Shit……I can’t believe I waited this long……This is a long time to lineup for Yoga Pants……Ass sculpting pants that I believe them to be……Still too long…….I would love to line up half this long, and pay half this money……Awww man it’s hot in here, should I take off my jacket?…… I think an underarm sweat just dripped down my side……gross…….it tickles…….look at this chick trying to convince her husband that she needs that jacket……just get it…….if you think he’s gonna sign off on that, you’re crazy……nobody NEEDS a $300 jacket…..he doesn’t care, he just wants to leave this store…..just buy it so he can go watch football……do you think you’re gonna feel better if he ‘buys in’??……not gonna happen, just get it…….or don’t……but put the poor guy out of his misery……I can’t believe I ate McDonald’s before getting into this lineup……I read an article last week about how it was unfit for human consumption……and I ate it less than a week later……I suck……Maybe I should do yoga again…..I sweat too much…….like a faucet……so embarrassing…….I like these inspirational quotes on the wall…….”Friends are more important than money”……. that’s hilarious coming from a store that charges this much for Yoga Pants…….”Do one thing a day that scares you”…….I ate McDonald’s before lining up at Lululemon in December……..”Dance, Sing, Floss and Travel”……These are hilarious…..Who comes up with this shit?……… I would love to get a job creating inspirational quotes….. How about this one….. “The world is your hamburger……”…..Harder than I thought……I thought I had something there……Man, this McDonald’s is affecting my mind……Who brings their kids to the mall and expects to get feedback on purchases?…… That’s dumb…..What does an 8-year-old know about fashion?……Are you trying to keep them engaged in what’s happening???? Give them a toy….. Or tell them to read the quotes on the wall……I wonder how high/drunk/sweaty Rob Ford would be if he had to line up here…..Why do so many people have Canada Goose jackets??….. So expensive…..What’s an Arctic Program??…..I wanna be a part of an Arctic Program, do I have to buy a jacket or is it ‘no purchase necessary’?…….People in the city do not need that kind of protection….. Get over yourself, you just walk from the parking lot to the office……Is it really a program, or just a badge, or are they trying to make people feel like they’re in a club so they can sell more jackets?……that’s dumb….. Why do I feel like I want to be a part of it?…..I want to be in the Arctic right now, cut a hole in the frozen lake, and have a sea otter pop out and play with me…… that would be cool…..This lineup is slow…..Are they selling warranties or something???….. I better not buy a warranty, my wife always gets mad……I wonder what the return policy is….. This gift better work out, I am not coming back here……Wow, they have menswear here??….. What self-respecting man…… who cares….. I wonder how much Santa Claus gets paid?…..He can’t be doing all this for free……I’m gonna get into the eggnog a bit more this year…… I always forget about it until Christmas Eve, but I think I should keep some in the fridge for the whole month…… I have lots of dark rum……. I wish I was doing something way more glamorous right now…… I should be in France or something…… eating pastries…….Ughhh this music is too uplifting…… It’s having the reverse effect….. I want to go on an angry rampage……that would be dumb…… I’ll continue to wait quietly….. I wish I could get paid handsomely for waiting for stuff….. I’m pretty patient, and perfect for the job I would imagine…….I would totally wait for stuff all the time if it was my job……It sucks that I’m not getting paid right now…….That’s what makes it unpleasant……Plus these shoppers are idiots….. Just get the first one you picked up…..The gut instinct is almost always right….. The shirts you’re looking at are getting uglier and uglier the longer you stay here…..Oh my god I’m near the front of the line…….I feel like I’m being rescued from a deserted island after 5 years……. this is awesome…….”that will be on credit, please!”
It’s the most wonderful time of the year! The holiday shopping experience is underway for most people. Having spent a good chunk of time as a retail professional, I’ve been on both sides of this simultaneously, several times. There’s those long grinding hours on your feet trying to make everyone’s holiday wishes come true, and then if you can possibly squeeze it in on break or after work, doing the same for your own family and friends. People get stressed out over the holidays. I’ve never really understood why. I think it has to do with unrealistic expectations being set either by yourself, or by others. I think high expectations can be a good thing because it makes you strive for success, but when those expectations are too specific, it can lead to disappointment. For example, I think it’s great to say “I want to find a great gift for my mom this year.” It’s a lofty expectation, but very achievable. When you start saying “I want to find a purple blouse with pink flowers that has a 60/40 cotton/polyester blend in just the right size that will go just perfectly with those pants she loves to wear and that new scarf I bought her last year, but it needs to be from that store that she loves, and can’t be dry-clean only for my mom this year”…….. you might be setting yourself up for a bit of disappointment.
Last year I wrote part one of this blog, and was putting the consumers on blast for treating retailers like shit over the holidays while we humbly aid you in trying to make this ‘the best Christmas ever!!’ This year I will take the side of the shopper, and take aim at a few of the stores, and sales people whose ineptitude does not help us track down our purple blouses any faster. I bring you Holiday Retail Pet Peeves, Part 2.
- First of all, you don’t need to play Christmas music in November. This has gotten about as out-of-control as I ever could have imagined. I love Christmas, and I enjoy hearing Christmas music as much as the next guy, for about 2 weeks MAXIMUM! As a retail professional, I understand the psychological reasoning behind playing it as early as possible. It gets that clock ticking in people’s heads. As soon as Gene Autry’s voice starts singing ‘Here Comes Santa Claus, Here Comes Santa Claus’, all the little Santa Claus’s out there start shifting into the holiday panic mode, and if you’re a retailer, why wouldn’t you want to stretch that out for as long as possible?? It makes perfect business sense. Here’s the problem….. It’s fuckin’ tasteless!!! There is absolutely NO NEED to play Christmas music before December 1st. Even that’s early for my liking, but it’s a compromise.
- As a retailer, if you’re going to run a promo for a limited time, you had better have that promo item in stock! For your customers, and for the poor bugger on the sales floor that’s going to spend his day getting yelled at. This should never happen, but I’ve seen it happen a number of times. The last time it happened to me, I was working at a major national department store in the seasonal department (aka the Christmas Tree department). They put out an ad in print and on their website which was email blasted to their database. It was a great promotion on a particular make and model of a Christmas Tree, but it was a one-day sale. I can’t remember what the discount was, but it was substantial. When I got into work that morning, it was the first I’d heard of it. I checked to see how many of those trees we had in stock. We had none. ZIP. ZILCH. ZERO. We had already sold out of them. Now, if you run an ad like that, you’re probably smart enough to put something on the bottom that says ‘while supplies last’, and that typically gets you out of most customer service situations….. but when it’s 10:05 in the morning, and you opened at 10:00, and you have 3 or 4 customers there already asking for this tree, you’re gonna have a tough time convincing them that you sold out this morning already. Maybe at 1 pm I can make this claim, but not at 10:05. So I spent my whole day explaining to customers that we were sold out for several days leading up to this event. You get the whole ‘why wouldn’t you save some for the event?’ (Because customers of course assume that the same poor slug who’s selling them the tree is also responsible for advertising and inventory levels of a national retail chain….. I mean, wouldn’t they be???) Anyways, I spent the whole day hearing stories of how far they drove, and how much it meant to them, and their opinions on our customer service and blah blah wah wah wah. Lovely.
- Every time I turn my head, the mall hours keep getting longer and longer. A few of us were chatting the other day about when they first introduced ‘Sunday Shopping’. Malls around here used to be closed on Sundays. Man, what a world! I think I like the option of shopping on a Sunday, but they just keep creeping the hours, earlier, later, longer. Why would a mall need to be open on a Saturday night? In December I get it, but all-year-round? Maybe if there’s a movie theater in the mall, and a bunch of hip restaurants, but I would say most malls should be closed at 6 pm on a Saturday. Let mall employees have a life for crying out loud. I don’t think it brings anybody new to the mall. I don’t think there is a sub-culture of Saturday night shoppers who wouldn’t do it any other time of the day/week that we’re finally capitalizing on. People will work within the parameters you give them. We always did before.
Well, I’ll save some for next year. All the best in your holiday shopping endeavors. Be safe out there.
This is the Wednesdayist Monday blog you’ll ever read from me! That’s if I get it in in the next 26 minutes, for then my friends, it will be Thursday. I was struggling to think about what to write, and then the ideas I had seemed vaguely familiar. Like ‘I already wrote that blog’ kind of familiar. So I will bring my self down to the lowest common denominator of randomness which I like to call ‘Bullet Points’.
- When looking through previous blogs, it disturbs me that the Rob Ford thing has been going on this long. Everybody within 50 miles of that sucks! They’ve now stripped him of most of his powers, and he’s now mayor in name only, as well as going out into the world and doing some ‘mayor’ appearances. WAIT A MINUTE…….. Isn’t that the part of the job that he sucks at? The part of being mayor and going out in public? If anything, they should have stripped him of his ability to be mayor and go to these events!! He can embarrass the city just as easily with these limited powers. He still has the power to leave a shit smear across Toronto, and there isn’t money in the new budget to buy enough toilet paper to clean that up!
- Somebody showed me an app today. Just to be clear, I don’t have apps. I don’t know why. I just don’t feel like getting them. I’m sure they’re free and easy. I’m free and easy most of the time, but I’m just not interested. The app that a co-worker was showing me today told you exactly what time a bus was going to arrive. Not by it’s scheduled time, but by the GPS it has installed. So fucking exact!! Then she had an app that would call a cab for you. These things are handy! It provided a moment for me where I thought ‘man…. humans are so close to being redundant, it’s not even funny… and we’ll be the last to know’. Which led me to almost write a blog about robots taking over the world. Then I realized that I already wrote that blog a few months ago. I should take the opportunity to post a link to it here. I don’t know how. I’m sure it’s free and easy.
- I’m gonna make pulled pork tomorrow while I stay home with my 1 year old son who’s sick for the 3rd out of the last 4 Thursdays. He always knows when I have a day off, and he gets sick every time. I’m kind of flattered to be honest. The vomitting, the fevers, the sniffles, the over all sickness….. all of that so he can stay home and chill with his old man on a Thursday. He must know that tomorrow is American Thanksgiving which is cool for Americans because they get the weekend off, but cool for me because I can watch football all day tomorrow instead of whatever nonsense daytime TV programming has to offer. I hope he feels better. He’s too cute to suffer. Can babies eat pulled pork?? How do you make pulled pork? Never mind, I’ll probably just make spaghetti
- I’m eating fish oil pills these days. I don’t know if it’s helping, but it is providing me with and opportunity to almost choke to death at least once a day. After I fight those babies down, I get a feeling of achievement that I can only imagine is like trying to swim across a lake. When you get to the other side, a lot of water has probably gone down the wrong way, and you probably feel a bit like crying, but YOU DID IT!
My son is 1 year old. How do you say that? That doesn’t sound right. My son is 1 years old. 1 is not plural, and I don’t think that’s right either. Now I finally understand why people use months until the kid is 2. My son is 13 months old. He’s starting to talk quite a bit. Not any language that you or I would understand. He’s developed his own dialect. I’m quite impressed with his commitment to it. As long as he seems convinced that he’s saying something meaningful, then I don’t really care if I can understand it or not. I guess there’s a shelf life for that sentiment, but at 13 months, I’m not sweating it. It’s pretty charming actually, and it got me thinking the other day that it might even be better than when he starts to talk for real. What could he possibly have to say? Then again, who knows? Maybe the thoughts going through is head are completely fascinating. Time will tell.
I did make a list of things that I’m pretty sure he’s tried to say to me already. I don’t know how long I’ll have to wait to give him this list, so he can give it a once over and let me know how accurate it is. It’s just that there have been a bunch of different occasions where I’m pretty sure I know what he was trying to say, even though he couldn’t find the right (English) words.
In no particular order, here’s my list of what I think he wanted to say………..
“Dad, I don’t want to wear a diaper today… be flexible man… I won’t poo man, don’t worry about it. I’ll give you warning if I’m gonna poo. C’mon man, be cool. Dammit!”
“This book has too many words, and not enough pictures….. I’d like you to read me this other book that has the pull-tab that makes the baby walk across the page…… I want to rip that baby’s head off.”
“I really want you to turn that ceiling fan on. Good. No, not that speed, the faster one. No, faster than that. No, slower. Now faster. Can you get that light to go on too? Perfect, now speed up the fan. Actually, slow the fan down and kill the light. Can you get it to go in between those speeds? I’m hungry.”
“Seriously, why have you put me in this high chair? Where’s the food? Why would you put me here if the food wasn’t ready? Seriously, how long for the food? Are you even working on it? What are you doing in there? Where’s my food? I’m really hungry. The thing is, I wasn’t even that hungry, but now that you’ve put me in the chair, I feel like I should be eating, but where’s the food? You’re sending me mixed messages, usually when I sit here there’s food. Where’s the food? Dad, honestly…. are you new? Mom does this faster. Oh my god! Is this a new thing where I sit here and don’t get food? Don’t pass me a toy, we’re way past that, where’s the food? Oh thank god, nom nom nom nom nom….”
“Good morning dad!! I can’t believe I just slept for 12 hours, it was awesome. I barely remember any of the high-pitched shrieking I did right before I went to bed. I totally slept that off, great sleep. Wait, where are you? Oh there you are…. you were hiding, but then you popped out!! Bwahahahaha… Hilarious, do it again! Hahahahahahahaha!! Oh that’s funny, wait…. I don’t see you….There you are! Hahahahahahahahaaaaaaa…. You kill me man!”
“I really like this news channel dad. I love it when the stock ticker goes across the bottom. When’s this Rob Ford thing gonna go away? I’ve spent my entire life watching this stupidity unfold. This guy doesn’t know how to act. I could totally get away with acting like that, but I don’t! I’m 13 months old, and I know better. Dad, did you vote for this bozo? Seriously, did you? It’s okay to say you did. Did mom? Well somebody must have voted for him. Seriously, did you? I won’t laugh. OK, I believe you. I’m hungry.”
I found myself on a bus this evening. (Don’t most of my blogs start this way??). It was leaving a shopping mall and it was packed full of retail employees and shoppers alike. I had been waiting a while and was rewarded with a seat, which was a relief for my aching feet. I didn’t have my iPod, so was forced to listen to the ramblings of teenagers while reading Twitter feeds which is often exactly like listening to the ramblings of teenagers. A group of four of them were standing near the exit. Two guys and two girls. I love to watch people and speculate what their situations are. I don’t think these were couples. I think they were just either co-workers or classmates or something along those lines. This girl was speaking with a confidence you can only have as a teenager, because it’s yet to occur to you that you know virtually nothing compared to what you will eventually know. She was talking about something harmless like funny TV commercials, and doing a poor job at explaining why they were funny, but laughing hysterically anyways. One of the guys in the group was trying hard to give positive feedback to what she was saying, probably because he was interested in her, and wanted to keep a flirty dynamic going. They were just excited to be there. I don’t even know why, but I assume it’s because they were probably about 18 years old, and why wouldn’t every moment of your life be that exciting. Most 18 year olds have yet to be beaten down by responsibility, and they’ve got lots of good times ahead. I remember what it was like to ride a bus with some girls that I might have a crush on, and maybe have nothing much to do afterwards except for watch a movie, or play video games, or just getting into random mischief. That was fun.
I switched back to my phone and scrolled down on my Twitter feed to find out the following. My favourite music album of all time was released 20 years ago today. For those wondering, or not familiar enough to grab it from the blog title, it was Midnight Marauders by A Tribe Called Quest. I’ll only spend a second telling you why it’s the greatest, because this isn’t a music blog, although I think one day I will start one. All I do is talk about music, so why not just start a new blog, other than I don’t have time? A Tribe Called Quest was and is the greatest thing that ever happened to Hip Hop music. Midnight Marauders was the moment when Hip Hop achieved its true potential, and was never before and never again as pure, exciting, creative, accessible, and lets just say perfect. There will be varying opinions from Hip Hop purists, but not too many would go out of their way to refute this claim. I don’t mean to disrespect any of the great music that came out before this moment, or anything that evolved out of this moment, but on November 9, 1993 Hip Hop hit its peak in my not-so-humble opinion.
It was a Tuesday. I was an 18-year-old high school student. Probably not unlike the ones I saw on the bus. Excited just for the sake of being excited. A lot was going on in my life. I had a girlfriend, who came over to my house after school to see it for the first time. Not that she’d never come over before, but my parents had recently purchased a new house. This house was big. I’d lived in a semi-detached house my whole life leading up to this, but my parents leveraged a really poor real estate market, and got a house (that they probably couldn’t afford) in the same neighborhood, but just bigger. It had 4 bedrooms upstairs, and a swimming pool. I curse the thought of how much time and energy I’ve spent maintaining that pool vs. how much I’ve actually swam in it, but nevertheless, some of my greatest nights involved having friends over while my parents were out-of-town. A great party house! The best part of the whole thing was that there was a bedroom in the basement, which I quickly laid claim to. The basement was straight out of 1972 with its stucco, awful carpet, faux beer keg in the wall, and a small hidden bar compartment also in the wall. It was designed to be a 1972 party pad. This was 1993 however, and the rest of my family thought this basement was an eye-sore, and steered clear of it. Suited me fine. It had just the right amount of privacy an 18-year-old kid would want.
So I was showing my girlfriend around this house, and I was specifically remember that she was only there for a few minutes on her way home from school because I had a 5-close shift at my part-time job that night, which I would have to leave for shortly. I was feverishly calling around to see if anyone would take my shift because A Tribe Called Quest’s new album was coming out today, and I needed to get it…..TODAY! The amount of time that had elapsed between Tribe’s 1991 offering, (and my favourite album at the time ‘Low End Theory’), and the one that came out that day seemed like centuries. These were the days of long summers, and even longer school years! If I’m obsessive about music now as a (usually) mature adult, you can only imagine how unreasonable my longing was for this album to come out. How was I going to get it if I had to go to work? I worked through the book of co-workers phone numbers, and it became evident that I wasn’t going to get this shift covered. I called my oldest friend in the world, also a Tribe fan, and also a co-worker at this particular job to tell him of my plight. He seemed unaware that today was the magical day that ‘Midnight Marauders’ was released, and was on store shelves as we spoke. (Do people really not know about release dates?? Am I the only idiot that would know about this in advance?) In a move that I hadn’t considered, he said he wouldn’t take my shift, but that he was going to drive over to the mall and buy the album while I was at work. This sounded great, but I couldn’t believe that I would have to spend 4 hours at a job while he was in possession of something I’d waited centuries for. This was to be the longest 4 hours ever. I tried to convince him not to listen to it until I got there. He assured me that he would listen to it at least 3 times before I got there, but offered to ‘tape it for me’.
Let me explain what I mean by ‘tape it for me’. Let me start by saying I never really thought I would ever have to explain that. I believe the days have arrived where this term requires explanation. While CDs are not yet obsolete, in the fall of 1993 I was a couple of months short of acquiring my first CD player. I was relatively happy listening to my music on tapes, and sometimes vinyl. While vinyl is making a comeback, I don’t think tapes ever will. The good thing about tapes is that you could record stuff on them, and they were cheaper. So my friend was offering to buy the CD for himself, and tape it for me so I could own it for free, and have it instantly….. that is after my 4 hour shift was over. I agreed, and headed over to his house on my way home from work. I found him asleep on his couch. I asked him for the tape. He had forgotten to make the tape, and once we established that I wasn’t leaving without a tape, he said he would happily listen to the album again while I made the tape. Then he gave me what I can only describe as a ‘Bill Cosby Jell-O Pudding Smile’ and said ‘it’s really good’. I knew it would be somehow. So I started to listen. Every track was incredible. It was simply the best thing I had ever heard. Who knew that would be the last time I ever thought that. 20 years later, and it’s still the best thing I ever heard.
I wish this were reality TV. The thing I like about reality TV is that I don’t have to watch it. I can change the channel, or just not watch TV. If I want to watch the News, or listen to the News, or read about the News, I cannot escape the reality TV that is the Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s life. When someone says to me that the Kardashian TV shows are stupid, I’m always quick to say that I wouldn’t know, because I don’t have time for that bullshit, and neither should they. I want to say the same thing about the Rob Ford saga. I really don’t have time for this bullshit. The only problem is that THIS is the News. I DO have a choice to not watch the news, but it’s a choice to be misinformed, unlike the choice to not watch the Kardashians….. a choice which made properly, I believe salvages some of my intelligence. Rob Ford is in my living room every day. He’s in my living room drunk, belligerent, defensive, dishonest, stammering, mumbling, and that’s just when he’s not allegedly on crack. There isn’t a day that goes by when this isn’t a huge story. I’m really tired of it.
I’m well past the point of caring if this man smoked crack or not. He either did or he didn’t. If he wasn’t representing our city, I wouldn’t even have a problem with it. It’s his life. It’s not about politics either. He could be doing a good job at City Hall for all I know. He says he’s doing a good job, and that must be enough for most of his supporters. A strong group of which don’t seem to care that he’s a walking embarrassment for the city. They were obviously the ones that voted him in. A surprising number of them are still really strong supporters of him too. They feel he’s being picked on. If anything, I think it’s making them relate to him more. I think it’s because there’s the whole Right Wing vs. Left Wing at play here. Of course individuals HAVE to be one or the other (God forbid we actually just voted for whoever we thought was the right person). Everybody LOVES to be on a team. This team is called Ford Nation! Yes, they actually have a team name. He repeatedly claims to be saving money for tax payers, but I don’t think you can save me enough money to compensate for the humiliation I feel when a hack like Jay Leno can make jokes at our expense.
The problem for me is that if there’s one person that truly represents a city, it’s the Mayor. Ours can’t stay out of trouble for more than 30 seconds. He’s only been in office for 3 years and at least 2 years and 11 months have been a shit show. So much so that the rest of the world has taken notice. For the EXTREMELY IGNORANT people who say ‘any press is good press’, let me remind you that he’s not an actor or a singer. He’s the Mayor. Bad press is bad press. It makes us look bad. We don’t need bad attention. The incidents that have occurred both major and minor are increasing in number. Where does he find the time to get into all this shit? It takes a lot of time to get into this much trouble! How does he do it?
I want a Mayor that can look people in the eye. I want a Mayor that can talk like an educated person. I want a Mayor that doesn’t get super hammered in public (just for the small percentage of his life that he happens to be Mayor, but if he wants to get smashed every other St. Patty’s day for the rest of his life, then fuck it, why not?). I want a Mayor that doesn’t smoke crack. I want a Mayor that handles adversity with grace, rather than getting into grade five-esque shouting matches with reporters. I want a Mayor who after causing a city such a heaping amount of embarrassment would have the good sense to step down. Most of all, I just want to be able to watch the news in the morning without having to see this moron, and his ridiculous shenanigans taking up precious valuable space in what’s left of my brain.
Family and friends have read this before. I had a problem with my internet yesterday, so there will be no new blog this week. This is one that the WordPress community haven’t seen yet though, and it’s the story of how I proposed to my wife. One of the better stories of my life…..Enjoy!
She is impossible to surprise! With her inquisitive scientific mind and her ability to take follow up questioning to a level that would make most lawyers blush, it is impossible to surprise her.
Part 1 – The Ring
So it’s been 8+ years. It’s never been a matter of ‘if’, it was always just a matter of ‘when’. When ‘when’ became ‘now’ I endeavored to get a ring that I thought was kickass enough that I’d enjoy looking at it for the rest of my life. This process involved home delivery which was a risky proposition. I am home these days starting up a small business while she is working for ‘the man’ during business hours. I figured this would work out OK. As soon as my purchase went through however, Visa flagged the purchase as suspicious (sadly my spending habits don’t often include jewelry), and phoned both my cell phone (which I picked up and OK’d the purchase), and my home phone (where they left a voice message for her to come home to.) FOILED! ALREADY!
Part 2 – The Taxidermy Head
So I was confronted with rapidfire questioning as soon as I got home regarding this credit card purchase. In her defence, she’s way more concerned with the integrity of my credit card not being compromised, than she is with finding out what I bought. Once she knew the credit card was safe, she (like any 8 year girlfriend) figured out what I had bought and asked me. I told her ‘Don’t worry about it’, which never works, and was buying myself some time to bullshit. You need to understand that I’m a bad liar. Lying is like anything. The more you practice, the better you become. I don’t practice it, so when the time comes I’m usually terrible. I don’t know if there is a difference between bullshit and lying. I feel I can bullshit with the best of em, but I’m no liar. “Babe, I got you a Taxidermy Head!” This is the process of stuffing a dead animal to make it look life-like according to the dictionary. She seemed disappointed and disbelieving, but all good bullshit lies in the details. “Babe, you’ll love it, it’s in perpetual ‘wink-mode’ and when you press the eyeball, a gum ball shoots out of his mouth!!!”
Part 3 – Ring Arrival
The one day she was home (long weekend trip with the girls starting that day), and the one day I was working outside of the home (furnace installation) was the day the Ring decided to arrive. I knew this so I asked the concierge to not call our suite when the deliver arrived. He signed for it and I picked it up when I got home. Sweet! But he filled out a slip that indicated there was a delivery, and dropped it into our mailbox. I forgot to pick up the mail on Friday. Guess who checked the mailbox when she got home on Sunday?? FOILED!!! AGAIN!!!! DAMMMIT!!!! “Uhhhh, the taxidermy head had a glitch. I had to send it back”
Part 4 – The Ductwork
You have to pretend this part is in black and white like a flashback in a Tarantino movie. For years, any time the topic of engagement came up, I would say that I already bought the ring, and whenever she was ready to get married, just say the word. ‘Where did you hide it?’ ‘It’s in the ductwork!’ I’ve maintained this for YEARS! Even her mother joked around about seeing flashes of light coming out of the vent from time to time.
Part 5 – The Proposal
I’ve been foiled!! She knows I have a ring! She knows she’s not getting a taxidermy head! I’ve never admitted any of this, but she’s no fool. She’s actually quite a bit smarter than I am which makes this whole mission a bit of an underdog task. If I take her out to a nice restaurant, she’ll know. If we go somewhere even remotely romantic, she’ll know. Sunday’s a good day. We’re not even hanging out together that day!! So while she’s out, I log on to the computer and buy us a short trip to Vegas. She may be expecting a ring, but she’s not expecting this. If Royal Bank Visa wants to try to block this, I’m here beside the home and cell phone. They can’t hurt me now!! So now I wait……….. I didn’t know what time she was coming home. She ended up at the movies. I tried not to call her too much, because it would be too suspicious. I never bug her when she’s out with friends.
I took the vent cover off in the kitchen and put the ring and the itenerary into the ductwork. I closed it back up. I couldn’t get one of the screws back in properly. I thought ‘who cares, I’ll be taking it off again in an hour.’
She comes home…. I play it cool….. ‘How was the movie?’ I say. ‘ The ending was really ….. blah… blah…..’ (C’mon man… Do you really expect me to remember what she said about this movie????) She starts looking up stuff online….. The A/C kicks on and the itenerary flaps up against the vent making a huge noise. “Did you hear that???” I say (Cool as a cucumber) “Yeah, it sounds like something fell” she said……….. I go and investigate…. I’m in the kitchen with a chair and a flashlight. She’s still in the office. “Hey, can you grab me a screwdriver??”…… I totally know she’s gonna get all bent out of shape about the builder, and problems with the condo and stuff. Perfect diversion……. She comes in and sees the screw that was sticking out of the vent from before. She freaks out about us not noticing that at our 2 year walk through. I say a little under my breath “Fuckin Tridel!!!” (I’m soooo cool at this point)……. I get the vent off. “What’s this??” I say passing her a piece of paper, pretending I’m disgusted……. She starts reading it…….. “Oh My God, it has your name on it” she says bewildered…..It had small typing and it was a full page, so it took her a while to figure out what it was….I know she’s trying to scientifically put together how it got there….. In the meantime, I grab the ring, get off the chair, I’m on one knee, I’ve got the ring box open. She’s still reading this friggin paper. I said “HEY!” She looks down, sees the ring, understands what’s happening. I asked her to marry me. She said yes. Embrace for maybe 2 seconds…… ‘So what is this??????’ Still worried about unfinished business with this ductwork paper even though she has a shiny engagement ring to look at…. ‘It’s a Vegas Trip!’ I say….
‘Ohhhhhhh’…. Now she can enjoy…… My favourite moment, she says quietly while admiring the ring on her finger “It WAS in the ductwork!!!!”