable. As things are currently moving, I don’t like our chances!

16 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

April 30, 2013

Orlando Babies

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

Orlando Babies would be a great rap name. So would Skilly Nelson, but that’s not what this blog is about.

I’m in Orlando with babies, and surrounded by babies. Like our pilot said when 60% of the people on the flight were lined up waiting to get their strollers and car seats…. “That’s Orlando for ya!!”

I have 3 things to comment on, all involving Orlando and babies in some way.

1. I was at Epcot Center today. For those yet to be enchanted by the magical perfection that is Walt Disney World, Epcot Center is one of their theme parks. I remember my first time going to Epcot Center when I was a kid, and it was an unforgettable experience as I believe all Disney Parks should be for all kids. Except locals I suppose. Perhaps it’s not such a big deal if you actually live in Orlando. I’m not ashamed to say it was pretty exciting to me as a kid. Today, as I walked around the park with my son for his first time, something struck me as kind of odd. Little kids seemed to be having meltdowns and freaking the fuck out on what I would consider an alarmingly regular basis. It would be fair to say that five minutes didn’t go by without some kid absolutely losing his/her shit at the park. I didn’t understand this. Kids…… This should be one of the greatest days of your young lives. Your parents probably brought you here at considerable expense. Most of the kids you know are playing around at home with their shitty toys, but YOU are at Walt Disney World, (dare I say) The Greatest Place on Earth (other than Las Vegas)!!! What in the hell is your problem?? What could possibly be causing you this level of distress?? Your parents flew you here, and this is the attitude you’re going to take towards today’s festivities??? If you want them to continue to take you places like this, you better cool out!! I don’t get these kids.

2. My brother and law and my niece walked into a short film that had some cast members from the movie ‘Lion King’. This was a big deal for my niece who is 2.5 yrs old, and is very familiar with The Lion King. I think Disney got us in there on some false pretenses however….. This wasn’t a sequel, or any kind of interesting follow-up. They had basically used the characters to do an environmental piece about how we’ve been ruining the world but ‘there’s still hope if we act now’. I felt manipulated, but I have to give credit where credit is due…… They have the undivided (maybe that’s not the right word) attention of the babies who are the world’s future, and instead of fluff, they’re teaching them to be environmentally conscious. Disney Guilt!!! Making the world a better place!

3. Out of respect for my son’s privacy I’ve decided not to say too much about him on this blog. Which is too bad. He’s quite a character. I could go on and on about him, but I’m trying to be original, and talking about your kids all the time is something that is done….. frequently…..which is cool, I mean we all love kids but…. I gotta go a different route……at least with this blog……you should know though that all I do at work is follow people around with my phone and make them look at pictures of my son……. They usually say he’s really handsome…… if they don’t then I say it…..life’s too short to be bashful….Having said all of that, here’s a quick story about my son.

He just turned 6 months old. We’re in Orlando like I mentioned, and the weather in Toronto has been shitty. We didn’t get a spring, it was just pissy all the time. I’m sure it’s nice there right now, since I’m not there….always happens. Anyways, I took him swimming for the first time the other day. 6 months old. I wondered if he would be scared, or happy, or annoyed, or surprised…..would he shit his pants???? So I took him down (he looked fucking adorable in his little swimming get-up, it’s just ridiculous…… see this is why I can’t write a parenting blog….because only in my mind would the words ‘fucking adorable’ come out, typed no less, so I could have fixed it and didn’t!!!) and walked slowly into the pool. The whole time I’m looking at his face for some type of reaction. I get nothing. Is the water too cold? Apparently not. Does he like being in the water? Who knows? This kid gave me a look that I can only describe as ‘disinterested’ for a full 30 minutes. I should mention that his face is normally pretty expressive, but he is hard to impress at the best of times. Swimming though?? How could you not have an opinion on that? We didn’t just stand there either. I was moving this kid around. I did everything short of submerging him at the top speed that still seemed reasonable. No reaction!!! Should I feel jipped as a parent? Isn’t this one of those parenting firsts that people always remember? I’ll always remember this, but not for the reasons I would have thought.

8 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

April 23, 2013

25 Random Things About Myself

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

My wife thought it was cool that her friend had once posted a list like this somewhere (Facebook I guess). I’m 10 minutes from missing out on doing my Monday blog, and I was sifting through notes to self on my Blackberry looking for inspiration. I write notes to myself now when I think of something that’s funny, or a good blog topic. I only started doing this last year. It’s a shame because I was coming up with great ideas for 37 years before that, and I can’t remember any of them right now. If I could give advice to a younger creative person, it would be to write down your ideas. You always think you’ll remember them later, but chances are you won’t. Especially if you’re a space cadet like me.

Anyways….. my wife rolled in 5 minutes ago and gave me a blog idea right at the exact moment that I needed one, and while it’s not an original concept, it’s different for every person that does it, since we are all individuals, and no 2 of us are the same (like snowflakes…… or scabs). What I like about it most is that it allows me to write without any continuity which would have required a lot more energy than I have, and I do love a good list, so without further mindless padding of the word-count, I bring you….

25 Random Things About Me

1. My name is Ryan. I’m 38 years old. I tell people that I popularized the name Ryan. If you’d like to refute that claim, go ahead and try to collect evidence. Think of all the Ryans you know that are over 38. Write that number down. Now think about the Ryans you’ve heard about that are under 38. I promise that there’s way more. Way more!! Why? I don’t want to appear arrogant, but the proof is in the pudding. Check the stats!!

2. I was a Boy Scout when I was a kid. I went to meetings hoping that a game of Dodgeball would break out. Sometimes it did. I used to be embarrassed about this. Now I’m not. I’m proud that I could go into the wilderness and survive for 3 or 4 hours, and I owe it all to the Boy Scouts.

3. When I was a kid I would drink a tall cold glass of milk when I got thirsty. Gross.

4. I have over 13,000 songs on my iPod. That’s a pretty serious music collection by most standards. I’m proud of this. I should have been a DJ. It’s one of about 13,000 things I wanted to do with my life.

5. I’ve worked as a waiter in a Chinese restaurant before. We only had like 3 or 4 customers that would come in during lunch hour. One girl always ordered chocolate milk (in a Chinese restaurant??), and I would run out the back door, across a busy intersection to the convenience store, buy one, run back, pour it in a glass, and bring it out to her. I did this every day. What can I say? She was a regular!

6. I am a sports fanatic!

7. I’m not anywhere near as judgemental in real life as I am in my blog.

8. I hate all new stuff that people like. I like all old stuff that I like.

9. You know when you’re a kid and people tell you that other people tease you because they like you? I never got that. Now that I’m older, I tease people because I like them.

10. As previously documented on an earlier blog or two, 6 months ago my father passed away unexpectedly 3 days before my son (his first grandchild) was born. That fucks with me every single day, and it’s every bit as bad as it sounds. Still, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have had him in my life for as long as I did. It was a privilege.

11. My wife, son and I occasionally have random dance parties when he’s in the Jolly Jumper. I don’t think I’m overstating it, but this kid is a dancing prodigy! If I put a Youtube compilation together it would go viral instantly. I’m sure of it. I respect his privacy too much for that though.

12. I’m a procrastinator. To prove this, I intentionally posted this blog on a Tuesday instead of a Monday. (See what I did there? I tried to make it look intentional that I’m a day late?? Like it was an example of procrastination?? Genius!! Oh….. you didn’t fall for it??)

13. My clothes have to match. They don’t have to be ‘in season’ or ‘in style’, but goddamnit they better co-ordinate because life is too short to wear a black belt with brown shoes.

14. When it was clear that VHS machines were on their way out, I started buying up a bunch of movies for cheap thinking that I would purchase one of the last VCRs ever made, and ride it out with my collection of awesome movies I paid almost nothing for. That hasn’t happened as of yet.

15. I think Twitter is the dumbest trend I’ve ever seen #justwrongonsomanylevels #dontreallygiveashitwhatpeoplehavetosayevery10seconds #yourfeedbackoneverylittlefuckingthingoutthereissounimportant
That being said, follow me @T_A_R_I_J_P! I will let you know every time I post a blog, and I will do sweet little else aside from the odd obligatory comment to make my Twitter widget on my blog page seem like there’s some action on it.

16. I’m having a difficult time coming up with 25 things because I just realized I could be blowing 25 potential blog topics by doing this. I’m going to have to make the rest of these more nondescript. Maybe like a generic internet dating profile.

17. I love to laugh.

18. I love long walks on the beach. This has to be my favourite dating cliché. Who says that? I mean, I know everyone does love long walks on the beach, what’s not to love, but how could that possibly be in the top 5 or 10 things you love to do.

19. I just wish Canadians and Americans would spell everything the fucking same!! Fuuuuuck!! I hate spell check on here. It’s American, but I instinctively spell things the Canadian way, but I have a lot of readers from both countries. It’s the same word idiots!!! Why could the forefathers not just have gotten together on this??

20. I love the Toronto Maple Leafs the way you love your oldest friend. You maybe don’t see each other all the time, but when they need you, you’re there. I don’t watch a lot of the games anymore, but when they make the playoffs (which they just did for the first time in 9 years), I’m there. By the way, before any Leaf fans come out of the woodwork and make ‘bandwagon’ comments, I’ve been following this team since Borje Salming and Ian Turnbull were manning the blue line, and Bunny Laraque was in net. I’ve watched every steaming pile of shit team they’ve ever put together. Don’t question my loyalty because I no longer watch them all the time. I did it for my own sanity!

21. I do have a soft spot for ‘girlie drinks’. They taste better, and I don’t suffer from the bullshit bravado that would have you drink hard liquor to prove you’re a man. You have to drink that shit for 5 years before it tastes good, and I don’t have 5 years.

22. I wear boxer briefs. I cannot imagine a scenario where boxers or briefs would be an acceptable substitute.

23. I had quite a few teddy bears when I was a kids. I know that’s not the manliest thing in the world to admit, but they’re stuffed animals….. cute and cuddly…. who wouldn’t like that??? Get over it!

24. My first part-time job was at KFC. Sometimes when you work at a fast food place, you get sick of that food. Many years later my eyes still light up when someone talks about the greasy heart stopping deliciousness that is Kentucky Fried Chicken. No I don’t know what the 11 herbs and spices are. I’m pretty sure it’s flour and the first 11 that you find when you reach into the spice rack.

25. I really did not know how hard this would be. I had to do it over 2 sessions. It made me realize that I don’t like talking about myself as much as I like talking about other people, and my opinions of their poor behaviour. That said, I hope you enjoyed this random little slice of my life. Who wants to hang out with me now? ;)

12 comments   |  tags: , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

April 15, 2013

In My Dreams

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

In my dreams…. I’m a guy that gets up super early, goes for a jog when it’s still dark out, comes home, puts on a pot of coffee, reads the paper, and gets ready for work before anybody else wakes up. Then I go to work, and arrive 30 minutes before start time, and meditates until it’s time to work.

In reality…… I hit the snooze button at least twice after my ‘drop dead’ time for waking up, and tear ass around to get ready on time. I only shave twice a week. I tell people it’s because of sensitive skin, but in reality it’s because I’m typically left to decide between shaving and being on time for work as the higher priority for the day.

In my dreams…. I’m the guy in the Grey Goose commercial who’s sailing his boat out on the ocean near icebergs, and wearing white pants while shucking oysters and drinking vodka on the rocks, not to get smashed, but because I’m sophisticated enough to know the difference between Grey Goose and any other Vodka, and I just drink that shit straight because I can, because I have a boat, and the people I hang out with are that slick, and we all tie sweaters around our necks.

In reality….. I can’t afford a boat and I’m scared of drowning. What gets me excited (and always has) is a pitcher of beer (not just any beer…. I do have SOME taste), and a plate of chicken wings, hanging out with my friends in the lowest common denominator of sports bars hopefully with some godforsaken Toronto sports team finally in the playoffs on a big screen TV. I’m pretty simple at end of the day.

In my dreams….. I’m well read. I have a vast library of books, and I like to curl up on a Sunday morning with a good book and read the day away while it rains outside and a kitten snuggles up beside me and purrs. Biographies, fiction, cookbooks, and self-help books (because in my dreams I’m always trying to get better) etc. A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

In reality……. If it’s longer than 3 paragraphs, good luck. I read blogs, but mainly because they’re short and I write blogs. I go to Chapters with my wife and buy a book on sale because it looks interesting, but I only read when I’m on a beach or an airplane, so most of those books have never been opened. The upside of this is that some people have commented that my writing style is original…. yeah no shit… I have no idea what it’s supposed to look like, so I just write like I talk. If I’d actually read a book, I’d probably try to write like an actual author. Sundays are spent napping on the couch in between football/basketball/baseball games on TV. I don’t like cats.

In my dreams….. I’m well-travelled. I’m the guy that was at the other table in the restaurant on Saturday, discussing the upcoming trip to Japan with his friends. He wasn’t Japanese though, he was just a guy that travels a lot. He spoke knowledgeably about what was there, and telling his friends where they could meet up and what they could do (because they both just happen to be going simultaneously, but not together??? I’d love to have that coincidence. ‘Oh, I’m gonna be in Japan next month… You too?? No way!!! We should meet up!!!). I would love to have a story to counter every travel story that someone told me. It would go like this..
Other person – Oh you should have seen how beautiful Amsterdam was blah blah blah
Me – I know…. I was there last week blah blah blah, and did way cooler stuff blah blah blah

In reality……. I go to Vegas a lot. Some of the hotels are designed to look like other places which I really appreciate, like Paris, New York New York, The Venetian. Now the upside is that I could totally write a Vegas tourism blog (there’s that idea again…. how do I manage to always work this in…. it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a real thing.) Otherwise, I watch some Anthony Bourdain shows and that’s about the extent of how cultured I am.

In my dreams…… I’m a rock star. I play all kinds of instruments effortlessly. I rock shows, make albums, even do session work for other famous artists. I appear in documentaries meant for the general public making a bunch of nerdy musical observations that only other musicians could hope to understand. I write tell all books about all the crazy hotel parties that I’ve been to, and name drop shamelessly.

In reality……. I borrowed my buddy’s guitar one time, and got a couple of books (which I don’t read) and DVDs meant to help me learn to play. I picked that thing up, and put my fingers in the (impossible) positions that represented basic chords, and realized ‘This hurts my fuckin hands!’

4 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Uncategorized

April 9, 2013

My Bloggiversary

By Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants

This is my 51st blog. I’m kind of excited because it means ‘Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants’ is a year old. This is a big deal for me because I don’t usually have great success following through on these types of commitments with this type of consistency. A year ago I vowed to write a blog every Monday, and with the exception of the week after my father died/son was born (in the same week!!!!!) I have written a blog. It wasn’t always as amazing as I’d hoped, and to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t always on Monday (as recently as last week). Still, it’s been a pretty good experience. I’ve had a lot of great support and feedback (Thank you!), and it’s made me hungry to continue on and perhaps even start a 2nd blog. Maybe I’ll even write a book. More on that later.

At the end of a year it’s normal to take inventory and think about the year past and the year ahead. I’ve written a pretty rant-heavy group of pieces covering topics including but not limited to chain letters, dog imprisonment, record stores, shopping bag frustration, comb-overs, knitting and other hipster antics, crappy wedding songs and public transit encounters. I feel I’ve still yet to scratch the surface. I feel like there’s way more in the way of disgusting human behavior that I’m yet to cast judgement on. I think there is a world of stupidity that is yet to be made fun of. I know I have answers to some of society’s most burning questions, (like why are Starbucks drinks so expensive? I won’t make you wait for this….. the answer is that a cast of idiots think it’s the perfect place to stare at their laptop for 2 hours, and there are only about 12 places to sit in each one, so if they don’t charge enough, they’ll go out of business. This isn’t your living room or a library ya fuckin squatters…get a house!) and I want to share them with you.

What have I learned?

I’ve learned that not a lot of my followers enjoy sports blogs. I’ve learned that if you want to be featured on the WordPress ‘Freshly Pressed’ section, you have to do something different from what I’m doing (which is cursing, and not including pictures….. and let me say this about that….. I’m not a fan of pictures in blogs….. it’s like cheating…… you’re supposed to captivate your audience without pictures….. unless you actually took the pictures yourself, and it really pertains to what you’re doing like a food blog or a travel blog…. I suppose they would require pictures….. I’m just tired of all these blogs that have pictures that were taken off some other website just so you can have a picture….. but I do understand that more people read your blog if there’s a picture….. so maybe I’ll have to start including pictures…. and I’ll try to swear less in the new blog-year…… I didn’t realize until today how many of my Mom’s friends read this). I’ve learned that I need to read other blogs more, and be supportive of other people to even out my blog-karma. I’ve learned that no matter how awesome I think one of my blogs is, it will not get as many views or comments as one that I don’t think is as good which means one of two things…..Either I have no idea what people like, or people have no idea what I like. Or both. Or neither.

What are my goals for this Blog-Year?

I have 102 people who subscribe to my blog, meaning they get a notification their email every time I post. That seems like a lot, but I know there’s a lot of people who just wait for me to post it on Facebook or Twitter. So I could have more. I would like 1000 by the end of next blog-year. If I get up to 1000 subscribers, I will write a book. Only then will I know that I have a shot at selling 20 or 30 of them. If I can’t get 1000 subscribers to a free blog, then I won’t be able to sell a book anyways, so no real point in writing one. I could spend my energy doing something else. So if you wonder what a book by me might be like, then tell a friend or two about my blog. It’s really easy to become a subscriber. There’s a link on the right side of the page, and you just have to click it (actually there might be more to it for non-wordpress users. I suppose you’ll have to fill in your email address, but pretty easy as far as things go, and you can cancel anytime). I will also add a widget that tells you how many subscribers I’m at. I’m not usually a fan of the shameless self promotion, but nobody ever got anywhere without doing it, so tell 2 friends, and they can tell 2 friends, and so on, and so on, and so on (quick…. where was that from??? Was it a TV commercial??? I honestly don’t know, but I think it was an 80s thing.) To summarize, 1000 subscribers, I write a book, less than 1000 subscribers, no book! Then in my 3rd blog-year I want 1 million subscribers!! Anything less than that and we’re just fooling around.

Anywhoooooooooo…. I’d like to thank everyone who has read Thoughts and Rants in Jogging Pants, and provided feedback/encouragement/support. It’s way more fun to write when you know people are reading. I’ve enjoyed all the new blogger friends I’ve made, and I’m glad that my ramblings are serving a purpose (entertainment), rather than just annoying people. I hope that your morning coffee, or commute to work, or lineup at the bank, or late night glass of wine, or whatever situation you’ve been in that’s made you want to read this blog as been better for it. I’m honoured to have you as readers :)

19 comments   |  tags: , , , , , , | posted in Humor, Rants, Uncategorized

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